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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  December 19, 2018 1:33am-2:05am PST

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i need a gift for my wife, she's obsessed with apple. well, we really know apple. we can find her the perfect iphone, the perfect ipad, apple watch. making me the perfect husband. he's good, but not that good. can't promise that, but we'll try.
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iyou know 1 juul pod contains as bmuch nicotine as 20 cigarettes. [20 cigarettes] huh... vaping is like safer than. [horn sound] vaping is safer. [horn sound] safer. [horn sound] safer than. [horn sound] safer than. [longer horn sound] [horn sound]
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[symphony playing] [cameras clicking] ♪ - excitement is in the air as the citizens of south park amass to see if the word "fag" will officially be changed in the english dictionary. four local boys will state their case to the head dictionary editor, and if they succeed, "fag" will officially refer to harley riders nationwide. - you can do it, boys! we believe in you! - and, tom, it looks as though the dictionary officials have arrived! [cameras clicking] - entering the scene now are the keepers of the current dictionary and, of course, the dictionary's head editor, mr. emmanuel lewis. - emmanuel lewis, huh? - oh, it all makes sense now. [cheers and applause]
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- to change... the definition of a word is no trifling thing! i expect this proposal for changing the definition of the word "fag" to be both discerning and undisputable. - come on boys, you can do it! [motorcycles approaching] [all imitating motorcycles] - look out! it's a bunch of pissed off faggots! [guns firing, crowd screaming] - aah! ohh! [tire squealing] - there's fags everywhere! - we gotta run! [chain clinking] - ahh! [crowd shouting] what nefariousness is this? ahgh! you obdurate beasts!
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- aah! [motorcycles revving] - well, well. now do you think we're fags? - yes! yes, sir, you are total fags! - yeah! you definitely made your point. - no! we rolled in, kicked ass, and took [bleep] over. is that what a fag does?! - yeah, yeah, that's totally what a fag does! - no, you're supposed to think we're not fags now! - but then why are you acting like such fags? i don't understand! - i don't either! - that's because you guys never understood! you fellers never got what these people are really about! freedom! rebellion against the system! a living image of independence! solid, defiant, and supremely cool, the biker is an all-american icon of resilient individuality
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and freedom! - who is this little fag? - i'm not a fag yet, sir, but i am bike-curious. - that's it! let's kill 'em all! - no, that'll just make you bigger fags! - no one is killing anyone! [shotguns cocking] we've had enough. you faggots get the hell out of our town. - all right, everyone. all right! we are fags! yeah, we're fags. we're total fags. and you know what? we like it! - yeah, we like bein' fags. - so go ahead, america. whenever you pass by harley riders like us, roll down your window and yell, "faggots!" all you kids out there, when you see us, walk up to us and say, "hello, fags!" no, really. we want you to. at least we're cool enough to embrace who we are.
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right, guys? - that's right! - yeah, yeah! - you got it, yeah! - come on, fags, let's roll out! [imitating motorcycles] - and that, mr. editor, is why they are the true definition of fags. - let there be no perplexity, those individuals are the legitimate faggots! the definition shall be replaced! [cheers and applause] - we did it! - yeah, we did it, you guys! - oh, it's over! it's finally over! - today we've made history.
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you for tuning in. thank you for coming out. i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight is a rap icon who put out one of my favorite albums this year. pusha t is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) joining us on the show. and i'm not going to lie-- after his beef with drake i'm a little nervous to interview him because we've all seen what he can do to light-skinned brothers. but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. there's a ton of stuff in the news today. cbs announced it was firing les
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moonves without paying him his $120 million in severance. japan said it was getting back into the military game, building its first arcraft carrier since world war ii. basically, japan is like louis c.k.: we did something bad, but i think enough time has passed. we have to get back into the game right now. and if you love weapons and the news of the trump administration banning bump stocks has you sad, new york state is about to turn that frown upside down. >> a federal judge rules new york's statewide ban on nunchucks is unconstitutional under the second amendment. the ban on the martial arts weapon was adopted in 1974. there were fears the popularity of kung fu films would lead to criminals, especially young gang members, using nunchucks. >> trevor: yes! do you hear that, people. nunchucks are back, baby! ( cheers and applause ) they're back! back! what? i feel like i'm 14 years old again. i'm going to buy some nunchucks and then go home and masturbate furiously. ( laughter )
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and all of this is happening thanks to the lawsuit of one very committed new yorker. cowabunga, dude. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) i will say-- i will say new york clearly has its priorities off. like, it's taking forever to legalize weed, but nunchucks are now fair game? ( laughter ) like, of all the cities in america, new york is the worst place to legalize nunchucks. everyone is already highly strung, and now you're throwing in ninja tools? like, subway fights are about to get real. the only good thing about new york is that it's maybe too crowded to actually pull your arm out. people are going to be on the train like, "man, if i had-- if i had two feet. oh, man. like you? and you, (bleep) lady. i would be all-- i swear to god, once this train clears out after canal street, i'm going to kick all your ass. for now, i'm just going to make the bruce lee sound." ( laughter ) i will say, though, the one benefit of nunchucks is that
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it's the only weapon that hurts the user more than the victim. i like that. yeah, it will just be like someone mugging you. "give me all your-- ahh. give me-- ahhh." yeah, if i'm in a nunchuck mugging, there's a 50% chance i will walk away with his watch. i like that. moving on to some other news. by now, we all know about the gender wage gap between men and women. it's really the worst gap after the baby gap-- nothing in my size. ( laughter ) and today, today, the world economic forum released a study saying that the gender wage gap is going away! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! in-- in 202 years. sorry, i should have led with that part. yeah. which, let's be honest, is bad news for everyone who is alive today because it means at this rate, we won't live to see the gap close. except for jennifer lopez, who is the only person aging slowly enough, yeah, because in 200 years, she'll be like, what, 57?
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i think? no, wait, 58, 58. moving on to some technology news, it turns out people hate it. >> people are slashing tires, throwing rocks, pointing guns at self-driving cars. people in arizona have recorded 21 incidents of this in the past two years. now, "the arizona republic" reports in other cases, people stood in front of the vehicles to prevent them from driving, yelled at them, chased them, and forced them off the road. the article says people appear to be frustrated by their presence. ( laughter ) >> trevor: people-- people are chasing and yelling at cars? ( laughter ) i'm pretty sure this has less to do with self-driving cars and more to do with arizona's meth problem. ( laughter ) because someone shouting at a car just sounds like a crazy guy who's seen "transformers" way too many times. he's like: "hey, you bumblebee? you bumblebee? i know you're bumblebee. bumblebee, i know you're there!
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i kind of understand it, though. it has got mess with you when you have road rage and there's no one to direct it at. you're driving in your car, "you cut me off you invisible-- you (bleep). you piece of shit. i'll just throw a rock at you." and finally, in headlines, the world's worst charity has closed its doors. ( applause ) >> president trump will be closing down his charity. the donald j. trump foundation was sued by new york's attorney general over claims the trump children abused its tax-exempt status and violated campaign finance laws. >> we have a tweet from the new york a.g., the attorney general's office. the foundation functioned as little more than a checkbook to serve mr. trump's interests. our lawsuit remains ongoing. >> trevor: that's right, donald trump's charity, which frequently spent money on donald trump, has been forced to shut down. which makes sense. i mean, if the beneficiary of the charity has become president, i think the charity has done its job. it's time to shut it down. yeah.
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it's the same way all the people who used to send me $1 when i was back in africa stopped paying me when i became host of "the daily show." it's done. yeah. it worked out. and if you're saying, "hey, trevor, weren't you already successful before you got this job?" what the (bleep) are you, robert mueller? shut up. ( laughter ) now, i'm going to be honest with you guys, i'm even shocked that trump had a charity. i always thought the only trump charity was the women who agreed to have sex with him. but-- ( cheers and applause ) but... but this is real. this is real. and it turns out the trump foundation did a lot of shady shit that caught the eye of investigators, like when trump used $12,000 from his charity to buy himself a helmet signed by tim tebow. ( laughter ) which is something even tim tebow wouldn't want. and he even spent 10,000 charity dollars to buy a portrait of himself to hang up in his own golf club. yeah. i mean, at this point, the least
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the man can do is donate that painting to a child. yeah. free nightmares for the rest of your life. ( laughter ) all right, let's move on to our main story. 2018 is almost over. but it feels like the whole country is still nursing a hangover from the 2016 presidential election. trump is still obsessed with hillary. mueller is still investigating trump, and democrats are about to launch a slew of new investigations into his campaign. it feels like a billion years from now, just before the sun dies, out the last thing you'll hear before the universe goes silent is, "no collusion!" and then there will be one more "avengers" movie and then it's over. ( laughter ) but now, over two years later, we're still learning about how deep the russian rabbit hole goes. russia's interference in the election is a serious thing, especially because they targeted one group in particular. >> this is really important what i'm about to tell you right now. because there's new information-- two new reports
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commissioned by the senate intelligence committee looked at data provided by facebook, by twitter, and google, and they found that they were trying to suppress african american votes. >> the russians set up 30 facebook pages targeting african americans, specifically. 10 youtube channels, 571 videos related to police violence against african americans. some of these posts distorted the record of hillary clinton and former president barack obama. >> facebook ads were targeted at users who had shown interest in particular topics, including black history, the black panther party, and malcolm x. the russian accounts used voter suppression tactics, encouraging black voters to stay home or vote for jill stein. >> trevor: oh, man. that is so insulting for jill stein. ( laughter ) even in russia, they're like, "stay home or vote for jill stein. is same. same thing. same thing." ( laughter ) it's almost like the phrase,
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"vote for jill stein," is just a new way of saying, "waste of time." you know, like, one kid is going to be like, "dad, i want to be a d.j." "no son of mine is going to vote for jill stein his life away. it turns out the russians spent a lot of effort specifically trying to convince black americans not to vote. like, look at this meme that they put up. this is a real meme they found came from yjr russians. it says, "before you vote, listen to m.j. all i really want to say is that they don't really care about us." and i feel bad for michael. the man died 10 years ago, and now vladimir putin is using him for a propaganda tool. if you told him russia was using a people of him, you know what he would say. "what's a meme? oh, kids like them? show me how to make one." ( laughter ) too soon? ( laughter ) and what's crazy is that
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sometimes the russians went way beyond just putting out memes. they actually convinced people to do stuff in the real world. >> one such operation convinced and paid martial arts instructor omowale adewale to run self-defense classes for african americans to "protect your rights. let them know black power matters." they convinced you. >> very easily. very easily. some of the things were sketchy, but at the end of the day, it is still fitness. >> trevor:'re. >> trevor: what i love about this guy "at the end of the day it's still fitness." i mean, he's right, though. if russia is going to manipulate you into exercising, how pad can it really be? i wish russia would go further and do all sorts of things to improve their lives. "i can't believe russia tricked me into calling my mom more, guys. >>ed is slow, everybody.
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dulce, i have to ask you, what do you make of this news? >> trevor, i feel disgusted. i feel manipulated. and i feel special. ( laughter ) russia could have gone after anyone-- latinos, asians, millennials. but they said we're going after the ones who count, black people! you can believe that? i mean, some white people actually do think black lives matter. >> trevor: i hear what you're saying, but they were only paying attention so that they could manipulate the black vote. >> yeah, but at least they're paying attention to us. the only time our president notices us is when he's fighting with lebron james on twitter. i mean, trump probably thinks martin luther king's last name is boulevard. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but while trump's ignoring black people, putin's been looking at
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us from across the bar this whole time. ( laughter ) "i see you, vlad." ( laughter ) ( applause ) "on horse back with them tiny nipples." ( laughter ) "how did you get that horse in the club?" >> trevor: okay, okay, i get it, but doesn't it bother you that russia only did this to suppress the black vote? >> trevor, you know who else suppresses america's black vote? america. have you been to georgia? they made it impossible for black people to vote. at least putin gave us a choice. plus he has that black accent. he'll be like, "beautiful brown woman. i promise not to kill you. maybe." ( laughter ) i like danger. >> trevor: what you're saying is even though russia interfered in the election and maybe helped trump get elected, you're find with it? >> oh, notice, i'm not saying i'm fine with it. i'm just saying i appreciate the effort. they got to know black americans, our likes, our dislikes, our culture.
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do you know how hard it must be for russian russians to understd amigos? you have to learn english and then forget it? i mean, that's the kind of work i want my government to put in. >> trevor: dulce sloan, everybody. we'll be right back! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) opportunity is everywhere. like here. where nothing stands between you and your best friends. ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, going home for the holidays is often a recipe for disaster. but what if i told you your next awkward family gathering could actually make the world a better place. well, desi lydic has more. >> our country is experiening the most divisive time in recent history, but the holidays are upon us. i want to find out what families are doing to stay connected this season. >> we just ignore family around the holidays. we stay away from relatives that
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are racist. >> take antidepressants. >> get medicated. >> get medicated. >> what do you do when your racist cousin says something racist? >> not allowed in my house. not allowed in my house. >> not allowed in my house. >> no way. my house, my rules. >> my grandfather was racist and watching football people a particular color running down the field he would cheer for them, using a not-nice word. >> he's dead now? >> yes. >> that's good. that's good. that's probably for the best. >> it happens. >> i was starting to see a pattern, particularly among white families. but crazy shit like this doesn't have to be a holiday tradition. luckily, there's a solution, and that's where i come in, by letting this guy come in. meet dr. david campt. as a racial dialogue expert, he travels the country running a. workshop called the white ally rule kit. where woke white liberals learn to communicate with the not so woke. david's basically, the white people whisperer.
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>> how many of you folks have racist friends, relatives that you think you might see over the holidays? everybody. so the method that you want to think about is race. and race stands for "reflect, ask, connect, expand." let's suppose that person is your cousin biff. >> how does he know my cousin biff. >> and biff wants to talk about how affirmative action is keeping him out of a job and making black information lazy. what do you do? >> not my house! >> what does that mean? >> it means it's not allowed in your house. my house, my rules. not my house! >> or, you can try to influence people and stay connected to them. >> you ask him what happened in his life that caused him to believe that. is that-- is that-- is that-- >> no! >> actually, that's correct. that's exactly what you should do. all right, let's turn to the next part of the scenario. so what's important to do is to find something you can agree with and what biff said, and connect with him. >> no, i can't connect with biff. i can't. he's racist.
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>> as an official black person, i'm telling you, you can connect with him. you have-- >> but i have to be real honest with you. i may be white on the outside, but on the inside-- >> no, no, no. >> i did see "black panther" nine times though, and i very much identified with it. >> that's great. but you are a white person. >> uh-huh, yeah, yeah. >> and you have a similarity to biff that i do not. >> okay, i hear you. i get it now. i get it now. to see if this was effective, i needed to try it out in the real world. i decided to put david's method to the test, and there's no better place to find conflicting family views than new jersey. the cofrancisco family had a history of dinners go bad. they let any random stranger with cameras come into their home if it meant their holidays could be more pleasant. >> would you wear a sweater like
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desi. >> jesus is white. >> jesus isn't black or white. he's actually-- he's middle eastern. >> jewish is a religion. >> the nationality part was jewish. >> no. >> well, if jesus wasn't going to bring this familyin family tt christmastime, there was only one thing that could. >> so, who likes football. >> >> he hasn't watched football all year. >> why haven't you watched football all year? >> i don't like what's going on. >> the kneeling. >> with kaepernick. don't like it. >> you don't like it? >> not at all. >> i disagree. >> it was time to work my magic. you say you disagree. >> yes. >> this is the point in the conversation where you need to connect. >> you're really going to let someone being before the football game stop you from watching the entire game? >> yes, i am. >> the entire thing. >> yes. >> that doesn't make sense to watch them kneeling-- >> it doesn't matter. >> it doesn't matter-- ( all shouting )
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>> i'm trying teach you (bleep) how to have a civilized conversation! i think it's going great. i really feel this family is responsive to the techniques that i've shown them. i think david would feel very proud of the way that i'm handling this. >> i put the tv on, and i watch this kid kneel down, i shut it off. i don't want to watch him. >> it's like, let them kneel. who cares? they're making a statement. it's a peaceful protest. >> help me, desi! >> okay, very good, very good, very good. you actually just did all four steps in one statement. you were reflecting on what was happening here. you asked for help. you were connecting with me and you were expanding on an idea. >> what? >> all four. ( applause ) >> yay! >> happy holidays! >> happy holidays! >> what's so happy about them? it's a scary time for men right now. >> men? >> men. >> just men? ♪ ♪ >> well, there's always next year. something tells me i'll be back. ( cheers and applause )
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>> trevor: desi lydic, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪howdy, folks, it's dinner time♪
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