tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 20, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PST
announcer: the dastardly car is racing past both. this could be an upset, folks. [ tires screech ] timmy! good night, you son of a bitch. [ click! boom! ] mimsy, i told you to put the explosives under timmy's seat! darr, you told me to put the explosives under the seat of that fake, soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! notthatfake, soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! announcer: oh, my. it appears that an explosion has opened up a wormhole with matthew mcconaughey inside. [ echoing ] mimsy... announcer: and there's the finish. it looks like handicar has done it. timmy! [ all cheering ] a big congratulations to our fundraising champion. after selling the handicar rights to elon musk, timmy has raised $2.3 billion for summer camp. [ cheering ] great job to all of you. this is sure to be the best summer camp ever!
[ cheering ] [ insects chirping ] all set for bed, honey? yeah, i like to sleep at nighttime! all right. good night. [ smooches ] wait. wait. mom? can we talk? um, yes. o-of course. this is very difficult, mom. but, um... you know how every year, i go to summer camp? well...i hate it. i hate it, and i don't want to go anymore. i'm sorry. i can't understand you, honey. you're handicapped. what's to understand? i'm telling you i don't want to go to that stupid camp anymore! you want water? is that what you want? no! i don't want to go to camp! oh, yes. okay, honey. i'll turn off the lamp. no! that's not what i [bleep] said! goddamn it! now i can't even see! [ thump ] ow! what's he saying? that he doesn't want to go to summer camp this year, but i'll be damned if he's gonna ruin our italy trip. right?
nathan: oh! aah! mimsy! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! you guys are amazing! wow! wow! oh, wow! let's get into it, everyone! our guest tonight is an n.b.a. star and activist for democracy in his native country turkey, enes kanter is joining us,
everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on the show, your weave is protected, bernie is back and the jussie smollett story gets weirder than ever. but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. i.s.i.s. now that the dreadful terrorist organization has been almost completely defeated in syria i think we can all admit that's a pretty cool flag. i don't think i'd join just because of that, but i'm just saying now that they're gone, we can talk about this, right? hundreds of i.s.i.s. members have been rounded up as prisoners of war and now there's a new battle over who has to deal with them. >> president trump is calling on european nations to take in hundreds of i.s.i.s. fighters who have been captured? syria and put them on trial. he's warning more than 800 prisoners could make their way to europe as i.s.i.s. is ready to fall, and if they're not tried in europe, the president claims the alternative would be to release them. >> trevor: the alternative would be to release them? ( laughter ) you know what's weird about trump is that i think he's
really good at identifying problems, but his solutions are generally the worst. because he is right, the u.s. can't keep prisoners of war detained forever, but the solution can't be to just let them go. what do we do with them? all right, i.s.i.s., you fly free, now! ( laughter ) he does this all the time. he identifies the problem and the solution is crazy. illegal immigration is a problem. build a wall, horrible solution! the fossil fuel industry is declining with the jobs, yeah, but force people to use coal? horrible solution! my marriage is struggling. i know, i'll (~bleep ) a porn star. horrible solution! moving on, discrimination, it can take many forms. it can be blatant. a restaurant refusing to serve you because of the color of your skin. or sitting, a restaurant refusing to serve you because you forgot to put on pants. it was a busy day, i got distracted. i'm sorry, denny's! ( laughter ) new york city is taking aim at a
form of discrimination that is truly insidious. >> new york city is taking a stab against hairstyle discrimination. employers can't ban natural hair or hairstyles. they say the change is prompt bid negative stereotypes that hairstyles like afros, dreads or braids are unprofessional. >> trevor: finally! this is great news because white people may not know this or be aware of this, but there are a lot of employers who would refuse to hire or promote black workers because their natural hair is seen as unprofessional. and because this many black people are held back. like quest love. he actually wanted to be an accountant. but because of his afro, this poor man was forced to become a rock star. that's not his dream! thoapts balance checks! this is a grate law, no discrimination based on hair. but there should be flexibility. you shouldn't be allowed to
discriminate against a black person if they have dreadlocks. but if it's a white person with dreadlocks, discrimination should be mandatory! ( laughter ) that should be the law! , like, if a white dude has dreadlocks, you should be forced to, like, mock him and kick him out of his job! i'm joking. i'm joking. white dudes are dreadlocks don't have jobs. sorry. let's move on. ( laughter ) finally, a weird story, the lightsaber, the second most stroked wand by "star wars" fans, and you may mock them but soon you can mock them at the olympics. >> it's now easier for "star wars" fans tooct out their fantasies if they're in france. the france fencing federation originally and officially recognizing lightsaber dueling as a competitive sport. >> l.e.d. lit, polycarbonate "star wars" replicas have the same status as blades used biolink fencers. >> trevor: oh, hell, yeah! ( cheering )
this is so dope! are you kidding me? this is fun. lightsaber in the olympics, fighting competitively. to make it more professional, the winner of the tournament gets to see a boob for the first time. yeah! i know there are a lot of haters that say this isn't a real sport, it's madeup nonsense. all sports are madeup nonsense, all right? i don't know if you've seen the olympics but it's madeup nonsense. a guy pushes a ball off his shoulder and they give him a gold medal. that's not a sport. put a ball on a chain and swing it around. you can have a gold medal, too. it's as ridiculous as light sabers. somebody was probably playing with their cat. gold medal! it's all ridiculous! moving on, only 622 days until the presidential election, which doesn't seem too close, but next thing you will blink and it will only be 612 days away, the home
stretch. let's check in on the democratic party campaign with our ongoing segment world war d. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: every day, the field of democratic candidates gets bigger and bigger. and this morning, it didn't just get bigger, it got louder. >> bernie is back. bernie sanders, the 2016 runner up officially entering a crowded field of democratic candidates for the 2020 presidential nomination. >> hi, i'm bernie sanders, i'm running for president. our campaign is about taking on the powerful special interests that dominate our economic and political life. i'm talking about wall street, the health insurance companies, the drug companies, the fossil fuel industry, the military industrial complex, the private prison industry and the large multi-national corporations. >> trevor: oh, damn! ( laughter )
yo, bernie has entered the race. and did you hear his list of enemies? this guy doesn't mess around. he didn't come to play. big banks, little banks, tyra banks, i'm shutting you all down! you're all going down! ( laughter ) you can tell bernie is serious about winning because he didn't rub his hair with a balloon before filming this video. he's serious now. he's in it. no balloon this time! we're going smooth! ( laughter ) now, if bernie were to win the presidency, he would become the oldest american president ever. yes, and i mean that literally. he was born a few months before josh washington, but don't let bernie's age fool you. this guy is as feisty as ever. just look at how he responded to howard schultz threatening the democratic party. >> howard schultz has now said he would not run as an independent if the democrats nominated a moderate. >> oh, isn't that nice?
why are you quoting howard schultz? because he's billionaire. >> trevor: i miss bernie so much. are you kidding me? oh, isn't that nice! oh, oh, oh, oh, isn't that nice! because every other politician would respond to that answer in a politiciany way -- well, i believe howard schultz entering the race would be irresponsible at this time. bernie is like howard schultz can run for president of my ass! ( laughter ) so bernie's in the race, people, officially in the race and joins what is probably the largest democratic primary field in history. look at all those faces, huh? you could have a different democrat for every month of the year! ( laughter ) and can i be honest? i will be honest with you, one to have things i've really enjoyed so far is some of the scandals that have plagued the democratic candidates because, with trump, his scandals are so massive and exhausting, it's, like, sex with a porn star,
conflicts of interest, corruption in his cabinet, it's been refreshing to have old school silly scandal also again, you know? yeah, old school politics. for instance, did you guys know that kirsten gillibrand eats chicken wrong? >> a light hearted gaffe for contender for presidency. you eat pizza with your maundshands in new york, in south carolina don't get caught eating the local delicacy fried chicken the wrong way. >> that's really good. can i use fingers? just wanted to make sure. i don't want to be rude. >> trevor: trump grabs the pussy. democrats ask permission to touch their food. to i have your active consent to put my hand on this chicken thigh? ( laughter ) i think it's weird she has to ask how do you eat fried
chicken. what other questions, so, when i kiss the baby do i use tongue? how does this work? ( laughter ) so gillibrand has a fried chicken scandal. meanwhile, kamala harris is facing questions about her drug use, but not the questions you might expect. >> well, kamala harris, who is currently a senator from the great state of california, was on the breakfast club. >> she talked about smoking pot and the music she listened to when she was in college. listen to. >> this have you ever smoked? >> i have. >> okay. in college? >> uh-huh. >> what were you listening to when you was high? what was on? what song? >> oh, my goodness, definitely snoop, tupac for sure. >> that's kind of odd. in 1986, she graduated college, but in 1991 is when tupac ended up being so popular and that was one of his first albums released. so that was five years later. in 1993 is when snoop dogg
emerged and his first album was released. so i'm not too sure about that. >> trevor: fox news is priceless. every day trump says crazy shit like ted cruz's dad killed j.f.k.! and they're like, well, we'll never know for sure, i mean, nobody knows. then kamala harris says she got high while listening to snoop in college and they're, like, we called every medical school in the country and they have no record of a dr. dre! what's going on here! ( laughter ) to recap, exactl kamala said shd weed in college and said she listened to snoop dogg but his album didn't come out till later on. i understand. whenever anybody smokes weed they hear snoop dogg. when the first cave man inhaled he was like, la ti datyda.
ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh! snoop dogg plays out of a vape pen when you smoke. like you hear kid rock when you pop open a naughty nice. or maroon fire when you're completely stobber. that's what happens. but maybe the most shocking scandal roiling the democratic party now is that cory booker is a healthy eater. >> if cory booker became president, america would have its first vegan president. >> is cory booker trying to impart his vegan animal-free diet on the rest of us? he says eggs, he discovered, do not align with his spirit. >> trevor: eggs don't align with his spirit? that sounds like a really classy way of saying eggs give me diarrhea. ( laughter ) cory booker is walking out of the bathroom, like, you might want to give that a minute, i had a spiritual crisis in there.
( laughter ) i don't understand how this is on the news. i say if cory booker wants to be a vegan president, he should go for it. his diet choices are his business. they don't affect anyone else, or at least that's what i thought. >> good luck running for president trying to take away meat. >> are democrats really trying to take the white house on a platform of banning meat? >> he wants to be the most powerful person in the world, and he wants to impose his meat rashing on the rest of us. when you're eating a steak and go, nyum, nyum, nyum, that is so delicious. what's cory booker counter that with? >> lock your freezers, save it your meat, you may need it. it will be a valuable investment for years to come. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i feel so bad for folks who take fox news seriously. it has to be so much work. they always telling you, the democrats are coming for your shit. you have to stockpile a lifetime
supply of meat. you've got to stockpile guns, keep your fossil fuels, bibles, american flags, confederate statutes. there must be one closet in your house that's complete chaos. fox news is like reverse marie condo, put everything in your house as long as it sparks rage! ( laughter ) bernie sanders, welcome to the race and get ready because you will probably be caught up in some dumb scandal in no time. although i suspect when people do get upset, bernie, i probably know what you will say. >> oh, isn't that nice. >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) hey toothless.
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neck and poured bleach on him. but now police have found two brothers who claim jussie paid them to stage the attack. now the police searched their house and they found bleach, masks and ropes. this is the shortest c.s.i. episode ever. all the evidence is right there. i'm surprised they didn't find a back called faking hate crimes for dummies. police also took magazines from the brothers' house. why did they do that? we might know why. >> investigators looking into the alleged hate crime against empire actor jussie smollett are examining a threatening letter last month. >> the empire star received a threatening letter at the chicago studios where his show is filmed. the words appeared to be spelled out with letters clipped from a magazine. >> on the letter, it has a stick figure hanging from a tree with a gun pointed towards it with the words smollett jussie you will die black (~bleep ).
the return address. >> when the letter didn't get enough attention, smollett concocted the staged attack. >> trevor: for more on the story. joined by culture correspondent jaboukie young-white, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) jaboukie, you have been following the story from the start. now that it looks like it might have been staged are you surprised? >> i'm disappointed. as a gay person, i'm used to speaking on gay issues. as a black person i'm used to speaking on black issues. but i'm not used to them intercepting. someone's like, as a gay person, do you think i can pull off these shoes? or if rule paul robbed a bank, that would be the only other time. >> trevor: you're looking at this as a gay person and a black person. >> and i'm also part of a third
community that's been devastated by this, the actor community, trevor. because of just y, everyone will think actors are liars because that's our job, which is true, but on top of that i look like him. >> trevor: i don't think so. >> to white people, i do. ( laughter ) and hopefully, to whoever is casting the jussie smollett lifetime movie. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) because this story was made for lifetime, you know? we're still piecing together leaks from the chicago police department and more reliable sources like t.m.z. but you couldn't have written a crazier plot. i mean, trump supporters who watch empire, a death threat letter made out of magazine clippings, that's so dated, you know. everyone knows if you're sending a death threat, you post that shit on twitter. >> trevor: jaboukie, i think you're getting ahead of yourself. the big question is why would jussie smollett do something like this?
>> why does abactor do anything, trevor? hold on. let me do that again. why do actors do anything, trevor? that was it. use that one. use that one. i don't know why he did it, man. if he wanted to raise awareness for lgbtq rights, he should have donated money. if he wanted attention, leaked his nudes. if he wanted to hang out with guys at 2:00 a.m., grinder are right there. >> trevor: won't it make it hard for victims of real hate crimes to get justice? >> not really, because that would have required people to care about queer people, specifically queer black people in the first place. >> trevor: i think most people do caincht you haven't heard of the gay panic defense, a legal defense where someone can get a lighter sentence for killing a gay or transperson for claiming they hit on him.
in some states a person could beat a person like me to death and he could say he wanted to suck my dick and maybe i did. but if women could use that defense, there would be no men left. none! ( applause ) and then who would be left to buy all the three in one body wash shampoo and conditioners. >> trevor: some of us are busy. we don't have time for rots lots of products. this is obviously unfortunate on so many levels. what else your takeaway going forward? >> honestly, trevor, i think this is a teaching moment for us all and personally i've learned one really valuable lesson which is actors should not write their own projects. i mean, this thing had way too many plot holes. he totally miscast the villains. two nigerian trump supporters? ( laughter ) like, you can't just cast black people as racist white people.
this isn't "hamilton." ( applause ) now, if you will excuse me, i've got an audition to prepare for. i hear there is a new role that might be opening up on empire. >> trevor: jaboukie young-white, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) (buzzer) please, sir, can i have some less? ♪ ♪ ♪ less sugar greek yogurt from chobani. i'll take is pepsi ok? is pepsi, ok? is pepsi, ok!? [laughter] are puppies, ok? is a shooting star, ok?
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♪ ...but it's his way. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a professional n.b.a. basketball player who recently signed with the portland trailblazers. please welcome enes kanter! ( cheers and applause ) >> how you doing, brother? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> whoo, i've missed new york, man. i miss the fans. i love them. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: you miss new york. have you left already?
>> actually, yes. >> trevor: you've already gone. >> i packed all my stuff and it was a six-hour difference. six hours west. >> trevor: let's talk a little bit about this for those who don't know how this works. it's different for cork, but as an n.b.a. play, one day you were playing for the knicks. >> yes. >> trevor: then all of a sudden you're playing for portland, how does that work? >> i was working with the knicks and then i was with the g.m. president, we had a meeting, and in an hour i was not with the knicks again. they told me, hey, we're releasing you. we know that you want to play. >> trevor: right. >> and i told them, i wish them good luck, and i just signed with the portland. >> trevor: so i was lucky enough to go and watch one of your last games. >> yes. >> trevor: and enes is loved by the knicks fans. so people are cheering for you to come on. but the team doesn't want to bring you on because they need to lose so they can get a good draft pick next time. that's what i understand. you can do that all you want, but everyone -- no, you have the
whole m.s.g. going, we want kanter, and they're all clapping. and the guys ton court are, what are we, chopped liver? that must have been amazing. >> from the day one, the whole knicks fans gave me a warm welcome, not just the team or the organization, the whole state. that's why i cannot thank the whole knicks fans enough because i was just sitting there and they were going crazy saying we want kanter. it was coming from the heart, so i really appreciate it. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's amazing, man. and you are obviously not from new york. you adopted new york as your home. >> yes. >> trevor: and, you know, before you were leaving in your last game. >> yes. >> trevor: you riewnt on to the court and you kissed the ground, which is how i know you're not from new york. >> oh, my god. >> trevor: yeah. no new yorker would kiss the ground anywhere in new york. >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> trevor: but are you excited for your new journey now, to be
living in the home of the hipsters? is that going to change your style now? >> well, i mean, now i've still got the new york style. >> trevor: okay. >> that's not going to change, but i'm very excited because i miss portland trailblazerrers. they're about to make the playoffs in the west and just beat the golden state. >> trevor: that's exciting. >> very excited about that. ( applause ) >> trevor: you are one to have the most fascinating people i've met because, in essence, from turkey, and you said that you learned english by watching spongebob squarepants. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> and second one -- >> trevor: and what else was it? >> and jersey shore. >> trevor: and jersey shore. what a strange combination. >> it is. well, i was in college, you know. i told one of my friends, where can i learn the street language? >> trevor: right. >> he said there's a show. i said what show? he said, jersey shore. >> trevor: what kind of friend is this?
>> and i just start watching and i thought this is so weird. first two months, i didn't understand a word they were saying, and then after that i started understanding. >> trevor: and the spongebob, is that your thing now? >> i mean, i was watching it when i was a kid. just because it helped my english a lot. it was something fun i just started watching. >> trevor: you're one of those sports people who has decided to not just keep your talents on the court but you've decided to speak up. you've spoken about what's going on in turkey. a lot of people may or may not know this, but turkey is one if not the highest jailer of journalists in the world. >> right. >> trevor: and you've spoken out against the regime in turkey, against erdogan, and that has put you at risk, but it also put your family at risk. >> right. i have a platform and i'm trying to use this platform to talk for
the people who don't have a voice. people know my story, but there are thousands and thousands of people out there that their stories are way worse than mine. there are homeless people led by turkey, the kurds, elo wits, or the regimes. they claim me as a terrorist because i spoke out against the government. the only thing i terrorize is their basketball rim, i tweet that. that's how you've got to put it. >> trevor: i commend you. >> i appreciate it. >> trevor: i'm excited for what you will be doing in portland. i'm excited to see you terrorizing that rim. i wish you the best. >> thank you, my man. i appreciate it. >> trevor: thank you for being on the show. enes kanter, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ almost time for me to go.
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