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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  February 28, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PST

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ol' e.a. sports saying: get the [bleep] out of my building. [tin can clatters] - it's unbelievable, stan. e.a. sports just used us the entire time. we worked for nothing, and e.a. made all the money. no, i don't think we actually deserved getting screwed over. but--but i guess making tons of money off of people who are making nothing is always gonna cause problems. i know! i know, right? we might have got screwed, but the really tragic thing is that those-- those poor crack babies at the hospitals are just gonna be stuck there with nowhere to go. no way! this is it! - it's what? - this is it, stan! it's just like i designed it! there's the miniature golf course over there! and slides, and the-- excuse me, what is this place? - isn't it wonderful? all the crack babies will have a home now. - but who paid for all this? - kyle, kyle! look. [magical music]
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♪ - you don't think that-- but he isn't real. - maybe. or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all. children: ♪ vunter slaush kapu-sh-kuh ♪ ♪ shpealer in mein shoon-ska ♪ ♪ het vaait axl rose-a ♪ ♪ danka vunter slaush-a ♪ - he is real, you guys. children: ♪ shpealer in mein shoon-ska ♪ captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. thank you for coming out.
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yeah! ( cheers and applause ) oh, yeah. let's get into it! let's get into it. our our guest tonight is the author of "the hate you give," the bestselling novel that became a major movie. now she's got a new book out. angie thomas is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) also, also on tonight's show, president trump is having the best sleepover. michael cohen says it takes a liar to kitchen a liar. and lewis black has all the diseases. so let's catch up on today's headlines. president trump and kim jong-un. their relationship is like that weird new pokemon movie-- it shouldn't work, but somehow it just does. ( laughter ) so when they met for their second summit meeting today, everyone wanted to see how they would hit it off. >> the president kicking off his high-profile second summit with north korea's leader kim jong-un. the two met just this morning for dinner-- evening time there-- and a on 1 conversation.
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>> it's great to be with you. we had a very successful first summit. i felt it was very successful. and some people would like to see it go quicker. i'm satisfied. you're satisfied. we want to be happy with what we're doing, but i thought the first summit was a great success. and i think this one hopefully will be equal or greater than the first. ( laughter ) >> trevor: man, every time kim jong-un meets donald trump, he has that look on his face, like, he's like, "is this really the president of america?" like, you can see the whole time he's like, "where is ashton kutcher. this is a scam, right?" like, he looks the way we all felt for the first year after the 2016 election. like we're going to wake up, "this is not real, right?" also, this isn't exactly biting political commonitary but i will say it is astounding how weird these two men look. like, they're so geometric,
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like. kim looks like the nintendo mes, and trump is like blanca from "street fighter two." ( laughter ) everything about them. they even move like characters in the video game. look at this. it's like, no, no! turn the other way. what are you doing? they're weird, man, they're weird looking. i bet if they posed for a caricature artist in of the park the guy would be like, "there's nowhere to go. i'll put them on a skateboard. god has done all the work." let's move to news taking place overseas. india and pakistan were thinking about things to do with their nuclear weapons. >> pakistan says its air force shot down two indian warplanees after they crossed a boundary in the disputed territory of kashmir. >> earlier pakistani fighter jets executing bombing run, make thght first time these two countries have deployed warplanes against each other since their last war almost 50 years ago. but the big difference this time
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is both countries now have nuclear weapons. >> trevor: well, that doesn't sound good. if you're not familiar with the between india and pakistan. imagine cardi b and nicki minaj. now imagine they both have nuclear weapons. this is slightly less dangerous than that. that's what i'm saying. and, obviously, i hope india and pakistan don't go to war, but if they did go to war it would probably be the most entertaining. they would run out to the field, "time for you to die." it would also be the longest war of all time. "another dance number!" ( laughter ) and finally, finally-- sorry, i loch bollywood. i'm sorry, i do. some news closer to home. i believe that children are the future. teach them well, and let them beat the crap out of each other.
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>> in canada, when it comes to recess and playground time, some elementary schools are experimenting withed idea of letting their students play rough. these pilot projects will set up supervised rough play zones in the school yard. this is a space where disiewnts shove. they can grab, they can wrestle but they have to follow the rules. participation has to be voluntary, no kicking, hitting, biting, or throwing objects. the idea is to let some students who may be considering man a little more ram bunkous to get their energy out. >> trevor: that's right. schools in canada are setting aside a part of their playground for kids to basically beat each other up. you see all the fun you can have when your country has free health care? you see? ( laughter ) like, recess is so much better when you can sprain your ankle and your mom won't have to pawn heher wedding ring. as a society, we're getting so advanced we realize what we got
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rid of it good. playing rough on the playing pl. eating lead paint. we're bringing it back. i'll be honest-- i think kids should get into fights in the school yard. i'm not saying they should fight. i'm saying they should get into fights. you can imagine if you never get pushed as a kid? and when you're, like, 35 years old you get pushed for the first time. i wouldn't know what was happening. some guy would be like, "get out of the way." and you'd be like, "oooh, what is this?" let's move on to today's top story. now, on any other day, the biggest news would easily be the meeting between an autocratic mad man and the world's most dangerous baby. you can decide who's who. even though president trump is all the way in vietnam, his domestic scandals are still dominating the news while he's still away. you know the people who have super farts that lingers in the
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room an hour after they left? you know those people, yeah? you're like how can we still-- he left an hour ago. and the fart's in the corner. "sorry, guys, he told me to wait here for him." that's what this is. and the big fart today was michael cohen. trump's former lawyer who flipped and started cooperating with robert mueller. today, he was on capitol hill to tell congress everything that he knows about his old boss. >> the man who once said he would take a bullet for donald trump, took aim at the president today. >> sparks fly on capitol hill as michael cohen sits before the house oversight committee. he's making explosive allegations against the president. >> mr. trump is a racist. mr. trump is a con man. mr. trump is a cheat. he is capable of behaving kindly, but he is not kind. he is capable of committing acts of generosity, but he is not generous. he is capable of being loyal but he is fundamentally disloyal. >> trevor: damn. that was one hell of an opening statement, especially the part
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where he started speaking like the riddler." ( laughter ) "who is kind but not kind? bald but also blond? his hands are tiny, but he can grab an entire pussy. who is he? who is he!" ( applause ) ( laughter ) so, yes, michael cohen told congress that president trump is a racist, a con man and a cheat, which could have been big news if it wasn't also the slogan for trump's 2020 campaign. ( laughter ) but it was interesting to hear cohen give examples of trump's racism in private settings. >> he once asked me if i can name a country run by a black person that wasn't a shithole. this was when barack obama of president of the united states. and while we were once driving through a struggling neighborhood in chicago, he commented that only black people could live that way. and he told me that black people would never vote for him because
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they were too stupid. >> trevor: what? black people wouldn't vote for you, trump, because they're too stupid? no, donald. actually, the reason black people wouldn't vote for you is because of your trash-ass weave. ( laughter ) ( applause ) look at that thing! what is that? where did you get it from? it looks like you couldn't afford the good shit from india, so you just had to take it off the horses in central park. that's-- that's why black people didn't vote for you. also, the 50 years of well-documented racism, but mostly the weave, my friend. ( laughter ) now, in response to cohen's racism accusations, the republicans on the committee put forward an air-tight response to prove that trump is the least racist person you will ever meet. >> mark meadows bringing in lynn patton, who works for the administration, as proof that donald trump is not a racist. >> i asked lynn to come today in her personal capacity to actually shed some light. it has to do with your claim of racism.
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she says that as a daughter of a man born in birmingham, alabama, that there is no way that she would work for a-- for an individual who was racist. >> trevor: bravo. bravo. ( laughter ) they used the "black friend" defense. "i cannot be racist, because as you can see, i have a black friend." ( laughter ) there are so many things about this that i find funny. one, whenever the trumps are accused of racism, they always bring the same woman. i don't know if you've noticed that. like, if you can only bring one black person every time, something tells me you don't have black friends. and, also, i wonder how many times she has to show up to places because of something racist trump has said. like, it feels like she has to bail him out. at 3:00 a.m. she's probably getting texts from trump, "quick, lynn, i need you to come down to the golf club. i thought someone was steve harvey, but it was not steve harvey!" ( laughter ) it's like a black signal. like a black signal. "save me!" and, now, cohen made it clear that he had no hard proof of trump coordinating with russia
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during the campaign, but he did share one memory that, looking back on it, says, you know, it could be proof that trump knew about the infamous trump tower meeting. >> don trump jr. came into the room and walked behind his father's desk-- which in and of itself was unusual. people didn't just walk behind mr. trump's desk to talk to him. and i recall don jr. leaning over to his father and speaking in a low voice, which i could clearly hear, and saying, "the meeting is all set." and i remember mr. trump saying, "okay, good. let me know." >> trevor: you know the best part of that little story isn't that trump may have known about the trump russia tower meeting. it's that don jr. doesn't know how to whisper. ( laughter ) and choep had plenty of other revelations, details on trump potentially committing finance crimes by paying off stormy daniels.
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and how he used his charity to pay for a portrait for himself. but trump supporters on the house committee, they kept coming back to the same points: why should we believe michael cohen? >> i don't believe that michael cohen is capable of telling the truth. >> michael cohen, fraudster, cheat, convicted felon, and in two months, a federal inmate. >> how on earth is this witness credible? he's a fake witness. and his presence here is a travesty. >> you're about to go to prison for lying. how can we believe anything you say. the answer is we can't. >> look at the old adage that our moms taught up, "liar, liar, pants on fire." no one should ever listen to you and give you credibility. >> trevor: who's mom taught their kids, "liar, liar, pants on fire?" look, these republicans do have
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a point. as cohen himself has admitted, he lied to america on behalf of donald trump for 10 years. in fact, he's soon going to prison partly because he already lied to congress. show why take his word on any of the stuff? well, we may not have to take his word, because cohen also brought the receipts. >> i'm gig to the committee today, three years of trump's financial statement. i am providing a copy of a $35,000 check that president trump personally signed from his personal bank account on august 1 of 2017. when he was president of the united states, a copy of the $130,000 wire transfer. i'm giving the committee today copies of a letter i sent at mr. trump's direction threatening these schools with civil and criminal actions. mr. trump directed me to threaten his high school, his colleges, and the college board
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to never release his grades or s.a.t. scores. ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, that-- that part is just hilarious. how bad were trump's grades that he threatened to sue his school if they release them? "like, i swear to god, if you tell anyone i got a g-minus in math, i will destroy you!" oh, maybe we assume that. maybe it's something else. maybe trump doesn't want anyone finding out he got an "a" in spanish. he's just like, "if this gets out, my supporters are going to be so mad. and... ( speaking spanish ) i mean bad hombres. build the wall! ( laughter ) and, look, you almost can't blame republicans for caring more about protecting their presidents than getting to the truth, all right. that's just how politics works these days. but michael cohen did have a warning for them.
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>> i did the same thing that you're doing now for 10 years. i protected mr. trump for 10 years. and i can only warn people the more people that follow mr. trump, as i did blindly, are going to suffer the same consequences that i'm suffering. >> trevor: wow. that is a powerful, powerful, statement. and in response, the republican congressman replied, "i'm rubber. you're glue. i yield the remainder of my time." we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) you.
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all of you. how you live, what you love. that's what inspired us to create america's most advanced internet. internet that puts you in charge. that protects what's important. it handles everything, and reaches everywhere. this is beyond wifi, this is xfi. simple. easy. awesome. xfinity, the future of awesome. [woman 2] best buds.e. wait-who's that blurred out there in the background? [woman 1] did you bokeh my child? um, uh, that was totally unintentional. [woman 1] why do you hate jacob? [laughs] what? no-look. i can un-bokeh. see?
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[woman 2] bokeh, un-bokeh. [woman 1] wow. what kind of person bokehs a child? [woman 1] i would never bokeh your child. [woman 1] just so you know.
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somewhere you'll never find... sike! we put them everywhere. grocery stores and supermarkets, gas stations, and chiropractor's offices, bowling alleys, and grocery stores, which we already mentioned... not sorry, reese's. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." when a new story falls through the cracks, lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." ( cheers and applause )
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>> you know america has been blessed with some top-notch diseases -- swine flu, bitter flu, and of course pizza rat chlamydia. i've had them all! now we're even more blessed because one of america's classic diesels is making a comeback. >> right now, the u.s. is experiencing its worst measles outbreak since 2014 with 349 cases in 26 states in the past year. >> measles is no laughing matter. measles can kill and... >> it is exquisitely contagious. so you can be in a room where somebody with measles had left two hours earlier, and still get the disease. >> measles can survive in a room for two hours! there's not enough hand sanitizer in the world! laugh you can never be too careful. that was vodka, by the way.
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( laughter ) i hide it in the purell bottle so i can drink it in public. but, yes, the measles are back, like a new kids on the block reunion tour. no one asked for it, and no one's happy to see it. ( laughter ) i thought measles were dark-ages crap we successfully eliminated from the planet, like the dodo. if you say you're a bird but you can't fly, you're a liar! ( laughter ) how did this happen? modern medicine had pretty much eradicated measles, but it turns out science is no match for its greatest foe-- idiots. >> this morning the world health organization called the anti-vaccine movement a major threat to public health. >> hundreds rallied to preserve their right not to vaccinate their children. it is highly contagious. >> yes, it is. >> perhaps one of the most contagious disease out there. >> yes, it is. >> are you afraid you're putting your child at risk? >> no, i don't feel like i'm putting my child at risk. there's nothing that's going to change my mind on this on that
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specific vaccination. >> if you read the fine print, i'm sure somewhere it says there is a possible fatal outcome there, some possible fatal consequences and that gets you a little worried. >> i love morons! if you read the fine print-- well, actually, i've read the fine print of measles. and you know what the side effects include. dying of (bleep) measles! so where do these dummies get these dumb ideas? the same place that wants you to believe your miserable aunt and cosetted uncle are actually happy it's internet. but social media are finally starting to get their act together. >> facebook said, "we've taken steps to rereduce the distribution of health misinformation on facebook." >> pintreft said it wants to curb the spread of misinformation. most shared information on
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vaccination advise against them. >> who the (bleep) is getting their health information on pintrest? that's where you're supposed to plan weddings and find tacky home decor. then again, on pintrest, you can find tips on how to not vaccinate your kid and find the perfect headstone for your not-vaccinated kid. oh, shut up! i am up to date on my shots. i don't hear your oooo's. vaccines are safe and anti-vaxers put the rest of us at risk. so get your shots! and find a new conspiracy theory that won't hurt anyone. we don't even care how crazy it is. you can think the earth is flat and that tupac is it still alive and lives underneath the flat earth. ( laughter ) ( applause ) just leave us out of it! and if that doesn't work, we'll have to fall back on the same plan "b" we use for everything these days. get the kids to save us.
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>> high school senior ethan lindenberger says his parents' misguided beliefs about his health and the health of his younger siblings put them at risk. he recently deified his mother and got vaccinated. >> he thought it was normal for most kids not to get immunized but about two years ago he began to see how the posts about vaccines his own mother was sharing on social media were dangerous. in november, he asked strangers on reddit where he could go to get up to date with his shots. my parents are kind of stupid. god know how i'm still alive. ( laughter ). >> he had to vaccinate himself! imagine you're in a bedroom with a syringe. then your mom walks in and screams, "is that a vaccine! ""no, mom, it's heroin! i swear!" ( laughter ) look, vaccines are a public good, and i'm willing to do my part to end this epidemic of stupid. so for any kids or teens out there whose parents won't let
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them get their shots, here's my offer: i will adopt you! will i be a good father? no! i'll gamble your college fund, i'll hit on all your girlfriends and boyfriends. and did i mention, i drink vodka from a purell bottle. but i'd still be better than anti-vaxxer parents. my adopted kids would need therapy, but at least they'd be alive. ( laughter ) trevor. >> trevor: lewis black, everyone! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) (paul) how do we tell people they get
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neutrogena®. 100% rain or shine. [sfx] scanning sound all white-meat. hungry boy. enjoy! try an all white meat $5 fill up at kfc. there's a lot of stuff michael follows online. then he tried tostitos scoops and salsa... and he started following them in real life. no! ♪ and kept following... ♪ everywhere. ♪ wow, okay. boundaries, michael, boundaries. hey, mike. sup. oh! tostitos. get together already. we made it! where's jason? jason! jason! i didn't know if you were lost. stick with me. i'll keep you safe. there's a family in our driveway. [ eerie music playing ]
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what are you people? [ sinister laugh ] it's us. ♪ i got five on it they won't stop. we need to move and keep moving. ♪ i got five on it [ screaming ] stick with me. i'll keep you safe. [ screaming ] ♪ five on it ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to
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"the daily show." my guest tonight is a critically acclaimed young-adult author whose first, book "the hate you give," has been dominating "the new york times" bestseller list for two years and counting. her new book is called "on the come up." please welcome angie thomas. ( cheers and applause ) >> wow! it's always a problem with short people and chairs. >> trevor: oh, jumping into the chair? >> yeah. >> trevor: yeah, that's a short-people problem. it really is. ( laughter ) kevin hart always complains about that. yeah, he always says he has to hop into the chair. it's like his little thing. i didn't do that to sabotage you. welcome to the show. >> no problem. >> trevor: i'm a big fan of yours. congratulations, first and foremost. two years ago today, your book "the hate you give," was number one on the "new york times" bestseller list, and it is still bouncing between number one and number two. congratulations. >> thank you, thank you. ( applause ) >> trevor: i'm intrigued. there's a question an audience member asked me just before you
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came out about adversity in life. you were an author, an author that nobody would take seriously, an author that nobody wanted-- no one wanted your work. no one was going to publish you. and you carried on writing. you continued persevering, and you believed in yourself. how did you work through all of that adversity? how did you say to yourself, "no, i do have something worth reading?" >> you know, for me, it was about keeping my vision, you know, and making sure that i always kept my dreams and focused on them. because it's easy to look at everything else. and, you know, then having a black mama who will not let you give up. black moms have this talent. like, "i know you are not considering giving up. no, you have to keep going." so that really helped me a lot. sometimes when you're going through so much stuff you hope for better, and you can't help but keep going to try to get better. >> trevor: what i really found interesting about your books is they are written in such an authentic fast-paced manner. it's about young adults. it's about kids who are growing into adults. it's about life.
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and there are some kids who didn't want to take your book. because they're like, "this profanity that the kids are using in the book. we don't want our children reading this." how did you respond to that? >> well, my first thought was you must not be listening to those kids in the hallway. but at first i was angry. i cannot lie. i was so angry because i knew that was a cop-out. you can say that. and i tell you this-- there are 89 instances of the "f" word in "the hate you give." last year alone 800 people lost their lives at the hand of police brutality. that number is far scarier. so, when you're telling me it's the language, no, that's not what it is. you don't want to talk about the topic. and when you say that, you're telling the kids. your stories don't matter. and my job as a writer is to write the stories that make adults uncomfortable. because that's what the kids need. ( applause ) >> trevor: >> trevor: "the hate you give" was turned into a really successful film.
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i think it's boosted the popularity of the book, and vice versa. and now you've come out with "on the come up." what i really love about this story is it's a story of another young woman who is-- her dream is to become a rapper. she grows up in basically the same neighborhood as the character from "the hate you give," but they live very different lives, very different stories. did you do that on purpose, to put them in the same world but have them be completely different? >> yeah, absolutely. they don't even know each other, because not all black people know each other. >> trevor: what! >> i know, right, shocking! no, they don't know each other. their lives are different. their personalities are different. because i don't even want people to think that two girls from the same neighborhood will act alike, will behave the same way. so it was really important for me to do that. gl one of the reasons you've been so successful, your book, "the hate you give," was number one on the "new york imes" bestseller list. unfortunately it's been knocked off the number one spot by your second book "on the come up." do you have a little beef with yourself sometimes? like a moment-- >> you know, i did earlier today
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because "the hate you give" took the number one spot back. and i'm like, star, please let your little sister shine. i feel like she's the overachieving older child. and she's like, "no, i got this. let me get my spot back." it's fun. it's interesting to know that i'm my biggest hurdle at times. >> trevor: yes. >> you know, i don't mean to sound cocky by saying, that but but i just have to try to beat myself. >> trevor: that's an amazing thing to work towards. it genuinely is. your books are amazing. there's a reason you have sold millions of copies. and i'm excited to see what film this one turns into. thank you so much for being on the show. wonderful reading your work. "on the come up" is available now. trust me, you want to read it, you want to get your kids reading it as well. angie thomas, everyone. we'll be right back. ♪ (butcher) we both know you're not just looking for pork chops. you're searching for something more... ...red-blooded. right this way. you thirst for adrenaline, you hunger for raw power.
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♪ how to train your dragon: the hidden world is the #1 movie in america. wow! audiences give it an a. the visuals outdo anything we've seen before. the whole world knows about us now. media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> that's how he speaks. he doesn't give you questions. he doesn't give you orders. he speaks in a code.

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