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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 1, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PST

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- what? - my scrotum. that dolphin has my scrotum. now, let us in. - you can't go in, ma'am. we have unauthorized entry on level 1. - all right, broflovski, you're going in next possession. - all right. [crackling] ow...hmm. - gerald, where's kyle? - what, why? - my balls are in his knees. if he jumps with them, they'll explode. - oh, my god. - there they are, next to that dolphin. - come on, we gotta get to those balls. [gunfire] - stop them! they didn't pay the $2 entry fee. - now substituting for colorado, number four, kyle broflovski. - oh jesus. he's about to play. [gunfire] [grunting] - mrs. garrison, grab kyle. - which one is he? - arrrhhh. - ohhh. - hey, what the hell?
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- stop the game! ahhhh! - ohhh. - i got it. i got the ball. - kyle, no! - broflovski goes for the dunk. - no! - my baaaaaaalllllssssss! - aagh. [screams] - so let me get this straight. that woman over there was trying to get to her balls which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin. - yeah, that's basically it. - sounds like an open and shut case. all right, let's head 'em out. i'm sorry, kyle. i should i have told you the surgery was cosmetic only. - so does this mean i'm not really a dolphin?
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- let's get you two up to the clinic, and i'll change you back for a nominal fee. - but what about mr. garrison? he can't go back. - you know what, i'm okay. even though i'm not truly a woman, i think i still like the new me. i'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a fag. hey, guys! this girl is staying a woman. who wants to pound my vag? girl power. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world
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news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: hello! oh, yeah! oh, yeah! welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for coming out! wow, you guys are amazing! so much energy! let's get it into! come on, come on, let's get into it? let's go it. welcome to the show. i'm trevor noah. our guest student an insanely talented musician, a super nice guy, here to chat and play us a song off his new album gary clark, jr. is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on the show tonight, why 2019 was the worst black history month ever. roy wood, jr. with a magical "cp time" and kim jong un breaks president trump's heart. but first, let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪
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israel, it's the country that three major religions call "the holy land." but today the people of israel are saying holy crap! >> breaking news out of israel where prime minister netanyahu has been indicted. the israeli attorney general announcing on charges of bribe bring and fraud. >> netanyahu allidged accepted more than $100,000 worth of cigars and sam shane from a man he gave political and business favors to. >> trevor: that's right, israel's prime minister has been indicted for corruption. and look, guys, i'm all for corruption, but you have to have standards, report? how are you going to be a world leader getting bribed with sam pain and cigars? that is such a trashy thing. that's what poor people think rich people would like, champagne and cigars.
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that's $100,000 in gifts. $100,000 is what some idiot paid to go to the fire festival. you have to think bigger. according to authorities, the bribes also included mariah marh carey tickets. i'm, like, what? i have nothing against mariah but i'm picturing benjamin netanyahu drunk, smoking cigars, sing along with my ryia carriy, you will always be my baby! ( laughter ) after years of negotiations, israel has at the sided to opinion diet its leader for his crimes. after hearing that's correct americans are, like, can our constitution convert to judaism? ( laughter ) do you guys like girl scout cookies? ( cheers and applause ) everybody look under your seats because i lost my airpods earlier today. let me know if you find them. girl scout cookies. last week a story went viral out of south carolina.
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really sweet story. two girls were selling cookies out in the freezing cold and a stranger took pity on them and bought every single box they had, gave them $540 in cash, just bought everything. and most people are, like, that's so adorable, a beautiful feel-good story. and some people are, like, why did he have $500 in cash? which turned out to be the right question -- ( laughter ) -- because, on tuesday, that man was arrested for being a drug dealer. ( audience reacts ) yeah. and they say the timing was a coincidence, but, if you ask me, i think the girl scouts were the ones who snatched. yeah, they were probably, like, wait, he's selling on our turf? this is our corn, bitch! this is where we sell! watch out, girl scout omar coming! ( laughter ) and in our final storks shopping online, it is both the best and the worst. i mean, it's great not having to put on pants, but at least when
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you buy something at the store, you know what you're getting. >> cbs news.com reports on an increase of fake reviews hitting major retail web sites. analysis of online customer reviews from fake spot found 52% of those posted on wal-mart's web site are unauthentic or reliable. it found 30% of amazon's reviews are fake. >> trevor: not everything on the internet is not real? damn! i'll be honest, i was less shocked that online reviews are faked and more shocked people actually read online reviews because i don't trust anyone who writes a review on a web site. who has the time for that? if i like a new tv, i i will be, like, that's a nice tv, then i keep watching. who's, like, this is so good i need write a paragraph about it! no, i don't trust those people. i also don't trust revise.
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i get reviews from real life. i judge products by how people use them in real life. if i see someone holding their phone like this, i don't want that phone, all right? that's my review. every time i drive past a car crash, the car that comes off worst, my review is i don't want that car. simple as that. the same reason i don't want children. if you listen to the reviews, parents will bamboozle you. they will be look raising a child is the most wonderful experience, it's a gift, you have to try it, five stars. but in real life, parents are chasing the assholes around costco screaming, put that down, justin, i'm going to kill you! that's the review! ( laughter ) let's move on to today's top story. north korea. when president obama left office, he warned donald trump that kim jong un's nuclear threat would be his biggest challenge. that and learning to read.
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but mostly the nuclear challenge. after trump's second summit with the north korean snowman, it turns out obama may have been right. >> breaking news, no deal. nuclear talks with kim jong un suddenly break down overnight. >> president trump beginning an 8,000-mile journey home from hanoi, timp handed. >> sometimes you have to walk, and this was just one of those sometimes. >> no concessions, no deal, no final photo op. a closing ceremony scheduled to celebrate an agreement scrapped, even when youch was canceled with the table already set. >> trevor: wow. ( laughter ) you know something must have gone wrong when these two turn down lunch. wow. ( laughter ) although, i berkts after they left the room, kim jong un came back and was, like, can i get this lunch to go, please? there's a lot of hungry people in my country and i want to eat this in front of them, yeah. ( laughter ) after months of anticipation,
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nuclear talks between the u.s. and north korea have completely broken down. i don't know about you, but i was shocked because my boy trump has been telling us at the he and kim jong un where good, i mean, like, real good. >> we have a good chemistry together. >> kim jong un. we have a great chairman, a great chemistry. i like him, he likes me, the relationship is good. we go back and forth, and then we fell in love, okay? ( laughter ) no, really, he wrote me beautiful letsers, and they're great letters. we fell in love. >> trevor: you see? you see? trump and kim fell in love, and i know that sounds weird, but when you think about it, kim jong un is totally donald trump's type. all trump's best relationships are with people who are half his age and don't speak english. it works. that's when the relationship be best. that's what i'm saying. ( laughter ) and i'll be honest, when this summit started, it seemed like love was still in the air.
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>> the day started with the promise of a tea deal to get rif the regime's nuclear weapons. >> president trump and kim jong un are enjoying alone time. >> the two walked around the hotel. >> kim took questions from the western press. >> are you going to denuclearize? >> if i'm not willing to do that, i wouldn't be here right now. >> trevor: oh, wow. that's right, things were go so well that for the first time ever kim jong un took a question from the western press and answered with swag. you heard him? you plan to do it? he's, like, if i wasn't planning to do it, i wouldn't be here. that's progress. in north korea when a reporter asks him a question, the response usually, great question. feed limb to the lions! and feet the lions to me! they wouldn't gev me that runch to go! if everything started out great, what turned the love affair
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sour. they both just wanted different things. >> the u.s. was hoping for more concrete steps from pyongyang, for a deal that was verifiable and enforceable. >> a fundamental disagreement, kim jong un wants the crushing sanctions on his country lifted before dismantling his nuclear program. >> basically, they wanted the sanctions lifted in their entirety, and we couldn't do that. they were willing to denuke a large portion to have the areas we wanted but we couldn't give up all of the sphoorntion that. >> trevor: oh, man. so that's what happened. kim wanted trump to give everything up, but before he did, trump wanted guarantees in exchange. classic relationship dilemma. trump was, like, kim, if i'm going to open my trade to you, then we need to make this official. kim is, like, official? why have we got to put labels on this, baby?
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we were having fun. remember our trip to singapore? trump's, like, i know, people are saying you're taking advantage of me. i'm always flying to you. you not to me. kim is like, once my economy is taking off, i will be flying to you all the time. trump is, like, i don't know why you won't let me check the sites. kim is no music, man! check the sites! trump is, like, okay. kim is reich, no, you can't test the sites! i was right ability you! trump is, like, no, kim! i need to build a wall around my heart! ( crying ) ( applause ) that's how it all went down and now, even though kim jong un made trump fly to the other side to have the world for nothing, trump still believes that they
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can work things out. >> when we walked away, it was a very friendly walk. we shook hands, we -- you know, there's a warp that we have -- a warmth that we have. i hope that stays, i think it will. we will keep the relationship. we'll see what happens over the next period of time. >> trevor: oh, shame, donald, this is so tough to watch because we really all have been there. you told your friends this was going to work out and, despite the warnings, you still carried on, and now you're trying to save face because you think everyone's judging you, which we totally are, but instead of dragging this out, i think it's time to accept that just maybe similar is just not that into you. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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♪ i like it okay, what have we learned today? you want a pepsi? i want a pepsi. there you go. okurrr. aaahh. i've got to come up with my own catch phrase. okayyy ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! it's february, which means it's black history month, and we are celebrating up a month with roy wood, jr. and "cp time."
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♪ >> welcome to "cp time," the only show that's for the culture. today, we're going to discuss the magical negro, which ironically was my stage name when i was a magician back in the day. instead of pulling rabbits out of hats, i pulled mine out of tupperware. dead every time. the term magical negro is actually used to describe supporting black characters in movies whose only purpose in the film is to help the white hero. we've seen it many times in movies like fix my golf game, fix my penis, fix my dumbass kids, and my favorite fix my daddy issues. independent lek chiewbles have debated this for many years but i think we all can conclude that owedda was black. he lived in the raggiest part of the galaxy, had a pimp cane and
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his car was broke down in the front yard on blocks. the term was coined by spike lee but magical negro appeared in a song of the south, where a black man nurses a little white boy back to health with bedtime stories. which is nonsense. stories do not have magical healing powers. if they did, i would be reading cat in the hat to my hemorrhoids. if you are a caucasian, you may be asking why is the imaginicle negro character probabl problem? it reinforces the idea that black people's only purpose is to help white people because, think about it, don't you find it just a little odd that the magical negro also never use expertise to help themselves? if michael clarke duncan was so
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magical why didn't he rub himself out of prison, or if will smith was so good at golf why didn't he win the tournament himself? he could have told mat matt damn how about you go good will hunting for another sport, bitch? ( laughter ) but despite the criticism, the magical negro stereotype is used and repardonned for it. last week best picture oscar was given to the green book, where a black man uses his black piano imaginicle powers to teach his uber driver to not be racist. they are now challenging the imagine asking negro stereo time and some even using white magical negroes. the movie black panther featured a magical white hobbit. then the 01 0 -- 2015 film cree.
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sylvester stallone used his powers to give michael b. jordan the proper training so he, too, could get his ass whooped in the big match. >> oomph! >> like a bitch! and it's not just limited to movies. there are now white people in real life who are using their magical white powers to support the black man's mission, which is why, today, cptime would like to honor one of those magical white negroes. it's with much pleasure i award this year's "cp time" lifetime achievement award to vice president joe biden for being barack obama's magical white negro. he gave obama good advice, he was the administration's comic relief, and he always had his finger guns loaded and ready. joe biden has the soul of a black man and the gestures of someone who just had relations for the first time. so we say thank you, joe biden. now, of course, joe biden is not here to accept this award
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because he was not aware he was getting it, but i made several copies and left them in place where is i think he will find them, such as a men's warehouse or the dining car in an am track train, in a walgreen's behind the bin gate. that's all the time that we have for today. i'm roy wood, jr. and this has been "cp time." and remember, we're for the culture. i'm going to need to get this back from joe. i printed this on the back of my car title. >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everyone. so today is officially the last day of black history month and, honestly, if you have been keeping up with the news, we can all agree it wasn't the best. >> northam acknowledged he was in a photograph depicting blackface. >> he had worn shoe polish in a dance contest as michael jackson. >> apologizing for blackface.
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>> apologizing to steve harvey. >> turtleneck resembles blackface. >> all white sneaker for the company's black history line. >> imitate ago lynching. >> back to school necklaces. >> bathrooms whites only. >> openly racist. >> using the n-word. >> words of racism. >> mass lynching. >> hoodie with a new staged hate crime attack against himself. >> run away slave game. >> lee in a con fed rath rat uniform. >> green book. >> targeted with raysest slurs, the n word. >> black people wouldn't vote for him because they were too stupid. >> black children were asked to imagine being slaves at the governor's mansion. ♪ (butcher) we both know you're not just looking for pork chops.
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i'm connected with my boys. every day i can video chat with them. i could be in the middle of wyoming. even if i'm like waaay... out here, i can still reach my kids. baby, you-- you see me? (sons) hey, daddy! (vo) there for you when it matters most. unlimited on the best network now comes with apple music on us and $300 off our best phones. only on verizon. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is a grammy award-winning musician who is new album is called "this land." please welcome gary clark, jr. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to the show. >> thank you. thanks for having me. >> trevor: not only are you an amazing musician, you are somebody who has managed to transcend styles of music. so many people have lauded you
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as one of "the" musicians of our time -- everyone from "rolling stone," president barack obama, beyonce, jay-z -- they say this man knows how to make music. what is it about your music that connects with such a diverse audience? >> i have to attribute it to where i'm from, austin, texas. i grew up a around sixth street, you could hear jazz, blues, are b funk, seven days a week all day and night for hours and hours. i would run around, take my parents car, they used to call me hot wire and run around. >> trevor: your parents called you hot wire? >> no, my boys. >> trevor: i thought your parents did. i thought those are cool parents. >> yeah. >> trevor: you've always said as an artist you're not overtly trying to push a message, but this land, the album and the title track, specifically speak
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about america and how you see it today. what inspired the song and what inspired the title of the album? >> what inspired the song was basically, it was that time, 2015, 2016, elections were coming up, there was all kinds of stuff happening in the world, colin kaepernick, you know, that situation, and being black and from texas, trying to write this album. i wanted to be very gin win about what i wanted to express, and that was everything, all the emotions. unfortunately, in this day and age, i still have situations that made me feel like that. so i just put it on an album. >> trevor: one of the reviews i read about your music encapsulated what i felt when i listened is you're using these words to encapsulate the feeling of what you're experiencing. obviously it's not the same as hip-hop where the n-word is just thrown around. it's literally you going this is here for a purpose, a feeling
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and a moment. when you're writing your music, are you trying to get people to feel what you were feeling when you experienced the story you're telling? >> i was trying to get myself to actually, genuinely, honestly feel the way i was feeling and express that. >> trevor: right. >> you know, and i tried running back the edit version and it just didn't have that fire. it's uncomfortable. it's -- it's fierce. it's -- it's just ugh. ( laughter ) for me, i couldn't express it any other way at the time. >> trevor: i'm excited for you to play the song on the show. we're going to play the unedited version o, the ugh version. gotten go anywhere. gary clark, jr. will be playing us out. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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♪ which is the not the easy way... ♪ ...but it's his way. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." next weekend, "the daily show" will be at south by southwest, the festival in austin, texas. i will be there, the correspondents will be there and we'll bring the donald trump presidential twitter library. so if you're in austin next weekend, come check us out. now to play us out with the title track of his new album "this land," please welcome gary clark, jr. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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♪ paranoid and pissed off now that i got the money ♪ fifty acres and a model a' right in the middle of trump country ♪ i told you 'there goes a neighbourhood' ♪ now mister williams ain't so funny ♪ i see you looking out your window ♪ can't wait to call the police on me ♪ when i know you think i'm upto somethin' ♪ i'm just eating out but still hungry ♪ and this is my analogy i ain't even near you can't till you put me ♪ i remember when you used to tell me ♪ 'nigga run, nigga run go back where you come from ♪ nigga run, nigga run go back where you come from
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♪ we don't want, we don't want your kind ♪ we think you's a dog born well, i'm america's son. ♪ this is where i come from this land is mine this land is mine this land is mine this land is mine ♪ up till the sun comes up no i can't stop grindin' ♪ and i can't let 'em break me no i can't let 'em find me ♪ you can meet my friend the governor ♪ only if you wanna try me or you can meet my other friend the judge ♪ just in case you think i'm lyin' ♪ and i know you think i'm upto somethin' ♪ i'm just eating out but still hungry ♪ and this is my analogy i ain't leaving here you can't take it from me ♪ i remember when you used to tell me
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♪ 'nigga run, nigga run go back where you come from ♪ nigga run, nigga run go back where you come from ♪ we don't want, we don't want your kind ♪ we think you's a dog born well, i'm america's son ♪ this is where i come from ♪ this land is mine ♪ this land is mine ♪ this land is mine ♪ this land is mine (guitar solo)

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