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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 5, 2019 1:33am-2:05am PST

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of my incredible psychic ability. - well, young man, you did an amazing thing. not only did your psychic visions help us catch the killer, but a lot of innocent people are out of jail. - yes, thank you very much, kyle. - yes, thanks. - you're certainly a better psychic than eric. - no, don't you see? cartman never had psychic visions. and neither do these people. the plain simple truth is that nobody is psychic. there's a logical explanation for every psychic story you've ever heard. - do you think that's true? - it must be true. the kid is psychic. but i don't suppose it really matters much, because in the end, the way i caught the killer was with good old-fashioned police work. come on, murphy. - well, young man, i guess that just leaves one score to settle. - you can't hurt me. - then let this be our final battle. [all imitating spacey sound effects] - oh, stop it! stop it! [electricity buzzes] [glass shatters]
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there's a logical explanation for that. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com [patriotic music] male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... ♪ [mocking accordion music] - [giggles] ♪ - president trump clashing with nancy pelosi and chuck schumer over border security during an explosive sit-down. - nancy pelosi and chuck schumer together with the president, clashed big time
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over border wall funding. with a december 21 deadline to avoid a government shutdown, the clock is ticking. - trump is demanding $5 billion for a border wall, and as you can imagine, democrats would rather release obama's original kenyan birth certificate than give trump that wall money, which is why this meeting turned into an absolute mess. - you want to shut it down. you keep talking about it. - no, no, no, the last time, chuck, you shut it down... - no, no, no, 20 times-- - and then you opened it up very quickly, and i don't want to do what you did. - but you said it is effective. - can i be-- can i tell you something? - yeah, you just said it's effective. - house democrats who just won a big victory... - elections have consequences, mr. president. - let me just say this-- - that's right. and that's why the country's doing so well. - you can do border security without a wall, which is wasteful and doesn't solve the problem. - it totally solves the problem. - morale is not high. - we've gained in the senate. nancy, we've gained in the senate. excuse me. did we win the senate? - is morale-- - we won the senate. - when the president brags that he won north dakota and indiana, he's in real trouble.
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[audience laughs and exclaims] - [laughing] okay, okay... why does chuck schumer keep talking to the camera? [laughter] they're having an argument and he's like a character in an episode of "the office." he's like, "now the president is doing this right now." [upbeat music] now the thing about shutdowns is that if they end quickly, there's not much harm that is done, right, but the longer they go on, the worse the effects are. think of it like this: if you leave your cats at home alone for the weekend, they may not love it, but they'll be fine, right? they'll just, like, drink toilet water or something, right, but if you're gone for six months, you're gonna need some new cats, right? [laughter] and-- because they escape and they leave. [laughter] and 17 days into this shutdown, let's just say that america's cats are starting to stink. - tonight, nearly a dozen departments and agencies have run out of funding. roughly 25% of the federal government gone dark.
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- here are those departments: agriculture, commerce, justice, homeland security, housing and urban development, interior, state, transportation, treasury. - many judges are furloughed, creating a backlog in the immigration court system. - then there are the farmers already under duress from the president's trade war with china. the shutdown means they're not getting those stimulus payments promised by their government. - the ripple effects extending to the national parks piling up with garbage, even human waste, turning them into health hazards. - park visitors in some places are taking care of business, shall we say, along pathways or in the woods. - that's right. the shutdown has gotten so bad that at national parks, americans are pooping on the ground. [scattered laughter] who's the shithole country now? [laughter] [cheers and applause] [stirring orchestral music] - it's day 20 of the second longest government shutdown in history. 1995, we're coming for ya! whoo!
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with no end in sight, civil servants are marching on washington, d.c., and the president knows why. - people that won't get next week's pay or the following week's pay, i think if you ever really looked at those people, i think they'd say, "mr. president..." - he's talking about people who work for the irs or homeland security or nasa and are about to miss their first paycheck. time to give these people a chance to speak to the president directly and to tell him to keep going. this is a card for president trump to tell him to keep going. you write whatever you want to president trump in his keep going card. - american federation of government employees, "hell no." - he wrote, "keep going, mr. president. we are all not behind you." you mean--"not not" is what he meant to write. - stop... the... bs. - "stop the bs." bad seeds trying to come in from over the border, right? we got it, ryan. see, the people do support the president. you tell president trump exactly how much you support him
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and what he's doing. [laughter, scattered applause] - don't hold back. [cheers and applause] may be this rally just needs a good, simple chant. keep going! keep going! keep going, mr. president! keep going, mr. president! where's everybody leaving? come back. [funky music] ♪ - so, today at the white house, the president met with congressional leaders to try and negotiate an end to this shutdown, and, uh, trump shut that down too. - unfortunately, the president just got up and walked out. uh, he asked, uh, speaker pelosi, "will you agree to my wall?" she said, "no," and he just got up and said, "then we have nothing to talk discuss," and he just walked out. - this was what president trump had to say about it. he said, "just left a meeting with chuck and nancy, "a total waste of time. "i asked, 'are you going to approve border security,
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"which includes a wall or steel barrier?' "nancy said, 'no.' "i said, 'bye-bye.' nothing else works." - [mimicking trump] bye-bye. [laughter] oh, man, say what you want about trump, some of the things that he does are pretty badass, right? 'cause that's always been a dream of mine. i'm not gonna lie. i've always dreamed of walking into a meeting and being like, "are you guys gonna give me what i want?" "no? well, then this meetings over. bye-bye." [mocking accordion music] - [giggles] we made it! where's jason? jason! jason! i didn't know if you were lost. stick with me. i'll keep you safe. there's a family in our driveway. [ eerie music playing ] what are you people? [ sinister laugh ] it's us. ♪ i got five on it they won't stop. we need to move and keep moving. ♪ i got five on it [ screaming ] stick with me. i'll keep you safe. [ screaming ] ♪ five on it
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cause there is a growing humanitarian and security crisis at our southern border. the federal government remains shutdown for one reason and one reason only. because democrats will not fund border security. this is a humanitarian crisis, a crisis of the heart, and a crisis of the soul. - [mimicking trump] "soul." [laughter] "crisis of the soul." [laughter] you know trump had to practice that word hard because he's never said it before, right? he was probably reading a draft of the speech like... [mimicking trump] "a crisis of the soul. "sowl--sowel. "did you guys just make up this word? "i love it. give me more nonsense words like this. i love it. sou--soul." [laughter] and, look, for all the hype, the speech wasn't even that long. it was only ten minutes, and eight minutes of it was just trump sniffing. - this barrier is absolutely critical
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to border security. [sniffs] that defends our borders, and we--opens the government. [sniffs] democrats in congress have refused to acknowledge the crisis. [sniffs] [laughter] - [sniffs] [laughing] he was going--like-- he was sniffing so much, it sounds like he's trying to get all the drugs off the street himself. "i'll get rid of them. give--bring them to me." but even in that short ten minutes, president trump managed to pack in a lot of scaring the shit out of people about illegal immigrants. - our southern border's a pipeline for vast quantities of illegal drugs. meth, heroin, cocaine... more americans will die from drugs this year... sex crimes... violent killings... murdered... raped... beaten... beheading... dismembering... blood... blood. - good lord, so much violence. [scattered laughter] this thing was on tv at 9:00 p.m. this doesn't belong on network. this was an hbo speech. they should have put up one of those content warnings first
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so you could get the kids out of the room, you know? and right now it looks like the shutdown could go on for a very long time because both sides feel like they have a mandate from voters, right? trump could say that he won the presidency promising a border wall, so he has a duty to build that wall. but on the other hand, he also promised that mexico would pay for it. the democrats could say that they just won the midterms in a landslide, and they ran against the wall, so they have an obligation to stop it. but the one thing everyone should be able to agree on is that none of this should shut the government down. this is politics. this is what you're supposed to be discussing. it's your job. and it's also disingenuous for president trump to try and blame the shutdown on the democrats. especially after saying this... - i am proud to shutdown the government for border security. i will be the one to shut it down. i'm not gonna blame you for it. [laughter] [mimicking trump] "unless it goes bad, then i'm blaming you guys. bye-bye!" [laughter, cheers, and applause]
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the whole debate has just devolved into wall or no wall, like caveman congress. and if there's one thing we know, it's that nothing will stop immigrants from trying to come to america. this is a place that people dream of coming to because people who are trying to make a better, safer life for their families will do anything to achieve that dream. and i know donald trump understands this because of this video we found from 15 years ago. - never ever give up. don't give up. don't allow it to happen. if there's a concrete wall in front of you, go through it, go over it, go around it, but get to the other side of that wall. [ominous music] ♪ - we know from dhs testing over the course of the last year that all of president trump's prototypes were breachable in some way, but now for the first time, "nbc news" has exclusively obtained a photograph of the steel-slat-barrier-style border wall design that was clearly cut through
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with what we are told is a household saw. - you'd think the news that you can just saw through a steel wall would be devastating news for trump, but, apparently, he already knows about this, and he's not concerned. - there's nothing that can't be penetrated, but you fix it. - i get what he's saying. again, i get it. even if a wall isn't 100% impenetrable, it's still better than nothing. and america's gonna need all the help it can get because the way trump tells it, things on the border are about to get nuts. - here's the story. there is another... major caravan forming... right now in honduras. and so far--we're trying to break it up, but so far, it's bigger than anything we've seen. - i don't know, but the president makes it sound like a hurricane of hondurans is heading for the u.s.
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you know--no, i mean, like, say what you want about him as president, but donald trump would make a great immigration weatherman. - here's the story. there is another... major caravan forming right now in honduras, and so far--we're trying to break it up, but so far, it's bigger than anything we've seen, and a drone isn't gonna stop it, and a sensor isn't gonna stop it. but you know what's gonna stop it in its tracks? a nice, powerful wall. [mocking accordion music] - [giggles]
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[hip-hop music] [mocking accordion music] ♪ - president trump is demanding $5 billion from u.s. taxpayers to fund the wall, which is weird because during the campaign, he might have mentioned once or twice another idea for where the wall money would come from. - i will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and i will have mexico pay for that wall. [together] mexico is going to pay for the wall. mexico is going to pay for the wall 100%. who's gonna pay for the wall? all: mexico! - only thing worse than one trump is many trumps. [laughter] mexico's gonna pay for it. that was trump's signature catchphrase. more than any other catchphrase.
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more than "you're fired." more than "make america great again." even more than "don't tell my wife about this." [laughter] but we never should have actually believed that mexico was going to pay for the wall. because every time someone asked trump how mexico would pay, he had a completely different explanation. - there will be a payment. it will be in a form, perhaps a complicated form. one way or the other, mexico's gonna pay for the wall. that's right. it may be through reimbursement, but one way or the other, mexico will pay for the wall. the wall will pay for itself on a monthly basis. we're working on a tax reform bill that will generate revenue from mexico that will pay for the wall. we have a trade deficit with mexico of $58 billion. all i have to do is start playing with that trade deficit and, believe me, they're gonna pay for the wall. they may even write us a check by the time they see what happens. obviously, they're not gonna write a check. it's gonna be paid for by canada, by the way. it's gonna be paid for-- maybe i'll get canada to pay. it's gonna be paid for by mexico. - wait. what? [laughter] you know, donald trump is truly a legend.
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instead of admitting that he misspoke, he'd rather try and make canada pay for the wall. he's just like, "yeah, canada's gonna pay-- "i mean--yeah, actually, canada's gonna pay. i might make them pay for the wall." and, shame, canada's so nice, they'd probably do it. they'd be like, "um, this is not really aboot us, but i guess we'll pay, eh?" [laughter] [spaghetti western music] ♪ - speaker of the house, nancy pelosi, has sent a letter to president trump asking to move the day of the state of the union address citing security concerns. - pelosi writes... - that's right, not only is the state of the union uncertain, the state of the state of the union is uncertain. and nancy pelosi, she's kind of right. it is tough to convince people that the state of the union is strong when you have to give the speech by candlelight because the government hasn't paid its bills. [laughter] trump's just gonna be sitting there like,
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[mimicking trump] "closer, mitch, closer. "close--not too close! i swear to god, if you burn my weave, bitch." [laughter] but i personally hope they can fix this soon because trump delivering the state of the union in writing would be a disaster, okay? i mean, this is the same guy who tweeted the word "hamberders" yesterday. [laughter] like, if trump writes his speech down, he's gonna end up declaring that the state of the union is schlong. it's not gonna be-- it's not gonna work out. and, plus, if he doesn't do the speech out loud, we'd all miss out on all the weird physical stuff that he does, you know? unless--unless--unless he writes that into the speech too. then it would work. if he was like... "...bring it home with the accordion, folks. bring it home." [accordion music] [cheers and applause] ♪
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- president trump moments ago cancelling house speaker nancy pelosi's overseas trip to brussels, egypt, and the warzone that is afghanistan hours before the speaker and her congressional delegation were set to leave, saying in part, "in light of the 800,000 great american workers not receiving pay, i am sure you would agree that postponing this public relations even is totally appropriate." he goes on to write... all: ooh. - you can feel trump said it like it's the worst thing he could think of. [mimicking trump] "if you wanna fly commercial, ah..." [laughter] that's hardcore, though, right? cancelling her flight right before she's about to take off. that's, like, the complete opposite of a romantic comedy. like, i imagine trump ran through the airport like... [mimicking trump] "nancy! nancy, wait! nancy, there's something i have to tell you," and pelosi was like, "yes, donald?" he's like, "nancy, get the [bleep] off the plane." [laughter] [spaghetti western music]
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- overnight, president trump blinking in his state of the union stare down with nancy pelosi. the president writing in a late night tweet... - oh, look at that. donald trump and nancy pelosi facing off, and trump blinked first, which, of course, we knew would happen because nancy pelosi does not blink. [laughter] [mocking accordion music] - [giggles] first tattoo? yeah relax, amigo, it's gonna look ok. only ok? no worries boss, i'm one of the tattoo artists in the city. you mean one of the best tattoo artists in the city? right? something like that... ya. uh, aren't you supposed to draw it first? stay in your lane, bro. just ok is not ok. especially when it comes to your network. at&t is america's best wireless network,
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according to america's biggest test. buy a new samsung galaxy s10 and get one free. (butcher) we both know you're not just looking for pork chops. you're searching for something more... ...red-blooded. right this way. you thirst for adrenaline, you hunger for raw power. well, you've come to the right place. the road is yours, dig in. there's a lot of stuff michael follows online. then he tried tostitos scoops and salsa... and he started following them in real life. no! ♪ and kept following... ♪ everywhere. ♪ wow, okay. boundaries, michael, boundaries. hey, mike.
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sup. oh! tostitos. get together already. somewhere you'll never find... sike! we put them everywhere. grocery stores and supermarkets, gas stations, and chiropractor's offices, bowling alleys, and grocery stores, which we already mentioned... not sorry, reese's.
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[hip-hop music] [mocking accordion music] ♪ - the shutdown is over. - 800,000 furloughed federal workers will go back to work today, and should be getting their back pay within days. - that fix only opens the government for three weeks, and it does not provide any new money for a border wall as president trump had demanded. - i am very proud to announce today that we have reached a deal to end the shutdown and reopen the federal government. - have you ever noticed how all of trump's accomplishments are just fixing things that he broke. [laughter] he's like...[mimicking trump] "folks, good news. i freed the immigrant kids from their cages." "wait. who put them in cages?" [mimicking trump] "also me. "i'm glad to announce north korea isn't gonna blow us up anymore." "wait. why were they gonna blow us up?" [mimicking trump] "'cause i called him a fat, little rocket man." [laughter] maybe it would have been all worth it for trump if he had gotten some of that sweet, sweet wall money.
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but he folded with nothing to show for it. and even some of his strongest supporters are admitting that trump got owned by nancy pelosi biggly. - "broken man," "biggest wimp," "trump just allowed nancy to walk all over him." - it's clear trump did not come out on top. i'm not gonna spin it for you. - she has just whipped the president of the united states. - lou-- in this count--no, no. and to deny it, is to try to escape from reality. - you heard what lou dobbs said. if you can't acknowledge that nancy pelosi whooped trump's ass, then you are not in touch with reality. and, honestly, i don't know why lou dobbs delivered this message on tv. he could have just posted a sign in the fox news break room. - he did not cave. he made a tactical decision, a strategy decision, to pick the ground to fight on. - [mimicking pirro] "to pick the ground to fight on." [laughter] "to pick the ground." you know, this--i'm sorry. this is unbelievable.
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no matter what trump does, he's always a mastermind who's accomplishing precisely what he wanted to do. like, if trump was boxing and he got knocked out cold, like, jeanine pirro would be like, "brilliant. "another strategic consciousness pause "by president trump. you can't get knocked down if you stay on the ground." [laughter] what is-- but, look, if you ignore the stands over at fox news, it's pretty clear the shutdown was a political disaster for president trump. it hurt the economy, it destroyed his approval ratings, and worst of all, he's not getting his wall. and remember, congress only has three weeks to reach an agreement on border security before the government runs out of money again. but the good news is-- the good news is, there probably won't be another shutdown. because after seeing how bad this shutdown went, like, only a true moron would think of shutting down the government again,
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and no one-- no one is that stupid, right? - we begin today with the president's acting chief of staff, mick mulvaney. is the president really prepared to shut down the government again in three weeks? - uh, yeah. i think he actually is. - my man. [mocking accordion music] - [giggles] [beeps, coughs] [cheers and applause] - les: ♪ i'm goin' down ♪ to south park ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks ♪ without temptation - les: ♪ goin' down ♪ to south park ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking ♪ day or night ♪ people spouting ♪ "howdy, neighbor" - les: ♪ headin' on up ♪ to south park ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind - kenny: [muffled singing] - les: ♪ come on down ♪ to south park

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