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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 12, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PDT

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- oh, man, i can't believe i sucked your jaggon. - oh god, we did suck each other's jaggons! you kids won't tell anybody about this, right? - no. - no, wait-- we won't tell anybody if you don't cancel our show. - ooh, i knew that was coming. - they've really got us by the nezmins. - the earth show can still be good. just erase everyone's memory so we don't know we're a show. - i'm sure you'll see that if you give our world time, it will become even more outrageous and violent. - there's even world war iii to look forward to. - and then we won't have to show anybody the picture kenny has of you guys sucking each other's jaggons. - all right, all right, earthlings. you win. the show can stay on. all: all right! - just be sure to keep up the wars and violence. well, we've got a 5:00 with the yerka producers. nice meeting you, earthlings...bye. - [yawns] - whoa, cartman. looks like you didn't get much sleep last night. - that's 'cause i was having these bogus nightmares all night long. - hey you guys, look. - what the hell is that? i don't know. - hello there, children. all: hey, chef. - chef, kenny has a picture of two green things
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sucking each other's shoulders. - what is it, chef? - i don't know, but something tells me this picture might be very important, children. you should hang on to it. - attention, universe. be sure to tune in next week for another exciting episode of earth. the asians are really stewed at the russians, the zebras try to get along with the buffalo, and americans and iraqis have an all-out brawl. it's outrageous fun, and it's all new. earth. on fognl. captioning by captionmax >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: oh, yes! welcome to "the daily show," everybody! we're back! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight is the dutch historian -- take a seat! too much fun! take a seat! our guest tonight is the dutch historian and author who went viral when tucker carlson told him to (~bleep ) off. rutger bregman is going us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, president trump has three new scandals, michael jackson gets canceled, and why joe biden would be a terrible r&b singer. so it's going to be a fun show. i've missed you all.
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i hope you're good. ( applause ) because i am not. this daylight savings thing is trash. i feel like i'm hung over and i didn't even drink. not only did we lose an hour, it was a good hour. 2:00 to 3:00 a.m. on the weekend. we're in the club having a good time and it closed out of nowhere. why don't they schedule daylight savings for 4:00 p.m. on a friday? yeah! daylight savings! that's my proposal. i'm running for president. enough about daylight savings. let's catch up on today's headlines. let's begin with the devastating news of the ethiopian airline crash. this is the second time in six months this type of airplane has gone down. >> take a look at countries that have grounded the boeing 737 max 8, indonesia, mongolia, ethiopia
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just had the crash, morocco and china. >> trevor: you know it's ser yours when china is stopping something for safety reasons. inflight meals were paint chips and they were, like, this is totally fine. you may be wondering whalgt is america doing about this? nothing. the faa came out saying they're not going to ground these planes. americans can decide for themselves whether or not they want fly on these planes that have now crashed twice. yes. i know what you're thinking. that's crazy! no, my friends, that's freedom. okay. america's wild. like the rest of the world is worried about this plane, but the cowboy of the planet is like, well, looks like we've got a bird that don't want to be flown! yee-haw! buckle up, bessie, it's gonna be a rough one! to be honest, i think sully screwed americans over. because every pilot is, like,
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what's the billing deal? i'll just land on the hudson! we're in idaho, sharp left! ( laughter ) paul manafort is in the headlines again. >> paul manafort is going to prison amid a barrage of criticism from people who say president trump's former campaign chairman got off seevmentz a judge sentenced manafort to 47 months yesterday for fraud and tax evasion not related to the trump campaign. that sentence is far less than the 25 years prosecutors wanted. >> paul manafort sitting in a wheelchair because of complications from gout said he feels pain and an shame, adding my life professionally and financially is in shambles. >> trevor: paul manafort basically stole millions from the bank and cheated the government out of millions in taxes and he's only going to serve 47 months, 46 with daylight savings. ( laughter ) i've got to admit, it was slick of him to suddenly show up in court in wheelchair for gout. you know how people get older
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and more pathetic when they go before a judge? bill cosby was doing his thing, then they arrest him and he's, like, i'm old and blind and i can't see! ( laughter ) showing up in court is the opposite of a dating profile. you want to look as old and sad as possible. so manafort is facing 20 years in prison and rolls in, like, i'm a broken old man. and the judge gives him just 47 months. we have conclusive footage of paul manafort immediately after hearing his sentence. ( laughter ) ( applause ) should have seen it coming. moving on, while paul manafort got a fake sentence for a real crime, someone else is looking at a real sentence for a fake crime. jussie smollett. a month and a half after the 'em "empire" actor reported a fake
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crime, police are throwing the book at him. >> a grand jury indicted jussie smollett on 16 felony counts including lying to police after he said he was a victim of a racist attack. >> each one of the 16 counts carries a maximum penalty of four years in prison. >> trevor: four years in prison? wow. look, i don't condone what jussie might have tone, but that's out of line. like, i mean, first of all, you each lie. it's all the same lie. yeah, he lied to all of the police. that's one lie. when i was a kid, if i stole something and i lied to my mom and i lied to my grandmother about it, i get one whooping. you can't get a separate whooping from each person, it's the same lie. and if they're going to start putting people in jail for lying to the police, they should lock us all up. you've done it, too. every single one of you here. every time a cop pulls you over and asks do you know how fast you're going?
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the limit minus one? you know how fast you were going! ( laughter ) the only good thing for jussie now is if he goes to jail, he will be the toughest guy in prison. when people ask him what he's in for, he's, like, i got four years for beating myself up! goddam! >> trevor: ( laughter ) finally in entertainment news michael jackson, an h.b.o. documentary accusing hem of child molestation has everybody shook and some have had enough. >> a new online demanding cirque du soleil cancel the michael jackson show, leaving neverland. nearly 7,000 people signed the petition the latest backlash following the release of the new documentary. some radio stations are pulling michael jackson's music and the simpsons removed an episode in which he voice add character. >> trevor: between m.j. and r. kelly this is a tough week for
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wedding deejays. what do they play? ( applause ) no, no, no, no -- ( laughter ) i bet they're probably calling up bruno mars, like, you better behave, bruno! right now all i can play you and the black yippe -- black-eyed p. even if this documentary changes your opinion of him, there's nothing you can do about it. you can't get more canceled than dead. it would be funny if michael was in heaven and god called him over and said, i saw the h.b.o. doc and i'm not comfortable having you here now. this is 2019, it's not a good luck. you need to go to hell. but, god, you impregnated the virgin mary without her permission. bye-bye. bye-bye. ( applause ) so look i won't lie i'm a huge fan of michael jackson, it's a
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painful story. you have to stop listening to the music. now you have to picture him in hell which is sad and hilarious at the same time. i'm picturing him in hell and he's the perfect person to be in hell -- (imitating michael jackson) 622 days away from the 2020 election, time to check in on the democratic primary race in the ongoing segment world war d. the democrats are still over a year away from picking who they will send into the ring. we don't know who it will b but we at least know where it will be. >> here it is, democrats have picked officially milwaukee where for the site of their 2020 presidential nominating center. d.n.c. chair selecting the city
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over houston and miami. >> trevor: democrats picked wisconsin to host their 2020 convention. they couldn't have gone to houston or miami in the summer because bernie does not do well in humidity. ( laughter ) now, the speculation is that the democrats picked wisconsin to make up for the fact that, in 2016, hillary clinton never campaigned there. she totally took it for granted. she basically treated wisconsin the same way i treated my english exams in high school. i speak english, i don't need to study it! then i got in there, semicolon, when a comma has sex with a period? anyway, now that the convention city has been picked, the question is who will be accepting the nomination there? seems like every day more candidates are joining the race. latest to jump in jay inslee who made climate change the center of his campaign. he's going to have an uphill
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battle because half the country doesn't believe climate change exists, the other half doesn't believe jay inslee exists. even his wife is, like, i've never heard of this guy. also joining the race is john hickenlooper, former governor of colorado with a name that sounds like a disease you got on the oregon trail. either that or the name of a local restaurant where all the waiters have all the vests with buttons on them. welcome to hickenloopers, special is the hickenlooper chalupa, sounds like dirt but fun to order. ( laughter ) that brings the democratic field up to 14 potential candidates. look at all the faces! there are too many candidates, people! the democrats are like the marvel universe. it keeps getting bigger and bigger! you need them to snap knees guys
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away, hickenlooper, go, go! always buzz isn't about the democrats who have entered the race. all the news is about the big name signature on the sidelines. like beto o'rourke, who is quickly becoming a texas sized tease. >> beto o'rourke says he has made a decision after months of deliberation about his political future. >> there's some speculating on whether a big announcement is in his near future. >> i'm going to be making an aniewment soon, the same announcement to everyone at the same time. >> it's been ten days sinceo rourke plans to announce a decision about his political future. >> trevor: serious? first beto says he's thinking about aannouncing and he announced he will make an announcement about his running. if this is how he runs his campaign, how is he going to be like president. any fellow americans, i've decided which country we declare war on and i'll tell you -- right after this. you don't need to build up suspense. we know you are going to run for
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president. this is like grute building up to a big announcement. we know! there's another big named democrat giving america red white and blue balls. >> joe biden said he made decide possibly as early as this week whether he officially will be in the race. the advisors preparing for an april launch if they tbed the green light. >> i haven't decide but don't be surprised. >> former vice president joe biden leads the pack even though he's technically not a part of it yet. >> trevor: joe biden is win ago race he's not even in. such a boost for his ego and supering insulting for other people who are running. yeah because people nobody cares about like poor john hickenlooper, because this must feel like the middle school
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dance, all the girls are waiting phon joe who said he may come to the dance. i can't wait to see joe. he's my favorite. john is there. oh, hickenlooper, can you text him to see if he's coming? a guy who ran for president twice and bombed is now leading the race. probably because he's been standing next to obama for eight years and now he has that good president smell. it's that good b.o., that's what that is. ( laughter ) in fact i bet joe biden could win an election based on this idea. holding up his phone saying vote for me because i have obama's number on this phone! i can call him right now! ( applause ) but we don't know if he'll run. so with 602 days till the presidential election, joe biden and beto o'rourke are taking their sweet time deciding. i wouldn't mind so much if they were being quiet about it
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because right now you're being a tease. america these are the things that i would do for you -- if i were running. if i were running. can you imagine if r&b singers were as noncommittal as beto and biden? we did it for you, you don't have to imagine. >> presenting from beto and biden productions, the sounds of maifnlt this album has all your favorite r&b songs, including 50% chance of love, let's consider getting it on, and the hit i right love you all night long. >> i migh♪ i might love you allt long but i'm still weighing my options baby ♪ order the c.d. today. just a heads up in we may not make it. >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (atlas) inferior phone detected.
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applebee's 3 course meal now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." so, as you know, we didn't have shows last week, which in the era of donald trump is always risky, because the news moved so fast. attend of five days off, we could have been back and been like we're back, president trump and vice president fave are back from mexico.
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we want to catch up with fun trump highlights. >> last weapons in a moment during an advisor board meeting in the white house caught on camera, president trump called tim cook tim apple. >> i used to say tim you've got to start doing it over here and you really have, you really put a big opinion investment in our country, we appreciate it very much tim apple. ( laughter ) >> trevor: tim apple. you know what i like about this one? it's just dumb. yeah. it's just a fun dumb mistake trump made or maybe this is how he says names. he calls you by what you do and your first name. tim apple, jeff amazon, jussie unemployed. ( laughter ) this should have been a fun slip of the tongue. we laugh, we move on, but because of donald compulsive liar can't let anything go, this morning he tweeted this, i referred to tim and apple as tim
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apple as an easy way to save time and words. ( laughter ) really, donald? really? that's what you were doing? well, allow me to save time and words -- get the (~bleep ) out of here! you're gaffing time -- you're saving time by omit ago word and tweeting about it? no one wastes more time than donald trump. he spends as much time on the golf course as tiger woods and as much time on porn stars as tiger woods. so trump wants us to believe tim apple is fake news, but there's actually fake news plaguing the president right now. it's about melania. >> the fake melania conspiracy is back after the first lady's visit to alabama and georgia this week. the theory that melania trump had a body double for public appearances began in 2017,
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denied by fact checkers. twitter users are comparing this to orthoimages, saying it's not the same woman. some commenting lighting and makeup are likely causes for the mistaken identity. >> trevor: how is this on the news? ( laughter ) how is this even a thing? of course, melania looks a little different on some days, all right? she's a person. every person looks different day to day. this was me, like, two months ago, okay? ( laughter ) this was me three years ago. all right? this was me yesterday, when i found out j. lo is engaged, okay? ( applause ) i look different -- i look different because, clearly, i'm so happy for her -- and, like, the 20th best yankee. ( applause ) i'm very happy. ( laughter )
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i'll be fine. i'll be fine. i just -- i wanted a. rod for myself. so, please, guys, goetz stop with the fake melania business because it's not true. although i will say if you zoom in on that picture, there is something a little suspicious, and that is that they're holding hands. so on second thought, maybe fake melania. but conspiracy theories aside, there's another story trump wishes was fake news. remember a few weeks ago when robert kraft, patriots owner got caught up in a florida prostitution sting? turns out kraft's happy ending may lead to a sad one for donald trump. >> a any twist to the prostitution scandal involving robert kraft. the woman who owns the parlor appears in a picture with trump, lee i can't think at a super bowl hosted by the president in
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his mar-a-lago beach. kraft and the president are long time friends and have social sized together before. >> trevor: she's there with trump. that's dangerous for both of them. especial for her because you never know when trump will pull another tim apple. might be like this is my friend cindy hand job spa. ( applause ) and it's not just that she's taking photos with the president, it's that she might be pimping him out, too. >> her name is lee i can't -- ls by cindy, spotted with the who's who g.o.p. including the president's sons at mar-a-lago. >> lee yang runs a business offering to sell chinese clients access to mar-a-lago, suggests it can set up a white house and capitol hill dinner. >> trevor: how does every
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scandal somehow lead back to donald trump? this dude is like the kevin bacon of corruption. i'm serious, like you could probably link donald trump to kevin bacon just through scandals. you go, kevin bacon had money stolen in a ponzi scheme by bernie madoff. madoff also stole money from governor eliot spitzer, and spitzer was busted in a prostitution ring after a tipoff from roger stone, who was just indicted by mueller in the investigation of donald trump! boom! four moves, baby! four moves! everywhere you go. and basically that's our world now. a rich guy can't get jerked off without it somehow leading to a possibly trump campaign violation. so even though president trump never went to that massage parlor, somehow they still (~bleep ) him. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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for a deliciously smooth finish. there's a new bud in town. budweiser reserve copper lager. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an historian who writes for "the correspondent" and an author whose latest book is "utopia for realists." please welcome rutger bregman. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> it's great to be here. >> trevor: a few months ago, for many people, your name did not exist in their minds at aller in any way and, now, you are a superstar, especially for many young people because of your views in and around tax and the super wealthy around the world. we actually have a clip that went viral, if we can play that right now. >> almost no one raises the real issue of tax avoidance, right, and of the rich just not paying
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their fair share. it feels like i'm at a firefighter's conference and no one is allowed to speak about water. this is not rocket science. we can talk for a very long time about all these stupid philanthropy screams. we can invite bono once more. come on, we have to talk ability taxes. that's it, taxes, taxes, taxes. all the rest is bullshit, in my opinion. >> trevor: to give theme context, this is you sitting with the richest people in the world yeah. >> trevor: and you surprised everyone with that. they were not happy. >> they didn't really like that, no. i mean, i was supposed to go promote my book, universal income has become a popular idea, but during the conference i became more and more uncomfortable, because you can talk about all sorts of issues -- feminism, participation, equality, but no one raises the t word. people don't really talk about taxes. >> trevor: yes. >> so i just went to my hotel room and prepared this short speech and i got the question from the moderator and basically
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ignored his question and went ahead. >> trevor: the 15-hour work week is probably my favorite part of your book. ( laughter ) how does that even begin to work? >> it goes back to a very old idea, actually, of the economist john maynard keynes. he wrote an essay in 1930 with two predictions. the first is we're going to be a lot richer in the future if we don't start a new war or have crisis, then we'll use that wealth to work a little bit less each year. then he extrapolated we'll have a 15-hour work week in 2030. it's only throughout 1980 we have been working more and more and keep inventing jobs that don't need to exist. most of these jobs are people who have wonderful resumes, went to great universities, and have
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wonderful job titles, but at the end of the day they're, like, i could go on strike and no one would notice. so in the book, i've got this story of two strikes that happened in the '60s. the first strike is of garbage collectors, new york 1968, lost for six days. state of emergency had to be declared, turns out we can't do without garbage collectors. >> trevor: right. >> so at that point i wondered, has it ever happened, you know, in history, that the bankers went on strike? i found only one example and this was in ireland in 1970, the bankers were angry their wages were not keeping up with influence. so you know what, we'll go on strike and you will see just how important we are. all the experts is, like, this is going to be a disaster, a heart attack for the economy. then from one day to the other day, 85% of the money supply was not accessible anymore. then nothing much happened, actually. i think this is another example where history makes you
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re-think, who are the real wealth creators in this country. does wealth likely -- is it really created at the top and does it trickle down? or maybe it's the other way around, and are the teachers and the garbage collectors and the nurses, are they the real wealth creators? >> trevor: wow, thank you for being on the show, man. ( cheers and applause ) really great having you on. "utopia for realists," a really fascinating read. available now. rutger bregman, everybody. we'll be right back. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ this is game fuel. 16 oz of pure annihilation. taste like berry-flavored win sauce new mountain dew amp game fuel. victory in a can.
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tylenol®. for fast pain relief. applebee's $2 absolut it's refreshing. there's vodka in there. ooo. it taste like spring at applebee's. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight, thank you so much for tuning in! we're back. see you again tomorrow. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> parker! ( laughter ) ( barking ) >> yeah, i don't know. >> he's not paying attention to you right now. ( cheers and applause ) ♪


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