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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 12, 2019 11:00pm-11:36pm PDT

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izing about what else my life could be, i'm gonna appreciate what i have here and stop complaining about the little things. a job's a job, and i'm lucky to have one. from now on, you're never gonna hear me say... [ slurps ] ohh, god, this coffee sucks. ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: how are you doing? how you doing? ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! i'm trevor noah! good to have you out here! ( cheers and applause )
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yeah! yeah! take a seat, let's do it! our guest tonight is an author and an activist from the hit show "top chef," padma lakshmi is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) it's going to be so much fun! also on tonight's show, mitt romney is an alien, an election in north korea, and the women behind the worst men in history. first, a lot of news needs you attention today so i hope you all snorted your adderall, because i will be honest people, today, there's too much news. luckily too much news is just enough news for a segment we call "ain't nobody got time for that." ( cheers and applause ) all right, let's get straight into it with the biggest story to rock american colleges since the invention of the red solo cup. it's the college admissions bribery scandal, or as i call it bribegate scandalgate. >> breaking news a major college scandal, the feds bust up a large scale scheme helping
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students cheat on their college entrance exams to get into top schools. >> prosecutors say parents paying a college admissions consultant $25 million between 2011 and 2018 to guarantee admission to elite universities. among those charged are exam administrators, exam proctors, college administrators, coaches at elite schools and 33 parents who paid large amounts in this scheme. two of the parents accused are actress felicity huffman and lorie laughlin, both charged with felonies conspiracy to commit mall fraud. >> trevor: insane! the f.b.i. just busted rich parents to bribe colleges to accept their kids, and some celebrities! so disappointed in you aunt becky! i expected this from a desperate housewife, but you? ( laughter ) details of the scandal are still coming in, but already some of
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the allegations are mind blowing. necessarility huffman allegedly paid $15,000 to help her daughter get into top schools and aunt becky, get this, allegedly paid $500,000 to get her daughter into u.s.c. my only question is, when does the bribing stop? if you bribe to get good test grades, then surely you have to bribe the administrators, but at some point people are going to figure out your kid is stupid. ( laughter ) yeah, they will be in class, like, well, according to president franklin, five is the square root of 81! be, like, franklin wasn't a president. well, that's not what president franklin told me! ( laughter ) and, like, the story is so infuriating because rich kids should have to get into college the old fashioned way, all right, by their parents donate ago library. ( laughter ) so this is a huge story right now, and not just because to have the possible crimes committed, but also because of everything it says about how privileged people get ahead in
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the country that's supposed to be about merit and hard work. i wish we had time to talk about this but we don't. another spoiled brat is in a place he's not supposed to be and the top democrat in charge says she's not planning to kick him out. >> house speaker nancy pelosi delivering a democratic reality check explaining why she opposes impeaching president trump. >> it divides the country. unless there is some conclusive evidence that takes us to that place. >> the nation's top democrat telling "the washington post" magazine i'm not for impeachment. this is news, explaining unless there's something to compelling and orwhelming and bipartisan, i don't think we should go down that path because it divides the country and he's just not worth it. >> trevor: wow, he's just not worth it? even nancy pelosi has gone soft or this is brilliant reverse psychology. trump will hear that and be, like, how dare you! i'm totally worth impeaching! no you're not, donald.
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oh, yeah! check on my tax returns! and here's my pee pee tape, lock me up! lock me up! ( cheers and applause ) she's totally going to fall for it! and now, look, if we had more time, we we would get into how democrats are divided on when or if to impeach president trump, and we could also get into whether nancy pelosi is really against impeachment or if this is part of a plan so when she eventually calls to impeachment doesn't look like she's rushed to judgment. but we have to move from the house to the senate because today-wise a very important day. today senator mitt romney is 72 earth years old and so celebrate his aides got him a cake made out of twinkies. believe it or not, that's not the weird part. ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ happy birthday dr. senator romney ♪
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>> look at this. ( laughter ) >> trevor: when the laughter died down in that clip, that's when everyone realized they were standing next to a serial killer. they were, like, ha, ha, ha, it's the -- twin -- ha, ha, ha -- because blowing out candles one by one i think we can all agree is extremely weird. he did it with such rich white man confidence i started wondering if i had been doing it wrong my entire life. here you go. that's how we do it. that's how we're supposed to be doing it? ( laughter ) the cake is really cool and i do get why mitt romney likes
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twinkies. they're exactly like him, white on the outside but somehow even whiter on the inside. look, i'm not going to lie, i would love to spend the entire show talking about twinkies and at the end bring out a giant twinkie cake, but we don't have time or john oliver's money, so we have to move on to the major story that's got the n.b.a. shook. involves a basketball player threatening to beat up a fan and his wife. >> now to an ugly confrontation last night in the n.b.a., happened during a game between the utah jazz and the oklahoma city thunder in salt lake city when thunder guard russell westbrook got in a shouting match with utah fans. ( shouting, cursing ) >> westbrook said after the game the fan was considering make -- fan was making comments he considered racist. the fan said he was engaging in a playful back and forth and didn't say anything offensive. >> he's got to be a professional. she was sitting down the entire
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time. we were actually kind of having fun, to be honest. >> trevor: first of all russell westbrook, you can't threat ton beat up a woman. this is the n.b.a., not the n.f.l. secondly to that fan, you can't be talking trash to a 7'tall human being and be surprised when he reacts. you know what i honestly think happened here? this fan forgot that he wasn't home watching the game on tv. that's what happened. no because when you watch sports open tv you yell at the screen all the time. but then when you're there live, the people can hear you! ( laughter ) i remember the first time i went to an n.b.a. game, the ref made a bad call and i was, like, open your eyes, ref! and he turned around and said, what did you say? i was, like, uh, nothing! just enjoy your whistle, mitt m! ( laughter ) if we had more time, we could do a whole show discussing whether fans had the right to say what they want to players and whether
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players would be expected to brush it off because it's their job and have a lot of money, but we don't have time about that because of a story about a giant. >> amando blazeio is taking heat for sort of flapping his arms to r. kelly's song i believe i can fly while sitting in a church in south carolina over the weekend. ♪ i believe i can fly >> the mayor said he didn't know it was an r. kelly song. >> i didn't know it was him. the minister played the song and spoke about it and i was being respectful. >> trevor: really mayor deblasio? you didn't know "i can fly" is an r. kelly song? everyone knows that song is by r. kelly. if you shazam "i believe i can fly" it says you know who sang this, come on now. clearly, deblasio was in a black church. they started singing i believe i can fly and he felt he had to
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join there. to be honest, what do you expect him to do? start chastising the black people in the church? stop that, pedophiles! you're all pedophiles! seriously you're going into a black church and tell them to turn down their music? you will see jesus before any of them. the pastor will be, like, what did you say? i will (~bleep ) you and your wife up right now in the name of jesus. he had to do it. ( applause ) if this was a slow news day, we could have more fun trying to figure out why the mayor of new yornew york city is in a south carolina church to begin with. could it be it's a key presidential primary state? does someone believe he can run? oooh oooh? we don't have time to figure that out because there's another election bill deblasio has a chance of winning just as much as he has a chance of winning this one and believe it or not it's happening in north korea.
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north korea does have elections. before you ask, no, they don't mean anything. >> north korea is counting the ballots from its latest parliamenty elections but the suspense isn't exactly palpable. >> every five years all north koreans age 17 and over are expected to elect the 687 members of its supreme people's assembly. each voter is given a ballot paper with a single name on it which they place in a ballot box out in h the open, no markings, no dissent, no choice in candidates. >> trevor: man, it's like it's funny but it's sad. what life in north korea is like. imagine going to an election where you have no choice. just give you the name pre-written. that must suck. the only positive, it's a lot stressful than normal elections. because you never have to worry you voted for the wrong bern. you also don't have to research anyone's policy positions, no arguing with friends and family about why you voted the way you
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did. thanksgiving must be amazing in north korea, except for the lack of food, but assayed from that super peaceful. because real democracy is like netflix, sometimes it's overwhelming. every night i scroll through the shows for four hours, give up and go to bed. north korean democracy is what tv used to be like. there's one channel and it's playing alf. that's what you're watching. although the elections have nothing to do with democracy, they serve an important purpose. >> so why even bother having an election? the vote serves as a census and a gauge for sniffing out defectors. private voting booths are available but using them would raise immediate suspicion. >> i think anybody who crossed out a candidate's name or made other alteration to the ballot paper would be asking for at best to be questioned. one would imagine that they would be charged with a crime associated with subverting the political process in the country. >> trevor: that's right. this whole elaborate election is
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basically a sting operation to expose dissenters. that's all it is. they give you private booths, but if you use it, you're in trouble. it's, like, to catch a predator democracy edition. as soon as you enter the private booth, chris hansen is standing there, like, well, well, well, who are you planning on voting for today, hmm? and, you know, as much as i am appalled by this oppressive regime, a part of me is also impressed about how committed they are to this election charade. >> the results will take a few days to process although officials are hoping to improve on 2018's voter turn out of 99.97%. >> trevor: 99.97%. i'm surprised it's not 100. that goes to show you how much some people hate voting even in north korea. etch in north korea some guy is still, like, voting is too much a hassle. somebody is, like, if you don't
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vote they'll throw you in a prison camp. he's, like, is the prison camp closer to the voting booth? because then i'll take the camp. also why does it take a few days to process the results? there's one person running in each race. no surprises. they're not going to be going through the votes, like, beto o'rourke? oh, wow! so we're going to have to wait to find out if kim jong un's party won the election. oh, wait, hold on. oh. um, i'm being told the results have just come in -- unfortunately, we just don't have to time to tell you who won. so you will have to guess for yourself. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (atlas) inferior phone detected. (woman) what is happening?!?! (atlas) you need a new phone. at sprint, the new samsung galaxy s10 series has arrived.
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my doctor says i havey, what's skittles pox. are they contagious? i don't think so. contract the rainbow! taste the rainbow! that we're playing "four on four" with a barbershop quartet? [quartet singing] bum bum bum bum... pass the ball... pass the rock.. ...we're open just pass the ball! no, i can't believe how easy it was to save hundreds of dollars on my car insurance with geico. yea. [quartet singing] shoot the j! shoot, shoot, shoot the jaaaaaay... believe it! geico could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." as you know and as you should know, march is women's history month. ( cheers and applause ) that's right. the month when all historic female heros drink for free. for more on this, we're joined by our senior gender issues correspondent desi lydic, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) desi, what does women's history month mean to you? >> well, trevor, during this month, i like to celebrate the stories of impressive women that have been overlooked. it's not history, it's hist-her-y. took me forever to come up with that. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i've honestly learned so much this month about women who have done great things in history. >> yeah, but, see, everyone pays attention to the women who did
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great things. but no one speaks about the women who did bad things. everyone's heard of benedict arnold, the general who betrayed america during the revolution, the greatest treason in our history up till trystan thompson. but you probably haven't heard of benedict's wife, peggy arnold, she's the one who encouraged him to turn on america and plan his treason with british officials. the cup that betrays together stays together. there's nothing hotter than treason sex, trust me. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i don't even know what that means. but that is really fascinating, desi. i had no idea about the role she played. >> of course you didn't. you're a man. i didn't know it either. i saw it on a snapple cap at lunch today. >> trevor: a weird snapple cap. >> yeah. we all know who alcarped the great was, the ruthless king, blood thirsty conquer, sideburns aficionado, but he only got to do that because of a woman, his
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mom queen olympiccous. she wanted her son to be king so bad she had her husband and other wife assassinated. she schemed so her child could have a better life like a macedonian aunt becky. you know, actually, olympiccous inspired me to break my son's school and inspire other kinds science projects. sorry somebody trashed your volcano, timmy, but i, too, am raising a king. >> trevor: you can't break into a school and vandalize children's home work. >> wow, trevor, you're going to tell a woman what she can and can't do witness her body? ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: no, what you did was a crime. >> you know what else used to be a crime, women voting, right ladies? ( cheers and applause ) yeah. but you know what? i'm glad you brought up crime because women can do that, too! people always talk about machine gun kelly. one of the most notorious
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gangsters during prohibition, but no one ever heard of his wife katherine kelly. she helped him scheme and plan his kidnappings and gave him the gun he was named after. after her, everyone called him finger guns kelly. >> trevor: you're opening my eyes. even when it comes to bad things, we tend to erase the contributions of women from history. >> still happening today. look at facebook. fake news scandals, helping russia spread propaganda. they even sold all our dick picks to stephen bannon. every time something goes wrong they blame mark cork burg but cheryl sanders deserves as much credit. i'm so sick of people refusing to say something bad about women on the internet. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you ad you admire the bad women. >> i admire all women, but one
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above all, my number one evil heroin -- i guess heroin is the number one evil heroine but this lady comes close. when you think of pirates, you think of black beard or captain kid or whoever's the captai now, but the most successful pirate of all time was a woman. in 1800s, she had 80,000 sailors, 1500 ships and took more pirate fortune than johnny depp's raw years. when the chinese navy finally caught her, she talked her way out of jail, got amnesty and opened a casino. boom! went from a criminal tyrant to a legal casino owner. a move historians call the reverse donald trump. ( applause ) so remember, everyone, women's history month isn't just about breaking the class ceiling, it's
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also about throwing someone through it and getting away with it. >> trevor: desi lydic, everyone! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) sweat. dedication. cupcakes. we played football together for the titans. now, we own a cupcake shop. i love this new surface pro. it's light, it's sleek, it's fast. cupcakes are a great business. as long as you don't eat the profits! there's a family can i help you?. [ whimpering ] [ gasping ] [ eerie music ] what do you want? [ laughing ] run. [ screaming ] they won't stop... until they kill us. jordan peele's...
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a "new york times" best-selling author, activist and executive producer and host of bravo's "top chef" now in it's 16th season. >> i love the buttermilk soup. i was there with kelsey. she took me to a sense memory bit i've never had but could taste in her dish. >> yeah. she really did stay true to her vision. >> i think the work is dated. maybe could use more peanuts. >> my one drawback to the dish is it just tasted like buttermilk. i wanted more flavor. >> we've got this. >> all three chefs gave us really great dishes. i think two are better than the third. >> yeah.
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>> i think we have our answer. >> trevor: please welcome padma lakshmi. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor:. >> hi. >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> thank you. you have such a nice audience. >> trevor: they're wonderful. we have a line of south africans. that's how it happens. >> lots of good indian food in south africa. >> trevor: yeah, we actually have tons of indian food in south africa. we have the highest population of indians outside of india. >> really? gandhi started in south africa. >> trevor: that's true. so a lot of people -- >> so thank you. >> trevor: yeah, so that's -- my pleasure. ( laughter ) i made them all. ( laughter ) welcome back to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: congratulations season 16 of "top chef," and this is going to be the season finale. i have to ask, when you spend every single working day eating some of the best culinary
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delights, is your off time junk food? >> it's not junk food but it's really simple food. like i just want toast or i want chicken soup, lentils and rice is very boring but it's my comfort food. i just like sometimes a toast with peanut butter. i'm in that weird kick now that i have to stop eating it because pomegranate season is over. >> trevor: your food has taken you around the world. the food you love comes from around the world. you talk about how food can connect us as human beings and now you've taken on a new role as an aclu ambassador which is really amazing. you're focusing on immigration and women's reproductive rights. these are really powerful issues close to your heart, and you travel speaking about that and now you're going to be taking on that role. what is your goal? what do you hope to achieve in this role? >> i have been working with the aclu in this capacity for three years, but now also starting to
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work with the u.n. so the goodwill ambassadorship is direct outcome of working with the aclu and speaking out about immigration. it's an issue that's very close to my heart. >> trevor: right. >> i'm an immigrant. i really came here with my mother, much like these people at the border. >> trevor: yes. >> what you have to understand is that, if a parent takes a child on a dangerous journey, puts them on their back, is willing to walk across deserts, that's because the place they're leaving is worse and more dangerous, and i just think we have plenty to share. and if you look at all the contributions immigrants have made, you're basically looking at what america is today, in whole, full stop. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: the -- >> there's no crisis. there's no crisis. the only crisis is that we have a lunatic with a lot of power. that is the only crisis. ( cheers and applause )
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( laughter ) >> trevor: he also eats his steak well done, just so you know. >> i'm not surprised. >> trevor: not that you needed another reason to call him a lunatic, but yes. >> probably with ketchup as well. >> trevor: oh, yes he does. >> really? >> trevor: oh, yes. you didn't know that? >> i'm trying not to pay attention to him so much. >> trevor: he eats steak well done with keec ketchup. that's a real thing the president does. before i let you go, let's talk about other causes that are close to your heart. one of the genuinely -- it was a provocative, heartbreaking and brave moments i witnessed was when you came out and was likely tied to the #metoo movement in and around the brett kavanaugh confirmation hearings, you wrote an op-ed in the "new york times" talking about your #metoo story, your story of being ashamed to come out and your having to face, you know, what many women face in the world. why do you think it's so important to share those stories
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now and what do you think we could be doing better to enable other women to tell those stories to try and eradicate the scourge of what the #metoo moment is fighting against? >> i think we have to support our victims, you know, whether the perpetrator winds up being guilty or not. it doesn't matter. you know, i don't know any person, any woman who would come forward and say, you know, this happened to me, if it wasn't true, because the trauma that you go through after you report is quite substantial, and i had nothing to gain, and even more pain, you know, to experience if i had spoken up at 16. >> trevor: right. >> but now i'm in a different moment in my life. i'm at peace. i'm serene. i'm strong. i'm not a child. and the world is different. and, so, i have to act accordingly. i hope that me speaking about it, even though the outcome of that hearing was, as we know, i hope that other young women be
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will be able to come out. i hope we'll be able to take the shame out of it, and, you know, i wanted to speak about it because i think there are millions of women like me who never reported, and it's not because it wasn't so bad. it's because it was so bad. ( cheers and applause ) that's why. >> trevor: thank you so much for being on the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: wonderful having you. the season finale of "top chef" airs march 14th at 9:30 p.m. on bravo. padma lakshmi, everybody. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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two mermaids made a great tasting spiked seltzer. with 0 grams of sugar. and now, they're making it for you.
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we're more than just medium 1-topping pizzas for $5 each. we're $5 bone-out wings $5 garlic knots $5 desserts we're all this, just $5 each. call, click, carry-out or delivery the $5 line up. because no one out pizzas the hut.
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thanks for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> look at that! holy cow! that's fantastic! how! what are you guys going to have? ( laughter ) >> are you kidding? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪

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