tv The Daily Show Comedy Central March 14, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PDT
(both yelling) archer: woooohoohoooo!! bocadas de mierda! and did you see that, pam?! also perfect. who wins, huh? archer wins. yeah. this is a win for you? not just for me, pam. for america. and those hapless spanish communists. well? so now what? so now, since we've only got one flare, i'm gonna shoot their leader with it, and then, when the rest of them go into a feeding frenzy, you and me are gonna make a run for it. -what?! -(laughs) i'm kidding, -you big dumb idiot. -(shoots flare) (pam sighs heavily) -you know... -(archer laughs) >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with
trevor noah. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome to the "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. thank you for coming out. thank you so much for coming out. yeah! yeah! let's get into it, let's get into it let's do t let's do it, let's do it. our guest tonight, you know him and you love him from "year eye" on netflix, karamo brown is joining us, everybody. also on tonight's show trump is bringing down airplanes, how dumb kids get into college, and why your air pods are trying to kill. but first let's catch up on today's headlines. first up, some exciting news for people without do not like dieing in a plane crash. >> breaking news, president
trurp says-- trump says the united states will issue an emergency order grounding all boeing 737 max 8's after reviewing evidence from the ethiopian airlines crash, the u.s. is essentially the very last country to ban the aircrafts from flying. here's the president. >> any plane currently in the air will go to its destination and thereafter be grunded until further notice. so planes that are in the air will be grounded, if they are the 737 max, will be grounded upon landing at the destination. >> trevor: okay, now first of all, congratulations to president trump for issuing an emergency order for something that might actually be an emergency. yeah. that's right, give it up. (applause) and also can we appreciate how cute he is when he is trying to explain something to us that someone had to explain to him five minutes ago. he's like all the airplanes will be grounded, but not the ones flying, they can land first,
then they will be grounded. some people didn't understand how you can ground a plane in the sky, but i'm not those people, i knew always. those will be ground. so as of today any plane that might be unsafe to fly will be grounded until it can be repainted with spirit airlines on the side. (laughter) spirit airlines, how are we not grounded! in other news, everyone who complained that paul manafort's sen tensz last we can was too light, well, good news, your prayers have been answered. >> this is cnn breaking news. >> a week after receiving a surprisingly light 47 month sentence in another court room, manafort was given a much stiffer sentence closer to the maximum. the judge adding another 43 months on top of those 47 that he is already going to serve. >> trevor: wow. 43 months plus 47 months from the other trial. that's 90 months, yeah, so in
areas, divided by 12, well, i think we all can say the answer in our head, we don't need to say it outloud. the point is manafort will actually be serving a lot of time in prison. although it will still feel shorter than the pfeiffer months he worked for donald trump, as if this was not bad enough, minutes after his second sentence was handed down the manhattan district attorney hits him with 16 new charges, yeah. this time involving mortgage fraud. i know, it's crazy. more crimes, so soon after the last one. paul manafort is the madea movies of crime. like here's another one an another one and another one. and finally moving on to some technology news, if you wear apple airpods you may be at risk of something even worse than looking totally cool. >> officials worn those popular airpods that so meafn us have could be harmful for your brain. 250 scien tirves-- scientists from 40 countries signed a petition to warn against radio wave radiation from wireless
technologies. experts warn the close proximity of wireless headphones like air 30ds especially the fact that one has to communicate through the other right through your brain, well, that could cause some serious health risk. radiation they admit has been linked to cancer in some cases. >> trevor: air pods, air pods might give you brain cancer. still better than having to untangle wires. i mean, i'm sorry, people, i'm not going back, all rightk i'm not going back to wires. do you remember how tangled your-- would get just put it in your poact, when you come out t is a like a ball tied for life. every couple of weeks i had to take mier air pods to an old sail tore get them straightened out, he smoked look a chime and sold me really bad molly. air bods are bed better i think, there are always these stories in the news and half the time they are not as bad as the news make them sound. next week they may say air pods are good for you. in comic books radiation turns
you into a superhero so how do you know my air pods won't turn me into the apple genius. yeah. like i'm in the justice league also but my power is just that i know the entire iq and temples and conditions, fighting the jocker and i'm like batman, price force volume content offered via the server may change at any time. also look out for that guy who killed you while i was talking. superman, batman is dead because i speaked fore too long. also apple's delivery content does fro transfer any promotional right us to. wonder woman you're next. you know what is funny, is that even as the apple genius, i still wouldn't be the worst dc superhero out there. yeah. all right, let's move on to today's top story. (applause) american universities all around the world, they're known as some of the most prestigious institutions of learning. and so to get into them you have to work hard. you have to volunteer. you have to play sports, you have to get superhigh-grades, or you can just have shady rich
parents. >> federal prosecutors today revealed what they say is the largest case of college admissions fraud in u.s. history. charging coaches and affluent parents including hollywood elite in a massive bribery scheme to fast track kids into some of the country's top universities including yale and stanford. >> all told, the 33 people named in the indictment paid an alleged $25 million in bribes. >> those kids' parents now facing jail time include real estate moguls, wine vineyard owner, entrepreneurs like trend expert jane buckingham who posted this inspiring instagram message last spring. don't cheat, it reads. >> trevor: yeah, yeah, don't cheat. because i'm cheating. and if we all start cheating then it's fair game. so what even is the point. but this story is a bombshell. all right. dozens of rich parents including hollywood actors accused of straightup bribing their kids
way into college. i mean some of these parents allegedly paid up to 6.5 million dollars, which is insane. honestly, for that amount of money, just buy a smarter kid. now the alleged master mind of this entire scheme is a man named william singer, right. parents paid him millions of dollars and then he spread those bribes around. >> according to prosecutors, the scheme involved two kinds of fraud. parents paying a college prep organization to help their children cheat on sat or act exams, and others paying to allegedly bribe college coaches to help admit the students at athletes regardless of their athletic skill. >> singer went as far as to photo shop kid's pictures into sporting event, even made up athletic achievements. >> in one instance a parent sending this photo showing their daughter playing water polo in high school but in fact the not he owe was another student.
>> the balls on these people. to just little rally photo shop their kids faces on to the bodies of real athletes. and i also can't believe nobody noticed this. the parent was just there like we're so proud of our little joshua, he is like, here he is he during the state championship game. and here he is in the spring when he won the gold medal at the track meet. so reportedly, reportedly these college coaches would take bribes to protend that they needed these nonathletes on their team and once the kids got into the school, the kids would just never play. you know what i think, i think the perfect pun shallment for these coaches would be forcing them to compete with a team full of all the fake athletes they recruited. yeah, that should be the punishment. (applause) and then and then on top of that, on top of that, we say that they have to win the championship or all of them go to jail. yeah. it would be like a really uninspiring disney movie, from the makers of the mighty ducks
come the wealthy dicks. i think it has potential, guys. i really think it does. and now some people out there who might sim pathize with these parents, you know. they might be saying like every parent wants the best for their kids which is true. every parent does want the best for their kids except for prairie dogs, you know. not because prairie dogs eat their young. oh, don't a-w me, this is animal kingdom trk is brutal. this is real life, not like the lion king, warthogs friends with lions. no, in real life simba would be face deep in pumba's intes tiens, what kuna ma tada my ass, that warthog would have a lot of matada'ss my friend. my point is before you feel sim palty for-- sim path thee for these parents that just want the best fof thar kids remember they had so all man advantages they went to the best high school, could a tord tutors rnldz clearly it wasn't enough. these parents are shameless. like they are literally shameless.
oh, and here is another reason you shouldn't feel bad for these parents. because it turns out a lot of them are a bunch of dick. >> marci palatella told confidential wit. >> one her and her house laugh every day about how grateful they were for c-w opinion 1 hfer services, quote we're like it was worth every cent. a wiretapped transscript details a father and singer creating a plan to trick usc into thinking his son was a football kicker. the father laughing telling singer, that's just totally hilarious, admitting his son's high school doesn't have a football team. >> the fbi says sop parents disguised their payments to singer as contributions to a charity he ran so they could dedublght the payments on their income taxes. >> jordan: wow, wow-- . >> trevor: wow, wow, so not only were they laughing about scamming these schools, it turns out they were also scamming the irs. how greedy can a person be? because i mean they are already commitk bribery. and then on top of that they claim it was to charity to get
their bribes back from the irs? like they just added a bonus crime to the crime they already committed. that was not necessary. in fact, are you robbing a bank and then on the way out you start stealing the pants. while i'm here. so these parents could be facing some pretty serious time. knowing them, they are probably trying to bribe their way into the best prisons, you know. everybody will be like why should you accept me into your prison, well, i teurlly ran the library at shawshank, here say photo of me doing that. so-- i think you should let me in. (applause) obviously, obviously i'm joking. none of these rich people are actually going to go to prison, come on. i'm being serious, at worst they will probably get community service like they will have to pick up trash in beverly hills, and be like oh, another hundred dollar bill on the ground. so dirty. so honestly, i don't feel any sympathy for these parents. but their kids on the other hand, their kids, that is another story. because according to prosecutors, most of the kids
had no idea that their parents took part in this scheme. and this is such a shitty to find out that your parents think you are are a dumb ass. (laughter) because they paid to make your life easier. like if i was one of these kids, now i would be questioning everything good that happens to me in life. like if one of my good looking classmates hit on me i would be like you done really like me. you are just my dad in a wig. give me that hair. give me that hair! give me-- oh wow t was real. dad, i did it gefnlt i need you to bail me out. for more on this college admission scandal we are joined by a man who spineds most of his time on college campus, michael kosta, everybody. (applause) >> as a college expert i would love to know what are your thoughts. >> yeah, well, trevor, this is the biggest college scandal since i was kicked off my a capella team for quote unquote bringing a gun to rehearsal.
they love their rules. ♪ but i will tell you what, the whole thing just makes it clear to me that we need affirmative action. >> trevor: i agree, michael, we need affirmative action because that would help mine order students compete against these well connected families. >> no, no, no, no you moron am i mean we need affirmative action for dumb rich kids. because if we stop letting wealthy parents bribe colleges then their kids won't be able to get in and dumb rich kids are just as important to campus die versity as any other minority. sure, black and asian students add new perspectives, but without spenszer the trust fund baby, who is going to ride a wheelchair off significant ma chai roof screaming lines from anchorman. without dumb rich kids, who is going to teach me how to soak a tam upon in vodka and put it up my ass so i can get drunk without having vodka breathe? >> trevor: so michael, you approve of what these parents did. >> yeah, but not in the way they predoing it.
secretly bribing colleges is despicable. they should be openly bribing these schools. like build a library and put their name on it then we all know who the dumb rich kids are. if thacher worth wortington is going to class at worthington hall, everyone knows in that class not to work with mim in a group assignment. and when we all know who the dumb kids are, we can fun el them to jobs where they can't hurt anybody like brand management or real estate or, who are those people that instruct you through yoga. >> trevor: a yoga instructor. >> professor brain yak over here, huh? the point is if parents are bribing people in secret, then we done know who the dumb kids are and we are might end up letting them be engineers or doctors. like could you imagine if you got heart surgery from donald trump, jr. he would probably get mixed up and put a can of axe body spray in there. >> trevor: but i hear what you
are saying but shouldn't we be trying to fix the overall system? shouldn't people get into college base on merit alone? >> trevor, our fore fathers fought hard for a just and equal society. and i would love to talk about the american dream with you, but i got to go. that vodka tam upon is kicking in. so thanks for the tip, spends. you're my dog. >> trevor: michael costa everyone. we'll be right back. (applause) (atlas) inferior phone detected. (woman) what is happening?!?! (atlas) you need a new phone. at sprint, the new samsung galaxy s10 series has arrived. (woman) wow. (atlas) and when you lease any new galaxy s10 phones, sprint will give you a galaxy s10e to use. (paul) and sprint's lte advanced network is built for unlimited. (atlas) it's up to two times faster than before. (woman) no way. (atlas) way. the data does not lie.
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did you lose that in brexit as well, what's going on! come on, wake up! because news, news in america is action. it always sounds like this. >> this is the cnn breaking news. >> breaking news tonight, president trump's record budget requests to congress are being overshadowed by a report he told a private audience that democrats hate jewish people. >> yeah! >> trevor: i did hear that. that is news! wolf whritser comes-- blither comes in, with this big graphic, and best of all an [bleep] orchestra backing you up in the background. ♪ and now i've always wondered, who makes the music for cnn? because that is my favorite part the news. because they are a big part of how entertaining the network is. well, we didn't find out who it is but we did make something up.
>> mi name is fronga von schmitt and i am the compose are and lead instrumentalist for the cnn breaking news orchestra. >> this is cnn breaking news. >> he's following breaking news. hurricane michael-- . ♪. >> i'm responsible for every instrument, every note, every piece of music you hear on the cnn it saul me. all of it. when i was younger, people said i was the finest musician in all of berlin. berlin, wisconsin. >> why do you have a german accent. >> why do you have a german accent. >> it is i who provides the passion, the feelings, the mood. without this music news would be boring and you what have to
figure out how to feel about things yourself. no one wants this. ♪ look at this. these ass holes at cbs mus are playing pop f are you not going to tell people how to have emotions you mit as well be playing pop musk. or look at me i'm john dickerson, unemployment is up. this is a triangle. i like to use this for melania news because it is very delicate, you see like, i just imagine melania being a beautiful princess in the white house. she is like tippy toe, tippy toe, tippy toe. so this is my tub blanca i like to use this forth kim jong un man because it reminded me of the way he walks, you know, kind of like. ♪ who give me this haircut. ♪ we should have him poisoned. ♪. >> what is your ultimate career goal. >> my goal, carnegie hall.
all of mine instruments, all of the songs, all me, all at the same time. maybe my wolfie will join me on stage. you could say i'm not just a musician, i'm a ne-wsician. (applause). >> trevor: desi lydic, everyone. we'll be right back. (app i'm captain obvious and hotels.com rewards me basically everywhere. so why am i playing the pug bongos at this destination wedding? because hotels.com lets me do me. where my dogs at? oh, here they are. hotels.com. you do you and get rewarded.
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hope. please welcome karamo brown. (applause) >> can i just say first of all i love how you pronounce my name. >> trevor: it's so weird because you know, it's like because in south africa we are carabo and africa karamo and then people here are like karamo. >> yeah. >> trevor: and then but i say it the way-- you tully talk about this in the book. >> yes. >> trevor: which by the way is truly, truly fascinating as far as someone's life story goes. >> thank you. >> trevor: we may even start with that. you get this name, you are given this name by your parents. and for the most of your life you grew up in texas, you hated the name that you had, why. >> completely. i am growing up in predominantly white neighborhoods with immigrant parents and was going to schools where my name was not special. it was perceived different. people made fun of it.
and as a child, you just want to fit in. you don't want to be seen as different. you just want to shall-- so in the comfort of my home i loved my name. my father said it like-- as you, i loved it. the minute i got to school and teachers would say carambo or kamooomoo or whatever, it kills your self-esteem. i had to learn to grow and love all parts of myself and my name being the first challenge. >> trevor: you speak in depth about growing up in a home with domestic abuse. >> uh-huh. >> trevor: while you yourself weren't abused personally. you still experienced this abuse in the household and what really struck me is the part in the book where you talk about something that i could really relate to. where you talk aout how you didn't realize that you were becoming like the abusive father that you were so afraid of and des piesed so much. >> yeah. >> trevor: explain what that actually means. >> well, you know, my father was abusive to my mother and though he never hit me i greup grew up in a household where abuse was prevalent bus as i was growing up i was teut men don't hit women but the conversation is
how do you have that when the little boy is not going to engage with imwith, he is going to engage with other men. >> trevor: right. >> so as i got older nim tie i would have anger issues or feel betrayed or hurt, i had been told my entire life it's okay to hit another boy. that is what men do, men fight. and so now i'm in these relationships where i then would get upsets and i was hitting my partners and was becoming my father, in essence. and what i realized is through research is that domestic violence in the lgbt community is higher than it is in straight communities. yet it's never talked about because police aren't trained, social workers aren't trained enough, nurses aren't trained enough. >> trevor: you talk about one of your relationships where you were abusive to one of your partners and the police got called in. >> yeah. >> trevor: and they basically just dismissed it. >> completely. i sat arrogantly at the door thinking, looking at my partner who was hurting and saying oh yeah, call the police. thr's not going to do anything. and just like i thought, the police came to the door and they saw two men. and they said oh, you all just work it out, you two friends work it out. they didn't even have the
language or the ability to say you are in a relationship. >> trevor: yes. >> and you know, obviously i have grown passed that. i have asked for forgiveness from all of my partners. i have worked on my anger issues. and you know, these are things i'm expressing because i want people at home to see, if i can really look transparently at myself and say this is who i was, but i want to be better. i want to grow through this. then anyone else can do it and i think that is a key message that people need to hear and understand. >> trevor: it really is a beautiful message that you are delivering in the book and in your life. and you know, i think it's only fitting that you became a father and honestly one of the most bizarre circumstances ever. >> yeah. >> trevor: you discovered that you had a son from a girlfriend, from really a previous life that you had. >> yeah. >> trevor: this say ten year old child that comes into your life. >> yeah, the first and last girl i dated. we lost our virginity together. and after we were done, i was like never doing that again. and then--
(laughter) >> they she moved away. this is of about its advent of the internet as we know it today. if you disn vey house phone and i'm not that old, or an address, it was like they were gone. and so ten years later i was coming home from this event in this drug stupor and there was a stack of papers on pie door stevment i was on m tv's real world before and i thought they were doing some punked version for the real world and i thought like oh, they're punking the gay gie, macking him think he has a kid so i start ashton kutcher was in my house. i went downstairs changed because i was excite toed meet ashton. and ashton wasn't in there. just a bill for a child i didn't even know about. and had to go on this journey to first of all figure out who i was. because i was still a child trying to raise myself, realizing i had to raise this child. but then also figuring out how to navigate with his mother so that we could communicate and coparent for our child and to have the best life possible. i got full custody of my son, i then adopted his younger brother
so i became a father of two. and now my boys are 12 and 18 but i got nem at 150 and 7 and so it has been quite a journey. >> trevor: it really has been quite a journey for you. >> hone least, this is-- i love you people will love you even more from reading this, excited for queer eye on netflix and your new podcast coming out. thank you for being on the show. >> he yes, yes. >> trevor: season three of queer eye launches on netflix march 159. his memoir is available now, karamo brown, everybody. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (applause) yeah! ohh yeah! ohh yeah! ohh we hide hotel names, so you can find four star hotels at two star prices. ♪ h-o-t-w-i-r-e [dophin making] e-e-e-e
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