tv The Daily Show Comedy Central March 15, 2019 1:38am-2:16am PDT
♪ mm. [ dogs barking ] okay, beyoncé, jay-z, let's go, come on, come on. come with mama. come on, let's go. [ cellphone vibrates ] ugh. [ cellphone beeping ] [ breathes deeply ] what? okay, um, ilana, please don't hang up. i-i know you need space right now, and -- and i really want to respect that, but you have asked me this... hundreds of times, literally, since the moment i met you, and it looks like today is the day. i'm gonna show you my poop. [ chuckles ] oh, my god. this means so much to me. okay. here we go. [ gasps ] [ laughs crazily ] [bleep]
queen! you must be an ashkenazi jew 'cause you are lactose in-toler-ant! right? no way could that have been all in your stomach at one time! it was definitely exiting your esophagus as it was entering your small intestine. whoo! i do feel lighter. hoo! thank you. wow. [ exhales deeply ] ilana, i needed that to work, dude. i am so sorry, and i knew that showing you my poop would cheer you up. ♪ my poop ♪ my poop, my poop ♪ my [deep voice] poop you sound good. [ normal voice ] thanks. i-i did it a few times before i called you. you know, i-i guess this distance thing could make us closer in some ways. thank you for saying that. ab. can i see it one more time? okay, one more time. and then i really have to flush, 'cause i, like, can't breathe in here anymore. [ clears throat ] oh, jesus. [ camera shutter clicks ] dude, no! ilana, no screenshots. delete that. that's not fair. yamaneika! come here! [ dog barks ]
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. let's get into it. you guys are great. let's go! let's go! let's go! thank you for tuning in. our guest tonight is an author and activist, really, really fun perfect joining us on the show and activist for l.g.b.t.q. rights. jacob tobia is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) but first, let's catch up on
today's headlines. ♪ ♪ first up, if you're watching this, it means you survived yesterday's instagram, whatsapp, and facebook crash. or as the millennials called it, "the end of the world." >> millions of people went through social media withdrawal yesterday. >> facebook down, instagram down. what we're learning about a worldwide outage. >> the outage is believed to be the biggest interruption ever suffered by the social network. >> facebook, along with its other platforms instagram and whatsapp, were down for hours yesterday for millions of people all over the world, some even calling it "the great facebook blackout of 2019." >> trevor: that's right. facebook, whatsapp, and instagram were completely off line. the great blackout of 2019. i thought that was governor northum. but whatever. ( laughter ) so if you nighed people in your office actually doing work yesterday, that's probably what it was. and can i just say, people were treating this thing hike an
actual disaster. "this is the worst thing, ever. now, how will i see pictures of my friend's baby?" why don't you see them in person? i don't want to touch their babies, no! i know for some people the worst part about yesterday was really the fact they couldn't slide into the d.m.s. right, one guy got tow desperate i saw him take an actual eggplant and put it in someone's mailbox. in other news, today was not a great day for president trump and his crew. his own party voted against his emergency border wall, which is going to force him to use his veto powers for the first time. and as if that wasn't bad enough, trump's vice president got deported from his office. >> house speaker nancy pelosi has taken away an office from vice president mike pence. pelosi's predecessor, speaker paul ryan, had given the vice president the extra space as a show of relationship between the house republicans and the white house. but the vice president rarely actually spends time there. by the way, the speaker has full control of office space at the capitol. >> trevor: damn, nancy.
damn! i mean, i get taking away mike pence's office, but it seems like nancy pelosi really rubbed it in his nose by making it the official office where dudes can kiss each other room now. you know that's going to get to him. and it's kind of funny that house democrats don't have enough power to rein in the white house, but they do have control over super arbitrary stuff, like they can control random offices. you know, it's almost like the democrats can't force trump to divest from his business interests ,but they can force the white house to use one-ply toilet paper. they'll be like, "take, that trump." he'll be like the risk that my finger will poke through the paper and touch my bum is worse than impeachment! ( laughter ) i also feel really bad for mike pence ,because you know trump feels like he has to top anything nancy pelosi does. so, now he's probably going to try to take away pence's real office. "sorry, mike, i need the room to store rudy's sarcophagus. sorry, buddy. all right, well that's it for the headlines.
lease elet's move on to our main story. we are now just 599 days away from the 2020 presidential election. when which when you think about is is basically like 598 days. let's catch up in the latest on the democratic primary in our segment "world war d." ( cheers and applause ) you know, there's an old african saying, "if you keep quiet for long enough, you can hear a new democrat joining the presidential race." ( laughter ) did you hear that? another one just joined. >> a brand new democrat in the race for the white house. former texas congressman beto o'rourke, the social media phenom who lost his race for the senate last year, joined the growing field just moments ago. he's campaigning in iowa today. >> and we have something that almost no other country in the world has. we have the single greatest mechanism to call forth the genius of our fellow human beings. this democracy, more than 320
million people strong, can bring the iningenuity, the craift, the resolve of an entire tri. >> trevor: yes! that's right! beto o'rourke is officially in the race. and it's about time. because he'd been teasing us for months. yeah, he wouldn't say he was running. but he was on oprah, he was on the cover of "vanity fair." he released a documentary. when we asked he was like a coy southern belle. i might but a lady never tells. i mean, obviously, we all saw this coming. this is the least-surprising thing to happen since we found out tucker carlson said something racist. ( laughter ) and a lot of people-- a lot of people are wondering, why is beto even running for president with he couldn't even beat ted cruz. i mean, he lost, . yeah, yeah, he lost, but he lost by a little bit, which is what people love. yeah, it's like "rocky" or "cool runnings" or "bad news bears." you see, humans are weird. if you win easily, people hate you, like tom brady.
and if you lose by too much ,we just think you suck. but if you lose by just a little bit, people are like, "that's my guy." ( laughter ) and now, of course, the big question, whenever a new democrat enters the race, is how is trump going to bully them? and with beto, the president wasted no time. >> what is your reaction to beto o'rourke's announcement? >> well, i think he's got a lot of hand movement. i've never seen so much hand movement. i said ,is he crazy or is that just the way he acts? i've actually never seen anything quite like it. >> trevor: you know, i can't believe i'm saying this, but trump is right. ( laughter ) boo! boo! no, screw you, trevor! boo! go back to africa! boo! ( laughter ) no, but, seriously, have you seen how much beto o'rourke using his hands. like, look at that. everything is hands-- he's like a polite version of eminem, just like the whole time. he kind of looks like one of those things at the car wash that i sometimes have sex dreams
about. you know those things? but that being said, that being said, trump is the last person to mock someone for overusing their hands. ( laughter ) i mean, every single trump speech looks like he's conducting every orchestra in the world at the same time. in fact, if the race comes down to trump versus beto, the debates are just going to look like every fighiting game we remember from the arcade. >> round one, fight. show your taxes. no wall. witch hunt. double k-o. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: so beto o'rourke has officially joined the race for president, which means there are now 15 democrats running in the primary. that's so many people. look at all those faces. look at all of those faces! they've got enough people to
start the world's worst soccer team. and because there are so many democrats running, many democratic voters are wondering how do i know which one to choose? well, for ronny chieng, the choice is clear. here's his report. >> the 2020 presidential campaign, like my afternoon poop, it's not quite here yet, but i can already feel it. out of all the candidates, there's only one i can see myself in. >> i'm andrew yang, and i'm running for president as a democrat in 2020. >> he's a successful businessman, and i don't know if it's the cut of his suits or the way he lights up a room, but there's just something about this guy that makes me want to vote for him based on zero research. okay, so you're asian. you're running for president. what else is there to know? >> my platform. >> right. i thought your platform was being asian. >> there are many, many other americans who care about my stance on the issues than, frankly, what my race is. >> which is?
>> asian. >> yes! and that's all we need to know here. okay, let's wrap this up upon. >> you know, i think we should discuss my platform. >> if you want to talk about what you believe, or whatever, go for it. i'm going to edit all this out. >> i believe every american adult at the age of 18 should get $1,000 a month free and clear to do with whatever they want. >> for working hard, right? >> for being a citizen of this great country. >> as this ad shows, yang is all about universal basic income, the idea that the government should give everyone a monthly check, even if they're not working. >> you can't just give people free money. that's only reason people work. if i was getting paid without having to work... >> you can't quit your job on $12,000 a year. it will it make so that americans can transition as technology is eating away many, many jobs.
artificial intelligence is around the corner-- >> oh, my god. artificial intelligence? robots? that's your thing? >> yes. >> dude, you are making it so hard to blindly vote on identity politics right now. >> projections are that about 44% of american jobs are subject to automation. self-driving cars and trucks are going to displace five million americans who drive for a living. >> shit. >> it's going to displace hundreds of thousands of bookkeepers, lawyers, and on and on. >> according to yang, everybody but me should be ready to be replaced. >> robots are coming for some jobs, but they're not going to replace all the jobs, or even most of the jobs. >> but are you only defending robots because you're a robot? >> no, i'm not a robot. >> prove it. which of these squares has a stop sign? point to the scares. >> this one, that one, and this is the third. >> very good. ( laughter ) >> bull i'm not sure i just proved i'm not a robot. >> what do you mean?
>> well, maybe you could develop a robot that culd identify the stop sign squares, too. >> what? so bob might not be human ,but he recognizes the yang universal basic income say winning idea. >> ubi is a beautiful idea. >> thank you, that's all i need to know. >> it's actually not all you need to know. the problem is it's a beautiful idea that will never happen. ronny, it costs nearly $4 trillion a year. >> why wouldn't you vote for that? have you ever had anybody wave money in your face? >> not really. >> it feels like this. can you feel that? >> i can feel the wind. >> that's the cash wind. >> where does the money for the cash wind come from. >> bob, it's no fun asking where this came from. >> policies only really work if they can happen. in the real world-- >> i don't need to listen to bob. all he cares about is reality. if this president taught us , any it's that reality doesn't matter anymore.
>> now we're going to have the space force. >> so if andrew yang is going to stand a chance in this election, he's going to have to learn what really excites today's voters. >> if we had a value-added tax at even half the european level-- >> all these numbers and nerd shit. listen, that's only one thing that wins elections in election, that's fear and hate. >> that's two things. >> again with the numbers. people are jobless, angry, and ready to blame their problems on another race, and robots are the one race it's okay to hate. >> yeah, well, robotds aren't a race for one. >> good, deny humanity. that's a great first step. the next time you campaign i want you to say, "robots are causing all the robot crime in robot chicago. >> there is no robot chicago. >> that doesn't matter. we're not talking about truth. we're talking about hate and fear and getting power for asian people and getting revenge on every single person. >> yeah, i'm for none of those things. >> good thing i'm here to help you out. so, this is an ad we prepared for your campaign. andrew yang knows america is
being invaded by robots. they're sneaking across the border, taking the jobs we love, and imposing the same-sex robot sharia law. andrew yang will stop the robots from banging your wife and becoming your son's new dad. yang 2020: you will not replace us. what do you think? >> it's kind of the opposite of where we need to go. >> so you do not approve this message? >> no, i do not approve this message. >> you don't what? sorry, i missed that. >> approve this message. >> and what is your name again. >> i'm andrew yang. >> yang 2020, (bleep) the roberts. (bleep) them to hell. >> i'm andrew yang and i approved this message. >> trevor: ronny chieng, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) (atlas) inferior phone detected.
(woman) what is happening?!?! (atlas) you need a new phone. at sprint, the new samsung galaxy s10 series has arrived. (woman) wow. (atlas) and when you lease any new galaxy s10 phones, sprint will give you a galaxy s10e to use. (paul) and sprint's lte advanced network is built for unlimited. (atlas) it's up to two times faster than before. (woman) no way. (atlas) way. the data does not lie. punch it, paul. (avo) switch to sprint today. we'll give you a samsung galaxy s10e to use when you lease any new galaxy s10 phone. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com
united states has problems that aren't apache colored and poorly dressed and one of those problems is policing in america. but police are working on this problem. to catch you up on their latest efforts we turn to our very own dulce sloan, in our new segment, "arrested development." ( cheers and applause ) >> thanks, trevor. police in america have been getting a pretty bad rap recently. mostly because they keep shooting unarmed black people. and it doesn't help that we keep recording it. if we didn't keep catching them on our phones, the problem would just go away, like my gas bill. if i don't open my mail, i don't owe you a thing. ( laughter ) but since it doesn't look like people are going to stop filming the cops, some police departments are coming up with other solutions. and like most of the dudes in my dms, these solution weird. >> police taking steps to engage more with young people in our community. officers are giving out trading cardsue see them there spp and
when they see kiddos on the streets they hand them one. if you're wondering, each card has a picture of the officer along with some of their background career information. >> it gives the youth the opportunity to learn a little bit about each officer. so, you know, it shows that police officers are people too,. >> oh, this is great! the waco police are going to pass out pokemon cards of themselves. so now when a cop throws me against the wall i can be like, "oh, wow, i can't believe i'm being man handled by officer barry! man, you're a collectible." ( laughter ) now, look, i think necessary a great idea. but it would be even better if the cops got trading cards of black people instead. then they can see us as human beings. ( cheers and applause ) so next time when they see a black kid running they'll be like, "why is he run?"
"that's lamar. he runs track, is constantly late, and his hobbies include not getting shot by the police." okay. if trading cards are too old school for you, the n.y.p.d. has a high-tech way to help community relations. >> the n.y.p.d. is turning to virtual reality to improve community relationships. >> the n.y.p.d. hopes it helps address. those are supposed to be students on the basketball court being asked to be in a gang. >> if you not down with me, i'm going to look dun d.n.a. >> all the character students encountered in the clips we were shown are people of color. piece accomplice say that's in an effort to be more relatable to the communities they're trying to target. >> okay, again, not a bad idea. which is why the cops should play the game themselves, okay. i don't need vr to teach me how todale with black people. i have a family and a bunch of mirrors in my house! i deal with me every day, and i'm a (bleep) delight! ( cheers and applause )
and if you are trying to teach young people, you're going to need a better game. this game is like grand theft auto with none of the fun. what do you do on level two, pay taxes and wear a condom? ( laughter ) but i get why cops are trying to role play. everyone loves role playing. you can be a cop air, prison guard-- oh, you could even be a prisoner. oh, i'm talking a prisoner who has been bad. ( laughter ) real bad. ( laughter ) so naughty you have to handcuff her and take her to a holding sell. uh-oh, sorry, you're doing beag so rough. >> trevor: dolsa, dolla i think you're getting a little off topic. >> i'm back. wait. okay, i'm back, i had to finish. cheaper choppe( cheers and appl) got to get mine!
now, in new york, they're changing the way they interact with black people, but over in west georgia, they're going a different way. still dumb, but different. >> this afternoon police have a new crime-fighting tool they say could help in dangerous situations. watch as police show us exactly how this works. >> you point the device in the direction the person you want to entangle or restrict their movement. >> it wraps extra-strong lines, shoots out, and catches around a suspect's ankles. here's how that looks. we slowed it down so you can see the line wrap around the manny kin's legs. >> that's got to be the worse idea yet. if you want to tie my ankles while i'm run, i would ratherring shot. >> trevor: whoa, what? >> at least when you're shot you gut gout with some dignity. you don't hog tie me like some rodeo cattle. i went to college. i'm not getting taken by down this cartoon-ass gun. what is this the police or the
circus? what's next, the cops stop a car chase by tossing banana peels up on the the window. >> trevor: i feel like police are trying to come up with solutions and you're just hating on them. what do you think would work better? >> oh, here's an idea-- why don't the police just talk to black heme! hmmm? ( cheers and applause ) i mean, get to know us as humans. and hire cops who actually live in the neighborhood they're policing. that way cops don't feel like they're commuting to a spike lee movie every day. ( laughter ) and residents will know the cops actually care. plus if a cop is your neighbor, that ain't snitching. that's gossip. ( laughter ). >> trevor: you know, these are some great ideas. so i think we should-- we should scrap all the other ideas, yeah. >> no, no, no, no. we could keep the little ankle thing. >> trevor: i thought you hated that one the most. >> for the police! i'm going to use it to catch
idris elba. ( cheers and applause ) by the way, when is he coming back to the show? >> trevor: i'm definitely not telling you now. ( laughter ). >> don't worry, file find out. i went to college. >> trevor: dulce sloan, everybody, we'll be right back. ♪ pardon the interruption but this is big! now with t-mobile get the samsung galaxy s10e included with unlimited data for just $40 a month. think only specialty stores have what's new? olay has the hottest debut. new olay clay stick masks, hydrating facial mist, and brightening eye cream. only by olay.
two mermaids made a great tasting spiked seltzer. with 0 grams of sugar. and now, they're making it for you. [whistle] ♪ hold up! nelson, you smell great. and no sweat, either. wow, you're the new team captain. degree advanced protection. ultimate protection activated every time you move. degree. it won't let you down. ♪ ♪ i'm sloane stephens, and i bounce back with chocolate milk. if you have a garden you know, weeds are lowdown little scoundrels. don't stoop to their level. draw the line with the roundup sure shot wand. it extends with a protective shield and targets weeds more precisely. it lets you kill what's bad right down to the root while guarding the good.
roundup sure shot wand. and to stop weeds before they start, also try roundup landscape weed preventer. roundup brand. trusted for over 40 years. ♪ ♪ ♪ we're more than just medium 1-topping pizzas for $5 each. we're $5 bone-out wings $5 garlic knots $5 desserts we're all this, just $5 each. call, click, carry-out or delivery the $5 line up. because no one out pizzas the hut. ♪ ♪ it's taking over
♪ there's no escape ♪ you better get moving ♪ ready or not ♪ it's about to go down here it comes now ♪ ♪ get ready ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ get ready ♪ moving ♪ ready or not ♪ get ready ♪ oh oh oh oh oh ♪ hey ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a gender non-conforming activist, producer, and writer whose new memoir is called "sissy: a coming of gender story." please welcome jacob tobia. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> i'm very happy to be here.
>> trevor: you know what gets me? you're a hugger, and i'm not used to hugging people who are taller than me. i don't know where to place myself in a taller person hug. >> it is awkward, because you get the arm sandwich moment. is can. >> trevor: i'm used to tall hug. and you're the first person i hugged who is taller than me, and i don't know how to engage in that hug at all. >> i did have a growth spurt 20 minutes ago, to be fair. >> trevor: welcome to the show. and congratulations on your book "sissy: a coming of gender story." let's first talk about the title. i mean, "sissy" would seem like the title that everybody would want to stay away from because that's a derogatory term people have used to describe people who are queer, gender nonconforming, et cetera, et cetera. and, yet, in the book you talked about how through self-love, you learned to own these titles as badges of pride. what did you mean? >> it's funny because in some ways, "sissy" is the first word i had to name nigh difference. you know, i didn't know the word "transgender" when i was a kid. i didn't even know the word "gay."
i knew "sissy," people who were gender different is a thing. the whole point of the book is to excavate the story of my gender and not take any part of it for granted. and, so, naming it "sissy" is about reclaiming my childhood for myself. you know what i mean? and learning to kind of, like, snatch back the power from people who tried to be like, "you shouldn't be like that." and you can be, "if you think you're going to tease me with that name, like, it's the title of my damn book now, so, sorry." ( cheers and applause ) like, oops. >> trevor: you said one of the things you think could help us in society is people experimenting more with their gender. you said people should try on a three-piece suit, regardless of their gender. why do you feel like that's important. >> everybody should try new things. we grow up in a world where our gender possibilitie possibilitit down from the moment we are children. and i think it's everyone's responsibility, and everyone's
opportunity to explore what else that could look like. >> trevor: in my world, i've always gone if somebody is not hurting me or it's not hurting other people ydoes it affect you. but there are people who are vehemently opposed to everything you're doing? have you engaged with somebody like that and find out why people are so against it? >> yeah, i have a lot of empathy for people who are really uncomfortable around me or stigmatize trans folks or straight up hate gender no nonnonconforming people. when someone cat call me in the street, when someone is violent towards trans folks, i'm just like, "darling, your trauma is showing." you know, the only reason you would lash out against a trans person is because you've been traumatized on the bays of your gender, too. and you see someone like, moi, with such freedom and you don't know how to handle it. to that effect, i brought you a little present. >> trevor: you brought me a present? >> yes. so i introduced--
>> trevor: you brought me a little bag. i love bags! >> a little baggy. i love bags! >> a little gift bag. >> trevor: i love bags! >> back in the-- when we were talking in the dressing room, i taught you a term. the term is gender (bleep)ing. >> trevor: i never heard of that before. >> it's not what it sounds like. it's like playing with your gender and having a damn good time. and so i brought you some clip-on earrings. >> trevor: oh, wow. so i get to wear these? you know what kills me with clip-ons, they give me headaches. >> these aren't tight. i promise you. >> trevor: are you sure? >> i promise. >> trevor: a lot of times they give you headaches. >> no, they're gentle. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) look at that! wow! this is, this is-- i mean, i don't want to be your stylist right now and i don't want to, like-- but i just-- this is a look. you realize this is a look, right? >> trevor: you know what's interesting for me to your ideas of gender and how we identify it and what signifies gender around the world is in south africa and in many african cultures, men
will wear earrings like this. and, to your point, it doesn't like-- no one would be like, "oh, that man is not man or"-- do you get what i'm saying? it's funny. like this, i'm just like i look traditional right now. i could be-- >> yeah! >> trevor: that's what i'm thinking right now. like, if my grandmother saw me she would be like, "finally! he has connected with his roots!" ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for being on the show. >> of course. >> trevor: it's a really beautiful book. that talks about gender in a really honest and funny way. "sissy" is available now. jacob tobia, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) this is your invitation to be our guest. this is the invitation to lexus sales event. lease the 2019 rx 350 for $399 a month for 36 months. now thru march 31st. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. ♪ [music playing]
kind of like how you get 24/7 access to licensed agents with geico. hmm? yeah, you just go online, or give them a call anytime. you don't say. yep. now what will it take to get 24/7 access to that lemon meringue pie? pie! pie's coming! that's what it takes, baby. geico®. great service from licensed agents, 24/7. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. before we go, before we go, if you're in florida this weekend, then you can catch me arena tour in hollywood and st. wawg steen. if you have free time and an alligator, pop on by. i'll see you at the show. if not, you know where to find me on monday. here system t.s.a. now, your moment of zen: >> that's what brought me here, along with, hopefully, a cup of