tv The Daily Show Comedy Central March 18, 2019 11:00pm-11:36pm PDT
news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! i'm excited. our guest tonight is the governor of washington state and a democratic candidate for president in 2020, jay inslee is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) going to be a fun conversation. also on tonight's show, bern's near-death experience, ronny chieng is here to save the planet, and apple thinks you're not looking at your phone enough. first, let's catch up on today's
headlines. president trump. as much as i hate to start the show talking about him, he is the president, although maybe someone should tell him that because this weekend instead of doing normal president stuff, he was on twitter unleashing a record 50-tweet tirade that he had even some of his supporters a little worried. >> president trump just glued to twitter over the weekend, some 50 tweets. >> a twitter typhoon ripping everything from the steele dossier to making claims mueller should never have been appointed. >> president trump once again insults late senator john mccain. >> president ripping into google via twitter. >> trump blasts g.m. >> wants to put janine pirro on the air. >> he took aim at "saturday night live," even though a rerun, threatening the show with a federal investigation. >> trevor: good lord! i know trump doesn't drink so seems like for st. patrick's day he skipped the alcohol and went
to crazy rampaging through the streets. our favorite tweet was when he tweeted out, it's truly incredible that shows like "saturday night live" not funny/no talent can spend all of their time knocking the same person, me, over and over, same with late night shows. should f.c.c. look into this, this must be solution with the democrats and, of course, russia. ( laughter ) so much going on here. first of all, "saturday night live" was a rerun, as you heard this weekend, so he got new angry over old jokes. it's interesting how he only complains about jokes about him. he never said, like, leave my children alone. in fact he's probably, like, hello "snl," do you take submissions? i have a few eric jokes i could send. ( laughter ) what does he mean late night shows are colluding with russia. really? the country famously known for their sense of humor, yes? what's your favorite russian
comedy show? you can't answer because there are no russian comedy shows! if they did a sitcom the wacky neighbor would burst through the door like cramer and everyone would shoot him. ha ha, bang bang bang bang! (russian accent) please do knock first. we're colluding with the democrats? they're the only people less funny than the russians. you think comedy shows are getting material from these guys? >> negotiating with this white house is like negotiating with jell-o. it's next to impossible. >> the five white guys, i call them, you know. ( laughter ) you know, handover stand next or what? ( laughter ) >> i don't know who created pokémon go, but i try to figure out how we get them to have pokémon go to the polls. ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: and shortly after that, she was peek-a-booed off
stage! ( laughter ) all right, moving on to some big technology and entertainment news. >> the "new york times" looks at apple's ambitious plans to challenge netflix, amazon and h.b.o. apple is inviting movie producers, studio expectist and a-list actors to an event next tweak to unveil its ideas for a streaming service. the first of a dozen or more shows will likely start streaming this year. apple reportedly plans to spend more than a billion dollars on entertainment. i hear the unveiling's going to be big. >> trevor: why is everybody a tv network now? apple makes phones, now a streaming channel. amazon sells books, also a streaming channel. i feel like one day we'll talk to our friends, yo, have you seen the new show on doritos? ( laughter ) not enough people for the channels coming up. pretty shone every show will have five viewers. i'll be, like, welcome to "the daily show" jill, peter, susan, lavon and bryan.
we lost bryan? shit. i have to go to bryan's house. what happened man? he would be, like, dude, i cracked my screen. then i have to repair bryan's advertising screen while i'm tuesdaying advertise,? this shit can't carry on! people are wondering what does apple know about making tv shows? where will they get their ideas? most to have the material from their shows will be taken from our private text messages and photos or videos we have on our phones. ( audience reacts ) that could be true. you don't know. ( laughter ) because you didn't read the terms and conditions before you clicked accept! whoops! all your dick picks are going to be part of a new game show! it's time to play whose dick is this! is that my dick? i think that's my dick! my dick, final answer! moving on to breaking news from the wizarding world. >> the bombshell revelation from harry potter creator j.k. rowling about two of her most
prominent characters. rowling previously revealed even though not mentioned in any of the books or films, hog wart headmaster dumbledore is gay. >> rowling reportedly says dumbledore and grunwald had a passionate sexwell affair. >> trevor: wow, makes sense they would have passionate sex. one is good, one is evil. of course the sex is going to be smoking, you know, like they're getting down to it taking off their clothes and dumbledore is hey, leave the sourcing hat on! i'm all for having diverse characters with diverse sexual identities but at this point isn't j.k. rowling just gossipping? dumbledore and grunwald are totally boned but grunwald never called the next day, the real crime of grunwald. once you bring sex into harry potter now everything in the book sounds dirty.
quitage. harry says i just bludgeoned the coughle with my beater's bat so i could get my hands on that snitch! let's move on to the main story. 595 days till the next presidential election which is so close. if you go to the bathroom, i'll maises it. catching up on updates with the democratic primary campaign in another edition of world war d. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ first up, if you're a democratic voter who was like there just aren't enough choices in this race, well, you're in luck. >> the race for 2020 and something joe biden said then quickly corrected that may be stealing the spotlight. >> listening to vice president joe biden, it sounds to many like he's made up his mind about entering the race. >> i have the most progressive record of anybody running for the -- anybody who would run. ( cheers and applause )
i didn't mean -- >> trevor: oh, joe... you're so running, joe! why are you even trying to cover it up, man? you don't have to pretend for our sake. we know what you're planning. biden is like a parent trying to preserve a kid's innocent. wow big guy another tooth gone? i guess i'll have to -- i mean the tooth fairy will put $5 under your pill o. trust me the money doesn't come from me. i know, dad, the money comes from mom. you haven't had a job in five years. ( laughter ) anyway, while biden was slipping up on stage, bernie sanders was slipping at the crib. >> two-time presidential candidate bernie sanders out campaigning in nevada after an accident in the shower left him with seven stitches on his head. >> he apparently cut his head on a glass shower door we're told. he popped into a walk-in clinic, got seven stitches and got out there. you can see the big bandage. is this evidence of his ten nasty as the race heats up?
>> trevor: bernie! the dude is such is a legend. he cuts his head in the shower and goes back out on the campaign. i can picture him at the doctor, hand me a stapler! i'll do it myself. if i cut my head in the shower, i'm not coming to work. he should not be in the white house, but in the next expendables movie. he would be the youngest member to have the team. i'm not saying bernie's too old to be president, but you have to admit, it would be awkward for the secret service if one has to watch bernie shower. i mean, because that's a danger to him and that's an assignment nobody's going to want because if you've ever been in a gym or locker room with an old person you know that they're not covering up anything for anyone's sake. yeah, he's going to be towlg off his crotch, take it all in, agent wilson! this is your future! this is you! oh, and by the way, by the way, you know, for me, this story is
a great example of how differently the media treats male and female candidates. yeah, because they just said that bernie slipping in the shower and hitting his head and carrying on is evidence of his tenacity. remember when hillary find at the 9/11 memorial and everyone was, like, hillary fainted today, is she healthy enough to be president or is it time to put hillary down? ( laughter ) this is something i noticed. but while some of the news was focused on some of the senior democrats, one of the youngest candidates is making waves. beto o'rourke, former texas congressman and sandsome scarecrow who raised $6.1 million a record in the 24 hours after he announced his presidential run last thursday. a lot of money, $6.1 million, almost enough to bribe your kid into u.s.c. ( laughter ) ( applause ) right now, out of the gate, beto looks like a serious candidate, but his launch is being overshadowed by a revelation about his past.
>> newcomer beto o'rourke quickly went from a big start to closer scrutiny. >> former u.s. congressman o'rourke confirmed he used to be a hack group as a teenager called the cult of the dead cow. he also wrote online essays under the name psychedelic warlord. >> his writings as a teenager included a piece of fiction written from the point of view of a killer who runs over two children with a car. >> trevor: that's right! beto o'rourke used to be a hacker, yeah, which i think will only help him because it's a great way to show you're from a more modern generation. most of the other candidates could never have been hackers even if they wanted to. what was bernie going to hack, a telegram? i bridged the mainframe! we're in! ( laughter ) and that's what people slamming o'rourke for short stories he wrote as a kid, i'm sorry,
that's ridiculous. they were fiction. he wrote fiction. what's next? are we going to arrest george r.r. martin? that man's a monster! he killed thousands! no, he's a monster because he refuses to finish those books! that's why he's monster! what the hell, george! you and robert mueller having a contest? someone release something! goddam it! ( applause ) but beto's an interesting guy, all right, he doesn't want to risk offending anyone with his past writings. in fact, he doesn't want to offend anybody. he spent the weekend apologizing for that and about 50 other things. >> i'm mortified to read it now, incredibly embarrassed, but i have to take ownership of my words and understand the way that they make people feel when they read them now. >> last night, he said it was wrong of him to make a joke at several events that his wife had been raising their three children see sometimes with my help ."
>> it's constructive criticism. it has already made me a better candidate. not only will i not say that again, but i will be much more thoughtful going forward in the way that i talk about our marriage -- >> beto o'rourke on the defensive telling reporters he regretted saying he was born to run for president. >> i'm born to serve, i'm born to try to help bring people together -- >> trevor: wow, this guy's apologizing for everything. soon he'll apologize for stuff he didn't to. i'm sorry trystan cheated on chloe kardashian. i have to take responsibility for his actions. i'm sorry people but this is out of control. people literally wanted beto o'rourke to foul polyjiz because he said about the presidential race i was born for this, and they were, like, that's white privilege. are you saying the presidency is your birthright? >> no, born for this is a figure
of speech we all use to indicate we're ready for something. i wasn't actually born for the all you can eat buffet. it's just something i say. this shit is ridiculous. this is not wokeness. this isen sanity. can you packag -- can you imagif beto took this to the white house? mr. president, what do you want to do? as a white man, maybe it's my time to listen to what the missiles have to say. breaking news, new york city was wiped out, but the president is a woke bay. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
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it lets you kill what's bad right down to the root while guarding the good. roundup sure shot wand. and to stop weeds before they start, also try roundup landscape weed preventer. roundup brand. trusted for over 40 years. two mermaids made a great tasting spiked seltzer. with 0 grams of sugar. and now, they're making it for you. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." let's talk about climate change. it's the most pressing issue facing humanity. well, that and marc march madne. this bracket is killing me. because climate change is so grad wacialtion very few people feel the passion to act. luckily, we have someone on the show who is extremely angry and passionate about this issue and likely every issue. please welcome ronny chieng! ( cheers and applause )
>> thank you, trevor. trevor, first of all, can you please stop telling everyone that i'm an angry person? you make me sound like some kind of raving psychopath. i'm actually a chilled-out guy. how do you think i got my sponsorship with ambien? ambien, just go to (~bleep ) sleep, already. that being said, nothing wrinkles my ball sack more than people ignoring the threat of climate change. and last weekend kids around the world decided they were sick of it, too. >> students in more than 100 countries took to the streets friday demanding action on climate change, an estimated 150,000 students and adults took part in school walkouts organized mainly through social media and word-of-mouth. >> they're calling for, among other things, 100% renewable energy by 2030. >> we are denying, stop denying! >> we called for a real national
emergency. >> oh, yeah, kids, that's what i'm talking about. i love seeing young people getting fired up about what they believe in. reminds me overwhen i was a teenager and i protested the iraq war by crashing my dad's car into a tree while drunk. ( laughter ) pretty slick how they found a good reason to skip school. i mean, the kids are, like, we cannot in good conscience go to class or do homework. head to cancun and fight climate change with senior frog! climate climate! the climate is getting destroyed like my grandmother's microwave with the weird sticky black cheese in it. feels like some bar bar i didn't understand didn't know how to use lids when they mike wrote waived the shit. >> trevor: are you coursing your grandmother? >> a private matter between me
and my gross dead grandmother. anyway the people in charge should be listening to the kids. instead they're making as much money as possible while ruining everything in their path. >> the trump administration approved seismic testing from delaware to mid florida. air guns dragged behind a vessel emit sound waves every ten seconds to penetrate the seabed and create a map of the oil and gas deposit below, noise that can disrupt marine life. >> dolphins and whales communicate to kind food and avoid predators. >> now the oil companies are blast ocean with non-stop song waves. you heard the lady, whales use sound for everything like hunting and finding a mate. imagine being a whale, you think you're hearing the mating calls. next thing you know you're having sex with a boat and your whale wife is divorcing you, your life falls apart and you do
flips at seaworld for he the. happens all the time. if you worry people who are blasting the sonic waves, turns out everything is going to be fine. >> the government concedes there could be impact, but not enough to kill or seriously injure marine life. assurances echoed by the oil industry. >> we have been co-existing with marine ecosystems for years, and we just haven't seen adverse impacts. >> trevorimpacts. >> really? you guys haven't seen adverse impacts? a seagull is now saying i couldn't hear you because i have too much oil in my ears! these guys have been spilling so much oil in the ocean. somewhere there's a polar bear accused of black face, all right? also -- ( cheers and applause ) it's terrible. also why are we believing anything the oil companies are saying when they haven't even cleaned up the shit they've
already done. >> the longles oil spill in american history has been going on for 15 years now, nonstop, following hurricane ivan. millions of dollars has been spent to rye try to clean up this disaster. >> how is the ocean even still water? at this point it has to be just oil and starbucks couples. this oil is 15 years old. i'm surprised r. kelly is not all over it by now. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what i'm trying to say is those kids were right, if we don't take the environment seriously, this planet is going to end up looking like the inside of my grandma's microwave. so i'm proud to announce i, too, am joining the protest. for the good of the planet, i will also be leaving work for the day and not coming back for two weeks. >> trevor: you can't just leervetion you're in the middle of a segment. >> shut up, you corporate trill. change las to start with me.
>> thank you! >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> hey, this is a good show, i've heard. >> trevor: you've heard? >> i've heard. >> trevor: never watched? >> i watch every night. don't go to bed without it. >> trevor: i thought you said you've herd then you've watched. that was a pretty good politician-y move you pulled on me to get the vote. you're wasting your time on me, i can't vote. >> you've got friends, buddy, okay? >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: welcome to the 2020 race. how does it feel to be in? >> it feels inspiring. >> trevor: yeah. >> inspiring because i'm finding people who really want to see a president who believes in science. >> trevor: right. >> who believes that the number one job of the united states is to defeat climate change. >> trevor: yes. >> people are telling me that that's the right message, i matched with thousands of kids in new york the other day who understand that, who believe this is a moral obligation and understand this is the first generation to feel the sting of climate change and we're the
last generation that can do something about it. >> trevor: it's interesting, though, you are one of what i would like to call oh jeez of climate change. long before it was popular among most candidates or politicians, you have now 15, 16 candidates in the race, and all of them have said climate change is part of their policy. i mean, how do you then differentiate yourself from them if everybody is biding your style? >> number one, they all make potential good vice presidents. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i think my candidacy is unique in a number of waissments i'm the only candidate who said forcefully this has to be the first, foremost and parish mount duty of the united states. the reason it's important is if it's not job one, it won't get done, and the reason is we have to use our political capitol, we have to develop a national mandate to actually do this. this is heavy lifting. we have to reorient and mobilize the entire government around
this mission statement. >> trevor: right. >> so having been the only candidate to really recognize that, and i have been a governor, i understand, unlike some others, to govern is to choose, and i've chosen that as the priority because it is the existential threat and we can't solve other problems unless that one. i campaigned in '92 on this. i co-authored a book. i started a project legislation back in the early 2000s. this is something i have been both passionate and effective about. the third thing is the governor, we're moving the needle in washington state. we're building a huge wind turban industry, a $6 billion industry. we now have legislation here that i hope we're going to guarantee washingtonians 100% clean electrical grid. we're doing things in washington, so both by passion, commitment, prioritization and experience, i think that's what we need and i think it would be great to have someone who believes in science and gravity in the white house. i think that would be great. ( applause )
>> trevor: the state that you're in, the state that you are governing has in many ways helped shaped the future we now live in today. >> yep. >> trevor: some of the companies that you govern over have been criticized. elizabeth warren came out saying the tech companies have gotten too big and need to be broken up. do you agree with this? >> well, what i agree with is, look, a lot of these tech companies have made our lives so much better in so many ways, but i do believe we need to rein in a considerable number of corporate practices. that's why i'm proud i was the first governor to sign a bill guaranteeing net neutrality. we need net neutrality and need it nationally. we've done that in our state. i believe that we need a way to stop the incredible subsidies that the fossil fuel industry is getting. send their lobbyists to d.c. and come back with billions of dollars that we have. i believe we need to rein in the abuses of our privacy.
i'm looking forward, there's a bill i'm advancing through our legislature that i hope will be the template for privacy protection in the united states. and i also believe we have to find a kay to stop the corporations from black mailing communities to saying we're going to move our 20,000 jobs out of your town unless you give us a tax treatment. so, yes, we need to bring sanity to our society and to our economy. so what i know is we need someone who has been a successful executive, who has helped build the number one economy in the united states, which is the state of washington, who has stood up against donald trump's muslim band, who has done america's best family leave policy and one to have the biggest major increases in net neutrality and transportation infrastructure. they can't build a birdhouse in washington, d.c. we have billions of dollars of transportation. that kind of executive can lead this country, and i hope i have that honor. >> trevor: thank you so much for being on the show! governor jay inslee, everybody!
we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ she's here! take cover everyone! move! ding dong! go back to work! you can't be all mean. you ain't ready to play with the grown ups. i wish you were little. [ screaming ] you went to bed grown and then you woke up a child again. where are my natural tear drop boobs? i paid 15g's for those things. to everyone you are a child. so start acting like one. think you're the boss of me. i'm requesting backup. we have a black momma whoopin'. who's the boss now? remind me of my mama. somewhere you'll never find... sike! we put them everywhere. grocery stores and supermarkets, gas stations, and chiropractor's offices, bowling alleys, and grocery stores, which we already mentioned... not sorry, reese's.
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> how about this? let's start with the oklahoma city thunder. they need a little luck of the irish here -- that was a terrible irish accent. ♪ >> may the luck of the irish be with you (irish accent). >> we get your gold and then we go! >> it's gone green. >> lucky charms are magically delicious. >> after a wee bit chilly monday, temps rebound just in time for spring!