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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 21, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PDT

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(clears throat) he wants us to come with him. gee, thanks, noah. oh, you're welcome. cyril: zwei manner, gehen und finden schmidt. eh? zakila koko? he wants to know why you stuffed your genitals into a coconut. because i hate this goddamn island. zu laguna mua mua. noah: mm-hmm, mm-hmm. he says you saved their lives, so now you're friends of the mua mua. batu baruka zu zaku. and that together, we will kill these white devils. nik andu. uh, no offense. none taken? teko besta. and then, we'll have a huge feast. (groans) ekari zim. oh, my gosh, really? -wow. -what? ah, well, he said even i could come. do you not normally go to the feasts?
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oh, no, no. god, no. (laughs) they're... super racist. well, guess you can find out what a human being tastes like after all. (chuckles) oh, man, and this is probably gonna sound weird, but i could kind of eat. a person? not a whole person, asshole. but maybe, like, a drumstick? >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: yeah! welcome to the show! welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you for tuning in. i'm trevor noah.
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thank you for coming out. thank you, thank you, thank you! thank you all for coming out. take a seat. let's do it. our guest tonight-- i'm really excited is a u.s. representative from the great state of texas, and the only black republican from the house of representatives, will hurd is joining us everybody. ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, kellyanne conway has the weirdest marriage, and desi lydic on the women who invented men. so let's catch up on today's headlines. first up, let me officially welcome you to spring. yeah. it's the first day of spring. you can feel it? you can feel it everywhere. here in new york, the winter street urine has begun to thaw. in philadelphia, gritty is shedding his winter coat, yeah. and in washington, d.c., ben carson is coming out of
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hibernation. yeah, very cool. but it turns out, there are some people who may be enjoying spring too much. >> southern california's unusually wet winter has created an explosion of color, one of mother nature's most dazzling displays-- hillsides over-run with poppies. >> but it might be too much of a good thing for lake elsinore. >> the town saw roughly 100,000 visitors on sunday, forcing mayor steve manos to declare a poppy apocalypse. >> the flowers were being trampled, and parking and traffic just turned into a nightmare. >> with social media driving the poppy frenzy, some worried the allure of a perfect post might be harming the star of the nature's show. >> trevor: wow, really? people are trampling the flowers just for a hot instagram post? and even worse, they're face-tuning the pictures. so now the flowers think they're not beautiful enough as they are. it makes them feel really insecure, you know.
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and, also, you say you love nature, but how are we going to fight against climate change if every time nature does anything cool, 100,000 people get in their cars and drive 200 miles to go and destroy it. "so much love for nature!" ( laughter ) the point is be responsible, all right. if you want a photo with flowers, just do what i do-- crash funerals, all right? ( laughter ) yeah. i'll just be there like, "yo, sorry about your nanna. but i got to get these likes. let's move on to the biggest news in the world of sports. >> he may not be a household name like lebron, brady, or serena. but tonight an l.a. angle has reached heights even those legends can't match. mike trout, seven-time all-star, two-time american league m.v.p. is reportedly about to hook the biggest contract ever in north american professional sports. >> the center fielder's contract extension is reportedly worth more than $430 million over 12 years. that's almost $36 million per year, or more than $221,000 per game.
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>> trevor: sweet jesus-- $221,000 per baseball game. at yankee stadium, that's enough to pay for parking and get two hot dogs. ( laughter ) that's like $20,000 every time he swings the bat, or $10,000 every time he scratches his crotch. ( laughter ) you can imagine the pressure mike trout is going to be under to win, right? because whenever the angels are losing he'll probably just have, like, the opposing team, he'll have them forfeit. he'll be like, "i'll buy you guys. i'll buy you. i'll buy you. just lose." if you have seen mike trout play, he deserves every single penny. i mean, the guy is incredible. but i will say that's a lot to pay someone for a sport. that only exists when people have something to think about when they're trying to not (bleep). and finally, moving on to my favorite story of the year, and possibly my favorite story in my entire life. >> the concertina wire, or the razor wire used to reinforce the u.s.-mexico border is being stolen and sold by tijuana
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residents for protection due to the city's high crime rate, according to officials. some homes in the area were also seen with the same razor wire added for an extra layer of protection, but residents refuse to say where they got the material. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> trevor: yeah, oh, no. i'm sorry, guys. this is insane. you have that right. mexico is stealing the wall. ( laughter ) ( applause ) oh, man. oh, man. i wish i could have been there when donald trump saw this story on the news. knowing him he was probably like, "they did what? nancy i'm going to need to you spot me another $8 billion. we're going to need another wall to protect the first one. laug ( laughter ) and i mean, if they're stealing razor wire for their houses, they might as well steal the whole wall next, right? no one ever thought of that.
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america will build a wall. no one ever thought mexico would steal it. mexicans will be showing off their home security system." i built a wall around my house, and donald trump paid for it." ( laughter ) ( applause ) oh, man! oh, wow. like, at this rate, at this rate, trump is just going to end up building all of tijuana up, you know. they're going to start putting in requests from mexico. they'll be like,un" what's really good for keeping us out, senior trump? garage doors, man. you should put them at the worried. of border the ones that fold. they scare us. almost as mump as patio furniture, man. let's move on to today's top story ( applause ) when you think of the trump presidency, what's the one thing that you think of? chaos? no, no, no. what else? ham buggers? close, keep going. porn stars. almost there, no. beef, that's what it is. as of now, president trump has
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been in more beefs than tupac and big netheir prime. one of his most famous beefs was with the late senator john mccain. mccain often criticized him and even voted against trump's plan to repeal obamacare. but now that he's dead, that is over. or so you'd think. >> president trump right now is at a campaign-styleeral neohio, and just moments ago he once again unleashed yet another attack against the late senator john mccain. >> wasn't a fan of john mccain. now we can say, now we're all set. i don't think we have to answer that question. but the press keeps-- "what do you think of mccain?" not my kind of guy i gave him the kind of funeral he wanted which as president i had to approve i don't care about this. i didn't get thank you. that's okay >> trevor: "that's right, folks, that's right, folks, not even a thank you for the beautiful funeral i gave him. and worst of all, he slept
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through the entire thing, folks. i don't care, folks, that's why i'm bringing it up. that's why." i really can't believe trump is beefing with a dead man, and losing ( laughter ) like, i mean, who's he going to go after next? "albert einstein! big dummy. how can e equal mc. they're different letters. it doesn't work, folks. it just doesn't work, doesn't work." ( applause ) now, if you're a living person who feels left out by trump's beef with the departed, please, don't stress. trump still has time to fight with people who are still alive. and this week, his opponent of choice is george conway. now, george conway, is a prominent conservative lawyer and a full-sized danny devito who has been from the beginning been a vocal critic of president trump. now, what makes the story interesting is that he's also married to kellyanne conway. yeah, the kellyanne. yeah, the presidential councilor
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and white house momo, right? yeah, but, but, instead of killing kids on youtube, she kills facts on cable news. totally different game. for two years, kellyanne's husband has been throwing shade at her boz, but this weekend he took to another level. >> a bizarre andibilitier feud between president trump and the husband of his top adviser kellyanne conway >> "all americans should be thinking seriously now about trump's mental condition and psychological state." he posted screen shots from the definitive diagnostic manual used by psychiatrists, detailing conditions, one is narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder gla okay now hold on, hold on. look, ooik not saying trump is a normal person but you can't sit at home and diagnose a mental illness or twitter. these symptom this guy tweeted could be anyone, like a grandiose sense of self-importance.
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sure, that one fits, i guess. number two "fantasies of, is power, and brilliance." okay, that one also fits, fine. but, i mean, they can't all apply to trump. there's also what, "believes he's special. has a sense of entitlement expectation of special treatment. lacks empathy, envious, arrogant"-- holy shit i take it back. this is most perfect match between disease and person i have ever seen. nine symptoms and they all describe president trump perfectly. like, i wouldn't be surprised if number tefns, "uses hands like he's fighting off angry bees. and he sounds like it, took place. "i think those people should never eye caught one, caught another one, so many. so many." ( applause ) now, i don't know what george conway was trying to do with these tweets, but if he had actually read the symptoms, he'd have known to be on the lookout for an aggressive response to criticism >> i call him "mr. kellyanne."
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he's a whack job, there's no question about it, but i really don't know him >> president trump not blast mr con way as a total loser. >> the president is escalating his feud with george conway tweeting, "george conway is very jealous of his wife's success. i barely know him, but just take a look, a stone-cold loser and husband from hell >> trevor: damn! donald trump calling someone "the husband from hell" is pretty amazing. i mean, this is the same dude who has a separate checkbook for paying off porn stars i mean... but trump always insults people with things that apply to himself. did you notice that? like hillary is corrupt, or ted cruz is a liar, or barack obama hates how dumb both his sons are. and, by the way, the part tweet where trump claimed conway is just mad for not being offered a job? it turns out, like most things trump said, it's not true >> conway said he turned down
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downa job in the early days of the trump administration, and released the letter he wrote to the president declining the offer for the number three job in the justice department. "i am grateful to you. however, this is not the right time for me to leave the private sector." >> trevor: you know it's frustrating how often trump lies. but at least he has the courtesy to make all of his lies easy to disprove. all of his lies you can google and the truth is the first result. "a lot of people don't know this but i won best supporting actress in 1979." i'm pretty sure that was meryl streep. "that's my stage name, meryl streep." you're lying. "no, i'm acting." so trump and george conway, they're going at it hard, and stuck in the middle of this brawl between her boss and her husband is kellyanne herself >> kellyanne conway finally weighed in today speaking by phone with politico, and defended the president, saying, "he left it alone for months out of respect for me, but you think he shouldn't respond when somebody a nonmedical
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professional, accuses him of having a mental disorder? you think he should just take that sitting down?" >> trevor: wow, defending trump. "shouldn't take is sitting down." it is donald trump. i think he's taking everything sitting down the same person who even walks sitting down. i mean, that's who we're talking about. you know, guys, as much as we make fun of kellyanne conway, you've got to admit this sucks for her, right. her husband is publicly beefing with her boss. that's not normal. and on top of all of that, everyone on cable news is trying to give her marriage advice >> would you be a little upset with your husband if he did what we've seen from george conway? >> who would work for a boss that calls your husband a lose tore millions and millions of people? >> i think it's probably hurting his wife's relationships inside the building. >> i cannot understand how you live in that marriage, and he walks in and says, "i'm going to hammer your boss again tonight in public." i don't get that one >> i think she doesn't have any choice. at some point she's going to have to decide between donald
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trump and her husband. this is not work out >> trevor: okay, okay, okay. that's just cruel, all right. gossiping about her marriage that way? and it's definitely inappropriate that cnn has a countdown clock to kellyanne's divorce. not necessary, really not necessary. ( laughter ) and, look, no discussion of someone's marriage problems should ever be on cable news, all right? it should be on "dr. phil," which is why we invited him to the show so we could talk about this with him. but unfortunately dr. phil couldn't come because he had some kind of mustache emergency, he said. luckily, i have a cousin in texas, who is also a tv therapist. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome dr. phtrevor! ( applause ) welcome back to dr. phtrevor. today i want to talk about this whole brouhaha between kellyanne, george conway, and donald trump.
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or as i like to call ta menage a twat are you doing? first of all, george conway, you're out of line, fella. why don't you just support your wife's career instead of making her life a living heck-- pardon my language. pardon my language. i mean, we don't need your tweets, george. you're just telling us stuff we already know-- donald trump lies and likes attention? oh, they should hire you to hire op-eds for noshit.com. again, pardon me language. pardon my language. and president trump, for once, can't ewing the bigger man. you can't be bad-mouthing your employee's spouseolt twitters. it just makes you look like (bleep). pardon my language. pardon my language, folks. look, donald, the conway marriage is like a miss teen u.s.a. dressing room. you've got to stay out of it, buddy, got to stay out.
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cheaper chopper and finally, and finally, kellyanne conway, i'm sorry that you've had to deal with this. you're clearly the only adult in the room full of bratty kids. you just keep your head up and keep doing the important work of lying to the american people ( laughter ) and making chuck todd want to kill himself. but don't let these buffoons distract you, kellyanne the truth is, they're just acting like a bunch of bitch ass(bleep) jerks. pardon my language. pardon my language. pardon my language. all right, when we come back we'll talk to a sex addict son who keeps sending dick pics to his blind dad. we'll be right back, we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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all march long we're covering women's history month when we celebrate the great icons from marie curie to ms. pac-man. she is the perfect woman-- strong, sexy, and eats goats. everything i'm looking for. for more, we're joined by desi lydic, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> thanks, trevor. you know this month is so important to me because i get to celebrate some amazing women. and the show buys me a really nice watch. >> trevor: i-- i didn't sign off on that. i said no >> that's yi forged your signature ( laughter ) i did it for women. now, look, i know a lot of men might think women's history doesn't affect them, but it turns out women throughout history have invented some of men's favorite things. for example, trevor, what's the number one thing that men can't live without. i'll give you a hint, it starts with a b., you whip them out during spring break >> trevor: boobs >> beer >> trevor: no, boobs is a
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brand of south african beer. >> okay. beer is a $530 billion industry, mostly thanks to men. and who can blame them for loving beer with all those macho ads with sexy women desperate to have sex sex. "oh, grandparent, your social security check is so big!" ( laughter ) you know, but it turns out, mesopotamian women were the ones who invented this man juice-- wait, sorry, no, that doesn't sound right ( laughter ) this man fluid. yeah, that's better. but it's true. 7,000 years ago, beer was considered a gift from a goddess, and only women were entrusted with making it. which is why i no longer pay for beer when i go out. you know, instead of signing my bar tab i just write, "you're welcome." >> trevor: that's actually a really cool thing-- i mean, not you stealing things, but the invention of beer >> and that's not all. a woman helped create one of the things men think they can do when they're drunk-- kung fu. society has told us that it's
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meant for men-- and pandas. but guess what, bruce lee the most famous kung fuer of all time got his whole style of kung fu from a woman. in the 1700s, a nun developed her method after teaching a female student how to fight off the creepy guy. these days you can just swipe left, but back then, you had to literally swipe left ( laughter ) >> trevor: yeah, that's so amazing. wow ( cheers and applause ) i didn't know all of these things. like, i didn't know a nun helped invent kung fu >> well, i mean it's not that crazy. nuns are bad-ass. remember that nun in the 90s who took down one of reno's biggest mobsters and still had time to teach one of her choirs motown song >> glnt that some o sister act. >> it was this woman who discovered nuclear fission >> trevor: i'm sorry, nuclear
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fission. what is that is it >> seriously, trevor, you don't know what nuclear fission is? is? i mean, everyone knows it's when you fission the nuclear-- whatever. the point is her discovery of nuclear fission became its basis for all nuclear weapons. so without her, there are no nuclear bombs. and without nuclear bombs, world leaders would have no way of proving how big their dicks are ( cheers and applause ) fell as, the next time you're butt chugging a p.about r., or start a bar fight or drop a nuke, remember all of the women who made it possible. and honor them by not doing any of that dumb shit in the first place. >> trevor: desi lydic, everyone! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. yeah!
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a republican lawmaker from texas who represents more of the u.s.-mexico border than any other member of congress. please welcome congressman will hurd. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thanks for having me on. let me ask you a question which is oftentimes the elephant in the room >> sure, let's hear it. >> trevor: as a black republican... ( laughter ) that's the question. >> there's not-- there's not many of us. >> trevor: right. why do you think that is? look, i think that is because--
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look, my dad always says that he was a republican from the first time lincoln freed us, right. and >> trevor: how old was your dad? >> exactly. ( laughter ) he's 86. but we have to make sure that we're recruiting candidates. and a lot of times, the republican party doesn't go into communities that could naturally identify with our philosophy and our beliefs. >> trevor: right. >> however, if you don't show up to places, if you don't talk to people, if they don't trust you, then they're not going to listen to you. >> trevor: right. >> and that's what i try to change. you know, the district i actually represent is a 71% latino district. it's 21 counties, two time zones, 820 miles of the border. it's larger than 26 states, and it's roughly the size of georgia. and i go to places that republicans have never shown up. and i think that's why i've been able to be successful. >> trevor: when you look at the border wall, you voted against donald trump's national emergency border wall?
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why? how does that make sense for you as a republican? >> right. that makes sense for me as a republican because i believe congress was given the ultimate check and balance in government, and that's power of the purse. >> trevor: right. >> and congress is the one that should be deciding how money is spent. >> trevor: do you think that it's a national emergency? >> it's a major problem, but when you say "national emergency," that give the president powers to take money from other parts of the government to use it for something that he sees fit. and i don't believe we should be taking money from our bases. we've just rebuilt our military. we're making sure that the men and women that are keeping us safe have the proper facilities to train in. and you're taking money away from that in order to put it on something that i've said building a war from sea to shining sea is the most expense and least-effective way to do border security. >> trevor: you have also voted the opposite wray of president trump. you said you are pro-daca kids to stay in the united states. you said you are pro the dreamers. >> sure >> trevor: why would you go against what trump has said and
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so many republicans. >> the other thing with border security. we need to streamline immigration. when the country is at 3.9% unemployment. that means whether you're agriculture or artificial intelligence you need workers and the quickest way to do that is streamline our legal immigration system. if we do that, we allow border patrol to focus on kingpin, human smugglers. and we have to address root causes in guatemala, el salvador, and addressing economic opportunity there. when it comes to dreamers, men and women who have only known the united states as their home, they're already contributing to our economy. they're already contributing to our society. let's make sure we have a permanent legislative fix. >> trevor: do you find the republican party is more extreme than you? do you find some of it is more
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extreme. where do you see yourself within the party yourself? >> i always-- when someone tries to put a label on it. that always frustrates me. because it's a myopic way of looking at the problem. the republican party-- there are a lot of different kinds of republicans. the things you and i have talked about here, most people are like, "yeah, that makes a lot of sense." >> trevor: definitely. >> when i go home, guess what, the folks that have been republicans all their lives, they agree with me, right. >> trevor: right. >> democrats come up to me and whisper, "i agree with you, too." >> trevor: right. >> and so-- so-- this is-- so there's a lot of people that are like me and believe my way. so my point is why i come in and talk to folks like you and talk to groups that may not necessarily believe in the republican party to say, "listen, there are some of us that are thoughtful. there are some of of us that are actually trying to solve problems. there are some of us that believe helping people move up that economic ladier." there are people that have been left out, and we need to make sure we take care of them and that we give them a hand up.
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and so that's-- that's what i believe. and there's a lot of people that do believe my way. and we don't get enough opportunity to talk about it. >> trevor: so if i understand what you're saying, you're saying some of them may be racist, some may be horrible people, but most, i assume are, good people. ( laughter ) i'm joking with you. ( applause ) can i be honest-- honestly, i appreciate you being on the show. i mean, like you say, we don't have to agree on everything. but, i mean, as the audience hears, you make sense. are you thought envelope a lot of things you say. i appreciate you coming out here. i joke with you. i wish we could have more of these conversations from all sides. so thai s thank you so much forg on the show >> let's go down to texas. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: congressman will >> trevor: congressman will hurd, everhere, take cover everyone! ding dong, ding dong! you're mean, i wish you were little. [ screaming ] tell me why you aren't in school today.
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i have a company to run. she sells girl scout cookies. she takes it really seriously. there's your teacher. damn. you feelin what i'm feelin? no, i'm not feeling that at all. i'm the teacher. and i'm the student. you're too young to drink. i'm not drinking. i literally see your baby fingers gripping my glass. what is this? the kid's menu. uh, uh... would you like this kid's foot up your... a rich lager aged on jim beam bourbon barrel staves for a deliciously smooth finish. there's a new bud in town. budweiser reserve copper lager. ♪ oh, pete!?! c'mon man. what? we said pantyhose right? here, eat this... creamy snickers®. you could use a little smoothness. pete? pete zagorin? get smooth with the fresh-ground nut butters in new creamy snickers®. ♪ you tired, huh?
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