tv The Daily Show Comedy Central March 22, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PDT
really impressive. and here's my commisshy. mmm. bevers, thank you so much. really, i really appreciate it. [ muffled ] i'm really gonna miss you. i'm...really gonna miss you, too. wait, bevers, does melanie even know i'm moving out? oh, yeah, she knows. [ ilana and abbi speaking indistinctly ] [ sniffles ] [ sighs ]
[ chuckles ] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah. thank you for coming out. thank you for coming out! thank you all for coming out! welcome to the show, people! let'let's do it. our guest tonight is amazing, author, a physician, and the new president of planned parenthood - leena wen is joining us!
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: also tonight, joe biden might have a running mate. roy and ronny have march madness and slavery reparations are coming -- maybe. let's catch up on today's headlines. following last week's mass shooting in new zealand, the whole world came together to offer thoughts and praise. new zealand was, like, thanks for thoughts and prayers but we want to do something also. >> new zealand's prime minister taking swift action following terror attacks on two mosques there. she's announced a ban on almost all military style semi-automatic and assault rifles. >> new zealand will ban all semi-automatic weapons and all assault rifles. >> the new law will take effect in just three weeks and includes a buyback scheme that could cost the country 13 $138 million, but there's widespread and bipartisan support. >> i hope they suffer. >> you can't control the people
so you've got to control the law. >> trevor: that's right, new zealand announced a ban on assault rifles less than a week after a shooting. almost like these guys get their gun control on amazon prime where in america it's apparently delivered by a turtle who died in 1783. ( laughter ) obviously, it's not entirely fair to compare new zealand to america because america has a broken political system. , so yeah. moving on to some other political news. the 2020 election 592 days away, any candidate who hasn't yet entered the race risks getting left way behind but one big name is look for ways to leapfrog to the front of the pack. >> as joe biden strategizes the official rollout of his 2020 presidential bid, rumors are swirling he could name a potential running mate at the same time. close advisors to the former vice president reportedly have their eyes on stacey abrams. >> trevor: well, well, well! stacey abrams as a running mate? that makes things a lot more interesting, huh?
old white man, young black woman? that combo works for every nursing home, why not the white house? yeah. it works. and don't worry, i can make that joke. i was made by the same combination of people. ( laughter ) but seriously, in politics, you want a balanced ticket. it works out. i mean, it worked for president trump. he's a puss syrian-israel he's d mike pence as a smooth gentleiary going on. joe biden is, like, guys, what if i ran for president? okay, what if i ran with stacey abrams? all right, what if it was just me but with a jheri curl? what do you say? ( laughter ) in a way i don't blame biden. it's the same technique i used on my ma'am -- what if i told you i left my school bag on the bus? then i would spank you! i would be, like, yes, of course. what if i told you my bag was stolen on the bus?
then i will spank you and tell you go find who stole it. what if the bus was on fire, i had to escape but left my bag. then i'm grateful you're alive. that's the one i'm going with. i'll make an announcement regarding the future of my bag tomorrow. and news from the world of criminal justice. >> police pursuit in los angeles ended with moves nobody expected. highway patrol officers purposely hit the suspect's car forcing him to spin out and stop. with guns drawn, ordered the driver to step out, keep hands up. he starts to comply and pulls this stunt. >> dancing in the middle of laurel canyon, appears to be some type of a break dancing. >> yep, that happened. the suspect eventually raised his shirt to show he wasn't armed and waited patiently to be handcuffed. ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man, y'all, this has to be the most l.a. thing i have ever seen in my whole life. everyone in that place is ready
to audition at any moment. the cops are, like, we've got you surrounded, there are cameras everywhere! cameras? city of stars, are you shining just for me ( singing ) also no black person would ever dream of doing this shivment i heard this story and i was, like, not a black person. there's no black person. if a cop is pulling you over as a black person nobody is thinking about dancing because black person's dance moves look dangerous. and secondly black people wouldn't dance around cops. black people won't even dance near a stripper cop. yes, officer, i have been a bad boy but, please, i want to see my family again. today's top story -- ( applause ) for our main story, let's talk about slavery. no, white people, come back! ( laughter ) even today, the topic of slavery still brings up so many hot button issues.
racism, confederate statutes and, lately, reparations. should america compensate the descendents of slaves? for a long time, reparations were considered a radical idea, but recently it's become a lot more mainstream, sort of how we used to think hitchhiking was a craze syrian-israeli idea. then it's, like, fine, jake didn't murder me. five stars. pretty much of the democratic candidates are on board. >> some democratic presidential hopefuls are putting a new spin on an old idea, whether to pay direct descendents of slaves. >> i've long believed this country should address the original sin of slavery, including by looking at reparations. >> i think that we have got to address that, again, it's back to the inequities. >> i absolutely believe that we need to have some kind of accounting for the persistent racial inequities today. >> i believe it's time to start
the national, full-blown conversation about reparations in this country. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: wow. that is likely great to hear. although, i have my eye on you, elizabeth warren. i feel like as soon as reparations are past, she will be, like, there's something i didn't tell you about my ancestry results -- i'm also 1/20 black! who knew?! apple pay! it may not come as a surprise, but while democrats seem to be uniting behind the idea of reparations, people on the right are just answer united behind the idea of hell, no. >> also the party of reparations. presidential candidates say americans should be rewarded or punished based on skin color. >> my great great grandfather fought with the union army. do i get a discount? >> no need to grapple with the proposal like how you determine who receives and pays for the
reparations, how much it would cost, whether nigerians who just arrived here would benefit. >> trevor: what? that's a stupid question. nigerians don't need reparations. they've already been paid by jussie smollett, okay? ( laughter ) what are you talking about? obviously, there are a lot of details that would need to be figured out if america did decide to go with reparations, but that's not just a reason to dismiss it out of hand. you can make anything sound craze syrian-israeli by asking questions in a skeptical tone. i'm sorry, you want to have sex? so, what, you're just going to put a part of you inside a part of me? and then pull it in and pull it out and do it over and over again? and the penis throws up and there's a baby? i don't know, doesn't seem realistic to me. and some at fox news think there should be reparations but maybe reparations for white people. >> they keep blaming america for the sin of slavery but the truth is throughout human history, slavery existed and america came
along as the first country to end it within 150 years, and we get no credit for that. >> trevor: yeah, how come america doesn't get credit for having slavery for only 200 years, yeah? one to have the dumbest arguments i've ever heard. first of all, there are many countries that got rid of slavery much faster than the u.s. second of all, you don't get credit for doing a bad thing less than someone else, okay? that's, like, r. kelly saying, guys, get over it, have you seen the michael jackson documentary? ( laughter ) to be fair, there are some people on the right who are willing to consider reparations, but, unfortunately, what they're saying is that slave ship has just sailed. >> it is impossible to come up with a fair metric for recompencing slavery ten generations after slavery's end. >> how do you calculate the financial penalty for injustices that my great grandfather committed against somebody
else's great graduator? >> nobody alive today has a grandparent who was a slave and, in that sense, i think you reach a point where, you know, you need to move on. >> trevor: yeah! move on, people! it's over! you know what's fun funny, with slavery, people are, get over it! that's history. if you try to take down a confederate statue, it's, how dare you! that's history! even though it may seem like ten generations, slavery wasn't that long ago. there are actually people alive today with grandparents who were slaves. up until a couple of years ago, there was a woman whose dad was a slave. her dad. imagine growing up in a house where your father was a slave. that is harrowing. it also means, as a kid, you can't complain about shit. what are you going to say in the house? school was so annoying today. oh, school was annoying? you know what was really
annoying? slavery! dad, i can't believe you won't let me go to melissa's house. you know where i wasn't allowed to go as a kid? slavery! do you know what else didn't make sense? the end of inception, i didn't understand what was going on there. it's fun syrian-israeli to me that, in america, whenever people want to fix a problem, seems like it's never the right time. reparations, that was so long ago. gun control, it's too soon to talk about it. climate change, it hasn't even happened yet. let's wait for the ice caps to melt and then we'll, what, do something? no, it will be too soon to talk about it. of course, the biggest obstacle to reparations will be public support because, in a recent poll, a majority of black people support reparations, but 81% of white people oppose it. now, that's a pretty drastic racial divide. so to help us explain it, rest s go to our expert on being white, michael kosta, everybody.
>> thank you. >> trevor: thanks for being here. tough subject. michael, you are a white man. >> thank you, trevor. >> trevor: what are your thoughts on reparations? >> oooh, i mean, this is a difficult issue, trevor, but, honestly, i think white people should support america paying reparations for slavery because, let's face facts, slavery was the worst thing north america has ever done -- america has ever done, not counting the time we stabbed the moon to death with the american flag. >> trevor: wow, michael, that's a really progressive opinion. >> not craze syrian-israeli. reparations often do happen. i'm still paying reparations to my friend tony, which means watching the cats means you also have to feed them. >> trevor: you watched them die? anyway, we don't have time for that. aside from the cat thing, i'm actually impressed you michael
kosta a white man support reparations for black people. >> i'm doing this for white people. if america pays reparations to black people white people will be free to have the bondage of guilt. >> trevor: i knew there was a catch! >> wouldn't it be wonderful to wipe the slate clean? we pay reparations, white guilt goes away. no more worrying ability people of color, african-americans, my home dog's in the hizzle, that's why i'm pro reparations. first we elected obama, gave moonlight the oscar, throw in reparations and we call it square! >> trevor: this is anig fortunate argument and honestly i'm offended by it. >> whoa! sorry! allow me to make reparations for how i've wronged you. there's 50 bucks! >> trevor: now i'm mildly irritated by what you said. >> it's a win-win. my guilt is gone and you get to buy a new ceremonial africa thing. >> trevor: what?! >> oops, i should haven't said
that. here's 50 bucks. i'm sorry about that. >> trevor: i'm -- i'm not liking what you're saying but i like this idea. i'm not lying. >> exactly. and that's just the beginning of what white people can do once we've atoned for the past. we can finally corn row our hair and say words like i'm fleek and finally, thank god, i can be rude to a black person and not have them think i'm racist, just that i'm a douche bag. so to my fellow home dogs in the white hizzle, get on board with reparations, a wonderful guiltless day awakes us where we can shake our dreadlocks in the sun and i can shout free at last, god almighty we're free at last! >> trevor: michael kosta, everyone! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) the latest innovation from xfinity
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! today is the first day of march madness and, for full coverage in the world of sports, we turn to roy wood, jr. and ronny chieng with another edition of i apologize for talking while you were talking. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> oh, man! ronny chieng! that's the wrong ball! i apologize for talking while you're talking. march madness is here, ronny, can you feel the excitement? no one is doing their job today. everyone is watching basketball. if north korea wanted to nuke us now, this is the time to do it, no one would even notice. >> kim jong un from downtown! yes, he nuked downtown! finally, some parking spaces. >> ronny, i know you filled out your bracket. only question to ask, who you got winning this year. >> capitalism, roy. capitalism wins every year. this whole tournament is just a bunch of kids working hard for no pay wearing shoes made by kids working hard for no pay.
>> and speaking of shoes, eyes on duke czar siren williamson. last month he injured his knee when his sneaker exploded into a sandal. thankfully he's back with new kicks. >> duke zion williamson didn't miss a beat when he returned to the court. all eyes were on his sneakers. >> the nation's top college basketball player bounces back in new and improved shoes, nike made sure of that. nike sent their top people to china and came back with these super sneakers, strong enough to support zion's massive size and superior play. >> so the kid busts his shoes and nike makes him some new ones on the spot, but when i split my lee vice the guy at the store is, like, sir, your body shape doesn't support jeans! disrespectful! >> to be fair, they're not wrong, roy. you are built like a gummy bear. my question is why did zion
trust nike again? if you ask me, he should have signed with crocks. they're comfortable and already look like they've exploded. >> they do. speaking of unexpected explosions, robert kraft, the patriots owner and a man who got busted in a prostitution sting, but that might not stop him from getting to visit his biggest fan. >> robert kraft could make an appearance at the white house before he faces solicitation charges. president trump wants kraft to join his players at the white house to celebrate the pats super bowl victory. people are concerned it did could be an embarrassing media spectacle. >> some say it's wrong to let an old pervert into the white house. but since he already lives there, shouldn't he be allowed to invite robert kraft? >> ronny chieng, very true. but, honestly, ronny, there's no way trump is going to disinvite robert kraft.
if anything, i bet trump will invite the masseuse, too! >> talk about a job summit, am i right? ( laughter ) no? >> stop it. stop it. in other n.f.l. news, we got to talk about the the big trade, man. the giants sent superstar wide receiver o'dell beckham, jr. to the cleveland browns and one cleveland kid got so excited he almost browned his pants! >> giants football fans are still coming to grips with losing star wide receiver o'dell beckham, jr. take a look at how fans in cleveland are reacting. >> we goto del! we goto del! >> that is 17-year-old robert stewart, running through the streets of suburban shaker heights. while stewart was excited, some neighbors weren't sure what was going on so they called 911. >> 911, what is your emergency? >> i'm calling because there's someone out in front of our house, we just drove home, and he's yelling and screaming and, like, ailing flailing his arms. >> got o.b.j. i was so excited, i couldn't
help myself. >> i love this kid, running through the neighborhood, we goto del! o'dell is coming! o'dell is! ing he's like a football paul revere. it's great! >> i wonder if this kid does this for all cleveland sports. the lebron years must have been exhausting. we lost rebron! we got lebron back! we lost lebron again! >> it's nice to stay a 911 call go well. a lady called the cop, a black man scream weg goto del. and the 911 operating is, like, we goto del! we goto del! >> trevor: roy wood, jr., ronny chieng, everybody. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome bang to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the new president of planned parenthood federation of america and planned parenthood action fund. she is the first physician in nearly 50 years to lead the organization. please welcome dr. leena wen. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to the show. >> thank you. i'm so glad to be on. huge fan. >> trevor: congratulations on your new position. you have now been leading planned parenthood -- is it six months now? how long has it been. >> four months. >> trevor: four months, straight into the job, and, honestly, you have one of the most impressive res maz resumesy
human i've read. you went to college at 13, you flew. were at the top of your class. you went on to work in healthcare. you worked in healthcare at baltimore. you look at the programs you enforced there. you have been a bad-ass from day one. you implemented programs where you helped kids get reading glassing and this improved test scores. the kids weren't dumb, they just couldn't see, right. >> yes. >> trevor: you worked on improving general healthcare of the community, has this always been the focus of your life, improving lives with health? >> yes. i've always wanted to be a doctor as long as i can remember and also working in the e.r., helping people who are sick isn't just all there is, it's systemic issues. healthcare needs to be a human right available to all and not just a privilege available to some. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: when you take over
planned parenthood, though, you are taking over an institution that is easily one of the most divisive in america. you have an institution that works to support so many pemwomen and their reproductive right, and you have an institution that has become the single enemy of the right. what is your idea of what planned parenthood is supposed to be doing in this dismount. >> planned parenthood is a healthcare organization. that's how i got to know planned parenthood. my mother was a patient of planned parenthood, so was my sister and so was i. just like one in five women in america. we're not the ones that made healthcare political. getting medications for your children, breast and cervical cancer screenings, sti tests, these are not political issues. but when other people have made healthcare political, it is our duty to fight back with everything we have because it's about people's lives. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: the topic of abortion in and around planned parenthood has been one of the biggest reasons that republicans
want to defund your organization. take us through the arguments against what many republicans are proposing in the heart beat laws. >> just today, the governor of mississippi signed into law a bill that would prohibit abortions after six weeks, when most women don't even know that they're pregnant. and this is similar types of legislation have been introduced in 15 states, just in 2019 alone, and i know what that means. i have a mentor who practiced medicine in the 1960s working in the e.r.s, and he talked about how there was an entire area of the hospital called the sepsis ward, and it was filled with young women who were dying from infections and kidney failure because they had to go have unsafe abortion care, and that's what could happen now. we need to call out that reproductive healthcare is healthcare and we are fighting for people's lives. >> trevor: when you look at the arguments republicans pose
from the other side, they say we are here to protect the unborn child. president trump has been seen on the campaign trail saying this is about late-term abortions. you know, you hear the stories now where -- i mean, president trump actually said it's gotten to the point where a baby can be aborted after it is born. now -- ( laughter ) i don't know what that means, but you are a doctor. what do they mean by late-term abortions, like, after birth or at birth? >> good response from the audience. ( laughter ) we have to call out president trump for what he is doing which is lying. i mean, what he is saying has no basis. ( cheers and applause ) what president trump is saying has no basis in medicine or reality. ( laughter ) and here are the facts -- about
99% of abortions occur before 21 weeks, and those that occur later in pregnancy are because something in the pregnancy has gone very wrong. these are extremely difficult, hugely personal and challenging circumstances that women and families find themselves in. >> trevor: right. >> and they deserve our compassion. and president trump is exploiting their pain for political gain, and i say to him, shame on you, president trump. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: i tell you this much, you are a doctor who is a woman who is running planned parenthood who finished college and is an immigrant. you are literally trump's nightmare. ( laughter ) so good luck on your journey. welcome to your new job. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: dr. leena wen, everybody. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪ what do you want?
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight, but before we go, greenville and north charleston, south carolina, i'm bringing my arena to your cities this weekend. hopefully i'll see you guys at the show. it's called loud and clear. we will be there, laughing together. if not, you know where to find me on monday. inow here it is... your moment of zen. >> one to have the nation's biggest suppliers of toilet
paper and kitchen rolls have been stockpiling, about 600 tons of toilets paper in u.k. warehouses in preparation for no-deal brexit. ( cheers and applause ) mks♪ ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪