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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 10, 2019 1:38am-2:15am PDT

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undeholding you back? qbrexza is the first and only once-daily prescription cloth towelette approved to treat excessive underarm sweating. also known as axillary hyperhidrosis. open one today and see what unfolds. (man vo) do not use qbrexza if you have certain medical conditions. qbrexza may cause new or worsening urinary retention, problems with control of your body temperature and blurred vision. the most common side effect reported was dry mouth. call your healthcare provider if you experience side effects. (woman vo) imagine how life can unfold. ask a dermatologist how you may reduce excessive underarm sweating with qbrexza.
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- welcome back to the only tv show that supports a travel ban for bachelorette parties. next week, the golf glove comes off.
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- fucking... - what the fuck did you say to me? - all right, you damn-- - don't you-- - here! get off of me! - are you done fucking yelling at me? - stop! - could be worse, could be unconscious on the side of the road in your complimentary buick, thanks to a cocktail of prescription drugs. check me out on the four majors of social media. our domain name is now for sale at my "tosh point show on campus tour" was by far the most financially and sexually successful college tour in the history of this show, and i am happy to report that my favorite school was i.u. in bloomington, indiana. that was a surprise. my least favorite school was university of louisville, despite the fact that the cookies from a place called please and thank you were out of this world. oh, so delicious. very underbaked. finally, fidget spinners. i think we can all agree there's absolutely nothing annoying about them, and they will definitely stand the test of time. i don't know why schools and workplaces are banning them; they are scientifically proven to increase productivity.
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in fact, i've started teaching a fidget spin class at my office. find your fucking fidget. one, two, one, two. spin! tilt it left. tilt it right. i know you feel like you're gonna die, but don't you also feel like you're gonna live? double time! double spin! [upbeat workout music] reverse spin! sign up for my class. it fills up early because i play great music, and, boy, do we sweat. all right, congratulations to the "tosh.0" worst employee of the week. good night! [cheers and applause] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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>> trevor: welcome, everybody! i'm trevor noah! thank you for coming out! ( cheers and applause ) let's get to it! our guest tonight is a world cup and olympic champion, she's written an empowering new book called "wolfpack." abby wambach is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, the mueller report is almost here. belgian chocolate is from pennsylvania pennsylvania, and the world's most complicated condoms. so catching up on today's headlines. ♪ first up, marc march madness, lt night was the final game to have
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the biggest tournament in college sports and ended in a comeback for the ages. >> now to the end of march madness, a year after becoming the first top seeded men's team to lose to number 16, virginia snagged the first title. the cavaliers won in a heart stopping fashion with an overtime thriller against texas tech. >> trevor: yes! congratulations, virginia! wow! it took more than a year, but you guys finally did it! you made the news for something other than racism! huh? ( laughter ) that wasn't so hard, was it? all yo you had to do is get some black men to work for free and, bam! racism done, baby! ( laughter ) ( applause ) and i must say congratulations to texas tech, they had an amazing run. honestly, the last game was really stacked against them. first of all, texas had to deal with ted cruz rooting for them. even worse, he was collecting all their sweaty towels. what are you going to do with
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those, ted? i have my reasons -- ( laughter ) i think the team would have done better if the coach hadn't recruited the coach's daughter becky as their power forward. i have no idea why he did that. a ( laughter ) moving on to 2020 election news. this changes everything. >> eric swalwell has become the 18th democrat running for president. california congressman making his bi big announcement on the "late show" with stephen colbert. swalwell says he's been thinking about entering the race for month. he says too many americans feel like they're just running place. >> i'm ready to solve these problems. i'm running for president of the united states. wheerpz. >> trevor: woo-hoo! oh, hell, yeah! you know, when there were only 17 candidates, i wasn't really interested, guys. but now that there are 18, i'm in. two more and we get a free car wash! ( cheers and applause ) but, yes, eric swalwell is joining the race. he's a congressman from california and also every guy who's ever played la crosse.
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so that brings the tally to 18 democratic candidates. look at all those faces, huh? look at all of those faces. ( laughter ) 18. and by the way, that doesn't even count joe biden who isn't running yet, though he's getting really close, like uncomfortably close. ( laughter ) so close he can smell it. ( laughter ) what's going to be really interesting is all these democrats are basically running on the same platform, so,, like, how are they going to differentiate themselves? the debate will be a competition in inflection. i support health compare for i've run! i support health care for everyone! i support health care for everyone! how about for the last guy? moving on to news coming out of washington. today congress held a hearing on white nationalism and racism in america. they were trying to figure out if it's a problem orbit. spoiler alert, it is. ( laughter ) you have to shut down the comments on the live stream of at the vents because it middle east filled up with white
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nationalism and racism. so that was not a good sign. though when democratic congressman jerry nadler told everyone what had happened, at least one of his republican colleagues wasn't convinced. >> one decided to stream, live chat had users, some who posted anti-semitic streams and argued white nationalism was not racism. they said it's a code. so this just illustrates part of the problem we're dealing with. >> could that be another hate hoax? just trying to keep an open mind. ( laughter ) >> trevor: just keeping an open mind. a hate hoax? racist comments on the internet are hate hoaxes? you know what's happened here, right? he thinks this is another jussie smollett. yeah. that's what it is. you see what you've done, jussie? now people are going to say
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every hate crime is a hoax, which we know is not true. we know this wasn't jussie, because if he set this internet hate hoax up, it would have been super obvious. the comments would be, like, white people will not be replaced just like "empire" should not replace jussie! if you love using condoms but they they're too easy to open, it might be from you. >> a new condom from an average argentinian brand emphasizes consent. >> it takes four hands to open it. >> consent pack. here you go. along the box four different buttons and in order to open it, one person must hit the two adjacent buttons, while the second person hits the other two. >> trevor: teaching men about consent is so hard we have to build saw puzzles instead.
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you want to play a little game? it's called respecting women. ( laughter ) i feel like this is going to cause a lot of broken hearts. it's a cool idea but imagine a guy you're really into takes you into his rooms and pulls out a little box and says, hey, baby, something i have been really meaning to ask you, will you help me open this box so we can smash? ( laughter ) i will say this is great for dudes, because if your sex doesn't last long, it would be technically the clock started when we were working on the box, so good night! all right, moving on to today's top story. ( cheers and applause ) the democrats are running nearly a dozen simultaneous investigation into president trump, on everything from his finances to whether he is the elusive creature known as sasquatch. ( laughter ) but at the top to have the democrats' list are three things they really want to see -- trump's tax returns, the full
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mueller report, and avengers end game. ( laughter ) because marvel doesn't mess afternoon, they're concentrating on the first two starting with taxes. last week the democrats used their new powers in the house to request trump's tax returns from the i.r.s. even though the democrats have the law on their side, this is the trump administration, right? they don't care about laws. they care as much about laws as gravity cares about your iphone screens. because of that mick mulvaney white house chief of staff and conservative john lennon have come out saying they ain't handing over shit. >> the white house is pushing back against the request for president trump's tax returns calling it a political stunt. >> you believe democrats will never see the president's tax returns. >> oh, no, never. nor should they. keep in mind, that was an issue litigated during the election. voters knew the president could have given his tax returns, they knew he didn't and elected him anyway which, of course, drives the democrats crazy. >> trevor: oh, that's next-level logic.
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pretty smart. he's saying because trump won the election, it means everyone in the country is fine with everything he did. which is not true. just because people voted with trump doesn't mean they like everything he came with. like when you buy cable and it comes with six months of starz. nobody's happy. just tell me what channel it's on so i can avoid it. starz, the spirit airlines of cable. ( laughter ) that argument is a lie. trump didn't run on never releasing his taxes. if you remember, he specifically said i will release them as soon as the audit is done. yeah. so by mulvaney's logic, you could argue people actually voted for trump to release his taxes. that's not why i voted for him. i voted for him to keep banging stormy daniels. so the democrats sent a letter to the i.r.s. demanding trump's tax returns, but first they have to go through steve mnuchin,
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trump's treasury secretary and middle aged mullhouse. but at a hearing on capitol hill today, mnuchin didn't sound like he's ready to comply. >> we did receive the request and, as i said in the parks when we received the request, it would be reviewed by our legal department, and it is our intent to follow the law, and that is in the process of being reviewed. it would be premature for me to comment specifically what they reviewing on or what they are not reviewing on. it is being reviewed by the legal department, and welike forward to responding to the letter. >> trevor: we will review the letter and review the review after that has been reviewed, but i'm not sure right now if we can talk about that at the moment. ( laughter ) if you don't speak rich nerd, let me translate. what he's saying is i ain't handing over shit!
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( laughter ) because, clearly, the trump administration's game plan is simple. they're just going to keep reviewing this request till trump isn't president anymore. the same technique girls used on me in school when i asked them to prom. so what do you think? um, let me review your request. let me think. we go to the dance, let me think, if i think about it, and -- oh! we graduated! sorry, trev! ( laughter ) so the truth sit might be a while before democrats see trump's taxes, but things are more promising when it comes to seeing the full mueller report, because today william barr, the attorney general and near-sighted fred flintstone, was also in congress and he dropped some i can't be ba dab ba news. >> attorney general william barr testified before members of the house appropriations committee, though he was not there to talk about his handling of special counsel robert mueller's report, he was still asked about it. >> my original timetable of being able to release this by
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mid april stands within a week. i will be in a position to release the report to the public. >> trevor: oh -- my -- god! the mueller report will be here in less than a week? i still have so much to do! i'm not ready! i have to paint the nursery, put the crib together. i don't even have a name yet. i'm thinking if the report is a boy, i will go with robert, obviously. and if the report is a girl, maybe after my grandmother? ( laughter ) before you get too excited about reading the full 400 page report, some things you know, like most to have the sex scenes in an in-flight movie the report will be heavily centered. >> barr promised to make public a redacted version soon. >> we will color code the excisions from the report and provide explanatory notes describing the basis for each
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redaction. so, for example, if a redaction is made because of a court order and a pending prosecution, we'll state that, and we will just -- we will distinguish between the various categories. >> trevor: oh... they're going with color-coded redactions. that's fansy. it makes sense. i mean, the government doesn't need to keep some things secret. a true government never tells. ha ha. ( laughter ) but i appreciate the color coding so at least we'll know why certain things will be kept a secret. so maybe it will be like green for ongoing investigations, and then red for grand jury testimony, and obviously yellow for details about the pee tape, which some people are hoping will be in the report. but, look, the truth is i don't know if people should get their hopes up for the full mueller report because, based on barr's letter, there's probably not going to be a chapter in there called impeachable stuff, okay? so for the democrats out there who are still hoping to have all their worst suspicions confirmed
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about trump once and for all, you might not be able to rely on the mueller report. luckily, though, there's a man named leo deblin with a report guaranteed to give you what you need. >> are you a trump hater that's mad about the mueller report? you gave that white man $30 million, he didn't even sign a parking ticket! you don't care about what's in the mueller report, you just want it to say what you already believe. and if you can believe it, i can achieve it. introducing the leo deblin deblin report, the only report guaranteed to say trump colluded with russia, and that's not only, the leo deblin deblin report says that trump is all the bad things you want him to be! he's a liar, a tax cheat, he's built like a baked potato. okay, here is my report. it says trump is also having an affair with a hamburger! and it don't stop at trump. for an additional fee, my report will say anything you want it to
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say! >> hey! you're cheating on me! >> no, baby, the deblin report says i'm not. >> that's right. my report would not only find people guilty, it will get you out of all kinds of stuff. don't forget robert mueller. get the report you deserve. leo deblin deblin report, it ain't but $85. you can get that from your momma. ♪ leo deblin deblin report ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everybody. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪ (vo) i know what you're thinking. electric, it's not for you.
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and, you're probably right. electric just doesn't have enough range. it will never survive the winter. charging stations? good luck finding one of those. so, maybe an electric car isn't for you after all. or, is it? ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ think fast! this week, carry out a large 2-topping pizza for just 5.99 only at pizza hut, when you order online. that's right, a large pizza for $5.99. hurry, because this deal ends monday. just another reason why... no one out pizzas the hut.
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we gather to celebrate a life... of relentless evil. and though i gave you a quick death, it was not mercy.
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it was ortho groundclear weed & grass killer. kill 'em all! new ortho groundclear. kills really fast, and it's organic friendly. speed you can trust. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, there was some news stories that help us understand the world we live in, and there are some news stories that are just stupid. for those, we turn to ronny chieng. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> thank you! america has a problem with food. you guys want your food to be cheap and fast, but also to be fresh and healthy. that's too many things. okay. you can't have both. it's like racial diversity at a ski lodge. it doesn't exist. and when americans don't get everything they expect with their food you end up with dpum lawsuits like this one. >> reports on a $5 million class action lawsuit that accuses godiva of misleading consumers.
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the chocolate is actually made in redding, pennsylvania. godiva says they're proud of their west secretary o chocolats the american spirit. >> i can give you money where you can show me belgium is on the map. ( laughter ) godiva, why are you tricking people about where your chocolate is from? nobody cares. you can say it was made in bernie sanders shoe and people would still eat it. people love chocolate so much that willy wonka killed kids and we didn't even care because he made chocolate. americans are so entitled. not only does cheap food has to be exotic, they want it observe organic, like this lady. >> a bronx woman suing t.g.i. fridays for $5 million claiming the restaurant's potato skin snacks are not actually potatoes. potatoes skin snacks come in bags sold in vending machines across the country. she said she wouldn't have made the purchase if the product
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didn't contain real potatoes. she claims the food is misbranded and not as healthy as the restaurant's popular advertiser. >> trevor: so i get where this lady is coming from. i would also be pissed because you can't call a snack potato skins if it doesn't have potatoes in it. imagine you got tickets to a beyonce concert and when you got there i came out. ( laughter ) you would be furious. why? because you're not ready for the jelly, uh! ( laughter ) still, how is this lady suing for $5 million? how much did she spend on these potato skins? $4? she gets the $4 back. here's a $10. go buy yourself 30 seconds of therapy. honestly, who is expecting food from t.g.i. fridays? they give you two appetizers, two entres and two desserts for 20 bucks. that's not a meal. that's a yard sale. again, we don't need a lawsuit. just give the lady her money back and, t.g.i. fridays, you can still call them potato
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skins, just put a question mark at the end. yeah, that way you're not just selling a snack, you're selling a mystery! ( laughter ) seriously, america, you can't keep suing everything, okay? just accept the fact that everyone is lying to you -- companies are lying to you, the government is lying to you, your wife is cheating on you with me. nothing the real, okay? you can't even trust water. >> a judge has given new life to a class action lawsuit accusing a company of selling water from wells and not springs. a rule that an amended complaint can proceed with complaints in eight state. poland spring parent company reiterated it's a meritless lawsuit and says the judge's decision doesn't undermine its confident. >> that's right, a woman is mad poland spring water comes from a well, not a spring. yeah, i just told the people in flint, michigan about this story and they said to go (~bleep ) yourself. ( cheers and applause ) seriously!
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the school actually thinks poland spring water comes from a spring in poland. you also think your as a matter water went to m.i.t.? it's all marketing. although, to be fair, cvs water comes from cvs, local from the cvs break roomtoilet. i think america would have fewer lawsuits if people were more skeptical about what they put in their bodies in the first place. if you ask me, people are using it as a scheme to get rich, which is why i'm joining in it trevor, i'm suing you. consider yourself served. >> trevor: why? >> because the food you left in the fridge wasn't organic and i almost didn't finish it? you ate my lunch, ronny! >> trevor, we'll let the courts decide. >> trevor: ronny chieng, we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
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♪ hmmm all these websites say it's normal to start shaving at age 15. ♪ i'm a man ♪ i spell m-a-n, man, aww, man ♪ ♪ i spell m-a-n, man, aww, man ♪ ♪ i spell m-a-n, man, aww, man ♪
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who's already won three cars, two motorcycles, a boat, and an r.v. i would not want to pay that insurance bill. [ ding ] -oh, i have progressive, so i just bundled everything with my home insurance. saved me a ton of money. -love you, gary! -you don't have to buzz in. it's not a question, gary. on march 1, 1810 -- [ ding ] -frédéric chopin. -collapsing in 226 -- [ ding ] -the colossus of rhodes. -[ sighs ] louise dustmann -- [ ding ] -brahms' "lullaby," or "wiegenlied." -when will it end? [ ding ] -not today, ron. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." tonight is a two -- my guest tonight is a two-time olympic gold medalist and fifa women's world cup champion. she's also an activist and best-selling author, whose latest book is called "wolfpack: how to come together, unleash our power, and change the game." please welcome abby wambach.
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: all for you. >> thank you! standing ovation. you have an amazing audience. you pay them well! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: yes, they will be receiving that money i promised them. ( laughter ) welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: congratulations on the book. let's talk about the book because it really speaks about everything that you've done in your life and everything that we deal with. many people know you as a really successful soccer player who, in many ways, led the u.s. women's soccer team to some of its greatest victories. your head in the world cup in brazil is one of the most famous ones. ( cheers and applause ) but the conversations in this book speak about many of the conversations people are still having today about women's
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soccer in the u.s. and that is why is the women's team not getting paid what they're owed. in other words, equal pay for the work that they are doing. >> you know, i really feel this is a true discrimination lawsuit that they've just filed against u.s. soccer, and i'm proud to be supporting them, but here's the thing, the big argument that i hear is the men's team brings in more money and, of course, that's why they should deserve to make nor. not true. in 2015 the women's team brought in $6.6 million and the men's team only brought in two. >> trevor: in you look at the book it's based on a commencement speech that went viral because it connected with so many people, and one of the quotes in the book reminds me of what you said in that speech, and that was, when you were looking at yourself on the stage at the espies, it was yourself and kobe bryant and peyton manning. you were honored as legends in
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your field. you walked off the stage and at a very specific quote. >> wow, all three of us are walking into very different retirements. on stage, i was feeling this immense amount of gratitude, we women had finally made it, you know. what i realized when i walked off stage is that's basically the emotion that women are granted to feel when they are given an award, this idea of just being grateful. so for me, writing this book and trying to unpack some of these moments in my life that taught me things, that might is when i dedicated and promised myself i would dedicate myself for the rest of my life to fight for equality whether equal pay in my sport and my team but also for every woman in every industry because this is a fight that is necessary, and it's not necessary just because women deserve it, it's necessary for all people everywhere, right, because our world feels like -- i mean, you talk about all the things that seem to be on fire, that seem to be going wrong, and i believe that women having more access to the tables where decisions are made, that will
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help this world to be better. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: it really is interesting that you bring that up because there have bee -- this is an interesting part of the book. it's a beautiful anecdote. you go, "recently, on a call with a company hiring me to teach about leadership, the man said, excuse me, abby, i just need to ensure that what you present is applicable to men, too. i said, good question, but only if you ask every male speaker you hire if his message is applicable to women, too ." which is a really powerful thing you don't think about. people will be, like, do the men understand women leadership? >> well, also, this was, like, a women leadership conference i was going to. >> trevor: oh, wow. >> so, like, so this dude to say this on the call, and i'm saving him from actually putting this company out in his name, but the reality is, like, these micro-aggressions happen all the time. >> trevor: right. >> and i think what we need to start doing is becoming aware of
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what these micro-aggressions are. that's what this whole book is about. and then having the courage and the language to be able to counteract some of these things that we are interacting with in everyday life. so me asking him that very question, my wife is the best at this, she's, like, just flip the scenario, put yourself in their position. >> trevor: yes. >> and if it is not equal, then that is prejudice. >> trevor: right. >> that is treating somebody less than. >> trevor: there's a part of the book where you specifically say, hey, if you are a man reading this book, i hope you realize this is a book that's for you as well, this is a message we all have to engage in. you speak specifically about the wolves in yellowstone. it's a story many people know or don't know. in yellowstone, they were struggling with overpopulation of deer. the deer were eating everything. they had no predator to they said we need to introduce wolves. >> the river stop running. the scientists decided thailtd reintroduce wolves into the national yellowstone park ecosystem and soon enough the
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wolves displaced the deer through hunting and then the vegetation grew back and the river banks started to strengthen and then the river started to run again and, so, when i was giving the speech at barnard last may, i was hopele these barnard graduates would get the connection between what the wolves were experiencing -- you know, wolves were a threat to the system, and they ended up being the salvation of this dying ecosystem, and so, too, can we, as women, be the salvation of what's happening in our system right now. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: it's a really beautiful message. it's a powerful book. i'm excited for the journey that you're going to be on. thank you so much for being on the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: "wolfpack" is available now! it's a really fun read. abby wambach, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ hahahahahaha. hahaha.
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