tv The Daily Show Comedy Central August 2, 2019 1:40am-2:15am PDT
ts of the wakichaw indians can finally rest in peace. all: thank you, stan. - stan, i was wrong about you. would you like to go out again? - go ahead, stan, she's everything you ever wanted. - there you are, boys. - mom, dad. - where the hell have you guys been? - we got a little held up at the time-share sales office. - yeah, but the good news is, we finally came to our senses and brought some shares in a condo. so we all get to come to aspen for two weeks every year. all: aww. - what's the matter, didn't you boys like skiing? - no, we can't keep track of when you pizza and when you french fries. and when the hotshot asshole skier takes your girl, if you're supposed to race him the first time, or train first to beat him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky, but hot girl's youth center. skiing sucks! - yeah, what a stupid sport. - i heard that you were the one responsible for making tad lose the race. thanks. - yeah, well, he really flipped when he saw these.
- uhhhgg... - start the reactor. - ♪ talking away ♪ i don't know what i'm to say ♪ ♪ i'll say it anyway ♪ today's another day to find you ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the
daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out! yeah, that's right. take a seat. man, you guys are amazing. our guest tonight is one of the stars of the hit netflix show "orange is the new black." diane guerrero is joining us, everybody. going to be a really great conversation. but before we get into that, the second round of the democratic debates are officially over. and it was long. it was contentious. and it was the closest we'll ever see a u.f.c. match set in a retirement home. but now that the debates are over, we can catch up on some of the other news stories that got swallowed up by the debate because there's so much other news we don't cover when the debates are happening. so that means it's time for another edition of "in other news." ( cheers and applause ) let's kick it off with something fun. cab drivers in new york are used to seeing some crazy things happen in their backseats, but this next story is easy at the top of the list.
>> a cab driver could moon light as a midwife after helping a couple welcome their baby girl into the world right in their car. >> luis leonardo could not predict the drama that unfolded in his backseat. >> pick up two, drop off three, as simple as that. >> cameras were recording as they always do, when they picked up a couple in bushwick, the woman in labor. and with the baby breathing, the couple wrapped her in a blanket, and luis kept on drive. >> damn! >> trevor: damn! ( applause ) you do realize that was the first word that baby heard, "damn!" and i hope the parents give that guy five stars because i'm just happy when high driver offers me, like, a mint and a phone charger. this guy was cutting umbilical cords. and even though this might not be the ideal plan for these parent, you have to admit, after being born in a cab, that kid can handle anything in life.
unlike those other babies that are born in, like, a bathtub while inia is playing in the background. i'm allergic to gluten. waah! this is a really baby. the only thing that taxi baby is going to be allergic to is people who drive ( bleep ) slow. "i'm crawling over here! what are you, a baby?" ( applause ) but let's move on. because if you think a baby being born in a backseat is the weirdest procreation story you'll hear all week, you might want to think again. >> there had been reporting on accused sex trampesque jeffrey epstein, first from the "new york times" that he believed he could improve the population of the world by feeding the race with his d.n.a. >> epstein owns a sprawling ranch in new mexico. according to reports he wanted to use the ranch for controlled breeding, using his d.n.a. to improve humanity. he surrounded himself with leading scientists and would
tell them he wanted to have 20 women impregnated at a time on the branch. >> trevor: first off, jeffrey epstein's sperm ranch is by far the worst flavor of salad dressing i ever heard of. ( laughter ) and, secondly, why is it that the people who want to spread their d.n.a. are always the last people who should be spreading their d.n.a.? ( applause ) always. ( cheers ) because, because nobody-- nobody's ever looked at jeffrey epstein and been like, "yeah, we need 20 million more of this guy." yeah, like, how many idris elba doesn't have a sex ranch, huh? i'd go! i'd go! and don't say, "oh, trevor, idris elba can't get a man pregnant." well, i'm willing to find out. when it started out this jeffrey epstein stfers already appalling but now every day it keeps getting more and more strange. because not only did jeffrey epstein want to populate the world with his d.n.a.,
apparently, he also told people after he dies he wants to be cryogenically frozeep. he said he wanted to freeze his head specifically and get this his penis. completely true. when doesn't make sense. now you have a head and a penis and no body? how is that going to work? are you going to attach the peen tois your forehead like a flasher unicorn? i don't get why you'd want to freeze your penis. have you seen what happens to a penis that's been cold for, like, two minute. i don't think it will hold ng cy frozeep after 100 years. "all right, i ate that bacon wrap, now where is my penis? what? why are you guys lookag the me weird? is there something on my face?" while jeffrey epstein's breeding compound is super gross, the idea about repopulating the earth might not have been a crazy idea because apparently we came pretty close to saying
bye-bye. >> an asteroid passed cloar to the earth than the moon and nobody saw it coming. asteroid 20190k was undetected as it hurdled towards earth at 15 miles per second. before flying past, nasa says it was just 45,000 miles away from earth on thursday. scientists say they missed because it was coming from the direction of the sun. >> trevor: wait, what? scientists midded an asteroid headed toward the earth because it was coming from the direction of the sun? so we all could have died because these scientists didn't do this? ( laughter ) like, they're all coming from the sun. ( applause ) and you know what's even worse, what's even worse is now these scientists have told everyone. so now all the asteroids know the earth's blind spots. asteroids are going to be telling each other, "if we
approach the earth from the direction of the sun, they'll never see us coming! why do asteroids sound like germans? the question is why do germans sound like asteroids? now the scientists say this asteroid wouldn't have been big enough to destroy the earth, but it could have wiped out the a normal-sized democratic debate. and i really hope scientists don't miss this kind of thing again because if an asteroid is coming, we all need to know. as human beings we need ton so we can get crazy in the street, rioting, partying. that's the best part of an asteroid. you're like, "we're going to die" and you go crazy and kiss whoever is on the bus next to you. aaahhh! i'm going to die. aaahh! all right, this is messed up. ( laughter ) and i-- look, i know i sound crazy when i keep seeing this, but, guys, i think god sangry with us. there have been two earthquakes in california. there have been floods on the east coast. then heat waves and now an astroid missed us by this much,
this much. and you might be like, "oh, trevor that doesn't prove anything." what about this? >> ? >> in las vegas scientists said the weather has been a factor in bringing on an invasion of grasshoppers. >> it's an insect invasion. a 24/7 onslaught of grasshoppers that really sticks with you. >> what the heck? you're covered in locusts. you're covered in them. >> for many, the first impression felt downright biblical, a migrating hoard of bugs so big, you could even see them from space. >> trevor: okay, can we agree, god is definitely pissed off. and of course he's going to hit vegas first. it's sin city! the women are all naked. the men are all blue! it's against god's plans, people! and the grasshopper invasion is super gross. although there is a small chance it wasn't an invasion.
it could have been one grasshopper at her bachelorette party. one last swing before the ring. the last part of the story is the ugandans saw this story online and this blew up on ugandan twitter. because, apparently, in uganda, these grass hoppers are a delicacy. this is completely true. ugandans were laughing at americans. they're like, "we will come there to help you take over the problem." which is amazing. ( applause ) and you might think that's crazy, but, basically, it would be like if white people heard that ugandan had a plague of sushi. you'd be on the first plane flying over. in other news, if i were to ask you in the audience what do you think is the biggest problem the american government should rolf right now? anyone? climate? health care? trump? well, you're all wrong. but if you said instagram, then the senate has got your back >> a new senate bill may
ultimately affect how much you spend when it comes to time on social media. it's the it's called "the social media addiction reduction technology act, "or "smart act" for short. it is being introduced to fight social media addiction. it will crack down on practices used by social network sites to keep you online longer, and that floridas features like infinite scrolls for newsfeeds and auto play for videos. >> trevor: that's right, a republican senator is proposing a new law to try to curb social media addiction. and you have to admit that it is becoming a real problem. social media is messing with our brains. like yesterday, my buddy told me something that i liked, and i just tapped her twice on the forehead. it's a problem. ( laughter ) now the senator's bill-- ( laughter ) has suggested a few things like limits for apps, like how much time you can spend on them, which is fine. but i have a few suggestions which i think will be way more
effective. i was thinking how about for every half hour you scroll online your phone tweets out a picture of what you look like when you're spending all too time scrolling. that's what that should be. or here's another thing, if you want to get people off instagram, we'll mack a new feature where we say sever everything picture on your feed has to be a seminude photo of both of your parents. ah! you see, you're logging off already. yeah. and i know what you're thinking, "i don't have any seminude photos of my parents." well, i do, i'll send them to you. and finally, in other news, here's one pretty big story that got buried because of the a story about an american president who is racist. and, no, it's not the one you'po recordings have surfaced of a phone conversation nearly a half century ago between president nickelodeon and future president ronald reagan. >> president richard nixon recorded himself talking to then-california governor ronald reagan in october 1971, the day
after the united nations voted to recognition the people's republic of china. reagan had phoned nixon at the white house to vent his frustration at african delegates who celebrated the vote: ( laughter ) >> the ronald reagan presidential foundation said, "if he said that 50 years ago, he shouldn't have, and he would be the first person to apologize." >> trevor: he would be the first person-- you should be the only person to apologize. what does that mean? it would be weird if we was like, "well, i'll apologize, but only if those monkeys apologize first." what a strange thing to say. also they're like, "if he said"-- there's a recording! he said the thing. so now that that recording has come out ronald reagan will have to be canceled which is going to be hard because life canceled him first. it takes a lot of work to cancel a dead person, you have to hold
a seance, summon their spirit back. ronald reagan, we have called to tell you "bye, felicia." now ronald reagan officially has a racist asterisk next to his name. woodrow wilson was a segregationist. andrew jackson wiped out native americans. thomas jefferson had sex with his slaves. and george h.w. bush shot tupac. you yeah, i said it. prove me wrong. on the one hand, it is disturbing that america has a history of racist presidents, but look on the bright side-- it also means donald trump is more presidential than we thought. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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hanes comfort flex fit with a breathable pouch. that...and probably this. (yells) hanes comfort flex fit. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." it's no secret that black people have contributed so much to american culture: dance, jazz, presidents who aren't embarrassing. there may be one contribution that may be bigger than the rest. for more on that, we turn to roy wood jr. for another edition of "cp time." ♪ ♪ ( applause ) > >> welcome to "cp time," the only show that's for the culture. today, we're going to talk about
hip-hop. and i mean real hip-hop, not this new-school trap mumble rap where you can't understand what they're saying. hubba-da-hubba-da. vicodin. hubba-da-hubba-da. percocet hubba-da-hubba-da. that's not lyrics. that's the sound fred flintstone's feet make when he's driving off. no, today, we're going to talk about old-school hip-hop, legends like dj kool herc. grandmaster flash, run-d.m.c., and, of course, my short-lived group, "regular roy and the trapezoids," who broke up right after we took that picture. had a huge argument over what exactly a trapezoid is. didn't record a single track. kiss my ass, leroy. ( laughter ) tonight, let's discuss some of the seminole moments in the birth of hip-hop, starting with the 40th anniversary of "rapper's delight," the first commercially successful rap song. "rapper's delight" got everyone rapping.
n fact, thanks to "rapper's delight," hip-hop went so mainstream, it even led to stuff like this: ♪ and every rapping cat i know drinks miller light ♪ ain't that so? ♪ >> thankfully, hip-hop survived that commercial, but barely. now, "rappers delight" might be reason rap went commercial. but what gave hip-hop its flavor was undiewbitably was the sound of the record scratch. a lot of people don't know this, but the record scratch was actually invented by accident. a young d.j. by the name of grand wizard theodore was practicing in his room when his mother came in and he stopped the record with his hand, which led to this... ( record scratch ) that's right. that sound was accidentally created by a young black man trying to avoid an ass-whooping and now it's the signature of hip-hop. it's also the sound of when some
shit gone wrong. the condom had a role hoel in it ( scratching record ) what do you mean that wasn't beef? ( record scratching ) ( laughter ) you may be a dentist, but that ain't my mouth ( record scratching ) ( laughter ) but before you could scratch on the turntaib, you needed a turntable, and that was one of the biggest obstacles for aspiring hip-hop d.j.s. turntables were too expensive. luckily in 1977, an act of god changed the course of black history. a massive blackout hit nawrntion, and in the ensuing chaos, over 1,000 stores were looted. now, i'm not going to be the one to say that black people had anything to do with it. but let's just say, the next day there were a bush of brand-new d.j.s in new york city. now, before you judge those people who looted on that fateful day, remember that looting can lead to some
beneficial side effects. black people looted, and now we have hip-hop. white people looted and now we have museums. ( laughter ) you know damn well those mummies didn't just walk themselveses into that museum. ( applause ) now, that historic night in '77, my uncle also took part in the looting. but because of the darkness, he couldn't identify when he was taking. he thought he stole two turntables. turns out it was two lazy susans. ( record scratching ) he never did become a d.j., but he could pass the hell out of some ketchup. that's all the time we have for today. but before we go, i want to make peace with the trab zoids. leroy, if you're watching this tonight, i'm sorry that i said a trapezoid was just a square with an attitude. and also i'm sorry for having sex with your wife. well, this has been "cp time." and, remember, we're for the culture.
( applause ) ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: roy wood jr., everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) to present the flavor we've all been waiting for, the hazelnut spread m&m's spokescandy! (clapping) (audience gasps) oh my what did you do?? (giggles) we ate him. at pure leaf, real tea leaves we blend the finest tea leaves i'm alex white, pure leaf tea master. our thing is tea.
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everybody has a great story to tell, and our job as producers is to help pull that story out. my name is taylor, and i am a producer for tv and podcasts. the whole production is on my surface laptop. it's very powerful, and just speeds up your whole day. i always have at least 4 or 5 programs open on my computer. i do need to be able to work everywhere. 16+ hour days are pretty common, so i need a long battery life. it feels weird to be on this side of the camera for sure. [laughs] ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an activist, an author, and actor who can currently be seen in the netflix series "orange is the new
black." >> okay, i need you to tell me that it's okay for me to visit him in l.a. >> but you can't leave the state. >> but i like him so much. i'm having feelings i haven't had in a long time. this is the first time i felt like a real person since i got out. >> they randomly check up on you, right? and if you're not where you're supposed to be, they can send you back, right? >> i know. i know that. but can't i have a weekend where i just-- where i don't feel like a ( bleep ) criminal? like, i already did my time okay. i deserve a weekend away with him. >> trevor: please welcome diane guerrero. ( cheers and applause ) >> all right! >> trevor: welcome back to the the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: and congratulations on the final season of "orange is the new black." >> yes. >> trevor: arguably, the show that invented binging. >> absolutely.
>> trevor: yeah. >> i'm glad to be part of that history. you're welcome. >> trevor: but it's true. ( applause ) it's true. it really was, like, the first show where netflix-- before that, netflix was where people picked up things here and there. "orange is the new black" came out, and it was a show about women's prison, and it showed all of the challenges, and people just binged the entire series. why do you think the show has connected with so many different people? >> well, i mean, what the show has tried to do is humanize people's story-- people's stories, people, especially, that have been labeled as criminals, that have been sort of cast away by this label, people who have been affected inherently by this racist and unjust system. and people deserve those real stories. and, honestly, it was the first time we got to see a ton of people of color on screen, and people were really excited about that. ( applause ) >> trevor: it was really a groundbreaking and is a
ground breaking show. your character, maritza, connected with so many people. especially in this season, we saw her-- we're watching the show, and your character gets released on parole and then encounters a different part of america's system and that's deportation. >> trevor: like, that was-- that was, like, a big story, not just for the show, but for you to tell. why? >> yeah, well, you see how immigrants kind of have to pay double sentences, right? you pay your dues to society. you-- you know, people make tons of money off you by you being in jail. and then-- and then you pay a secon sentence by being thrown back into a detention center and then ultimately deported. >> trevor: right. >> we saw that with maritza and so many of the other characters on "orange is the new black." >> trevor: you weren't originally going to come back on the show. you have been doing other shows and spreading your wings. but what was wonderful to read is why you went back to "orange is the new black." and that is because maritza's
story connected with yours. you wrote a book, a beautiful book, a mom wor about how you came home at 14 and your parents had been deported. and that changed your life. >> and the people i worked with inspired me to tell my story. to use my voice in this way. seeing the way people were being affected by hearing these stories, by empathizing with these stories, i felt a sort of a duty to share mine, and the fact that "orange"-- i don't know, i mean, i don't know if i was an example or if-- if... i'm glad that they took this opportunity to talk about this issue. >> trevor: we've watched you as a characteruc and then we started seeing you live that story in real life. you started becoming an activist speaking to the issues we saw
your character portray. the why of it is what makes it so important. >> the reason why these laws were put in place is because we have disconnected from humanity, right! if you don't know what is going on out there, when you don't know how people are living, then you are most likely going to just let these inhumane practices continue going on. >> trevor: right. there is a conversation in america right now about who america is and what america is. what i have enjoyed about your story is you have told it with nuanced. you can be an american who is also an immigrant. you can be an american who is an immigrant. irish-american, italian american, et cetera. when we look at your story going forward, we see an activist.
what is exciting that is not in the world of activism, having a good time and let loose. >> having a good time? i don't know. i don't know what that's like. look, i think for a long time even when i shared my story and came here and talked about my book, i was still holding on to that shame of having my parents separated, that i actually lived through that. and, honestly, like, this is the power of community. since this season has come out, since we have actually witnessed atrocities that are going on at the border, and we're seeing actual human lives being destroyed, i feel like i have so much more support, and i'm incentivize to continue going. i want to tell more immigration stories until the cows come home. i don't care. people ask me, "are you afraid of being pigeonholed?" i'm not
i-- i want to tatell more i want to have fun. >> >> trevor: i love to take a few trips. fight for people at the border. and come back and be a guest on "the daily show." >> and talk about it. and, yeah, and maybe be a little less nervous. >> trevor: we're the ones who should be nervous. you've got an amazing story and you're doing fantastic work. thank you so much from being on the show. all seven seasons of "orange is the new black" are available on netflix right now. the amazing diane guerrero, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) steady the elbow.shoot me one? ♪ ♪ ahh boom shaka laka. feisty. ♪ ahh
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ooohhhh ♪ gatorade. packs carbs to refuel and electrolytes to replenish so you can bring the heat. nothing beats gatorade. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you story tuning in. stay tuned for "lights out with david spade" which is coming up next. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> reagan didn't have a racist bone in his body. >> ronald reagan was called a racist. he was very elegant speaker. he was a gentleman. >> i knew this man well for a really long time, and i can tell you he did not have a racist bone in his body. >> ronald reagan is racist. i'm racist. ed's racist. dave the cameraman is racist.