tv The Greg Gutfeld Show FOX News May 20, 2018 1:00am-2:00am PDT
american way. the greg gutfeld show is coming up next. i will see you next saturday night here in new york. >> this time i will keep that the ball clear to the moon. >> in this case it's kim jong-un and holding the football and president trump, not charlie brown, left swinging in the air. as it has happened so many times before. greg: thank you for explaining that you idiots. [laughter] it was a word that ripped a hole in the universe.
>> laurel, laurel, laurel, laurel. greg: so, was it yanni or laurel? we asked the experts. >> we will do the laurel and yanni debate with three -year-old twins. we are going to press play and see who hears what. >> laurel. >> yanny. >> laurel. >> yanny. >> no, it's laurel spirit no, it yanny. [laughter] greg: it will lead to war. this got to be such a big deal even the white house got involved. >> it's laurel. i could divert to yanny.
>> how do you respond? >> you are getting your information from cnn because that's fake news. all i hear is yanny. [laughter] greg: here is the thing. that video about laurel and yanny now becomes a laurel and yanny itself meaning if you like a trump you'll actually laugh but if you are a host at cnn you will say how can you laugh when children don't have socks. the silly audio puzzle may be the greatest metaphor for media bias ever. think about this when trump says something what do you hear, a joke, but the media hears racism. when you hear trump describe ms 13 as animals what did the media here? >> the president of the united states saying these are not people but animals. >> it's a disgusting way to talk
about human beings. >> he does things like call immigrants animals. >> he was just talking about ms 13. good enough? >> no, not good enough. it's a slippery slope when you dehumanize people. it's what the nazis did. [laughter] greg: but she is the model of stability. >> how should i spell democracy? backup you create. i will use the line. it annoys me. i'm through with your smirking and laughing. oh happy day. i've made my point. [laughter] greg: the media gets it wrong but why should they care, trump is mean and evil and he's like doctor jekyll and mr. hyde minus the doctor jekyll, essentially he is just mr. hyde but this is what happens when you're so consumed by trump hate that you can't think straight.
recently the daily collar as people who would you rather date? a felon or a trump supporter? the majority said phelan. [laughter] now, they are lying for the great thing about surveys is you can do that if they really meant it they would head to a local prison, go straight to death row and snuggle a serial killer. you will die but you showed trump. [laughter] the media is worth. here is a tweet from john harwood. he is right, ms 13 are human but john, so was hitler. so was charles manson, jeffrey dahmer, carrot top. [laughter] when you your fact applies to everyone it's no longer meaningful. yes, he killed your family for both of you enjoyed "star wars". that does not work. nancy disagrees. >> when the president of the
united states says about undocumented immigrants these aren't people but these are animals you have to wonder does he not believe in the spark of divinity that every person is worth it? [crowd boos] greg: i just realized the ms in ms 13 stance port misunderstood. [laughter] keep talking. i want to keep talking because if this is the direction the democrats want to go reelect trump now and you're becoming the cartoon we always thought you were but at least the media is coming to grips with their own delusions. >> i do think that we have to acknowledge that there is so much happening more in the world than donald trump and we in the media are essentially all trump all the time. my wife and i find ourselves our
pillow talk is about trump. >> i am a trump addict. i can admit that. all roads lead to jump right now. greg: he's addicted to trump but the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. [laughter] now there is a place to kick the habit. >> we have heard about it through the media. >> we have to acknowledge there's a much more happening in the world than donald trump. >> but the first step to healing is admitting it. >> i am a trump addict. >> before it is too late. >> my wife and i find that our pillow talk is about trump. >> that's right. it is terrible. now there is hope to the brian stelter home for the trump addicted. we understand the need for safe space to talk about your unhealthy obsession with the president. >> i have not slept in 483 days. >> what about you? >> i watch these trump rallies on the tv and it seems like the more fun they have, the angrier i get. >> well, the good news as this
is not a real medical condition so [bleep] grow a pair and get on with your lives. feel better now? >> little bit. little bit. [laughter] >> you can stop whining forever. [applause] greg: all right. like every other week the media changes its words and overlooks the deeds. it is frustrating. they been obsessing over russian collusion but it should give away. you know what the collision story really is for the media? it's like the press and bought a roasted chicken on a sunday and by tuesday they are down to nothing but bones and gristle.
true, the roast chicken of collusion is bear and they've only if only the media had a roasted chicken collusion regenerator. >> you are on in five minutes. >> i know for my russian collusion chicken, look, it's always gone. how will i talk about russia without my delicious rotisserie chicken of russian collusion? >> you don't have the regenerator? >> no, tell me more. >> it's right over there. >> how does it work? >> it uses hysteria conviction technology to regrow your collusion chicken. it ensures that there's always fresh meat to the story. it even comes in a compact disc unit for companies that rely on russian collusion chicken for their day-to-day business. >> here we go, 30 seconds. >> that is fresh collusion chicken. >> you know what they say, give a man a roast chicken, he will collude for a day. if you give them a regenerator, he will collude for a lifetime. >> order now and will throw in a free stormy daniels spatula.
[laughter] greg: i'm pretty sure i was not high when i came up with that. let's welcome tonight guess. he's got more tale than a petting zoo, author of up in the air walter kern. [cheering and applause] if you are feeling blue seek out doctor drew, host of the radio show, doctor drew pinsky. [cheering and applause] her favorite children's book is the omen, national review reporter kat sims. [cheering and applause] and his favorite snack is the actual milky way, former wwe former star and my massive sidekick, tyrus. [cheering and applause] greg: water, you been traveling
the country and i have not seen you for months and i am sure you don't know what i'm talking about with the laurel but what do you take about the gulf between the media and the public you have just seen? >> okay. in late february i left on an eight week road trip across the south and southwest. i determined that i would watch the news and not on the internet and not listen to the radio. the last words i heard before leaving were stormy daniels and robert mueller. eight weeks away and i turned back on the radio and the first words i heard were robert mueller and stormy daniels. [laughter] i call myself trump and winkle. [laughter] apparently except for aging slightly america is doing exactly the same thing every day which is a blessing about non- stories while north korea d new crisis, the radio gets ripped up and that's not just some news
other but the biggest news of our lifetime. [laughter] greg: don't go away anymore. doctor drew, let's get to -- this laurel in yanny thing, explains everything in life and that scares me. you might agree with me. >> i do agree with you. you're a scott adams accolade who pointed that out that said there's a tear in the universe that points out that we can both all hear the same thing and listen to the same thing in here to completely different things. the ms 13 discussion was a perfect example of that. people get heated about it. it's weird to me. you saw those -- i'm telling you the metaphor that i like even better that you pointed out a minute ago was trump addiction. i don't know if you want to get into that but the media needs to go cold a trump. there's no other way. no other way to deal with it.
[cheering and applause] greg: you are the expert. >> their life is falling apart and there's progression and -- >> if you go cold turkey without giving your life over to a higher power you are just going to be angry, frustrated and resentful. >> no, though be a dry trump. and so, the dry trump may be worse than the. [inaudible conversations] greg: i'm amazed this is the first time that word has been uttered together. there is a higher power and i don't know that could beat lismore in. cat, what do you make of the media and this whole kerfuffle, if you will over animals? kat: it so interesting because so many in the media wake up trying to figure what negative story can i put out there about trump. this week the best they could do was that he thanks that gang members are not good people. i always thought that if someone rapes a bunch of people and rips their limbs off and murders them that it's not a big deal if you don't like that person. i really always thought that that wasn't controversial but
apparently it is. greg: no, no, you are being judgmental. how dare you call rapist and murders animals. tyrus, bring it home. tyrus: first of all, i got to see him on his trip and he looked like he had and in trouble like it was weird and scary. he came to my house and i was like you're a murderer and you look weird. he didn't watch the news or anything but we watched johnson he talked during the whole movie. no, no, this is what is so great about him. i didn't mind it. he was explaining and this part is he's chasing his moby mac and i was like i get -- he basically narrated it does for me. when he left i said he looks like a filthy animal so, you know, ms 13 -- [inaudible conversations] tyrus: i just think that we live in a world today that is sad or
good and i don't know if i was ms 13 i am apparently a better person than the president but i guess that's cool in certain used to be frowned upon. if i wrote on my job avocation to ms 13 i would not do the job and probably some men in uniform would show up. now -- >> now they talk about your spark of humanity. tyrus: and give me a hug. let's all get together and hug and see how that works out. greg: i am the spark plug of humanity. coming up, another shooting
look at you. this tech stuff is easy. [ whirring sound ] you want a cookie? it's a drone! i know. find your phone easily with the xfinity voice remote. one more way comcast is working to fit into your life, not the other way around. greg: another deadly school shooting in this time santa fe, texas. let's assess how we assess this. to me, i hate to say it but it's laurel versus yanny yet again. the any we have too many guns in the tube and some if not all. the laurel, you never get rid of guns but since good guys with guns protect us from bad guys with guns we need more armed security. it's too many guns versus not enough. we can keep going on this merry-go-round forever or admit that we are going nowhere.
why not choose another way? you want sensible gun control without infringing on the rights how about a system that tags cycles were considered high risk by authorities in teachers. that is gun control that does not affect all of us just the nuts like this recent snowball. meanwhile, schools should start hiring way more trained armed personnel. one variable that reduces injury is time. the duration between the first gun being fired and the arrival of the second gun, the more you reduce the duration the more you reduce casualties. that is a compromise. as for the media be aware that you are blanket coverage of a symbolic gesture meant for infamy does not help. it only creates more incentive to unleash such ghastly gestures in this latest shooter picked up tips from the past. where did he learn them from? us. so, doctor drew, you deal with a
lot of pathology and a lot of psychology and what kind of problem is this in your mind? >> these are different things. each one is a different problem but i spoke to a kid or a young adult today who was almost one of these shooters and he said he had been physically abused and emotionally abused by his mom and his dad abandoned him and he got bullied so he felt that was the recipe for some of these kids. we have come through a period in this country were every childhood experiences are exceedingly common. add bowling to that in a certain kind of asperger's and other mental illnesses and you had access to guns and i don't know if you heard the press conference today but the governor and the lieutenant governor in ted cruz sounded like you. they said they were saying some of the things he said just now. greg: they listen to me. >> i do. i feel that this was in texas and the fact that the gun laws
in texas and later spoke with such clarity about we have to do something about accessing get better security there were two armed guards in that school. greg: here's a problem with the schools in texas like this, they are huge. it's not like new york or philadelphia where it's one entrance and exit but you have all that land and all that land it is hard. how's the security at your son's school? >> the security amazon school does not exist. the security at fox news is much better. now, not to hurt anybody on the panel here but i am most concerned about you and tyrus taking care of yourself that i am about 500 teenagers in a school. why don't we have check-in, checkpoint, security of the kind that manhattan office building staff at schools. greg: i agree. >> we did not use to have that in airports. [applause] greg: our audience, i frisked personally. [laughter] tyrus. tyrus: i know that we had a talk about the skin already. greg: that's true, that's true but all right, we should not be
joking. [inaudible conversations] tyrus: to walters point we have to be preemptive and we have to get ahead of this thing and unfortunately this is about the fourth time in the show we had to talk about this and it's the same thing. we need fences and we need dogs and we don't just need to armed guards in a 16th football sized school. we need teams. just like 911 wenner airport hit we the airport exchange. you can go to school the same way. it needs to be preemptive. first responders did the best they could and they are amazing but something has to happen for them to respond and that first shot is fired before they can save the day. we can easily -- we did it with her airports and we did it with our concerts and schools so let's put a bill together. it's national security issue in
my opinion protecting our kids and we can put it together and were putting the ball under borders and walls around the schools. get money together and let's get this done. greg: soft targets. let me get kat in here. what this comes down to is make more laws, more security and i would question whether libertarian is okay with that. kat: you have to be careful in terms of how effective it would actually be. a lot of what goes on in airports is security theater. it doesn't actually makes us safer but moves the danger zone outside the airport. you have to be careful. but the way this has been discussed is disgusting to me when you look at the incident there is no constitutional gun control law that could have prevented this. there is not one. still, the left is blaming it on the right and blaming it on the nra even though it knows there is no loss that is constitutional because of this. they are doing this to demonize the right for no good reason and shame on them for doing so.
[applause] greg: i do think there is a lot of variables and this is the complex problem the people tried use of a fight within the idea of the prison of two ideas more guns or less guns -- >> yanny. i look at it as a contagion that has spread and we have to contain it. greg: the way to contain it the media has to stop talking about the guys. they do deep dive on the shooters immediately and if you are a kid wants to go out in a blaze of glory and you see it is glory and it's infamy because -- >> it's martyrdom. greg: yes, they will remember me if i take out a bunch of people but it drives me crazy watching coverage of this like don't show and don't talk about them and treat it like a national disaster and try to fix it but eliminate that person. >> greg, i'm being serious. you know what they have in common between psychiatric illness and physical abuse. facebook. they it has driven a hunger for notoriety at any cost. these companies have better
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greg: will the dems be plenty in 2020? [laughter] potential democratic presidential candidates protested ideas at a conference in washington. liz warren, bernie sanders, cory booker, kiersten gala brand and they are all there. of course, this little fellow, to. do not laugh. he totally get monetary policy but as "the washington post" pointed out there is no single candidate who has what is needed to defeat trump and welcome aboard and we have done that for months. i contacted a major higher up and i asked for their potential presidential and vice personal bunny mate and they sent the
actual bumper stickers that they were preparing for 2020s with the presidential nominee and he said this is the first that liz warrant is running but the bumper sticker will have liz warren and these actual running mate and that's the actual running mate but it could be that the cars for kids are going to be running on the front ticket but they are running mate is a delightful butterfly. [laughter] bernie sanders will be running and they're pretty sure he is. his running mate will be the flu. [laughter] however, you never know, the flu might declare to run on its own but with a running mate, al gore. [laughter] this is so good. joe biden is running i'm pretty sure. i heard his running mate could
be a half, full bottle of robitussin found under a car seat so it's hot and sticky. by the way, tim kaine. he may be running and his running mate will be [inaudible] however, there has been a contention between the two. tile grout might be running intimidating might be his running mate. my favorite one some guy i met on the bus. his running mate is his buddy, carl. [laughter] he was all hands. [applause] kat, kat, what will they do? kat: i think they are screwed. [laughter] look at what they have aligned themselves with in the past week. they defended ms 13, they defended hamas, they do not have a message that everyday americans that resonates with everyday americans. all they do is assessed with
hitting jump, hating on everything he does and even if he doesn't do anything wrong like says that violent evil gang members are evil and violent they focus on that rather than coming up with a message which is what they so desperately need. greg: you are right, tyrus, what is that message? tyrus: much ado about nothing. [laughter] greg: you read the cliff notes. [laughter] tyrus: it's obama had the same situation. trump and him they become more similar in terms of dealing with their parties. no one was going to knock obama off and no one will knock trump off. he is the change of the country wanted. all his opponents they run on i don't like trump. that is not good enough. they did not learn from -- i don't want obama. what else do you have? [laughter] i really don't like him. that's not -- that's not a running -- trump.
i don't like him. it's just not enough. >> they will run hillary again. [crowd boos] they have no new ideas. tyrus: much to do about nothing. it will be great. >> she is better then tile gro grout. [laughter] greg: are you sure? have you seen -- >> in a one to one matchup i'm not sure who would win. but with tile grout on her side she's at least got a little charisma. [laughter] >> i'm back to the underlying illness. the trump addiction. they just have to get sober first. learn the trump serenity prayer. greg: that is for next week. [laughter] we need to come up with the trump serenity prayer for next week. the only way the dems can win is that the country is in peril so
as long as things will merrily along like the economy and whatnot they will be roadkill on the highway of ligh life. they need an alien invasion from some planet far away or an asteroid pestilence but the problem is they think the pestilence is trump. >> yes, that's the problem. greg: there in a delusion but if they got out of the delusion they could get figure out. >> and if you are laurel. there is a laurel after our. tyrus: this is never been a better time for independence in the green party. all those will be poor for the democrats so they have the same problem they had less time with bernie with the better candidate but the democrats were sure silly push things to go hillary because it was returned because she was entitled so you'll have the same infrastructure issues you had before and nothing will change. much to do about nothing. greg: we have to go to the next block. the most anticipated summit
greg: are the prospects dim for the meeting with kim? less than a month before the historic meeting kim jung-un is ready to take his ball and go home. this means someone with the art of the deal. [laughter] kim knows when to walk away from the table. thank god he did not read 50 shades. [laughter] anyway, some say it's because kim hates bolton and called him repugnant. he went to bolton for a respon response. greg: kim's stunt is
negotiation. you think trump did not expect this? why do you think he's been playing it so cool. >> it's taken many, many decades to get here. let's see what happens. >> what happens, who knows? we have a chance at something really great for the world and great for north korea. we will see what happens. we have not seen anything and we have not heard anything. we will see what happens. greg: we will see what happens. not that the media heard that but they think trump is getting played which is dumb because negotiating is what he does. he makes deals, break steals and deals are literally his art. let's see what happens. my art, on the other hand, is a little different. ♪. greg: i pick a hobby the no one else does on the best at it.
the missing ingredient is dennis rodman and you've interviewed him and spent time with him and is he busy and if he is, can they get gary dc? >> both are available but i talked to him and said dennis, have you imagine a world where people would associate you with world peace and he laughed about it and he said look, i've heard the korean people are good and they will be happy with a steel. greg: what you think, tyrus? isn't there already progress in the sky, six months ago -- he is funny to cancel a meeting and six months ago he was turning to new cause. that is progress. [laughter] tyrus: yeah, that's progress. you ask kim about dennis rodman and i guess that's progress. [laughter] >> are we good? tyrus: we are fine. what was your question, michael scott? greg: michael scott. tyrus: you never seen resemblance, really?
greg: what do you think? tyrus: what has taken me back has been how excited the media is. i have never -- it wasn't like him got the microphone and said no, were not doing the deal and it's over. he his generals or it was his foreign minister policy they made it comment that they're upset over military action and that was it. they were so excited he finally failed. that's where were at. >> trump will get up to the table eventually end i wonder how they will react to that. tyrus: you would rather have failed with a piece at times been a successful president trump. that's where were at. greg: i'm convinced the people in the media because they live in new york have never bought a car before, much less like an apartment has how many times -- how many times to the closing of an apartment two things almost
always fall apart. i had women who were not walked out of the closing because they were not replaced the kitchen door handles. [laughter] tyrus: what were the door handles, greg? greg: they were made of human flesh. >> i've got to get in on this. first of all, what people have never seen is professional wrestling. [laughter] greg: watch it. watch it. >> don't you know. tyrus: i don't know nothing. >> let me tell you, tyrus. when there's a big title match coming up and they get the two sides to trash talk each other as to increase interest in the match. tyrus: i'm interested. [laughter] greg: kat, wrap this up for us. what's your prediction? kat: i'm not really surprised by this very much seen that joan is a evil dictator who starves his people and puts them in camps.
maybe canceling some plans does not exactly same below him. [laughter] but again, we don't know if it will happen or not and i completely agree with tyrus that it has been discussing that people are excited it will not happen. i don't care how i feel about a person but the person i had the most in the world if their success means i'm not going to get blown up and then i would say go for it. you win. [applause] greg: all right. great show so far. still to come, a quarter of americans spend all day inside. the other three quarters i use them to knock squirrels off my birdfeeder. [cheering and applause]
indoors? according to a new report a quarter of americans spend all day inside. 60000 people across 14 countries found that 25% spend 21, 24 hours inside and 20% 19 or 20 hours inside, 21% spend 15 or 18 hours and the remaining 30% say i love greg gutfeld. thank you. finally, researchers found a big disparity between how much time we think we spent outside versus how much we actually do. i never go outside unless, of course, it is to do this. greg: that is how i get to work.
walter, you spent time indoors but you are an outdoorsman, aren't you? >> see these two tans? it depends what you're outside is. when you're outside is beautiful, sunny california you spend time outside but when you're outside is cleveland you spend time inside. now, the problem is you won't get skin cancer and that is true but they might grow mold. [laughter] greg: i would take the mold over skin cancer. doctor drew, i see this as evolution. indoors is a better version than elders because we, humans, made it. mother nature is wildfires and wasps. >> i learned so much about you, greg, when i hear you say that. greg: we been victorious over our surroundings and that is why we stay inside. who needs the outside? >> you live here in new york city were no one does venture outside. why would you? but in southern california were outside all the time. [inaudible conversations]
i think the application is this that we are involved with our computers and phones all the time and that is largely an indoor activity. i think that is the indication that we are now living her life out in the virtual world rather than out in the world. greg: and bring the indoor outdoor so when they're still outside their on their phone still. kat. kat: i see no reason to go outside. ever. i don't have a dog or a frisbee so what else is there to do? [laughter] i'm serious. inside there is tv, there's very nice indoor cats, there is the computer which is really interesting and fun. outside i feel it's always raining or sunshiny and people are smiling and happy and frolicking about and that is even worse. greg: they project their happy privilege to your face. kat: it's like wow. greg: tires, to encourage your kids to go outside? tyrus: oh, they know to go outside. i grew up being outdoors. i never wanted to go home. well, mom was kind of their but i'd prefer to be outside.
as an adult, i love being outside now because it's not crowded. i've never go outside and i've never gone fishing like dan there are so many people here. the parks, swing is always open. people like you say are on their phones but i'm always outside and my kids know the outside. i was threatened to go outside. we had rules we had to stay out till the streetlights came on or the front left. [laughter] greg: the special friend. i go back to the fact that this is a success. we are the only animal district there are critics or critters that build dams into coals but they are still losers and i'm talking about beavers and rabbits. they are not humans. we continue to evolve and create more complex technologies than we started with the wheel and now we have more wheels.
we do electrical work. dogs and cats don't. this is what we get in this is our reward. no? tyrus: to be stuck inside by yourself? kat: what is better than that? tyrus: i'm sorry. >> the question is are we changing our environment of evolutionary adaptive this? greg: that is the big question. do our hands turn into a hand that make a cupholder because that's all we do. what if our hands evolves over like this? >> you know those aliens what they look like with slim creatures with no noses. >> that's how i'm telling you that's what happens. greg: were talking aliens. >> yes, not ms 13. greg: yeah, nancy will say i can't believe -- [inaudible conversations] by the way, my book is going on sale soon so you have to go to amazon in order this. it's all in my monologues, it's
in this one little book and i comment on them because some of them well, [inaudible]. don't go anywhere, final don't go anywhere, final thoughts, next. i got scar tissue there. same thing with any dent or dings on this truck. they all got a story about what happened to 'em. i could feel the barb wire was just digging into the paint. two bulls were fighting, hit the truck. another ding, another scratch, another chapter in the story. chevy silverado. the most dependable, longest-lasting, full-size pickups on the road. it's the chevy memorial day sales event! get a total value of over $10,000 on this silverado all star when you finance with gm financial. find new roads at your local chevy dealer.
greg: we are running out of the show. final thoughts, walter. >> someone needs to write for harper's magazine. greg: fantastic articles. doctor drew, what are you doing? >> i will read harper's magazine. remember, the only way to deal with addiction is called a trump. [laughter] greg: i thought it was dried up? >> you want to be a dry trump unless you sept the higher power. greg: terrorists? tyrus: the summer look for a super con movie. greg: kat? kat: i don't know, all i do is
watch netflix by myself at night. greg: what a fascinating way to end the show but. kat: you can alway arthel: i was up way too early watching the royal wedding. new details on the students and teachers killed in yesterday's texas school shooting and new details on the suspect with "the fox report". julie: we are now learning the names of the 10 people killed in a massacre at santa fe high school outside of houston. the suspected and a 17-year-old student at the school surrender to police confessing to the deadly attack and saying he spared the people he likes. the tragic school shooting in santa fe texas reigniting the gun debate on capitol hill. lawmakers promising action but divided on how to do it. >> every time i continue to have this debate about guns were putting our children at risk.