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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  September 23, 2018 2:00pm-3:00pm PDT

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i'm sure they will have a lot to talk about. eric: coming to the house later after that dinner? arthel: what? eric: is he coming to your house after? arthel: sleep deprived right now. eric: have a good afternoon! >> you remember the tears from the fake news media when it was obvious that we were going to win? and you know what? they are still crying. look at them. they are still crying. let them cry. the five let them cry. there's no crying on gutfeld. [cheering and applause] greg: all right. earlier this week "the new york times" published a help wanted ad, a staffer actually tweeted this -- i love the folks part.
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so we think they're actually human. when i first heard the times asking for proof of fake news i sent them a york times gift subscription. [laughter] really. take about it. the times asking for proof of fake news. that like dolly parton setting up a golf on the page for breast implants. [laughter] or michael moore pleading for more cake. [laughter] or maroon five asking you to write more terrible songs. yeah, maroon five. as if the nfl is not screwed enough. they hired a car alarm to play at the super bowl. [laughter] i think we found something worse
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than kneeling before the plaque, it's puking in your ear. ♪ she will be loved ♪ she will be loved greg: but not by you. every time that's played an angel that itself fire. [laughter] anyway, here is some big news. you know that little box on your front page that says all the news, that is fake every time the real story is not fit to print like the good news coming out of the korea, note nukes is good news so the times can be father. did you hear about her dealings of poland? if it rushed undermines the russian collusion narrative, you will not hear much. that is not what the times want you to see. they want fake news from readers to camouflage their conveyor
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belt of bias and they can do it without you or a hand mirror. by the way, i'm not saying i don't make mistakes but this is what i wore at the emmys. [laughter] >> i knew he must have been getting into something but i didn't imagine it would be this. [inaudible] >> does it feel good? greg: very angry at my stylist. i make mistakes every time i open my mouth and that is not fake news. the times mislead by design and only admit the big errors when they are cornered. remember this headline? nikki haley's view of new york is frightful. the curtains are $52700. sound like they're blaming her for the purchase because they are even those near the bottom of the piece you find out that obama's staff ordered the curtains for 52k, the most expensive drapery since joe biden's earplugs.
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[laughter] there are examples. the anonymous op-ed about insiders trying to stop trump. that could be inducted into the big news hall of fame or what i call cnn. [laughter] i'm kidding. not, i don't know. big news means nothing to the times because what it's whatever contradicts their wacky worldview. remember the idea of a big finger? >> we are following our -- i will not yield. [inaudible]. greg: yeah, and the times endorsed him. [laughter] what a member. of the house. [laughter] of the house. member of the house. what are you people clapping about? sick, sick people. plus when republicans are in charge the sun cannot possibly
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shine so the dystopian world is built and chaos must rain. research center compiled the words to describe trump. angry, furious, outraged, livid, lashing out, on a tirade. the good news he only stabbed mike pence twice it could've been worse. why the language? to make you think the guy is unstable. that's the narrative. week it will be living in a stable with a beautiful mare. don't question lifestyles. absent any horrible deeds by trump and face with great economic news the media must create a daily fear that justifies the sweat stained night terrors. how dare you not freak out like the times you might like to view or cnn. to them, comes tweets are like spiders. you don't read the times but you sleep tonight like a baby on dry sheets unlike [inaudible] but if
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you can't live in fear like them, maybe you need a drug. >> i will tell you, but things are going great. new job and a bonus. my taxes are down in my neighborhood is safe and clean. i sleep well at night. >> bummer. you're doing it all wrong and in today's world it's a plan healthy if you're not stressed out is the media want you to be. cannot up all night worried about your problems, the problem is you. worry about things even if they do not exist. >> how do i do that? >> drama queen. it creates stress but changing the chemical makeup of your brain design to wake you up at 3:00 a.m. and keep you alert for three solid hours worried about ridiculous things. secret ingredient bad cocaine. >> wait, what? >> don't worry. i've already put some in your drink. >> what will we do about our horse? he eats so much a. never enough hate. >> we don't have a horse, larry.
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>> but what if we did? [crowd boos] we live in a studio apartment in midtown. >> we need a horse and so much a. never enough hey. >> you are an idiot and i am leaving you. >> how do you feel, larry? >> awful. terrible. >> how are the horses? >> excellent. >> see you in two weeks. >> get drama queen today and don't get on with your life. greg: let's welcome tonight guests, he produces more laughs than my hyena feather tickler, i don't like that, tv writer and producer rob long. [cheering and applause] i wrote that horrible introduction. she's so sharp she's often mistaken for cheese, i know, i wrote that, too.
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her new book is out october 9, author jedediah. your mac she will make you laugh and cry and then the very depressed. kat timpf. [cheering and applause] hebrews his knee on mount rushmore, wwe superstar and my massive sidekick, tyrus. [cheering and applause] rob, what do you make of the media crowdsourcing to help bolster their idea of fake news? they did this with their payment e-mails. >> it's a weird because they're already doing that. feel like he needs to have a talk with whoever is the hr mental health person at "the new york times". do not post to let the wire show. they're letting us know their playbook which is kind of fake
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news. greg: that is transparent of them. they should be sitting around let's find -- >> whenever they make a mistake they say they don't have enough editors. in that building there are enough editors. greg: exactly. >> they're all part of the democrats. greg: and they are cash-strapped. they need a crowd to help them do this. the real crowdsourcing, jedediah, the people to force him to do corrections. especially with nikki haley, if fox news said what you did to nikki lee was terrible there was a, that's fox news. >> it was ridiculous. they did little corrections that no one reads and vibrant. i'm curious what distance or disinformation they say they're going on a disinformation campaign but what is misinformation to "the new york times"? they're looking at people facebook posts and if i had a facebook post out the was
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talking about hillary clinton the liar in the last election they would call that misinformation. i call that the truth because she's a liar. [cheering and applause] honestly, i'm wondering if you'll see items from the foxhall, conservative pundits and the call that misinformation when, in fact, those of people that are fact checking "the new york times". greg: you should write a book on hillary clinton called missing information. [laughter] i come up with these ideas almost monthly. >> of already titled my next book. greg: i came up with a new nutrition book, called jedediah -- thank you. kat, i come up with titles for your podcast which are printab printable. [laughter] anyway, kat, is your opinion swayed by media spent? kat: no. greg: that's good. kat: it's not. it will be interesting to see how this plays out because i
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wonder if they will cover the fake news that hurt democrats rather than also covering the fake news that might go against the president trump because if you really care about big news and that is your issue then you have to cover both. also, i think this is making the assumption that fake news is the reason why trump won the election. that's what liberals think. they'll be disappointed when they find out that's not the case. won the election because hillary clinton was a nightmare of a candidate. it was that simple. [cheering and applause] greg: i'm beginning to believe knocking hillary will get a pause. [applause] i did not even knock her, tyrus. tyrus: it was a pre- knock back. greg: i had a pre- knock agreement but it's not work out. trump in ministration has rattled the media in such a good
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way in some ways, right? tyrus: i would say they keep them honest but that's not happening. i think it's gotten to the point where this was a board meeting. this is a meeting, a group, five or six editors like johnson, what you have. russell is not working. he's an adulterer and not working new line and it's not working from his rude and it's not working. what you have? quick, something. let's go to the people. maybe there's really good liars in the street that have i saw something on facebook and we could do that. that's our new campaign. it's not us, it's the people. other trying to blame it on us because the fight they're having is failing miserably. no one has seen a story about trump from his site but it's all been like you have, wow, thank you. i did not know that. the hell with the sky. now it gets worse for them. greg: all the stories begin with well, he said this. no one cares about what he said
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but it's whether he's done stuff and so far it is done is fairly productive. when he says did you hear what he said it's like yeah, it's like yeah. tyrus: i heard what he said i was busy find my new vote with my extra tax money so i don't care what you say because you i'll be on my po 80. there's no reception on my brand-new be our only teeth that i paid cash for. greg: who buys a po 80? coming up the media there were three stooges and always one lady that was constantly freaking out, and that's the media. the media is the lady from three stooges or the marx brothers. >> margaret dumont. greg: see, that's why you're in tv. >> that's not the only reason. [laughter] greg: so true.
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greg: like me after eating doritos and dark roast coffee, stormy daniels is letting it all out. [laughter] she's got a new book out called full disclosure and she's telling everything and i mean everything about the time in the hotel room with trump you don't know what i'm talking about you can google it but why? i run a classy show here. stormy has a book out about trump, bob woodward has a book out about trump, alec baldwin wrote a book about trump and so did rob long, you are welcome. there is your plug. tyrus: i am both enjoyed that book, by the way. greg: has been anyone been better for the book industry that donald trump? hell no. anything that happens to you regarding trump, big, small or utterly pointless can become a
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book. here is a stack of books that are coming out soon. let's go to this one. see that. i sneezed. did the president they bless you, carl? know. that's an actual book. trump cut in front of me at baskin-robbins and then broke wind. that's a favorite. [laughter] trump tweeted that i have sleepy i, which i do but that's not my fault. that is chuck todd's memoir. oh yeah, i was hired to dj a trump family wedding and he grabbed the microphone and said i had little energy and a waste of money. [applause] i did not know jeb had a night job? are right. trump did not hold the door open for me in 1986 at studio 54 and
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that i was framed for cocaine possession in the bathroom. truth is i had already finished the coke i came with. anyway, if you want to hang out later i will love to tell you about my screenplay i am working on. you know where i can get more coke? [applause] jedediah, you have a great new book coming up and are you interested in reading any of these books? >> i purposely left trump out of my book because i was afraid that i was marginalized at the country if i bought him and and applicant will hate me and i like to try to appeal to more people but now they think of it even if trump hated the book he would have tweeted it and i would've sold a ton of books. i should have went after trum trump -. greg: cap, you are to write a book about trump what would it
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be about? kat: anything but trump. greg: that's a great title. fiercely, these tell-all books to come out do absolutely nothing to change anyone's mind whatsoever. if you are reading it and believe everything in it, you hated trump before you picked up the book and for someone who supports trump you don't find it credible and you think it's all anonymous claims and you see it more as the media going after trump in the case of trump supporters even if every little thing and every single one of the tell-all books were true i don't think they care because they like the results in the policies and vision he has the country. people would be better off writing books about cross stitching or frog genetics, that would change just as many mines about trump as these books. greg: cross stitching a fraud? [laughter] all of a sudden we are pro- fr
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frog. geez louise. >> that is vile. greg: tyrus. tyrus: i've given the thought and i don't know about the contact that i have the cover down. tyrus and trump. tnt. two guys who just don't give a [bleep] [laughter] [applause] greg: is for teens? tyrus: it's for everybody. have you heard kids today? i walk by a school to pick up my daughter. i learn new stuff and she is four. they have a mouth on them. greg: watch her kids. i don't want to have to. rob, i'm not allowed to by the way. >> 101 yards from. greg: how did you know? >> it is the law. greg: i went to law school to figure that out. you have a trump look out and how did it do?
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>> well, it didn't cause me tax trouble let's put it that way. i took speeches and interviews and arranged it like poetry because he talks like poetry so it's not elegant poetry but it's a certain rhythm and so people who love trump didn't like it i thought it was made fun of them and if you're really love trump you can't make fun of the king people who he trump but you can't make fun of them because he's the most evil thing ever and it's like making fun of hitler so people who love trump did not buy the book and people who hate trump did not buy the book so basically, no one but the book. tyrus: i read the book but i did pick it up in the back of the green room. i owe you. get meet with me after the show. i would say this talking style, you pointed out great. don king, wrestling background, he learned how to speak that way like a flow of a rhyme and mohammed ali was the same way. dunking was a big proponent of that when you learn public
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speaking back in the day. greg: they are similar but my idea is a book of recipes with only four ingredients which would be well done steak, catchup, diet coke and fried chicken. with four variables you can have 10000 commendations with those four ingredients. i don't have a name for it but i think it would be called -- >> remaindered the five that the term for being discounted heavily. still to come, when will the media wake up and cover the bread capital story? like i havavavavav how do you win at business? stay at laquinta. where we're changing with contemporary make-overs. then, use the ultimate power handshake, the upper hander with a double palm grab. who has the upper hand now? start winning today. book now at lq.com. to and practice... kidlots of practice.tion. get them started right with carnation breakfast essentials.
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it has protein plus vitamins and minerals to help kids be their best. carnation breakfast essentials. >> live from "america's news
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headquarters", i am jon scott. the senate judiciary committee has finalized details of an appearance by doctor christine blasey ford who accuses supreme court nominee brett kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her more than 35 years ago. ford is scheduled to testify in an open hearing this thursday at 10 am eastern. the announcement comes after days of negotiations between the panel and her legal team. judge kavanaugh will testify after doctor ford, he denies her accusations. new flooding in the carolinas. more than a week after hurricane florence made landfall. the rising waters sparking new evacuations in coastal south carolina. communities there reason for a record 10 feet of water. meanwhile parts of interstate 95 and 40 are expected to remain flooded for another
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week. i am jon scott. join me at the top of the hour for the "fox report". now back to the greg gutfeld show. . greg: just between the end of the last segment and the segment i think three more books came out about trump. [cheering and applause] i know, here are a few. trump made me cook a steak well done. who eats well done steak? [gun shots] i remember this guy. the president push me aside at a global leader summit and i am still mad. [laughter] this goes way back. in the first grade, trump borrowed my pencil and when he gave it back it had bite marks on it. [applause] all right. all right. an accusation will it undo a
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nation? attorney for christine blasey-ford so the client will testify before the committee but it won't be monday and will be unless the terms are fair. good, i hope they work this out so we can weigh all the testimony and the side with the facts presented to us. the way our system of justice is supposed to become innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around. >> people in congress and enough on the committee and is white men, old, by the way, are not protecting women. they protect a man who is probably guilty. [crowd boos] greg: she is always so helpful. as a democratic on a hello know who says he needs to be believed is a bad another way of saying cavanaugh is guilty but she's going further than that. >> guess who's perpetuating these actions?
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it's the men in this country i want to say to the men in the country shut up and sit down. do the right thing. for a change. greg: the right thing is to not make sweeping generalizations but that is me. seems to me if are going to take all accusations as fact without a fair hearing that we really don't need a legal system at all. we don't even need a the court and therefore we don't need a justice cavanaugh. i guess we can all go home, write clyde? >> yeah. greg: clyde always agrees with me, kat. no matter what happens the country will unite when this is all over. kat: divided forever. greg: what you think of this? it seems to me that you you don't believe then you're in another camp and why can't you take something seriously and reserve judgment -- i don't get it. kat: i don't know what to think so i don't have a cam to go home
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to. i'm wandering around in the forest. on one hand why would she like, her life has been made way more difficult because of this and she's getting death threats and fearing for his safety but on the other hand normally when there's an activation like this a bunch more accusations pop up because men who do things like this generally don't do them just one time so i want to flat out say i don't know and i think a lot of people who are claiming they know for sure their reasoning for their belief is based on partisanship rather than facts and facts are super unclear. people are saying she must be believed and you have to believe are they don't want cavanaugh on this record people people who are saying she's lying to want cavanaugh on serene court. they're basing that rather than the facts. i don't know how any reasonable person looking fax could say for sure one way or the other. greg: tyrus? tyrus: because my name has not been in it and i will not make general ideas of my belief
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system. in this case, it's your similar about clarence thomas back in the day and i think because both will tell their story and so much of his past and is not -- in my opinion, i don't see how we will know one way or the other just because of the time and witnesses and backs and police reports. if it comes down to both people statements the tie should go to the accused just based off my opinion. greg: that is innocent until proven guilty but in the court of public opinion, rob, we have lip this. if not you are guilty and you should go away. >> you're only guilty if we don't like you already. you have to not like him alrea already. there is no fax that will come out and no one has asked because it happened 30 plus years ago and the guy says he was not even there and she says i'm pretty sure it was you and there's nothing new to come out but two stories being told. they're both pitching two
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different movies and one will be the box office hit. his problem is how do i treat this person with respect and with dignity even though what she's saying is not true. greg: and it is a challenge because you have to be so delicate about what you say or else you will be attacked. jedediah, my trouble with this is politics is now the art of personal destruction. nothing is sacred -- if you are politically different for me i will come after you and i think all men and women should be divided by gender on this. >> is not about gender but it's about the idea that someone can wake up one day, make an allegation and i don't know if it's true and no one knows in his room and there were three people in the room, 30 years ago and she doesn't river what happened to remember exact details but everyone has said we want you to come forth and speak your mind but that doesn't mean that on there's a victim and a perpetrator. that has not been decided yet and that is not fair for watching this media coverage -- i don't i don't care if it's
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woman or man or dog but i don't want someone to be able to accuse someone of something that is serious and be believed. no, let's hear everybody out and let's get the facts and figured out. it's not fair to either party. by the way, her legal team is infuriating. they should not be able to step the terms of this hearing. there are rules to be followed, neither she nor cavanaugh team should set the rules. you go when you're supposed to go and she can decide when she will speak. she says she wants to speak for him to speak first. how can he speak first? he has to respond to what she's saying. i'm not saying i don't believe her but i'm saying i don't know and that is okay. tyrus: but it. kat: it's been gross to see people on the political left using her as upon. these are the people who would not believe all women who accuse bill clinton of sexual assault is way more. [applause] greg: all right. tyrus: the one hilarious thing
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of this whole situation is that a senator actually said shut up and step up which is hilarious because we have a senate who does not do that. you want to blame it on the brose where's the bipartisanship? it's amazing. >> and it's a flip. it could be a woman or a man. greg: yeah, everybody is unsafe when you remove due process. >> no justice. greg: that's why america is different. speaking of things that have not speaking of things that have not been confirmed, bert and
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meanwhile, sesame street leads to statements in response as a bert and ernie are friends and because they are puppets and no sexual orientation. and the guy who created bert in the 60 says they are not gay. this should celebrate or maybe we need a second opinion. please welcome bert and ernie's former roommate and we have five parker hughes who joins us from helsinki, finland. [cheering and applause] clive, glad you could be here but. >> where am i? greg: you are on fox news. >> fox news? more like faux news. get it? flow news, your fellow, i am very clever. right that one down. you are welcome.
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greg: were talking about sesame street and since you're a puppet i was thinking -- >> i'm the puppet? no, you are the puppet. a puppet of faux news and their right wing overlords. you are a puppet of vladimir putin and the koch brothers. let me tell you a story, gary. i once parted 2 pounds of glitter at a kids birthday party and everyone loved it. have you ever made a difference in someone's life, like that? faux news, white male puppet. greg: can we please stick to the topic? >> of course. anything to avoid talking about evil donald trump. yes, he is evil. and you are evil. you are lucky i'm not there in the studio with you, pal. or i would peel off your face and wear it to a cousin's birthday party. by the way, do you have any
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cocaine? i'm starting to come down. greg: no, clive i do not have cooking. by the way, are you naked? >> yes, it seems i am. i wasn't earlier so not sure how that happened. anyway, does that offend you that i am okay with my body and that i love the feeling of the air against my naked felt? listen, you old, white male, i don't live by your rules. i've got a girlfriend and a boyfriend. two boyfriends. three boyfriends. i could eat you and crap you out like a very fax machine. next question. greg: all right. one more time. you lived with bert and ernie in the early years so what was that like? >> [bleep] those guys. i'm out.
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[laughter] greg: i knew we should have pre- interviewed him. [cheering and applause] tyrus? [laughter] tyrus: so many things wrong with that. listen, i grew up bert and ernie one of my favorites, a puppet is a puppet. it can be anything else besides a puppet. so, i mean, i get it but if you want to get to the real scandal talk about cookie monster and the baby mamas. that's a real scandal. [laughter] they are puppets and they are not -- you can't make them heterosexual. greg: they don't have genitals. tyrus: they don't. they are puppets. greg: they are felt in a hand of
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a stranger. tyrus: okay, we talked about this in the back, greg, do not encourage him. no hands in the puppets -. greg: rob, is this evidence of how identity politics goes everywhere it can go? >> reading puppet phobia you have but before we go i want to say that was a funny segment, whose voices that? lou dobbs? greg: it was great neck you don't thank you do that but he was totally great. [laughter] greg: will be happy you out in him. >> he's a talented man. he's got baskets like me. greg: jedediah? >> it's over for us as a society there were talking about this. they had to come out and say these puppets don't have a sexual orientation and there are people that are sitting there like oh, okay their processing that and actually thinking about this. no, are they gender fluid -- we are talking about puppets.
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i am scared for all of us. greg: kat, can't this be one of the tvs great mysteries and leave it at that? kat: a great mystery to me is never someone else's sex life because i really don't give a [bleep]. seriously, if you're -- i don't care about the sex life or sexual preferences of real human beings. i'm not ready to care about the sex life or sexual preferences of beings that are a, not beings, not real and be, do not exist below the waist. tyrus: and see, do not exist below the waist. because they are puppets. greg: rob, one of these days to look at the show and say we were anti- puppet. >> sure, all i know is that on the reddit there are some really
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really interesting puppet porn being written. [laughter] and if there is an, get to it. kat: i'm pretty sure somewhere there are puppets with sex life. >> what is happening? greg: coming up, is your dog greg: coming up, is your dog jealous over yououououou today, 97% of employers agree that skills like teamwork, attention to detail, and customer service are critical to business success. like the ones we teach here, every day. ♪ ♪ they're the moderne stone age family. ♪ and customer service are critical to business success. ♪ from the town of bedrock.
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greg: if your dog a bone and get off your phone, kat. but say the time you look at your phone is making your dog bad and could contribute to long-term behavioral issues. veterinarians surgeon in booth, must be british, tells metro .co .uk -- saw that coming. those sorts of dogs can end up becoming emotionally distant from their owners which is terribly sad. if you've let a relationship get to that level why did you bother getting the dog in the first place? i don't have this problem was never on my phone and my dog is in great shape.
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i think the music brought that together, rob should we be more worried about the humans were neglecting? >> i'm worried about what that guy is doing in your house. greg: hey, those are my problems. [laughter] >> i don't think -- my problem is people who have dogs and phones are always taking pictures of their dog and instagram on them. a dog at a certain point say no more pictures and put the phone away. greg: they are very reclusive. get that iphone out of my way jedediah, what do you think dogs think our phones are? i'm always wondering about that. >> my dog has taken a selfie or two. so step on it but i don't know. i think they may think it's another thing they have to compete with. they know it's not another dog
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but there like what is that. if i am on my phone she will smack me a couple times like to say all right, keep it up. then she will be spiteful. i founded you not ease how the floor where they're not supposed to be. i think they think it's not a kat but something and they've got to get it on the way. greg: i have a different meaning for not ease on the floor. [laughter] it involves wrote. kat -- you have a cat. kat: i sure do. greg: they say it doesn't affect cats, why is that? kat: it's amazing. with a cat you can multitask. i have a big weekend coming up but i can lay in my bed with my cat under my chin purring and playing candy crush on my phone. i can be on my phone and he's still down to hang. this is why i like him so much because my human friends don't stand for that as much.
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they say kat, get off your phone because i'm right here. and it's like why don't you try being more interesting than my phone. [laughter] greg: i thought we talked about you not doing that voice anymore. kat: we never talked about that. tyrus: we should. greg: will have a meeting. kat: as long as you don't invite me to the meeting. greg: tyrus? tyrus: i'll be honest, this also had been difficult for me between the puppet and the man toy dog guy and these type of experiments of one lonely dude who's girlfriend or boyfriend is not talking to them so they're pretending the dog is them because at the end of the day it's a dog. dog does not know the differen difference. he's a dog.
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go sit next to you and wait for you. if you leave, will be at the door when you come back because he is no concept of time let alone the damn phone. dogs don't care but that story you just told is you project is a weird way back on your dog. [laughter] dogs are not spiteful. he went to the bathroom because you forgot to take out because your ass with on the phone too long. greg: i think from an evolutionary perspective is relieved there is a phone because now they don't have to take so much affection for survival. tyrus: you literally just did the same thing i complained to her about making your dog do annoying weird things are reflections of the people you hate. kat: my cat has an entire persona. tyrus: of course he does. but you can leave when you want to. greg: oh my goodness. i did think of pet story would take out this -. tyrus: puppets and dogs. and this. greg: final thoughts, next. [cheering a a a a a
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greg: we are out of time. thanks to rob long, jedediah, . jon: don't call it a done deal just yet as brett kavanaugh's accuser agrees to testify to the judiciary committee over her claim he sexually assaulted her when they were teenagers. good evening, i'm jon scott. this is the "fox report." the announcement of the public hearing after days of intense negotiations. key details of dr. christine blasey ford's testimony still need to be worked out. lawmakers continue to grapple with the political fallout surrounding kavanaugh and the decades old sexual assault claim against the supreme court nominee which he denies. >> everything i know about judge kavanaugh goes against this allegation. i want to listen to dr. ford. i fee

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