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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  December 23, 2018 2:00pm-3:00pm PST

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sheriff and then jefferson county star citizens. that is it for this hour. thank you for joining us. i'm back tomorrow and tuesday in washington. special report. greg gutfeld is macs. >> i come to washington for two days. greg: and look what happens. >> i have to get out before the earth cracks open and swallows this place whole. greg: yes, it was you. [laughter] two. [cheering and applause] greg: it is time for another week of -. greg: mattis quits in the media [bleep]. now if they believe that the word rhymes with quits. i believe it's [bleep]
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[laughter] check out the chicken littles. >> i'm scared at this point. if you were worried tonight, you should be. a political earthquake is rolling to washington that the administration sinks further into chaos. >> got an e-mail earlier this evening saying this makes me nervous. tell me something that will make me call and i said i don't think i can. >> today, scary day? >> today has been a cascade of what will be generally seen as absolutely apocalyptic news. >> america is less safe this morning. >> this is the first time i've been frightened for the country. greg: it's like there freebasing fear. if there crack cocaine. it's the first time i've been frightened in two years since michael moore. clearly, he is not checked his cholesterol.
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[laughter] what if cnn? their next up will reporting the news from underneath their desks. i don't remember this reaction when obama went through three secretary of defense, each with shorter runs. here's a thought. could it be mattis to the job trump asked him to do it now it's done wanted a new guy to do a new thing? mattis kind of set that thing in his letter he said that under trump mattis says the defense department improves our forces ready and it boost capabilities and global influence. guess the press missed that. even more, the script has flipped. lefties praising trump over syria and righties screaming their blood he had off. this is what happens when the president with the vision untethered to ideology. the house passed a bill to fund the wall which upsets one side. trump was out of the syria which is off the other end passes, justice for which knows i can do before it seems like the alarm is more emotional than factual and about trump not the actions
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themselves. should you be worried the trump wants to leave syria? consider who trump is. he wanted to kill terrorists. and their families. yes, their families. that's going the extra mile. [laughter] i think it would be out of character for him to put america in harm's way. i wonder what mike pence thanks? >> thank you very much. >> i appreciate the opportunity. >> did i leave the oven on? i would never do that. i'm mike pence. mike pence does not leave the oven on. that would be a good campaign slogan. i don't leave the oven on. [inaudible conversations]
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[inaudible conversations] [inaudible conversations] greg: it really is alarming how alarming everything is. how did this happen? it's the new business model. used to be a network devoted to livestock auctions and now there are cable networks devoted to hysteria. i've heard the pull of our time working at cnn and msnbc do to the smell of burning hair. trump is right. he is the product and because trumps got stepped on the media focuses on what he is not done yet. for two years he rewrote nafta, past tax cuts, regulated a madman, created record unemployment and median household income and wage compensation jumped and 4 million people (-left-parenthesis sam's and
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investments returned to america but what about the staff changes? please, that's shouting at center after he bought you a car but forgot the air freshener. [laughter] look at prison reform. big humanitarian story the press largely ignored because it was trump. then there is gun control. trump mandelbaum stocks and remember when the media was screaming for that but hardly a peep. right, mike pence? [inaudible conversations] [inaudible conversations] [inaudible conversations] [inaudible conversations] greg: so, as we head into
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christmas week we have presidents again presents from santa but this is a peaceful and prosperous time but the problem with good times is the allow for idle mind. the obsessive are crap like porn stars in real estate the stuff you can't do in times of actual hardship but when things are good at heart on the media when there is a model is so very bad. they find the problem it wants and finds sources to support it. meanwhile, the world rose merrily along at least for now. right, mike pence? president trump: to speak on behalf of the american people -- [inaudible conversations] [inaudible conversations] [inaudible conversations]
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[applause] greg: let's welcome tonight's guests. [applause] to answer. asking her to make toys. my cohost on the five an acre of the daily briefing, dana. [cheering and applause] he's my second favorite adam after that naked dude in the bible. [cheering and applause] her favorite christmas movie is old yeller. national review reporter kat timpf. [cheering and applause]
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he flosses with power lines. former wwe superstar and my massive sidekick, tyrus. [cheering and applause] all right. dana, you know what it is? i'm watching the news and i do get upset and concerned about what is going on but then i realized as it gets them top i feel like i'm watching a craft fun house mirror and all my concerns go away. i can take it fiercely because these people have lost it. there may be a concern there but then i don't believe it anymore. >> one think that's a good mantra not true under obama bu but -- how has your day-to-day life changed? if you have anxiety about any sort of thing happening in leadership is watching too much television ask yourself how is my day-to-day life changed? maybe it's better but is there really something that is bothering you?
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probably not. greg: or whatever bothering you you can't talk about. >> also, i hate green lifesavers too. they are terrible. greg: what is that limes was to be? >> is supposed to be line but it's not. greg: it should be -. judge jeanine:. kat: green apple. >> she has no idea. greg: yeah, you were born in 1990. adam, let me ask you about this hysteria. has it got worse? i would say i knew people pretty hysterical about obama. we remember that but it seems like it's gone off the rails connected gone off the rails that they ask don lemon on their end he suddenly said he's been sad every day for two years but it's like cnn is on repeat. they could literally show that same tape every day as trump. it's the same reaction from all of them. greg: i was a cnn is the boy who cried wolf but it may be the one
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who cried wolf. that was really bad. they have wolf blitzer there. that was a courtesy laugh. >> no, that was real. greg: i know when it is not real. >> i would never do that to you. greg: all right, cap? your thoughts about the media and life in general? kat: honestly this is my favorite trump week ever. were pulling out of syria. awesome. maybe pulling out troops and afghanistan and criminal justice reform. awesome. i saw democrats criticizing the first step back saying it does not go far enough. i don't think it goes part of either but doesn't mean you fully support anyway. like when you order a sandwich and you ask for tomato on this image and then they deliver it and there is no tomato. you still eat the sandwich. greg: true.
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kat: is still a sandwich. i need to go talk to democrats in congress and tell them about my sandwich method. greg: i'm still confident there's no tomato i still call. kat: i deftly complain but you still eat the sandwich. see what i'm doing there? greg: i eat the same and then complained that i don't pay for the sandwich and then i get a free statement. sometimes i order something i don't they will forget it is that terrible? tyrus: that's wrong. by the way, the hell with all of you. i love the green. if they had a back of the green lifesavers i'd be a happy, chunky dude. greg: there is a jolly green giant. tyrus: watcher giant talk, brother. [laughter] you don't have to ask me a question because i've been thinking about this. i've learned a lot this week and donovan gets a bad rap on the show but he's taught me something. greg: what? tyrus: he's taught me that -- [inaudible] i can do that to
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anyone and make them uncomfortable. [laughter] nice pants. [laughter] back to you. i love it. i love the pause. greg: no one likes putting on tv. tyrus: because you don't have to and the pause. when you made that bad wolf joke you do not know it ended so you try to talk about it. [laughter] >> and then he tried to make it about me. [laughter] tyrus: we've all been there. you think the family is with you when you say something about your uncle and then everyone's like what? so i got cancer. that's the only way out. greg: i did try to put it on dana. tyrus: you did. we have the footage. greg: we are editing that all-out. tyrus: there are 100 witnesses here. greg: i will tease because -- we
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had something so good coming up, so good it's going to blow your mind across the floor in your brain will sputter and will have to get someone to clean it up. but before we go to brake, gutfeld monologues live is coming to florida, not one but two shows. march 2 in tampa, march 3 in west palm beach. special guest, tom solu. tickets are on sale and make the perfect christmas present. go to -- for information but coming up, this all dana need a new shtick? what modern dana would look like, next. [cheering and applause] building a better bank starts with looking at something old, and saying, "really?" so capital one is building something completely new. capital one cafes. inviting places with people here to help you, not sell you. and savings and checking accounts with no fees or minimums. because that's how it should be. you can open one from right here or anywhere in 5 minutes.
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in a two-hour window so you're up and running in no time. show me decorating shows. this is staying connected with xfinity to make moving... simple. easy. awesome. stay connected while you move with the best wifi experience and two-hour appointment windows. click, call or visit a store today. greg: gingerbread man is now ginger bread pan. balance parliament is removed the phrase gingerbread man, from the coffee shop in its building and that will sell holiday cookies as interbred people. it's not to appear sexist. in other news, alan has a parliament. [laughter] but that is not the only holiday craft that makes us want to puke. a survey conducted by a design company showed people would prefer to modernize santa by ditching the big red suit for skinny jeans.
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it would be replaced by a flying car and giving the guy a few tattoos and an iphone. great. we emasculate gingerbread men, fan holiday songs because they are sexist and we want santa to look like a member of maroon five. [laughter] so, if that is what those people want, fine. here's your pc santa. ♪ >> what the hell are you doing? this came from mother earth. organic and pure from the divine soil of our planet. >> christmas tree? >> holiday tree. you are contributing to a mobile epidemic. >> it's a tradition tradition has been used to embroil hatred and justify oppression of minority groups, not to mention the unrelated growth of global
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corporations. >> who the hell are you? >> i'm taking this. ♪ >> honey, it's beautiful absolutely not. >> this kind of elitist giftgiving is a hallmark of the bourgeoisie. what are you doing? >> you ruined it. now we can all enjoy it. ♪ >> what the hell is this? >> santa, little something from the kids. >> call me chris with a k. cookie? i'm gluten-free. don't you know anything about the sugar industry? they've manipulative studies and politicians for years to cover up for their poisonous products not to mention their obesity epidemic and increased mortality rates from heart disease all take a kale smoothie. >> what about a carrot for the reindeer?
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>> i don't use reindeer for that's animal cruelty. i drive a chevy volt. ♪ >> okay. time to meet santa claus. ho, ho, ho. reporter: >> not okay. ho is misogynistic slander. especially with kids sitting in my lap. >> she just wants to show you this booklet is back he'll have to sign a can bet consent form signed that all parties involved agree and confirm that this is a professional and platonic nature. sign right here. and i need your social security number. initial here. mother's maiden name. and initial right there. initial here.
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[cheering and applause] greg: that's gary stuff. that kid could act. adam, santa is known for his look. isn't nothing sacred? >> not only known for his look for based on a real person. all this update santa claus is a legend but saint niclas was a real guy. it's like taking a survey that should abraham lincoln should have a soul patch and dreadlocks. you can't update the look. greg: this is troubling, dana. what is next? what will they do to the easter bunny? will they turn it into a rabid raccoon? i hate raccoons. >> have only a ferret. they might find it in your basement. greg: that's right. >> a lot of complements, what else would it be? i have no idea.
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tyrus: we all know. >> i have no idea what that would mean. your team does an amazing job. that was a great piece. greg: we are quite good at what we do. too bad we had let the tall guy go. [laughter] he cost too much. tyrus. the problem with pc thought is that wherever it goes it saps out fun. it's a fun rule removal machine. greg: yeah, the fun police are trying to eliminate anything that might hurt someone's feelings. tyrus: that used to be a job for me and wives but now -- look, that's where the term came from. sorry, guys, got to go. it's the fun police. greg: that the origin? tyrus: men are cowards. you know damn right well where the fun police is. just because she's sitting next to you, don't be afraid to look at her and say you are the fun police and ruin card games, most football games, any sporting event outside the house.
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everyone knows it. [laughter] bunch of cowards. you make me sick. god, if mine was here i would not fit either. [laughter] the thing is -- why are we giving these people a voice? i guarantee it was a tweet or sound like someone walked in the door and made a complaint but where are all these complaints? bring that to me. i'm concerned with gingerbread men being gingerbread men. i would say you should see my gingerbread man. he is gifted. i would give you a reason to call him gingerbread man. all my ginger bread man, are in a change the gingerbread house to -- make any gingerbread person you want. gingerbread woman, gingerbread child. greg: make a gingerbread house into a yurt. tyrus: you can call it that we can take away the man part. a cookie. it's seasonal.
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you don't have to -- get an oreo. there is no sex at the bottom of an oreo, is there? greg: let's move on. cat, you wrote exactly on this? thoughts? kat: the whole reason they decided to change the name of the cookie was because it was revealed that a lot of women in parliament were being sexually harassed. this was their solution, right? i was one of these women and actually entering the nightmare of sexual harassment at my job and heard this was the solution i'd be like [bleep] your cookie. i'm being sexually harassed. [applause] this will not do anything. it will not solve the problem. these predatory men who out there will not say it's gingerbread person so i guess i'll stop telling susan her ass looks nice when she comes to the
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office. it will not make a difference allows them to pat themselves on the back like we did something and were such feminist. no, you're not fit it just makes you feel better. the self-congratulatory garbage. [cheering and applause] tyrus: do you know what, kat? they pat the women on the back after they do that with their seasonal cookie. then they only have to behave half the year. greg: i'm amazed this is parliament. these are people that are paid. kat: these are the people trying to pass independence for scotland. tyrus: vote against it. >> like their government should shut down. they run out of things. [inaudible conversations] greg: i would love our government to focus on gingerbread men. by the way, how do they not know the gingerbread man might not be woman identified as a man tonight.
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tyrus: because of the song. greg: it makes me sick to my stomach. no longer eating the bread. fantastic, a little white frosting on it. you know what i mean? tyrus: nope five neither do i but why does the cia have what if numbers tell only half the story? at t. rowe price, hundreds of our experts go beyond the numbers to examine investment opportunities firsthand. like a biotech firm that engineers a patient's own cells to fight cancer. this is strategic investing. because your investments deserve the full story. t. rowe price. invest with confidence.
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>> live from america's news headquarters i and john scott. defense secretary james mattis will be leaving a lot sooner than expected good president trump tweeting deputy secretary of defense patrick shanahan will be acting secretary first of the year. weeks earlier than the departure date of favorite finance, mentioned the resignation letter thursday. manus resigned after the president's decision to pull all u.s. troops out of syria. devastation in indonesia after a tsunami kills at least 220 people. struck without warning along the country's straight on saturday. scientists livable canna corruption and undersea land might cause the disaster. at least 850 people were injured and nearly 30 remain missing. i'm john scott. we'll have more news in 30 minutes on the fox report. now back to the greg gutfeld show. and for all your headlines, log onto fox news.com.
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greg: it is news about otters you will not hear from jesse watters. back in the 50s the cia had a project called mk ultra, sound like a beer, and experimented in my control. one of these files cia files was declassified three freedom of information act request and among the thousands of pages was a dossier on the otter. they studied the otters behavior, lifecycle and what the otter could offer the feds. among the facilities quote -- an open zipper, climb letter, to through the sheet, turn on water taps, carry stones and marbles, or objects with head from mouth. hold slippery objects. [laughter] is more than doozy can do ass and i mean both doozies. but it otter can put together a kick ass jug band. did the cia want otters as field
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operatives? the otters tribute to the fall of communism? good questions. they have inspired me to write a poem. only one voice can recite it so beautifully. >> behold the otter. by greg gutfeld. behold the otter, a ball and some water. someone's son or daughter. [inaudible] now what famous shirley otter what exposure so fast has taught her behold the otter, she could not be hotter on the port of fame she will soon slaughter and route the day the world did spot her. well done, gutfeld. lou dobbs, over and out. greg: yeah, hail dobbs. [cheering and applause]
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i'll be home later, lou, wait up. all right. i think it's got to be a great job to work for the cia because you can greenlight or pitch anything as long as it's to save the country. you can say how about an otter that unzip supplies? spirit. kat: that the crazy thing. all those things that the otters could do, people can also do. [laughter] i don't understand what meeting like in less this legion of otters. greg: you don't expect the otter to do it. if it is an otter you say that's just an otter and the otter unzips the flight. kat: a life full of what? i'm having a hard time understanding -- [laughter] greg: are you that are you badmouthing the cia? kat: yes.
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greg: that's terrible. >> some of it is like they ca can -- [inaudible conversations] kat: what do we need otters to unzip? greg: maybe trying to embarrass foreign agents like let's say the foreign james bond is trying to do something but then he notices his fly is down and you shoot him. you shoot him. because the otter comes up when no one is looking. he's at sea world and the secret agent is that the world and otter comes in and -. kat: you're right, this does sound like a politically reasonable thing for the cia to fund. greg: you are a patriot, dana. otters are patriotic and so damn cute. [inaudible conversations] tyrus: beavers make dams, greg.
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not otters. stay off animal jokes. wolf, otter, no more animal jokes. greg: what then do ours do, dana? >> i guess they are a part of the food chain. greg: no one eats them. tyrus: riveting stuff. [inaudible conversations] >> the cia has a museum. they have the things they made like this little bug and it would fly around like a dragonfly thing and it would eavesdrop on conversations. they did get things like the dragonfly and turn it into a b bug. greg: what do you think, tyrus? otters are adorable. they're so affectionate you can have a huge aquarium with one other and it. tyrus: as long as you're not a fish or crab. here is the thing. this is a really good idea. if a person walked up you didn't
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no, you probably shoot them. but people are suckers for animals. a little cute otter comes hopping along, oh my god, it's an otter and has a grenade in its hand. boom. i know you got excited about the fly thing but the idea is they can unzip their bag, pull the grenade out, take the pin and the dumb coming will come over and boom and that's what the otter would do. people don't like to die. you can blow an otter of. no, you're so excited to get open flies and walked out of the house. greg: that's what got me to this story. otters unzipping flies, adam. what is wrong with me? >> i've never seen you defend anything like you defend otters. [laughter] i'm surprised of all the mk ultra conspiracy theories no one ever stumbled upon this. the trying to control mind giving people lsd but i bet the
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government is raising otters. greg: that's how they get you. tyrus: or a weird conversation with who was president when this was going on? kat: i feel like lsd was involved. [laughter] tyrus: maybe he wanted something stronger but maybe wanted sharks with laser beams on their head. greg: remembered day of the dolphin with george c scott? they used the dolphins for a lot of things. some i can't even talk about. all right. it's a secret. high school that is teaching its seniors how to be adults. in other news, i need to enroll in this high school. in this high school. [cheering and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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greg: if you are a hopeless ass, you can use this class. a high school in kentucky offered a weeklong adopting conference to its senior class.
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to keep them life skills like how to do your taxes or put together a resume or why you should purchase tickets to my next show which is coming up in february. now to raise adulting sucks and the it's right for ridicule but not a bad idea. give them knowledge about something we need one day like how to change a tire or cook but frankly i could use a class that teaches me some rudimentary skills but he is me making a pizza. greg: never said cook on ambien. [laughter] tyrus, i actually wanted to make fun of this but realized i'm the perfect person for this and have no suitable practical skills, you would agree? tyrus: how did you get on the job if you didn't?
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i'm not going to play this game with you, greg. greg: i can't change a tire. tyrus: because you are rich now. [laughter] i'm not playing this game with you. this is pathetic. i guess if your kid has no life experience any bulldozed parent protect them from everything and keep them on his ipad he'll struggle when he gets to the real world so those of us who -- i did not even have parents but i figured it out. you figure it out but you have to -- when you grow up and if you have parents someone should tell you how a checkbook goes and gave the plate we learn how to take care of yourself. it's called life skills. the thing -- mom and dad go home and ask what you did you ask for extra money but that's part of the process. go outside and play get a scrape attorney and take care of yourself. were not doing that now we have to have classes on how to be a
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functioning, human being who can problem-solving situations. i'll do the pause right now. [laughter] [applause] greg: kat, isn't this decline in skills like evolution in the sense that i tried to write a check yesterday and i could not handwrite the check because i've forgotten the motor skills to write because i've been texting and doing everything so i tried to -- you have to write out the dollar amounts with words. tyrus: oh my god. greg: it's hard. kat: it's not hard. greg: you never held a pen or pencil. kat: i did today. greg: what for? kat: i was doodling at my desk. i don't need this class. not because i have the skills but because i have entered into a higher state of being where i do not need the skills becaus
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because -- for example, cooking, order the food. sewing? buy new clothes. relationships? don't have them. [laughter] i don't need the skills because i have removed myself from the areas of life where i might need them. greg: adam, the skill of giving up. what do you think, adam? >> sound like a good idea but the school has come also. didn't school start because they were preparing people to be adults and you learn things you needed a life -. greg: it was home act. >> i loved home act. i made a pillow. kat: i needed a tutor. i had to stay after school for extra help sewing my pop i put him up pants because i cannot figure out how to work the machine. greg: it's funny you have that memory. you know what is weird? if this works you should have
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authentic teachers who taught you in first and second grade because those were the great teachers and you could remember all their names. >> mrs. garrett. tyrus: misses left give a damn. let's move on. [inaudible conversations] greg: all right, up next, a couple of split up over the holidays. you won't believe who it is. i've got to tell you something. with the capital one venture card you earn unlimited double miles on every purchase, every day. not just airline purchases? everything. hey, how'd you get in here? cross-checking. nice. what's in your wallet... oh, c'mon! ♪ spread a little love today ♪ spread a little love my-y way ♪ ♪ spread a little something to remember ♪
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greg: to back her captain jack. irish jack sparrow impersonator says she and her husband have separated. her husband, the 300 -year-old ghost of a haitian pirate named jack. she says he was executed for feeding on the high seas in the 1700s and i believe her. they married in january in a private ceremony in international waters off the irish coast. good for her, i say. it was not meant to be. two of the bride -- use me as an
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energy source -- even a dead guy does this and is a negative attachment that is refusing to leave. he's a freeloading goes. greg: it's an exorcism you need, may i recommend this fellow. >> [inaudible] where is satan? where is satan? greg: i believe satan is inside that dog. kat, here's a relationship you could probably identify with? kat: i knew you would go to me first. [laughter] look, is something funny? tyrus: yes, you are funny.
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somehow this will come back to you in your relationship and you know it. kat: no, actually. i think it's always sad when a relationship ends but it must be especially sad when the relationship is a figment of your own imagination because you would think going into that that seeing as it's a figment of your own imagination you'd be able to make sure that it worked out. you're the only one who that is up to. greg: so true. kat: how did you screw that up? greg: it's not the ghosts fault. kat: if it's in your head you can make sure it works out. i'm feeling quite good about myself because i thought i was bad at relationships but at least -- can i have my time in the sun, tyrus? [laughter] tyrus: all yours. kat: thank you.
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okay. we will need to talk about this later but you get your turn later. tyrus: you can have my minutes for this segment. kat: i feel like the relationship i've been in and have ended it was the person's fault. [laughter] tyrus: do i know her? in three and half years do i not know you? i know you. i knew this was coming. i can predict nothing. i can't predict sport games but i can predict kat and relationship talk. if we could make money on it, i would not be here. [laughter] i've just been next to you and we have a podcast but should check it out. no matter what we talk about sunsets, nuclear division, it comes right back weird relationships she loves to talk about weird relationships. you are so excited with this story will hold that lady
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forever. greg: i want to bring a few other people into this. dana, what did she expect, she was dating a pirate? >> even when the relationship is imaginary is not a quality guy. it's not like i'm dating a lawyer ghost or doctor but a 300 -year-old pirate. >> but women like bad guys. [laughter] greg: by the way, that's true. >> have you heard of what is happening in china? you have a china and it's happening read and sign up for a big boyfriend and he is all the things you want and will talk to you and people are posting about their relationships with this fake guy but all have the relationship with the same guy. it's a weird thing. greg: weird problem but how do you know the ghost consented? >> i was worried that was going to be a scooby doo situation. she's with this guy and pulled the mask off and like the old
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man from the carnival. greg: old evil mcgillicuddy and he's been polluting the river. [laughter] i love scooby doo. there was never a ghost it was always some rational explanati explanation. >> oh, that is the guy. greg: it would've ended the episode in a minute. final thoughts next. [cheering and applause] hi there, this is a commercial about insurance. but let's be honest. nobody likes dealing with insurance. see, esurance knows it's confusing. i literally have no idea what i'm getting. i don't know either. i'm just the spokesperson. but that's why they're making it simple - so that even actors, like us, can understand it. i'm not an actor. i'd love to tell you more but i only have thirty seconds. so here's a dramatic shot of their tagline so you'll remember it. when insurance is simple, it's surprisingly painless. - [voiceover] this is an urgent message from the international fellowship of christians and jews. there is an emergency food crisis
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greg: final thoughts, dana. >> 2018 was a great year. two other fox viewers, merry christmas and happy new year. greg: adam, anything to say? >> kat, i'll be in allentown, pennsylvania on the 26. [laughter] greg: pigpen bar in allentown. tyrus? tyrus: if you want to hear talk about my relationship with kat and tyrus, it's a podcast. greg: we had saved time, kat.
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unless you want to complain about something. kat: i just have to go to the bathroom. greg: then i will talk slow. >> day two on the partial government shutdown. no deal in sight as the white house dig in their heel over border while funding. good evening, i'm jonathan scotty misses the fox report. the partial government shutdown set to last until late thursday when the senate is back in session but it could carry on freedom caucus member mark meadows says the democrats have not budged on their demands. >> there are a number of conservatives who believe that the $5 billion was already a concession. when you look at 25 billion to build a wall, the president's already come down to 5 billion. we found a wall. it's on

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