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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  March 31, 2019 2:00pm-3:00pm PDT

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. >> we have some great great friends in the media look at rush and sean and laura and steve. [cheers and applause] and tucker and janine. janine is back. she is back on saturday night even greg likes me now. [applause] . >> it's about time. [laughter] [applause] here we are. >> that special counsel
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completed the report to find there was no collusion the collusion dilution is over. [bleep] like ed david blaine show. [laughter] big news worthy of a big rally especially let me bet on the opposite nobody has been this wrong since god made fossils i remember like yesterday. >> i looked up the definition of treason as soon as people said it was treason and it is. >> they were conspiring with russians. >> they were conspiring. >> michael flynn promised full cooperation and is prepared to testify he contacted with the russians. >> know. [laughter] that does not age well.
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but at least some of them kept their sanity. >> this comes up again and again. still russian military intelligence this guy constantine giant aluminum smelters and the smelters a very brutal start. . >> and the robert mother special counsel investigation alex. >> the brother of the chromium plant, the chromium plant in cause expand.
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take a deep breath and think of trump. big story boom they are kicking again tick tick tick four hours later boom. tick tick tick again the boom goes off twice first it boom tick tick ticking. bombshell. tick tick tick. boom and boom again. tick tick tick ahead of the time. boom. [laughter] [applause] oh my. for rachel is turning into your crazy aunt right before your eyes. she will show up next week with kleenex boxes for shoes so now that the people were dead wrong are warning against
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taking a victory lap like they have the license to give advice? to say don't be happy that he is not? please forgive us if we are not relieved our country is safe from the jackass. so imagine if there was collusion. [applause] this would be msnbc. this is "the washington post". but sadly for them it does not turn out that way instead no collusion this is cnn instead.
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>> msnbc. [laughter] and "the washington post". greg: i don't feel bad for the media because they never learn this is what happens when you invest too much in something that you want it to be true and you are crushed. worse, you are tom arnold what happened to him? isn't it amazing how the loudest have gone silent? . >> i'm not crazy.
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so think about instead of this circus. >> this is ridiculous it is a cover-up. this is over and done with. this is just the beginning. do you play tennis? . >> have fun. but adam schiff is right it's worse than we thought. it's over mueller did the investigation. . >> you tell yourself that you
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are so naïve you go straight to the top. husak? the horse trader. you have a horse quick. >> we wanted in a raffle last year. . >> have fun. they need to impeach trump to put him behind bars. . >> tennis pro or horse trainer? do you need some company? . >> thank you. thank you collusion without you they miss what is going on right under their noses.
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. >> but having sex with that guy few people had a better week like trump after a two-year witchhunt then to be arrested but if you think he has a bad day imagine being his client how amazing is it to do porn as they hire this guy? because he parroted those desires to overlook so it's good to be trump today at cnn they have so much egg on their face they keep chasing them around with a fork.
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what's next? at cnn they reported where the majority said to go from calling the president a russian spy that is i going from genghis khan to shaka con. and then you go on with your life thinking you were correct and then a friend like me to steer you right you are welcome. >> when it comes to the opposite of awful we have our contributors. [applause] and tough and funny jeff florentine. [applause]
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and this is considered a weather pattern. emily you are and attorney what do you think of this do you have a week to digest? . >> so many people vilify the ag when he glided to go to the bicameral chamber the biggest trump supporter ever working with the entire department to overlook the part where it is policy where during his confirmation hearing he said absolutely they showed him
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into a narrative. >> so as an attorney. >> clearly you have more. [laughter] . >> you first. but rod rosenstein signed off on this too but if there is anything damaging to chase trump and miller you don't think they would have lead to that to "the washington post"? and then to leak that two years ago to have trump in office and then they will have some little thing.
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and then to go into a vip room with a russian stripper why did they say back there? but was the conversation? . >> we know the conversations. >> you are just too pretty to work here. [laughter] . >> that is what they say to me. >> i never get tired of looking because flashbacks are great. >> she still won't let it go. i know this used to work for you bad it is over. acting like the x prompting who cannot get over how cool he was still talking about that touchdown he made a 96.
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still trying to get girls to sleep with him my parents are out of town. [laughter] but now at this point you look like a 45 -year-old man walking around in a varsity letter jacket that does not fit you and stopped fitting you 57 pounds ago. . >> i'm sorry. i won't talk to you after the show. [laughter] . >> wrap it up. . >> rand report came out i bought my daughter a dog and i live life. it's over. move on. we have six months of
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material? what do we do quick. >> that is a lot of rewrites. they wrote this over four months they will have a convention party. . >> i was never the prom king. >> neither was i. . >> i hate labels. what am i talking about? chicago get come here, babe. ok.
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gig-fueled apps that exceed expectations. comcast business. beyond fast. greg: chicago no ignoramus let him go because he is famous. [laughter] charges dropped against jusse smollett even though they believed he was guilty. did the cops and the bear and the hummingbirds the deal was made with the alternative prosecution so what is that? there was the opportunity under the alternative prosecution in exchange for
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community service and bond forfeiture the case will be dropped. >> so because he stuffed envelopes for two days at jesse jackson's organization and forfeited the bond money he is good to go that is good for the prosecutors but that's not a good enough for the cops or rahm emanuel wanted to cover the cost of the investigation or the president who was the fbi to investigate did you ever think you'd see rahm emanuel and trump agree? so my favorite part is that jusse smollett is best off by betraying him to talk about the deal he is mad that they lied. [laughter] . >> there is a lesson if you get away with something you shouldn't you don't step out of the courthouse to say if i was not my mother son. and talk trash. they didn't bring this up and
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acting school. you are not done that little letter in your hand fbi mister president the post office will give you a call. after you are done you will be in a federal penitentiary doing theater night. it is not over. >> that's a nice plug for the next segment. i think that jusse smollett may be getting worse punishment than he would have received because i think his career is dried up who will hire him? . >> he is back on the show. >> really? i think it is ridiculous. >> think about what other people go to jail for. people are in jail right now because they have the wrong plant on them there were actual victims like people who
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had real hate crimes or had to use their time and resources to investigate that taxpayers paid for by the way and the investigators were trying to solve one of the other unsolved murders i do feel very strong on that. it is absolutely ridiculous i would like to make sure i'm doing all that i can and that he suffers in the future. greg: do you wish you had the alternative prosecution? . >> two weeks ago i was talking to a friend i predicted he would not go to jail they said definitely he is a gay black man in hollywood everything is handed to him a month from now he will say i have a brain disorder are going to treatment he will be hosting
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the oscars next year. >> so now hollywood will be behind him they will put him in a movie where he will be presenting an award and holly will give him a standing ovatio ovation. >> i thank you can come back actually one change the country - - left the country and changed her name to become a nurse space basically in oj world. thank you for that he will get hired for a film. >> i don't think so i think he has the stench all over him. what about this alternative prosecution? . >> i did not think about that but i will be brief. the big picture the city's law
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firm is prosecuting him they are limiting the misdemeanors but then directed not only him with 30 and 45 years in prison but then also investigating the cut county states attorney office i've never seen anything so animus basically this is the calm before the storm but it's about to get really bad. greg: it will get crazy. >> but the interesting thing is jusse smollett. he bores the crap out of me. [laughter] the ramifications of greenhouse gas emissions will not be on this show.
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now back to "the greg gutfeld show". >> the new study finds $40 billion on purchases in the past and is on $736 per
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person. and it is increasing and a breakdown 56 percent. more than twice as much. but no cigarettes actually. a whole new consumer group that drinks at home and buy stuff. maybe there should be a drunk shopping channel.
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[laughter] [applause] should i have misgivings quick. >> it wasn't the lsd shopping our? are you sure? i don't think alcohol does that. greg: you try to mask the drunken mentality. you do this all the time quick. >> i have a giant scratching post for my cat that looks like a turntable and a piece of art that is a tiger head that is a woman's body in her underwear smoking a cigarette and a t-shirt with a picture of lindsay lohan that says these lindsay lohan man and i
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purchased all of these while stone cold sober provider don't have a drinking and shopping problem but a problem but i have a problem. [laughter] greg: i feel every show for you is and intervention. >> i get paid. >> you don't drink anymore quick. >> but i work nights why don't calm home at 2:00 a.m. loaded to order sneakers but i'm single so i can do drunk shopping but i cannot get my money back. >> what about you? you don't drink quick. >> i have been known to but my problem is i get extra
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generous so i cover the whole tab which is fine. [laughter] . >> thank you. i can hear you. . >> i'm glad you waited for television. greg: i have a great idea shed companies have a drunk insurance box that allows you to cancel a purchase when you're sober? like if you bought a bicycle? . >> i am a big part of t road i e sets of ginsu knives and adopted more children in bangladesh from the aspca then
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i would play games let's buy our cards at amazon for guy would do lots of shopping i would buy crazy things wants to see who could buy the most swards on late-night tv. we should have to suffer for our porches - - purchases i have a whole storage facility for all the stuff i didn't get as a kid. [laughter] . >> there are worse things you can do when you are drunk so drunk shopping is good? . >> weight without booze there would be no procreation. great news, liberty mutual customizes... uh uh, i deliver the news around here. sources say liberty mutual customizes your
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greg: finally a high school play that students in a new jersey are getting rave reviews for their production of alien. as in the movie with special effects check it out. anyway the kids spent one year building the set and the props of the costumes and the special effects they only spent $3500 and the videos got passed around and people were impressed like the alien film director ridley scott and gave them props and even made it to sigourney weaver. i know how hard you worked but
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we put on those all the time i was the stage designer here is my high school's version . greg: good graduating class. this is my haskell version of 300. . >> our class is in great shape. [laughter] and one of the best plays that
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was me but you are a performer. >> i love this they always do lousy plays or our town or fiddler on the roof. >> i live in that district that's role the tax money is going. [laughter] $3500 for that. >> what would you like to see. >> motley crew movie. [laughter] that's on netflix. >> what about you? . >> actually this is great we did other plays we did other plays in new york a couple
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like two dudes. chill out everybody. i thought it was two guys hanging out? schematic laurel and hardy. >> are they neighbors? that it also breaks my heart now my stuff is so old and classic what about aliens? i old. >> i was a dancer so my dream would be burlesque that i would force my husband into a halloween costume that i designed with sequins it was amazing. [laughter] she has the photos. [laughter] she can post those at any time.
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>> yes that is my dream. >> i believe you. [laughter] flashdance. all of it. greg: i imagine you have great ideas for movies that should be done. >> i hate this story because i'm not allowed to actually have an opinion. so i just have to say they all did a wonderful job just as it was and i am just so proud kids you are all-stars. i don't know what they actually did i just saw that it was kids they could be eating mayonnaise packets on stage for all i know because i want to waste my time reading so my opinion has to be the
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same i would just like to say i am so inspired. i have been moved in my mind and heart and my soul that i did not know i had you great shining stars you will rule the world one day so keep chasing your dreams you wonderful brilliant children they are. now we will not get canceled. greg: it is sad but true every time there is a one more thing on the five i'm sitting there and involves kids i have all all these jokes know if i make a joke i am fired brick if i say that i'm fired you have to sit there isn't that great? is so great. i'm glad you said that. >> stars. [laughter]
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greg: state testing week for
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those of toledo public schools as if they didn't have enough stress or anxiety or weight on their shoulders they had to get this from the local newscasters. >> good morning it is testing week and we will be lit during testing week. and with no traffic problems around. . >> to get a good night sleep to be extra extra. all of those were fired after doing that.
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. >> it will be lit during testing week. . >> so you are a drama person in a lawyers body. >> that was terrible. it was hard to listen to. . >> you were the nfl rater for - - term cheerleader for the raiders. . >> they are based on pirates. . >> one of my pet peeves adults talking like teenagers with
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omg i texted my friend what a great time last night he texted back r o-letter f l he was on the supermarket rolling all over the floor looking at my friend's text forgot drives me nuts. greg: we are destroying the language but it is true were they trying to be cool or having fun pretending to be cool quick. >> on the one hand that i actually signed it to be the most painfully sad thing that thing that i had ever seen so this means all those people now know that everyone they work for hates them and are trying to destroy them. this is the most painful thing i have ever had to listen to
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and once tried to listen to an ex-boyfriend break up with me. we were at the beach and i was of my father. i was not happy. go. >> and then just to sit there and we were at coney island. we thought it couldn't get worse and then to hang out the whole rest of the day. and then to insult the family and what they did there. and i am over it .
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>> i did buy a sweatshirt and i still think of the sadness maybe i like being sad because i should talk to somebody about that. [laughter] . >> just not me. i know this is coming but does not mean it will stop. break up with your girl at coney island and get drinks. [laughter] beyond that to the school system sucks. an extra extra smart ass extra extra you are doing too much. all this research spermatic he came to coney island.
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[laughter] . >> nobody turns down margaritas in coney island even if you are dumping your girl. was it uncomfortable? this margarita is great. >> the drinks were done and my dad was getting the second round that he just broke up with me my dad came back to the. [bleep] . >> i'm just realizing this. [laughter] so tell me. [laughter]
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[applause] >> the warnings grow louder of a crisis at mexican border, as president trump repeats his threats to shut the southern crossing this week if something does not change. i am rick leventhal in for jon scott, this is "the fox report." >> migrants are floods into u.s. at unan unprecedented rate. with illegal crossings and apprehensions is underring to record levels, at least one border policy expert say that the system is desperately close to failure and needs a bipartisan solution. >> we need to tone down the rhetoric on both sides and figure out the actual


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