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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  July 28, 2019 1:00am-2:01am PDT

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r investigation and why they did it i refer to my report and fighting to make america order it now. thanks for watching. truth and justice and the american way. see you next week.
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but man did that hearing tank. [laughter] worse than this and worse than
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this. >> at least the media took it well. >> this has been wall to all failure. >> i the history will judge mueller's white harshly. shame on them. >> shame on you. [laughter] it was like it was the second coming. the media thought they were getting a puppy for their birthday instead they got rabies. [laughter]
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spin they wanted the godfather and got godfather part three. they wanted jerry mcguire and instead jerry springer. you can feel the soul crushing disappointment and doesn't look at all like her picture or her online profile. and instead you get this. so it's not mueller's fault it is the media that encourages the democratics to encourage the circus with stupid on stupid crime. spirit that is outside my purview. >> outside my purview. >> outside my purview. >> beyond my purview that is still outside my purview. >> that is not my purview. greg: there is an idea for a show.
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[applause] so now with delusion that was just a charade to nail trump now they are talking about russia those of the same jerks who mocked those when the ussr was eight times larger in america has no problem so do the democrats have nothing? >> the democrats have nothing. and now they have less than nothing. greg: he still asks the question. do you know why? because of fake news. you are one of the most. let me just say the fact even asked that question because he corrected himself in the afternoon and you know that just as well as anybody.
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greg: in case you missed it again your fake news again your fake news. that's why people don't deal with you because you are not an honest reporter. greg: why would he say that? said that was a very dumb and very unfair question. >>. >> if you were ever truthful. [laughter] so who has done a great job? >> the administration, the president, they've done a great job. [laughter] greg: me. [laughter]
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me. the president. me. [laughter] the trump campaign is now selling black straws. and then to poke them in the eyes and screwup law enforcement and eliminated jobs and housing bubbles. but a turtle could get a straw in the eye. believe me i love turtles but more turtles are run over and how they can harness the power of mockery.
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then shaking their rate and they are laughing their asses off. but i feel the whole product rollout is scary stuff. the liner 2020 campaign merchandise is here including lawn darts. who cares that they think the net even more than the fresh eggs because it's so much also been on fire. and then to the abandoned house. this one comes with a free tetanus shot. what about this slice of
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bread? the last you'll ever need the mainstream media will tell you not to use it. finally this is the 2020 campaign merchandise. [applause] >> let's welcome tonight's guest. he is so patriotic and with friends and really high places jonathan morris. and also cat.
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then on "fox nation" there is tyrus. >> i don't think it's fair to blame mueller. they should blame themselves for pushing this charade. >> of course he didn't want to be there. he didn't write the report everybody else wrote it and then when he didn't want to talk about it he took no questions so that could be the end of it but then he became a private citizen and was forced to testify then at the last minute we thought his lawyer would come with him will now we know why because it's the mueller report. [laughter] >> i kinda feel bad for him prick i really did. like a legitimate american
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hero he had the wrong people do the investigation i don't know but it was a sham and a charade in the democrats need to own that all the way soon that's like after you leave the priesthood to say can you come do a confession? >> he doesn't do confessions anymore. >> i can hear them i just can't do anything about them. [laughter] [applause] >> i felt so bad not just for mueller but the american people hundreds of people are in this room was something that wasn't that important with a nation that is stronger or safer that helps people that what they can be but it
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is the political class to gain points from the other side which is just very sad. >> so the media is eating more crow he owns a crow farm. [laughter] he raises the birds for nourishment he eats a lot of crow. >> is a single? [laughter] you will never starve again. >> nobody found out anything new from this hearing except maybe robert mueller. [laughter] [applause] the same stories over and over again if i want to hear the same stories over and over i would go to the bar to find the drunkest person there probably name chad and talk to him for a little while but at least chad has the decency to
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buy me a shot at some point to help me get through it because they did not buy me any shot. >> yes. one hell of a shot. >> farming throws let's talk about it. i don't think i'm alone i'm just going to keep it real. i didn't watch at. [laughter] [applause] i had a great day. i got up. i lifted weights. then i went to this new breakfast spot. was to get omelettes but nobody was watching so i got a regular one. [laughter] then i got stuff to feed my shark.
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yes prick i have a shark in a fish tank. and then i fed him some shrimp then i went outside to watch my daughter play with her friends. had a beer. had another beer. started to give my daughter life advice. where we at now? 2:15 p.m.? took a nap and woke up with makeup on my face because i have a five -year-old monster. 4:15 p.m. drinking beer around the kids again. 6:00 o'clock i ate again. i was supposed to eat something healthy but i had burgers and hotdogs on the grill with another beer. i took a nap again. i binged watched anything and
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then i turn the chalice at all. [bleep] mueller was on today. and i did the same thing before as i did after because when it first came out i watched and i read it. nothing change. so yes i had a great day. >> but the democrats keep hoping that the ending is changing. but the titanic will not hit the iceberg. it hits the iceberg enough of me shouting. me shouting. next. when we started our business we were paying an arm and a leg for postage. i remember setting up shipstation. one or two clicks and everything was up and running. i was printing out labels and saving money. shipstation saves us so much time. it makes it really easy and seamless. pick an order, print everything you need, slap the label onto the box, and it's ready to go. our costs for shipping were cut in half. just like that.
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greg: and now "the greg gutfeld show" presents the 2020 candidates. greg: not cam. one - - competition but ammunition. and spotted in the airport challenging staffers. to say who is better or rourke? [laughter] meanwhile cory booker was on late night with seth myers
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where he said he felt like punching president trump. >> he put his arm around me i stopped in my tracks and i say do that is a felony from a guy and hurt you and my testosterone makes me feel like punching him which would be bad for this overly out of shape man that he is. greg: all this tough talk makes me hot guys. [laughter] you can smell that coming off of him. we will just settle that in the ring. >> get ready. it with that testosterone timebomb cruiser for a loser.
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and that is guaranteed to leave you not wanting more. >> one speak spanish the other speaks spanish harder. >> with special guest this is more than the foreign policy. [applause] >> so i have a theory they are responding to the media who tries to tell them they have to act tough by donald trump so they are overcompensating.
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>> i love the fact the only fact you're talking about is donald trump but not any issues whatsoever they are competing against their staff and then they are talking about donald trump. that doesn't work because donald trump is a president like it or not that's what they have to compete against that they can beat him up and punch him. >> this is a big issue for you. >> beto rourke what watches greg gutfeld. the only thing that matters is push-ups and i am influencing the race. [cheers and applause]
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>> but cory booker bothered me because before he said all of these things he said i don't want to stoop to his level that's what mean little scroll girls do jessica's nose is huge and i hate her so you are trying to be mean. so something that i appreciate about trump. >> you have punched a lot of people. >> i believe the statute of limitations. that is free and clear at the moment. are you sure? >> and with my testosterone
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and i know karate but i'm afraid to swing on you because i want to be beat up. and then president trump will be beat up before he even gets to the fight i guarantee if he squares off mister booker will be crying. [laughter] because the president trump would talk about his mama and him he will just say leave me alone. he is crying the president will look at him and he wins. >> go back to the tape it's not even clear if o'rourke would even be trump. so he has no shot. so this is the last and lowest common denominator of politics
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you can't figure that out with words they don't have anything to say they cannot differentiate himself. i will guarantee you one thing right now cory booker will never be president of the united states. that i can predict. [applause] >> neither will robert francis. >> but this is background noise. >> but he will be one hell of a personal trainer. [laughter] >> i know you can do that. [laughter] that's how cory booker talks. greg: do grocery checkout greg: do grocery checkout lines ma
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i want some more what's he doin? but, he can't look at him! it's just not done!
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please sir. i want some more more? more? more? more? please sir he has asked for... thank you what? well he did say please sir yes he did and, thank you yeah. and thank you he's a wonderful boy (laugh) a delightful boy (all boys): thank you, thank you, thank you.
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show" for all headlines log on to foxnews.com. greg: is it worth it? they have more than ten items with the democratic georgia lawmaker to claim a lawmaker told her to go back where she came from at a grocery store. if it didn't start over race or politics but a guy with too many items in the express lane. >> he called me lazy and to go back where i came from because he had a couple of items i wanted to go in front of me he
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said i had 20 instead of ten. what makes you that angry? >> she later backtracked on racism because actually the lawmaker told the guy to go back where he came from. surveillance footage showed but you can't hear anything nothing outrageous seem to has occurred but it exploded and that spread all over social media but still police are not filing any charges but it's clear if you have more items than the limit allows the go back where you came from and put it back on the shelf. go back to the cans of tomato soup. >> i think they are both jackasses. so i can understand when people have too many.
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[laughter] >> but i still do grocery shopping and then the gray area is 12. [applause] >> as somebody tells me to go back where i come from i will go there first. >> this is a serious question for containers of yogurt of yogurt count is for items. >> no. same items. >> it is accounting. >> but are they connected? [laughter]
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>> for your yogurts are four separate items. >> that's all i ever get at the grocery store but god does no. [laughter] >> what are your thoughts? [laughter] >> she confessed in the green room. >> i would notice as somebody had a thousand items in front of me because people say that look around. >> that is not how we sound. >> yes it is. and it turns out quite a lot of trouble. >> if you are hit with the truck than that is trouble.
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>> he called her names. that was wrong. but then she came back to say he hates trump. so she created a political story. >> she made it out of race by the way in the future every press conference should have both sides at the podium did you see that press conference? they were standing next to each other doing this in real time but there's nothing worse than coming out to the one side of the story making it all about race making a contentious any number of matters that he is defending himself. i agree make a rough estimation and i always view that a little bit. i think i am good. so go for it.
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>>. >> there is a lot of caveats. >>. >> you have to be the fourth person with this story. >> first of all this was 20. [laughter] [applause] >> i happen to believe i thank you are pretty emotional over small things that then when you get mad at somebody you create a story around it and
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then you realize it did not happen. but then i drive all the way home around midnight. slightly drunk. >> i think they both did wrong. is this a flamethrower? can it be these folks, they don't have time to go to the post office they have businesses to grow
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greg: don't you just live one - - love that? and with the military parade where a guy comes flying in holding a rifle in france it turns out it was a baguette.
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and it is the inventor who scared the hell out of me the same guy who tried to cross the english channel and fell in the water after 15 minutes this week. that then i saw a flamethrower attached to a personal drone that's made by a company not nestlé quick and cans bit flames with a brutal hell fire. check out the ad. >> they have a real-time view. and it is built to support maximum flight time and then to deliver precision with a
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high power plasma it with that vital infrastructure but the wasp attachment is a versatile fit and capable of any mission no matter how tough. greg: holy crap. [laughter] apparently is ideal for clearing brush in eliminating past and making s'mores. but don't make s'mores you will die. [laughter] >> they left out smoking isis but look at this right here.
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paisley run up with the bat and then run away but i will say that. [laughter] >> but at least he is on a hover board. >> but humans like to combine things. it was i.c.e. cream but then this point would fold in stuff like toffee bits now we combine drones and flame throwers what's going on? >>. >> it is a special report. >> but thank god. even the interest to know that.
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that the show could be about this so how do you even know that exist? you have to be trolling the internet. >> i have google alerts for flamethrowers. [laughter] and then my night is made. and that's for everyone. >> wow. the next commercial i don't want to get out of the chair. [laughter] loud barking dog sexy neighbor is no problem. think about it. >> hornets nest are a huge problem in the united states. if jerome has to fly in from
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above. [laughter] but here is the scary part that's made for the public which means the drones and the military it would be drones from above and that is game over. >> imagine what they have got. >> this will eliminate a lot. >> i am an expert on the future. [laughter] >> you are supposed to audition for special report. >> hello. that's fine but i want to talk about france. because watching this story isn't it interesting how cnn was just fine with this? imagine of donald trump had a gun days they say there goes the republicans murdering
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people because they are supporting the second amendment just because it is french. [laughter] that was in that from the parade? >> and then that goes toward the french. >> the ratings are in the tweets. >> i was talking. >> don't ever talk over my jokes again. the biggest segment.
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the biggest segment. >>
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of the biggest regret spending too much time at work, not traveling enough, neglecting their health, not spending enough time with family. not being a better parent. one of those regrets sounds like my goals. [laughter] anyway. [laughter] >> i want to spend less time with my family. with those positive changes more than half say it's not too late that my other regret is a motivator. >> he has a lot of regrets and that's probably one of them.
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>> this is real conversation by regret joining the priesthood? neither. that's because we cannot make up our future we just leave it in the present and also to say it probably doesn't do any good. and this is not a laughing matter but i am so grateful but at the same time i say that i knew that i had to follow my heart and for so many years i would say doing good things because i was afraid of other people's expectations.
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so do i have regrets? yes. if you don't you don't have a conscience on some level do i regret joining the priesthood but that's useless to think about that that talk about now. >> the next segment is going to be about you. [laughter] [applause] >> so if you change anyway you have lived your life because if you quit your job and you have no idea where you would have gone if you didn't make the changes it could have been far worse. >> but not if you had bedbugs. [laughter] >> i regret between 202,019. 2000 is when i was born i was very young.
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too young to regret anything? but i think the people that are so regrets are so proud not to are those of the ones that need regrets. you just threw up in your purse. [laughter] but you are an idiot. if you don't have regrets then you can't learn from those. and bedbugs are as bad as they say. [laughter] >> the good thing about the priesthood is that it's not a woman so be you don't regret as much because i don't have to have regrets because i have a woman who will remind you of anything you've ever done.
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[laughter] so when you left god that was a clean break. [laughter] >> every man in this chair knows that i'm talking about. [laughter] you cannot afford regret. [laughter] spank if anybody knows what you're talking about it is me. [laughter] spent there is a whole pool of regret and bedbugs. >> i say somebody has that one time. [laughter] >> with everything that i have ever done. >> i did not expect the direction of this segment. [laughter] >> but it's overrated.
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>> i have thrown up in person. >> and we have plenty of mistakes but what's the deal start small and move on but don't dwell on that. >> but also each regret it takes you to a place where you are with the other direction you could be gay. but then i would be in a dead cemetery wondering what i did to get there. [laughter] returning this fall the gut felt monologues i'll be in atlanta at jacksonville and durham in november. knoxville in december. since you're heading off to school, i got you this brita. dad... i just got a zerowater. but we've always used brita. it's two stage-filter...
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doesn't compare to zerowater's 5-stage. this meter shows how much stuff, or dissolved solids, gets left behind. our tap water is 220. brita? 110... seriously? but zerowater- let me guess. zero? yup, that's how i know it is the purest-tasting water. i need to find the receipt for that. oh yeah, you do.
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greg: we are out of time. special thanks to jonathan morris. pete hegseth. kat timpf. an we will be back tomorrow afternoon. jon scott is next. jon: president trump touting big win on immigration what he calls landmark deal with guatemala. good evening i'm jon scott and this is the fox report. note ♪ ♪ agreement comes after months of negotiations, require migrants who cross in guatemala to apply for protection there instead of u.s.-mexican border, temporary visas for guatemalan farm workers, the president hails it as a win-win. >> we are sending clear message to human smugglers and traffickers that your day is over and we are investing in the future of guatemala, the safety
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of migrants and the

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