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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  August 18, 2019 1:00am-2:00am PDT

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facebook, instagram. here is my book. thank you for watching and jeanine pirro for truth, justice and the market way. the grade uphill show is coming up.
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>> i think you have to consider a change at the top of the ticket when someone is acting like this. he is away to his personality so the minute you say something he does not like he figures that he can intimidate you like a bully. >> there is an evil and trying to divide the country. >> so many big words. the involuntarily all mouth guy who saw as a non-serious butthead is now finally being treated as a serious butthead. because he. it's a strange new respect rope. the people who cannot stand you will lavished with attention want you jump ship. now he is on cnn and nbc bc who treat him with oracle held together with her job. he hopes that one day he will end up on real housewives of coney island.
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[laughter] so good. he is among the desperate oddballs, they roam the countryside and the trump supporters they demean because this is less about the acceptance and rejection of them. he is best known for being close to park for 13 seconds break that is a factor. after all he has never changed in the limelight fading in stardom was so delicious but he has moved on, now he wants to buy greenland. that is awesome. and it is no surprise he is a real estate guy, he wants to buy it so he can flip it. [laughter] as granite countertops and subzero fridge, bathroom entities, done.
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it leaves me too wonder, do you love trains or trucks? >> i love trains and trucks of all even when i was a little boy at four years old my mother would say i love trucks, i do not. i still do, nothing changes. someday you might become president but nothing changes. i still love trucks. >> nothing changes but what about the rain. it's so true, he speaks the truth about the umbrella and what do we send them? >> we send them wheat. it's not a good deal. and they don't even want our week. they do because they want us to feel it were okay. they do it to make us feel good. >> all of a sudden it stops the wind and the televisions go off.
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in your wives and husbands say darling, i want to watch donald trump on television tonight but the wind stopped blowing and i cannot watch, no electricity in the house. >> remember when the city would build little pieces. >> the city used to build little pieces of the piece there, little piece here, a few years later a little piece here, and what about your campaign manager i heard he is tall. >> he is now our campaign manager and he's one of the tallest human beings i've ever seen. it's nice when you don't have to look for anybody you just look over and see a guy twice as tall as everybody. >> whether you love him or hate him you have to vote from. >> whether you love me or hate me you have to vote for me. [laughter] [cheering] what is the democrat strategy to
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be boring? thursday claims what people want is opposite of trump someone not so exhausting who does not force you to think constantly about politics. i get it, promising serenity is persuasive going from trump to biden is like putting on a company's water after a weekend of wearing nothing but leather chaps. [laughter] i know that feeling. but it's bs. remember these are the same people who made politics personal and failed out of. now they are tired of politics interfering with their gloomy personal lives. screw you, now you know how we felt since the 1960s, they have been injecting politics into everything, sports, movies, bedrooms. use this draw you turtles. work out at equinox. you are obviously faking.
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so this trump is so exhausting is just bs. based on the fact that the bs there's finally have relocked the position. it's like when they talk polarization, that's code for the good old days when there was one side. polarization requires an adversary and before trump republicans did not have one that could be the ugliness coming from the other side. before trump's they could crab on you day and night. now the republicans have a apple canyon and it ain't never going to stop shooting crab at them. of course now they want normalcy as they intensify their own campaign and they keep widening the target. it is not trump who is the problem is the people around him and his family and the people that voted for him and did not vote for him and the people who watch them on tv and don't foam
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at the mouth when he is mentioned in the people who are not actively resisting him. it's a race war, the left punishes half of the population by targeting, smearing any businesses that might employ anyone who would support trump. one wonders how far this could go. >> what do you need? >> macadamia nuts, they are grown in hawaii, you know what else is in hawaii at trump international hotel. hawaii directly benefits from the hotel. no i will not be having any of your macadamia. is that a fair share? >> favorite team. >> wow. >> flyers in philadelphia? it's in pennsylvania estate trump one in 2016 nice white supremacy. >> you mean like captain american action figure, humane
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marbles captain morgan action figure the same ceo gave money to donald trump this year. >> what is that a bandanna? >> nice bandanna just like the one worn by bret michaels and celebrity apprentice hosted by donald trump rate what about your shoes? aren't those the same shoes that were on 49th street between fifth and sixth avenue where saturday night live is filmed, the same snl who gave donald trump a platform by letting him host the show twice. what about your 5-year-old drawings, the used crayola crowns owned by hallmark which owns hallmark channel which aired a film broadcasting christmas with ed trump supported dean cain. how dare you. is that kilt? you know trump's mother is scottish. [laughter] >> fine.
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>> are we good until thursday? >> thanks trump. [laughter] [cheering] >> let's welcome tonight's guest. author and political commentator mark stein. [applause] even his attack will make you laugh. joe mackie. >> she is funny smart, cat tip. >> and if you borrow in his footsteps he may need a ladder to get out,. [cheering] recovered a lot, feel free to comment on anything what about
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secure muji, greenland, the trade war against americans by americans,. >> i'm going to go back to the pre-credit, i have never seen rachel maddow telling a joke before. [laughter] she has the whole hillary bobble head when hillary tells a joke. she has the hillary -- and what was she saying, trump wants to buy greenland so he can be the king. this is why all the professionals call it. that is why they're so exhausted by trump. and they are not discipline to be born. when they say make america buoyant again, as you say for decades they've insisted their guys are fascinating. like clinton, obama, even al gore they put him on the cover of vanity fair, vogue, "rolling stone", they pretend they are
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celebrities. in the even put on the cover of vanity fair. he thinks instagram mean himself is interesting. that is the point about politics. they did boring things but the media represented as glamorous. so beto o'rourke is glamorous. in a way that bob dole's hair is not. even though i would bet he has a lot more. [laughter] so i think it takes intense guts encouraged to have the conviction of your own boring us. and they don't have the integrity to be as completely boring as they should be. i am going to try it for the rest of the show. [laughter] is going quite well so far. >> you have a head start. joe what are you excited about? greenland, anything?
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>> it has been a roller coaster for greenland because if you read what he actually said he was in a meeting and said denmark is having a lot of trouble with how much if the spend and someone said you should buy it and he said is that even possible, what do you think? it's no point that he was going to buy it but people were offended at the idea that america wanted to buy them. you should be so lucky. [laughter] [applause] >> i don't understand why there's such a consensus among democrats that what they need to beat donald trump is boring candidate. if that were the case hillary clinton would have one in 2016. she is boring and actually impressive that she manages to be so boring. usually people who have been the subject of involved criminal investigation are at least a little bit exciting.
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[laughter] she is the most boring criminal ever. like i have eaten rice cakes with more pizzazz. i just think that maybe they should think about that but they don't. >> last word. i haven't laughed thi laughed td since i was a little schoolgirl. i witnessed a lot of racism but this white racist stuff is awesome. we're going to fight white people. this is amazing, you too little white boy in the truck you been bought. we have come -- we have to backup, were about to buy white people. [laughter] you put a unique spin on this. >> this is awesome, all white men -- >> greenland. >> i look forward to her 51st
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state. >> i thought people would agree. [laughter] lots more to come. which candidate had the best week, how about none of them. [cheering] these folks, they don't have time to go to the post office they have businesses to grow customers to care for lives to get home to they use stamps.com print discounted postage for any letter
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he is really weird. not only does he want to be just like you he wants to be like manny, moe and jack. they all want to be like you. watch mayor pete go down the slide. it is no fun being leader of the
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free world. watch kamala harris call bingo at the center. [inaudible conversations] [inaudible conversations] >> the elderly lady had more energy than joe. and she is younger. they should run her between the 2020 race elsa lost to the sky. >> today i am ending my campaign for president but i will never stop believing that america can only move forward when we work together. >> i think william sat on the very same porch and tried to sell me gold. [laughter] so he can the bruise gone, but this gu.he is right, here is ple
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piano. ♪ >> that poor man. what are you thoughts on the candidate. how do you feel about, let harris or beto o'rourke? >> when you're changing a tire i have to wonder how boring you think the internet is? >> i will not watch that i'll be on steven seagal wikipedia page. he is relaunching his campaign again. that's like relaunching the titanic after hit the iceberg. i can tell you how this one ends. leonardo dicaprio dies. i saved you all a good cry.
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>> i did not cry when that happened. [laughter] >> i did not either cat, thoughts on the candidate questioning. >> i have a whole bill de blasio saying he's going to win is because he is tall? you know things are going well when your best asset is something that all the other candidates could also have but they invested in a pair of stilts. and he might be right about the taller person usually wins but i bet all those people had something that he does not have which is literally everyone did not hate them, they were probably famous for something other than running an expensive city that smells like trash and i am sick and general of the candidates trying to show how much they are like me to get me too vote for them. i don't want this country run by me.
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[laughter] i don't even know where my socks are. [laughter] do you know where your socks are? >> yeah there on my damn feet. i have to hit him with tough love. first of all remember the christmas story, dad changed the tire, unless you change a tire like that you do not video it. eight seconds, not 45 minutes. i should not hear the sound of tools. if you are going down the slide at a park by yourself you are a creep you are not cool. [laughter] and obviously americans are watching the show, i have been warning about all white people for a long time. they are tricksters, you cannot trust them, she goes up, what does she do? her hands are behind her back.
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you have to wait until 7:00 o'clock -- [laughter] keeping it real greg. [laughter] she did walk into that trap right there. >> i have had all these signed with all these political stuff every day and the democrats want to be boring. and politics is boring and when you wake up in the first thing they sent you is the mayor of south bend, indiana going on a slight and as you say it's creepy because everyone else on the slide is 40 years younger than him. then the next thing i get is andrew yang doing a jazzercise class. have any of you ever seen andrey
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yang doing a jazzercise? he moves like rachel maddow. and that is a problem. politics has presented something interesting about seeing a grown man eat a corn dog. there's nothing interesting -- >> i big a different. >> i live for. >> he might be eating a corn dog while doing jazzercise. >> i would watch that in a heartbeat. joe biden is essentially like mother in cycle. they're keeping her in the attic until the very end. it is played by anthony perkins. up next most of no moe about freda.
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show ♪ ♪ >> he got hot and bothered over got in the godfather. chris comeau was caught on camera giving a guy back the call him freda. [bleep] i did not call you that. >> you call me that. you know my name [bleep] [bleep]
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[bleep] [bleep] >> is it wrong to be aroused. so the video goes everywhere, trump not only tweets about it but his campaign starts selling in shirt with a picture on it that says radio, italian americans say in the new york post, is nowhere near an equivalent. was a lesser brother in the movie. it is an insult to weaker less intelligent brothers. kind of the way of: 70 darth vader is an insult to absent fathers where the regulator or calling 70 hannibal is an insult
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to killing cannibals. or somebody called scarface is a highly successful motivated dealer. and you asked what if you the weaker brother. [laughter] i'm going to ask you, he has the term, inward,. >> i will have to give him know on that one. >> white people are inventing races names for each other. commack someone came at him with
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his family you have to defend yourself. every problem with his language and i will teach them and everyone else if you're in a situation where they disagree you have to hit them back to where they get confused and leave you alone. so we volunteer for me for. [laughter] say something aggressive. [laughter] >> you are -- >> now instead of hitting him i'm going to throw him down the stairs, good day sir. [laughter] he does not know what to do. good day sir.
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you want to complement aggressively in the press cannot repay them. >> he got my face and said good day sir. >> aggressive complements. >> kat you had come for confrontations in your life. how do thinkers handle that? >> i'm going to refrain from making fun of him, not because i particularly like him but because i do particularly like me and ending the karma. what if somebody takes a video of me runs out of egg salad. what i've done is cry.
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is that better? >> is it better. >> then you get the sympathy vote. >> and you release endorphins. >> how did you think, how did chris handle this? >> i think he has finally found something he is good at. [bleep] [bleep] leap in the bahamas on that. and he is not fredo, because as you explain, radio is the weaker brother. and he is still a monster so this would be like fritos brother and father being governor of new york and fredo being attorney general.
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he is not attorney general he is just hosting so somebody sees at laguardia for three hours. and they have gone home. he needs to take that woman to kamala harris. for her 93rd birthday, when it be great to send her a novelty birthday graham where chris comeau comes around and unleashes -- intergroup rate wedding anniversary, he is finally found something he is good at. but chris cuomo has found the sub fredo. >> maybe that happened after he found out that they didn't have
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anymore except for. >> frodo is from lord of the rings. >> is unimportant. i do think threatening them to throw him down the stairs it proves he's more of a sonny perdue but take the high road, if you don't like him, don't want to show like everyone else. [applause] an important italian and fredo is not equivalent to the f word or the in word, you cannot just keep adding. the word insult. >> what is this movie? >> jan brady. >> is art adam sandler, nope i
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don't care. >> stick to your egg salad. >> yes is so sexy as it sounds.
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>> will you please be mine if i show you my canine. the washington post is calling dog fishing. it's like kat fishing where people pretend to be someone else online but they just pretend to have a dog. creating users post photos of themselves and neglect to say it is not theirs. i like these photos, but they worked on suckers with the nurturing soul are dog lovers to share their sick passion. in the little creepy to me. speaking of creepy,. ♪
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[laughter] >> i did not know they were doing that. i did not know but every time we do that we sell more albums. caps, dating apps, this is kind of creepy. it is absolutely ridiculous that anyone is upset about this. people are upset that their posting pictures of dogs that are not there. every single person on a dating app is posting a life that is not there. believe me. i have been on dating apps and a look at a guy's profile and here he is with the fish, he's an
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adventure, it turns out they were all from the same trip six years ago and the only adventure he has taken since then is upstairs from his mom's basement to get mountain dew so we comply video games for six hours. i am no saint either. anyone who looked at my profile thanks and the happy smiley girl who wakes up with long hair. i don't post the real stuff. i don't post the pictures of me crying alone in a mcdonald's over the weekend. and if you date me that a be a part of our relationship. it is all a lie. the dog is the least of your problems. nobody dates the person under a dating profile. if you look at mine you don't know that a full sleep holding it. >> the whole thing is a lie.
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i do find this ridiculous because women find men who have dogs nurturing, that your first mistake ask michael vick or hitler. [laughter] maybe that was a bad reference. the point is, women are upset when they find out that is not ibb panda bear. they're much more upset when they meet me and find out i photoshopped my body as well. [applause] [laughter] >> inevitably the first person on the date will get exposed the have to lie with her looks and personality to offset the anger but the personality they wouldn't have the deception in the first place.
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>> the problem lies with the women. >> this whole thing rest on the apprentice but if the guy has a dog, he somehow knows how to treat a woman. i have had dogs and women and you treat them completely different. if i find myself -- i don't wake up in the morning and take the woman outside into the yard and throw a fit into stampers along after. [laughter] so i think the entire premise is false. >> i've hitler, michael vick, i'm out of the game.
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[laughter] lying about who you are goes back way before the internet. women have been lying forever. like kat is lying right now. >> how many -- i cannot tell you until we learn about the world of wigs how many times i was disappointed that she is beautiful long hair -- to me -- wait till they bring you in. >> you should be happy to find a woman that could afford a nice expensive wig. >> really. >> yes. >> really. >> yes. >> that's what you really decide. >> yes. >> the first hotel, it works from here. [cheering]
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>> they handled vibration when you're on vacation. london open the house plant hotel. the bik by bro tentacle with frf
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charge. it's a five star luxury lodge and open to all plants. except for robert. [laughter] so the hotel includes free food, and attendant and in health wellness team. pick them up when you get back. i love this idea because they love plants. my favorite is this one. >> [bleep] [laughter] i don't know what happened there. >> do take care of the house plans? >> i do when i was a kid. i was competing when i was kids. that would be my nightmare to take my plans to hotel to come out and see homeless guy and he
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says connive some money, you're taking implants to hotel. [laughter] >> is this a great scam? basically it's a greenhouse not a hotel. >> the whole point is having a plan is not having to tickers of the pre-people say i don't have cancer kids, i have plans. why in the blue hell -- this is what's wrong with america. it is not coming over here. if i see somebody walking to plant, what are you doing, i'm walking to the greenhouse. >> is going to be okay. [laughter] you can put it back in the pot. there's no reason to have somebody take care of your plant for weekend. >> it is for people when they go
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away and they have no friends to watch the plane. >> think you're right, it's social -- there will be more of this kind of stuff. >> that's what i was going to say. >> i don't know what word he said but i like it. i got it from anthony, he said punishes and nihilism. >> i had over birch tree plant and booked it into the ritz-carlton. [laughter] i booked it through tree vargo. [laughter] [applause] >> i bought that. [laughter] no you did not. >> plans are to needy for the
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very limited satisfaction that they bring. in case it's not clear what i am saying, let them die. >> let them die. plants do not hug you when they're crying. they do not bring you chicken noodle soup when you're sick so why are they so much harder to take care of then humans? they are harder, i know you said easy throw water on it but despite my best effort and i mean my very best effort, every single plant that i've ever had has died. me, human and still alive. i don't even really try that hard to take care of myself. >> i mean geewhiz,. >> are you sure the plants died or suicide.
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>> that is a modified joke used -- [laughter] [applause] >> enough of you. get your tickets for fall tickets in orlando. then atlanta september 15 omaha, jacksonville, durham and. jacksonville, durham and. final thoug when we started our business
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to be really, really good. >> wow. [applause] >> thanks. [cheers and applause] after goig through -- >> a harrowing time. thank you for joining us. eric will be back here tomorrow at noon eastern. >> president trump and his national security team. we will give you questions about the united states next step in our nation's longest war. good evening. i am john scott. this is the the fox report. the president met with top advisers and cabinet officials friday as part of the presidents work vacation at his golf club in new jersey. the president has said he would like to withdraw u.s. troops from afghanistan. there are concerns that it could cause a resurgence of the regions terrorist groups. kevin cork is near the golf club in berkeley heights, new jersey jersey. kevin. >> good to be with you. make no

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