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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  August 25, 2019 1:00am-2:00am PDT

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there is a lot about socialism and their plan to remake america.greg gutfeld * is comin. >> that may be a real challenge in 2020. >> some people are exhausted. >> people are getting exhausted. >> it becomes incredibly exhausting. >> they wear those maga hats. >> the country is exhausted. people are exhausted by his behavior. greg: trump did say you would get tired of winning. gregg * as the combined ages of the democratic frontrunners
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exceeds the able of stone hengs. >> i don't know what's going on with that. but it can be he doesn't care the way others have. greg: i guess cnn is all out of, hey, trump is crazy. it's hmm, he's completely the same. first he was nut, then was racist. now he's ageless. we have been looking at trump and it seems like he doesn't grow old. does that make him a vampire. as trump stays the same cnn looks like this.
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the last three years have damaged more people than others. trump looks great. you look great. i hook great. this was me three years ago, okay? this is me now. don't i look younger? anyway. cnn, they look at child celebrities. they are so cute in home alone. now look at them, what the hell happened? we understand the trump presidency and they don't. they can't separate the show from reality. and they are also bitter because they wanted hillary but they elected trump instead. remember cnn was the network who gave trump all the coverage. it made them so much money, now they regret it.
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only cnn can portray not aging as a bad thing. is it fair? i'm afraid-o not. don't encourage it. but imagine if trump was actually showing his able then cuomo would scream trump's declines a danger to the universe. here is my theory on trump's ageless men. the job isn't that hard. you get up, you have a meeting, you hop on a plane. you have another meeting. you watch "the five." you tell the chicago want steak. then you watch than tu, then you go to bed. trump showed us how other presidents wouldn't. how easy this job is. as the good news piles up, this week trump announced steps to
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forgive student loans owed by 25,000 disabled vets. in other good news. the number of 401k million airs hits an all-time high. or, as the media might report it. trump is racist. what do you expect from the fake news of which many of you are members? >> the fake news of which many of you are members is trying to convince the public to have a recession. let's have a recession. especially this guy. he's the most of bias. >> this guy is the most of biased reporter at nbc. i made a lot of money for nbc with the "apprentice" and i used to like them. >> are you happy about joe
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biden's gaffes? >> you should be able to ask the same question in a better way. you are so biased. that's why the public has no confidence in the media. did you hear what i said? go ahead. that's not saying much. because i don't think -- you know what? i don't think you have have much credibility. nbc has less credibility than cnn. that's not saying much. greg: priceless. a medal of honor, i bet he wanted one. >> medal of honor. nothing like the medal of honor. i wanted one, but they told me i don't qualify. i said can i give to it myself, they said i don't think that's a good idea. greg: the media took that
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seriously. the smart people said thank you very much. >> the smart people said thank you very much. the dumb people have no idea. then you have the political people and they go with the wind. greg: and it all comes together like a beautiful puzzle. >> it all comes together like a beautiful puzzle. greg: it does. as we watch the trump show, we know what to be upset about and what not to be. sure trump can be a handful. but he's less of a handful if you see what he's doing as opposed to what he's saying. he'll say anything like wondering if he can buy greenland. how does that surprise anyone in he's half real estate tycoon and half curious george. can i buy that in can i fire that guy? how much is earth? the media goes nuts every time he asks a question. but for him it's his inquisitive thing. what's about denmark coming an
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attitude. denmark should be flattered that we care. america is the cool kid in school. denmark is the chatty book warm. denmark is samantha from "16 candles" and america is jake. but, when you are a businessman, everything has a price. unlike politicians they make the transition obvious. like my good friend big dan. >> president trump wants to buy greenland. which is awesome. but that's not the only credible thing for sale if you know where to look. anything you can manage is on sale at unbeatable prices. can days a steal at $400 billion. big ben, not the giant clock, just some hairy guy in tennessee who goes by big ben.
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buy the letter p. we'll throw in a free copy of savage thunder. tell cally you will be on tv. you can count to 10 in aramaic. and a ferret is just $5 and we pay you for it. greg: forgive us if we see this as fun. we see the news and the show. at cnn they confuse the two. >> they have a lot of good people, even greg gutfeld.
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greg: he says that as if greg gutfeld isn't killing cnn daily on "the five" and on this show with tyrus. that math is inarguable. but what cooper said might bother me if anyone had seen it until now. you are welcome, anderson, by showing that clip i just tripled your audience. welcome in the guests. former profession confession. jonathon morris. it's the second funniest devito. comedian joe devito. he has apprehensions about hair extensions. kat timpf.
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antarctica is his foot locker. tyrus. greg: could not aging mean he's an anti-christ? >> that sounds like a religious question. i don't think he has enough decision toward principles. you have to ask to do something terrible. greg: you could wear that jacket. >> let me explain. i wore black -- tyrus: he wore the same outfit forever. he's just happy to have his collar off. >> i wore black and white for a very long time.
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i am so excited. tyrus you are so excited about this. that's unbelievable. what do you think? kat: i think it' great. give the guy a break. i think he wants to wear colors. tyrus: judging by that anger spat, no wonder he left. greg: joe, what do you think of this? >> we have an excellent height thing going until we get to the end of this panel. i think -- i have been to greenland and we should just take it. greg: what were you doing in greenltd? >> i was performing at tule air force base in greenland. this is ones of trump's great moves where it sounds like he's
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thinking out loud. but this is how he gets things done. he'll say something like that. they will turn around, ways area 52? when did that get here? greg: i will say this about cuomo. he's right it's a true observation that trump hasn't aged. my theory is because he's not drink or smoke or vaping. >> and [bleep]. kat: i have a problem whenever i see anyone not aging because i do. i agree with you that i can't believe that people were surprised that trump wanted to buy greenland. because he has spent his whole life buying places. like i think it would be the same if i were the president,
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right? i would be giving the state of the union and all of a sudden i would go into a story about one of my ex-boyfriends. and people would say what is she doing, it's so absurd? i would say, have you not been paying attention? because this makes perfect sense. i would be like greenland didn't text me back. i would be like the economy is so good even you can get a job ex-boyfriend who never got a job. greg: i know who you are talking about. tyrus, take it home. tyrus: i'm always excited about buying places where white people live. i think that's great. i think we have gotten to a point where i would like to challenge the president. don't say anything for 24 hours. what would they do? silence watch. 10 hours in. did you see the way he rolled
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his eyes? trump's racist facial expression. the fact that every time he says something you have to talk about it for an hour. greg: minimum. tyrus: [bleep] i wish every time i said something a panel would get together. he made a joke. can we buy the place? it's -- it's not an nbc special. greg: the medal of honor line was picked up and treated as though wanted -- kat: everyone said this is so offensive to veterans. that's why the room full of veterans was laughing. greg: all of trump's jokes are funny because they are
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politically incorrect or offensive and it's part of his appeal and a pledge. >> we know what our president thinks because he says it. imagine if hillary clinton were president right now. wev would have no idea what she is thinking. we would have no idea. kat: probably thinking about wine. >> okay. sometimes it's crazy. but we say how peaceful is it to know that we know what our president is thinking. he tweets it. how awesome is that? greg: so awesome we'll keep talking about it. biden trie tries to grab votersh
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greg: he didn't endorse with much force. despite all his gaffes, joe biden is still leading in the polls. that's why his wife said this. >> your candidate might be better than, i don't know, healthcare, than joe is. but maybe you have to swallow a little bit and say i personally like so and so better.
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but your bottom line has to be that we have to beat trump. greg: i have heard mice give cats better endorsements. my husband doesn't have the best ideas, by's not so bad. vote for joe because, eew, donald trump. >> we know in our bones the election is different. the stakes are higher, the threat more serious. we have to beat donald trump. he'll restore the soul of the nation battered by anker rattic, vicious, bullying president. greg: they are playing the trump's a jerk card. i think their next ad should be more honest about this. tell the people what you really mean like this.
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>> in our bones things are going great, the economy, jobs, peace, it's what makes it so hard to couple a reason not to vote for trump it's a presidency based on peace and results. sure unemployment is at a 50-year low. but forth get all that, don't vote for him base's stop big meany. consumer optimism is higher than ever. but trump doesn't read to children and he gives fast food to football teams. >> that was the sun in my eyes. any way he can turn the lights down? >> he may be ending a war. but he doesn't own a dog with no plans of getting one. >> a dogless president is bleeped up.
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he's so he's cold to jim acosta. too cnn should be ashamed of having you working for them. you are a rude person and you shouldn't be work for cnn. greg: it probably is a good strategy to go not on policy but on personality. that the most of obvious thing you can do. >> i don't know if joe biden has the joe biden vote locked down. you may have to swallow and grit your teeth. you may have to take a pill of some type. you may have to wear a hat pulled down and sunglasses and a fake mustache. but vote for that guy because i don't want him around the house. i think she wants -- if you are
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76 years old, don't release an ad called bones. i thought it was for tylenol spaits p.m. greg: do you think half the country could go for this? kat: i got the vibe from this whole thing that joe biden is basically a guy who is madly in love with this girl who likes him fine, but doesn't want to date him. so he just like babe in this scenario, in america we are babes. babe, i know i don't have a job and i live with my mom and i can only get aroused when i hear "we are the champons on the accordion, but at least i'm not
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a serial killer and we can get someone to play the accordion whenever we want. but i don't know women who will go for that. greg: tyrus, is he going to make it to the nomination? tyrus: yes web's not going to do anything. having a woman behind you like that is an amazing feeling. i often think of sometimes a woman would stand behind me like that. it's always nice when someone goes, do you miss tyrus? yeah, yeah. >> it's terrible. it's mean. you can't correct her. honey, remember that exciting endorsement you are going to give me? what happened, what did i say that's wrong? i will give it to them at least -- here is the difference with the ads. republicans are always accused of fear mongering. democrats try to do it, beto
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o'rourke is really doing it. they are bad at it. he said if america, we are dying in our sleep if we don't make changes. to be honest, the point is, they try to scare us with fear mongering but they attack the republicans for it. but telling us if we don't vote for bind you are going to die in your sleep also could be ironic. greg: the last word to you jonathan. the media is making it a national emergency anyway. >> i want to hear more from jill. she is amazing. i used to give a lot of nairnl counseling. i imagine if jill is speaking about why you should not vote for joe, otherwise you get trump. joyce probably kicking her under
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the table, right? that's basically what married couples do. you kick each other under the table. >> they are one sidekicks. the rest of us smile and take it for the camera. >> i would love to hear why his policies aren't that good. that's basically what she said. i want to hear more from jill it's good to see the whole marriage thing. watch the feet under the table. tyrus: mediocre joe, why not. greg: up next, sean spicer probably makes people care about dancing with the stars. the good news? our comfort lasts all day. the bad news? so does his energy. new depend® fit-flex underwear offers your best comfort and protection guaranteed. because, perfect or not, life's better when you're in it. be there with depend®.
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greg: is it too dicey to dance with spicy? stupid people on social media had a fit. the losers are mad sean expires, trump's first white house spokesman was picked. why are they mad? because he was trump's first spokesman. even the show's host covered his
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ass saying it wasn't my idea. i didn't want nun political. blame the producer. he's the game show version of a snitch. people scream boycott because they need to scream about something. i guess that's better than screaming about nothing like my buddy steve. what got his goat? somebody shoot me. tyrus. thoughts? tyrus: first of all, good luck to him. it's going to be tough. i myself, 2014, i was the wwe dancer of the year. so i know how it affected me. and it will be tougher than these cry babies on social
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media -- who cares. who cares? good day, sir. 's all you got -- that's all you got? dwangs stars is about having people -- dancing with the stars is about having famous people showing they still can move and are not in a rehab hospital somewhere. who cares if he's doing this. good for him. why not. greg: kat: , i -- kat, if you were verntin -- venting outrage, you must be living at home at your parents' house where you don't have to pay rent and all you can do is sit around and do this crap. you have to be pathetic. kat: i'm going to give these
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people the benefit of the doubt. i saw the reaction. and it was very extreme. which leads me to believe the on explanation is these people must be confused. all of you out there that were mad about this. i'm talking to you. you might not realize this. but sean spicer dancing on tv is actually not going to kill you or your family. okay? and then one more thing they might be confused about. you are actually not going to be forced to watch it. nobody from abc is going to come in and put a gun to your head saying watch him dance or you will die. you can watch something else. you can go for a walk. or you can be grateful that you must not have any real problems. greg: exactly. there is a hole in their life. i think it might and spiritual
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one. >> this is the weirdest thing. i'm sitting here with four comedians. so i'm supposed to say something funny. this is important here. watch what the outrage here has to do with the fact that somehow we believe that if there is a conservative they cannot be on national television in a prominent spot. while the country is 50-50. how crazy is it that we are getting upset that 50% of the country is being represented in some way dancing. is that wild? right? and yet there is a tiny percentage in hollywood saying that can't happen because it doesn't represent us. it's wild. greg: that's a great point. joe, how great was tom.
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he remind me of the kid in class when the other kid did something, he said i had hog to do with it -- i had nothing to do with it, but i will give you the names. >> he's the 20th century version of america's home videos. i would only watch this if he danced with the podium in front of him the whole time. >> the reason why he has him on is because of ratings. 50% of the country says i want somebody else who represents something other than hollywood. i hope he's a good dancer. i don't think he is. i could be totally wrong. but he knows exactly what he's doing. and that the inauthentic reality that everybody says, oh, my
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gosh, are you kidding me? he will come out and say i got totally surprised by this. greg: tom, if you are watching, and i know you are. you are a coward. you should have supported the guy. ratings gold. next. if your adventure... keeps turning into unexpected bathroom trips. you may have overactive bladder, or oab. not again! we're seeing a doctor when we get home. myrbetriq treats oab symptoms of urgency, frequency, and leakage. it's the first and only oab treatment in its class. myrbetriq may increase blood pressure. tell your doctor right away if you have trouble emptying your bladder or have a weak urine stream. myrbetriq may cause serious allergic reactions, like swelling of the face,
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greg: you will get more sex with emojis in our texts. people who use emojis are bettering social connections and are more likely to have sex with dates. the survey of texting habits.
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found that emoji users are better that establishing intimacy. you know, kat. it's the best way to get out of a conversation. when you are texting. everybody when they are texting know they want to get out of the conversation but either one won't. you do a thumbs up. >> this story made me upset. my dad uses a lot of emojis. lots of them. thanks for doing this to me. i am bothered that this study happened. i'm confused that it happened. who on god's green earth sees an emoji and says i need to know how often the people who use
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those bang. are they banging more than the non-emoji people or less than non-emoji people? they analyze data for more than 5,000 people to figure this out. imagine how these researchers felt going work every day to do this while other researchers are looking for a cure to cancer. which is arguably more useful. greg: yes, it is. kat: and i wouldn't have to think about my dad like that. greg: the best thing is to use cheerful emojis after bad news. at work, sorry, noise room in the budget for a race, followed by a laughing face. >> have we shifted from the dating part. now i can talk about emojis for other things? finally the he know mowies sound interesting to me. which is totally -- right?
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greg: father john. use it' not father john anymore. tyrus: formerly known as. >> thank you, tyrus, i like that. emojis is a cheap way to easy way of saying you don't understand my emotions, but i'm going to throw out something that might make you understand that i am trying to express my emotions. so we are going to leave it at that. greg: this is the best way to communicate. this is what we did before word were inverntsed. it's a version of cave painting. cave people had a lot of sex. they started it all. >> if emojis are the cheap and
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easy way for dating. now you are talking my language. sometimes i look at it and say am i a wagon wheel. rainbow cook? map of japan? i read this study. now my dating profile is a series of emojis. what does that mean, egg plants emojis. what does it mean? tyrus: it means you pee standing up. greg: do you use emojis and why? tyrus: no, i'm a grown-ass man. kat: my father does fibrous * i think everyone on that lied.
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a man would say i have been with the same woman for 8 years of course i'm not having sex. why would i put a happy face at the end of my sentence when i'm not happy. kat. kat: you can do creepy things and it seems cute. a week after i started dating my boyer friend i started sending him the pregnancy emoji, hah, hah, hah just kidding. greg: we uncovered the biggest media scandal
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greg: our national days a made-up craze. a lot o of the national days lie national avocado zeems drive up sales. it has become totally meaningless. but i disagree. i say we need more national days. so we came up with a few here. national eat a large fish at your desk day.
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must include the head. trick a vulture into thinking you are dead so you can punch it in the face day. national tell the babysitter they can't have any food or beverages from the fridge day. always good to do that. national eat an entire aftermayonnaise while on der tine jar of -- -- eat an entire jar of ma may of of mayo on the. and hit every button on the elevator and at every stop shout. park your car on the right line the parking spot so the guy
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parked next to you has to get in on the has even ever side. i do that to kilmeade every week. and he drives a yugo. this is the real finish. national tell a child the world is an empty, scary place filled with disappointments at best and abject misery at worst. day. father jonathon. >> why is that funny? that's a terrible thing. i suggest a national day of civility. be actually kind on social media. yes. you know you want that. you know you want that. that would be a wonderful thing. just take the day off. national day of kindness on social media.
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agree? greg: how about joe's national say something super offensive on twit every day. >> that's every day. i am look forward to october 29. it's national opium day. kat: that's my birthday. i am going to get together with grimley and see if there are any sparks. greg: he's alive, right? >> he is. he was younger than you. kat, any days you want? kat: there needs to be scene overhaul of everything. all the national days now are for different kinds of booze and bread and cheese combinations, and everybody is celebrating them, aka they are killing us slowly. i think we need to have national days that make us better as people.
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for example, national tell your granted ma she doesn't need to leave a voicemail telling you she called because you can tell that from the missed calls. or national walking outside to smoke a cigarette doesn't count as exercise day. got to be one. which is what is happening now. tyrus: i would like a national tell her what i really think today without any consequences. greg: that's a good day. tyrus: it's the truth. don't kick me out again. kat: i like it when the guy i'm dating says something that's not nice. because then i cry and he has to make it up to me.
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tyrus: not on my day. i can say the and you have to go, bam. greg: okay. speak of a great day. get your tickets for the gutfeld monologue. it begins october 14 in orlando, florida. plus shows in maugham, jacksonville, knoxville. go to ggutfeld.com
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greg: final thoughts? kat: thursday, august 29 i will be at the new york city's comedy club with dr. drew it will be so
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fun. get your tickets because it will be so fun. greg: it will be. thanks. i love back at 1:00 tomorrow. mike: president trump wrapped up his first day at the g-7 summit. growing anxiety over a global slowdown. new provocations from return, north korea and russia. i'm mike emanuel and this is "the fox report." the president arrived in coastal france this morning after exchange a new round of retaliatory tariffs with beijing. the president suggesting american companies find an alternative to china. good evening, john. >> good

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