tv Bay Area Focus With Susan Sikora CW December 22, 2013 8:00am-8:31am PST
♪ [ music ] . as a parent, do you often feel like a referee in your own home? here how to accept your child while maintaining discipline. then, how to create a room when social media is here to change. and when christmas three days away, we'll show you presents you can make. that's oon bay area focus, next.
>> hi, i'm susan sikora. welcome to bay area focus. meet nancy rose, a former tax attorney and c. p. a., nancy now gives advice on parenting. her theory? accept your children for who they are, rather than for who you wish they'd be. what's the difference between acceptance and weak discipline? she explains in her book, raise
the child you got, not the one you want. nancy, welcome. good title. >> thank you, susan. >> it almost implies people don't like the ones they've got. >> well, it is pretty provocative, depending on where they're coming from, people read in to it. but i chose a very provocative title because i think people need to hear this message that acceptance is a fundamental human need and it just doesn't seem to be heard lately. >> okay. we'll get to what that all means and how that works in a second. but just before we get into all of this, you have two sons, they're now grown. and your background was you're a cpa, a lawyer. how did you get from that to parenting expert? >> right. i actually don't call myself a parenting expert, i call myself the acceptance advocate. i'm a speaker, and coming from my legal background, i'm making a case for children here. and the parenting tips come along with that. but there are so many well
qualified parenting experts. so, i call myself the acceptance advocate. and you will get plenty of parenting tips along with that. >> okay. you say you have to accept for who your kids are, their core self versus managing what they do. so in other words, it's not everything is fine, honey. how do you know the difference? >> i'm so glad you brought that upright away. there's a fundamental distinction here between accepting who your child is and accepting their behavior. we as parents must accept who our children are. who they are. we do not need to just automatically accept bad behavior. in fact, it's our job as a parent to teach our children what proper behavior is. >> what happens if i think my kids' bad behavior is who he is? >> well, that's an interesting question. i think if you go through the exercises in my book, the framework in my book for understanding who your child is, you'll have a better idea of
whether it's behavior related or temperament related. >> i wonder how much this is from naturally so a parent's ego. i have a child, i want a mini me. if i'm good at music, you got to be able to carry a tune. if i'm a good speaker, you better not mumble. >> exactly, susan. and having a fantasy of who your child is going to be is natural. it's normal. everyone who has a child thinks in their mind, oh, i wonder if my child will be this way or that way. for me, i always imagined i would have a little girl who would sit in the stroller, i would push her around, we'll go to the mall and buy cute accessories for us. when the reality came, my son jordan, feisty and strong willed, those kinds of outings were not in the picture, we got kicked out of mommy and me class. there's nothing wrong with having the fantasy with what
your child will be like. the problem comes in when that child is not too close to what that fantasy is. you don't realize this was just a fantasy. i need to deal with the child has right before me. >> can you give me a specific example that might happen today in somebody's home, your child shows you who he or she is. they show you, how do they know? besides going through the stuff in yours respectfully book -- stuff in your book, what do they go through? >> nine traits. >> give me one. >> i'm going to talk about intensity today. that often leads to conflict or hot spots, i call them between a parent and child. if there's a mismatch in intensity. so, if a parent is mellow, go with the flow, just, you know, life is good, wakes up, you know, and, you know, everything's cool. mellow. and the child is very intense. meaning, they feel their feelings very deeply. both positive and negative. they're going to respond loudly,
intensely, they wear their feelings on their sleeves so to speak. you never have to guess how a childlike that is feeling. >> and at the moment, that's when the parent should say, this is how my child responds, that's not what i would do, that's the difference of who he or she is. >> right. if a parent understand, you can't say to a child, why do you have to make such a big deal about everything? if you say that to a child with an intense personality, that child has no way of knowing how to behave differently. >> but the making of the big deal screaming at somebody, that's managing behavior. >> that's exactly right. what i would say, let's say you're in a store, your daughter wants you to buy her a toy. >> happy holidays. >> there you go. [ laughter ] in my case, this happened all year long. i want that toy. i'm sorry, honey. i'm not going to buy you that toy. you can't have that toy. and the child starts to scream
and explode, you know, melt down, we call it now. what do you do? is the melt down something you should accept? absolutely not. what you need to accept is that the child feels this very deeply and very strongly. >> mm-hmm. >> so, now, in this example, you're probably not going to have great results in the heat of the moment. >> yeah, that's when everybody's looking and you want to do something quickly because you're embarrassed. >> right. but i won't handle that right now, i'll talk about how to handle this intensity leading to acceptance. what you would do later is to say honey, i understand how much you want that toy. i know you've been seeing it on tv, and you really want it. and you, when you really want something, you feel it very deeply. now, this is accepting their intensity. even if you as a parent aren't like that. okay? but you're giving them permission to want that toy! >> the feeling's okay, not the
way you express it in public, we might have to work on. >> and here's the phrase i love to use, at the same time, okay, at the same time it's not okay for you to scream and cry be disrespectful in the store or anywhere. >> okay. i think we got the difference there. if parents and children are alike, does this make this easier, and you don't have to work as hard at it? >> you know, it does make it easier in many respects. i do point out in my book that there is, there's a trap there. because if a parent and child are too much alike, and the child does follow in the parents' footsteps, a golden child you might call them, what happens is often that child feels like he or she needs to continue this role as the perfect golden child. >> obligated, yeah. >> and becomes reluctant to show any parts of him or herself that
aren't golden. >> what i read, this is interesting because it makes you think about also, how much of what your parent did not achieve perhaps and wants you to do, my dreams weren't fulfilled, you fulfill them or you become a version of me, a lot of that stuff in there, if your kids are acting up at the holidays, good suggestions. no cell phones at the table, for a good suggestion. raise the child you've got, not the child you want. and nancy rose is the author, you can get more information from her at her website, nancyjrose.com. thank you. stay with us, more ahead. >> thank you. ♪ [ music ]
>> welcome back. you may be job seeking and trying to make new contacts in the process. but has that process changed? has the cheese, wine, and business card thefts been replaced with texting? is linkedin enough? or is working the room still a must? for an update we welcome back networking expert, susan roan. she's the author of face to face and how to work a room, now marking its 25th, count them, anniversaries and still selling. susan, congratulations on the book. >> yeah, i rewrote it, i knocked out things, added new chapters. since 2007.
people haven't changed, the world has changed. >> okay. so social media i assume is the biggest change in here. does that mean we don't have to be able to work the room and dw go to the cheese and wane parties -- wine parties? >> not only does it mean that, we better show up, because while everybody's online, who you meet face to face, there's a connection we make when we're having a conversation. and the certify serendipitous comment, oeshs oh, yeah, i think they're working for someone, i have a cousin. that is not going to happen online. it's not an either /or. it's both. i have friends that do that, really? you're out dated. on the other hand, if you can't work a room, socialize, your personal life and your business life is impacted. >> you've got to be able to do both. a lot of people will go in to some party, if they're looking for work, maybe the reason they
went to the party if the first place, now they really need to get work. the question becomes, how do i not look like i'm looking for something, hi, how are you, can you do me a favor? that's not going to be my opening line, do you have to hide it or what? >> i just spoke to a wonderful group, experience unlimited this week. and these people were people who had jobs that disappeared. and they're of all ages. the holidays don't misunderstand. people are more generous during the season. this is the time to go. and you know, you never say, can you get me a job. when people say, what are you doing? well, you know, i'm here because i'm in transition. and i just thought this would be a great opportunity to meet people who know people. >> but isn't transition code for you got fired, isn't that code? >> that's fine. if it feels more comfortable to say i'm in transition, looking for options, rather than, when you say i'm laid off, they ousted me and they dumped our
division, say transition. it's okay that's in code. we use a lot of code words. >> okay. when it comes to you, we don't have the interview yet. we want to get the interview. we want to meet the person. so if we don't go to these things or we do, do some other things, does a letter work, does an e-mail work, where do you begin with this stuff if you don't know anybody? hey, you don't know me, but you'll have a great time meeting me. >> well, isn't that what people do when they fill out a job board? they're cold sending and what people have discovered in the get a job world is, you know what? you do that online, and you're sending the resume online and some of them never get opened. so really, a letter which is so unusual might get more opened, but again, the best is show up at events where you meet people face to face. we need to combine both worlds. it isn't going to be efficient
enough. but yes, send a letter, yes pick up the phone. but when you can pick up the phone because you met someone who will say oh, here's the name. now, here's the new thing. the e-intro. this is great. you can make a match, you don't have to get dressed up and put a ton of make up like i did today for the show. what you can do, you can just use e-mail and introduce two people, and say nice things about them that you know about them. and have them continue the conversation. oh, i'd like you to meet so and so. just met them, so those of us that think of ourselves as people who network, you can introduce people online. >> so this is back to who you know. >> it's always who you know. >> it never left that, has it? >> i'm laughing and i'm going to say my head off when i read oh, the hidden job market, 80% of the jobs are who you know. really? it's always been that way. remember when i designed this service for the examiner back in
other generations? we said the same thing. so it's someone you know, knows someone who knows someone. and that's what linkedin tried to capitalize on. >> you like linkedin. you like twitter? >> i'm such a tweeter. for my 4th anniversary, they sent me a happy anniversary. >> you like something else called four square. i didn't know about that. if you're going to do one, you want introductions --. >> linkedin is the best. >> more serious? >> it's really about business. but the other thing is, if you can use twitter, follow hashtags about companies you're interested in, or people with that company. twitter is a wonderful way to do some research as well. >> do you find that younger people in particular who maybe are growing up with this stuff and certainly are, and they're e-mailing and texting and twittering and doing all the facebook, all that stuff first
as opposed to going to the parties in person, do you find that their interpersonal skills in person, the low teches if you will, or the high touch, as you call it, are weaker? those skills are weaker? >> we think they are. because when you're doing everything online, you can plan what you're going to say, edit it. when i'm sitting, talking to you and we're at a party as we have been in the past, oh my goodness. i hopefully have enough filters to edit. but i can't correct my spelling. and a lot of these people don't even use the phone. this is the other thing, people stay away from the phone because they can't think about what they're going to say. and edit it as a pons. sponz -- response. here's me saying, pick up the phone if you can't be face to face. go to the parties, say yes. in how to work a room, i quote my own book, how to create your own look, i founded that the number eight and most important traits of people who created their own luck, job luck, they said yes when they wanted to say
no and they showed up. just being in that space, the certify serendipity. you go to a party, you're standing next to someone at the vegetable dip, potato chips, but that's another story. and you find out they have a son or daughter or grandmother who knows, whatever. and this is the thing i'm going to say. please, please, don't just go on by their age, their clothe, their ethnicity. you never know who knows who. >> two quick points, do i need business cards still? >> there are people who don't use them. they put their smartphones together. >> and the phones kiss choth. >> yeah, but, but -- that being said, well designed that someone of every age could read your number and your e-mail, yeah. >> okay. yeah. and the other question, i know it's a point, christmas is wednesday already. but there are still some holiday parties going on. if they're work related, in the workplace, you say holiday
parties are still? >> holiday parties are still business, dress like it. don't overdrink, don't overeat, watch your language and absolutely behave! and for holiday parties, the book's out the 31st as is the audio book, you can preorder it and after the party, everybody can start their new life. >> on kindle? >> on kindle, ipad, you can start it now. >> a card, an iou. how to work a room, everybody trying to get a job, older trying to reinvent themselves and probably just about everybody in between. it's 25 years old, they asked you to redo, and she has updated it, i read one of the chapters last night. i'm impressed with what you know. susanroane.com.
>> okay, christmas is is wednesday. and if your gift list is still a to-do, we have a few last minute saves. here with some easy ideas, i hope they're easy, i don't cook much. you might even create yourself, food columnist from the santa cruz sent nel, donna -- sentinel, donna. >> yes, everybody likes chocolate. you can do these things at the last minute. not so much running out the door, they have to set. but pretty quickly. >> okay. now you have to have the ingredients first, you can't
start the recipe and find you don't have butter. >> this is easier than that. >> the ingredients, doesn't that kind of get expensive? you start buying baking things, groceries are not cheap these days. >> no, they're not. but all of these, and i will show you, all of these are made with stuff that you probably have around the house. >> old stuff? no, all right. what is this we're looking at? >> here, you just take ordinary marshmallows, correct. and you turn them in to chocolate dipped market mall owes, sprinkle them with the jimmies if you want them to look festive. >> how fresh do they have to be? >> reasonably, you know. i mean, i wouldn't use them from last year. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> okay. but. >> if they bounce on the table, it's too old. >> right. exactly. or you can get these peanut butter filled prets pretzels from costco, you end up with chocolate these.
this is a, you know, these are home-made truffles that you can make in no time at all. >> what did you dip in to chocolate there? >> this is the chocolate. this is the chocolate. >> yeah, okay. >> 100%. >> what's that? that looks good. >> if you like brownie krufts, that's my -- crusts, that's my name. this is the ultimate. i saw these at costco, they're called brownie brittle and i bought a bag of them, $7. i could make these myself. so i went home, i had a box of ghirardelli's brownie mix. i love it. it's the best. >> okay. >> and you just mix it according to the package directions. okay. i added more oil, maybe about two table spoons more. >> any kind? you can't use olive oil, something lighter. >> yeah, vegetable oil. yes. and then you get two cookie sheets, you line them with
baking parchment. easy to find that where you buy wax paper. and then you divide the brownie batter in two and spread it as thin as you can on that baking parchment and then you bake it at the usual temperature, 325 for about 20-30 minutes until it's set. and then cool it on a rack. and then when it's hardened, you just break it in to bits like this, and it's called brownie brittle. and that's all it is, brownie mix. >> i notice you have a little appliance there. like an ice cream scoop, i think that makes it look more professional, more special. >> and this is how i made the truffles. just scoop in your hand, and then you roll it in to a ball. to make the chocolate, the beauty, again, i love ghirardelli with cocoa.
something rich. >> you want a good chocolate. >> and what i'll do, you put about eight ounces of those in to a bowl and a cup of heavy cream or, most chocolate clips come in -- chips come in a 12 ounce bag, and an ounce of heavy cream, put that in the microwave for about 45 seconds, take it out, stir it slowly, and then put it back in again for maybe another 30 seconds or so. and then take it out and stir it slowly, you don't want to stir too much air in to it, and that's called ganache. and then you get your marshmallows and you just plop it in to that chocolate, lift it out with a fork, tap the fork on the edge of the bowl, to tap the excess, you put it on wax paper, you know, whatever. until it hardens. >> okay. now, you're going to wrap this more festively, right? >> absolutely. >> i'm gog give my mother's
festive wrap, she did this in new jersey, growing up, all these cookies at christmas time, eleanor, if you're watching, she used to get red and green cellophane, that's the hard thing about this. put it in a paper plate kind of thing, had a bowl, and she's wrap it and she wasn't cheap with the paper, get plenty. put a bow around it, the contrast and these things were all over the house. really made it look festive. >> yeah. >> all right, it sounds good, donna, you can get more from donna in her column, food for thought and that's at the santa cruz sentinl.com. and after that, i'm gog eat the chocolate things. >> yes, please do. >> okay. we want to wish you a merry christmas at the bay area focus and we leave you with michael's christmas ballet. at herbe gardens. i'm susan sikora, su very much for watching bay area focus.
f0 this is kpix 5 news on kbcw. good morning. it is 8:30 on sunday, december 22, believe it or not. we've got a lot to talk about, even a fight over shoes. >> and of course, the last regularly scheduled game at candlestick park is going on tomorrow. we're going to be airing that over on kpix 5. talking about major league sports stadiums in the bay area in general, the a's, raiders, warriors, a lot of movement when it comes to that. we're going to talk a little bit about the risk to taxpayers and what do cities get out of these deals. >> and what they wind up paying. the alameda supervisor is coming in for that discussion. also in san