tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 9, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i hope you're ready to party. i really do. hey, you know, tonight is mardi gras. it's a big night of celebration. mardi means tuesday in french. gras means fat. it is fat tuesday in new orleans right now. everybody is drunk. even the babies. nobody gets a pass on mardi gras. it's an interesting day in america today because we're voting for candidates for president in one state and flashing our nipples in another state. [ laughter ] in new hampshire today the first official primary of the election season, and they had a bit of fat tuesday action themselves. this is a pig, a 600-pound pig. it escaped from a local farm. it made its way to a polling location. a school in pelham, new hampshire.
to round the pig up. [ laughter ] this officer appeared to be doing some kind of a square dance with the animal. swing your partner do-si-do. they got in touch with the owner. watch this pig tormenting the police. [ laughter ] the owner came, stuffed it in the back seat of his kia sorrento and the pig is safe back home on his farm. and month, the pig did not wind up at the polling place because he was being chased by chris christie. that is a rumor. and shame on you guys for even thinking that was true. [ laughter ] this is the -- this is the 10th -- the 100th anniversary of the new hampshire primary. they've been doing this, this primary in new hampshire since bernie sanders was 5 years old, if you can imagine that. [ laughter ] bernie sanders and donald trump were the winners tonight. i don't know. i think people are confused. you realize i made those jokes because chris christie is fat and bernie sanders is old, right?
oh, okay, you -- i wasn't clear. anyway. bernie is very popular in new hampshire. hillary clinton today spent the whole day quietly googling the words life expectancy for old man in snowy weather. [ laughter ] there was quite a bit of snow in new hampshire. but the candidates, they didn't let that get them down. jeb bush and john kasich had fun. here's jeb throwing snowballs. here's kasich throwing snowballs. those snowballs, they're throwing, those are the ones that don't have a chance in hell in this election. [ laughter ] jeb pulled out the big gun. he had his mother barbara out campaigning for him this week. they did a bunch of interviews together. which really was funny to see. jeb sitting there being interviewed next to his mom, it looked like a parent-teacher conference. [ laughter ] and jeb's brother george is pitching in too. george bush narrated an ad that ran during the super bowl in new hampshire and south carolina where he made a strong case for why we should all be on team jeb. >> america needs help. parents can't put food on their
isn't learning. i know jeb. i know his good heart. it's inside his body. next to other things like his stomach. which is where his snacks go. i know that. and i know that experience and judgment count in the oval office, which is the room where the president works at his desk. that's where my little brother would work if he were president. which don't bet on it but don't misunderestimate jeb either. he's got a cute little wife, and he's a good little guy. and he knows how to open doors for america. [ laughter ] jeb bush. [ applause ] >> jimmy: nice. you know, bernie sanders may be the old man in this race, but from an energy standpoint he's wearing some of his supporters in new hampshire out. a guy passed out in front of him at a rally in concord on wednesday.
derry a woman went down for the count. >> whatever the issue may be, what i will tell you is there is one issue out there -- >> jimmy: that was quite a reaction. almost krameresque. let's look at that again. >> one issue out there -- >> jimmy: like a mad scientist. [ laughter ] at least we know he's cool in time of crisis. [ laughter ] let's watch that one more time but in slow motion and this time in reverse. here he comes. [ laughter ] like scooby doo saw a ghost. [ applause ] meanwhile, kanye west is not currently running for president but he should. at this point he might as well because, well, last night on twitter kanye announced that
forthcoming album for the third time. first he announced it was called "so help me god." then he changed it to "switch." then he changed it from "swish to "waves." and now he changed it again. kanye changes the name of his albums as often as diddy changes the name of his name. it's really crazy. [ laughter ] last night he tweeted this. he said that's the new album, anybody who can figure out the title gets ticket to season 3 shoes. and this is the mysterious acronym. at studio final versus new album title t period l period o period p. sought so the initials are t.l.o.p. and we have to figure out what that stands for and if we do we'll win. and i think i have it figured out. can i get a drum roll here? [ drum roll ] yes, thank you. kanye's new album t.l.o.p. stands for tommy lasorda obviously poops.
thank you. size 11. by the way, kanye also tweeted this about an hour ago. bill cosby innocent. [ laughter ] which to me is a terrible name for an album. it is. valentine's day is on sunday. that means the price of roses is about to go way up. valentine's day is the only holiday where a plant suddenly becomes astronomically expensive and we're okay with it. it would be like if on easter they charged $20 an egg. [ laughter ] but we buy them anyway. the florida retail federation says this year consumers will spend an average of $147 on flowers, chocolate, jewelry and other valentine's stuff. and that's in florida. so you can imagine how much they'll spend in normal states. probably quite a bit more. [ laughter ] this is interesting. somebody did a study about the sex lives of married people. they concluded that the happiest couples have sex an average of four times a month. which it seems a little bit low, right? so i thought it would be fun to
around on hollywood boulevard how, you know -- what their number is. well, let's go outside to my cousin sal now. now, sal and i -- my cousin sal. >> how are you doing in? >> jimmy: we have a friend who've been married more than ten years. he claims he and his wife have sex -- how often did he say, sam? >> dan sanborn? >> jimmy: yeah. >> he said four times a week. >> jimmy: four times a week which is 16 times a month, which i think you should go to prison for that, right? [ laughter ] >> i don't believe him. he's already got six kids and he's balding worse than i am. >> jimmy: well, again, we shouldn't mention his name. you already did. couple. this couple has no idea what i'm going to ask them. they've just been asked to stop okay. where are they? okay. there we are. hi. what's your name? >> hi. karen pierce. >> and husband rob. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, what was your name? >> rob.
>> owensboro, kentucky. >> jimmy: wow. are you on vacation? >> yes. >> jimmy: have you been robbed yet? >> hopefully not. >> jimmy: hopefully not. okay. good. yes. how long have you been together? may i ask? >> we've been married 15 years. we dated -- we were high school sweethearts. so dated five years before that. >> jimmy: oh, wow. [ cheers and applause ] so you guys are probably really sick of each other's bodies, yes? [ laughter ] i'm going to ask you a question. don't answer it aloud. i want you to write the answer down. we're going goif you a paper. let's put new position sow can't see each other's answers. don't reveal your answer until i ask you to, okay? all right. the question is how many times per month on average do you have sex? all right? just go ahead and write it down. don't think about it too much. just -- okay. yeah. figure tout. so karen's writing -- looks like
rob, what are you up to? karen, are you drawing a diagram of how you do it? what's going on there? [ laughter ] all right. we're going to start with rob. rob, show us your number. rob says five. all right. and karen says -- 5-ish. [ applause ] all right. thank you. guys, cousin sal has a lovely gift for you. cousin sal, what do you have? >> yes. i have undies for two. so you can share them. >> jimmy: that's nice. home. nice to meet you guys. let's bring in one more couple and see what's goingon. now, this couple has not been listening in. they don't know. you guys didn't hear -- oh, you don't have headphones are. so you literally can't hear me okay. what's your name? >> theresa. >> jimmy: hi, theresa. >> fine, and you? >> jimmy: and is this your husband? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: david and theresa. now, did you guys intentionally wear the same shirt today or was that an accident? >> accident.
how about that? you wound up on tv. [ laughter ] how long have you been married? >> seven years. >> jimmy: seven years. and it's been good, i assume? you're still vacationing together. >> yes. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> cincinnati. >> jimmy: cincinnati, ohio. hence the red, i guess. okay. i'm going to ask you a question. we're going to put you in a position where you can't see each other's answers on either side of that wall. don't answer it aloud. i'd just like you to write the answer down. be honest. and the question is how many times per mon on average do you have sex? okay? [ laughter ] theresa is writing her number. david is writing his. all right. theresa's now changing her number. [ laughter ] theresa, i meant with david, okay? so -- [ laughter ] hi, guys.
with envy. all right. theresa, show us your number. your number is? five. what was the original thing? a drawing of the planet? [ laughter ] >> she had a zero originally. >> jimmy: oh, really? five. all right. and david, your number is? >> boy. >> jimmy: 12? [ laughter ] [ cheers and appppuse ] >> it's okay. >> jimmy: i have very bad news. david is cheating on you. [ laughter ] wait a mnute. one of you can't count is what's happening here. [ laughter ] that's quite a discrepancy. david, are you counting your alone time here or what? [ laughter ] >> could be. >> jimmy: it might be. all right. well, we do have a gift for you. >> condoms for you. here's a couple. >> jimmy: condoms, yes. and? >> here's a basket of stuff. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. there you go. thanks for playing. we're going toake a break.
somethingery special. our old pal jake byrd popped up at a donald trump rally in new hampshire last night. now, if europe not familiar with jake byrd, he is the guy you will see behind donald trump in this clip. >> by the way, can you see in the back in they have the best view. can you see it's really my hair? >> yeah! yeah! >> jimmy: all right. so w wn we comee back, jake byrd takes new hampshire by storm. so stick around. we'll be right back. there has to be a way. carry the centimeter, divide by 3.14 something something something... [ beeping, whirring ] great caesar salad! and now the name your price tool shows people policy options to help fit their budget. is that a true story? yeah! people really do save an average of over $500 when theheswitch. i mean about you inventing it i invented the story, and isn't that what really matters?
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bebeuse of the p pmary election.. they had a caucus in wa, a primary in new hampshire, and then they'll move on i guess to some of the states where people live next. it is a big deal for the candidates. even though the winner in new hampshire doesn't necessarily go on to win the nomination. you know who won the new hampshire primary last time around? what's his name? from -- mike "the situation" from "jersey shore." [ laughter ] but all the candidates are there. their boots are on the ground. and so is our pal jake byrd, who's a very passionate donald trump supporter. jake spreads trumpthusiasm everywhere he goes. maybe you recall seeing him back in september at the trump rally in dallas. >> trump! trump! trump! trump! >> don't forget. i love this these people back here. >> and we love you! we love you! we love you, donald j.! [ cheers and applause ] each other. it's a beautiful thing. yesterday jakak braved the elements to file t ts special
on the eve of the primaries in manchester, new hampshire. 3w4r >> i think trump is the person who will go to washington and actually get things done. he'll hire good people to be in good positions then hold them accountable for tse positions. >> he's going to get us jobs. he's going to get america wowoing again. i'm goingo get hireded back no matter how many timim i assault a customer. they have to. donald trump says i do. >> and my -- >> i love your old-fashioned root beer. [ laughter ] >> i don't sell root beer. but that's fine. >> a country without borders isn't really a country, is it? >> this guy told me a great joke. he said hey, bernie, it's new hampshire, not jew hampshire. [ laughter ] too much. too much. too much. >> it's like live free or die. it's live trump or die. >> we're so disorganized. we've done about 100 of these --
>> we know what we're doing. everybody needs to -- you volunteer. you work at the campaign? >> yeah. >> and it's so disorganized. >> it's a house of cards. i don't want to say that. >> no, that's fine. show. are you going to throw someone guy? >> this is the number one campaign in the country. we're t t [ bleep ] -- >> i just wanto tell you. if she has the baby tonight in new hampshire, that guarantees victory tomorrow. please, ivanka, have the baby tonight. >> have the baby! have the baby! >> we're going to bring education back locally. no more comomn core. > don't'tnow what that is. [ laughter ] >> we're not going to have people dying on the streets. we're going to get them into a hospital and take care of them -- >> and die there. [ laughter ] in a hospital.
>> and we're going to build ourselves so strong -- nobody. i'm telling you. nobody is going to play with us. we don't want to use it. >> nobody's going to play with us. [ laughter ] no play dates! no play dates! >> walls work. just ask israra. walls work.. i mean, serious walls. i mean trump walls. >> trump walls! the best walls! the best walls! dtf! donald trump forever! dtf! donald trump forever! dtf! donald trump forever! >> who's going to pay for the wall? >> mexico! [ laughter ] >> some people -- she justt said a terrible thing. you know what she said? shout it out because i don't want to -- >> [ bleep ]. >> she said he's a [ bleep ].
[ laughter ] language! saucy language! wow. wow! >> if you're going to get hurt and if you'ree going to driri like a maniac, d it tomorrow after you vote. and i promise i will come and visit you in the hospital. >> you promise? [ laughter ] you better! i'm going to wreck my car right now. [ laughter ] >> thank you very much, new hampshire. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> right now personanay for m m how i feel personally rightht now for me pepeonally, the biggest threat i'm facing is finding a bus back to the hospital in the snow. you know? >> well, it's one -- i mean, one of the --
come on, let's stump for trump! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: unfortunate ending. but thank you, jake byrd, everybody. >> i'm still freezing! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: i'm sorry. we have music tonight from nothing but thieves. alicia vikander is here. we'll be right back with bill maher. [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by mountain dew kickstart. three awesome things combined. dew, juice, caffeine.y. to prove it, i switched from an expensive contract plan by popping a sim card into my phone. now it's a straight talk phone. and i get to keep my same number and network for half the cost. that's money we can put toward your college fund. oh, i'm not going to college. i want to be...a magician. invisibility, w! i can still see you...
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dad: spots. culligan man: the problem is your water! anncr: a culligan whole-house water conditioning system gets rid of sediment or impurities. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. tonight, she is an oscar nominee for her role in the movie "the danish girl." she is nominated for best supporting actress, alicia vikander is here. [ cheers and applause ] then, all the way from essex, which is all the way in england, this is their se-titled album. it's called "nothing but thieves," from the samsung stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night we'll have a good show. sacha baron cohen will be here. zendaya will join us. and we'll have music from mana. join us then. it doesn't matter if you're republican or democrat, president or pope, if our first guest doesn't like what you're up to, he will make sure you know it.
bill maher," which you can watch fridayayights on hbo a a you can see him l le at the mirage in las vegas march 12th and 13th. please welcome bill maher. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for being here.. i know ts is an n portant ght for you. >> is an important nigor you. >> jimmy: why? >> bause you're on and i'm not. i'm not working tonight. i'm here. because you are my favorite talk show on the west coast. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. you're the only talk show on the the. >> you're the only tack show on the west coast. >> jimmy: a a you all right? >> why, w what d d you hear? >> jimmy: you got surfing or something. right?
one of your show business cronies. >> jimmy: your publicist told us. bill can't come. he got hit in the face way surfboard. [ laughter ] is that not true? >> that's not true. i went to hawaii. this year i brought david spade and jeff ross. we had a fabulous time. eddie vedder performed with us. it was really fun. >> jimmy: nice. >> thanks. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't address him. >> i'm from new jersey. i body surf. [ applause chris christie fans? [ laughter ] and you know, sometimes the wave face planted me. and yes, my face was too [ bleep ] to appear. [ laughter ] happy you got that out of me? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i love we can say that now. remember when we started in show business you couldn't swear. nowwhey just bleep it out. no one gives a [ bleep ]. >> jimmy::yeah. i mean, i don't know w wt people were so h hg up about. i think because now everybody's rsing on every other channel. >> trump. >> jimmy: you think it was trump? >> no, i -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh.
president and he says [ bleep ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's crazy. >> it is crazy. >> jimmy: do you like that or do you dislike it? >> i like that -- i mean, i always say donald trump and i are a little -- a little like the detective and the serial killer. you know. we're not so different, you a a i. [ laughter ] i certainly don't agree with hardly anything he says politically, but i love the fact that he's politically incorrect. i used to have a show called "politically incorrect." [ applause ] >> jimmy: what happened to that show? >> well, i got thrown off the air for being too politically incorrect. >> jimmy: my god. >> and then they got this other guy. >> jimmy: fat guy, right? >> no, not a fat guy. just a guy who wouldn't piss people off. and yeah. but yeah, that's donald trump.
i have yet to find something this man can say that will turn his fans off.f. i mean, we all thought it was over when he said john mccain not a war hero. we thought, oh, well, that's -- come on. no. but great, whatever. and then he went to megyn kelly, you're on your period. carly fiorina, you're an older woman, too ugly to run for president. hey, who wants to see my impression of a cerebral palsy guy? [ laughter ] ] like what does this mean have to do? fart in jesus's face? [ laughter ] [ chrs and applause ] >> jimmy: that would be something. >> he's like a movie monster. whatever they think is going to destroy him just makes him stronger. you know? >> jimmy: you endorsed bernie sanders for president. and you feel good about that now? >> look, i like hillary a lot.
we've never had a leftist in my lifetime. true leftist. he's puttinghings on the table no one ever put on the table before. that's why we don't know. now, is he probably going to win in the south? probably not. he's a socialist jew who's 100. [ laughter ] but you know what? people have never seen this product before. people didn't know they wanted an iphone until they put it in the window and everybody bought it. we've never had - -i call it the new deal. like fdr's new deal. he is sayinin we coulde m me like a western european democracy where you pay a little more taxes but look what you get. free college, free health care. go after the banks. this stuff has never been on the table. we'll see what happens. i think he deserves for what he's done so far to at least get the benefit of the doubt. [ cheers and applause ] and then, you know, and then if we go back to the old rules, fine.
i said look, i'm for bernie and a lot of you are too. but hillary is still good. it's like when you're on a plane if you don't get your first choice eat the chicken. [ laughter ] because if you don't get the democrat, then the nearest abortion clinic will be in london. >> jimmy: do you like any of the republican candidates? if you were forced to vote for one of them -- >> i'd kill myself. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but if you had to vote for one of them, is there anyone in your mind -- who do you think is the worst among them? >> ted cruz is always the worst. >> jimmy: why do you say that? >> because they laughed. that why. [ laughter ] i said it because he is. because he's smart and evil. the other ones are true dummies. like rubio. you know, he doesn't know what he's talking about. he just sayay the words. but teded cruz is diabolical. he's smart. what i really hate about him.
he's smart but he knows what to say to his dummy base that they will believe. so he always says things like -- here's my favorite. he said, you know, before 9/11 i was a fan of classic rock. after 9/11 i found myself switching to country music. [ laughter ] because as we all know theorld trade center was attacked by three dog night. [ laughter ] what the hell does that mean? or the thing about new york values. remember that a couple of weeks ago? like he doesn't have new york values. he clerked for the supreme court. he went to princeton and yale. and he's like, do i even own shoes? i love when he plays the [ bleep ] kicker chord like -- oh, i did it again. >> jimmy: bill maher is here. his show is "real time." he's in vegas march@ 12th and
[ cheers and applause ] sweetheart, don't look at me like that, it's gonna be amazing. this is a disaster! who's the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate? miss monroe, eat a snickers. why? you get a little cranky when y y're hungry. better? much better. this scene will never make the cut, morons. oh hello, deadpool here. (swish) i always wanted to be a professional athlete. (music) (crunch) cause i wanted to have children in cities all over the world. (music) (explosion) (music) adpool: incoming! (motor revving) (music) (crunch) (explosion) (crunch) see you this friday, america. you get a cold. you can't breathe through your nose.
it's going to make me sound old, but [ bleep ], i am. [ laughter ] in 1982. >> jimmy: wow. >> i was 26, and i opened for diana ross. and that was -- yeah. >> jimmy: was that at caesars palace? >> caesars palace. what i called the dead ball era in vegas. it's like after the rat pack but before it got reinvented as something hip and cool. sot was tough. you knkn, and i was a young comedian. no one you k kw who i w or want to see me. they wanted to see diana ross. now it's great. it's hip. hip people come out and see it. it's the only place in the world i can play on christmas week. everywhere else you don't play christmas if you're a personal appearance act. people are spending their money on christmas. vegas could give a [ bleep ] about christmas. they don't want to know christmas exists because then people will feel guilty about losing the houou monene >> jimim: hh, by the way,y, happypy birthday.
i know you had a big birthday party. do you say how old or do you keep it quiet? >> yes, i say how old. i shout td out. 60. [ applse ] >> jimmy: i like to have a party when you don't worry about it. some people get bummed out by this stuff. >> first of all, you can't hide anymore. what aim going to say? i'm 48. [ laughter ] so i made it into an event on my show and i used it as a reason to get obama to appear on my show, because it's been a sore point. i mean, apparently our invitation to him h been lost in the mail for seven years. he's done every show. he's done your show, right? >> jimmy: it's crazy. >> see what i mean? every show. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: first of all, how dare you? and secondly, you gave his super pac a million dodoars. yes. and he treats me like i owe him money. [ laughter ] i didn't even mention that because that shouldn't be the reason why. >> jimmy: you'd think he'd know that already, though. >> they have a thing at the white house that if you get a petition that is signed by 100,000 people they have to
so we had a petition out there. our beautiful fans within 38 hours, we had the 100,000 signatures. and it j jt says do our showw or tell me why. just tell me why. and i'm sure that there are people in the white house who say never do that show. bill maher, he's a comedian, atheist, pot smoker who never got married. [ laughter ] by the way, all decisions i'm really good with. [ applause ] >> jimmy: have you considered -- i know he's coming out here next week for fund-raisers. tell him you're having a fund-raiser at the address whehe youhoot the show and maybe he'll show up. [ cheers and applause ] does, jimmy. [ laughter ] here. he just appeared like santa claus. >> yeah. well, we'll see. we'll see what they say. >> jimmy: well, it's very good to see you. [ applause ] you know what? i told you this a million times, but when i was in college i saw
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we're back. still to come, music from "nothing but thieves." our next guest has had a productive week. she won the critic's choice award, the s.a.g. award. on sunday she was named mvp of the super bowl. nominated for best supporting actres for her role in "the danish girl." please say hello to alicia vikander. [ cheers and applause ] i know i screwed up your name. i said it a million times to myself before. alicia vikander, right? >> yeah, that was right. >> jimmy: yeah, except i didn't say it like that before. at the oscars like if john travolta has to introduce your category, god help him. it's going to be a disaster. [ laughter ]
things about being nominated for -- one of the many good things is people hear your name over and over again and you have maybe a little less of that. >> yeah. and then i'm going to give him the swedish version and then -- >> jimmy: what is the swedish version of your name? >> alicia vikander. >> jimmy: yeah, forget that. [ laughter ] is the oscars a big thing in sweden? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it is? >> it is. i remember when my mom -- i came finally to the age when she would allow me to kind of set the alarm clock and go up at 2:00 a.m. and sit by the tv and then later on i even had like sleepovers with my friends and we kind of stayed up and were wearing pajamas and ate popcorn and watched the oscars and talked about all the dresses. >> jimmy: so your family must have been very, very excited when you got nominated. >> and the thing was they were actually out here for the golden globes. for the first time in l.a. and visiting me. and they came with me to set.
so we got the news when i was there. >> jimmy: wow. >> and it was great because it was like -- we were all in track suits, and it was 9:00 a.m. in the morning and we could just pop the champagne and that was totally normal. >> jimmy: that's right. it's las vegas. you can do that anytime. but why were you all wearing track suits? [ laughter ] >> i'd just woken up. and it's also on film shoots. i'm actually just wearing the same thing every day. i do have several options. so it's not like i don't wash them. but you go to work, you just change. so i even remember on some shoots you've been together with your colleagues for like tee months and then you end up having like a night when at the wrap party it's the first time you actually -- look at yo jeans and a t-shirt. you look so well. >> jimmy: yeah, that is a funny thing because when people come here on our show from "game of thrones" or "downton abbey" or something i'm always shocked to see them in normal human being
>> jimmy: and with you it's kind of the opposite. >> yeah. >> jimmy: will you bring your family to the oscars with you? >> i am. >> jimmy: you are. oh. you have to get them tickets or how does that work? >> yeah. i just -- i got them tickets the other -- >> jimmy: will they embarrass you by talking to famous people? >> i hope so. >> jimmy: you hope so. you're okay with that? >> yeah. my dad has a bit of a crush on kate winslet. so i kind of prepped her. my dad's coming. please be kind. and she was. she was like oh, my god, that's cute. >> jimmy: wow. that's funny. but i guess your dad, your dad's probably my age now that i think about it. that's a little bit weird. your dad -- but yeah, your dad, it probably makes perfect sense that he would have a crush on -- >> i do have a crush on kate winslet. >> jimmy: do you know all the women who are nominated with you in your category? >> when i actually finally got to meet rooney mara, because we've been sitting at many of these events, and i mean, i've looked up to her and admired her
we've been waving across the room. and finally when we did this we had the oscar luncheon. we were put next to each other for the class. >> jimmy: does anyone eat lunch at the luncheon? it seems like nobody's eating. >> it's the first proper event where they actually eat. normally at the golden globes i was sitting there with a plate in front of me and everyone else but the food never came. isn't that weird? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's called the hollywood diet. >> yeah. i was like is this e&ery year? this is not a miss, this is actually -- >> jimmy: yeah, it's a very traditional l.a. thing. you just eat the air. [ laughter ] >> yeah. and then you drink. and then it all goes -- >> jimmy: in sweden does everybody speak english? >> yeah everyone speaks very good english in sweden. we learn it in school from about 9, 10. but it was not until i got here when you actually start to speak it, you know. >> jimmy: and you realize that there are different ways people all over the country speak.
>> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> yeah, we do have them -- we have them in sweden too. >> jimmy: you have them in sweden? >> yeah. >> jimmy: isn't that funny? because really our knowledge of sweden and swedish accents comes from a muppet who cooks. [ laughter ] >> yode, yode, yode. >> jimmy: so you know him. >> but to me he sounds more norwegian. >> jimmy: oh, he does [ laughter ] wow, more morenorwegian. that's a scandal to hit sesame street. [ laughter ] so are you excited about the oscars? if should be a fun night. i think you have a good chance of winning. do you gamble on yourself? you know you can. you're working in las vegas. >> i did go and -- i learned how to play the craps. >> jimmy: yeah. the craps? [ laughter ] how did you do? you were making that movie with that stupid matt damon, weren't you, in las vegas?
i'm so happy that you actually see him -- you're telling his true colors. i know everyone tells everyone that he's the sweetest dude. >> jimmy: but he's not. he's a nightmare. >> yeah. >> jimmy: thanks. finally someone confirms this for me. [ applause ] >> we still have one week to go. >> jimmy: number one, we learned that the swedish chef is a fraud. and number two, we learned -- well, something i knew for a long time. matt damon is evil incarnate. [ laughter ] congratulations. we'll see you at the academy awards, the oscars, which are on sunday february 28th, 7:00 eastern, 4:00 pacific. and of course your movie, which was great. "the danish girl" comes out on dvd and blu-ray march 1st. we'll be right back with nothing but thieves. [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: the "jimmy kimmel
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