tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 7, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MDT
>> on the plains you're treated to some interesting skies. >> this is a cool picture. a severe thunderstorm on the kansas border. and you can see it lighting up the clouds at night. great shot. >> lookse very cool. >> thanks so much for watching. >> stephen: we believe the iphone 7 is the most exciting iphone yet. you've heard the rumors and, yes, they are true. we have removed the headphone jack. ( applause ) thank you.
button. ( applause ) now, some companies might stop there. but we thought if less is more, how much more could we less? we think you'll be very excited about all the things we didn't include. for instance, that fragile glass front? gone. ( applause ) and with no front, do you really need a back? also, the iphone 7 never needs to be charged because there is no battery. introducing the iphone 7. quite simply, a solid chunk of metal. ( applause ) so how do you get all the great iphone features you've come to rely on? tonight, we're proud to introduce ifriend upon hello, gabe. >> hello. >> stephen: instant verbal response.
( applause ) >> stephen: gabe, i might go for a walk later. how's the weather? >> it's pretty nice out. ( applause ) >> stephen: i know what you're asking-- how will i play my music? well, it's this simple. i still have my old headphones right here. gabe, i can borrow your iphone 6? ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( yelling ) the iphone 7, the next thing we're asking you to buy. >> it's "the late show"" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes whoopi goldberg. regina hal. and captain "sully" sullenberger. featuring jon batiste and stay
stephen colbert. today, of course, is a national holiday because apple has announced a new iphone, the iphone 7. iphones are now tied with "the fast and the furious" franchise ball's in your court, vin diesel. let's see what's new. what's new with the phone? it's water resistant, which means that when you drop it in a toilet, you can just pick it up no rb. but apple made one big change that i don't think the world's ready for. they got rid of the headphone jack, and they did it for a very good reason. >> now, some people have asked why we would remove the analog headphone jack. the reason, to move on, there are three of them, but it really
>> stephen: is it (bleep) you? i'm sorry. no, that's two words. i'm sorry. please, go on. >> but it really comes down to one word: courage. >> stephen: yes, where do they find the courage to charge people $160 for new headphones? ( laughter ) without the headphone jack, what am i supposed to use now, bluetooth? bluetooth is for car stereos and people who talk loudly in public about their boat. i'll tell you going to hammer my old headphone plug into the lightning port and hope for the best-- same way i got my dvd player to accept my vhs tapes. we are watching "the lion king"! now, apple says you can still hold and still use your old headphones. you'll just need an adapter. this just in: you've already lost the adapter. speaking of things that are confusing and upsetting, the presidential election is just 60
over the summer, donald trump was way behind, but a new cnn poll has him up by two points nationally. now, i'm not sure how that happened. i'm going to say angry white men have started to reproduce asexually. and last week, trump may have november because trump's attorney, michael cohen, tweeted out this picture of a cloud that kind of looks like donald trump, along with the caption "in case anyone is unsure as to who will be our next #potus, the lord has chosen the people's messenger." yes, god made a trump-shaped cloud, though the cloud actually holds a position longer than the real donald trump.
that day he also endorsed a seahorse, a duckie, and your mother making love to the mailman. i think? no one else sees that? no one else? no one else sees that? okay. ( laughter ) and god's not the only one saying donald trump should be president. so is donald trump. courage. he has a new way of questioning hillary clinton's fitness for office. >> you've often talked aboutll >> right. >> you've even said that she didn't look presidential. >> i really do believe that if- >> what do you mean by that? >> well, i just don't think she has a presidential look, and you need a presidential look. >> stephen: hmmm, what does trump mean by "presidential look"? i mean, is it something, you
i'm uncomfortable doing this. i can't imagine how uncomfortable it is for you to watch me do this. how can i put this? i think trump is pointing out that you can't spell "presidential" without "penis." or if you want to use all the letters "idle rat penis," which might be another sign. ( applause ) it might be another sign from god that he thinks trump is but trump's remarks got me thinking. maybe hillary would seem more presidential if she just borroowed her look from some of our past presidents. what if she had george washington's hair? abe lincoln's beard. f.d.r.'s glasses and cigarette holder. and william howard taft's morbid obesity. worth a shot.
s been avoiding talking about-- and i'm sorry to say this in case don't know-- taylor swift and tom hiddleston have broken up. that's right, hiddleswift called it hiddle-splits. and taylor has sent hiddleston packing back to asgard or hogwarts or wherever he's from. and i'm especially sad about this news because their love was in the press so much, i thought i was a part of it, too. in a way, it feels like they broke up with me. in fact, i'm so upset, that i goes through a breakup: i wrote a song about it. could i have-- could i have my stringless guitar, please? thanks so much.
( laughter ) ? taylor, tom, and me we were a happy couple of three ? but now they said goodbye and i just want to cry ? how could you do this to me? ? like kissing on that rock or climbing on that rock ? or walking on that rock man, we spent a lot of time on rocks ? and sure i wasn't there but photoshop don't care ? and with a little cut and paste ? the three of us were quite a pair
where did col-biddle-swift go wrong? ? my heart is on the floor i've got bad blood with amour ? so goodbye tom and goodbye tay-tay ? don't worry about me i'll be okay-kay ? because i've found a brand new love ? that will never go kaboom. ? good bye col-biddle-swift hello, colb-kat-lando ploom!!! ? ( cheers and applause ) thank you. now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ? ? ? ( applause )
>> stephen: thanks, everybody. hey, there's big news in france. a court on the island of corisca when france controls-- just upheld a local ban on burkinis, which combine a burka with a bikini, though i gotta say, i don't see much kini. it's mostly burk. but then again, well, look at those ankles. hello! those can't be natural. wow. i'm implying she has ankle implants. over this summer, multiple french towns have banned the garment, and police have even forced women to disrobe in public. it turns out, france has actual federal bikini inspectors. ( laughter ) now, defenders of the ban say burkinis promote the subjugation of women. so basically, here's their logic: "excuse me, ma'am? your garment is part of a
now, personally, i support burkinis at the beach, as someone who believes in freedom of religion and who may or may not enjoy the security of a big droopy t-shirt while swimming. thank you for being here, fall. i've got to say, france has not handled this situation well. in a recent statement, france's prime minister and guy who doesn't care you have a boyfriend, manuel valls, invoked marianne, the symbol of the french republic, saying, then he said "haw haw haw!" and had a three-way with a mime and wheel of cheese. ( laughter ) france, i've got to call bull-crepe on this because bare breasts aren't a symbol of your republic. they are a symbol of our
we have hooters, tilted kilt, twin peaks, applebee's. ( laughter ) oh, yeah. besides, the song goes "there's a place in france where the ladies wear no pants." it doesn't say anything about what's happening up top. in america, we love breasts so much, we use them to feed our babies, unlike you guys, who i'm pretty sure slap a nipple on a bottle of burgundy. and if you're so into breasts, france, how come the stau gave us is such a prude? she's not even showing her ankles. we'll be right back with whoopie goldberg. ? ? ? ( applause ) alright, how's this for a tv show. sous chef. lawyer by day, prep-cook by night. also, his name is sous.
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? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: now, then, young lady, thank you for being back here. >> i love coming here. >> stephen: i love having you here. you see-- now, diget that right? do you have your own line of premium-- >> no, i do not. >> stephen: what is-- hol let me get this right. whoopi and mia medical cannabis. >> it's all about the menstrual cycle. you can't smoke it. it's not smokeable. you rub it. it's for people -- >> you rub it? >> you rub it. so somebody said to me -- >> what if you're somebody like me who does not have a menstrual cycle-- ( knocks on desk ) been a while, it's been a while. can i rub it on me?
>> your muscles will probably feel better. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> we're not here to get you-- we don't want to get you high. all you need is a weed map for that. what we're trying to do is get you doing something that is better for you than taking maybe some of the pills that are around for women who have strong menstrual cycles. and because people think menstrual pain is fake, there was kind of-- yeah. >> stephen: i don't think it's fake. >> many people do. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: who? >> a lot of women who have never >> men who don't have it. this is how i got into it. a friend of mine said to me, "snoop dogg is doing this, willy is doing this. and i said, "is anybody doing anything for men sphral cramps? and he started lawchg. he said, "no, no, it's a niche market." i said, "that's a niche market that that's half the population on earth." >> stephen: it's a big niche. >> it's a big niche. >> stephen: wait a second, let me ask you something here. while it's not meant to get you
>> no matter where you rub it. >> no matter where you rub it. and we did that because we wanted to make sure that women's productivity, which goes down two, three days a month when women get these bad cramped-- we wanted to make sure we could say to young women who are experiencing these cramps the first time, there is an alternative that you may be able it to use that helps. so we didn't want it to get you high. we just wanted it to make you feel better in terms of the cramps, and it does. >> stephen: wow, okay. >> so i'm very happy about unfortunately, you know, again when you have folks who are prescribing for medicinal marijuana, cramps are not something that people ever think of. so it's never something that people prescribe for. so it's only available in california. >> stephen: you can say anything at this point to get a prescription, right? >> no, not here. >> stephen: i have anxiety. >> not in new york, not in new jersey, not in most place s. >> stephen: i have frail cuteicles. i can get some pot. >> not here. >> stephen: do you have a
yes. >> stephen: did you bring enough for everyone? >> i can't smoke. >> stephen: oh, really? >> yes, i can only vape. >> stephen: so you're smoking dope in the future. it always looks like you're from the future when you have a vape pen? >> no one has ever seen me with one but i have one. >> stephen: it's like the loch ness monster, no one's ever-- >> yes, it is. no one ever's ever seen it, but you know it's there. >> stephen: the last time you were here you had an has cupid struck? >> i'm mott fighting love. i just know better. >> stephen: what! >> listen, you are happily marry gld absolutely. >> lots of people here are happily married. god bless you all. >> stephen: you have to find someone to help you rub the cannabis lotion on you. you're rubbing it on the wrong spot. >> see these hands? these hands know where everything is. >> stephen: oh, okay. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: see these hands? same deal.
need something. but i-- you know, i just-- you have to work hard with a relationship. >> stephen: you do, yeah. >> you have to be willing to do it, and i'm not. ( laughter ) i'm not. i don't want to. i don't want to. i like-- you know, there's nothing wrong with a hit and run every now and then with a good friend. >> stephen: really? >> oh, yeah! >> stephen: at least get a license plate. get a license plate or something. >> sometimes you don't need a license plate. if they hit in the right spot! you know. ( laughter write it down! ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: we're going to take a little break here in just a second and i don't want you to go away. i to ask you a question. you're a new yorker. you know a lot of people. you've been around for a while. you're famous. you have to know both trump and hillary clinton. you have to have met both these people. >> yeah. >> stephen: can you tell us anything behind the scenes? say something nice about donald
he has-- he has a great daughter. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: and hillary clinton? >> hillary also has a great daughter. >> stephen: wow. maybe the daughters should be running. >> well, i think so. i would much-- listen, you know, this is-- this is the-- the glory and the horror of our politics. anybody can run, and anybody can become president. have to be really freaking careful about who we put in there. because this is not-- this is not a show. this is our politics. this is our lives. this is not-- you can't fire this guy. if you put him in, you cannot fire him. so just be mindful. whatever your decision is. you have to live with it. just sayin'. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right. stick around.
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( applause ). >> stephen: hey, everybody. we're back. we're back with whoopie goldberg. always nice to talk to you? >> yes. can i just do something? you all are kicking butt over there. can i just say it? you all just kick butt. i love you >> the house was rockin', people were movin'. white people were just like yaa! it was amazing. >> stephen: you've got a new show on oxygen called "strut." tell us what "strut" is. >> well, "strut" is about the first transgender modeling agency. you know, it's an amazing thing. people sort of feel transgender, folks have just got here, that this is very new.
years. and one of the reasons you don't know that is because folks don't talk about it. and, you know, you see caitlin jenner or you see laverne cox, and you think, okay, that's what it is. but the folks that we're talking to and bringing to the show are regular people who are trying to just have their lives. it's kind of extraordinary. >> stephen: regular people who are, also, like model glamorous, though. >> yeah, yeah. but, you know-- >> stephen: you know, models are not regular >> stephen: really? >> these folks are. yeah. because they-- you know, these are folks who know who they are inside, but if they came to work, you know, here or, you know, h.r. would say to them, "hey, listen, you can't be dressed like that. you can't be this person." and they would say, "listen, this is who i am." >> stephen: because they look too good?
to make people uncomfortable for some reason. and i find-- and talking to a lot of the folks that we are working with-- you know, they say, listen, we've had to do other kinds of work because people won't hire us because they're nervous or uncomfortable. and so this idea of becoming a model or being models as we've seen over the years, it's starting to be something we're seeing a lot of, i think it is-- is an amazing dream for folks and a good way not to in another direction because you're a transgender person. you know, it's-- their bravery, to stand up and say, "this is who i am," in a world full of people who think it's funny or think it's silly or don't understand or who get very, very, you know, religious about it, it's like, listen, somebody said, "well, god doesn't make mistakes." it's like, "no, god doesn't make mistakes, but mother nature will mess with you until the cows
because you-- you know who you are. i know who i am. but sometimes people arrive and it's-- you know, there's a little mix-up. they're not in the right place. so to be able it to say it out loud and know what you're going to get from people, i just-- i have to tip my hat to these folks because they're extraordinary. >> stephen: this agency only handles transgendered models. >> yeah. >> stephen: is there a lot of call for that? >> yeah, actually, there are. and when you see our models, >> stephen: now, there are a lot of other-- there's a process of education to what is sort of acceptable to ask someone in the the trans community. >> right. >> stephen: and there's a clip right here showing it's a-- it's a transgendered man who has gone out on a date and he gets one of those questions that he was not looking forward to. >> i can ask you a personal question? >> you can ask me anything.
>> that's one thing you don't ask. >> is that offensive? i'm sorry. i am so sorry. i didn't-- i don't know. i said it was personal. i'm sorry. >> no, it's good. i mean, it lets me know that you want to know, so that means something. >> stephen: it's true. you don't ask that question unless later you might be interested in finding out about that. >> well, you don't ask that to anybody. >> stephen: ( bleep ). don't ever say there question i won't ask. >> but you know what? it would be like you meeting some-- not you, because you're married. but you meeting someone and saying, "hey, you know, i want to ask you something. how tight is your vagina?" it's not a-- it's not a-- ( laughter ) yup. don't ask that question. ( applause ) you know? these are questions you wouldn't ask other people. you just wouldn't ask somebody that. but, you know, because it's so
know,"i'm sorry, but i didn't know what else to say." >> stephen: he did say he could ask anything. >> yes, he did. and i did say to him, "i don't know if you wanted to say that. i don't know if you wanted to say 'you can ask me anything' and they say 'this is what i want to know'." he's extraordinary because you look at him and think about all these state with these bathroom laws. now, do you want him walking into a woman's bathroom? i don't think so.no any of this stuff in north carolina? >> not yet. ( laughter ). >> stephen: season two? >> well, you know, could be. but we wanted to do this to make sure that people understood that these folks require as much respect as anybody else you meet on the street. so that's why we wanted to do it. ( applause ) ( cheers ). >> stephen: thanks for being here. nice to see you. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: good luck with the
>> stephen: "strut" premieres september 20 on oxygen, you can always catch her on "the view." whoopi goldberg, everybody. we'll be right back with regina whoopi goldberg, everybody. we'll be right back with regina hall. ? ? ? ( applause ) your body temperature to help keep you cool. let's put it to the test. you're up. ew. i'm gonna play it. wedge? yup! anncr: it speeds evaporation to help keep you cool and dry. hanes x-temp technology. because when you're cool, you're comfortable.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody. welcome back to the show. my next guest is a comic actress who's gone toe to toe with kevin hart, chris rock and ice cube. her new movie is "when the bough breaks." >> we'd like you to stay here with us in our guesthouse. we'd like to you take some time off of work. we'll pay you whatever you were making. >> you won't feel trapped. you can come and go as you please. >> are you serious? >> yeah, we talk about it and we just feel more comfortable knowing that you're here, at
now, you are doing this incredible thing for us. it's the least we can do. let us do something nice for you. okay? >> okay. >> okay. >> stephen: someone's going to get murdered! please welcome regina hall! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: all right, before we get into the movie here, i got a more important question, okay. and that is i like to celebrate when one of my guests makes the cover of, like, a big magazine. this wasn't from this year, but this is-- this is a new one for me. i've never seen this one perfect. you made the cover of something
( applause ) >> stephen: first of all. congratulations, obviously. >> thank you. >> stephen: what makes a modern dog? does it, like, have wifi? is this your dog? >> that is my dog. he's more of a metrosexual bulldog. >> stephen: a metrosexual bulldog? >> see how groomed he is. look at that, he's quaffed. and he has the second cover "healthy pet" coming s and their owners begin to look alike. >> i do! >> stephen: you do not look like that dog. are you a beautiful woman. >> we have the same eyes and our futures are placed-- look at the eyes-- ( laughter ) if you look at the eyes and the nose, it's all there together. it's true. >> stephen: uh-huh, yup, uh-huh. ( laughter ) i'll take your word for it. >> he is striking. >> stephen: well, now you are
actress. >> yes. >> stephen: to most people. this is a drama, something of a thriller. >> and you gave away the end. >> stephen: really? >> no, no. stephen: i was just making ( bleep ) up. i didn't know. no, nobody gets murdered right? ( laughter ) well, they tonight know who! they don't know who! >> right, right. >> stephen: exactly, you have to go and see the movie now and find out. >> exactly. >> stephen: so you've done comedy. now you're doing which one do you like more? >> i like them both. >> stephen: you have to choose. >> oh, my god. >> stephen: imagine you have to choose. >> and you could only do one -- >> you could only do one for the rest of your life. >> well, i love to laugh. >> stephen: you could go see somebody else's work. you know, you know? >> but i want to laugh at work. >> stephen: you want to laugh at work, okay. you don't laugh during a movie like this? >> i do, but it's a lot of emotional work for a drama-- for
woman's guts, and she's crazy and i'm -- >> so surrogate mother, the story is a surrogate mother, and that young lady is a surrogate mother. >> you know, once she is a surrogate she has all the power. >> stephen: and she ends up being cuckoo. a little crazy. >> she has hormones in there. >> stephen: just morhones or anything other than that? do you rub any of cream? >> if i had someone, that probably would have changed everything. >> stephen: i've done comedy and drawm. >> -- >> i thought you were going to say you'd done drugs. >> stephen: this is cbs. legally, you can't say that. i think comedy is better because you know when it's working. >> that is true. >> stephen: the audience gives you this little signal. they laugh. >> and you know what, i do say, everyone is like, "when you do dramas, is it harder?" but i will say this, comedy is
prepared. people think-- meaning i have to be in character and in the moment, even if i'm improving. >> stephen: i understand that you studied journalism. >> yeah, i have my master's in journalism. >> stephen: you have a master's in journalism, and you ended up being an actress. >> ( applause ). >> stephen: that's a the lot of work to put into sort of go one professional path. >> yeah. >> stephen: what kind of journalism did you want to do? >> you know what, at the time-- i was at n.y.u.-- i was interested in broadcast journalism. but i like-- i love news shows, so i wanted more than being an on-air anchor. i wanted to produce for, like-- i mean, "60 minutes "was my goal because that's the best of the best. >> stephen: we're at cbs, do you want me to talk to some people? >> i came to the right place. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. "when the bough breaks" opens september 16. regina hall, everybody! we'll be right back with captain
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>> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. my next guest became an american hero when he landed a plane on the hudson river. now he is being played by tom hanks on the big screen. >> the best chance those passengers had, i bet my life on it. in fact, i did. and i would do it again. >> aviation engineers are theorizing you had enough energy to make it pack to the runway. >> well, engineers are not pilots. they're wrong. and they weren't there. >> you stated that it was a dual engine failure due to multiple bird >> well, everything is unprecedented until it happens for the first time. >> stephen: please welcome, captain "sully" sullenberger! ? ? ?
>> stephen: now-- >> what a welcome, wow. >> stephen: isn't that a nice welcome. we did not force them to do that. they jumped to their feet of their own accord. do you get tired of that? >> it's the story. it's the power of this story that still touches people. >> stephen: well, for the people who may not remember, it was in wow 9. >> yes. >> stephen: flying out of gu happened. >> we were headed for charlotte, and it was the day like 10,000 other days until it wasn't, 100 seconds after takeoff, we encountered a flock of geese that disabled both engines. and from that point until when we landed my first officer jeff sciels and i did something we had never done before and got it right the first time fortunately. our flight attendants evacuated the airplane.
everyone survived. ( cheers and applause ) but, but -- >> go ahead. >> but the movie is about much more than that. it lasts more than the flight did. >> stephen: it's not a 208-second movie. >> no. >> stephen: well, everybody was moved by the story. when it actually happened, how did you make that decision? because it's not the sort of thing that you can train for. they don't get you to tt, because if destroys the plane when you do it. how did you learn how to land on water? >> you know, in our flight simulators it was not possible for us to practice water landings because they aren't prospected for it. the only training we had ever gotten was theoretical classroom discussion. >> stephen: so chalkboard. >> yes. so we had to dig deep, take what we did know, adapt it and apply it in a new way to solve a problem we'd never seen before.
would be doing a water landing? >> no, or being on this show, or having -- >> one thing at a time. tom hanks. >> or having tom hanks or clint eastwood involved in telling the story. >> stephen: somebody in the plane who hears the safety instructions over and over, they say, "in case of a water landing," i always think, "yeah, right. you know these things are metal, right?" >> every year in recurrent training, pilots and flight attendant goes through that, for years i think a lot of people and geez, if it would happen, i'm not sure how well it work at least in situation like this-- part of our job is to be able to handle whatever happens no matter how unexpected or how unanticipated it is. >> stephen: let's going get back to the things you could not have anticipated which is tom hanks playing you and clint eastwood directing tom haichgs. what was your meeting like with them? you're not a hollywood guy.
and clint eastwood was there. >> stephen: did you know he was coming? because that would frighten me if the door opened and he was just there. >> yeah he's not that frightening a guy. >> stephen: he's not. >> he's a nice guy. he's not "dirty harry" in reality. so i got the heads up. i got about 10 days' notice. we had lunch. we talked about three hours about making movies. and i think he was just trying to get the measure of us, laurie and me, in our home, in made any casting decisions. but i think, from what i gather, tom was at the top of almost everyone's list. >> stephen: most lists. most lists. what's it like to see tom hanks portray you on screen? do you recognize yourself up there? >> my wife does. ( laughter ) i mean, it's hard for each of us to see ourselves that way. what do i look like in the back. >> stephen: it's hard to recognize you because you don't have the mustache.
of lobbying and begging and pleading my wife finally convinced me it was time for a clean look, time for a change. and you know what? she was right. >> stephen: are there any-- you've been honored in so many different ways. here you are with there's the president. >> yes. >> stephen: right there and the first lady. that was stilt highlights of our daughters. >> stephen: throwing out the first pitch there. >> yeah. >> stephen: here you are taking up more beyonce, which is not easy to do. >> wow, wow, i didn't know about that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: anything else you particularly enjoyed? >> oh, gosh, being the grand marshal of the tournament of roses. >> stephen: oh, that's nice. >> in the 2009, january 1, 2010, was just incredible. we got to share it with friends and family. an amazing experience. >> stephen: just a couple of
and steve carell, honored you by doing a song about you at the autism benefit and i just upon to give you a little taste of our salute to sully. jim. >> ladies and gentlemen, the pilot has turned on the get down sign. ? buckle up tight because it's a real short flight ? if your mustache across from the left to the right ? a gaggle of geese just surrendered their souls ? rub your mustache twice and ? brace for impact, make sure your mustache is not too waxy ? you're walking on water and you brought it on home ? you threw a salute and your mustache is combed ? >> stephen: you're welcome. you're welcome. before you go, just so people will recognize you at home, would you-- would you-- we've provided you with awe little something right here. >> on one condition that we both do the same thing. ready, one, two, three.
now stick around for james corden and his guests, susan sarandon and adam brody. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? ? ? ? are you ready y'all to have some fun. ? and feel the love tonight. ? it's going to be all right. ? it's the "late, late show." ?. >> ladies and gentlemen, all the