tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC December 25, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PST
"jimmy kimmel live"! >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, queen latifah. from "the mindy project", adam pally. and music from cage the elephant. with cleto and the cletones. and now, just arriving, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ jimmy kimmel live [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> thank you. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for watching. are you cold? it's a lot colder in a lot of
places. in delaware, they got more than a foot of snow. 5,000 flights have been cancelled. even texas is blanketed with ice. people were skating across the border from mexico into texas. and i thought this was interesting. meteorologists say the cause of the storm is not enough people are thinking warm thoughts. washington d.c. could get as much as five inches of snow on wednesday. president obama went to church today to pray for his wife's vegetable garden. how would you say that? wipes out his wife's vegetable garden? >> guillermo: wipe out his vegetable garden. >> jimmy: forgot the b in
vegetable. sunny and 61 here in l.a. we just look frozen from all the botox injections. our local news stations, they spend a lot of time to convince us that it's a big story when we have to put a coat on. sometimes they really stretch it. while reporters in the east coast were out in the middle of a blizzard, this guy positioned himself outside of an ihop to bring us this. >> we're here at ihop. a warm spot -- if you're for some reason up at this time and you want a warm spot, come here. tony, the cook, is with us. you're still wearing a sweater. what is it like inside of ihop? maybe i was wrong -- >> it's just as cold as it is out here. >> we have learned what is the weather like inside of ihop? i tell you it was fun to watch the nfl games in the snow. the players can't see the lines. it's cold, wet, it's hard to throw and catch the ball. maybe i just like seeing people
miserable. the players have fun with it. look what the lions offense came up with in philadelphia. >> it's been crazy. it's been fun and about three and a half inches of snow if not more on the field. snow has lightened but it was really coming down. >> they built a snow man in the huddle. in college football, rice beat marshall in the conference usa championship game. it was a game highlighted by one very creative man in the stands. >> meaning between marshall and rice. last year they had a thriller. >> that's the guy i meant. he has a job at the "new york times" cross word puzzle. look at how happy he is. can we zoom in on him? he is so delighted.
and he should be. that's why sharpies were invented. this is from the bears vikings game. a fan wearing an adrienne peterson jersey was making his way through the stands. another fan heckled him and captured this classic for the ages. >> look at this [ bleep ] here. look at this [ bleep ] idiot right here. hey adrienne peterson. oh my god. oh my god. i'm so glad i got that on film. i got you, you idiot. >> nice to see everyone in the holiday spirit. there's a new study out of uc san diego which has unearthed an unfortunate new trend. more and more men who live in southern california are starting to talk like valley girl. the valley girl dialect is that thing where every sentence goes up in pitch like you're asking a
question even if you're not asking a question and you say like a lot. it's bad enough when girls do this but when guys do it it's probably the worst thing you could do with your mouth. i don't know. outside of watching keeping up with the kardashians on a continuous loop until it's just ridic, how do you find people to be a part of this. here details. >> the eresearch shows that young men in california are totally speaking in a valley girl dialect. the evidence is overwhelming and statistically compelling. right now i would like to take any questions you might have. omg. the guy in the front with the stripy tie. >> and so the researcher becomes the researchee. we premiered a new show here on
abc tonight, this is a reality competition show that finally answers the question, can anything be a reality competition show? the idea is families from around the country compete to see who can come up with the most elaborate light display on their house. the first 45 minutes is looking through boxes of lights in the attic and untangling them. i love this idea. pitting families against each other in a fight to see who can spend the most money on pointless decorations. it's like all of jesus's teachings all rolled into one. abc also has a companion series that takes things a step farther. >> families across the country compete to bring the biggest brightest loudest show in america. and then -- >> shut the [ bleep ] up! >> you [ bleep ]. >> rein deer aren't made of lights.
>> rudolph only has one light on his nose. >> the angry neighbors of the great christmas light fight. >> you're ruining the environment. >> tonight at 10:00 on abc. >>. [ applause ] >> not a personal fan, i guess. toronto's mayor rob ford is not letting personal problems slow him down. mayor ford made an appearance at the santa clause parade. a lot of people felt he should have stayed home. if i were a torontoian, i would want him at every event. mayor ford was handing out candy canes to children. that's how he hooks them. he gives them candy. this is something. of all the hilarious things
mayor ford has done, this, to me, this might be my favorite. watch this. look at how he passes out these candy cans. he is -- he throws them as if he's feeding pigeons or something. there you go. i could watch that on a loop for like a month. christmas is now only -- today's the ninth? it's like two weeks away. you can tell when the christmas season is upon us when the major networks start airing christmas specials. tonight santa claus is coming to town is aired. to spice things up, we took the voice of the old mayor out and replaced it with the voice of toronto mayor rob ford. >> you guys have asked me a question. you asked me a question back in
may. and you can repeat that question. >> do you smoke crack cocaine? >> exactly. yes, i have smoked crack cocaine. do i? am i an addict? no. have i tried it? probably in one of my drunking stupors approximately about a year ago. all i can do now is apologize and move on. >> why did you decide to finally admit. >> i was sick and tired of all of the allegations and all of the [ bleep ] and excuse my words. that's all it is. sorry -- i shouldn't have sworn in front of the kids. >> i like that. we're going to take a break. when we come back from that break, lindsay lohan reportedly
had paris hilton's brother beaten up, very important stuff. and i will show you a bit of perhaps the greatest funeral in history. and holiday hints from high tau -- from my aunt chippy. we've also got queen latifah, adam pally, and music from cage the elephant. so come on back. y second -- we chip away. with an available ecodiesel engine... and a best-in-class 30 mpg highway and 730-mile driving range... for all the times you dreamed of running away from home -- now you can. with enough fuel to get back. this is the new 2014 jeep grand cherokee. it is the best of what we're made of. well-qualified lessees can lease the 2014 grand cherokee laredo 4x4 for $359 a month.
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take a moment to appreciate how totally freaking weird the world has become. apparent lely both u.s. and brih intelligence agencies were worried terrorists may plan attacks using online gaming world they made fake characters to gain information. you know three weeks flirting with an elf princess turned tout to be a guy, obama knows about that. creepy. i don't mind them spying on me as long as they scan help me with my itunes password when i forget. tlc has a wonderful show running right now "best funeral ever." the season premiered last week. at golden gate funeral home in dallas they plan remembrance ceremonies, i mean elaborate. on tonight's episode they had a funeral for george coleman. apparently the most interesting thing about george. he loved candy. they made that the focus of his
service. >> he was a nice man. and mr. coleman, i realized that he loved sweets. he loved all his sweets. it could have been a honey bun. he loved his honey bun. do you hear me? there's something about sweetness. there is something about the sweetness in christ. ain't got to get no more honey buns to make him happy. what he had was jesus. jesus. jesus. >> yay jesus. >> honey bun. if my eulogy is not delivered by an enormous ginger bread man, i will consider my life to be a failure. normally they lower a casket into the ground and everyone cries and then gets something to eat. >> y'all come on over.
we're going to get some chocolate off the casket. come on up here and get some chocolate. >> this is to my daddy. >> this is for you papa. miss and love you. >> this is for you, george, rest in peace. >> i love you, papaw. >> what is it? what are the chances he dies of diabetes? like 100% right? it's been a few months since i have uttered this sentence but lindsay lohan is in trouble again. she is accused of asking a friend to beat paris hilton's younger brother up. reportedly she was upset about something this guy said about her at a party so she allegedly
asked this guy to punch him in the face. i guess this feud goes back to 2006. they're like the hatfields and mccoys but with purse dogs. the alleged attacker's name is ray lemoine. he really did some damage. gave deep cuts to the forehead and nose. could lead to charges and could lead to barren hilton coming out with his own fragrance. i don't know if she had anything to do with. if she did. this is a good sign for lindsay lohan -- in the old days if she was upset she would run people over with her car. baby steps. while we're on the subject of fights, this is an instagram video. this woman is walking her dog. watch this, the cat attacks the dog. only made the cat madder.
all i can assume is that cats have had enough. christmas is a time of a lot of confusion. there is is a lot to take care of with the parties and cooking. so this year i asked aunt chippy to provide christmas counsel to any viewers who might need it. here is is a special yuletide edition of aunt chippy. >> dear aunt chippy. as an early christmas present, i bought myself grand theft auto 5. i have been playing as trevor and i have already killed over a dozen hookers. if i switch characters and play as michael can i zoom out -- this is [ bleep ]. can i find where trevor is and go kill him? and if so, do i get credit for all of his murders? many thanks in advance.
christie mack. christie mack, do me a favor. write to somebody else. i don't know what the hell it is you talking about and i really don't give a [ bleep ]. leave the hookers alone. they got to make a living. >> if you have a question for me, please e-mail me at dear aunt chippy@g mail.com >> jimmy: tonight on the show, adam pally is here. we have music from cage the elephant. and we'll be right back with queen latifah. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the program, a very funny young man. you know him from "the mindy project," adam pally is with us. and then -- their album is called "melophobia," cage the elephant from the sony outdoor stage. tomorrow night, tom hanks will be here, rachel ray will be with us, and we'll have music from
childish gambino. and later this week, ryan seacrest, carey mulligan, bradley whitford, from "scandal," scott foley, and music from mac miller and jeff campbell. our first guest is a grammy-and golden globe award-winning person. but now, she holds the greatest title any living person can ever hold, talk show host. watch her weekdays in syndication. please welcome queen latifah. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> i will let the audience in on a little secret. you smell really good. and it seems like you're getting taller. is that happening? >> i'm definitely taller in these heels but i have to call you slim jim.
>> i got that way from only eating the skinny little sausages from seven-11. >> they sell a lot of those. >> how are you doing? >> i'm good. >> are you enjoying -- i heard that when you moved from new jersey to california to do your new talk show, you had your family moved out, which seems like a mistake to start with. by bus. >> tour bus. you know, i am queen latifah, the rapper turned everything. so of course i had to get my tour bus, right? >> that makes sense. >> actually, my partner, he doesn't like to fly as much as roll on the tour bus so we bought a tour bus a long time ago. >> and where do you park this thing? is it in the driveway? >> yeah. you just back it up. only take about three hours. >> so somebody drives them from new jersey to la? >> actually they're in chicago. we call the drivers up and they
go wherever we needed to go. momma wanted to have a little tour of america. >> i see. i picked my grandma up in it. hey, nana, go to bed. how dare you tell me to go to bed, i'm the grandma. >> they don't like to travel by plane? >> they do. >> it's quicker to go by plane. >> it's comfortable. you got all the tvs. you have bedrooms and beds. you got full bathrooms. >> did you like being on the bus when you were touring and doing shows? >> i love being on the tour bus. i got some of my best sleep on the tour bus. >> who would be with you? when you were first starting out, how would that work? >> i was in a crazy time of hip hop and we literally kind a grew up together, all of the groups like public enemy, heavy d and the boys, will smith and jazzy jeff.
digital underground, naughty by nature, leaders of the new school. a frib -- a tribe called quest, jungle brothers. >> you would tour with them? >> yeah. >> and at that time were you the closer or one of the baby bands there on the tour? >> i wasn't the baby baby, you know, i wasn't the infant, but i was like the toddler. >> uh-huh. >> you know, public enemy and heavy and will and them they would have been like the teenagers, the grown ups. >> is that a good spot to be in, in that middle section? >> you want to be in the top spot. it's the cool section to be in. when you come out when you're the baby baby act when you have no juice at all you get like three minutes to perform and we talking about arenas and 20,000 seat arenas and you literally have to go out there and do a
three and a half minute show or a six minute show. i would come in and look at the set list. we was last sometimes. like really? they got six minutes to perform? >> you do unity but you only get to unit? >> exactly. ladies first. ladies -- thank you so much. good night y'all. god bless. >> what went on especially being one of the only women on the tours. was it madness? >> well, jimmy, you know -- >> you talking about like digital underground. tupac. >> we were label mates. this was at the time when there was like censorship. luke sky walker and two live crew had to testify before congress because people were trying to censor hip hop. you couldn't cuss. >> it was illegal to do that. >> and certain places had laws and you could get arrested. so i remember one time we were
on tour and digital underground they had the humpty dance. y'all better know the humpty dance. know your hip hop history and they would do this dance. their album had some sexual things and they had blow up dolls. it was a great show. it was fun. just having a blow up doll on stage or saying one expletive, we could get locked up. the promoters warned us don't do your regular show because you will get locked up. they're waiting to arrest you. so they devise this plan to at the end of the show when they did humpty dance they were going to jump into the crowd and just scatter. well, that was cool. at the end of the show, humpty dance comes on and they jump into the crowd but the spotlight stayed on tupac. so he is running through the arena but the damn thing is following him right into the hands of the law.
and it was just like ah! no. no. it was like public indecency. >> that sounds like the plot to the blue brothers or something. >> jimmy: more with queen latifah when we come back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] (music: ithey're here!ersion of "have yourself a merry little christmas") grandma and grandpa! ♪ merry christmas. ♪ ♪
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>> the queen and i are chatting. the producers of your show, will smith and jada pinkett, you have known each other for a long time? >> jada actually danced on one of my first shows. in baltimore when i was 17. i had one record out. my mom went with me to the show. that's how long it was. she was a dancer on that show. and you know, will and i, we toured together so we kind of grew up it was sort of like going to college together. >> whose idea was it to work together in this capacity? >> they called me. i do a show with sony. will and those guys called me and said listen, we think this could work.
we have always worked together. he helped me with living single. he helped me throughout my whole career. we have always been friends. we thought if we all come together it could be something special. >> are you enjoying doing it? >> i am. it was like a grind at first. it was crazy. you know how it is trying to get a show off the ground. you get used to it. now, i'm really having fun and really in the flow. i'm just listening and enjoying the audience and enjoying the guests and the new things we do. kathy griffin is on today. she's going to be on. >> she's a lot of fun. >> you know she go in to say hello to people. before the show sometimes. i go in her dressing room butt ass naked and they let me in. i knock on the door to say hi and i go in and she's like this. just hair and make up, just spray tanning and i was like
hell yeah, kathy griffin. kathy is right under there. she's looking good. i know what kathy griffin looks like from head to toe. >> wow. she has not done that here. >> and they do the same thing to me. >> i am glad you're enjoying doing the show. >> the last talk show was in new york and we had a new york crowd. we dealt with a lot heavier subjects sometimes. new york is new york. i love new york. are y'all from new york or you just love new york, too? >> they're just crazy. >> that's how my talk show was. in new york if there's something going on, they're looking at me and they're going to say something. one time we are on the show, this guy was warning kids about violence and how not to go that path. he said if you do this this is
what could happen to you and he popped his eyeball out. i was standing in the audience looking at it. is might or did y'all see him pop his eyeball. the whole crowd was like "yo, he just popped his eyeball." they were so happy to be able to acknowledge the fact that a man just popped his glass eye out. >> jimmy: now that sammy davis jr. is gone, we just don't get that anymore. >> audiences are so well behaved. >> good job on being so well behaved, everybody. >> we will be right back. honestly, my kids are hard to impress... so i got the windows nokia tablet. it's, well, impressive. it's got the brightest hd screen, super-fast 4g lte, so my son can play games and movies almost anywhere, and it's got office for school stuff. but the best part? i got the lumia 928 for my daughter for free, with the best low-light smartphone camera
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adam pally. ♪ correct me if i'm wrong, but are you wearing that same outfit every time i see you? >> it's my favorite jacket. i got it from a homeless guy. >> oh hey. last time i saw you was at a charity event. and you were auctioning an xbox off. >> i was auctions an xbox off and i made the charity $8,000 by heckling the audience. >> you really did. one of the funniest things i have ever seen. and you were relentless. it was like a $600 item. >> i found that an auction is much like a bank hold up.
if you shine a light on someone and say you're rich and everyone now knows it they feel they need to give to charity. so it worked out good. we always have a good time when we hang out. >> this is terrific. i feel at ease. you have made fun of my jacket. as i'm seeing myself on the monitor i realize i look like a substitute teacher that desperately wants to be cool. [ applause ] like i'm the substitute that comes in like pulls the chair and sits backwards and says don't call my mr. pally. call me mr. p. we hung out at this super fancy charity event. >> we do so much for charity. >> 100% of my proceeds go to charity. >> oh yeah. i remember that. >> it was an eddie vedder concert that he was doing at a
very fancy hollywood house in the hills. malibu, i believe. growing up a jewish kid in the 90s, pearl jam, eddie vedder is my michael jordan. so happy to be at this very small solo concert and there were all of these -- you were there and all of these, tim robins and my agent was there and i saw him and i was like hey and he was like what are you doing here? >> really? >> which is like not great to hear from your agent. and i was like what do you mean? i'm a relatively successful television personalty and i love eddie vedder. the truth is my wife's father does eddie vedder's travel. >> is that right? >> yeah. and i gave zero money to the charity. >> so your agent had some insight?
>> he was right to know i din belong. the craziest thing is right before the concert starts, sandler sits down next to me and like again -- >> adam sandler? >> no, william. you know willie sandler? adam sandler, to me, again, jewish kid, 90s, northeast, sandler is like michael jordan, again. >> again? how many michael jordans can you have? >> well, i'll run down the list. there is eddie vedder, adam sandler, michael jordan. >> michael jordan was my michael jordan. it's so god because you are watching eddie vedder. and sandler leans over and says eddie sounds pretty good tonight and i'm like yeah, adam sandler,
he sounds pretty good. then he kind of started talking [ bleep ] about eddie vedder. >> what did he say? >> i didn't know eddie was this good as guitar. eddie didn't used to be this good at guitar. and i didn't want to bash eddie and i was like yeah, he's gotten better, right? >> and then he goes, in the middle he goes excuse me i'll be right back. and he walks up on to the stage, sings a song, the kids are all right. the great who song. comes back down, sits next to me and gives me a fist bump like he's obama or something. and he was like how was that? was that good? was i on key? and i was like yeah. adam sandler, you were great. he said, i thought it would go better. eddie slowed me down. >> they did sound good together. >> weird but good together. >> so those are you two musical influences?
eddie vedder and adam sandler? >> those are my two biggest musical influences. >> i should say also, i am a giant hip hop fan. >> i could tell that, obviously. >> well, i mean huge. i wanted to talk to you about that. >> is it bothering you? >> it is. >> what's the problem? >> i have something i want to get off of my chest and it's this sweater because it is ill fitting. i'm a giant hip hop fan and it's just -- it's kind of frustrating that as i love the music so much, i can't sing along with it in my car or at a concert or anywhere where the lyrics are played because of the n word. >> nutella? >> nutella. it's just mentioned so much in
rap. nutella what? and i certainly do not want to say the n word. >> yes. >> and i don't want to say it ever but i love the music. >> so it's a dilemma? >> it's a huge dilemma. but i think i have found the loophole. >> what is the loophole? >> this may or may not work but i would like to perform a song for you and the audience. [ applause ] >> all right. all right. all right. let's wait and see how he does. >> yeah. >> the song is by one of my favorite musicians, mr. kanye west. >> all right. >> and i'm going to substitute the n word for something i think a little bit more appropriate, jimmy.
i found a loophole that basically let's jewish kids sing hiphop without using the n word by substituting one of america's sweethearts into the song. mr. david schwimmer. >> give it a try and let's see how it goes. look at this. he's got a microphone. >> my mother was raised in the era when clean water was only served to the fairer skin, doing clothes you would have thought i had help but they wasn't satisfied unless i picked the cotton myself. you see this rich schwimmer? what you want, a bentley, diamond chain, all you friends want all the same thing. used to only be schwimeer's.
uh, uh, uh. you see there's leaders and there's followers but i'd rather be a ross than a monica. there's leaders and followers but i'd rather be a ross than a monica. [ applause ] >> jimmy: adam pally! "the mindy project" airs tuesdays at 9:30 on fox. when we come back, music from cage the elephant. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'd like to thank queen latifah, adam pally, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, this is their album "melophobia." here with song "come a little closer," cage the elephant. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ time shakes found you at the
water ♪ ♪ at first you were my father now i love you like a brother ♪ ♪ earth quakes shake the dust behind you ♪ ♪ this world at times will blind you still i know i'll see you there ♪ ♪ come a little closer then you'll see come on come on come on ♪ ♪ things aren't always what they seem to be come on come on come on ♪ ♪ do you understand the things that you would see here ♪ ♪ come on come on come on do you understand ♪ ♪ the things that you've been dreaming ♪ ♪ come a little closer then you'll see heart breaks ♪
♪ the heavy world's upon your shoulders will we burn or we just smolder ♪ ♪ somehow i know i'll find you there ooh ♪ ♪ i wanna see if you can change it change it ♪ ♪ still i know i'll see you there come a little closer then you'll see ♪ ♪ come on come on come on things aren't always what they seem to be ♪ ♪ do you understand the things that you would see here ♪ ♪ come on come on come on do you understand ♪ ♪ the things that you've been dreaming ♪ ♪ come a little closer then