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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  January 3, 2014 11:35pm-12:36am PST

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>> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, mark wahlberg, bruce dern, and music from polica, with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ jimmy kimmel live ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thank you for watching.
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and hey, quick question, is it yuletide or yuletime. valentine or valentide? very confusing. hey, we got an early christmas gift today from toronto. this morning, mayor rob ford apologized to members of the city council for calling them corrupt. he called them corrupt yesterday. a half apology. he said he was super, super, super, super, super sorry. it is not just food. he super sizes everything. he apologized, council speaker, demanded it. a contentious exchange between them. then something magical happened. rather than tell you about i think it best to show you what happened today. >> yeah, he is absolutely right. the mayor is. he did nothing wrong. he didn't have to apologize. good that you did, because of the way you described it, jerry. but he didn't have to do it. >> all right.
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before we go further on this. apparent leap they're dancing at city hall. look at that. isn't that great. there is the mayor. >> i smell an apology coming. >> the one in the red is the speaker. francis nunziata. >> is that real? >> this is happening right now. merry christmas at toronto city hall. >> jimmy: what the hell is going on? are they all on crack? that's the woman who force the them to apologize. one minute they're yelling, the next they're dancing around the room. here is the thing. the mayor ford experience has been educational. for a while i thought it was him.
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just mayor ford. what i have realized. canadians are much, much weirder than any of us had any idea they were. they seem so normal. they're not. they're different. and i think that's important. going forward we keep this in mind. these people are coco-nutso. we could be in danger. do we have any canadians with us here tonight? [ cheers and applause ] all right, we will keep an eye on you. christmas is almost here. i want to remind everyone it falls on the 25th this year. this year, i, i get custody of lamar on christmas eve and khloe on christmas day. we make the best of a bad situation. a special time of the year. an interesting fact. more men are forced to watch love actually during this week than any other week of the year. because thanksgiving came late in november this year there were fewer shopping days. because of that, some retailers are doing everything they can to boost sales. toys "r" us is staying open 87
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hours straight leading up to christmas. open all day and night, saturday at 6:00 a.m. is there anything more depressing than going to toys "r" us at 3:00 a.m. to buy an elmo that hugs you back? and kohl's 100 straight hours, all day and all night. there is going to be weird gifts. dad has drinks, stops into the kohl's. bed skirt and hammer, just what i wanted. one of the most popular toys for girls this year is the flutter-by-flying fairy. this is the flutter-by-flying fairy. the way it works, you charge it up. and then you push the button. and the fairy flies. let me show you. there is the button. all right. here we go. or nothing happens at all. we had the, the flying spary. okay, thank you.
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what's going on? it worked in -- in rehearsal it was really great. [ cheers and applause ] it is going to come back to life in my dreams and fly in. all these toys, gadgets are fun. but it is important not to forget what christmas is really about. and that is the birth of of a baby under extremely unsanitary conditions in spain that statement is especially true. a spanish christmas tradition. i found out about, called the little figurine depicted in the act of pooping in the nativity scene. >> in catalonia, christmas tradition has gone to the toilet. here, the iconic caganer has been part of the nativity scene. thanks to this man and his workshop, this is finding its way overseas.
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with the famous pooper, angela merkel and american president barack obama. >> as a small child i always wanted to make poop, now i make poop every day. it is a christmas miracle and i am crazy. >> jimmy: i hope he washes his hand before he makes the paella. >> they hide the pooping puppet in the manger, and good way to teach kids to stay away from chocolate. spain isn't the only place. they do it in portugal and southern italy. a tradition dates back to the 1th century. some believe it symbolizes fertilizing the earth for a good harvest. nobody knows for sure hour it started. which i know how it started. some dumb ass in the 17th 17th century pooped in the nativity. the lottery, jackpot is the second largest jackpot in american history.
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that is a lot of money. with that kind of money, you could add avocado to everything on the menu. did anybody here buy a lottery ticket? i didn't feel like waiting in line. i fed a dollar bill to a pigeon. same result. they say you have a better chance of being hit by an eli manning pass than winning the lottery? a football joke. [ applause ] a joke. hold on. it is a joke for football fans. the drawing at 11:00 p.m. eastern tonight. just once, i would like to see the woman who pulls the ping-pong balls out win. wouldn't that be something? probably wouldn't let her have it, right. a lot of people play the lottery say they would keep their job if they've won. i don't know. in fact last night, guillermo said he would keep his job if he won.
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so this afternoon, we gave guillermo a polygraph test. we had a professional come in. with a lie detector to find out if he was telling the truth or not. we will have the results of that test later on inn't show. are you nervous guillermo? >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: we asked him a lot of questions not just that. i think the reason people say they would keep their jobs they know their boss will get mad if they don't. tonight thigh thought it would be fun to send sal out to hollywood boulevard off to ask people what they would say to their boss if they won $636 million. we do this from time to time to allow people to vent. to protect and encourage them, we let them do it from behind a mask. >> if you were to win the lottery what would you say to your boss? >> the first thing, a big [ bleep ] you. >> itch you won the jackpot, what would you say to your boss? >> hey, marty, [ bleep ], i quit real estate. you know what, take that listing and shove it up your -- >> take your pharmaceuticals and kid rocks. >> take that. >> screw you. i hate you.
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and you need to take your [ bleep ] and shove if the up your hairy [ bleep ]. >> she works the at hooters i think. >> yeah. >> if you were to win the lottery what would you say to your boss? >> [ bleep ] i'm out of here. >> just like that. run away, free bird. she is on skates. >> i would say i hope you enjoy washing dishes this is my sports bar now. and i'm the monopoly guy. [ bleep ] dog. >> yeah, dog, take that, tiffany amber thiessen. >> if you were to win the mega million jackpot, what would you say to your boss? >> ah, i'm out of here! . ah! >> nice. is this your name? >> yeah. >> milan. >> milan. thanks, milan. all right, take care. >> jimmy: all right. we have something very interesting coming up. we have guillermo who took the lie detector, a real one.
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i have a lot of questions for him. and plus, mark wahlberg, bruce dern, and music from poliça. so come on back. so you can see like right here i can just... you know, check my policy here, add a car, ah speak to customer service, check on a know, all with the ah, tap of my geico app. oh, that's so cool. well, i would disagree with you but, ah,
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>> jimmy: welcome back. mark wahlberg. and bruce dern. and music from polica. last night before the show, i asked guillermo if you won the mega millions jackpot would you quit your job, or stay here and work. you said what? >> guillermo: i would stay here and work. >> jimmy: he said he would stay and work. i don't know if i believe that.
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i invited professional polygraph administrator, dennis blackstock to come. dennis, how you doing? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come into our studio to get the truth. i want to make sure everybody understands. a real polygraph test, correct? >> yes. >> jimmy: you do this all the time? how long? >> seven years. >> jimmy: you have a good read on guillermo. >> yes, i do. >> jimmy: we asked guillermo a bunch of questions. at the end of the polygraph, we'll find out if. he was telling the truth. let's begin. >> if you won the mega millions jackpot would you leave jimmy kimmel live? >> guillermo: no. >> do you think jimmy makes you work too hard? >> guillermo: some times. >> do you like your mother-in-law? >> guillermo: no. no.
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not even a little bit. >> jimmy: did your mother-in-law watch the show? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: good. >> do you ever sleep at work? >> guillermo: no. only one time that i got drunk. it was tequila day. i was so drunk. i've came here, laid down. i did fall asleep. >> do you ever drink at work? >> guillermo: yes. i drink, not all the time, but -- three or four times a day, a week. >> have you ever gotten so drunk that you wet yourself? >> guillermo: yes. ha-ha. not only once. couple times. [ laugher ] >> jimmy: you got so drunk you wet yourself more than one time. >> guillermo: yes. i told you that. >> jimmy: you are a sick person,
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guillermo. >> jimmy: all right, one more. >> if you could spend the night with beyonce without your wife finding out, would you? >> yes, of course. if you get scarlet johannsen in there, that would be great too. >> do you ever make fun of jimmy behind his back? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: next question. >> jimmy: you ungrateful little weeble. you are making fun of me behind my back? >> only the way you dance. >> jimmy: how do i dance? >> guillermo: like a robocop. >> jimmy: when do you ever see me dance, i don't dance? i am not a dancer. this is not the "ellen" show. >> guillermo: i saw you at your
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wedding. >> jimmy: at my wedding. >> jimmy: i'm more hurt than angry. >> guillermo: sorry. >> jimmy: time for the results. dennis, will you tell us to which questions did guillermo answer untruthfully? >> his biggest problem question was if he won the mega millions lottery would he stave at work? he lied. >> jimmy: he lied? you were lying? >> guillermo: no, i was not lying. >> jimmy: you are not. are you lying now? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: how do we know. what else did he lie about? >> partially truthful when asked about drinking at work. he said three times a week. then three times a day. he still failed. a little more than that. >> jimmy: that was it. rest of the stuff he was truthful. >> he had a problem with making fun of you behind your back. >> jimmy: more than just my dancing? >> pretty sure that is true. >> guillermo: no -- >> jimmy: yeah, i got it. all right.
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well, all the. all right, thank you very much. i appreciate that. we're going to start, you know what we will start doing. regularly testing you. are you drunk tonight by the way? yeah, all right. and from the movie "nebraska," bruce dern is here. we have music from polica, and we'll be right back with mark wahlberg. so stick around! [ male announcer ] this one goes out to all the allergy muddlers.
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you've got to try this sweet & sour chicken helper. i didn't know they made chicken. crunchy taco or four cheese lasagna? can i get another one of those actually? [ superfan ] hey, america, we're here to help. ♪ [ female announcer ] at 100 calories, not all food choices add up. some are giant. some not so giant. when managing your weight, bigger is always better. ♪ ho ho ho ♪ green giant >> jimmy: all right. tonight on the program, a golden globe nominee, someone is going back home to his country --
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a golden globe nominee, for his excellent new movie "nebraska," the great bruce dern is here. and then, their album is called "shulamith," poliça from the sony stage. tomorrow night, tim robbins will be here, from espn, bill simmons, and jalen rose, and music, and will farrell, adam scott, and christopher cross and legendary newsman ron burgundy on the show! i swear this thing was great in rehearsal. see if i can get it going now? again it's not going. am i doing something wrong? let me get the other one. what a terrible commercial for this product. it must be me, right? i mean --
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should i shake it? will that help? i mean it worked backstage. son of a gun. i blame you for this too, guillermo. all right. well, i guess -- oh, look a guy from the back. oh, yeah, because he didn't have it turned on. that helps. all right. whoa. whoa. i lost it. i'll get it. i'll get. i work alone. right there. it shuts itself off. >> jimmy: all right. >> here you go. here you go. >> jimmy: all right. thanks so much. here we go. all right. there we are. look at that. and then -- when it will stay with you. sorry. >> jimmy: our first guest is an oscar, emmy and golden globe- nominated actor and producer who diggled his way into our hearts.
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you can see him now leading a group of navy seals through the mountains of afghanistan in the new movie "lone survivor" it opens in la and ny christmas day, please welcome mark wahlberg. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? yeah. couldn't make it. [ cheers and applause ] notice how he had to put his hand up her dress to get it to go. >> jimmy: isn't that always the way. you have a little girl, right? do you want to give this to her. she might like it. >> i would, but my sons will shoot it out of the sky. >> jimmy: what would they shoot it with, what weapons do the boys have?
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>> when my wife is not around. we started with paint ball guns. love the paint ball. we got into, tried to introduce the b.b. gun. my wife was having no part of it. and then i have a friend, who is a volunteer to be shot by them. i have a video if you want to see it later. >> jimmy: yes, i do want to see that. who is your friend that volunteers. nacho? >> not nacho. a special talent that i have in my stable. his name is big a. >> jimmy: big a.
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>> he sent me a text. i said we may talk about you getting shot by the kids with the paint ball gun. you got to tell everybody that i am an israeli soldier, special forces. in the israeli army. don't think he is special forces. i don't think he has seen the tape of him getting shot. he doesn't look heroic. shaking profusely. not a good sell. he thinks this will get him big security jobs, like he is willing to take a bullet. i don't think anyone would want to hire him after seeing this. >> jimmy: take a look. and this is big a and your sons. >> michael and brendon. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> the target. >> it is 100 points for the bulls eye. >> jimmy: you can see his big a there. what kind of lesson is this for your children? >> you know what. >> jimmy: he had this done. >> my wife. i'm in trouble for it. >> jimmy: does your wife know? >> she did hear it. he is crazy. he came back. wanted to do it again. and now my 3-year-old daughter
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was cheering and screaming. >> jimmy: i read you go to church twice on sundays. >> not always. normally i look to go to mass because there are not people there. this sunday i did go. my daughter was doing altar. the later in the day i go, i get scripts later in the day. >> jimmy: on location will you go -- and find a local church? >> i was in hong kong. found ape place. you go to church in hong kong. nobody is going to recognize me. i am surprised any time, anybody recognizes me outside of the country. going to church in hong kong. i go to the church. it's packed for 8:00 mass. missed 7:00 mass. really crowded here. i walk into the church. find this bench seat myself. sit in the back. all of a sudden all these people
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look. and like ten women on each side of me squish me in. none of them are from hong kong. they're all filipino. they realized i know manny pacquiao. and it was 99% women in the mass. incredible. thought i was disrupting the mass. next week went at 7:00. they expected me. it was pretty crazy. an amazing service. >> jimmy: did you understand any of it? >> it was in english? >> jimmy: so then yes. >> they knew. some of it. not all of it. but they knew, you know, every aspect of the mass. then most didn't speak english other than knowing what the service was about. >> jimmy: wow, how about that.
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>> a special experience. i felt blessed. >> interesting, when you hatch that, where you go to another country, and you have a very, because, in catholic, catholic i assume. there is a specific kind of way it goes. so even if you've don't, you are not from there, you know what is going on. >> yes. or at least the good word translates everywhere. >> jimmy: there you go. there you go. >> you were an altar boy? >> jimmy: for seven years. technically i could baptize you if i wanted to. if you were to sneeze, you would become born again. >> i love it. >> jimmy: we'll come back, talk about your new movie, really, really great. mark wahlberg here is and the movie is "lone survivor. we'll be right back! this is humira, adalimumab. this is humira working to help relieve my pain. this is humira helping me through the twists and turns. this is humira helping to protect my joints from further damage. doctors have been prescribing humira for over ten years. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. for many adults, humira is proven to help relieve pain and stop further joint damage. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal events, such as infections, lymphoma, or other types of cancer,
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>> you mean fall off? >> yeah! [ indiscernible ] >> jimmy: mark wahlberg! i liked it a lot. in the movie you play a real navy s.e.a.l. i guess you would know more about him than weep would. tell us about the guy. >> i am still getting to know him. marcus latrell, operation red wing out of the 14 guys that went up there. total of 19 guys died that day on the mountain worst tragedy in the history of the navy seal. they were up there looking for high ranking taliban official. what happened they were stumbled
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upon by goat herders, made a decision, they had two choices, let them go. or compromise -- terminate the compromise. decided to let the guys go. within 40 minutes. an hour. they were celebrated by couple hundred taliban. engaged for 3 1/2 hours. all of the team guys perished that day. he crawled 7 1/2 miles after broken pelvis, hip, shot, crushed his face, bit his tongue in half, crawled 7 1/2 miles and was saved by afghan villager who actually -- risked his own life. went to war against the taliban. tin this village for 4 1/2 days before he was rescued. an amazing story. >> jimmy: it is. >> i have a huge appreciation for our military and what they do for us. seeing something like this, experiencing getting to know firsthand if the really t. >> jimmy: yeah, feels very, very real. pete berg directed it. i enjoyed it.
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you got your high school diploma, isn't that correct? >> yes. >> jimmy: online. >> yep. yeah, they create aid program. you could kind of go back and take courses on line. online. i decided to do it for a year. >> beside letting my kids shoot paint ball guns at some of my friends. make them understand the value of an education. so i didn't want them saying, well, dad you are semisuccessful. you didn't go to high school. never mind college. why should we? and also, you know it was one of my biggest regrets. felt that was something holding me back from being as successful as i wanted to be. >> jimmy: will you go on to community college or how will it work from here? >> i'm going to harvard, baby! you know what i would love to study film at usc, ucla, love to study business -- >> jimmy: what is the point,
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really? what is the point of doing that? i am here to talk some sense into? you don't need to study anything anymore. >> you know what it is just things that interest me. so if i can continue to further my education and, help, help to -- further my career and success. >> jimmy: if you have a crappie attitude like that. you are not going to go anywhere. >> i am working on it. that's why i go to church every day. >> jimmy: how was nacho. he was here with you. drank hot sauce. may have set a record that night. >> he set a world record that night. nacho melt his match.
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one of the things that, she is not okay with. does let me do it from time to time. for a long time my kids have been doing, making yuckies. for nacho. most horrible concoctions, anything they can find. whether it be from the pantry, the fridge, the garbage, as long as not from the toilet. they put these things together. nacho has to drink them. the first time they everyone beat nacho. he was projectile vomiting off the back porch. he starred on the wahlbergers, they're making my brother paul and mother crazy. television gold. going to be a big star. >> jimmy: you are a complex man, mark wahlberg. mark wahlberg, "joan survivor, opens in new york and los angeles on christmas day. we'll be right back with bruce dern. tasted the big juicy steak that's on applebee's under 550 calories menu, i was all, "what the what?!" then i tasted the zesty roma chicken and shrimp, which is also on the under 550 calories menu and i was like, "i can't believe it!" then, i told some friends about it and they couldn't believe how great it tasted either. they were totally, "who the, have a, what the huh?!" new under 550 calorie roma pepper steak and zesty roma chicken and shrimp. two almost unbelievably tasty reasons to see you tomorrow. need another reason? now for a limited time
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>> jimmy: our next guest has been directed by everyone from alfred hitchcock to quentin tarantino. he is enjoying some of the best reviews of his career and a golden globe nomination for his
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work in "nebraska." it's in theatres now. please welcome bruce dern. >> jimmy: how are you? congratulations. this movie is so great. you are so great in it. i really loved it. i thought you did a great job. i was very happy you got the nomination. are you enjoying this? >> um -- it took 55 years, but it is very nice. i love it. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you have been acting -- how has hollywood changed since you started out? >> well, when i began there were
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three things that you knew you had to do. you had to go to new york. you had to try and become a member of the actor's studio. and you had to work for kazan. nowadays, the people kind of put broadway on a back burner, they come to hollywood much quicker than they start in the theater and try to do to work for alexander payne or quinton tarrantino, the kazan/payne similarity is there. one made movies about the human condition. the other makes movies about the human condition. >> jimmy: as far as trying to get to work with alexander payne, will you seek him out? you tell him, i am -- i like your work, i would love to work with you? or does he call you? how does that work? >> well my daughter laura starred in alexander's first movie "citizen ruth" i met him then for about an hour. ten years ago last week i got the script of "nebraska" sent to me by him. with no offer. just -- what you do you think of this material? i loved it. the next morning as soon as it
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opened at 9:00, went to toys "r" us, bought a red truck, left a note i think i am woody, left it with the secretary. make sure she would deliver and not go home and give it to her kid. i never heard back from him. laura ran into him a month later. he said, tell your dad, i really appreciated the little truck and the note. the next thing i knew he was off making "sideways." and, nothing happened after that. and then he was making "the descendants" in hawaii. i didn't know. i figured well, there is a couple things here keeping this from ever being made. one is brucy from wanetka, and black and white. nobody wanted to make it black and white. >> jimmy: you sent a red truck, it probably confused him.
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the black and white was a great twist. when i saw the movie, i was like "oh it is in black and white." and then it was just the perfect decision. one of your good buddies, jack nicholson. when was this? how long ago? >> 1972. >> jimmy: 1972. what would you do for fun? i know you guys are close. 1972. how would you entertain yourselves? >> well, after school, we used to go around and -- i don't know. create some kind of -- modest mayhem of some kind. kind of mess stuff up for something. but, we, we actually were still, jack for sure was assembling a career and becoming a movie
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star. we worked on acting much more every day, all day. than they seem to do today. we go out and do scenes. be different people. get on ape bus. go to the dodgers. go off to the track. we would, we would be different people. and work on relationships all day long. not just jack and me. but harry dean stanton, dennis hopper, adam o'rourke. we'd go around and work. >> jimmy: create a character in your mind. or in character, for whatever you were shooting at that time? >> not shooting. just on our own. we would make up things to do if we weren't shooting. if we were shooting. when you did movies, like we did. you are doing a movie in 15 days. for $195,000. a box lunch. with real hell's angels. we didn't ride motorcycles. god al mighty. i was scared to death. i have done a bunch of westerns. i can't ride. i'm the guy that looks at the horse i am approaching. i just know he hates me.
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just right away. this, this guy is going to kick me to death. and ruin me. and it will be a nightmare. >> jimmy: here you are, with alfred hitchcock. working on -- the family plot. a guy to me, almost as if he is a fictional character. like a cartoon character or something. what was he like? >> well, he was -- when weep first came to hollywood. we got a lucky break. because we still had a chance to work with the legends. he is even bigger than a legend. he is -- the legends were bigger than life. you can't be bigger than life now in this business. but, he was bigger than life. no matter what. he was funny. he was a very huge man. people think well he was small. he stood backwards so much. if you measure, the height and tipped him forward. and he weighed 265 pounds. he was big. one funny thing that happened
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one day. the first day of the movie. of shooting family -- shooting family plot. at the end of the day. he said to the first assistant, oh, might i have a word with the crew. the first assistant said yeah. i decided the first day of the movie. i was going to put my chair next to him. wasn't going to miss ten weeks with this guy. we had a relationship. he started to get up. as he got up. his hips went between the arm of the chair and emteam space here. has he got up. the chair came with him. and stuck the legs straight out. so big and so heavy and everything. he couldn't get it off him. he couldn't turn to talk to you. so he just said to me, oh, a hand, please. and as he walked away. i had to stand up and pull the chair off of his butt. then heap did an amazing thing. he went. i have never seen it done before.
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he said, ladies and gentlemen, i would look to thank you for a very wonderful first day. and proceeded to walk around the set. to 71 crew members. and thank every single one of them by their first name. wow. >> jimmy: a good chance he gave out random names. and you didn't know. who is going to correct alfred hitchcock right? >> no. >> jimmy: congratulations on the movie. and i'm sure you will be nominated for an oscar. bruce dern. and right back with polica! >> jimmy: i'd like to thank mark wahlberg, bruce dern, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time.
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but add some sauce, pepperoni and cheese and fold up the crescent dough and presto, tuesday night just became crescent pizza pocket-tastic pillsbury crescents. make dinner pop. he loves me. he loves me not. he loves me. he loves me not. ♪ he loves me! that's right. [ mom ] warm and flaky in 15, everyone loves pillsbury grands! [ girl ] make dinner pop! >> jimmy: i'd like to thank mark wahlberg, bruce dern, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next, but first, this is their album "shulamith"
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- here with song "spilling lines," poliça. poliça "spilling lines" ♪ i'll appease them all watch me run whenever he calls ♪ ♪ change my clock to follow his time spilling lines they ain't even mine ♪
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♪ don't you ask me for just one more kiss don't you see how weak i get ♪ ♪ when i can grant your wish so oh oh ♪ ♪ don't you ask me for just one more kiss don't you see how weak i get ♪ ♪ when i could grant your wish so oh oh ♪ ♪ hold so tight i break your hand fall from the saints to be your woman ♪ ♪ talk till the day to beg a chance bury my name under the sand no you can't ♪ ♪ don't you ask me for just one more kiss don't you see how weak i get ♪ ♪ when i can grant your wish so
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oh oh ♪ ♪ don't you ask me for just one more kiss don't you see how weak i get ♪ ♪ when i can grant your wish so oh oh ♪ ♪ you don't own me i'm not just one of your many toys ♪ ♪ you don't own me don't say i can't go with other boys ♪ ♪ and don't tell me what to do don't tell me what to say ♪ ♪ and please when i go out with you don't put me on display cause ♪ ♪ you don't own me don't try to change me in any way ♪


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