tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 24, 2014 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
news app and next newscast at 4:30 tomorrow morning. >> right now on jimmy kimmel actress judy bowen. actress judy bowen. >> good night everyone >> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight julie bowen. comedian dave attell. this week in unnecessary censorship. and music from cut/copy. with cleto and the cletones. and now, as far as i can tell, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ "jimmy kimmel live"
>> jimmy: welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. i'd look ike to welcome you. don't be alarmed. we are very friendly. right, guillermo. >> guillermo: right, jimmy. >> jimmy: let me ask. who do you think who works at the show is the most friendly person on the staff? >> guillermo: cleto sr. >> jimmy: i would have to agree. cleto sr. who is the least friendly person on the staff, would you say? >> guillermo: brad, i don't remember his last name. brad. >> jimmy: brad. he is? wow. this morning, "time" magazine, every year, right after people releases its 50 most beautiful people issue, time releases its list of the 100 most influential people. usually i make both lists. but this year, i didn't even -- get on one. the people who did make this year's most en flinfluential, k
washington, hillary clinton, pope francis, quiona, i didn't realize, a super food. very popular. beyonce is on the cover of time. beyonce really is influential. before beyonce, no one was ready for that jelly. but now many people across the world are well prepared for it. we are gjelly ready. thanks to you. president obama made the list again. if he didn't -- sorry, dude. the president is in japan today. they invited hem to the national museum of science and innovation to show him among other things the robot that honda develop you. may have seen incarnations of this. now the thing can kick a soccer ball. >> i can kick a soccer ball too. >> right here. >> ooh. >> good job. >> jimmy: it is cute watching
the president interact with a prototype which will one day enslave us all isn't it? the president saw demonstrations by a number of other robots that were so lifelike he called them scary. this is good. he bowed to the robot. this is the, this was the top story on the drudge report this morning. u.s. president bows to japanese robot. and, a similar thing. united states president barack obama bows to japanese robot. as if he surrendered our nuclear arsenal to it. these robots are kind of creepy. the one he played with soccer with initiated a conversation. listen to this. >> hello, president obama. please take me back to your country. these men are building me for sex. >> jimmy: you know what, keep that robot away from the secret service. you know -- facebook is doing very well financially right now.
better than expected. facebook reported earnings for the first quarter of this year. almost tripled their earnings. between january 1 and march 31st, a profit of $642 million. which is craze yef. think of the fact that a guy who made, basically a hot or not website for nerd in his dorm room would one day have more money than central america. but he does. facebook took in $2.5 billion in revenue, most of it from advertising. has anyone ever clicked an ad on facebook? it is, some one paid $2.5 billion to sponsor pictures of your nephew's birthday. facebook says they have $1.3 billion active monthly users. by active, i mean, not at all active. i mean, people who are -- planting virtual corn in imaginary fields. facebook isn't the only website doing well. this morning i cashed in all my classmates.com stock, i got a
mirror with a van halen logo on it. last night, angels played the red sox at fenway park. yankees pitcher, was ejected from the game for cheating. look at this. see, there is a little conversation on the mound. the umpire checked his neck. threw him. threw him out of the game. he found out he was wearing drakar, which is against the rules. of the majors. he had pine tar on his neck. gives pitchers a better grip on the ball. a sticky, a performance enhancing s skrchchmutz. i don't know why they assumed he was using it to throw the ball. giving his neck a piney scent. he has been suspended ten gamentgames. he said he was upset. he is going to learn from the mistake and hopes to stay strong. and teammate a-rod has just the supplements to help him do that. a strange new product coming to your liver this fall, palcohol,
powdered alcohol. really? pal skoe h palcohol, crystal light that will get you drunk. a shot of alcohol. great for astronauts looking to get wasted in space. there are six flavors. vodka, rum, mojito, cosmopolitan, lemon drop. why do i feel like keith richard will sprinkle this stuff on his cherrios in the morning. powder is meant to be mixed with walter water, or buy a bottle of liquid that contains alcohol they have those now. creator says imagine a regular margarita on the counter. now imagine itch yine if you co your fingers and the margarita turns into powder. that's what palcohol. >> when i am enjoying a margarita on a hot summer day,
this its good, but i wish it was a little pile of dust. in fact, palcohol is what kathie lee and hoda call each other. thank you. out of toirnz,uof towners, i as audience tonight. hope you were able to get hotel rooms. mentioned this last night. l.a. falling behind major cities when it comes to tourism. we don't have enough hotel rooms. we have tons of homeless guys dressed as wolverines scaring your children on the street. not that many hotel rooms. if you are thinking about visiting us here. you are having trouble finding a room. there are a few web sites that can help. air b & b. interesting thing. rent somebody's apartment or house out while they're not in it. of course, expedia.com, travelocity, this one is interesting. an app you can use to find a place to stay just about
anywhere. >> announcer: looking for a place to stay that won't break the bank. from creators of grindr and tinder comes dumpster. listings in l.a., new york, and paris. then book with just a click. >> we saved a bundle on our trip to l.a. >> with room for the whole namely. >> and free chinese food! yea! >> dumpstr, dive right in. available behind walgreens. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. we need to take a break. weave aven we have a lot of good stuff. if you come back, i will reward you with "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> jimmy: we've also got julie bowen, dave attell, and music from cut/copy. when we come back, i will fell you about "peeps:the movie" for real when we come back. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: tonight on the show dave attell is here we have music from cut copy raring to go. hollywood is something special. there is a movie in development right now. i read this in what we called the trades today about peeps, you know the little marshmallow birds. put them in microwave and watch them blow up. they're making a movie about them. taking candy. people are marginally interested in one day out of the year. they're turning it into a feature film. peeps, not only a movie, they aren't even food. they're, i don't know what they are. there is some form of insulation
or something. but a real company optioned the tv and film rights and they probably paid a lot of money for it. which it -- you know -- on one hand is maddening. but on the other hand, you know, i actually have an idea for -- for a movie that. excuse me. i have to go pitch this before somebody beats me to it. i'm sorry the i will be right back okay. i'll be right back. you entertain them. >> hey! >> jimmy! >> whoa! >> how you doing. what's happening? cameras everywhere.
this is going to be great. see that. are there any executives here? >> yeah, hi. >> hello. >> how are you? >> i'm jimmy kimmel. do you have a minute for a meeting? >> have a seat right here. >> jimmy: great. i have a movie idea. >> great, jimmy, lay it on us. >> jimmy: you go bubblegum, big league chew, player on it, big league chew the movie. >> would it be in 3-d?
>> jimmy: um -- definitely. yeah, definitely. >> we love it. >> sold. >> this is going to be huge. >> jimmy: really? wow? >> jimmy, here is a check for $27 million. >> jimmy: whoa. thank you so much. >> you go crush it. >> we got a green light then? >> you go out. make your movie. >> jimmy: thank you so much. i'm going to. got a green light. $27 million. i don't know what they pay you, but, oh, wow! this is -- okay. oh, yeah, we still have got the show. i don't know if i have to do the show anymore. i'm rich. all right. i'm rich!
i'm rich! i'm rich! i'm rich! i'm rich! thank you, thank you. thank you. thank you. >> no! >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: guard this with your life. >> guillermo: okay, jimmy. >> jimmy: hollywood at its best. thank you very much. and -- one more thing before we roll on this thursday night. time for the weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not, it is "this week in
unnecessary censorship." >> the united states, sending vladamir putin of russia a new unmistakable message, [ bleep ], and [ bleep ]. >> doubled the reward to find the person who [ bleep ] a pelican and left it for dead. >> this next story is going to get you really [ bleep ] up. >> what people need is a [ bleep ] in the butt and a pep talk. >> i would look to [ bleep ], my [ bleep ]. >> no matter what happens with the dodgers it all seems to come down to one four letter word -- [ bleep ]. >> through the area, in brown, that's blowing [ bleep ]. yeah, we know the southern san joaquin valley when you get the wind you get the [ bleep ] blowing as well. >> how many [ bleep ] do you take a week, you said seven. >> maybe some guys just like [ bleep ]. >> uh-oh. >> mother. >> mother? >> mother [ bleep ]. >> beautiful. >> unnecessary censorship. really funny because [ bleep ]
seems like they do. >> i've avenue been doing the laundry. and i [ bleep ] my pants again. >> what did you say? >> he wasn't allowed to shove the [ bleep ] in your face. >> why don't we demonstrate what an erection is supposed to look like. >> all right. >> put it down here. i can't believe i am doing this. i can't believe i'm doing this. >> jimmy: tonight on the show dave attell is here we have music from cut copy and we'll be right back with julie bowen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ sometimes for small audiences. sometimes for a full house.
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program you should stay up very late on saturday to watch his new show it's called "comedy underground with dave attell" the very funny dave attell is here. and then they came from australia to share music from this album it's called "free your mind" cut copy from the at&t outdoor stage. we've got a good line up for you
next week jennifer lopez will be here, eric stonestreet and jesse tyler ferguson will make a joint appearance, sandra oh will be here, as will robin roberts, elisabeth moss, tony hale, science bob pflugfelder will dazzle us with science, and we'll have music from franz ferdinand, sleepy man banjo boys, and boy george too. so please join us next week. and tell you something, i have had the honor of presenting our first guest with one of her two well- deserved emmy awards, and yet, do you know how many emmy award she has given me? not one. zero of them. her great show "modern family" airs wednesday nights at 9:00 here on abc, please say hello to julie bowen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
>> jimmy: you look great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: what a cute outfit you have on. >> thank you, apparent leap part of it is see-through. that's part of the fun. part of the fun. >> jimmy: give people a little thrill. >> it's late night. late at night. i have been on vacation, hiatus. sort of relaxed. >> jimmy: you have. what have you been up to, what have you been doing? >> it 'tis the religious season, you have to do all this eastery stuff. >> jimmy: did you do a big easter thing? >> i have taken a pass on my kids religious education. >> jimmy: good. >> good. good thinking. i thought that this was the right thing to do was kind of like, expose them to different things. >> jimmy: like what? >> so we, we ended up at a -- at a passover dinner wherein they described. a beautiful dinner. it was very meaningful. they talked about freeing the slaves and everything. my kids were into it. but then they brought out the ten plagues of egypt finger
puppets. >> jimmy: what? >> yeah, sure you have your cattle plague, lice, your beasts, your dead first born, i mean these are the, ha-ha. >> jimmy: you learned these? >> how can you not, a finger puppet. >> jimmy: is this at passover dinners. >> a finger puppet to help the kids remember the sad times. >> jimmy: did the kids enjoy this or no? >> their take away, so if you are jewish, you get fun finger puppets to talk about sad stuff? >> jimmy: i see. >> but we're not jewish, we are sort of -- we're kind of low protestant, real low. we' >> jimmy: christmas and easter. when we went to church we would resent those people that would come and fill up all the seats. >> i'm any so sorry.
when you are c & e, you sit up front and take the $100 out of your pocket. you want to make sure everyone. you have not given a slim nickel all year to the hat that is passed. everyone seeing it. it's big and shiny and bright. >> jimmy: ha-ha. >> came around to actual easter, i decided, equally punish my children with the story of jesus. i kept it real light. >> jimmy: how do you lighten that story up? >> they killed him. how did they put a bomb in his sandwich? that's three boys. no, he did not. he did not put a bomb in his sandwich. how did they do it? i'm like, ooh. any way they killed him. three days later he rose again, some people believe, some people don't believe, and he went to heaven, and my oldest kid goes, and became an easter bunny? but if you haven't filled in the
gaps or provided a foundation. that's it. >> jimmy: sound like it doesn't matter. sound like your kids are going to hell either way. >> any hell. that's it we're going to the ren fair. >> jimmy: the renaissance fair. >> we spent easter at the ren fair. i'm done. enough. >> jimmy: some place you go so frequent leap yly you shortened ren fair. so many times. >> this is my first ren fair. >> jimmy: and? >> fantastic. magical. i thought, i seeing, you have seen the billboard if you've live in los angeles. there is a gentleman who looks like he wants to do dirty things to do. with his, red rose at the pleasure fair. >> jimmy: the pleasure fair. >> they're like pleasure fair. >> jimmy: scary sophia. >> they would love her. they're all about, if you have two pieces of flesh on where on you that can meet. push them. just push them in.
including, by the way, if you are a post-menopausal gal who has not gotten, achieved her acting dream, you are a gypsy. and we let everything kind of go. you are a gypsy. i really enjoyed it. >> jimmy: for real? what was good about it? this is my nightmare. i went one time with my kids. >> you did? >> jimmy: i have not forgiven them. >> first, my mom, i dragged my kids. you get there and there are all these people who are like professional flutists or fire jugglers. they have all year and nowhere to go. this is their time to shine. >> jimmy: where else are you going to play the lute. >> my mother said there is a lid for every pot. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> yes, and the ren fair. boy is that a big lid. it really. >> jimmy: not even round. weird shape.
>> encompasses so many folks maybe their high school wasn't their best moment. but that's okay. at the ren fair, you are awesome. >> jimmy: did your husband like it? >> who? i love my husband. he was like have fun at the ren fair. we went, i took my children alone. >> jimmy: oh. >> and then they have jousting. as luck would have it. jousters are hot. >> jimmy: they are? >> yeah, i brought you a picture. so after, they have jousting 100 degrees, a bucket on their head, which i don't understand because, no one else has covered any part of their body. and you have one guy who looks like, like hot jared leto's italian cousin. so i hustle on over. to get myself a picture with handsome jesus or whatever his name is. there he is. >> jimmy: he is handsome.
>> look at me. i'm like, huh. and also wearing a garland, at the ren fair. the only problem later when i got home. my husband was looking through the pictures. happened to notice the next picture. you cropped our kids out? >> he chose not to come. i think you did the right thing. >> they're so small you. couldn't see his face. unless i got in there. my friend, get closer. get closer. fantastic. >> jimmy: sound like you met some nice people there. >> i really did. >> jimmy: you know, you guys, you had the very funny australia episode of the show. >> we did. we did. >> jimmy: i want to show something. i thought this was pretty great. this is rico, nolan from the show. >> the boy. i have three boys. >> on the beach in australia. >> what? >> observing the sights. then there they are.
>> they, these boys were, are so sweet and so good. i have children who are 7 and below. and they are like constantly. >> jimmy: the hell kids. >> hand in the pants. the name is hand in the pants. get your hand out of your pants. >> jimmy: last time you were here. we had a race around the block. i beat you in the race. the prize, your punishment was, i got to take over your twitter account@juliebowen for 24 hours. and i was able to write anything i wanted. >> still digging out of this hole. >> jimmy: i know. >> i still get i get who are you i'm a bilieber. >> jimmy: i have a plan to enrage your twitter fans and perhaps give you a chance to enrage mine as well. we call it the tweeter totter. when we come back, julie bowen
and i will get on it. we'll be right back with julie bowen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ souders ] photography... ♪ ...it's about capturing the moment. ♪ it's holding your breath... [ elephants grunting ] ...until something takes it out of you. ♪ it's performance without hesitation. which is exactly what you get... [ camera shutter clicks ] ...with a tablet powered by intel. ♪
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>> that is a really cute dress. it remind me something i gave you. do you put it in the girls' hand-me-downs. >> all the time. >> if my girls old clothes aren't to your taste. i can give them to somebody else. >> calm down, claire, your voice is getting to the pitch that disturbs our cat. >> julie bowen on modern family, wednesday nights here on abc. now, i am going to say this off
the bat. i feel like you have cheated in the contest. it hasn't begun yet. >> because i outweigh you? >> no, no, no. because what we are going to do here is we are going to trade off control of each other's twitter accounts. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: do it with the teeter-totter which we renamed tweeter-totter. but you have, i see you have tweeted already you are doing the show and something horrible. >> something horrible. i've don't want the bleibers coming after me again. >> jimmy: i dare those bleibers to crush julie bowen. dare them. >> tell something, beware, there could be something coming. that's all. >> jimmy: something is coming. dicky, monitor to make sure julie is tweeting this stuff. make sure i am tweeting it also. here we go. you want to get on. should we do it? >> i'm getting on. >> jimmy: you get on. >> i want to make sure, not that i am going to need it but that my tweeter.
>> jimmy: something like that. >> jimmy: i've wonder if we will have to bleep that sunny ha? i have no idea. we are on this thing. who ever its at the top. when the wheel stops. has to tweet what it says on the wheel. for example, you see what is on the wheel. i cry when i pee. >> true fact. true fact. >> jimmy: here we go. give the wheel a spin. >> i thought it was i pee when i cry. ready? >> totally ready. >> wait. >> hang on. >> jimmy: you got to put your feet around. have you ever been a child? >> but you are. okay. >> here we go. >> no. no. no. no. no. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. oh, julie is stranded up there. julie, what does it say? >> this seems rigged to work for you. >> you think so.
>> but a shadow of your former self. >> it seems, guillermo is this rigged for me? >> jimmy: not at all. julie, looks like you are at the top. >> okay. >> jimmy: you can go ahead and tweet. >> i am doing it. >> jimmy: what does the message say? >> read it out loud, guillermo. >> how do you know when you have herpes? asking for a friend. >> jimmy: there you go. send it! >> ah! >> jimmy: guillermo. roll it again. >> okay. go. go. guillermo. no cheating. >> all right. he carbo loaded to day. i haven't eaten. it's like -- move. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness.
>> how could that happen? >> jimmy: sorry. are you all right? >> are you? >> jimmy: a little bill. i am slightly injured. you know what that was, that's god punishing us for this. for what i am about to tweet to the pope. >> you are going to tweet that? >> oh, technically -- i think it is yours. >> jimmy: thank you, guillermo. thank you. >> the pope. i thought he was a football player, like plaxico. oh, my god. i had no idea. i really was like, it is a football player. i don't know. >> jimmy: not a football player at all. not a football player. >> at pontiffex. >> he might be able to soften up the jesus story in a way. i cannot.
this is the problem. he is not in my frequent users. there he is. pope francesco. what's yours -- >> jimmy: okay. >> i did it, guillermo. >> jimmy: spin it, guillermo. i will ftry to stay on this thing. i don't understand what happened to you? >> i slipped. my pants are very slippery. >> literally. >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: are you falling? >> guillermo. oh, yeah. that's right. >> i don't know how to make the shapes. >> this is going to be a terrible tragedy. right here. i don't even know how to do that.
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>> jimmy, how are you? >> jimmy: doing well. >> dude, thank you for having me on the show. haven't been here in years i think. >> jimmy: very good to see you. last i saw you at a comedy club in san francisco. i was literally crying i was laugh sowing haring so hard. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you have a new show. >> i want to stop you. haven't seen you in a while. you look good. a little something going on here. what's happening? >> i decided not to shave this week. >> a vacation beard, looks like pina colada, boogie board. >> jimmy: on vacation, decided not to shave. women are going crazy for it. >> they do. >> jimmy: well you know. you get it. >> ladies.
don't tease him. that is not a beard. that is a starter something, you know? and that can make a left turn to muttton chops, you know what i am saying. this is a beard right here. i'm at the crossroad right now. some where between duck dynasty and wizard. right here, that's a beard. that guy in the crowd over here, that dude, that's a beard. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah. >> that's a nice beard. >> jimmy: a history major. >> that guy looks like he is nice. like tee was trying to scalp tickets at a mumford and sons concert. this is a good beard the a bad beard. >> jimmy: you are not happy with your beard? >> when i was younger they would say i look like a terrorist, you know, you are laughing like you work at the airport too. okay. now that i am a little older and grape grayer, i look less like a terrorist, but more like the guy that send them on the mission.
>> jimmy: a promotion. you do a lot of uso type stuff. go out and entertain the military. >> i have. >> jimmy: how many times have you done that? >> i have been, guess you could say in theater, like, iraq, afghanistan, five times. >> jimmy: five times. off awe ye >> yeah, thank you. >> jimmy: that's great. [ applause ] awe thaw they've don't send you alone. you go on a tour. >> jimmy: get your friend together to do a comedy show. how does that work? >> it is weird. i look like every other guy over there. so it really doesn't. what happens is uso, an amazing organization, they put together a tour which is like you, know, fry to put a musician and an actress or model. a little something for everybody. so i think like the one tour that, like the biggest one i went on which was really amazing was me. billy ray cyrus and anna kornakova. that was crazy, like an episode of "fantasy island" back in the
day. >> jimmy: what does anna do? tennis? what does she do for the troops? >> what does she do? first she is an amazing person. she had just become a citizen. she wanted to go and give back to her country, america, by meeting the troops. that was great. she is super hot. and i will tell you this. because of the big part of the show. you do a little thing. bob hope banter thing. afterwards you sit and sign photos for the troops. and i swear to god. i have never seen more guys from, like, weird armies were showing up she is so hot. like "game of throne" countries were showing up to get a picture with anna. she is just amazing. >> jimmy: invited other armies into the fray. everybody was there, the lannisters. the beard guy is laughing. that was like, nerd candy right there. yes!
>> jimmy: comedy underground. a little different than your typical stand-up comedy show? >> absolutely. i think you know this. like i do. we live in very politically correct times. you rock out, you push the limit, and like this show kind of takes it to the next level of, you know, stand-up comedy. like let any face it. club comedy what i do suppose to be kind of raw, unfiltered, uncensored. comedy send tram pcentral put a together. i'm the host. it is uncensored. on television, they will bleep everything, tell you what to say. they do none of that to you. >> no robot noises, no bleeps, straight up dirty comedy. >> jimmy: put it on in the middle of the night. right end of "saturday night live." people can switch over as "saturday night live" is ending to watch you. >> or confuse us for the p 90 x commercial and get really pissed. talking fast like that.
>> jimmy: like a whole, you actually have a whole home made feel to the show. you didn't have the audience help you with the show? >> well, jimmy, i did a special "road work" really low budget. all in clubs. whuflt it was me and a crew, go club to club do my sets. i would give a camera to some one in the audience. get their perspective. did some of that, comedy underground. it was rough, but fun. added a dimension to the feel. >> jimmy: if you've, enjoy uncensored, union stri laviolat. this is really. great to see you. >> love to see you, dude, you look amazing. >> jimmy: i love the beard. don't let any body tell you any differently. >> jimmy: dave attell. "comedy underground with dave attell" airs saturday nights at one am on comedy central. and dave's special "road work" is now available for download. when we come back music from cut/copy.
>> jimmy: i'd like to thank julie bowen, dave attell, and apologize to matt damon and the pope, some people are very confused about the twechet. i have to say. "nightline" is next, but first, their album is called, "free your mind" here with the song "meet me in a house of love" cut/copy. ♪ ♪ don't shed your tears just meet me in a house of love you know when you're ♪ ♪ there cos the colours just soak you up once i was lost
but in this house ♪ ♪ i can be found feel like the sun we're rising and we won't come down ♪ ♪ into the night into forever let's come together like the brightest stars ♪ ♪ into the night into forever let's come together like the brightest stars ♪ ♪ it's cold in the street but we can build a house of love we hold up the walls ♪ ♪ the lovers in the yearning hearts once i was lost but in this house ♪
♪ i can be found feel like the sun we're rising and we won't come down ♪ ♪ into the night into forever let's come together like the brightest stars ♪ ♪ into the night into forever let's come together like the brightest stars ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm movin up now we built this house together inside the four walls we're gonna live together ♪
♪ this is "nightline" -- >> tonight -- confessions from brokers to the stars selling the dream of luxury living. >> what it feels like to live in the house. >> you will never believe their secrets to the art of the real estate power play. >> plus, pretty woman, an academy award was just the beginning. now lupita is "people" magazine's most beautiful woman. but life has not always been so picture perfect. ♪ who won the world >> who won the world? >>