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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 16, 2014 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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tomorrow morning. >> right now on jimmy kimmle, actor nathan lane. >> good night, everyone. >> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight nathan lane. author adam carolla. this week in unnecessary censorship. and music from royal blood. with cleto and the cletones. and now moving right long, here's jimmy kimmel!
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thank godzilla it's friday. i don't usually tell traditional jokes, i don't tell knock-knock jokes, i heard a really good one yesterday. you want to hear it? here goes. knock-knock. >> who's there? >> jimmy: pooh-pooh. >> pooh-pooh who? >> jimmy: pooh-pooh in the bathtub. my niece wrote it. she is 2 years old. and i tell you, the first, the first ten times, she told it it wasn't that funny. but the 11th time that's when it became hilarious. this is interesting. potentially helpful in an emergency situation. the fcc has just introduce aid new way to contact emergency services in certain states you
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can text 911. which its good, because it was such a pain calling 911. first you have to dial 9 and then 1, 1 again. it's like, uh. unfortunately, it if you texas them they won't necessarily fiend you. th -- find you. they don't have the technology to triangulate your location. uber does, the police don't. 911 text is a available in parts of 16 states now. should be accessible everywhere by the end of the year. you will be able to, either text them or instagram, a scared-faced selfie of yourself. doesn't sound like this will work. here's how a majority of conversations will go. help, there is a burger in my house. >> burger, sir this is an emergency line. >> sorry, auto correct. bugler coming up the stairs. >> would you look to make a noise complaint? >> i'm going to diet!
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>> try cutting carbs. >> you quietly perish with phone in hand. i wonder if 911 will respond to emojis. >> sad face, sad face, plane. >> speaking of sad faces, the clippers got knocked out of the nba playoffs last night. i know who could have ever guessed the clippers would lose? they lost game six to the thunder here in l.a. this is kind of interesting. jack nicholson, sitting courtside at lakers games for decade was there. which had to be a mistake, right, he got confused. look at him. he is like where is kobe? rihanna was also courtside at last night's game. just like she was at a nets' game a few weeks ago she attended sans brassiere, no bra. that attracted a lot of attention from perverts, like that one.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: weirdo. and tough season for the clippers. they're all tough seasons for the clippers. this one they had a lot to deal with. for the players it is like your parents are getting a divorce and daddy is sleeping with the weird rollerskate viser girl. and donald sterling isn't going to make this easy for any one. sterling's attorney sent a letter to the league, rejecting his lifetime ban. refusing to pay the $2.5 million fine they hit him with. in case you are keeping track. donald sterling is 0-80. making good decisions this year. in the letter, he said he did nothing wrong, and no punishment is warranted. and he threatened to sue if the sanctions aren't lifted. which will be quite a while. i am suing because you found out i am racist. even if he wins why would you want to own a team on which all of your players wish you were dead. he should pack those giant bags under his eyes and get the hell out of l.a. clear clear i will
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say this. things will be very different when oprah and i own that team. right, guillermo. >> guillermo: right. >> jimmy: you well be part of it too. >> guillermo: i hope so. >> jimmy: looking for something to do over the weeken, the godzilla movie came out. i heard it is good. i know he is a monster. i don't know how godzilla doesn't hurt himself. i once had to go to the emergency room stepping on a lego. of a milestone day in tv history, this morning the great barbara walters ended the 53-year career in broadcasting, co-hosted "the view" for the last time. her final guests were larry the cable guy, and steven segal. visits from oprah, katie couric, diane sawyer, every important woman in broadcasting, kathie lee and hoda put down their 64 ounce wine cooler slurpee to pay tribute to barbara, retiring at age 84. which you see that is the kind of poor work ethic that has the
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the country lagging behind the chinese. and today was barbara walter's day in the city of new york. unfortunately some festivities they had planned had to be canceled on the count of w-rain. as if getting your own day isn't enough of an honor. a woman in new orleans gave barbara walters what i believe the ultimate commrimenpliment. >> her body is tattooed with a dragon, piranha, and lizard now adding a queen bee. barbara walters. >> the first woman to get a barbara walters tattoo. i got barbara walters, who has got barbara walters? nobody. no one has a dragon, pier rranh
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lizard. i was in new york stopped by to wish barbara well. before i went i shot a video here in hollywood. the other co-hosts surprised barbara. they said there is some body special maintaining her star on the hollywood walk of fame a. cross the street from us. then they showed the video. see that is the person maintaining the star, keeping it clean on the walk of fame. well you will see in a second here. hey, barbara. i'm washing you good. washing you real good. >> now, i thought it was obvious that -- that i had a body double there. but a lot of people watching "the view" it was not obvious to them. these are some of many real tweets i got. did you see jimmy kimmel's arms, he always has on suits. you don't realize how cut up he was. feeling uncomfortably attracted to jimmy kimmel.
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#arms, #gunshow, #theview. jimmy kimmel and barbara walters are together on the view, awesome muscles, yum. i didn't think jimmy kimmel was super hot until i saw him scrubbing barbara's star with huge arms of his. lol, #swoon. has any one ever written #swoon about you before. >> guillermo: no, never. >> jimmy: they didn't really write it about me either, i guess. you know what? my body is no surprise to the other women in my zumba class. anyway, i would look to wish a happy retirement, semiretirement whichever to barbara. i heard she is headed going straight to jamaica to get her groove back. and they should make her the next bachelorette. we have a new season premiering monday night. they're saying this could be the third or fourth most dramatic season yet. the roses have been picked.
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the hot tub has been sterilized with industrial cleaning fluid, the new bachelorette is a 26-year-old, assistant district attorney, andi dorfman. looking for a husband wants to get rid of the last name dorfman. one of the women competing for, the bachelor's heart. and andi's sincerity and openness make her a great bachelorette and her ability to ignore the camera crew watching her makeout in a tree house. the guys they recruit to be on the show, they always have odd sounding jobs. one of the contestants is a helicopter pie lot. which is convenient. once he gets kicked all. they can hire her to fly around on one-on-one dates. an opera singer, farmer, snow board product developer, and one guy his name is jj describes himself as a pantsepreneur, some
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one that has bad taste in pants. those that thought it was smoke in the air, wrong. it was love. a 33-year-old woman from phoenix, megan leatherman, just gave birth to a baby girl. not the unbelievable part. that happens a lot. the strange part is, megan is a weight lifter, and with permission of her doctor she kept up her full weight lifting routine all throughout her pregnancy right up, right of until the delivery. look at this. >> 33-year-old megan is a cross fit. weight lifting, gymnastics and cardio. being pregnant isn't going to stop her grueling regime. despite the controversy surrounding exercise in late pregnancy and concern from her husband, chad.
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>> jimmy: it's a litter. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i know. i know. we have a good show tonight. we have music from royal blood. you'll look them. and nathan lane is here for the first time. my old friend, adam carolla is here. making his 45th appearance. i have not even been on the show 45 times. i will say something, after 45 times we have nothing left to talk about. we are going to stare at each other for 11 minutes like an old married couple at a soup plantation. his book, third book, which is officially the most books ever written by someone who has never read a book. it's called "president me." about what adam would do if he were commander-in-chief of the united states. which he probably will be, right? eventually? by the way, president obama and
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vice president biden just disclosed their financial assets. this is something high-level federal officials are required to do to make sure they don't have conflicts of interest. they do it every year. surprising, last year, president obama made $400,000 salary. feels weird to me that the president makes less than, honey boone boo-boo. he does. the form they have to fill out. lets you put a range of value on the assets. president obama said his assets are worth between $1.95 and $7.5 million. quite a range. like going to a weight watchers meeting and admitting to eating between 2 and 12 slices of pizza for dinner. you weigh between 150 and 600 pound. obama's listed, they had one liability, the mortgage on their home in chicago. vice president biden had two, his mortgage and public speaking. and one more thing, another week has come to a close which means
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it is time for the weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. this week in unnecessary censorship. [ cheers and applause ] >> to apologize and to ask for forgiveness for all of the people that i [ bleep ] and i [ bleep ] so many people. so many innocent people. >> do you [ bleep ] your husband? >> do i [ bleep ] or do i love him? i don't [ bleep ] him. >> [ bleep ] is king. when you talk about sex you thing there is a come of horny people. that's not the point. it's called intimacy. [ bleep ], [ bleep ], gives me a hug. >> qualified you and you, you can't do that, can you? >> yes, i can. >> it's great. that's his wife. i don't have a problem with seeing him [ bleep ] his boyfriend on television. >> i'm neel, i don't have a problem [ bleep ].
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>> what do you say, steven? >> [ bleep ]. >>. [ indiscernible ] >> hello, there young, people. >> so you like [ bleep ] butts, do you? let me show you, old man. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have music from royal blood. and we'll be right back with nathan lane. you have three questions. coffee or espresso? oh, coffee please. ♪ is this coffee? it's nespresso vertuoline. how do they make this froth? it's coffee crema. last question. ♪ may i have another cup please?
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program his new book is called "president me: the america that's in my head" our friend adam carolla is here. and then music from a pair of british gentlemen who play their instruments very well and very loudly their ep is called "out of the black" royal blood making their network television debut from the at&t stage. royal blood will be doing a free in-store performance at origami vinyl tomorrow here in la. we've got a fun line up for you next week adam sandler will be here, johnny knoxville will join
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us, as will george stephanopoulos, magic johnson, elle fanning, the bachelorette andi dorfman, from "silicon valley" tj miller, dave salmoni will be here with wild animals, and we'll have music from lykke li, little dragon, charles bradley, timeflies, and much, much more. actually not that much more but that's enough our first guest tonight is one of those people who is so ridiculously good at everything he does you want inject his dna into your children. you know him from his work in "the lion king," "the birdcage," "the producers" and now, "modern family" the season finale of which airs wednesday night here on abc. please welcome nathan lane.
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>> how are you? i'm good, jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: we met at a party seven or eight years ago. i felt like we hit it off. i really did. >> we did. >> jimmy: we talked for a very long time. >> we did. a very glamorous hampton's party. we discussed our mutual obsession with "lost" and why two grown men were addicted to a metaphysical soap opera set on a desert island. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was one of those fancy affairs where, the staff, is better looking than the guests. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, the waiters. >> yeah, like an abercrombie & fitch catalog came to life, the caterers. i always feel a certain all. shame, asking extremely pretty people to bring you things. food and drinks. if you didn't eat and drink so brushed.u too could look air no, you never will, you will remain on the island of misfit
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toys for all of eternity, chubby boy. so maybe, i am reading too much into that. >> jimmy: i think you were. >> maybe they were thinking of the complicated plot of lost. underneath we are all the same. why can't donald srling understand that? >> i don't know. have you been following that situation? donald sterling. >> what's to follow, he is an idiot. that pretty much sum sz it up. he should be quiet now. >> you'll be on the list of people that he sues. i am glad to have you here, i really am. >> i'm thrilled to be here, in the same chair that toronto mayor rob ford. >> yes, yes. >> profusely sweated in. i assume you had this febreezed? you are to be congratulated. i am actually nervous being here. >> jimmy: are you really? >> this is my first time. you have been gentle so far. so, thank you.
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>> jimmy: would it help itch i pet you during the interview. >> ak shactually it wouldn't. you are very nice. a very nice man. you are to be congratulated. because without you i don't think he would be in rehab today. you pushed him in the right direction? >> jimmy: my words had something to do with it? >> there was the second video, smoking crack, justin bieber ran into him. and you know you hit rock bottom. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: maybe justin bieber finally did something good. >> there he was smoking crack in his sister's basement. the difference between canadian and american politicians. when american politicians they deny it exists and it's climate change. the problem, rob ford suffers from asthma, tough, because he keeps lighting the inhaler.
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[ drum roll ] >> what's going on over there? >> now i feel at home. >> jimmy: by the way, i found out today i was studying you as i do time to time when we have guests on. i did not realize you worked as a stand up comic at one point. >> yeah, well, you know, very briefly. you know for like, when i was a young struggling actor in the late '70s, '80s. dabbled with stand-up, and a partner, patrick stack, very funny man. he was another struggling actor. we put this act together. and then we were signed by william morris, came out here did a show at the comedy store. then started to open for people. rock acts and concerts. and then eddie rabbit. >> jimmy: excellent. >> country western star. "i love the lonely night. ♪
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"i love the rainy night." you didn't stick around. >> don't think we were, appropriate, opened in petaluma, home of the wrist wrestling championships. you didn't get any billing. they would say before eddie rabbit, ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy the comedy stylings of stack and lane. we talked out. there was a low rumbling like in a gladiator film. we walked out. sea of cowboy hats and marijuana smoke wafting, all kind of drugs there for eddie, then we were sort of doing sketch material. we were like, doing nichols and bay, not as brilliant. we started. did a few opening jokes. started with the sketch. we take you to a bar in manhattan. then they started to freak out when we said manhattan. screaming. started chanting. eddie. edd eddie. eddie. give us the rabbits. so the local d.j. and host of the event came out like the high
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school principal and said. listen, these guys came all the way from new york city off to entertain you. the least you could do is shut up and listen. so be quiet. and then he left. for 30 minutes we played to total silence. >> jimmy: you love a lonely night. nathan lane is here. season finale of "modern family." we'll hang out and be right back. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] only verizon unites the two by providing in-car cameras that live stream each race. even though there's only room for one in the cockpit, a driver is never alone. because through our technology, every fan can see what drivers see. so with the indycar 14 app, you join the race at 200 miles per hour. verizon and indycar. driving technology.
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>> i don't think you realize how close you are to actual flames. >> hello. big supporter of yours. have all of your calendars. >> we waited ten years. can we have an hour. >> i'll give you 30 minutes. >> the wedding will go on.
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claire up front. flower girls. grooms come with me. ooh, ah, look so handsome. quartet. quartet. and start after. >> oh, god, no. >> we're all making sacrifices here. i have a prius full of monarch butterflies that are apparently coming home with me. >> jimmy: nathan lane. season finale wednesday night. your character, pepper, we didn't know pepper was a wedding planner. >> not me, i didn't either. yes, we found out that he is an event planner. in charge of the wedding. and the writers have done a tremendous job. >> jimmy: the show is great and solid after how many years? >> five years. five years. >> jimmy: you got an emmy nomination. >> emmy nominated for pepper. >> jimmy: possible if they made a spin-off? >> dash of pepper. people have projected that. i think pepper is more
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unfortunate a spice than the main ingredient. we would have to be re-thought to be an essential character. i read an article is pepper too gay to have his own show? has any one ever said has anyone ever been too straight. i've mean you wreak of testosterone. but you know, the notion of being too gay, as if, where on the richard simmons richter scale does the needle have to hit to have the bell go off to say "sorry, too gay, no show for you?" it remind me of mel brooks, actually. when we were doing "the producers" and he, immersed in musical theater again. he was, out of the blue he said to me one day. you know i will tell you something, nathan. i am about, 18, 19, 20% game.
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80% straight. 20% gay. wait, wait, 15%, 15% gay. no less. he wanted to be clear about that. so he is just gay enough. >> jimmy: just a little. >> little bit of gay in him. >> a hint of gay. it helps. i said that's what gives you your sophistication, wit and sense of irony. >> jimmy: i have had mel on the show. must have been so great to hang out with him every day. >> one of my heroes. to be able to do that with him was one of the greatest times in my life in the theater. >> jimmy: he is always fooling around it seems like? >> yes. and you know, that was just a joyous time. but i, you know when he was young, like a writer on the sid caesar show, more rambunctious and outrageous. >> jimmy: really? how so? >> i remember neil simon telling me one day they were walking down the street. he saw three nuns walking towards them. he got nervous mel was going to say something.
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hoping he would ignore them. as they went by, mel turned by and said, girls, you are out of the sketch. but, there was a wonderful, performer, howard morris. nderful guy. supposedly, a very gentle soul. he and mel became friend. and they would have lunch very often. one day they went to central park and they had their sandwiches and went out on the boat on to the lake, you know, they were talking about life and art and their futures and their families. and mel pulled out a gun. and said give me your wallet. and howard morris was flabbergasted. he said give me your wallet! and give me the watch too! you know, it was a toy gun. but very realrealistic. in a panic. he gave him everything he had. and mel was rowing back. you tell anybody about this, i will kill you. and three weeks went by.
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he returned everything to howie. he said, you are so vulnerable. i wanted to see if i could rob you. and -- and -- and so howie was like, thank god. i thought you were crazy. i was too afraid to tell any body. a week later they were going to lunch. he pushed him in an alley and said, give me your wallet. he did it again. he robbed him twice. >> jimmy: ha-ha. the season finale of "modern family" on wednesday night, 8:00, here ons ab abc. nathan lane, everybody. we'll be right back! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] sometimes for small audiences. sometimes for a full house. we perform solos, improvs,
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next week on "jimmy kimmel live," adam sandler, george stephanopoulos, magic johnson, andi dorfman, and music from charles bradley, time flies, lykkei, and little dragon.
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>> jimmy: our next guest has risen from the ashes of radio to conquer the worlds of publishing, podcasting and bootlegging too -- he makes alcohol mangria -- and his new book is called "president me the america that's in my head" please say hello to adam carolla. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> these are for me? >> for our 20 year anniversary, jimmy. >> jimmy: it is our 20-year anniversary, isn't it? >> when i met jimmy i was about to turn 30. swinging a hammer for a living. i was doing nothing. he took me from obscurity and made me into the international superstar i am. i am forever grateful for that. >> jimmy: i feel bad. i will give you sex later. >> or i will give it to you. you snow if you have to make a choice. >> jimmy: i wonder what percent, if mel brooks is 15%. >> percent gay? well i had football coaches that would say you have to give 110%. i would always think that is not
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mathematically possible. in this case. >> jimmy: give it a shot either way. happy anniversary to you. >> thank you. prescription y >> jimmy: it's been 20 years. 30 when we met. you have a big birthday coming up. 50th birthday. >> i am going to turn 50. my kids are going to turn 8 in a couple weeks. i am delighted. >> jimmy: twins. >> twins, that is right. i never say which one of them i like more. so it keeps it cool. so -- >> jimmy: very wise. parent. >> right. never find out exactly what is going on. my son is taken up a sport -- i was hoping he could have started playing football or maybe, moving into the octagon or something, really, get daddy's adrenaline going. he has taken up long-distance running. has any one ever watched a
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7-year-old. all they do is run. sanctioned official running in a circle. takes place early saturday mornings in places far away. he is going 1,500 meters i you want to watch a 7-year-old run all you have to do is say put on your jammies. and you hashall see, the 7-year-old run. >> jimmy: is it possible he is training to get away from you. >> doing a poor job. he is going in a circle. i am driving him to the place. he runs in a circle. medium jog. and i stand there and every 20 minutes he comes around within ear shot. i yell, go! and then he goes by. again. it's horrific. painful to watch. he is doing it again tomorrow. and, not only is, it is crazy, participation trophy. everyone gets everything. there are six podium spots. number one is this high.
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number two, come in second place. third, sixth place. they actually dig a hole. and but there is no podium. as god is my witness, last saturday my son comes in third place. he is on the podium with nine other people. he has taken third place. the two kids that took first and second place are, are you sitting down, african-americans. i don't want to shock you. two kids are 7-year-olds, take first place do the fist, mexico city, 1968 fist. i don't know. hard to tell what kids know because of the internet. they do the fist. my son climbs up on the podium in third place. up comes the fist. i'm not lying. >> jimmy: you brought a picture of this. i was wondering what this was. there he is. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> he was explaining to me on the ride home that he didn't land on plymouth rock. plymouth rock landed on him. >> jimmy: in your new book, you imagine a world or nation in which you are the commander-in-chief. which you are in charge of the country. i would start with health care. costs are out of control whuc, s going to spend the money. take care of us as we get older. straight forward idea for urgent care, health care. all of the equipment in the hospital, especially, ventilators, all the stuff grandpa is hooked up to. coin operated. do your loved ones really love you? we are going to find out. we are going to find out. okay. hang on! i want to say this!
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this is one of the things that is going to take care of itself. if you don't have enough friends, enough loved ones, enough, enough family members that really care enough to bring a pillowcase full of nickels to the hospital. every time they visit. do you want to return to a world where they wouldn't pitch in, so to speak. i'm taking obama slogan, putting a twist on it, the hope and change thing. you better hope they have change. [ cheers and applause ] you will like this one especially. i think we are getting a little careless. speaking of health care. people driving. it's not dangerous anymore. >> drive around. >> if the car has 75 airbags, crumble zones. and texting. falling asleep. talking on the phone. we are not paying attention while we are driving anymore. because we feel safe.
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we are too safe, too secure. and prussian helmet points on their steering wheel. no half valve. you had to pay attention back then. we are too safe. not paying attention any more. that's why under my administration -- every tenth car out of the factory, the airbag will be filled with moose semen. just every tenth. every tent. 10:00 and 2:00 on a swivel. you go. you will not want to make. every tenenth. i'm not a maniac. not every car. >> we're not telling you which one. the silent whole week. i guarantee you this. accidents will go down. >> jimmy: and the moose too. >> some one still has to make the moose outfit. have you -- have you appointed a
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cabinet. will you do it by yourself. and have a team. >> i would be part of this. >> obviously, lower level stuff. >> what would my role be? >> i had you as the head -- >> frustration. i had -- i had an idea about weddings and dresses. >> this happened to me. guys, you know how this works. getting married. she is picking out the wedding dress. it is $3500. you know you will never wear it again. she does this the thing. insane logic. our daughter will wear it one day. it will get worn twice for that. $4,000 slacks. uh-uh, i am going to wear them
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twice. i always say to that argument. why aren't you wearing your mom's [ bleep ] dress? your mom, for your dad, 33 years ago. simple. got to stop all the arguments. lady, you have $1,000 to spend on a wedding dress. itch you would look to spend more, for each $100 after that, you have to fit into the dress nor one year. you want to spend $2,000. that is a decade. year to year thing with the dress. >> jimmy: seems bulking up for the wedding. so, exact opposite. prescription you have interesting idea, this is the book! "president me." adam carolla. we'll be right back with royal blood.
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things on purpose? youe not a color found nature. there's nothing wrong with tha. i can hear your arteries clogging. ok. no. this is tap water. i can't let you buy this. oh. crystal geyser please. crystal geyser. bottled at the mountain source.
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surprise!lcome back. crystal geyser alpine spring water. crystal geyser. crystal geyser. news flash, it's bottled at the source. news flash, we sell it in cases. oh. thank you. oh no no no. crystal geyser. bottled right at the mountain source.
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>> jimmy: i'd like to thank nathan lane, adam carolla, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. he will be rescheduled. "nightline" is next, but first, with the title track from their ep "out of the black" royal blood. ♪ how did it feel when it came alive and took you out of the black ♪ ♪ it broke your skin and shook through
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every part of me every part of you ♪ ♪ you made a fool out of me and took the skin off my back running so don't breathe ♪ ♪ when i talk cos you haven't been spoken to i've got a gun ♪ ♪ for a mouth and a bullet with your name on it but a trigger ♪ ♪ for a heart beating blood from an empty pocket i never knew why and you didn't care when ♪
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♪ it closed every door and washed away no sin and i promised you like you promised me ♪ ♪ but those vows we made it up for free you made a fool out of me and took ♪ ♪ the skin off my back running so don't breathe when i talk ♪ ♪ cos you haven't been spoken to i've got a gun for a mouth ♪ ♪ and a bullet with your name on it but a trigger for a heart bleeding blood ♪ ♪ from an empty pocket you made a fool out of me and took the skin off my back running ♪
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♪ so don't breathe when i talk cos you haven't been spoken to ♪ ♪ i've got a gun for a mouth and a bullet with your name on it ♪ ♪ but a trigger for a heart bleeding blood from an empty pocket and it tortures slow ♪ ♪ never let's you go deals a crooked hand ♪
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this is "nightline" -- >> tonight a 30-day diet that could change your life? >> this woman lost 50 pound. you better be ready to say no. >> no extra stuff. no sugar. no preservatives. >> could you say yes to the whole 30 diet? plus, floating your problems away. we head into a tank to see if resting in water can really alter your mental state. with the extreme escape, just get inside. >> from the intense -- to the infamous -- barbara walters' latest exclusive, a fabulous farewell


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