tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 15, 2014 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! [ cheers and applause ] tonight, mickey rourke. jordana brewster. "this week in unnecessary censorship." and music from banks. with cleto and the cletones. and now, if the coast is clear, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, everybody. that's very nice. welcome. [ cheers and applause ] hi, there. i'm jimmy.
i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] glad we could be here for each other. well, welcome to those of you who are visiting us from far away. we're going to have a good time in beautiful los angeles, which just has been named the 16 coolest city in america by "forbes" magazine. we finally tied san jose. [ laughter ] which is okay, i guess. you know what city "forbes" says is the coolest? the number one coolest city in america is washington, d.c. [ cheers and applause ] how did that happen? did obama start smoking again? [ laughter ] "forbes" bases these rankings on factors like how many entertainment options a city has. somehow washington, d.c. came out on top. that makes sense. wean joe biden and john boehner alone, it's like a nonstop burning man festival over there. but the worst thing is, we got beaten by riverside. riverside, for those of you not
familiar with the local area, is a rest area between here and palm springs. [ laughter ] they finished eighth. how do we finish eight places behind riverside. i don't believe they have a river in riverside. we have snoop dogg. we have jack nicholson. we have a mansion in which an 85-year-old man has orgies with young, blonde women in bunny ears. [ cheers and applause ] riverside. they have a playless shoe store in riverside. i like that "forbes" magazine is deciding which city is the coolest. that's like "good housekeeping" naming the snowboarder of the year. [ laughter ] there were very few adult films being made in l.a. right now. we farm them out to india. l.a. used to be the adult film capital of the world. which filled us with pride/shame. but voters approved a measure that requires adult film actors to wear condoms. the men only. [ laughter ] this is the sort of thing we
vote on here in l.a. why we bothered with this, i don't know. but apparently no one wants to see safe-sex porno movies. the production companies packed up and left town. production is down 90% from where it was. it's almost impossible to find a man with a ponytail around here anymore. [ laughter ] things have gotten so bad, some of the porn stars have actually had to get part-time jobs as real pool men and pizza delivery guys. it's very sad. so, the adult film industry is fighting this. they filed a lawsuit in federal court. and the judges, real judges, are expected to rule later this year after they finish reviewing the evidence. so, that could be a while. [ laughter ] meanwhile, there's a show on pbs called "sex in the wild." this is from last night's episode. wait until the l.a. city council gets alode of this. >> this what they use. the penis is completely flexible that can penetrate in any position. we have a favorite position,
because the humongous penis is completely flexible. it's probably the most amazing penis in the animal world. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: as they say -- [ cheers and applause ] are you ready for shark week? shark week starts on sunday. [ cheers and applause ] primarily designed to make young boys too scared to go in the ocean. but believe it or not, the 27th year that discovery channel's been doing shark week. it makes you wonder how they keep coming up with shows for it. it's not like sharks are doing new stuff. they're doing the same things they always did. it's difficult to fill a full week with shark-related programming. discovery tries to pad it with whatever they can. they shot one of their new specials at our show, while our employees were gathered around the snack table upstairs.
that's skip. he's our head of security over here. and if you have a spork in hand, may god help you. [ laughter ] this is fun. kim jong-un for those of you who don't know, is the leader of north korea. he's not often seen in public. but this week, he made a rare appearance at a factory. you see here, he is at -- they have the worst fro-yo in north korea. that's lubricant. he's at a lubricant factory. they're used in cars and trucks and vehicles that nobody in north korea has. they used to have to import it. now they're manufacturing it themselves. look how happy he is about that. especially compared to the guy next to him. i like the caption that nbc put underneath the photo. circle that. kim jong-un amused. [ laughter ] he is amused or is he -- would it be kim jong-un unamused.
or do the uns cancel each other out? it's a real puzzle. i don't know the answer. this was a posthumous passion project, started by his father, who was a champion of lubricant independence for his nation. he loved lube. kim jong-un stopped by to look at a facility that manufactures stockings and socks. look at the guy -- they look so terrified. he's examining a pair of pantyhose like he's never put them on before. this one is good, too. here's kim jong-un inspecting a wall of socks. north korea goes through a lot of socks because people keep trying to eat them there. oh. that was a joke. they don't really. [ laughter ] just to recap, socks, stockings and lube. sounds like dennis rodman is in for a very romantic weekend. [ cheers and applause ] speaking of -- speaking of crazy
basketball players, this could turn out to be my favorite news story of the year. metta world peace of the nba, announced he is changing his name again. he used to be ron artest. next year, he's moving to china to play for the chinese basketball association. when he does, he's changing his name to -- are you ready? the panda's friend. [ laughter ] he wants to be known as the panda's friend. [ cheers and applause ] the guy must spend half his life online at the dmv getting everything changed. but news of this name change spread quickly online. a lot of people were getting it wrong. they were calling him panda friend. so, he tweeted this correction. he said, guys, my chinese name is not panda friend. it's the panda's friend. [ laughter ] idiots. [ laughter ] from now on, he'll be known as the panda's friend. i feel like he didn't give metta world peace a chance.
[ laughter ] those of you who live here in los angeles are -- any of the big cities, really, are no doubt familiar with uberts. a car comes to your home. it's a very popular service. and now, uber is adding a lower-cost option. car pooling. they call it uber pool. it lets you share a car with strangers who are traveling to the same general area you are, which i think -- isn't that called the bus? [ laughter ] but i'm sure it will be popular, uber pool because -- finally, a simple and convenient way to bring strangers directly to your home. [ laughter ] i had an idea. what they ought to do. they should find a way to combine tinder and uber. you can car pool with singles in your area. [ laughter ] i'm one meeting away with an app designer from becoming a billionaire, folks. remember "the reading rainbow" the show on pbs? it was very popular for like 20 years.
it taught kids about literacy. about two years ago, lavar burton launched a "reading rainbow" app. he wanted to make it available to classrooms for free. he turned to kickstarter. he was hoping to raise $1 million for the project. he ended up raising $5 million for the project. the outpouring was remarkable. now that he has an app, lavar is setting his sights on another form of web-based communication. ♪ ♪ little bird in the sky i can go twice as high ♪ ♪ it's time to read what's in my feed ♪ ♪ a tweeting rainbow i can tweet anything ♪ ♪ what's in my feed tweeting rainbow ♪ ♪ tweeting rainbow >> hi. and welcome to "tweeting rainbow." a tweet is a passport into
someone is thinking or feeling at any given moment. would you guys like to hear some tweets? >> yeah. >> here's a tweet by @mariolopezextra. you know who he is? he has that show on tv. "extra." "extra." "extra." right? anyway. @mariolopezextra writes, woke up with a huge zit in the middle of my forehead. looked like a unicorn, the kind that hurt, too. why am i dealing with this at 40? a zit that makes you look like a unicorn. wow. you know, sometimes a tweet is so incredible that you want the whole world to know just how incredible it is. that's called a retweet. can you say retweet? >> retweet. >> retweet. here's a tweet from @snoopdogg.
put your face in the mayo. why would you put your face in the mayo? >> maybe it tastes good. >> maybe it tastes good. do you know why you would put your face in the mayo, cameron? >> because it's so smelly? >> because it's so smelly. why do you think @snoopdogg would want to put your face in the mayo? >> you can go blind. >> so you can go blind. what do you say we go on a video field trip on how a tweet gets made. >> yeah. >> okay. here's how it works. first, you get a thought. then, you type it. and tweet it. and that's how a tweet is made. wow. that was the best video field trip ever. but you don't have to take my word for it. tweet how you feel. >> i'm hungry. >> tweet it. >> my butt itches. >> tweet it. >> i wish nap time would be forever.
>> that's my favorite thing i've heard all day. i'm going to give you a favorite. [ laughter ] well, y'all, my phone's about to run out of power. so, that's all we have time for today. join us next time when i start a twitter feud with @kanyewest. see you next time. ♪ tweeting rainbow [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, lavar burton. and one more thing. it is thursday night. it's time for our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm here to [ bleep ] these guys in any way possible. [ bleep ] the coaching staff. >> i have 2 1/2 years left. and i want to squeeze every, single [ bleep ]. that's a [ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ]? >> no. >> [ bleep ]? >> never. [ laughter ] >> every man on this team
[ bleep ] another man. you [ bleep ] somebody's ass and make the play. >> sometimes i want to take the [ bleep ]. >> i wasn't willing to ask anybody to smell my [ bleep ]. >> nice to meet you. i wish i would have [ bleep ] when i was fat. >> most people ask, are you [ bleep ], followed by how long were you able to [ bleep ]? >> i think [ bleep ]. >> your secret hobby. >> oh, my god. i am so good at [ bleep ]. >> i'm not prepared to take a [ bleep ] in the [ bleep ] today. >> i only [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. >> two [ bleep ]. or two [ bleep ]. >> you are the one so full of anger. a ninja must -- >> a ninja must [ bleep ] his own [ bleep ]. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the show from "dallas," jordana brewster is here. we have music from banks and we'll be right back with mickey rourke. so, stick around. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: hey there. tonight on the show from "dallas" on tnt, jordana brewster will join us. and later, a very talented young woman from right here in l.a. her new album, "goddess." it comes out september 9th, banks from the at&t outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, i was talking to guillermo during the commercial break. and tell everybody what you're going to be doing next week. >> guillermo: next week, i have to go to jury duty. >> jimmy: i just like to hear you say jury duty. that was howdy doody's wife. jury duty. [ laughter ] our first guest is the most physically intimidating golden globe-winning actor this side of natalie portman. he has been in many great movies including "diner," "the wrestler" and "the pope of greenwich village." next up, you can see him play a psychopath named marv in "sin city: a dame to kill for." it opens in theaters august 22nd. please welcome mickey rourke. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]
how are you? >> how are you? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. you look lean and mean right now. i've seen you bulky muscular. now, you are lean and muscular. >> fat and lazy. >> jimmy: not fat. i wouldn't describe you as fat. of course, i don't describe myself as fat. you look good. what kind of exercise do you do? >> a lot of steroids. >> jimmy: do you? i hear those are great. >> i'll never play third base for the yankees. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what are you? like bench pressing your chihuahuas? what's going on? how are the chihuahuas? are they well? >> i lost a litter. i lost like eight. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> they live to be 17, 16, 18. >> jimmy: i'm glad i brought that up.
>> i lost eight in six years. over a six-year period. >> jimmy: that's a very long time for a chihuahua to live. >> 18 1/2 is -- they live -- i was a shepherd guy. they -- the hips start to go about, you know, 9, 10, 11. and i just got tired of losing them so quickly. so, i switched over. >> jimmy: what a lovely note i started this interview on, dog death. >> well, right. >> jimmy: not only are you a tough guy. but you hang around with tough guys, too. yes? am i correct in saying that? >> talking about that crowd. >> jimmy: yeah. why do you think that is that you hang around with other tough guys? >> so i don't have to fight when we go out drinking. [ laughter ] i'm standing there with michael, it's like, you know. >> jimmy: a cage fighter, right? >> yeah. and now, he's doing a lot of acting. and he would have made a great james bond. tough as [ bleep ].
one cauliflowered ear. he is handsome and quick-witted. i love it. he'll be on his 12th drink. [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: nobody's -- >> nobody's going to [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: people do that weird thing when they know you're a tough guy. they know -- >> they'll nudge you at the bar. and if you give somebody a left hook, it's -- $500,000. >> jimmy: right. that's what they're going for nowadays? >> it's about $200,000. >> jimmy: do you ever think -- it is worth it. >> well, i had a scumbag lawyer, with who we would also charge a $100,000 on top. >> jimmy: excellent. >> i got rid of him. >> jimmy: if you hit your lawyer, is that covered under attorney/client privilege? >> i don't know. he has three ferraris. i don't have any. >> jimmy: i'll bet you can take some of them from him if you wanted to. do you live here in l.a.?
>> i came out 2 1/2 years ago to train for a rugby movie. i've been writing for 4 1/2 years about the -- i based it on -- there's a whole bunch of different athletes that have come out in the last three or four years. >> jimmy: right. >> i didn't want to do a boxing movie. and i didn't -- you know. i can't play basketball. i don't dribble very well. >> jimmy: so, rugby. >> rugby seemed to be the sport. we settled on that. so, it's taken about three years of steady training because i went into the locker room. and i was looking at these guys. i never saw such physical specimens as these guys are. at halftime, there were four guys getting stitched up. one guy about 25, he was eating a ham sandwich. and the doctor says, can you sit still? and he's looking at him like the doctor was nuts. he does it every day. half of them had no teeth. well, i don't have my front
teeth, either. this will be great. there's a scene when i'm in a bathtub with another guy. and i have the teeth on the bathtub -- >> jimmy: that makes sense, yeah. there are some advantages to not having teeth. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it seems like -- you're talking about having run-ins with these guys. it seems like you handle the paparazzi very well. and i have some evidence of that. >> i'm not going to look. >> jimmy: no. i'm serious. >> what's going on? >> real quick. >> have to get an ice cream cone. >> i'll get you ice cream, man. all right. can i ask you quick?
>> hey, are you going to be here for a minute if i do that for you? >> yes. all right. >> jimmy: you got an ice cream cone. >> yeah. [ applause ] >> they don't really -- i mean. i don't let them bother me. >> jimmy: yeah. >> there's only one way they used to bother me. and you know, when you sneak around. >> jimmy: you're sneaking around. >> i whispered that to you. yeah. >> jimmy: you know, well -- you sneaking around or them? >> i was talking about you. >> jimmy: me sneaking around. where am i sneaking around? >> i heard things. >> jimmy: did you hear something? >> i heard some stuff. >> jimmy: that's bad news for me. you did -- you did get an ice cream cone. >> i got a pistachio ice cream cone. >> jimmy: people bring you gifts and you will speak freely to them. >> i will say whatever they want me to. >> jimmy: when we come back, you'll see mickey rourke in "sin city: a dame to kill for." we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
get complete protection. because the best moments in life aren't experienced from the sidelines. now there's nothing holding you back. this is nexium level protection™. the #1 prescribed acid-blocking brand now without a prescription for frequent heartburn. get complete protection. nexium level protection™, now available at walgreens. get complete protection. okayyy you know how you have been teaching your son to share? well, he must have listened... because he is about to take that awkward photo from freshman year and share it with the entire company. woah. woah. woah. umm... let's not do that. here you go. [sighs] introducting kid's mode on the family-friendly samsung galaxy s5. double your trade-in to get up to $200 on any working smartphone.
that's why we get right to work, every morning. preparing 'em fresh, right in store. only thing better than creating this cool, crisp, colorful rainbow... ...is watching you work your sandwich magic. making a one-of-a-kind creation bursting with flavor. we're all about finding unique veggies that give your sandwich even more life. like avocado, spinach, red onion... so come on in and get your veggie on. subway. eat fresh. (vo) ours is a world of the red-eyes. (daughter) i'm really tired. (vo) the transfers. well, that's kid number three. (vo) the co-pilots. all sitting... ...trusting... ...waiting...val. ...for a safe arrival. introducing the all-new subaru legacy. designed to help the driver in you... ...care for the passenger in them. the subaru legacy. it's not just a sedan. it's a subaru.
you're trespassed on hallowed ground. >> you're the slug that took my friend down. >> shall we? ♪ >> jimmy: that is mickey rourke in "sin city: a dame to kill for." i wouldn't want to have a fight scene with you. >> four years at the actor's studio for that, right? >> jimmy: yeah. but you spent a lot of time in the ring for that also, yes? >> yeah. >> jimmy: when you're fighting a guy like that, is it hard not to hit him? >> it's easier to get hit from the other person.
>> jimmy: to get hit. you're okay with being hit by the other person. >> no, no. it's easier for that to happen. >> jimmy: it's easier for that to happen. did that happen? >> that happened. he corked me, yeah. first punch. and he's a big dude, dennis. and he did a great job. and it was -- you know, just a -- an accident. >> jimmy: uh-huh. [ laughter ] >> i just said, come on, keep it going. we finished it out. the next -- a couple months after the movie was over, i went to my dentist. and he said -- i have all implants. he said, how long ago did you get them that? i said about 20 years ago. and i don't have any two front teeth anyway. he said, you have to have the surgery redone because it's been 20 years. and your teeth are going to fall out in your soup. >> jimmy: and? >> how much is going to cost. oh, [ bleep ]. forget it. let the [ bleep ] teeth fall out in the soup.
[ applause ] the last movie i did, i had a fight scene with a young kid. i just did a movie called "ashby," in north carolina. >> jimmy: okay. >> a young kid, really up-and-coming. really great actor. nate wolf. okay? so, i'm thinking -- i was watching him in the beginning, shaping up. i'm going, i'm going to get hit in my new teeth. all right? $110,000 worth. >> jimmy: really? >> i said to the director, i thought the guy they hired was a hack. right? >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> a real hack. [ laughter ] and they hired who they could get there. i said to the director, i made him a deal. i said, here's the deal. you want to use this guy to choreograph the fight scene, fine. he hits me in the mouth, i'm not going the hit him in the mouth, i'm going to come over and knock seven of your teeth out. he brought in my guy. and it went great. if you get what you pay for. >> jimmy: yeah. wow.
$110,000 for teeth. >> well, no. i was talking about the hack. >> jimmy: i know. i'm still stuck on the $110,000. [ laughter ] i mean, there are rappers that have gold teeth that don't cost that much, you know? you said -- i think you told me once you don't like to watch yourself on screen. >> never. >> jimmy: if you're wearing big prosthetics like that? >> i don't mind. >> jimmy: when was the last time you did a comedy? [ laughter ] >> you haven't -- >> jimmy: "diner" was such a great movie. [ cheers and applause ] haven't really done it since then. >> you probably liked it better than i did. >> jimmy: you didn't like "diner." >> that wasn't my thing. i didn't get the humor. >> jimmy: it is funny. we should watch it. i'll explain it to you. >> where i came from, we had a different sense of humor about what was funny. >> jimmy: really. you were funny in it, though. >> tie guys, set them on fire and piss on them. we thought that was funny, too.
>> jimmy: that's funny, too, in a different way. that's more of a broad kind of funny. >> i thought it [ bleep ] funny. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what was the last time you saw it? have you looked at it at all? >> no. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah. 20 years ago. >> jimmy: yeah. i think you might like it if you looked at it again. >> maybe. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: maybe in the dvd extras you can set someone on fire. >> well, yeah. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. >> good to see you. >> jimmy: thank you for coming. mickey rourke, everybody. "sin city: a dame to kill for," opens august 22nd. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t, mobilizing your world. so what ya got on deck? skyfall. lean in, then some pinterest, you? twitter. minecraft and then some hunger games. boom. wow, you guys are all set, huh? oh yeah, new amazon fire phone. it comes with amazon prime - tons of cool stuff for no extra charge. really? it comes with amazon prime?
yeah, there's so much to watch. i've been on this earth nine years, i've never seen anything like it. the new amazon fire phone, with a full year of prime included. exclusively on at&t. the heavy lifters.ers. just for men does more than get rid of gray, your facial hair looks fuller, thicker, the best beard ever. after all, you're not just a champion of saturday afternoons.... you're a champion of facial hair. just for men mustache and beard. olive garden's buy one, take one, starting at just $12.99. it's back, but not for long.
enjoy dinner tonight and take home a second entrée for later. choose from a variety of amazing entrees. like new creamy citrus chicken, then choose a second favorite to take home. buy one, take one starting at just $12.99. plus, it gets even better when you make it a movie night with a free one-day rental from redbox. olive garden, we're all family here. ♪ hey, mom! ♪ ♪ get everything turtles at target. (door knock!love it...say bounty paper towels are the best?... they're a must.
yes, i did. this is viva® vantage, and it's different because of the stretch. wow, that's awesome. that stretch means scrubbing power. i never knew paper towels could do that. viva® vantage. the towel more people prefer. mmis that ice cream? mmm! uh, no, it's breyers gelato indulgences. you really wouldn't like it. it's got caramel and crunchy stuff. i like caramel and crunchy stuff. [ female announcer ] new breyers gelato indulgences -- it's way beyond ice cream. but every coach knows strategy. all strategy. you've got to find an edge wherever you can and this is mine. this intel based tablet does anything i need precisely when i need it. when you've got a whole team depending on your split second reaction performance matters. this intel processor helps win championships. ♪ what art thou drinking isaac?
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back. jordana brewster and music from banks are on the way. but before we get to them, here's something fun. in norwalk, which is just about 20 minutes south of l.a., there's a mysterious creature on the loose. surveillance cameras caught footage of this large, four-legged creature roaming the streets. i think we have the footage. people think it might be a mountain lion. although, it might be a chupacabra for all we know. and it's not been captured so people are on-edge. we thought this was the perfect opportunity to send a guy in a crappy mountain lion costume to norwalk to scare people.
>> hello, ma'am. what is your name? >> my name is elise. >> do you live here? >> i live across the street. >> and have you heard the rumors about a big, mysterious cat stalking norwalk? >> i actually haven't. [ screams ] >> have you heard the reports of a big cat-like animal stalking norwalk? >> i've seen it on the news. >> are you concerned? >> well, sometimes, you know -- [ laughter ] >> don't try and get closer to it because -- [ laughter ] >> you mean, like that? [ laughter ] >> hello. >> just keep cool. just keep cool. >> not a problem. >> jimmy: not a problem at all. we'll be right back with jordana brewster. [ cheers and applause ]
get more music from tonight's artist from itunes.com/banks. if you have moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis like me, and you're talking to your rheumatologist about a biologic... this is humira. this is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage. doctors have been prescribing humira for ten years. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific
source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain and stop further joint damage in many adults. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. talk to your doctor and visit humira.com this is humira at work ♪ cereal and milk ♪ milk and cereal ♪ cereal and milk delicious kellogg's® cereal and milk. it has protein to help you rebuild, and grains to help you recharge. kellogg's. see you at breakfast. ♪
of swedish experience in insidperfecting the rich,ars never bitter taste of gevalia. we do it all for this very experience. [woman] that's good. i know right? gevalia. that's why there's a listerine® product for every mouth. one to clean your whole mouth. one for those hard to reach places. one to protect kids mouths from cavities. even one to freshen breath on-the-go. with over 100 years of innovation in oral care... there's a listerine® product for every mouth in your house. for cleaner, healthier mouths go beyond brushing alone. listerine®. power to your mouth ™.
remind me to tell her happy anniversary. [ cortana ] next time you talk to caroline, i'll remind you. [ siri ] oh no, i cannot do that. oh, and remind me to get roses when i'm near any flower shop. sure thing. remind you when you get to flower shop. i can't do that either. cortana, it's gonna be a great night. [ beep ] oh wow! thanks for the traffic alert. i better get going. now that is a smart phone. ♪ oh, wait ♪ it's 'cause you make me smile ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. welcome back. still to come, music from banks. our next guest is both the yale-educated daughter of a brazilian supermodel and vin diesel's movie sister. her tv series "dallas" returns to tnt august 18th. please say hello to jordana brewster. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] i haven't seen you for like three "fast and furious" movies. >> i know. you look amazing. >> jimmy: you look amazing. we both look amazing. you have a child now, right? a son. >> i do. >> jimmy: how old is he? >> 11 months. >> jimmy: oh, congratulations on that. are you enjoying that. >> congratulations on your
daughter. >> jimmy: thank you very much. she's 4 weeks old today, my daughter. >> so intense at this stage. >> jimmy: yeah. she did a terrible thing to me last night. >> what did she do? >> jimmy: she -- okay. how should i put this? well, she pooped, first of all. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: and i don't like that. [ laughter ] no. she pooped. and so, i was feeding her. and i was like, all right. i'm going to go change her and i'll give her the rest of the bottle once i changed her. >> how nice of you. >> jimmy: so, i -- >> how sweet. >> jimmy: i took her into the changing area. and i cleaned her. and you know, first of all, boys are a lot easier. like, my son -- boys are easier. >> like this constantly. >> jimmy: but the vagina is a nightmare. [ laughter ] it is. it is. it's got -- you have to really -- you know, work. [ laughter ] so, anyway. i cleaned her up. and i put the diaper on. and i rebutened all the buttons.
it should be color. coded, so you know which snap goes to which. as soon as i was finished -- and i was like, really? oh, really? >> that's the worst. >> jimmy: so, then, you know, i had to go through the whole thing again right after i did it. and guess what happened. >> again? >> jimmy: a third time. [ laughter ] >> oh. >> jimmy: three diaper changes in four minutes for me. >> wow. >> jimmy: and i think it's -- are you -- you have to be kidding me. >> that's epic. >> jimmy: i'm yelling at a 4-week-old child. >> poor girl. >> jimmy: poor me. i had to clean it all up. >> it must have been tough on her, too. >> jimmy: it wasn't tough on her at all. she enjoyed the hell out of it. does your son do that? does he move his bowels? >> he did it so much, because he had a diaper rash. and the best thing for diaper rash is cloth diapers. >> jimmy: really? >> it's a whole other thing. i sent a picture.
and i realized there was poop on my shirt. it gets everywhere. >> jimmy: a sent a picture of yourself. >> with julian. like -- wait a second. there's -- >> jimmy: you have to save that for his wedding. put it on the thing. that's how i -- oh, i'll use this to embarrass her here and there and there. i'm planning my revenge ahead. >> that's nice. >> jimmy: well, it's fun, right? >> super fun. >> jimmy: are you calm? >> i'm calm most like 99% of the time. except for when it really hits the fan. my first emergency was -- i was at the park with him. everything was going really well. i get home and he starts heaving in his highchair. he was really young and he eat a leaf. he was choking. i panicked.
i ran outside with him. and there were teenage neighbors looking at me like i was a freak. and julian projectile vomited. and i was so happy because the leaf came flying out. and they're like, that's disgusting. but the next day, i booked a cpr course. >> jimmy: you have to sweep the cheek. >> i tried. it doesn't really work. >> jimmy: it doesn't? >> unless i'm not doing it right. >> jimmy: how many leaves is your kid eating? is he part koala bear? >> every gag i would freak out and -- it's a whole thing. >> jimmy: it's a whole thing. are your parents excited about this? are they helpful? >> he's a first grandchild of the family and a first boy. they're really, really excited a little too much. i mean, today, we were at their house because there was a power outage at our house. and so, we were at grandma and grandpa's. they don't refer to themselves as grandma and grandpa. they refer to themselves as mom and dad. what? oh, i mean grandma. they say mommy is here.
but you're not the mom. >> jimmy: maybe they're plotting your demise. >> i mean -- >> jimmy: trying to take the baby from you. >> they're deeply in love with him. sweet but a little creepy. >> jimmy: it's good for him. do you get resentful when you see them being nice to him? where does that when i was a kid? >> i've had moments of that. but i never admitted it out loud. until now. >> jimmy: i'm glad i was able to bring that out of you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're on the show "dallas," a -- not really a remake. >> it's a continuation. >> jimmy: they should call it a reboot. there's a lot of boots on the show, right? >> there are a lot of boots on the show. and boots are not that comfortable. >> jimmy: oh. you have to wear boots. >> sometimes, yeah. >> jimmy: if you wear boots all the time, i'm told they're very comfortable. >> i guess you have to break them in. >> jimmy: occasional boot-wearer, no good. you need full-time with the boots. mickey rourke has been training four years for one rugby movie. >> really?
>> jimmy: you can't wear boots in the off-season? >> i'm a real slacker. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. he does. yeah. he's in a rugby. his teeth were $110,000. [ laughter ] right, guillermo. i'm not lying about that, right? >> guillermo: you're right. >> jimmy: and he is a juror. he will tell you the truth. [ laughter ] it's very good to see you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: give my best to your son. and the tv show. it's called "dallas." it returns to tnt on august 18th. jordana brewster, everybody. we'll be right back with music from banks. [ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t, mobilizing your world.
time for him tonight. he will be rescheduled. "nightline" is next. but first, her album, "goddess" comes out september 9th. here with the song "beggin' for thread," banks. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ so i got edges that scratch and sometimes i ♪ ♪ don't got a filter but i'm so tired of eating ♪ ♪ all of my misspoken words i know my disposition ♪ ♪ gets confusing my disproportionate ♪ ♪ reactions fuse with my eager state ♪ ♪ that's why you wanna come out
and play with me, yeah ♪ ♪ why, why, why ♪ stooped down and out you got me beggin' for thread to sew this hole up ♪ ♪ that you ripped in my head stupidly think you had it under control ♪ ♪ strapped down to something that you don't understand ♪ ♪ don't know what you were getting yourself into ♪ ♪ you should have known secretly i think you knew ♪ ♪ i got some dirt on my shoes my words can come ♪ ♪ out as a pistol i'm no good at aiming but i can aim it at you ♪ ♪ i know my actions they ♪ may get confusing but my
unstable ways is my solution ♪ ♪ to even space that's why you wanna come out and play with me, yeah ♪ ♪ stooped down and out you got me beggin' for thread ♪ ♪ to sew this hole up ♪ that you ripped in my head stupidly think you ♪ ♪ had it under control ♪ strapped down to something that you ♪ ♪ don't understand don't know what you were ♪ ♪ getting yourself into you should have known ♪ ♪ secretly i think you knew ♪ hold it out, whoa try to hide it out but my tracks are
better ♪ ♪ hold it out, whoa try to hide it out but my tracks are better ♪ ♪ hold it out, whoa ♪ try to hide it out but my tracks are better ♪ ♪ hold it out, whoa try to hide it out ♪ ♪ but my tracks are better ♪ stooped down and out you got me beggin' for thread ♪ ♪ to sew this hole up that you ripped in my head ♪ ♪ stupidly think you had it under control ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ strapped down to something that you ♪ ♪ don't understand don't know what you were ♪ ♪ getting yourself into you should have known ♪ ♪ secretly i think you knew secretly i think you knew ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
♪ both on a stage don't tell me listen ♪ ♪ to your song because it isn't the same ♪ ♪ i don't wanna say your love is a waiting game ♪ ♪ baby, i'm thinking it over what if the way we ♪ ♪ started made it something cursed ♪ ♪ from the start what if it only gets colder ♪ ♪ would you still wrap me up and tell me ♪ ♪ that you think this was smart ♪ ♪ 'cause lately i've been ♪ scared of even thinking 'bout where we are ♪
this is "nightline." tonight, fatal attraction. late-breaking developments in the case of a twisted teenage love triangle. his ex-girlfriend started dating his best friend, who winds up dead. did he take the ultimate revenge? now, the verdict is in. plus, scams. you may treasure to get to one of the hottest concerts this summer, like bruno mars. ♪ treasure, that is what you are ♪ >> but could you spot a fake? >> these are real. >> it's big business. and it's happening across the country. tonight, we're going under cover. >> we're with abc news. >> confronting counterfeit ticket sellers.