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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  March 17, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, tom hiddleston, gillian jacobs, judge james, this week in unnecessary censorship, and comedian sam jay! and now, no need to worry, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to the show, i'm jimmy. thanks for watching, thanks for coming. delighted. very nice. welcome to one and all, we have visitors tonight from near and far. i thought we might start the show tonight with a little bit of geography.
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do you like geography? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so here's a map of the united states. it's the most sexually diseased states. now, as a general rule, the state with the most stds is traditionally whichever state where "the bachelor" is shooting, but not in this case. california finished 16th, which is better than i thought we would do. you know, charlie sheen lives here. but the number one most sexually diseased state, is fortunately, not attached to us. it is right there, alaska. [ applause ] and the reason they have the most stds in alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you're wearing mittens? [ laughter ] guillermo, you're wearing mittens. >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: you have a condom in your hand. give it a try. to give you an idea of how difficult this is.
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even practiced in this, this afternoon, right? >> yeah. can i use my teeth? yeah, you can use anything, but don't bite into the you, you know. i don't want to have to heimlich you here. so you can see what i'm saying. are you still working on that? >> yeah. >> jimmy: when you get it open, put it on and we'll see how it looks. >> all right, sure. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: the most, i don't know if you can see, but the top state for std-free state is new hampshire. congratulations to new hampshire, followed by west virginia, maine, and vermont. vermont is 47. vermont, they're really making the most of this. vermont, they're even using these new stats to help boost tourism. ♪ vermont ♪ it's the place to be if you don't want to get an std ♪
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♪ the mountains and trees and it won't hurt when you pee ♪ ♪ vermont ♪ come to vermont ♪ we'd love to see you ♪ we won't give you herpes or gonorrhea ♪ ♪ just maple syrup and lots of skiing ♪ ♪ no blood in your urine for the times when you're peeing. ♪ >> in mountain, our mountains are green but your genitals won't be. we've got low rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and even crabs. you'll have a great vacation, not painful urination. ♪ make vermont your destination ♪ ♪ when you pee here, there's no burning sensation ♪ ♪ vermont, we're vt, not vd >> i'm bernie sanders and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's the only burn i feel. anyway, it's funny, but it's a serious thing. and the center for disease control reminds you, still the best way to avoid contracting an
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std is to get really into dungeons and dragons in high school. you get that thing open yet, guillermo? >> not yet. >> jimmy: president trump is working to try to drum up some support from republicans for the obamacare replacement they've been working on. tonight he invited a hundred of them to come bowling at the white house. for real, it's a pizza and bowling night, part of what they're calling the president's charm offensive. he can be very charming and very offensive. so he puts those together. unfortunately, the white house bowling alley only has two lanes for 100 people. so i don't know how much bowling will happen. bowling is a traditional activity for presidents of the united states. it goes all the way back to harry true man who had bowling lanes put in the white house. there's richard nixon. president clinton bowling. president bush throwing the ball. president obama all bowling in suits and ties. the real take away here is they need to design some kind of presidential bowling shirt, you know, with a spare force one on
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it, or something, a team logo. [ laughter and applause ] oh, thank you. thank you. trump has made it known that he doesn't want the new health care bill called trump care for a very good reason. the president is a humble man, he doesn't like to put his name on things. and paul ryan, the speaker of the house said this, the reason obamacare doesn't work, is because it makes healthy people pay for the care of sick people. which isn't that how all insurance works? imagine trying to buy car insurance. hey, my car is fine. i'm not paying for those people who got in accidents. it's like saying the lottery doesn't work because only one person hits the jackpot. tonight was bowing night. last night, the president and first lady had dinner with senator ted cruz and his wife heidi, which that must have been -- after all the lying ted and -- you know how the government could make some money, put it on pay-per-view. i would gladly pay a hundred dollars to watch donald trump
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and ted cruz eat dinner together. it would be the best episode of "celebrity wife swap" ever. melania trump's approval rating is up. you remember, the model who is locked in the tower and talks like borat? 52% of americans have a favorable opinion, men more than women. women tnd 0 judge her on what she does and says whereas men base it on google image search results. if there's one thing donald trump loves, it's people with better ratings than him, he's not going to tolerate that. in addition to my work as a talk show host and hairstylist, i'm also a beloved tv judge. from time to time i hear cases along with my trusty bailiff guillermo who is still working on or who has given up. real litigants put their disputes in very good hands, these hands, the hands of the
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man known as judge james. >> this is the plaintiff, scott davies. he rented a private one-bedroom apartment from the defendant, only to discover on moving day that the unit was merely a living room. he's suing for $1,400. this is the defendant, daniel devore. he maintains the plaintiff was aware of the living arrangement, but changed his mind. it's the case of the justice of the lease. >> raise your right hand. >> what you are about to witness is real. the participants are not actors. they're actual litigants with a case pending in civil court. both parties have agreed to drop their claims to have their case decided here by judge james. >> you can be seated. >> you can sit down. the lady has been sworn in. >> very good. before we begin, i'd like to congratulate you, guillermo. guillermo has been named bailiff of the month. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, thank you.
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>> okay, all right. scott davies, you are suing daniel devore, for $1400, the amount you paid the defendant to rent a private one bedroom with a shared bathroom and late area you discovered it was just a living room, correct? >> yes, your honor. >> mr. devore, you say he just changed his mind after he moved into the property. you offered him several solutions after he moved in but he decided to sue. >> that's correct. >> mr. davies, let's start with you. >> i found the craig's list ad, i don't know which one he gave you. >> thank you. essentially you'll see right there, it doesn't say den at all. it says private room. i met him at his office, gave him cash. he gave me the keys and immediately i went to the able to see if the keys got me into where i needed to be. they only got me into the living room. so i called him and said, i think you forgot a key. he basically started to manipulate the situation,
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telling me, that's the space i rented, and if i'm not familiar with the laws in california, if you give somebody cash for a certain set of keys, that's the room you're getting. >> mr. devore, what happened? >> i had two ads going at the same time, and it wasn't a living room. it was a den and a private room. one was $695, one was $895. he's just showing you the one ad. that i had ran at that point. >> do you have the other ad? >> believe it or not, i do not have the other ad. >> there you go. that's the only ad, sir. >> there was multiple ads. >> that was the only add i saw. >> you know, little brother, you better give me a second while i'm speaking. >> i've been listening to you all day. >> we got two rooms, campbell's a witness. i don't have to worry. we have somebody who is here. >> come on, big brother, you're not organized. >> listen, little brother -- >> do you guys think of each other as brothers? >> well, he calls me brother. so apparently he's my brother. >> like you said, you had to call your mom that night. >> of course. i'm a big mama's boy. i'm not afraid to admit it. >> i love your mom too. >> i bet you do.
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[ laughter ] >> this is the other ad i was running. don't worry, brother. >> what is this you're showing me? it's all black. >> that's the ad i ran for $695. >> why can't i read it? >> because he's a scammer. >> nick jonas, let it slide. >> you're sweating there. >> order in the court. >> thank you. tell him to quiet down. like a little terrier running around the court. >> shut up, fat boy. >> come over here and tell me to shut up. >> hold on real quickly, you are no longer bailiff of the month. you can't let this go on. >> did he move in, campbell? yes or no. >> he did move in. >> he stayed the night. >> that's correct. there you go. >> campbell, you are living in the house now? >> yes, sir, i am. >> are you in any danger? >> i hope not, your honor. >> campbell, are you currently under the influence of marijuana?
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>> that's right. >> say something is, campbell. >> campbell, say something! >> help me out here, man. >> campbell, are you going to do anything? >> say anything, campbell! are you alive? what the frik? >> jimmy: seen more personality in a can of campbell's soup. >> say something, come on, now. >> all right. i'm going to go to my chambers and maybe have a snack and then i'll come back and i will rule on this case. >> will judge james side with little brother or big brother? will guillermo have to say adios to his best bailiff award? and is campbell, mmm, mmm, wasted? judge james verdict when we return. [ cheers and applause ] >> can't wait to figure out how i rule. we're going to take a break. when we come back, the conclusion of judge james, plus this week in unnecessary censorship, so stick around. we'll be right back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight on the show, tim hiddleston, gillian jacobs is here. comedian sam jay is on the way. first i want to wish happy birthday to barbie the doll, she turned 58 today. 58 years old. old enough that we should probably start calling her by her real name, barbara. sadly barbie didn't get the one thing she wanted today, which is for ken to have genitals. still having trouble with that over there? >> yes. >> jimmy: i like that you're still working on it. i don't know what it shows. >> i want to open it. >> jimmy: you'll get it open. let's go back to the courtroom for the shocking and legally binding conclusion to judge james.
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>> this mistreated mama's boy says he received the rental run around. this loud-mouth landlord disagrees, and this red-eyed witness thinks it's all a dream. judge james is about to rule. let's listen. >> be seated. it's a good thing you guys don't live together, because you really don't get along. i think you can understand, mr. devore, that without the ad, you really don't have any evidence. i will say, my primary concern here is for the welfare of campbell. campbell, are you here under duress? >> no. >> do you know what duress means? >> i do. >> i have reviewed the evidence, i rule in favor of the plaintiff, in the amount of $1,378.68 minus one night's stay in mr. devore's den.
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arrest everyone. [ laughter and applause ] >> all right, judge james has rendered his verdict. both sides came out clean. let's talk to the defendant. how you doing? >> good, how are you? >> judge said you failed to produce evidence of a previous ad. what do you think? >> well, he ran it, but sorry we couldn't show judge james what he needed to see. >> campbell, earlier you said you were not living in his place under duress. you want to blink twice if you're in trouble? [ laughter ] all right, we'll take that up with the authorities. on the next judge james -- >> what is the purpose of this meditation shrine? >> to meditate on. >> you're very picky for a guy who doesn't button his shirt, i'll tell you that. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: one more thing. it is thursday night, which means it's time to bleep and
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blur the big tv moments of the week. whether they need it or not. it's this week in unnecessary censorship. >> three days after an explosive claim by president trump that president obama bleep his [ bleep ] during the campaign. >> i have lost hope completely and my mind is closed. this presidency is fake and [ bleep ]. mark, your thoughts? >> i know you always [ bleep ] me, but do you ever [ bleep ]? >> never, ever. >> it's not the fire in your belly anymore. you have to have the [ bleeped ] in your throat. >> just to swallow so much. >> i want to [ bleep ] president trump. i want to [ bleep ] vice president pence. and i want to [ bleep ] secretary price. >> good to see you. are you going to [ bleep ] this weekend? >> that would be no. >> i had barbecue with your mom. >> so have i. >> i [ bleep ] your dog, bro.
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>> i [ bleep ] your dog. >> i've had so many [ bleep ]. it's hard to keep track of all 135 of them and counting. >> jimmy: happy birthday, barbie. guillermo? >> what! >> jimmy: guillermo? i appreciate you trying to open it, but the moment has passed. if this would have happened in bed -- >> if i were in bed, i wouldn't have all this -- >> jimmy: you don't wear mittens when you make love? >> no way! >> jimmy: wow orc the things we learn about each other working together. tonight on the show, gillian jacobs is here, comedian sam jay is here,and we'll be right back with tim hiddleston so stick around. (vo) love. i got it. i gotcha baby. (vo) it's being there when you're needed most. love is knowing... he's the one. (vo)...it was meant to be. and love always keeps you safe. we're fine. (vo) love is why we built a car you can trust.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight, from the very funny
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show "love," which can be binge-watched or consumed in moderation on netflix, gillian jacobs is here. then, she is a comedian, you can see her live may 18th through the 20th at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas, sam jay is here. next week, we have a great show next week. next week, "bachelor" nick and his mystery bride to be, or not, we don't know what happened on monday night after the finale on our show. dax shepard will be here, matthew perry, tim allen, milo ventimiglia, michael pena, chef thomas keller, paul shaffer featuring jenny lewis and shaggy. a mashup monday with okay go and the go goes and our announcer dicky barrett brings boston to los angeles as the mighty mighty bostones. dicky, are you ready? >> dicky: i'd better phone the lads. >> jimmy: you better. and i have to practice on my clarinet. because i'm going to be playing with you.
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and cleto, i looked at the notes, and they were too high. very low masculine notes, okay? >> yes. >> jimmy: okay, very good. our first guest tonight -- still in the jacket? >> yeah, it's too cold. >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is the god of thunder's brother, who is about to share a screen with the world's most famous primate, kong skull island" opens in theaters tomorrow. please welcome tom hiddleston! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you look very nice. >> so do you, sir. >> jimmy: so you had the big "kong" premiere last night here right across the street from us. >> right across the street. >> jimmy: did you stay and watch the movie with the audience? >> i did, yeah. first time i've seen it with a big crowd. >> jimmy: that was your first time?
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>> yeah. >> jimmy: and that's fun, isn't it? >> especially a film like this, which is a roller coaster ride, and you get to hear people jump and gasp and throw popcorn in the air. it's really fun. you don't get that on set. >> jimmy: you know this, i don't know if people know this, but a lot of times the actors when they go to the premiere, they pretend to be going to the movie and they go down the red carpet and they go in the door and they sneak out the back and they don't see their movie. and i never understand that, because that's supposed to be -- that's the point of doing the movie. >> that's true. to turn up and watch it. >> jimmy: you had a premiere in mexico last week? >> last weekend. it was great. >> jimmy: this is interesting. i want to ask you about this. here you are in sombrero. [ laughter ] my first question is, did you travel with the sombrero, or was that something that was given to you when you got to mexico? >> no, so there was a big premiere and thousands of fans who turned out to say hi.
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and then in the middle of on the red carpet, somebody just this sombrero, which i thought was a huge honor. >> jimmy: and you just said, hey, i'm going to put it on. >> yeah. and then, i worked with guillermo dell toro. >> jimmy: oh, yes. >> from crimson peak, and they love him. and then they sang me a song. guillermo, can you help me out? they sang me this song called -- >> jimmy: who did? >> the mexican fans. i put the sombrero on and they all started singing. it's called el -- >> yeah. >> do you know what that is? >> yes. it's the night sky. we can sing it together if you want. >> jimmy: oh, that would be beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] >> i don't know the words. >> jimmy: this should be lovely. >> i don't know the words to this.
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♪ >> is that the tune? >> no, that's the way -- >> jimmy: that's as close as he gets. [ singing in spanish ] >> jimmy: guillermo, you gotta sing into the microphone. [ laughter ] that's kind of why it's there. oh, forget it. go back over there. [ applause ] >> you practice next time. >> we will. i have something to tell you in spanish. [ speaking spanish ]. >> exacta. muy trabajo. >> which is, i haven't forgotten the gorilla suit. [ laughter ] because the last time i was here, i was in a gorilla suit. >> jimmy: you're gorilla-themed in general. is king kong a gorilla or an
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ape? >> do you know, i don't know that actually. i feel like he's an ape. >> jimmy: yeah, they do say ape. >> i called him a monkey once and it didn't go down well on twitter. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, people get very specific about that sort of thing. they love when you're wrong. do you speak other languages? i mean, your spanish was shaky. [ laughter ] >> i speak a little french. >> jimmy: oh, you do? okay. >> but only because i've worked there a lot. >> jimmy: i see. >> so i studied it a bit in school. >> jimmy: did you go to boarding school? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's not such a big thing here, boarding school. if you're bad, you go to boarding school here. your parents have had enough of you. >> maybe the same is true in the uk and i just didn't know. >> jimmy: was it an all-boys school? >> yeah, it was. it was kinda mixed and then it was all boys in the teenage years. >> jimmy: i see. just when you want it to not be all boys. >> yeah. i always say boarding school is like a mixture of harry potter and the great escape. >> jimmy: okay.
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>> without the magic or the second world war. >> jimmy: but with the broomsticks. >> plenty of broomsticks. but the friends i made are close to this day. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> because you're lumped in there together and you try to think of crazy things to do. i remember, i was 8 or 9, and you're in dormitories of ten boys. and you're all kids. so it's like, what are we going to do tonight? we're going to dorm raid. which means, you get your pillows, after lights out, get the end of the pillow at the end of the pillow case. make it a kind of club and go and start a huge pillow fight with the next door dormitory. and the winner is determined by how many pillows you destroy. basically. >> jimmy: i see. you want to destroy your own pillow? >> you just want there to be feathers everywhere and -- >> jimmy: bleeding? >> preferably. you never forget those.
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>> jimmy: boys are the worst. you shouldn't put a bunch of 8, 9-year-old boys together. it turns into "lord of the flies" immediately. right? >> jimmy: you're lucky to be alive, you really are. >> kind of a good description of "kong: skull island." >> jimmy: we're going to take a break and we'll see a clip when we come back. tom hiddleston is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] they don't. tect what stop, stop, stop! sorry. you make it sense what's coming. watch, watch, watch! mom. relax! i'm relaxed. you make it for 16-year olds... whoa-whoa-whoa!!! and the parents who worry about them. you saw him, right? going further to help make drivers, better drivers. don't freak out on me. that's ford. and that's how you become america's best-selling brand.
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♪ when she's ten feet tall ♪ [ speaking foreign language ] >> now there's a man worth talking to. >> jimmy: that is tom hiddleston in "kong: skull island." that's what i was talking about. why wouldn't you want to see that? why wouldn't you want everyone to witness that? if i had shot anything like that, i'd watch it on a continuous loop. >> people coming into your house, would you like a cup of tea, and -- >> jimmy: and yeah, hey, there's
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me, look at that. so you guys shot this in hawaii. australia was another of the places. brie larson was here last night. >> why have a weekend when you can have a breekend? >> jimmy: you went on them? >> yes. we went go-carting and i'm terrible at it. just really slow. >> jimmy: that surprises me. >> safety first. >> jimmy: a lot of go karting is if you get the bad car. you have to scout the cars beforehand. >> well, maybe. one thing i did, i learned to surf. >> jimmy: in hawaii? >> i'd never been surfing before, and i was like, if you go to hawaii for nine weeks, i should learn how to surf. >> jimmy: did you get up? >> i did. >> jimmy: did you have a guy teaching you? >> i did, yeah. >> jimmy: did it make you feel like a child? [ laughter ] >> just being taught how to do stuff. >> jimmy: learning things at a certain age, it's a little bit emasculating. >> that's true.
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>> jimmy: did he hold your back and stuff like that? >> well, the most emasculating and humiliating aspect of it, because it's all about the paddling, as anyone surfing will know. you're out there thinking, it, you're paddling away and you get up on the board and you're overjoyed and you're like, did i get the paddling right? i was behind you giving you a push. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the best thing abouting this whole movie deal, they put a wax figure of you in madam tussaud's wax museum. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what do you think about it? i think it's a very good likeness of you. do you feel -- >> in this particular form, it looks a little small. >> jimmy: this is not actual size, tom. >> i mean, look, it's amazing. >> jimmy: it is crazy, right? >> i haven't come face-to-face with it. >> jimmy: oh, you haven't seen it in real life? >> no.
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>> jimmy: you gotta get this for your house when they're done with it. >> i feel like it's "back to the future" when marty mcfly comes face-to-face with the other version of him from another time. >> jimmy: why not? what's wrong with that? call the pizza guy and that would be hilarious. >> just leave him standing up. maybe i can get the kong head as well. >> jimmy: yeah, you could have the whole museum for yourself. >> when i became an actor, i never thought that's something that would happen. >> jimmy: that never occurred to you? >> no. >> jimmy: and it did. >> there must be a wax work of you. >> jimmy: i am my own wax figure. >> you're now an animator, there's like a cog in your -- >> jimmy: yes, i'm at home right now sleeping. [ laughter ] tom hiddleston! "kong: - skull island" opens in theaters tomorrow. we'll be right back with gillian jacobs. [ cheers and applause ] .
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i heard superheroes read chucks norris comics.d you. i heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. i heard cats say they have chuck-like reflexes. do you think he's still got it? i bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. you're on! hey! chuck! you owe me a buck. you can't always see what's coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an in-network doctor that's close to home is easy. so what happened? i had lunch with chuck norris. ♪ unitedhealthcare.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back.
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you know our next guest from "community," from "girls," and now she has her own show. it's called "love," season two is available now on netflix. please say hello to gillian jacobs! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm doing well. i heard you just had a foot surgery. but you seem to be -- your speed is good. you're wearing heels. >> i was practicing masking my slight limp for you tonight. >> jimmy: do you mask a limp, or do you exacerbate the limp? because sometimes it's fun to go with it. >> if i had more panache as a person, i feel like i could exaggerate it, but i'm kind of a dork so i have to masque. >> jimmy: you were on crutches for a while? >> i was on crutches. >> jimmy: what happened, exactly? >> i discovered a lump underneath my toe. and because i watch a lot of dr. pimple popper online --
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>> jimmy: yes, i watch that. >> yeah, right? dr. sandra lee. she's really great. i knew it was a cyst because it was mobile under the skin. >> jimmy: is that the determination? >> that means it's a cyst. so i went to the podiatrist and i said, i think i have a cyst because it's mobile under the skin. and they looked at me. i was like, is that right. >> actually it is. he said i had to have surgery on it. and then he said, you also have a bunion and it's time for you to get custom orthotics. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> it's been coming my whole life. i knew it. >> jimmy: why did you know it? my mother and my grandmother, if you saw their feet, you knew it's coming. my poor mother, i say such terrible things about her on talk shows, but she doesn't have great feet. >> jimmy: what's true is true. >> i'm so sorry, mom, i've done it to you once again. >> jimmy: do people ask her to see the feet? >> now they will.
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the last time i was here, you showed a video of me harassing my mother and asking her why she named me gillian and not jillian. now everybody's like i saw you on jimmy kimmel. but it was bad because i only showed one of her eyes in the video. so she looked like she was my hostage. so my poor mom. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you inherited the feet, it's her fault. >> i get to make fun of her on national television. >> jimmy: so they're okay now? >> that's all fine. >> jimmy: what kind of orthotic shoes are you going to get? because they have some really nice ones. >> really? >> jimmy: have you seen the ones that are mauve with a big velcro flap that goes over them? you could start a thing. >> i have to tell you, he gave me a list of two shoes that i should buy. >> jimmy: that's not on the list, by the way. that's two. >> a shoe and an option. i went home. i googled them, i showed them to my boyfriend, and he's like, i can't, i can't.
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it's out. >> jimmy: what are you going to do? >> i think i might get the clogs that chefs wear. have you seen those? >> jimmy: yeah, that's a good idea. >> you wear them? >> when i'm cooking. but nobody likes them. it's not like, hey, that looks cool. what's going on, oh, i use them when i cook. >> chef keller looks good in them. >> jimmy: he does. mario batali has them. he has crocs. >> it's not that dire. >> jimmy: if it does, maybe amputate, that's probably the best way to go. second season of your show comes out right now on netflix. right now at midnight which is perfect, because my wife and i just finished watching the whole first season last weekend. i enjoy watching it. you play a character who has a lot of issues, maybe not problems. problems. >> problems. let's -- >> jimmy: go through some of her problems. >> all right, let's.
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she's an alcoholic. >> jimmy: yes. >> she's a drug addict. she has poor impulse control. she is a slacker at work, and she's a sex and love addict. is that enough? >> jimmy: she also has maybe rage issues as well. >> definitely. she acts out. i tip a lot of things over in the second season. >> jimmy: oh, in the second season? >> oh, yeah. i think at one point i knock over a rack of children's tuxedos. so a lot to look forward to. >> jimmy: and who is your co-star in this show? >> paul west, who is also one of the creators of the show. >> jimmy: he's a nerd. >> yes. >> jimmy: like a full-out nerd. i was telling one of the nerds who work in the office, this guy paul is such a nerd that our nerd could play him in the movie version of paul's life. like he's more of a nerd than regular nerds. you know what i'm saying? >> he's a super nerd. >> jimmy: he's a super nerd. he's very funny. i feel like i've just insulted him now. >> he's not here.
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it's okay, paul. >> jimmy: paul and your mother are going to be upset after this show. >> paul and my mother are enraged. >> jimmy: and you don't drink or anything? >> into, i've never drank in my entire life. i've never had a drop of alcohol. never done a drug in my life. when i had this surgery, it was a minor surgery, i came out and the nurse was like, here's your oxycontin. and i'm like, i've never even had a vicodin, i can't take this. she was like, take it, it's fine. i'm like, this is how problems start. straightup pill of oxy. >> jimmy: did you take it? >> no, i'm holding. some of my friends were way too excited about this. >> jimmy: right now, somebody's kicking in your front door at home. >> i think i gotta flush it for everyone's sake. >> jimmy: maybe not flush it. because, you know, then it's in the water. >> you're right. i never thought about that. the fish are going to get so high. >> jimmy: throw it in the gold
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fish bowl. it's very good to see you. the show is very fun. season two of "love" is available right now on netflix, gillian jacobs, everybody! we'll be right back with sam jay.
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. our next guest is a very funny
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person who you can see performing at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas may 18th through the 20th. please welcome sam jay! [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. what is going on, guys? man, this is truly amazing, dude. they have a room back there for me, my name is on the door. i took a bunch of poses in front of it for instagram. bunch of hash tags, like step up your game, get your money together. i'm feeling so good. i got a hundred likes on the pictures, so this doesn't really matter right now. this could go either way. [ laughter and applause ] that's where i'm at, be yourself, live in your moment, embrace your stereotypes. stop being people that shun stereotypes. stereotypes are the best thing because they can help you man, if you play them up right. like people think black people are hostile. i use that to my advantage all the time. i ride the bus and the train, i blast music out my headphones, i
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look left and right real crazy while i do it. i bark every once in a while. no white people sit next to me for miles on the bus or the train. it's the most peaceful ride of my life, because i don't got to deal with your boogie boards and sailboats, silly stuff you bring on public transportation. it's 9:30 in the morning. is that a canoe. >> what is this dude doing? we think all asians know karate. if you don't know, asianman, throw up a leg, get out a jam. white women, you guys cry and get whatever you want. beautiful. it's so dope. i wish people cared when i cried. i'd do it more often. no one cares, man. because as a black woman, i'm still doing that oppression, we shall overcome cry, where you get all stiff and the one tear rolls down. and you don't know if she's holding in a fart or crying. or what's going on. when white women cry y'all break down, your bodies go limp, your
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hair goes everywhere. it's like, she needs help, right here! it's amazing, dude. because when you embrace your thing, you can use it to help other people. that's the beauty of it. i was at a comedy festival, hanging out with my home boy, we automatically looked suspicious because he is a man. i look like a man. we're both black. and we smell like weed. we were smoking weed, okay? so i'm trying to hide it. dunking and dodging security. this white lady walked up, she said, i would love to smoke with you. i would even light a cigarette to mask the smell, if you would let me. >> i feel like we acquired white woman shield. you are now invisible to cops, security and other otherwise nosey white folks. [ laughter and applause ] thank you. and that's where we're at, man. we want to be a better country. i was on the cruise when i found out trump was the president. i was on this cruise.
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we were in the bahamas. and people were like, we're never coming back! and i'm like, that's not how cruises work. we're coming back. but it was a boat divided. as soon as the election results came in, there were people that were happy, i understood. people that were sad, i understood. you're sad your guy lost. you're happy your guy won. but there was one lady that was confused, she was pissing me off. she kept saying, how could this happen in america? we were so ready for a female president. i was like, really? a year ago we weren't even ready for female ghost busters. and that's not even a real job. you can't do that. i don't know how ready we were, lady. chill out. [ laughter and applause ] but i think as liberals, we should have been better, we should have been nicer to old white men. i'm saying it. nicer to old white dudes. we been a bully to old white dudes. we can't accept the win.
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we won. liberals we won. even with trump, we won. there's gluten-free every applebee's. we won. it's over. we don't got to be abusive. hey, old white dude, hey, you dummy, you were bad to blacks, you were bad to gays, and you were bad to women. you smoked on planes. you idiot. from now on, guys are going to kiss guys on street and bacon kills you. shut up, i don't want to hear your thoughts. shouldn't do that to people. but white people contributed to society. not just the bad. slavery, bad. everything they did to black people after slavery, bad. but airplanes, dope! airplanes are undeniably cool, man. that's a white guy way of thinking. no one else would have come up with that. we au want to be one with society. white guys got this weird need to dominate and dominate huge. only a white guy looked in the sky, saw a bird and was like, i should be able to do that, why not me? hey, y'all have been phenomenal.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: sam jay! i'd like to thank my guests and apologize to matt damon. "nightline" is next. goodnight! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] goodnight! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ captions paid for by abc, inc.
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this is "nightline." tonight, the family manson. callying never before aired footage of the notorious psychotic cult leader. >> how you doing. >> how he convinced young women to kill in his name. >> i felt nothing. i felt absolutely nothing for her. as she begged for her life and for the life of her baby. >> reporter: telling their stories from behind bars. >> i stabbed mrs. la buy and ca in the lower body about 16 times. >> will they ever see the light of day? plus, snow guts, snow glory. the youngest olympic slalom gold medal ist in history. michaela schifrin is just getting started. >> it doesn't feel like i'm doing something special. >> on the slopes with the star and her coaching star. >> she

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