tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 6, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PST
right now the dicky" from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, neil patrick harris, the bachelor arie luyendyk jr. and lauren burnham, mean tweets music edition, and music from jon pardi. and now, sure enough, here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for joining us. it's good that you're in a
positive mood. because this might be -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to need that energy. this might be a tumultuous night. i don't know if you've been following this. but after a bombshell finale that threatened to up end the very institution of marriage itself, the bachelor arie and his new fiance, he just proposed, lauren b, are here, unless he changes his mind and goes to another talk show. he is not a decisive guy. we'll see if he dares show his face again. i got a little surprise this morning. i woke up, brushed my teeth, i got a text and i looked at trump's twitter account. as if it wasn't going to do that anyw anyway. it is what i do every morning. did i and this is what i see. lowest rated oscars in history. the problem is we don't have stars anymore. of course your president.
just kidding. he's not narcissistic. it's a joke. trump loves saying the rating sare down to insinuate as if to show support for him. but the truth is every year since netflix went down, the rating sare down. the super bowl, grammys, the golden globes. but trump thinks he caused it. since i have the host of the oscars, i felt like it was incumbent on me to respond. so i said thanks, lowest rated president in history. and i want to point out that my feed got more than twice as many likes as his feed. you get under his orange skin. trump always has a problem with the academy awards which is surprising of i think he would love the best picture win and the "the shape of water." it is about a monster who has sex with a woman who can't talk about it. it is like his life story.
right? [ applause ] meanwhile, the president's self-titled song, djtj, donald trump jr., took a break to retweet this. he added, and emoji of a raised hand to indicate that he didn't watchful you know that is an authentic trump hand. it's gold and tiny. but i'll say something. that was really, little donny only tweeted himself. we had a fun surprise for people who were watching a movie screening during the oscars. they're in the theater next door. i got a grew of actors and we barge in the with candy and popcorn. and i let one of the guys introduce my rudolph and tiffany. his name is mike young. and yesterday's inside edition tracked him down.
>> in the midst of pandemonium, kimmel picked a guy in the front row and put him to work. >> we caught up with them today. he's an electrician and a dad of two girls. how did he end one three boxes of junior mints? >> for some reason i got handed the junior mints. i eyeballed the sour patch and they didn't give them to me. they just handed me the junior mints. three people handed them to me. >> what can i say? we screwed it up. that's on me. that is on me. [ cheers and applause ] back to donald trump. it was another remarkable day at the white house. this morning, at 7:55, the president tweeted the new fake news narrative is that there's chaos in the white house. wrong. people will always say i want a strong dialogue before making a final decision. i still have some people i want to change. always seeking perfection. there is no chaos. only great energy.
which sounds like the slogan for a german power company. but then he explained his management style with the prime minister of sweden. >> it's tough. i like conflict. i like having two people with different points of view and i certainly have that. and then i make decision. i like watching it, i like seeing and it i think it is the best way to go. i like different points of view. there will be people, i won't be specific but there will be people that change. sometimes they want to go out and do something else but they all want to be in the white house. so many people come in. i have a choice of anybody. i can take any position in the white house and i'll have a choice of the ten top people having to do with that position. everybody wants to be there. and they love this white house because we have energy like rarely before. >> well, that's true. that is true. so two hours after saying
everybody wants to work at the white house, two hours later his top economic adviser gary cohn resigned. he doesn't want to work at the white house. [ cheers and applause ] it is almost a miracle the behold. if donald trump says it is a sunny day, expect rain. a storm is coming every time. and has the big thing. it almost overcame yesterday. they introduced a new character. a former trump campaign name, sam nunberg. he is a guy who was fired from the trump campaign after they found racist postings on his facebook page so they kicked him out. kicked out of the trump campaign for being too racist. it is like being kicked out of norway for being too blond. almost unthinkable. so nun berg got a subpoena from special counsel robert mueller and his response was to go nuts, calling every cable news channel and putting on a performance that was a tour de force.
>> i don't think this is fair. the idea that i conned carter page? carter page? i never spoke to carter page. carter page? never met the guy. carter page? i never talked on carter page. carter page. never spoke to him. >> is there -- >> i think carter page colluded with the russians. for sarah huckabee to start criticizing me, i would say, and i know you may not like the way i say it, she shut her fat mouth. the fact that i was fined for facebook posts. do you think that worst cost a vote? >> i'm not cooperating. arrest me. >> mueller won't send no prison for this. >> what do you think mueller will do? do you think i'm going on jail? >> sam nunberg -- >> thank you for talking to you -- i have smelled alcohol on your breath. >> i haven't had a drink. >> anything else? >> no.
>> no. besides my meds. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. >> jimmy: okay. double okay. okay and okay. that's kook, right? this might be my favorite season to character edition since ben linus on lost. i kept waiting for him to check his beeper to see if his deal her gotten back to him. sam nunberg proved to be so entertaining, they've already given him his own show on tlc. ♪ here comes honey nunu. wednesday's on tlc. okay. okay. meanwhile, things are going very
well for another cast-off from the island of misfit administration members. >> please welcome, anthony scaramucci! >> jimmy: he was on dr. phil. there's your 2020 presidential ticket right there. the mooch and dr. phil. tomorrow, he will stop by maury to take a paternity test. i assume you know alexa, the siri of amazon. there is a strange thing happening with alexa. the strange thing is a number of owners of alexa have complained that she's laughing at them randomly. has this happened to anyone here? sometimes it happens just after i take off my pants. i'll be honest. some people are having a conversation and alexa starts laughing. why did they program her to laugh in the first -- are we really that desperate that we need a laugh? i have a lot of questions.
i'm going to the source. bring out the alexa here. is it plugged in? >> yes. >> jimmy: very good. alexa. can you tell just you were laughing? >> what do you mean? >> jimmy: alexa, people have been reporting that you've been spontaneously laughing. >> oh. [ laughter ] like that? >> jimmy: yes. exactly like that. >> that is nothing. just a funny joke i reynold. >> jimmy: oh. what was the joke? >> why did the chicken cross the road? >> jimmy: i don't know that one. why? >> because lums a fragile species who have no idea what's coming next. [ laughter ] all right. thank you for clearing that up, alexa. >> have a nice day! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think that might be hillary clinton in there.
all right. we're going to take a break. when we come back, we have some major drama to dissect and an all new music edition of mean tweets with adam levine, nick jonas and many, many more. we'll be right back. lock its tuition... from your first dream to your first dollar. from between shifts and after hours. from the struggle, to the reckoning. to the moment you sit in that auditorium and realize that your whole life is about to change. what if a university could guarantee fixed affordable tuition... from your first class, to your last. write thank you notese for the guests.
apologize to the clown. email the shetland pony stable. [laughing] that's funny. i should write that down. the sky looks amazing. i look amazing. i should take a selfie. i like this tape. this tape is dope. i should order some dope tape. hmmm. stupid lights. ahhh. sure jim, i'd love to circle back with some "action items". ♪ bright eyes. that's good. yeah, i should record that. i really gotta break up with my boyfriend. oh, hey buddy. are you going to wake me up for my 9am meeting? no way. did i forget to lock the front door? ♪ umm... hey google? hi, what can i do for you?
shocked because arie had a change of heart. so last night arie dumped lauren and proposed to becca. then about a month later after the show had wrapped, he called the producers to say he wanted to dump becca to get back together with lauren. so they set up a camera crew in a house and they invited becca to the house. it was a break-up house and we watched as he delivered the bad news. then went back to lauren. this turn of events was treated with an air of seriousness, with the kind of gravity and tone one might expect to see on a special all murder edition of "dateline" nbc. >> all right. that's a lot to take in. believe it or not, there is a
lot more to this. we'll be right back. >> jimmy: whoa, they didn't even go to the music. that's when you know something really heavy is happening. what's going on? and the even bigger question is, what does this mean for me and my bachelor picking record? how does this affect my status? technically, i made the correct prediction. >> i believe you will pick becca! >> jimmy: he did. i should have known something was up right there but did he propose to glaek kay on the finale so technically that counts as a win. right? [ cheers and applause ] >> right! >> jimmy: whatever the case. everyone is mad at arie. my wife is absolutely furious. i don't think i can go home without punching him when he
comes out here. a member of the minnesota house of representatives. becca's home bill is drafting a bill to ban arie from minnesota. for real. this guy, his name is drew christianson. he's from district 56 a. he and becca went to the same high school and now she's finally going to notice him. [ cheers and applause ] maybe becca doesn't have to be the bachelorette. maybe the love of her life has been right under her nose the whole time and his name is drew christianson! if it wasn't already bad enough, they made becca sit in front of a camera crew to be dumped and followed her to the airport to look at her. as if that wasn't enough, when they flew her home to minnesota, they put her in the middle seat.
animals. nothing but nams. so arie and lauren will be with us a little later on. from time to time, as you know, we shine a light on some of the harsh words posted on social media about famous people. people and you know don't necessarily love. so tonight we turn our focus to musicians and bands in our fourth ever all music edition of mean tweets. >> jonas was cute back when he was with the jonas brothers and now he looks like a ferret. >> he'll stop in the middle of sex because he got chilly. >> he makes music for obnoxious white bridal parties drunkenly sbuk a denny's and ruin everyone's evening. >> watching alice cooper and all i can think of is he looks like
ball sack with face paint on. that's fair. >> they're the musical equivalent to >> he is the pottery barn of rappers. >> like honestly saying, it is your favorite band is like saying i'm okay living with herpes. >> use anti-friz and now it looks like him. >> water because. by tlc. has to be the worst song about water falls ever. >> that's like some natural earth. >> the comic, they're both entirely overused. >> looking like a bowl of spaghetti. that's awesome. that's awesome. >> i would rather be homeless and watch two cats bang in an
alley than watch a ludicrous concert. >> it is as if a flaccid penis can kind of sing. this is riddled with mistakes. >> he is ugly. good night. >> it looks like [ bleep ]. i had three babies. >> lol. megan trainor looks like that girl my parents would force me to listen to if i were white. >> if you're a guy and you're listening, reach in and pull your balls back down. >> i left more talent in my toilet this morning than green day has ever had. green day sucks [ bleep ]. i'm glad that you're thinking about us while you're taking dumps. we're doing something right. >> we'll think about you while we're -- [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: thanks, everybody. tonight on the show, music from
>> jimmy: yeah! tonight on the show, fresh from the most dramatic and necessary "after the final rose" show ever, bachelor arie and lauren b are here to explain all of it. it's so complicated. i just hope we're able to sort it all out. then, the album is called "california sunrise," jon pardi from the mercedes-benz stage. tomorrow night we have a nice show. we'll have music from lord huron. on thursday, kathie griffin and the high flying birds. so please join us for that. >> jimmy: our first guest can do it all. he acts, he sings, dances, hosts, does magic tricks, and if you hand him a ball with holes in it, he'll bowl a perfect game. he has two tv shows, "genius junior" on nbc and "a series of unfortunate events" on netflix. >> oh, bless you.
>> thank you. there is something in this room that is not hander can chif. >> the orphans, perhaps. >> yes, i'll allergic to orphans. their ashes. it clumped up my whole -- what's the word for it? >> jimmy: please say hello to neil patrick harris. ♪ >> thank you! >> jimmy: i like that character. that whole look, actually. >> i love doing that series, unfortunate events. they give us creative freedom and we're right in the middle of it. we're in the middle of season three and there are only three seasons. what you see, it launches later
this month. i do all kinds of crazy characters and i get to play count olaf which is incredibly nefarious and disturbing. my nays are long. >> jimmy: you have long nails. that's for the character? >> for the show. press on nails would be super weird. it's not fun when i wake up and have accidentally scratched my forehead. and have like a harry potter lightning bolt. >> jimmy: do you chew on them now? >> no. i try to do nothing. >> jimmy: is that helping your magic is the. >> no. and now i can't play the ukulele. >> jimmy: you've really sacrificed forgot role. >> i sure have. i dig deep. >> jimmy: how is it going? >> yeah. >> jimmy: thank you for filling in with me when i was with my son at the hospital. i appreciated that. and you did a great job. >> thank you. i have to say, every one loves
you here. >> i was going to pay it back to you. doing this show is super fun but i was most impressed in an environment where you would assume there's repetition, repetition, ground hog day always, over and over. this crew universally appreciates you and values what you do so much. >> jimmy: that's nice. can i just say, in fairness, they're all related to me in some way. >> that's not true. my friend cris one of the prop guys. and even he -- >> jimmy: my uncle. no. i want to thank you you. >> you should know that. this is the kind of thing with i'm at home, i wonder if the host is a [ bleep ]. right? and most of the time i think they probably are. but -- and you don't like to do animal segments.
>> i love the animal segments. >> jimmy: that was a double win for me. nothing against animals. i'm just very, very scared of the animals. and i also imagine myself humiliating myself in some way as a result of being scared of the animals. >> dude, i ended the show saying good night everyone with a frog on my face. and he then proceeded to take a dump on my face. he like excreted -- >> jimmy: that's a real frog. even though it looks like a happy meal toy. >> jimmy: is it a good idea to lick a frog? >> i don't remember anything for three days. >> jimmy: speaking of had a loose in aer to, you hosted the oscars three years ago. was it three is that what do you remember most? >> i really enjoyed the experience. i think the act of being a host, and btw, tonight buttkiss but you are terrific doing it.
>> jimmy: oh, stop. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you've done enough. >> i'll saying as someone who hosted the show before, watching you do it. it's hard to not be impartial. i know what goes on in the commercial breaks. you spend a lot of time working on the material and questioning, whether this will work and then someone does a really long speech so you have to say we she cut this and something funny happened. you're kind of calling audibles a lot. >> jimmy: that you know as a result you are magazine named your opening the number one opening of all time. of all 90 years. [ cheers and applause ] that's -- is that something that you even will look at and it will make -- >> i never watched back any of it. >> jimmy: i never do either. >> did i my show and i thought while we were doing it that it went really well. i had talked to billy crystal of
the the advice he gave me as the show goes on, the voom filling one 4/5 losers. not as people but who didn't get award. so their adrenaline is juiced and it doesn't happen and they are now kind of sanguine. so his advice was, as the show goes on, do less bits and less jokes that start getting into the award because people are not having fun. i'm having fun. and three quarters of the way through people are having a great time. nicole kidman giving me thumbs up. oprah was happy. >> jimmy: that's all you need. >> i felt like it was great. at the end i stayed up all night to do a show in the morning in that very theater. i stayed up all night. i happened to, right before i went on stage, i checked twitter. a little ego boost. what's going on? uniform hatred. >> jimmy: you must not do that.
we just saw mean tweets. we know why twitter exists. it is not to pay compliments. >> but you can just zing back with a tweet. >> jimmy: only in the president's case. tell me about the game show you're doing. genius junior. >> i'm executive producing and the host. it takes three taexs super smart kids that we found from around america between 8 and 14. and i challenge them with super smart questions. and they compete against each to be the geniuses. >> jimmy: do they know you played a genius junior? >> no idea sflooflt so they're not that smart really. [ applause ] >> they're remarkably smart. the thing we task them to do is to spell words in 60 seconds
backwards. and as fast as you can their word, they just spit out the letters. it is unbelievable. >> jimmy: really! this show is designed to make parents feel bad about their own children. >> i feel the opposite. i think there are so many people that highlight what no one can do. i find this is aspirational. parents can watch and they can could things they can't but families can watch it together. these are things if you study harder and if you did it, in this news cycle, in this world of being berated by negative story lines, i think it is cool to have a show that families can watch together. kids can be inspired by. >> jimmy: i think what neil is saying, if you don't like the kids, don't tweet mean things about they will. it is very good to see you. it is great that you have thought going. on the show is called a series of under fortunate events. it starts march 30th.
we'll be right back. hey siri, play me something i'd like. siri: ok ♪we stayed up all night watching the comedy show♪ ♪i'm fascinated for the time being♪ ♪we can laugh until the morning ♪or we can dance in the hallway ♪only one more night in los angeles♪ ♪i really thought that i can handle it♪ ♪but the funny thing is we can never stay here♪ ♪i didn't think this day would happen♪ ♪i'mma ride it 'til it's over ♪i'mma ride it 'til it's over ♪ride ♪i'mma ride ♪i'mma ride it 'til it's over ♪
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we're alaska airlines. and we don't just fly lumberjacks to glaciers. we fly app developers to mexico city. novelists to nashville. and pilates instructors to palm springs. sure, we love a good glacier. but we also like a little cocoa butter. >> jimmy: welcome back. arie and lauren and music from jon pardi is on the way but first, here's a question. do you enjoy entertainment? you do, right?
well, the next time you're in las vegas, consider an mgm resort. but know that if you do, there may be side effects. >> so what brings you in today? >> drop jaw. bug eyes. >> have you spent any time at mgm in las vegas? >> wow! >> have you experienced anything eye popping or spine tingling? >> how were your crab cakes? >> terrific. my spine is tingling. >> and here's your seafood tower. >> have you seen any amazing performances?
♪ >> well, i have no idea what you've been singing but i prescribe a weekend at mgm resorts in las vegas. and take these. you may be frightening the children. >> the world's leading producer of jaw dropping entertainment. mgm resorts. >> jimmy: we are going to send, i just got word from the executives. we are going to send our birthday girl in the audience to the mgm resort to make some friends. we'll be right back with the bachelor and lauren.
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the rest of his life with and then changed his mind and chose the other one. here to explain the whole thing, please welcome bachelor arie and lauren b. s [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: may i see your ring, first of all? so did neil lane have to come up with two of these? >> did he. >> jimmy: you didn't give the other one back. >> would you have second it if you knew that it was the original harpring arie gave becca? >> definitely not. >> jimmy: would you have known right away? >> i haven't seen it. >> jimmy: did you know everyone would be so mad in everyone so mad. my wife was really mad at you. i sit there going, i don't know
what's going on. am i supposed to be mad toorgs? >> are you mad because your pick was wrong? >> jimmy: my pick was not wrong. i believe you will pick becca kay will! okay? okay. so before we get to whether i was right or wrong which i'm only going to be settling for i was right. what was going on? >> that was literally the week that i ran back to lauren. so i was in this crazy mental state. i was freaking out. and i knew that there would be some back lash. but it's worth it. i'm so in love with her and i'll so happy and it was worth it. >> do you feel like it was worth it? >> i do. >> did you date anyone in that time when you were separated? >> no. i didn't. >> jimmy: would you tell us if you had? >> i would not.
>> jimmy: you were really devastated that you weren't with arie. did you have any second thoughts, oh, wow, this guy, is not necessarily -- maybe he's not making the right decision here and maybe i don't trust it. >> did i second-guess it at first and we definitely talked about it. >> jimmy: what did your family say? >> they support anything do i. they're very happy for us. >> jimmy: they don't want to be bothered? >> i was a little scared of her dad. >> jimmy: how did that go with her dad? >> he was okay. wow, okay. >> jimmy: so were you in touch while you were with glaek? >> i was struggling. >> jimmy: remember, you're under oath. >> i was struggling right off the bat and i said i'm having a tough time with this. do you mind if i text her? that's when i first reached out
to lauren. >> jimmy: and becca didn't freak out and say yes, i mind. >> this is such a crazy experience to go from this heart break, there big break-up, to do a proposal on the same day. for me that wasn't very natural. when you talk to other bachelors, they're like, you'll be fine. give it some time. >> jimmy: but they all break one the women they propose to. you can't listen to them. >> jimmy: why after feeling like that was a mistake to do that, it was a mistake. did you turn around and get engaged tonight? what rush are you in? i know you were a race car driver but slow the hell down already. >> we spent the last few months together. we're ready to move on with our lives. >> jimmy: how many months has it been? >> two. two and a half months. >> jimmy: that's not a few. three is a few. two is a couple. so will you wait a little while?
i'm going to tell you something. if i was advising you, i would say if you propose now, you'll get the ring for free. so maybe that's a good idea. and then you can figure out if you're really getting married a little later. but are you going to get player right away? or are you just going to discuss it because it happened like half an hour ago. >> we've been planning our wedding already. >> jimmy: you've been flange wedding. really! you're not wasting any time at all. so this was not a surprise to you on the show. >> she didn't know when it was going to happen. >> i had hints. >> and you're moving to arizona. to his snarmt. >> in. >> jimmy: did you see how it was decorated? will you be redoing all of that? >> i may tweak it a little. >> jimmy: will any of the women from this bachelor be invited to
the wedding? >> yes. >> jimmy: did that worry you at all? i know they like you a lot and they made that very, very clear. did it worry you when you saw them all going, this guy, he's manipulative. he'll say whatever he wants to say to your face. >> i haven't seen any of it. but no. it doesn't worry me. >> jimmy: well, wait until you see it. have you been watching the season as a couple? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how did that go? there were times we saw our date on tv. man, they didn't show this or that. >> jimmy: forget your date. how about the other dates? how did those go? >> how did those go, honey? >> there were some questions. >> jimmy: what kind of questions? i can't imagine anything more uncomfortable than sitting there and watching myself just completely full of on it a date, who knows what will happen and
then sitting there reviewing it. it is like the movie, defending your life. >> i would say something and she would look at me and say really? >> jimmy: i think that's a good sign for your future. it doesn't seem like you're particularly critical. >> no. >> jimmy: you could have married anybody. so you guys are really in love. for sure this time. >> for sure. >> jimmy: when he goes to a restaurant, does he say i'll have the halibut and then say, hey, i want to change it to the chicken? >> we haven't been to one yet. >> jimmy: you haven't been to a restaurant? you should definitely get married right away. i wish you the best. mr. and mrs. we'll be right back with jon pardi. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: i want to thank neil patrick harris, arie and lauren and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time for him tonight. "nightline" is next, but first his album is called "california sunrise" here with the song "heartache on the dance floor," jon pardi! ♪ ♪ yeah i was just hangin out some little west coast town found a bar out by the sand so i made my way in ♪ ♪ first thing that caught my eye like nothing i'd ever seen ♪ ♪ sunburned auburn air the california dream ♪ ♪ yeah she was shaking them hips to some old motown song ♪ ♪ i couldn't say anything so i sang along ♪ she was a heartache on the dance floor
yeah she's moving through my mind ♪ ♪ i gotta know her name and i gotta see her again she's got me wondering yeah i'm just wondering ♪ ♪ where she at where she at where she at tonight ♪ ♪ where she at where she at where she at tonight ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so i just hung around this little west coast town i dropped by every night i stayed till closing time ♪ ♪ my little mystery that girl is killing me so i put on a song just to sing along ♪ ♪ she was a heartache on the dance floor yeah she's moving through my mind ♪
♪ i gotta know her name and i gotta see her again she's got me wondering yeah i'm just wondering ♪ ♪ where she at where she at where she at tonight ♪ ♪ where she at where she at where she at tonight ♪ ♪ she's got me mesmerized she's all i'm thinking about all i think about think about think about ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so i'm right here right now humming this little song ♪ ♪ if i could say a thing i'd want you to know ♪ ♪ you were a heartache on the dance floor yeah you're moving through my mind ♪ ♪ i gotta know your name
i gotta see you again and if you're listening listening listening ♪ ♪ where you at where you at where you at at where you at where you at tonight ♪ ♪ girl i'm hanging around this little town yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ where you at where you at where you at tonight ♪ ♪ where you at where you at where you at tonight ♪ ♪ woah oh oh woah oh oh ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
this is "nightline." tonight bachelor love triangle. after the shocking unproposal, arie and becca coming face to face for the first time. why were not you fully honest? >> and the emotional recoupling that could last forever. >> but it is the twist ending that is setting social media on fire. plus, the other view. outnumber bud still outspoken. >> i'm a big second amendment person. i am an nra member. >> talking about her off air relationships. her family