tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 29, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
jimmy kimmel live, academy award >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- oscar winner kobe bryant comedian mike epps. this week in unnecessary censorship. and music from noel gallagher's high flying birds. and now, ste and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] hi there. thank you for coming to the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] it's beautiful and sunny in southern california. i'm glad you're here. we are very lucky to have the weather we've been having
because the east coast is digging out from another big storm. flights were cancelled, schools were closed, people were trapped in their houses all day and night unable to go out. melania trump was like, now you know what i go three every day [ laughter ] by the way where is melania trump? i think we have seen snooki more than melania. but donald trump him, he was very busy at the white house today. he had a big surprise for everyone. so this really just happened. i will try to summarize. south korea officials delivered a letter from kim jong-un leader of north korea to promise to meet with donald trump to halt his missile test so the north korea leader extended an olive branch which is all they have to eat there [ laughter ] the president was so excited he went into the white house press room where he had never gone before, to tell reporters off the record.
they're like we can't do it off the record. [ laughter ] we're in the press room. and then so then he announced there will be a major announcement without even telling his own staff they were caught off guard again. it is really something like the uncle you know will blow the surprise party so everyone keeps it quiet. here's the announcement from the south korea security advisor. >> i would like to thank president trump, the vice president and wonderful national security team including my close friend general mcmaster. i say president trump his leadership and maximum pressure policy together with international solid airity hold us through this juncture. i express president moon's gratitude for president trump's leadership. >> okay that's a good start because flattery will get you everywhere with the president.
>> president trump appreciated the briefing and said he would meet kim jong-un by may. >> by may? [ laughter ] he's not still going to be president by may. [ cheers and applause ] this needs to happen by wednesday. imagine kim jong-un meeting donald trump the two worst haircuts in the world together [ laughter ] wonder if they will invite dennis rodman he is a mutual friend. you know those two will hit it off. president trump will be saying kim jong-un very nice guy. like jimenez a lot. like him a lot. maybe could lead to next celebrity a apprentice. who knows where this could lead. it's never dull. it's never dull. other interesting news from north korea today, their state-run tv is launching a
bunch of new soap operas. i get nervous when i hear," north korea's launching" but this one the soap opera will have themes of patriotism and loyalty in times of war. i think first get electricity otherwise the audience is limited. some of the soap operas have a familiar ring. miserable days of our lives. one life to not live. general hospital with insufficient resources. and even a version of a popular american sitcom over there, it's two and half rodman. while none of the new soap operas are on the air yet they released a sneak preview of the big one. looks pretty good to me. >> i want bread. >> i want bread. >> i want bread. >> i want bread.
ah. >> i want b r ee e ad. >> i am bread. >> the young and the breadless. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: because they -- maybe i need to explain, because they have no bread over there. meanwhile this stormy daniels hush it investigation continues on. this is interesting, since trump took office there's been a renewed focus on abstinence sex ed for kids, $75 million funded for sex ed programs. we got hands on the pamphlet let's look. when a man gets married and loves a porn star very much he strips down to tighty whiteys and a golf shirt and begs a woman to have sex with him on exchange for a spot on a reality
show. while having sex be sure to tell her how great you are at it. if your face is on a magazine have her spank you with her and most importantly after sex get her to autograph a dvd and have a body guard to escort her out have your lawyer threaten her with a restraining order. congratulations. you just made sex. don't ever do it again [ laughter ] that's a message from the trump administration [ cheers and applause ] i didn't need abstinence i didn't need abstinence education i just played clarinet it did the trick. over the years on this show we have rarely seen cameras capture something as satisfying as this. >> a man charged with a third dwi after hit by his own car. >> yeah it was caught on camera as he tried to run away from police.
30-year-old isaac bunsu charged with hit and run failing to stop for officers and other traffic violations. he got out of the car to run but didn't put the car in park. >> that's not a hit and run, it's a run and hit. [ laughter ] he'll probably sue himself. [ cheers and applause ] there's going to be quite the battle at the box office this weekend as "black panther" takes on oprah's new movie, wrinkle in time based off a popular novel. yaya has nothing to do so here he is talking about the movie "a wrinkle in time". ♪ >> hi it's me yaya talking about the new movie, the new movie behind me is called walking? walking in time. the movie talk about the magic, that oprah is like the magic woman she like the queen, she's
nice lady. i got two pictures with her. oprah do a lot of movies. did the movie with the corge walker and clean the house. the movie with wubby goldberg on the farm. this krip he's fine. they have a lot of actor. the lady with the blue something on her hat, hill kill. the actor there with the head. and i like that girl with the red hair. spoon. she do the movie it's called camping. [ laughter ] spoon is also in the movie erection. with marcus pointer. >> with who? >> i don't know who? >> matthew brian. >> oh, matthew brian. the movie like is called go with the car and you go back and change the time.
you know. [ laughter ] the guy, the short guy you know, the name of animal michael, something, go watch the movie, trust me and believe me! it's good movie! oprah in the movie and spoon. don't watch the movie, up to you. i don't care. this is good movie. cut! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: either do or don't go see the movie i'm still not sure but thank you. we're going to take a break and come back from the break, these two families are snowed in. they are on the east coast. tonight we will have a snowed in scavenger hunt next. stick around we'll be right back [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: abc "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by -- you tell your insurance company they made a mistake. the check they sent isn't enough to replace your totaled new car.
the guy says they didn't make the mistake. you made the mistake. i beg your pardon? he says, you should have chosen full-car replacement. excuse me? let me be frank, he says: you picked the wrong insurance plan. 'no. i picked the wrong insurance company.' with liberty mutual new car replacement™, we'll replace the full value of your car plus depreciation. liberty stands with you™. liberty mutual insurance. ♪ i'♪ watch me go. ker. ♪ ♪ i'm a big rule breaker. ♪ ♪ let it go. ♪ i'll see you at the top ♪ ♪ and i'm never gonna stop. ♪ ♪ yeah i'm one of a kind. ♪ ♪ gonna walk my own line. ♪ ♪ individual. ♪ ♪ i'm an individual. ♪ ♪
♪ protect your pet with the #1 name in flea and tick protection. frontline plus. trusted by vets for nearly 20 years. this was the diet pepsi and looks good in a can,ay. in a bottle, or in extreme close-up. this is the diet pepsi your mom drank when she was young. and drinks now that she's... don't you dare! and drinks now that she's... this is the diet pepsi that is always the right one. ♪...nausea, heartburn,♪ indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!♪
♪nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!♪ here's pepto bismol! ah. ♪nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!♪ ♪ at&t gives you more for your thing. your snapping pics all day, all night thing. your getting the low-light, just right thing. ♪ introducing the samsung galaxy s9 with low light camera. now 50% off. more for your thing. that's our thing. this weekend at kohl's! and take an extra 20% off! carter's dresses are just $17.60! van heusen dress shirts are $27.99! save on lc lauren conrad dresses and samsonite luggage! plus get kohl's cash! everything for easter - kohl's cash for you! kohl's!
you want "streaming all you your favorite showsy. on the fastest internet" easy. you want "internet that helps you save on mobile" easy. you want "the best wifi you can pause with a tap." see? easy. time for bed. you want xfinity because it makes your life... simple. easy. awesome. get started with xfinity internet for $40 a month for 2 full years when you sign up for tv. plus, get 3x the speed of at&t and directv. click, call or visit a store today. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight on the show music from noel gallagher's high flying birds. but but first winter storm quinn or winter storm quionea is freezing the east coast. roads are closed.
people are huddled together for warmth. we thought it would be fun with a pair of families that are stuck at home. time for the snowed in scavenger hunt. first joining us live from cisco, socrates, new york family [ cheers and applause ] hi guys. so was school cancelled today. >> no we went today. >> jimmy: oh, you went today. what is your dog wearing? >> super hero. >> jimmy: what's your dog's name? >> r ufus. >> jimmy: that is one of the all-time classic dog names. and your name is the hemsworth family that lives in hollywood. >> that's right. >> jimmy: yes are you friends of the mighty thor. >> very much fans, even as a child was a fan. >> jimmy: i would think so. maybe one of you will grow up to marry miley cyrus.
who knows? >> what's that? [ laughter ] so you took some pictures of the snow outside your house. that's the view from the window of your home so we can see you are in deed snowed in. so you will be playing against a family from auburn, massachusetts the markowitz family, [ cheers and applause ] hi guys. >> hi. >> jimmy: how long have you been snowed in? >> two days. >> jimmy: and is a you been home from school, kids. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you got one up on the kids in the other town. you have photos of the snow there too. let's look at those. is that your swimming pool in the back. >> it is, it is, yep. >> jimmy: well say hello to each other. you will be competing against each other. >> hi. >> hi. >> jimmy: bitter rivals these families. [ laughter ] it's a feud that goes back to three minutes ago.
the rules are simple. it's a scavenger hunt. i'm going to ask you to find something or do something your job is to find it or do it. i'll be the final judge. got it. >> got it. >> jimmy: you ready to play? >> we are. >> jimmy: okay. first round bring back all hair brushes in your house. most hair brushes win. ha, ha, ha. all right. there we go. yeah, there's that. okay. all right. you got them all already. hemsworth family hold them up, count them. one, two,three, four, is that a hair brush or a sex toy? i don't know. [ laughter ] seven hair brushes. and markowitz's how many do you have.
>> there's one, two,three. four. >> jimmy: yeah. >> five, six. >> jimmy: uh-oh. >> seven. >> jimmy: we have a tie. oh, my gosh. [ applause ] well, i don't know how to handle it. in the event of a tie we should give it to the family that has a bald guy in it. [ laughter ] all right we're giving that one to the markowitz's. you're next challenge is go find and come back with the dumbest thing in your house. the single dumbest thing. everybody knows what it is. dumbest thing in the house. whoever comes back with the dumbest item wins. this is where i would show my parents my report card. markowitz family what is your
dumb item. >> a cue cumbersome condom. >> jimmy: it's a what? >> it keeps cucumber in there. >> just put it in there. >> jimmy: and stretches the length of the cucumber. >> it might? >> jimmy: okay should kids be handling that? all right hemsworth family what's the dumbest item in your house? which will you settle on. pink head phones. a blond wig. what is that a transformer head? i'm giving this one to the markowitz family. i'm sorry. but [ applause ] all right. one more challenge guys. bring back the biggest snow ball you can make. the biggest snow ball. run outside make a ball of snow.
[ cheers and applause ] oh, smart the markowitz' -- see this is where if we were think ago head, kids lock the doors when mom and dad go outside. ha ha ha. i do enjoy looking in people's houses just kind of unfiltered. hey what's going on? how you doing? ha, ha, ha. maybe i better go help with the snow ball. what happened? that's a good looking snow ball hemsworth family a nice size ball of snow. here comes the markowitz family with an even bigger ball of snow. this is a clean sweep for the markowitz family. but no one goes home -- no one stays home empty handed. you're all winners because each of you will receive a huge prize
package tell them what they won. >> the hemsworths and markowitz will each receive new snow blower and slankts for everyone. >> wow congratulations to both our families. thanks for playing snowed in scavenger hunt. music from noel gallagher's high flying birds. mike epps is here, and we'll be right back with oscar winner kobe bryant. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ oh, sprint plus... intern. clever, right? i was just... ...looking at getting an amazing iphone 8? they have an all glass design, advanced cameras, a11 bionic chip. uh...i'm going to... yeah, now you're going to give your second phone to your new friend. wow, paul, oh my gosh that's amazing! (vo) and now, get one iphone 8 and give a second one on us. or, get the unrivaled iphone 10 now for just $20/mo. that's 50% off. switch to sprint today to get the best price for unlimited. for people with hearing loss visit sprintrelay.com.
♪ happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. a delicious chew that protects for an entire month. ask your vet for more information. reported side effects include vomiting and itching. nexgard. the vet's #1 choice. ♪ me and my friends, thwe know the score ♪ ♪ c'mon everybody take a stop out on the floor ♪ ♪ say cheese if you gotta toy, gotta boy, gotta girl ♪ save $10 when you spend $50 on groceries, at target. expect more. pay less.
at ikea, we believe that everything you need should be within reach. that anything that matches your taste can match your budget. that green living doesn't have to cost much green. we believe that you should always have room for the little things. and that your dream kitchen should work as hard as you do. ikea family members get 15% back when you spend $2000 or more at the ikea kitchen event. and financing is now available with the ikea projekt credit card.
♪ >> jimmy: hey we're back to the show. tonight a very funny man with a very funny new memoir called, "unsuccessful thug: one comedian's journey from naptown to tinseltown," mike epps is with us tonight [ cheers and applause ] then, the album is called "who built the moon," noel gallagher's high flying birds from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] but first in tonight is a legendary laker who is three years ahead of the hall of fame. and on the way there, he picked up an oscar for best animated short, it is called "dear basketball" please say hello to kobe bryant. ♪
>> jimmy: welcome. congratulations. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: i love that you're carrying it around. >> i mean what in the hell. >> jimmy: have you been carrying it around. >> i mean, i'm still tripping about it. >> jimmy: i would think so. you probably thought you were done winning awards right? >> yeah i hadn't won a championship in a really, really long time so here we are. >> jimmy: this is unbelievable it really is, you now have more oscars than shaq and michael jordan combined. [ cheers and applause ] >> "space jam" and "kazam" were both awesome though. in their own ways. this is just fantastic. >> jimmy: i don't think i've ever seen you this happy. i have to say. >> this is not supposed to happen. i'm supposed to play basketball >> jimmy: will you be going for a grammy?
what's next? >> i know my limitations. i don't even sound good in a shower. i'll let that be. >> jimmy: okay. all right. so you're at the oscars, siting there, i was thinking about you for lot of the night because i'm wondering, like, how it compares to playing basketball. like, are you nervous-wise how does it compare sitting waiting to hear your name or maybe not hear your name and being the guy taking the last shot. >> yeah i thought it was going to be easier. you're not in control. there's no direct competition where you are affecting the outcome. >> jimmy: it's completely out of your control. >> it's going to be easy, it's cool, it gets closer and closer you are feeling butterflies and i'm like why the hell am i feeling this. then i realize it's worse because i'm not in control of the outcome. just siting there. we know our award is coming up next. they go to commercial. me and my wife were like you got to be kidding. let's go.
>> jimmy: your collaborator director and animator gave most of the speech. everyone was hoping to hear from you. you got to say a little something. was that the plan. >> glen is sweetest guy in the world but a story teller at heart so things tend to drag out a bit. i didn't know this but they have the biggest count down clock in the world. >> jimmy: yeah. >> like right in front of you. 45, 44. it's like massive numbers. >> jimmy: and you are getting it in before the clock expires. >> i'm used to it. count down, shot, the buzzer. >> jimmy: everyone else is like looking at the clock. >> glen gave me the ball, passed the ball with five seconds left on the clock. i was like. what the hell am i supposed to do with five seconds. >> jimmy: what didn't you get to say? >> the most important part i got
out, thanks my wife and daughters. that's most important thing. >> jimmy: for sure. >> outside of that i think this is a fascinating industry to be part of it. i think for us going forward it's how do we -- how do i carry this night beyond this night. >> jimmy: that's always how you think. >> it has to be. now there's a greater sense of responsibility. how do i create -- how do i provide more opportunities for even more diverse and new voices to be heard in this industry. >> jimmy: i see. >> in the animation business there's serious lack of diversity i won the award the other night as the first african-american to win that award in that category. [ cheers and applause ] there's a lot of work that needs to be done and i'm extremely excited. the studios we're excited to push that forward. >> jimmy: yeah that's a good way to look at it.
is acting something you want to do? >> no. i don't have the patience for that. i would rather write and put the story together. >> jimmy: almost every actor i spoke to, a lot of them came through after various oscar events were most excited that you were there. for instance timothée chalamet was actually like kind of -- shocked that you would even take a moment to get in the background of his photo graph. and this is francis i don't know who is more excited to meet who there. there seems to be a lot of mutual admiration. was there anybody there besides obviously that was exciting that you couldn't believe you were talking to. >> yeah alisson is incredible able. for us personally meeting her
mighty grainger was like. >> oh, really, you love hary potter. >> she's transitioned out. >> jimmy: but not you. >> i met her when i was really, really young. she came to a lakers game but to see her there was pretty cool. >> jimmy: what parties did you guys go to afterwards? >> so we did vanity fair? yeah, the vanity fair party. >> jimmy: i have a little present for you. don't know if you whether use it but i want you to have it. i think this will be great. this is for oscar not for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> that is awesome. >> jimmy: if you win another oscar maybe just want to change it out. >> that's so sweet. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kobe bryant will be right back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. i'm glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. for some, lyrica delivers effective relief from moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain, and improves function. lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions, suicidal thoughts or actions. tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior, swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever, tired feeling, or blurry vision. common side effects: dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs and feet. don't drink alcohol while taking lyrica. don't drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. those who've had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. with less pain i can do more with my family. talk to your doctor today. see if lyrica can help. talk to your doctor today.
pepsi has always had great taste. today, try great taste with zero sugar. this is the pepsi with zero compromising. this is pepsi zero sugar. oveso try febreze one toers gently clean away odors. with no aerosols and no heavy perfumes. so you can spray and stay. febreze one. ♪ happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. a delicious chew that protects for an entire month. ask your vet for more information. reported side effects include vomiting and itching. nexgard. the vet's #1 choice.
(grunt) (thud) (alert chime) (crash, honk) driver: it's almond, with an "l". ♪ at&t gives you more for your thing. your snapping pics all day, all night thing. your getting the low-light, just right thing. ♪ introducing the samsung galaxy s9 with low light camera. now 50% off. more for your thing. that's our thing. (music) [glass squeaking] [marker squeaking] (music)
internet. but not just [ any internet.] it's "you've never gamed with speed like this" internet. it's "all your teenagers streaming at once" internet. it's "i can get up to one, two, three, four, five mobile lines included?" internet! it's internet from xfinity that makes your life simple. easy. awesome. get started with xfinity internet for $40 a month for 2 full years when you sign up for tv. plus, get 3x the speed of at&t and directv. click, call or visit a store today. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back, kobe bryant has an oscar now. and you have a new show with an interesting concept tell us about the show. >> it's called "detail" the idea is helping the next generation of basketball players.
you can take them on the court and show exercises and skills, things like that but most important thing is studying the game. learned from some of the greatest minds like phil jackson how to watch film and study. it's about taking on the personality of a player be it james harden, kevin durant whoever the case may be and this is how i would watch this game if i was them. >> so you day of the game, night of the game you sit and watch the game. >> watch the game and pull the clips, want this and that clip and immediately after the game put those clippers together and i break down the action. if i was kevin durant in this particular defensive action is giving me trouble i have to try to figure out why and try to figure out what that counter is, everything from foot work to balance. >> jimmy: interesting you put yourself in the mind of that player?
>> yes. >> jimmy: saying what you would do or what they would do. >> if i was them this is how i'd be watching the fimt. what i would be looking for. >> jimmy: i see. i got you. interesting. what's the number one thing when watching film that you look for, if there's one tip above all. >> most important thing when watching film you have to check the ego at the door. you're not looking for any in particular but seeing everything. can't come in with the idea okay i generally know what i will see, because your mind will start looking for that thing. >> jimmy: you have to look with a blank slate. >> clean canvas and look to figure out why things didn't work and how to make it work better next time against this particular action. >> i watched your conversation with shaq you sat and talked for like an hour. >> was so good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: imagine it was fun. >> yeah. >> jimmy: if you haven't seen it should definitely watch it. had you and shaq sat down and talked before? >> no we never had time to do
that. >> jimmy: you would have the time but gives you an excuse. >> gives you a reason to do it not going to call me up like let's go to starbucks and have a chat. no bro i got [ bleep ] to do. >> jimmy: did you feel good after that? >> it was awesome. >> jimmy: seemed good. it made me feel good like oh, good glad these guys are getting along. you were very candid. you talked about a fist fight. >> that was nut. >> jimmy: who threw the first punch. >> he did. i couldn't reach him. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i saw this big fist it was literally this big. during the interview i picked up his hand looked at the sizemore of his hand like i must have been the craziest 19-year-old in the world. it is what it is. so he threw a punch i threw one back and everyone jumped in and broke it apart. >> jimmy: i wouldn't have jumped anywhere near that.
>> at that point you say either beat the hell of me but you will know i'm not going to back down. and we kept playing because it was during scrimmage. >> jimmy: i see. afterwards in school if you get in a fight with a guy you become closer in a way. did that happen at all? >> well, no. [ laughter ] because we were scrimmaging and his team was up 5-2 and game goes to 7 so after the fight i got real pissed and scored every point and won the game and so i let him know about it. >> jimmy: i hope you don't do that to the other filmmakers. >> no, no. >> jimmy: well it's great to have you here. the show is called "detail" premiers this spring exclusively on espn plus. kobe bryant everybody, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
buy a galaxy s9 get one free at verizon. ♪ ♪ this puppy had nothing on the new glad forceflex plus advanced protection kitchen bag. it's glad's strongest, toughest, most leak resistant bag. be happy, it's glad. ♪ protect your pet with the #1 name in flea and tick protection. frontline plus. trusted by vets for nearly 20 years. ♪ ♪ you are many different things in one amazing package,
are cream conditioners bringing your hair down? switch to new pantene light as air foam conditioner, full of rich pro-v nutrients. for 100% conditioning, 0% weight. new pantene. foam conditioner. ♪ last night took a l, but tonight i what's an l? ♪ the rap singer took a loss and now he's ok again. right. yeah you can get a mortgage that avoids pmi, but there's no way to avoid mip on... . hey! this'll help. rocket mortgage by quicken loans makes the complex simple. so, origination fees... this takes care of it, thank you. understand the details and get approved in as few as 8 minutes. by america's largest mortgage lender. bounce back, right right right, i get it now. ♪ i woke up in beast mode, with my girl that's... ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest might not be an oscar-winner or a 5-time nba champion, but he did once call 911 on himself, which is very solid. you can read about that and other incidents galore in his new memoir, "unsuccessful thug: one comedian's journey from naptown to tinseltown." please welcome mike epps. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> good to see you jimmy. >> jimmy: would your high school teachers be surprised you wrote a book. >> oh, man they probably hope they ain't in it. >> jimmy: "nap town" is part of indianapolis or is that its nickname for indianapolis itself. >> it is, we call it nap town because people be sleeping on us. you know. >> jimmy: you grew up in a very rough neighborhood? >> i did i grew up on the east side of indianapolis. we had some characteristics in my neighborhood. >> jimmy: like who? >> we had a three-legged dog, i didn't know his name. there was a guy in our neighborhood named shoe prks oo that used to he stole a lot around the neighborhood. one time true story there were some kids trapped in a fire and the fire was so bad that the fire department showed you and told the parents the fire was too bad they couldn't go in and save the other kid and shoe poo was walking down the street and he said no, no, and the cops
tried to grab them and he snatched away from the kids ran up in the house everybody quiet, scared, they like oh, man he's going to lose his life. about ten minutes later he came out with all three of them kids on his back. >> jimmy: wow. >> made the fire department look horrible. he was breathing hard,no, there's more people, he went back in the house, this time he was going in there to steal some stuff [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i hope he got some stuff. >> yeah he seen some stuff he wanted while he was helping the kids out the house. ha,ha. >> jimmy: i mentioned you called 911 on yourself what circumstance could that possibly be? >> well you know before i got into showbiz i was in a couple
criminal activities here and there and i was young about 15, 16, we had broke in a house, you know, me and a friend of mine. this was in the suburbs we didn't break into inner city houses because wasn't nothing in them. so we broke in a house and got all of the vcrs this was during vcr time. we had cable boxes xd microwave stuff at the door. we was about to leave. the whole time we was there there was a germany an shepard in the house that wasn't bothering us. he was watching us. we was patting him. we got to the door he start growling. i said man it's me. so he chased us, me and my friend ran upstairs into the bedroom an didn't know what to do. um, so, i called the police. [ laughter ] said i broke in somebody's house y'all need to come and get me right now.
>> jimmy: is this mcgruff the crime dog. what's going on? wow that is something else. and all was well. >> all was well. >> jimmy: didn't comedy save you from prison really? >> it really did. you know, comedy has really, really saved my life in general because i couldn't keep a job. i didn't graduate. i tried to go to the military. after i took that test couldn't get the recruiter back on the phone. comedy really did save my life,jimmy. >> jimmy: that's amazing. >> it is. it was a job a way to make money. a lot of people are in showbiz because they want to be, i'm in it because i need dish washing liquid and bread and pay my bills. >> jimmy: how many kids you have? >> i have four beautiful daughters. >> jimmy: so what if one was to
bring home a young gentleman like you were at that age, would you understand? >> well that really happened. my daughter brought a guy in the house that looked just like me and i told her please don't bring me in this house [ laughter ] because i said, if you anything like i was, i'm gonna kill you. so i mean, i'm fortunate, i smoke a little marijuana here and there and i didn't have none that night and i was looking at this kid and said i'm going to try something, god forgive me, i said you smoke weed, he said no, i said okay. i knew he was lying. before i could get to the door he said i know who got it. i said oh, yeah. he said i know who got it. i said go get it. i watched him walk out the front door and right back in the house. hey hold up. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sounds like you hit it off. >> i did.
son-in-law. i told my daughter, i like that one guy that was over here. >> jimmy: i know when you're doing stand up you do impressions. you also do, and this i did not know, sound effects. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what kind of sound effects do you do. >> well you tell me what this is -- zzzzz zzzz. >> jimmy: dentist drill? >> no it's a vibrator. >> jimmy: i knew i was doing something wrong. [ laughter ] no wonder my wife doesn't want any part of me. [ laughter ] that doesn't go in the teeth? oh, interesting. >> got to reach right over in that drawer. >> jimmy: okay let me guess another one. let me see if i could get one. squirt bottle. >> yeah,yeah,. squirt bottle.
>> jimmy: see i did do that one. >> you did do that one, you know. so. >> jimmy: are there any really obscure ones that maybe we wouldn't know? >> yeah, it would be something that you guys wouldn't know. this one right here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that i don't know. >> opening a we'd weed bag with the son-in-law. >> jimmy: well obviously this is a very funny man. this is his book "unsuccessful thug" comes out march 27th. mike epps everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and we'll return with music from noel gallagher's high flying birds. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
celebrate friendship and beyond at the first ever pixar fest with all new fireworks and your favorite park parades. only at disneyland resort. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank kobe bryant, mike epps and apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time.
"nightline" is next but first, their album is called "who built the moon" here with the song "holy mountain," noel gallagher's high flying birds! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ dance dance if you do that dance i'm gonna let you join my one-man band ♪ ♪ be my doll be my baby doll come get to know me like the back of your hand ♪ ♪ i like the name hanging out in shade i like the way you do the push and the shove ♪ ♪ you can blow my mind if you're that way inclined all that i know is that you fell from above ♪ ♪ she fell she fell right under my spell hold up pretty baby come on ♪ ♪ she danced she danced right into my hands hold up pretty baby come on ♪
♪ be my butterfly you were almost shaking me you rolled me at the top of them all ♪ ♪ and if you feel the need i'll send you godspeed to me you're hangin at the break of the dawn ♪ ♪ get out of the doldrums baby now you lie i'll set ya on fire ♪ ♪ get out of the doldrums baby now do your thang on the beat of the bang ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i'll put a melody inside of your head no need to shout what you --- about ♪ ♪ i think those things are better left unsaid she had a
look you won't find in a book ♪ ♪ and she smiles like 1969 you could blow my mind if you're that way inclined and i know you're ♪ ♪ gonna make it mine she fell she fell right under my spell ♪ ♪ hold up pretty baby come on she danced she danced right into my hands ♪ ♪ hold up pretty baby come on be my butterfly ♪ ♪ you were almost shaking me you rolled me at the top of them all ♪ ♪ and if you feel the need i'll send you godspeed to me you'll make it at the break of the dawn ♪ ♪ get out of the doldrums baby now you lie i'll set ya on fire ♪
♪ get out of the doldrums baby now ♪ ♪ ♪ she fell she fell ♪ she fell she fell right under my spell she fell she fell right under my spell ♪ ♪ she fell she fell right under my spell she fell she fell right under my spell ♪ ♪ she fell she fell right under my spell she fell she fell right under my spell ♪ ♪ she fell she fell right under my spell she fell she fell right under my spell ♪ ♪ she fell she fell right under my spell ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
this is "nightline." >> tonight. grieve and rage. renewed protests in sacramento after community leaders gather for the funeral of stephon clark. >> i am. >> stephon clark. >> i am. >> stephon clark. >> the unarmed black man and father of two killed by police in his grandmother's backyard. the anger boiling. >> does this cellphone look like a gun? >> you need to be aware. squeeze hard when you got that moment. >> social media influencer with a $200 million empire teaching us the secrets to building a brand. why he says