Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 4, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

11:35 pm
>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, carol burnett, from cnn, jake tapper, mean tweets avengers edition, and music from keith urban. and now, more than ever, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's very nice. very nice. welcome. hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] it's now -- thanks. thank you for including me in your life. [ cheers and applause ]
11:36 pm
well, i hope you had a good weekend. by the way, our president trump really had a good weekend. he was up bright and early tweeting this morning. lashing out after the white house correspondents' dinner and reveling in the afterglow of a rally he held for himself in michigan, where he does like a stand-up act on the road. he rambled on for 80 minutes. he bragged about the size of his crowd, building the wall, keeping the mexicans out. he did all his greatest hits. he was as unhinged as an ikea bunkbed on saturday night. [ laughter ] among the many notable statements he made, he said he's going to close the country down if congress doesn't fund his wall. which i think mexico was supposed to pay for, weren't they? i don't know. but that's a solid plan. that'll be good for the economy. nothing better for business than closing down. look at blockbuster. they're doing great. [ laughter ] radio shack. toys "r" us. trump barreled through a variety of subjects, taking credit for many different things, including
11:37 pm
unemployment rates for minorities. >> african-american unemployment has reached the lowest level in history. in history. hispanic unemployment -- any hispanics in the room? hispanics? no, not so many. and by the way, in all fairness, kanye west gets it. he gets it. >> jimmy: he gets it? or he gots it? because i need to know which one it is. the president gave himself another questionable pat on the back after this historic development in south korea. kim jong-un and soakn president moon jae-in agreed to officially end the korean war. and then they even shared a hug, which was unimaginable six months ago. get a demilitarized zone, you two. during the summit, kim jong-un said once we start talking the
11:38 pm
united states will know i am not a person to launch nuclear weapons. and you have to take him at his word. he seems like a straight shooter. just ask all his murdered relatives. [ laughter ] this is a man -- in the past kim jong un has promised -- and these are real things he said. he claimed all his people are well fed. he says he started driving at the age of 3. and he claims north korea cured aids in their country. so why not take his word for it? [ laughter ] still, this could be a bigly victory for president trump. the president of south korea said he thinks trump should win a nobel prize for peace. hairpiece, he said. the translation. [ laughter ] but that's a good strategy. give him credit. dangle that nobel prize in front of him all shiny and gold. no way trump can resist that. it's like waving bacon in front of a wolverine. and president trump is expected to meet with kim jong un in person soon at a location tbd. i would like to see them meet in an applebee's. wouldn't that be fun? sharing a spinach and artichoke
11:39 pm
dip. maybe an order of boneless wings. and of course no one is giving trump more credit for his role in bringing the koreas together than donald trump. >> i had one of the fake news groups this morning -- [ boos ] no, they were saying, what do you think president trump had to do with it? i'll tell you what. like how about everything? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: way to fire up the team. it's good for him to toot his own horn every now and then. not only is he taking credit for the improved relations in korea, on friday he greeted the u.s. olympic and paralympic teams at the white house, where he let them know that without his help there would have been no one there to see them win. >> you performed and you made us very proud, and many of you came home as champions wearing bronze, silver, or a gold medal.
11:40 pm
and you had very big crowds. and i have to say, without certain backing those crowds were not looking good. but all of a sudden those crowds got very, very big, very powerful, and it became a very, very successful olympics, aside from everything else. they had a lot more people show up than they thought. and you think you know why, right? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he should probably get a gold medal too. you know, some of the athletes would probably take their medals off and give them to the president. when a group of athletes with disabilities visits the white house, i would imagine that press secretary sarah sanders is on full alert. this is a defcon 5 type situation. at any moment the president could say something absolutely nuts. and sure enough, at any moment he did. >> so i want to thank every olympian and paralympian. and that was just incredible. and what happened with the paralympics was so incredible and so inspiring to me.
11:41 pm
and i watched -- it's a little tough to watch too much, but i watched as much as i could. it was fantastic. >> jimmy: it started off good. poor mike pence, by the way, was in the background -- zoom in on mike pence and let's watch that again. >> that was just incredible. and what happened with the paralympics was so incredible. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, i agree. uh-huh. >> and so inspiring to me. >> jimmy: yes, yes, yes. >> and i watched. it's a little tough to watch too much but i watched as much as i could -- >> jimmy: no. not -- [ laughter ] not with you on that one. mike pence did not attend the white house correspondents' dinner on saturday, where comedian michelle wolf delivered a monologue that -- you know, they hire these comedians because they're edgy and then they get mad when they're edgy at the thing. i thought michelle had a lot of funny jokes but even the funniest of her jokes could not compare to this moment from the former governor of new jersey. >> republicans are easy to make fun of. you know, it's like shooting fish in a chris christie. but i also want to make fun of democrats. democrats are harder to make fun
11:42 pm
of because you guys don't do anything. you think you might flip the house and senate this november -- >> jimmy: not the mayonnaise, chris. it's a condiment. he ate it. i don't know if it was yogurt but he ate it like in one of those commercials where the woman turns it over and you go, who does that? [ laughter ] last week on thursday it was take your daughters and sons to work day, which at the white house they celebrate every day. but for the rest of us take your kids to work day is a chance for children to come see the place where mommy and daddy's dreams went to die. [ laughter ] we had a bunch of kids here, and our writers in keeping with their neverending quest to do as little as possible asked their kids to write jokes for them for the day to come up with material for me, the host of the show, to share. and with that said, they did do that. and it's time now for the most adorable violation of child labor laws. come on in, kids. bring your jokes in. guillermo, send in the kids. oh, there they are. what's happening?
11:43 pm
hello.s? thank you very much. hi, enzo. how are you doing? what's happening? how are you guys doing? >> good. >> jimmy: good to see you. oh, look at this. oh, i feel like oprah all of a sudden. [ laughter ] you're all healed. so you have the jokes? you have the jokes? >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right. you guys are all real cute. so let's go through some of your jokes here. all right. everybody get in. you have a hockey stick, huh? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. good. hi, jack. avery, you wrote -- you're 6 years old? how many cheeks do we have? you want to do the joke or should i do it? okay. how many cheeks do we have? one, two, three, four. that's a good one. [ cheers and applause ] it's dirty. margo. margo, these are your jokes. margo is 4. why did the banana eat the orange? because it was so hungry and
11:44 pm
couldn't wait to eat an orange. [ cheers and applause ] that's a good one, right? margo again. why is the hulk green? because he ate too much corn. no, wait. what's the protector of the corn? the husk. i think you're confusing the hulk with the husk. [ laughter ] what did the puppy say to santa? happy ruff day. because it was halloween. [ laughter ] well done, margo. these are from sy. sy's dad works in new york at home. so we have a -- there's sy. sy said what do you call a cat with a rubber band tied to it? do you know? a catapult. [ laughter ] what do you call it with the sky is filled with a whirlwind of cats? a purricane. what do you call it when flaming cats come falling down to earth? a cat-astrophe. [ laughter ] i'm hoping sy doesn't have any animals in the home.
11:45 pm
[ laughter ] max imerman is here with us. max, you say -- max, come up here so we can see you. knock knock. who's there? banana. banana who? don't be a banana. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] all right. michelangelo, come up here. michelangelo, who's off to hawaii after this trip tonight. you wrote this joke. why did you put apple sauce on your hair? because you ate your hair up. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm okay! i'm okay! >> jimmy: by the way, your dad laughs at his own jokes too. [ laughter ] harrison. this is my cousin sal's son harrison. there's two of them here. knock knock. >> who's there? >> jimmy: jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy kimmel who? >> jimmy: jimmy kimmel live.
11:46 pm
[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] good one, harrison. jack icono, also my cousin sal's son. jack wrote, "why do people not like mean people? because donald trump is the president." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: all right. i think these are the last ones. enzo barbieri. enzo wrote, who's dr. strange's partner? nurse weirdo. [ laughter ] i'm going to let you do the punchline to this one. why did the cow jump over the moon? >> to get away from his crazy ex-wife. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: very well done, kids. thank you guys. your parents are all fired. okay? we're going to take a break. when we come back, we have an all avengers edition of mean tweets. so stick around. thanks, kids. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ssn...
11:47 pm
ssn... or a lasting impression without it. ♪ ♪ don't turn your house into a home without it. ♪ ♪ don't go live... or even share a moment without it. and don't watch her dance like nobody's watching without it. whatever you do, don't forget that the more you live forward, the more you need someone at your back. ♪ ♪ the powerful backing of american express. don't live life without it. sit's red lobster's news create your own shrimp trios. pick 3 of 9 craveable creations for just $15.99. you can enjoy the classics you love, along with new creations like savory crab-topped shrimp, decadent parmesan truffle shrimp scampi, and creamy shrimp and lobster pasta. your perfect shrimp plate is just waiting to be discovered. but shrimp trios won't last, so get to red lobster today. and get your red lobster fix with our weekday lunch starting at $7.99.
11:48 pm
( ♪ )
11:49 pm
♪ ♪ the powerful backing of american express. don't live life without it.
11:50 pm
the powerful backing of american express. mr. elliot, what's your wiwifi?ssword? wifi's ordinary. basic. do i look basic? nope! which is why i have xfinity xfi. it's super fast and you can control every device in the house. hey! let's basement. [ grunting ] and thanks to these xfi pods, the signal reaches down here too. so sophie, i have an xfi password. and it's "daditude". simple. easy. awesome. xfinity. the future of awesome. because antonio villaraigosa millions got it done.healthcare he defended women's healthcare, banned military-style assault weapons, banned workplace discrimination, and more.
11:51 pm
antonio for governor. >> jimmy: hi, everybody. welcome back to the show. carol burnett, jake tapper and music from keith urban is about to happen. but first i don't know -- those of you here in hollywood this morning know there was quite a commotion as thousands of people gathered around the block for 'n sync. 'n sync got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. people were camped out overnight to see them. a lot of people for a band that hasn't been together in 16 years. it was like waiting in line for the iphone 3g. [ laughter ] 'n sync was honored with the 2,636th star on the hollywood walk of fame. and then tomorrow the band o town will be cleaning it for them. [ laughter ] earlier tonight here on abc the premiere of a new season of "dancing with the stars." a special all athletes season. josh norman, johnny damon and the great laker kareem
11:52 pm
abdul-jabbar are among the big name competitors as is one of if not the most controversial figure in olympics history. tonya harding is taking a whack at it. [ laughter ] i guess we're okay with tonya harding now? i don't know that i am. but it's important to pay attention to "dancing with the stars" because one of the dancers could become our next secretary of homeland security in a few months. every year before a single fox has been trotted on "dancing with the stars." i make a prediction. i pick the dancer that i believe has the ambition and personality to bring home the mirrorball. and i bet on it. i bet real money on it. over the years i've correctly chosen the winner 10 out of 20 i it's one of my greatest/saddest accomplishments. it really is. but this year this is probably the toughest year yet because every dancer is an athlete. i really had to do my homework. i picked the person who i think is the winner. as is our custom, wrote down that person's name on a piece of paper which i folded up and locked inside a tiny briefcase and then put it in guillermo's mouth for safekeeping.
11:53 pm
guillermo, did you tamper with this in any way? how was your weekend? [ laughter ] it's time for the moment of truth, if we could get a drumroll, please. please reveal the winner. the champion of "dancing with the stars" for 2018 will be -- >> josh norman. >> jimmy: josh norman of the washington redskins. will win the mirrorball. at 6-1 odds. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations, josh. good luck and remember, you may not care but i have a lot of money riding on this. speaking of a lot of money, did you see the new avengers movie? how many of you went to see this "avengers: infinity war." [ applause ] set the record for the biggest movie opening ever. $258 million. which is more than "star wars," more than "titanic." it's more than the last three tyler perry movies combined. [ laughter ] it just goes to show you if you market them correctly people will go to see independent film. [ laughter ]
11:54 pm
but even the avengers have their haters. and so from time to time we shine a light on the trolls who write so many terrible things about people on the internet. and with that said, it's time for an all avengers edition of mean tweets. [ cheers and applause ] >> tom hiddleston is so [ bleep ] ugly why is no one acknowledging this? >> i don't really understand how anthony mackie got this far looking like a bug with buck teeth. but here we are. >> scarlett johansson has the emotional range of a [ bleep ] celery. i hate white people. all of us? >> why do so many people have a crush on sebastian stan? he looks like a potato. >> winston duke broad as hell up top with crackhead legs. damn.
11:55 pm
>> elizabeth olsen has weird [ bleep ] gums. it's true. i do. weird thumbs. >> don cheadle look like a mix between a beetle -- that rhymes -- a muskrat, and a roach. that's just [ bleep ] up. >> from @we hate it batista. follow this page if you hate dave bautista. he's ugly, a complete joke, non-talented, and he sucks. wow. >> benedict cumberbatch always looks like he's had an allergic reaction. >> i bet tom holland is one of those whities who claps when the plane lands. >> also while i'm comparing old men to reptiles. ever notice that samuel l. jackson looks like a snapping turtle?
11:56 pm
>> if the girl wants to [ bleep ] paul rudd chances are she'll [ bleep ] you too. hashtag paul rudd is un[ bleep ]able. >> karen gillan. once again allow me to ask you who the [ bleep ] do you think you are? i don't know. maybe i'm going to have to just google myself. >> and this one is very simple and to the point. paul bettany. what a [ bleep ]. >> how did the coolest blackest dude in the galaxy end up with some white bread name like chadwick? >> if i said it once i said it 600 times. chris pratt is still a [ bleep ]. >> perhaps chris evans is in truth a great actor, but he plays captain america like he's a big dumb hunk of [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't agree with that at all. tonight on the show we have music from keith urban. from cnn jake tapper is here. and we'll be right back with carol burnett.
11:57 pm
>> announcer: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by the american red cross. help sound the alarm about home fires by doing the wakeup challenge. happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. nexgard kills fleas and ticks all month long. and it comes in an easy-to-give tasty chew. and that makes dogs and owners happy. no wonder vets love it too.
11:58 pm
reported side effects include vomiting, itching, diarrhea, lethargy and lack of appetite. see your vet for more information on flea and tick protection you and your dog will love. nexgard. the vet's #1 choice. ♪ why don't you ♪ just meet me ♪ in the middle ♪ i'm losing ♪ my mind ♪ just a little ♪ so why don't you just ♪ meet me in the middle lines?an develop fine lines what lines? the chapstick total hydration collection. our advanced skin care formulas instantly smooth and transform your lips. chapstick. put your lips first. ♪ this puppy had nothing on the new glad forceflex plus advanced protection kitchen bag. it's glad's strongest, toughest, most leak resistant bag. be happy, it's glad.
11:59 pm
we can now simulate the exact anatomyh care, of a patient's brain before surgery. if we can do that, imagine what we can do for seizures. and if we can fix damaged heart valves without open heart surgery, imagine what we can do for an irregular heartbeat, even high blood pressure. if we can use analyze each patient's breast cancer to personalize their treatment, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. imagine what we can do for you.
12:00 am
celebrate friendship and beyond at the first ever pixar fest with all new fireworks and your favorite park parades. only at disneyland resort.
12:01 am
12:02 am
>> jimmy: hi there. tonight, he's a prominent purveyor of fake news from cnn and an author too. this is his debut novel. it's called "the hellfire club." jake tapper is here with us. then, his album is called "graffiti u." here to celebrate live nation's national concert week, keith urban from the mercedes-benz outdoor stage. tomorrow night we have a big show. tomorrow night, miley cyrus and senator elizabeth warren will join us. and later this week, mike myers, bill hader, zazie beetz, senator cory booker, plus music from rae sremmurd and sugarland. so please join us for all of
12:03 am
that. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a bona fide comedy legend with six emmys, five golden globes, a peabody, and the presidential medal of freedom in a cabinet in her garage. she returns to television with a new show called "a little help with carol burnett" on netflix starting friday. please welcome carol burnett! ♪ >> jimmy: it's so great to have you back. >> it's good -- oh. >> jimmy: i have to say, when you were here the first time it was one of the thrills of my life, and for you to actually come back is exceptionally nice. >> it's a thrill for you too here now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes, it is a thrill. it's a double thrill. by the way, happy birthday. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i know it was your birthday last week. >> i had a birthday last
12:04 am
thursday. 85! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you don't care about that stuff. when you look like this and you have this brain, you're happy to be 85. >> yeah. really. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what did you do to celebrate? >> i went out to dinner with my husband and a couple of friends, and then the next day, on the 27th, i visited my grandson at his school on grandparents' day. >> jimmy: oh, that's fun. >> that was nice. and i was the head speaker. i was the only speaker. [ laughter ] and so they were all grown-ups, grandparents and everything. so i'm not good at that. >> jimmy: how old is your grandson? >> he's 11. >> jimmy: okay. >> i threw it open to questions and answers. >> jimmy: for the kids. >> no, for the grandparents. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh. >> yeah. and they were great. >> jimmy: i would think so. do the kids know you? do they know what you've done? >> well, yeah. some of them do. because of having been in "annie," you know, miss hannigan. and on youtube. and then our dvds.
12:05 am
so i go around the country -- what is really exciting for me is i go around the country a lot and i do q&as, an evening of 90 minutes of just q&as. >> jimmy: you're on tour right now. >> yeah. i'm going to be doing some stuff in -- i wind up in june. but a couple of years ago, because of being on youtube and the dvds, i'm thrilled, i'm getting audiences ranging from 9 years old to maybe 90. >> jimmy: isn't that great? >> it's fabulous. >> jimmy: when we watched your show, that's how it was. you know, my sister and my parents and my grandparents, we would all watch your show. the same age range. >> that's great. so a couple of years ago -- and it's all random. >> jimmy: the questions you get. >> yeah. i never -- i don't want any plants in the audience or anything. >> jimmy: got you. >> and a little boy raised his hand in the second row, and i called on him. and i said, first of all, what's your name?d he said, andrew. and i said, how old are you, andrew? he said, 9.
12:06 am
and i said, you know who i am? and there was a pause. and he said, "surprisingly, yes." [ laughter ] so cute. >> jimmy: that's a kid you want to take on the road with you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: when you did q&a -- had anyone ever done a q&a segment on television when you did it on "the carol burnett show"? >> i don't think so. >> jimmy: i don't think so either. >> i was hesitant to do it at first because i was afraid i wouldn't come up with any snappy answers or that nobody would ask a question. but eventually it caught on and i really enjoyed doing it. and i never knew what anybody -- i didn't want to know -- >> jimmy: what they were going to ask. and that was all off the cuff. there was just random people in the audience. >> yes. >> jimmy: and you would talk to them and it would go on the show. >> this one time -- whenever i
12:07 am
go out and do q&a and i get a question, sometimes the crew, the cameraman and the people on the crew would be laughing before i would even give an answer. it's because they have earphones in. and the guys in the booth would be making funny jokes. >> jimmy: i see. and the crew is laughing at the jokes. >> and i'd get ticked off. what's going on here? this one week i asked bob mackie, our costume designer, to make me a dress for q&a with a turtleneck. then i got one of those wires and i wore it -- >> jimmy: an earpiece. >> only my dresser knew and bob mackay. and i put the thing in the ear and then wired it back here. my hair covered it. and you couldn't see it through the turtleneck. right? so now i'm in the wings and i hear "cue carol." ♪ da da da i came out. and fine. so somebody in the audience
12:08 am
said, when are you going to make a movie? and our director being funny in the booth says, "who the hell cares?" you know, like that. and the crew's laughing. so they say when are you going to make a movie and i hear that. and i say oh, you know, i would but who the heck would care? [ laughter ] so then -- and they're laughing, oh, that's funny. wow. you know. then somebody said would you do the tarzan yell? and one of the guys in the booth said yeah, we've heard that for a thousand times. and i said oh, i would, but you know, i bet i've done this a thousand times. [ laughter ] now they're saying, "she's got a wire, she's got a wire! camera 4, get around! the camera pans around this way. they can't see anything because of my turtleneck. and i kept doing it all the way through. now they're hurling obscenities to me in the booth.
12:09 am
>> jimmy: oh. >> and i'm trying to answer questions while i'm hearing all this coming in. anyway. i got through it. and on the way home my husband, who was a producer, said, did you have a wire? i said, what are you talking about? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i like that. >> now they know. >> jimmy: espionage. carol burnett is here. her new show is called "with a little help from carol burnett." we'll be right back. ) it's the details that make the difference. only botox® cosmetic is fda approved to temporarily make frown lines, crow's feet and forehead lines look better. it's a quick 10 minute treatment given by a doctor to reduce those lines. ask your doctor about botox® cosmetic by name. the effects of botox® cosmetic, may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking,
12:10 am
breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be a sign of a life-threatening condition. do not receive botox® cosmetic if you have a skin infection. side effects may include allergic reactions, injection site pain, headache, eyelid and eyebrow drooping and eyelid swelling. tell your doctor about your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, and medications including botulinum toxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. the details make a difference. the man makes them matter. see real results at botoxcosmetic.com/men.
12:11 am
the man makes them matter. ♪ saucy crispy ♪ saucy saucy crispy saucy crispy. (avo) get an entree like chicken crispers, plus starter and coca-cola, for just ten bucks. ♪ chili's is back, baby, back, baby, back ♪ sprintern. what are you up to? showing you the unrivaled iphone x. ooh nice. yeah it is nice. and you know what i can do with it? no what? i can unlock it with my face! they call it face id. here let me show you.
12:12 am
see? do you have to make that face when you unlock it? what face? uh... (vo) get the unrivaled iphone x now for just $20 a month. that's 50% off from sprint. for people with hearing loss, switch to sprint to get the best price for unlimited. visit sprintrelay.com ♪ why don't you just meet me ♪ in the middle ♪ i'm losing my mind ♪ just a little ♪ so why don't you just meet me ♪ ♪ in the middle
12:13 am
i had a very minor fender bender tonight! in an unreasonably narrow fast food drive thru lane. but what a powerful life lesson. and don't worry i have everything handled. i already spoke to our allstate agent, and i know that we have accident forgiveness. which is so smart on your guy's part. like fact that they'll just... forgive you... four weeks without the car. okay, yup. good night. with accident forgiveness your rates won't go up just because of an accident. switching to allstate is worth it.
12:14 am
12:15 am
>> jimmy: we're back with carol burnett. she's got a new show on netflix called "a little help with carol burnett" that premieres on friday. do you have netflix? do you watch netflix? >> oh, yes. i binge watch. >> jimmy: you do? what do you watch? >> i'm crazy about anything vince gilligan writes. >> jimmy: he's the greatest. >> he did "breaking bad." "better call saul." i just watched the end -- >> jimmy: those aren't on netflix, i don't think. >> that's showtime. >> jimmy: no, that's -- >> oh, i'm thinking of "homeland." that's on showtime. >> jimmy: that's on showtime, yes. >> binge watching. i don't watch too much regular television. i'll watch cable. on netflix i guess i can say this. i binge watch "schitt's creek."
12:16 am
funny. very funny. >> jimmy: that's a great show. catherine o'hara. eugene levy. and his son created it. >> jimmy: chris elliot, right. >> they're all so good. very, very funny. >> jimmy: carol burnett has abandoned network television, we're in a lot of the trouble, aren't we? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, this show, you talked -- the basic concept of the show, and correct me if i have it wrong, is kids listen to adult problems and then try to help the adults with their problems. >> yes. we have three adults per show come on separately. and present an adult dilemma to a panel of five kids ranging in age from 5 to about 9. and that's a perfect age because they don't censor themselves. >> jimmy: right. >> they haven't become jaded like you do when you're 11. [ laughter ] what they're thinking of comes right out. and it's so adorable. >> jimmy: you bring celebrity guests on the show. >> jimmy: i saw an episode in
12:17 am
which you and dj khaled sat down and talked to kids. which is a great pairing. were you familiar with d.j. khaled's work? >> yes. but i had not met any of the celebrities we had. lisa kudrow -- >> jimmy: you'd never met lisa kudrow? >> no. it was so great, you know. so they had their dilemmas. then there were two regular folks, not celebrities. >> jimmy: non-celebrities. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but these kids -- >> did you learn anything yourself from the kids? >> no. [ laughter ] i just learned to enjoy it. a long time ago i had a birthday a few years ago and -- well, every year i have one. [ laughter ] but we were at a table, and the girls, all of us ladies were there, and we said how old do you really feel inside? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i said 8. [ laughter ] so this is perfect for me with these kids. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but some of the things -- i can't remember what the dilemma was. but one little guy i think is around 7.
12:18 am
a lot of them were very funny of course but again very sweet and very smart. his answer, his advice was you have to go with your heart. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. what am i supposed to -- you have to follow your heart. now, that's coming out of a 6-year-old. i thought that was the sweetest thing. >> jimmy: that's the kind of advice people give when they just want to end the conversation. [ laughter ] you just have to -- you know what, you've got to follow your heart. would you excuse me? i have a lunch appointment. [ laughter ] well, it's great to see you. carol burnett. watch her on netflix. "a little help with carol burnett" premieres friday. thank you, carol. we'll be right back with jake tapper.
12:19 am
moderator: okay. we are going to talk about cars today. if you were going to design your perfect car, which three features would you choose? safety with the kids. fuel efficiency. man: affordable price. my dream car would have all of these things. moderator: what if i told you that there was a car that did have everything? seriously? woman: okay. moderator: this is the chevy cruze. man 2: go chevy! get 20% below msrp on all cruze and malibu lt models. that's almost $4,700 on this chevy cruze. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. on this chevy cruze. but one blows themisturizer all out of the water. hydro boost from neutrogena®. with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. neutrogena®
12:20 am
lackluster lips? don't think so. lips lose natural color over time. chapstick total hydration moisture + tint. our 100% natural moisturizing formulas enhance your natural lip color. chapstick. put your lips first.
12:21 am
♪ ♪ the powerful backing of american express. don't live life without it. it's save on the perfectohl's! of gift for mom!ess. and take an extra 20% off! save on mommy and me pjs and kitchen electrics! plus stack your savings and give her diamond earrings for just $27.51! plus get kohl's cash! gifts for mom - kohl's cash for you! kohl's. this is the pepsi for worthy of hundred mile detours, and a thousand likes. looks good! this is the pepsi for mopping, dipping, and dousing. whatever you're craving, this is the pepsi for you. i'm all-business when i, travel... even when i travel... for leisure. so i go national, where i can choose any available upgrade in the aisle - without starting any conversations-
12:22 am
-or paying any upcharges. what can i say? control suits me. go national. go like a pro. growing up i didn't have anyone who looked like me. that's why i started my blog to inspire people to be themselves. the surface laptop has already made me more productive. i'm creating mood boards. i'm editing content. or i'm running around new york with a huge bouquet of balloons. so having a light laptop is a game changer. plus the battery life on the surface lives forever. my blog is sometimes about fashion, sometimes about sprinkles. it's usually always about color. find what makes you different, because that sets you apart from everyone else.
12:23 am
>> jimmy: keith urban is on the way. our next guest works really hard to report real news to real viewers six days a week on cnn. but this is all made up. this is his first novel. "the hellfire club." it's available now. please welcome jake tapper.
12:24 am
[ cheers and applause ] how are you? >> i'm great. how are you doing? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. on saturday night you were at that white house correspondents' dinner. >> i was. >> jimmy: were you outraged? were your delicate sensibilities offended? >> my sensibilities are not particularly delicate. but i will say this. that it's really interesting how many people in the trump white house and the trump-supporting media who were very offended about what they considered to be a very indecent performance by the comedian. i've been trying to have a conversation on my show about decency and about insults and smearing and people saying things about other people that are not true and are just beyond the boundaries of good behavior. and if the trump white house and their allies in the media want to have this conversation about
12:25 am
decency, i welcome them to the table to talk about it. but there's a bunch of stuff that they need to get caught up on before we get to a comedian at the white house dinner. there's -- >> jimmy: there to be funny. >> yeah. we want to talk about whether or not it's appropriate to say that john mccain isn't a war hero because he was captured and whether or not it's okay to make fun of people with disabilities or make light of people who have drug and alcohol dependency issues. minorities. talking about women's appearances in inappropriate ways. there's a backup of material, if the trump people want to talk about it. then we can get to the comedians. >> jimmy: that's not how it works anymore. is it less fun when the president isn't there at that event? >> oh, i don't know. it depends on the president, i guess. [ laughter ] i guess. >> jimmy: you were the recipient of an award. we all focus on the comedian, but there is an awards ceremony, and you won the merriman smith award. >> that's right. for breaking news coverage. me and a team of reporters, jim sciutto, evan perez and the legendary carl bernstein won an
12:26 am
award. we broke the story in january 2017 that the intelligence chiefs had heard about this dossier. we all know about the dossier now. and that they had briefed president obama and then president-elect trump on the existence of this material that the russians were claiming was compromising. >> jimmy: yes. and was this the biggest story you've ever broken, would you say? >> it was pretty big. i don't know. it's tough to compare them all. i've won this awards a few times. and there were other -- i did one about -- during the obama years when he was about to fire his director of national intelligence. and i knew before the director of national intelligence that he was about to be fired. so that was one. >> jimmy: you should get an award for not screaming when you interview kellyanne conway. because that alone is a remarkable achievement. >> i don't scream every time. [ laughter ] i appreciate -- i appreciate your noticing. >> jimmy: i want to show something because this -- i don't know if you've even seen this. but this is what happened when you got your award. run the video here.
12:27 am
you and the other guys, and you're saying hello to people up there on the dais. and there's sarah sanders. and she just kind of like doesn't -- she doesn't stand. she doesn't even seem to see you. is it a good sign when you're being ignored completely by the white house press secretary? >> well, theoretically, no president and no press secretary should be comfortable in that room, i guess. i hadn't seen that since then. and i didn't notice it at the time. but i don't know if you've picked up on this. the president is not really a fan of reporters sharing facts about him to the american people. they don't like that. >> jimmy: why do you think that is? >> well, the facts aren't always all that great for him. >> jimmy: when you get information from a source, how does that information typically come? is it in writing? is it a text? is it an e-mail? a phone call? do you meet at a secret location? how does that go? >> i'm not going to tell you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm not asking that. so it's a secret location. >> sometimes. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> sometimes it's on the phone.
12:28 am
sometimes it's e-mail. sometimes it's text. there's lots of, you know, encrypted devices these days. encrypted apps. >> jimmy: you have an encrypted app? >> i'm revealing way too much about this. [ laughter ] procedure. >> jimmy: well, i guess -- but i'm just curious about like when you see them, that person, that man or woman at an event, maybe you're interviewing that person, do you guys have a thing where you try -- it's like a little bit weird, maybe you don't -- because you probably want to hug them. you know you're going to win this merriman smith award again for the fifth time or whenever the hell you've won it. is this something you go hey, thanks, man, or has it got to be completely under the radar? >> completely under the radar. completely under the radar. i'm thinking back about all the tips i've gotten. no, you don't acknowledge the person, you don't thank them. >> jimmy: it seems ungrateful. nothing at christmas time or -- >> they don't want to be thanked. they don't want to be acknowledged. they don't want to be rewarded or in any public way. >> jimmy: everybody wants a little reward. some kind of acknowledgment in public.
12:29 am
you should do that on your last show, whenever that is. >> just out every source -- >> jimmy: i want to thank my sources. >> when i retire, i want to thank my sources. they are -- >> jimmy: right. [ laughter ] this book, the reviews for this book are unbelievable. and you get them from these major authors, these people who have devoted their lives to fiction writing. >> yeah. they were really nice. james patterson and people like that. >> jimmy: you show up and you write one and then they're like oh, this is fantastic. >> they are masters of the craft. but i guess that they liked a little bit at least of what it was. the book takes place in washington, d.c. in 1954. a young congressman and world war ii hero comes in and gets wrapped up in a conspiracy. but it was fun because i got to take real people from that era. senator john f. kennedy and senator joe mccarthy, president eisenhower. and have them interact with my fictitious characters. >> jimmy: do you base their parts on what you actually know of them or is it just totally made up? >> i did -- well, the plot is made up. so that part is fictitious. but i did do a lot of research
12:30 am
to try to figure out details about them. and you just find out weird stuff. joe mccarthy, for example, i read this biography of him, written in 1952. and when he would drink, and he drank a lot, he would also eat a stick of butter. so that's a detail in the book. and just because i had so many details like that that were true and i didn't think people would believe me, i did sources at the back. which you don't normally do for a book of fiction. but since it's based on actual events and actual people i thought, well, people should know. i didn't make up the butter thing. >> jimmy: you don't make up the butter. >> mccarthy actually had butter as he drank his scotch. >> jimmy: wow. that's pretty crazy. well, there it is. it's "the hellfire club." it is available now. mr. jake tapper, everybody. thank you, jake. we'll be right back with keith urban. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
12:31 am
12:32 am
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: thanks to carol burnett. thanks to jake tapper. apologies to matt damon.
12:33 am
this is his album. it's called "graffiti u." here with the song "coming home," keith urban! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i wake up feeling in my soul i'm living someone else's life ♪ ♪ i'm turnin' into concrete harder than these city streets where no one even ♪ ♪ cares if i'm alive i gotta get it right get it right ♪ ♪ there's a place that i know where they all know me i gotta get back now ♪ ♪ to the ones who love me wrap
12:34 am
myself around you never let you go there's nothin' in the ♪ ♪ world that feels like the place that i know where they all know me i gotta get back now ♪ ♪ to the ones who love me wrap myself around you never let you go there's nothin' in the ♪ ♪ world that feels like coming home home home mmm coming home ♪ ♪ my mind's heavy and i can't sleep not even a memory is good enough to get me ♪ ♪ through the night hm mm i'm longin' for the real thing ♪ ♪ people who know the real me and all the ways to love me back to life ♪ ♪ mhm i gotta get it right ooh yeah get it right ooh yeah ♪ ♪ there's a place that i know
12:35 am
where they all know me i gotta get back ♪ ♪ now to the ones who love me wrap myself around you never let you go ♪ ♪ there's nothin' in the world that feels like the place that i know where they all know me ♪ ♪ i gotta get back now to the ones who love me wrap myself around you never let you go ♪ ♪ there's nothin' in the world that feels like coming home home home mmm ♪ ♪ coming home home home mmmm coming home yeah i know it's only ♪ ♪ one call away but it's not the same yeah i know it's only one call away ♪ ♪ but it's not the same just not the same yeah i know it's only one call away ♪ ♪ but it's not the same it's not
12:36 am
the same yeah i know it's only one call away ♪ ♪ but it's not the same there's a place that i know where they all know me ♪ ♪ i gotta get back now to the ones who love me wrap myself around you never let you go ♪ ♪ there's nothin' in the world that feels like the place that i know where they all know me ♪ ♪ i gotta get back now to the ones who love me wrap myself around you never let you go ♪ ♪ there's nothin' in the world that feels like coming home i'm feeling lost ♪ ♪ in all the madness i need somewhere to ease my mind coming home ♪ ♪ the sidewalks filled with different faces so many places but ♪ ♪ there's none like mine coming home ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
12:37 am
this is "nightline." >> torn notice, president trump firing up a packed house of a loyal nra supporters. >> your second amendment rights are under siege. but they will never, ever be under siege as long as i'm your president. >> we're in florida with studen students, survivors, and grieving families from the massacre that took 17 lives. is the president leaving them behind? blessed day. >> "handmaid's tale." stepping into the world of the acclaimed series. >> i don't usually do a lot of laughing or smiling when i do this. >> and margaret

119 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on