tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 31, 2018 10:00pm-10:31pm PDT
♪ never let you go enhance your moments. san pellegrino. tastefully italian. dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live game night"! tonight -- kevin hart, snoop dogg, and mean tweets nba edition, presented by mcdonald's and "uncle drew." and now at the buzzer here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> welcome nba fans to our very special show. one of the most special specials of all. thank you. tonight from oracle arena in oakland, california we gather for game one of the nba finals. the golden state warriors host the cleveland cavaliers.
the winner of game one will go on to game two and so will the loser. that's the great thing about game one. everybody goes on. games one and two in oakland. games three and four in cleveland. then, if necessary, to oakland for game five and cleveland for six and then back to oakland for game seven. for the fourth year in a row this is happening. the warriors and cavaliers have had more hometown visits than all 36 seasons of "the bachelor" and "bachelorette." the first instant in any major sport that the same two teams have met in a championship four straight times. for lebron james it's his eighth consecutive appearance in the nba finals. eight times in a row. it's like a finals hanukkah for him. eight straight trips to the nba finals -- really it's a shocking
achievement for modern day nba. to give you an idea how long it's been, the last time lebron wasn't in the finals "tick tock" by kesha was the number one song. the number one movie was "toy story three." justin bieber was a cute little canadian girl. and donald trump was tweeting congratulations to brett michaels the new celebrity apprentice. it got like 22 likes. i miss those days. the warriors are looking to repeat. the odds are with them. they open the series a 10-1 favorite. if you bet a dollar on the cavaliers to win, you'll lose a dollar. this is interesting. there was a bit of a wardrobe malfunction at the end of game seven. whoever made the nba finals caps, the caps the players wear, put the warriors team logo over the letter b in nba which made it look like the 2018 nra finals, which this is not. there's already a 2018 nra finals. it's called the midterm
elections. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, everybody. we have a lot of fun with these prime time shows. we have a lot planned with guests including jamie foxx, sandra bullock, ryan gosling, tiffany haddish, sam jackson, jennifer lopez. before we go ahead, it's time to reflect on what can before with a basketball history lesson from the mvp. d-o-g-g himself. ♪ >> welcome to snoop's history of basketball. roll the tape. classic game from 1973. oh, yeah, them the lakers right there. okay. wilt to steal. i don't care about anybody but wilt chamberlain. wilt the stilt with the trunks on.
nuts just gathered up. those shorts are like a cheap hotel, no ballroom. that sums up the history of basketball. thanks for watching. >> jimmy: wait a minute. that doesn't sum up the history. thank you snoop. we have to take a time out but there is much more to come on this game one game night special including an all-star all-nba edition of mean tweets and we'll be right back with kevin hart. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by mcdonald's new 100% fresh beef quarter pounder burgers. so good, they'll leave you speechless. ♪ ♪ oui l'endorphine s'est envolée ♪
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>> jimmy: we're playing basketball. welcome back to our primetime game night special. an all-nba edition of mean tweets is on the way with kobe bryant, charles barkley, ben simmons, draymond green and many more. and we are going to overtime tonight with a new show later starring claire danes, jason mitchell, and drake's good friend pusha t. our guest tonight is the hardest-working man in show business with a worldwide standup comedy tour, a tv show titled "tko total knock out" and a new movie called "night school" he is here on a meal break please welcome kevin hart. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hello.
how you doing? >> hello. hello. hello. [ cheers and applause ] >> stop it. that's amazing. it's amazing. that's great. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know, wow. >> that's good. it's a great audience. thank you. thank you guys. >> jimmy: it's nice, but you're scaring kevin. oh, my god there are people getting woozy. >> that's amazing. there is no me without the support i get from you guys. that means the world to me. [ cheers and applause ] so much, thank you. >> jimmy: you are -- i want to thank you for coming. you're in the middle of not just a tour, but a world tour. >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: how many countries besides the united states are you visiting? >> every one. name one.
>> jimmy: every spot on the globe. >> if people can laugh, i'm going. i'm so focussed on reaching new levels of personal success. laughter is something we all share. i've been saying it for so long regardless of who you are where you are, we all laugh. >> jimmy: what if you don't speak english? how do you handle that? >> what happens is i go to these other countries. the people that speak english come. the people that don't speak english know what's going on and they know me. they look at the other people and while they laugh, they just laugh and look at me. it must be good. >> jimmy: that's when you know you're funny, when people don't even know what you're saying and they're laughing. >> you can get eye contact. i made eye contact with a man that had no idea what i was talking about. i was in singapore. i'm telling a joke and he was like -- [ laughter ]
>> i was like he's going to throw me off. when i say the punch line, i gave the hardest delivery and the crowd was like ha. he looked at the other person and he goes -- all right buddy. if you like it i love it. >> jimmy: musicians come through and they're amazed that people in countries like singapore know the lyrics to their songs, to be a comedian. >> it's unheard of. this shocked me. this literally blew me away. look at the entertainers that tour. look at beyonce, bruno mars, taylor swift, timberlake, the rolling stones and then you see kevin hart. it's the tours are like the biggest tours. the top five biggest tours ever.
right now i'm at -- [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. i'm currently at one million tickets sold and i have still five months of touring. >> jimmy: a million? >> it's insane. >> jimmy: you should have nicer clothes. >> what? >> jimmy: he's sold a million tickets and there's holes all over his jacket. >> now that you say that i should have thought about it. the reality is people wonder why i work so hard -- >> jimmy: i do. i wonder. >> with the production and everything that goes into my shows, when you look at the numbers, i say people are coming out in high volume. it's my job to provide laughter at the highest level. my production is a production of a rock and roll concert.
that's where the term comedic rock star theme came from. >> jimmy: you're putting the money back into the shows. >> if i told you the money i spent a week in production, you would go what? i have nine production trucks. i have a staff of 77. >> jimmy: that seems like too many. ultimately it's you and the microphone being funny. >> that's true. >> jimmy: how many people are carrying the microphone? >> the microphone i'm carrying is made out of ivory. it's a special microphone. you can't find it nowhere else. we want to wakanda to get it. very professional microphone. >> jimmy: the sixers had a good run. >> yes, we did. >> jimmy: you're a big sixers fan. >> yes, philadelphia, yes. >> jimmy: you go to the games in philly, but some of the road games. >> yes. >> jimmy: how do the fans treat you? >> at first it's all love. it's the shock factor. kevin hart is here in boston.
then i snuck in. i had on a thick coat. under it i had own sixers paraphernalia. i was waiting for somebody to throw something in my hair. they were cool at first. i'm full of animation. we were up 20 in the game. we were up 20. you're getting the best of kevin hart. i'm putting the guns in my pocket. i'm standing. i'm posing. man, i don't know what happened. they got a picture of me third quarter when we lost the lead. my whole posture i was like -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a hard fall. >> oh, my, god it was so bad. the players from the celtics were going back and forth. marcus smart put his finger in my face and touched my nose. i was like don't touch my nose.
cameras was out there, so i had to be carefule, but it's always a good time. >> jimmy: you had an incident flying into boston. >> i got into an accident on the plane. it was a delayed scare. we didn't realize that we were in an accident until we said it out loud. like, we knew something happened. we knew we were coming in weird because the plane caught a tail wind. a piece of the plane shifted down. so, you know, when we're on a plane we know what's normal or not. dishes starting flying. i was like that don't normally happen. we're still cool. we're having good conversation. we land. the front hits, the back hits and you hear boom, boom. we all looked at each other. there was a shock. i yelled out "we're in an accident"! ahhhhh! i'm going to tell you, keep in mind, we are not in the air at
this point. we're on the tarmac. you can hear the plane dragging. we turned into the most dramatic people. ahhhhh! we were holding each other. ahhhh! it stopped. the doors opened up. i was like what the heck? i was such a bitch. i was like put your oxygen mask on. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: might as well get some use out of that. >> in my mind it was the worst thing ever. i was the only jack ass trying to put this mask on. i was like ahhhhh! everybody else was so calm. they were grabbing their bags. i got the mask. i'm like can you breathe?
>> jimmy: kevin hart is here. more with kevin when we come back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> great game fellas. >> coach guillermo will you give us a speech? >> i'll give you the most inspirational speech. but first i'll celebrate with this quarter pounder. >> speech! speech! speech! >> coach? >> why isn't he saying nothing? >> because nothing is the most powerful thing of all. >> coach g. >> announcer: mcdonald's new quarter pounder, they'll leave you speechless. you know i can't resist all of that hotness. oh that 100% fresh beef juiciness. the melty, melty cheese. the pickles. you're all i think about.
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>> right now i have an amazing job in sales. i'm here to get my g.e.d. you're the night school teacher. >> no i'm just the bitch that likes to wear blouses. yes i'm the night school teacher. let's do introductions. >> she's not like the teachers we had back in the day. >> this suit you got on is dumb as hell. you're going to take this test. are you trying to get your g.e.d.? >> yes. >> the issue is you're clinically dumb. >> oh, my god. >> we have to steal the test.
why didn't you wear black? >> it's laundry day. >> why are we in the room? >> what's the square root of 81? >> i don't know. what are you doing? >> jimmy: kevin hart in "night school" opens in theatres september 28th. that's a good pairing you and tiffany haddish. how long have you known her? >> for years. >> jimmy: you must be so excited for her. >> i'm beyond excited. i knew tiffany when tiffany was homeless. she was living out of her car. nobody knew. she was trying to keep it secret. this is a real story. something wasn't sitting right. i was like you all right? is everything okay? she was like i'm fine. randomly i asked where do you live? she couldn't answer the question. that's when i found out. i was nowhere near kevin hart today. in my pocket i had $300. i said here.
i don't know what your situation is. hopefully this can do something for you in this time. i feel like you're not telling me something. i later found out she went to the motel. stayed for a week. used a proper bathroom. never told me for years. tiffany got successful. took the story. i found out she wrote in her journal about the relationship with me and her. how i acted as motivation for her in stand up comedy. i uplifted her. every time i saw her i told her she was funny and going to be a star. without keeping in communication we come full circle. i end up casting her. >> jimmy: i hope you deducted that $300. >> to this day she's yet to bring up the money.
>> jimmy: she's got to give you've that money. >> it's one of those things i'm waiting on her to say it. when she says it -- >> jimmy: it's time, tiffany. show me those pictures really quick. i know you know all the nba players. tell me -- >> this is me and my closest friends. >> jimmy: me who we got in here. >> that's me and lebron and dewayne. that's a good one. that's me and my close friend dwight howard. we were at the mtv movie awards. having a blast. oh, my god. i remember that. that's when me and dwight were telling this joke. i was like you don't get it. he's like i get it. i love you, dwight. oh, my god. this is when i met shaq's family. that's shaq. his family was backstage. that was a good day. >> jimmy: kevin hart! "night school" opens in theatres
september 28th and "tko: total knock out" premieres july 11th on cbs. when we return all-stars galore in a special all-new all-nba edition of "mean tweets." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by "uncle drew" in theaters june 29th. ♪ together for six years and you know, we've been i think that... enough already. i'm done! ditch the bill with the straight talk wireless sim kit, and keep your phone, 4g lte network and number for up to 30% less. text byop to 611611 to see if your phone is compatible. why haven't i switched? switched to who?! get the ultimate unlimited plan for just 55 bucks a month. no contract. straight talk wireless. everything for less. theat lowe's we have allour carpthe latest floor styles for any room at the prices you'll love.
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a very special special we'll be here all series long. and for good reason. if sports have taught us anything over the years it's that some of the best trash talking doesn't just happen on the court it comes from all over on social media. nba players have feelings too and with that said, it's time for a brand new all-nba edition of "mean tweets." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jaylen rose looks like he has lego hair. >> trace mcgrady looks like a grown ass steve urkel with biggie small eyes. [ bleep ] y'all. >> draymond green's jump shot is almost as ugly as his face, almost. that's a damn good looking jump shot. >> ben simmons might have the most boring voice i've ever heard. >> i hate glen robinson man.
what a bitch. what did i do to you? >> jimmy butler has my most hated player in the league award. ugly [ bleep ]. what the [ bleep ] is that on his head? he looks dirty as [ bleep ]. >> deaaron fox looks like an auntie in the face. >> stevie wonder shoots free throws better than andre drummond. that's disrespectful. >> steven a. smith is what happens when a human tries to be a caps lock button. >> rachel nichols can you stop screaming into your microphone. i've never seen someone so annoying on television in my life and i'm old enough to have watched the "nanny." >> scotty pippen has the face of man who has been through some [ bleep ]. >> i need someone to blame. i'll go with old faithful. this is all kevin love's fault. >> charles barkley has pancake [ bleep ].
that's not true because i would eat them. >> kobe looks like he cries to "can i get a kiss by a rose" from seal. really? da da da da. i'm not crying, but i'll sing this [ bleep ]. da da da da da. baby! >> jimmy: that's all for our show. thanks to kevin hart and snoop dogg. we have a new show at our regular time tonight with claire danes, jason mitchell, and pusha t. i'll see you then. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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