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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  August 3, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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hope you have a great weekend. >> from all of us, thank you for >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- henry cavill, from "roast battle" jeff ross and music from brent cobb. and now, without further ado, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. welcome. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host, that's why i'm here. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. wow, that's very nice. welcome to hollywood. i don't know how much time you spent but this -- weird stuff happens every day around here.
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we do our show right on hollywood boulevard. we're right in the middle of the action. and i have a strange interaction last night. after the show i went to the movies, went to see the new "mission impossible" at the theater right across the street from us. after the show i walk out on hollywood boulevard, i got a hat on and sunglasses, disguised. i don't want to take attention away from the superheroes, they're out there working. when i step out the front door i see a woman taking a picture of my star on hollywood boulevard. she's bent over and there's a star with my name on it. and she's taking a photo with her phone. so i figure, what the hell, i'll give her a little thrill. she's looking down and i said, did you want me to get in the picture too? and she looks up and she goes, "no, go away!" [ laughter ] kind of shields her body. [ applause ] and she's alarmed. [ cheers and applause ] this story ain't over. [ laughter ] so around here when a stranger startles you on the street, you, you know -- you don't exactly
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hug them, you mace them, you know. [ laughter ] so i say, hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. and she looks at me. and she goes, "no you are not." and she's now literally grabbing her daughter, trying to get away from me. [ laughter ] so i think now for a second, i think about pulling my wallet out to show her my driver's license. but that seems like too much. hoping she'll just figure it out by hearing my voice i said, where are you from? she goes, beirut. and i said, well, welcome to hollywood. and now she's got her daughter like this she's shielding her like i'm the clown from "it" or something. [ laughter ] she goes to cross the street to get away from me, but i am also waiting to cross the street to go to the movie. now we're standing there next to each other waiting for the light. which takes forever. which i'm looking around now hoping somebody recognizes me and goes, "hey, jimmy, how you doing?" i went from hunched over in the cap and the thing, rushing to the theater, to walmart greeter. hello, everyone! do i look familiar? [ cheers and applause ]
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perhaps you saw one of the two times i hosted the oscars? [ laughter ] but nobody notices me at all. so i'm now standing there it's uncomfortable. i say, i am jimmy kimmel. she goes, "you wish you had his money." [ laughter ] again, i think about going to my wallet to show her that i literally have his money. i have his money and his costco card and everything else of his. [ laughter ] but the light turns green and i just said, "have a nice trip." and she mutters, she goes, "i guess people around here can pretend to be whomever they want." and then i went to see "mission impossible." but you would have thought i was pretending to be denzel washington. [ applause ] anyway. i think i might need to hire a publicist in beirut. [ laughter ] while we're on the subject, did you see what happened to donald trump's star today? [ cheers and applause ]
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as you know, donald trump has a star on the hollywood walk of fame, or he did, he doesn't anymore. earlier this morning that star had an unfortunate encounter with a pickax. this is a - tmz managed to get the footage of this man. you know, people ask me what's it like to work on hollywood boulevard? and this is the answer. there's a man walking around at 3:30 a.m. with a pickax. that is what it's like. >> right, breaking news right now that we're following, cleanup under way in hollywood after president donald trump's star on the hollywood walk of fame was destroyed this morning. >> i'm like, why you hitting the star? what did donald trump do to you? he just came at the star, hitting it. i'm thinking -- there's always something down here. i'm like, man, why you doing that? that's not right, that's not cool. >> jimmy: that is not cool. will someone please find that guy and hire him to be our receptionist? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] by the way, the suspect, the man
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who did it, turns himself in. the crime is still being investigated by the lapmcu, that's the perfect metaphor crime unit. the thing is politics aside, you hate to see something like this. you hate to see the natural beauty of hollywood boulevard tainted. it hurts all of us. to make sure this doesn't happen again, the president now has security on the boulevard protecting his star. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that's what comrades do for other comrades. [ cheers and applause ] if anyone even thinks about trying this, those guys will be there to say nyet. now the only way to pee on trump is if you're a hooker at the moscow ritz. [ cheers and applause ] [ rim shot ] i know. truth be told, while the president's star may have been damaged, good news is his hand and footprints at the chinese theater across the street are fine, they are unmolested.
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[ laughter ] after the white house announced last week they'd get a visit from vladimir putin in the fall, an announcement that was the subject of much criticism, the russians announced that vladimir putin isn't ready to accept trump's invitation to the white house. you know things are bad when vladimir putin is worried about being seen with you. [ laughter ] so they're pushing the meeting to sometime next year. presumably when mike pence is in charge. [ laughter ] essentially putin declined the invitation to the white house. like the golden state warriors. [ laughter ] you know? i love that the nba champions -- [ cheers and applause ] -- weren't invited, putin was. here's a good little nugget. according to the failing "new york times," during trump's last trip overseas the president got very upset because melania's tv on air force one, apparently they have separate televisions too, melania's tv was tuned to cnn when he got on the plane, he saw it and flipped out. apparently the president is
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worried if melania watches cnn, she'll fall in love with wolf blitzer but it's impossible not to. this wasn't just a gossip item. a spokesperson for the first lady put out a statement. she said melania quote watches any tv channel she wants. the fact that a spokesperson for the first lady has to announce that she watches any channel she wants? for me that's kind of all you need to know about the whole thing. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] last night on cnn, i don't know if you saw this they released the audiotape of donald trump talking to his former lawyer, michael cohen. tape was recorded covertly by michael cohen two months before the election. on it they discuss paying off a former playboy model named karen mcdougal with whom the president allegedly had an affair for about a year. trump suggested on the tape that they pay her in cash, but the president's current lawyer, rudy giuliani, has been working up quite a defense, he says what we heard isn't what we heard.
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giuliani says trump didn't say "pay her with cash," he said, "don't pay with cash." just like when he meant to say "wouldn't" instead of "would" at the press conference with putin. and even though the president very clearly says -- [ applause ] -- "pay with cash," here's why he didn't say pay with cash. >> it's also foolhardy for them to try to kind of yell and scream and make believe what's on the tape. there's no way the president's going to be talking about setting up a corporation and then using cash. unless you're a complete idiot. and the president's not an idiot. >> jimmy: oh, he's not? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] because sometimes, i'm going to be honest with you, sometimes it kind of seems like he is. [ laughter ] >> i went over the tape over the weekend about five times. what i urge people to do is just go on, listen to your broadcast, you played the tape, the third time you play it, it will become clear. >> jimmy: that's right. after the third time you've
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played the tape, beetlejuice will appear and explain the whole thing. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but really, for any other president, a tape like this, on which we hear his voice, his married voice, suggesting that his lawyer pay a playboy bunny $150,000 in cash to keep her quiet, for any other president there would be an address to the nation tonight. he would be sitting at a desk, arms folded, serious face. he'd apologize to his wife, his family, possibly jesus, i don't know. we might even have to get barbara walters involved. but for this president, there's no statement. for him, just wednesday. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and his response, of course, is what his response always is, is to kill the messenger. he went after michael cohen on twitter, what kind of a lawyer would tape a client, so sad, is this a first, never heard of it before, why was the tape so abruptly terminated, cut while i was presumably saying positive
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things, i hear there are other clients and many reporters that are taped, can this be so, too bad. what kind of a lawyer would tape a client? i have the answer. a not too bright, shady, double-dealing lawyer who was hired by an even shadier, even double-dealier, and not too bright man. the kind of lawyer -- [ cheers and applause ] -- you hired. and employed. for more than ten years. that's what kind of lawyer. and what makes the tape such a big deal is it proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that trump knew about payments to karen mcdougal, which means when he said he had no knowledge of this transaction, he lied. and you know what that means. if he lied, it means we have to lock hillary up. [ laughter ] i mean, it's time. anyway, this is why he doesn't want melania watching cnn. michael cohen now has a lawyer. his name is lanny davis. and this is what trump's lawyer's lawyer had to say about this cash payoff business last night. >> everybody heard just now
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donald trump say the word "cash," cash after michael cohen mentioned financing. when mr. giuliani and mr. trump through mr. giuliani accused my client, mr. cohen, of saying the word "cash." the only people who use cash are drug dealers and mobsters. >> jimmy: right. and nail salons i think also. [ laughter ] you know this tape, when you hear trump and cohen talk, it does feel like they're characters out of a mobster movie or drug dealers or something. since we only have the audio, no video, we decided to give this the hollywood treatment. these are scenes from the new movie "the don." >> i need to open up a company for the transfer of all of that info regarding our friend david. it's all the stuff. >> if he gets hit by a -- >> correct. i'm all over that. i spoke to alan about it. when it comes time for the financing --
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>> what financing? >> we'll have to pay -- >> pay cash. >> no, no, i got -- no, no, no. we got served from "the new york times," i told you this, regarding the -- unseal the divorce papers with ivana. we're fighting it. >> get me a trump list. >> jimmy: all because a playmate said hello. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to take a break. when we come back, jeff ross goes out on the street to host a special edition of "roast battle for kids." stick around, we'll be right back. (sas-bot) ohh... i love you iphone x. (sprintern) whoah! (sas-bot) nothing. hmm? nothing. (sprintern) iphone x! i love that you can unlock it with faceid. (employee) i love that it's on sprint's network built for unlimited. (sprintern) sprint's best deal ever. you know they're flying off the shelves. don't you love it? (sas-bot) love? who said that? i didn't say that. (sprintern) well this just got... (sas-bot) okay! terrific! (sprintern)...awkward. (sas-bot) yeah, thank you!
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this might be a first. this is from college football. it's a cautionary tale about the dangers of trying to find your uber when you are under the influence of alcohol. >> kirk ferentz tells reporters at big 10 media days he suspended defensive tackle brady reeve for iowa's first game. reeve got a public intoxication charge saturday when university police say reeve mistook a police car for uber and got in. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's called cutting out the middle man. the good news is he gave the arresting officer five stars, so everyone's happy. [ laughter ] i mentioned the roastmaster general, jeff ross, is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] you may know jeff from all the comedy central roasts. he has the comedy central roast of bruce willis on sunday night, and he's the host of the show "roast battle" on that network too. "roast battle season 3" premieres tuesday. this is a fun show, a one on one insult match, comedians go back and forth on stage trading brutal blows about each other.
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comedians are all adults but we thought it might be fun to try this same idea out with kids. so we sent jeff out on hollywood boulevard to meet some kids, to pair them off and teach them to insult each other. >> happy summertime, you guys ready to roast? >> yeah! >> when i was a kid i got bullied. only way i could stop the bullying was to roast the bully back. you guys want to learn how to roast each other? >> yes! >> who wants to go first? come out here, come out here, bring your brother. >> battle, battle, battle, battle! >> let's roast! >> boy, you're so ugly, hello kitty said good-bye. >> oh! that's a good one. >> all right, well at least i don't look like someone picked me up out of a trash can. >> oh! >> that's a pretty good one. >> this is real brother on brother stuff right now. >> yeah, it is. >> this guy's got his hand up, come over here. >> you look like e.t. >> boy, you look like a man that
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has no ability. >> a man who has no ability? >> i've had it up to here with you! >> what? >> it's a short joke, christian. >> i don't get it. >> you don't get it? >> because i am short? >> yeah. >> battle, battle, battle! >> look at him, look at those pink sneakers, come on, get him. >> why are you wearing mom's sneakers? >> i borrowed them from you. >> how come you're wearing my belt? >> how come you're wearing a big chain? >> because i wanted to buy it. >> this is too real. >> the chain's not, though. >> the chain's not real, oh! >> why are you wearing the curtain from grandma's house? >> oh! >> it's called fashion. something you don't understand. >> oh! >> no, it's called ugly.
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>> oh! >> you know something about ugly every time you look in the mirror. >> oh! >> any volunteers, anybody want to roast me real quick? >> tell me why your shirt looks like a 5-year-old tried to draw a sunset. >> oh! >> take off your hat. i think i have something in my teeth, can i check? >> oh! you got me, you got me. >> i can see your nipples through your shirt, you need to get a bigger size -- oh, wait, they don't have one. >> oh! >> come on, what do you got on me? >> it's in the middle of the summer, why are you wearing halloween clothes? >> oh! let me have it, what about this bald head? >> you should have shaved it more so i could see your brain. >> what do you miss more, your sleeves or your teeth? >> oh! >> bobby, can i have a hug?
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that was awesome, bud. you killed it, bud. >> battle, battle! >> signing off, this is jeff ross, happy roasting, everybody! >> battle, battle! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i like it. i think that could be a thing, right? all right. thanks to jeff ross. apologies to the parents. tonight on the show, music from brent cobb. jeff ross will be back. and we'll be right back with henry cavill, so stick around! (vo) love. i got it. i gotcha baby. (vo) it's being there when you're needed most. he's the one. (vo love is knowing... it was meant to be. and love always keeps you safe. (vo) love is why we built a car you can trust for a long time. the all-new subaru impreza sedan and five-door. a car you can love no matter what road you're on. the subaru impreza. more than a car, it's a subaru. right now, get 0% apr financing on the 2018 subaru impreza.
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mercedes-benz stage. tomorrow night, adam carolla and sam heughan will join us. and we'll have music from the interrupters. please join us for that tomorrow too. our first guest tonight is a proud, hard-working foreigner. he was born on the planet krypton. after sharing the screen with wonder woman and batman, he joins a real life hero -- tom cruise -- in "mission: impossible - fallout." it opens friday. please say hello to henry cavill. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very good to see you. >> good to see you too. >> jimmy: i saw you last night because i saw the movie last night. i had a mission impossible of my own trying to get across the street. >> i heard. >> jimmy: the movie is great, first of all. really, it's an amazing movie. it's exactly as you hope it would be. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you do a great job in it and tom cruise does a great job in it. >> sure does.
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>> jimmy: i want to tell you something, and i'm not joking here when i tell you this. i was getting angry watching him do these stunts in this movie. because it seems just irresponsible at this point. [ laughter ] and i worry that you then get dragged into this, because tom's like riding around like a maniac on a motorcycle with no helmet on, then you're like, oh, great, now i have to ride around like a maniac on a motorcycle with no helmet on. [ laughter ] >> yeah, no -- i get where you're coming from. >> jimmy: is he nuts? is he out of his mind? does he have a death wish? >> you know what? you would assume so. >> jimmy: yes, you would. >> he doesn't. >> jimmy: does he ever get hurt? >> yes, he does. >> jimmy: you've seen him bleed? [ laughter ] see that? >> i'm not sure he bleeds. >> jimmy: i don't know that he bleeds either. when an inflatable raft bleeds, a little bit of air comes out, then somebody comes and glues it and it's right back to work.
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>> he actually -- when he broke his ankle on set -- >> jimmy: he did break an ankle? >> he actually broke an ankle during a stunt. he was told immediately by doctors, they said you won't be able to use it or put weight properly on it until like six months from now. >> jimmy: oh. >> and he said, okay, that's not okay, that's not going to work. and you may never run again. >> jimmy: really? wow. >> wait, wait, wait for it. six weeks later. six weeks later he was running again. >> jimmy: by the way, i'm glad to hear it was only six weeks. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i thought it was going to be next morning, or he raced out of the hospital at full tom cruise speed. when he runs, his hands go like up, it's weird. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow, that's something else. so then did you want to do your own stunts? >> absolutely, i really, really did. it's actually one of the biggest heartbreaks was that i walked onto set, and i said right, guys, wade eastward, the stunt coordinator, executive director, i said, any stunt that's not
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going to involve me killing anyone else if i get it wrong. >> jimmy: i see. >> serious potential, count me in. >> jimmy: gotcha. you've not worried about your own welfare, you're worried about the welfare of those around you. >> anything for the audience. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: why are you worried about the welfare of those around you? had you ridden a motorcycle before? >> no. >> jimmy: oh. great. >> that was actually -- that was a real kicker for me. i turned up on set, they said so, motorcycle license? and i said, uh -- no. do i need one? they went, hm, yeah. and i said, when do we have to do the sequence? they went in a week's time. i said, i can do it in a week. they went, no, you can't. i said, okay, what do we do? i was kicking myself at this point because about two, three years ago i had not taken my license. because i figured -- i got excited about motorbikes, yeah, i want to get my license. then i thought, i'm 30-plus, i don't want to -- >> jimmy: start this now. >> be this stupid. >> jimmy: yeah, right. like tom does. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah.
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>> and i didn't realize i was going to use it for work ever. so i had an opportunity and they said, you know what, we'll build a special rig for you. and after that i was so gutted with my failure that i went and passed my motorcycle license during shooting. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, wow. when you get a motorcycle license, is it like when you get a regular driving license? or is the like guy, the dmv guy, on the bike with you? [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah, he's on the front, facing you. >> jimmy: writing things down. >> trying to read your instruments. >> jimmy: is it a hard test? >> lovely guy too. >> jimmy: and he was. >> still in touch. >> al: that's good, that's nice. >> can't get rid of that. what happens is we have three parts in the uk. the uk test is notoriously difficult. >> jimmy: oh, it's harder than ours? >> as i understand. >> jimmy: gotcha, okay. i believe it, believe me, i'm not challenging that in any way. >> we do a theory test, which is
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multiple choice like s.a.t.s. >> jimmy: right. >> on a computer. and then we do module one in a car park, slow maneuvers. and also emergency stops. once you pass that you can do mod two, on road with an instructor riding on a bike behind you, separate bike, and he's giving you information and communications, telling you what to do. >> jimmy: you passed all of those things? >> yes. >> jimmy: they gave you the actual physical license? or make a notation on your current license? >> they -- you hand your card in, they go and change it, send it back. >> jimmy: are you still -- riding on the wrong side of the road over there as well? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> the correct side of the road. >> jimmy: the correct side of the road? either way you look at that. >> the original side of the road. >> jimmy: we think of the right side of the road as the right side of the road. when you say original side of the road, you mean what? you mean when americans invented cars? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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i'll pull that superman "s" right off your chest! henry cavill. we're going to take a break. we'll see one of the great fight scenes i've ever seen in my life when we come back. henry cavill is here. the movie is "mission impossible - fallout." ♪movement was my only tell ♪running through the door as i start to yell♪ ♪movement was my only chance ♪full speed ahead was my only plan♪ ♪i'm moving while you talk ya talk♪ ♪don't talk, gon' break ya jaw ♪i'm coming up ♪my movements coming up ♪i'm coming up ♪my movements coming up ♪ advil liqui-gels minis. breakthrough in pain relief. a mighty small pill with concentrated power that works at liquid speed. you'll ask...
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>> jimmy: wow. that's henry cavill, tom cruise, in "mission impossible: fallout." i could be a little off, that's about a quarter of that scene i think, right? >> yeah, yeah, there's more to it. >> jimmy: that's a great scene. how long does it take to shoot a scene like that? >> we had it scheduled for four days. >> jimmy: four days. >> it was four weeks. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. the problem with working with perfectionists like mchugh and tom cruise, when it's not right, you keep on shooting. >> jimmy: you spent a month in a bathroom? [ laughter ] >> yes, two guys on camera. >> jimmy: yeah. may i ask, who is the actor who's beating you guys up? he is awesome. >> he's amazing, isn't he? liang yang. he was a member of eastwood action stunts for that scene. and -- >> jimmy: is he some kind of champion fighter? >> he's really, really good. >> jimmy: yeah, he is good. >> a great performer too. like he really sells that scene. if it wasn't for his performance, it wouldn't be the same scene.
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>> jimmy: he does, he's fierce. he's scary. >> he kicks ass. >> jimmy: he does. >> i think he's gone on to do fight coordinating on big projects. >> jimmy: oh, really, boy. yeah, all right. >> a step up. >> jimmy: yeah, i gotcha. >> very good. >> jimmy: he is very, very good. did tom cruise give you a big present? he's a big gift giver. did he give you a present at the end of this film? >> the famous christmas thing which happens every year, tom sends a christmas cake. >> jimmy: a coconut cake. >> coconut cake, yes. i heard about this coconut cake. >> jimmy: right. >> and then one day i received said coconut cake which said "happy christmas, henry, from tom cruise." >> jimmy: right. >> which is pretty cool, by the way. >> jimmy: right. [ cheers ] >> i thought, there's no way i'm eating that, made of healthy stuff, i don't do healthy at christmas. a friend saw the cake, what's that? i said, that's a cake from tom cruise. and they said, sorry, say that again? i said, that's a cake from tom cruise.
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they went, why aren't you eating it? i said, it's probably healthy. they said, cult it open. cut it open, it is the most luxurious, unhealthy cake. so i ate the whole thing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you can do that. you're not supposed to eat the whole thing by yourself? tom sends me the cake, i didn't even spend four weeks in a bathroom with him. [ laughter ] >> you should try it. >> jimmy: if he invites me, i would love to fight him for a month in a bathroom. well, congratulations on the movie. and it's great. "mission impossible: fallout." it opens friday. henry cavill, everybody. be right back with jeff ross! welcome! so what do you look for in a vehicle? dependability is top on my list. well then, here's some vehicles that deliver on that. that's our truck! they're our cars! chevy's the only brand to have earned j.d. power dependability awards across cars, trucks and suvs - three years in a row.
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>> jimmy: oh, wow. still to come, music from brent cobb. ever since our next guest was a little boy growing up in new jersey he had one dream -- to make fun of every person in the world. you can see him realizing that dream on the journey called "jeff ross presents roast battle" tuesday nights at 10:00 p.m. on comedy central. please welcome jeff ross!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: there we go. i feel like i should maybe be saluting you with your garb. >> hello there. >> jimmy: what's going on with this jacket? >> i'm in full roast mode. >> jimmy: this is a big weekend for you. >> this is like my biggest week. i love roast week so much. >> jimmy: i think of this like easter and you're the bunny. or like jerry lewis telethon and you're jerry. >> don rickles used to say, every roast i dress up it's like jewish halloween. >> jimmy: you always have a costume of some kind. the comedy central roast, which is a cherished annual event, bruce willis is the person you're roasting. >> yes, we're roasting him on sunday night. >> jimmy: were you at all concerned going into this, because bruce willis can be very quiet. >> right. >> jimmy: and intimidating. >> right. >> jimmy: sometimes he says
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nothing at all. >> right. >> jimmy: were you worried about him as the subject of the roast? >> you know, i'd heard all that. and i met him and spent some time with him. then he called me a couple of times before the roast and said, jeff, don't hold back. if you hold back, i look bad. he said, throw stones, and i'm going to throw them right back. >> jimmy: he did. >> i said he looks like a bouncer at a nursing home. [ laughter ] he looks like a white trash sir patrick stewart. how is it possible, bruce willis looks like a nazi and a holocaust victim at the same time. he looks like a retired snake that won't grow back its skin anymore. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did he like it? did he enjoy the experience? >> he beat the [ bleep ] out of me. [ laughter ] no, he loved it. he actually loved it. he really had a good time with it. i think even big stars, you know, they love being the center
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of attention. even when there's an arrow. >> jimmy: who else roasted bruce with you? >> edward norton. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> great actor. and i was surprised. because i don't know how they know each other. i always thought edward norton does good movies. [ laughter ] and of course it was a big surprise that demi moore, bruce's ex-wife, came out. >> jimmy: was that really a surprise? >> i was surprised and bruce was certainly surprised. >> jimmy: he was. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's got to be the worst, when your ex-wife walks up. >> especially because, you know, she left him for the dumb guy from "dude, where's my car?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did it go over well? did she get personal with him? >> she came out like thunder. she looked like she was hosting an awards -- she looked fabulous, she's so beautiful. then she undercut it all with these really funny jokes and her daughters were in the audience and it wound up being a very family affair. i think bruce actually had a really good time. >> jimmy: how did dennis rodman wind up on the dais? what is his connection? >> that one's on me.
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i wanted somebody besides bruce that i could just relentlessly make fun of. >> jimmy: right. >> so i invited, of course, our new secretary of state, dennis rodman. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> when he speaks, i don't know if you've heard him, he is kim jong-unintelligible. and he started to cry. >> jimmy: no, no. >> yes. he started crying. and i said to him afterwards, why are you crying, dennis? he said, i was overcome by my love for bruce willis. >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. have you seen people cry at the roasts before? >> you know, one time -- i feel like -- it was danny aiello. >> jimmy: really. >> way back at a friars club roast. they roasted him so relentlessly. >> jimmy: no.
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>> he started weeping. >> jimmy: no. >> and i love danny aiello, he's a man's man. >> jimmy: sure. >> sometimes these things do get emotional. it's not even the jokes that hurt, i think you start to hear about your whole career and your whole life, and i think people -- the vulnerability as an actor, these actors, they get very emotional. >> jimmy: it's like a really mean funeral. it is. [ laughter ] >> i like that. >> jimmy: let's talk about "roast battle." i love this show. i've seen you do it live many times. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i was a judge on one of the incar elevations of "roast battle." you're not doing tournament style anymore. >> right. >> jimmy: what is the format now? >> i wanted to do my dream matchups this time. instead of having a bracket, a tournament, i thought, if i just find the funniest matchups i can, it could be more of a party. >> jimmy: rather than pairing them off randomly, like by seed or whatever, you are able to put people who fit together. >> right. we have a husband and wife battling. >> jimmy: that's a terrible idea. [ laughter ] >> yeah. we actually have a paramedic and a divorce attorney backstage,
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just in case they need it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who else? >> and we had twin brothers last night. the sclarr brothers. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, they're funny guys. >> cris: they'll be on this week. >> jimmy: they're identical twins? >> they are. i've known them my entire career. still not sure which one is which. but they were so funny. i don't want to tell you what happened. but yeah, brother on brother roasting. >> jimmy: i love the idea of identical twins roasting each other. any joke about your appearance is a joke about your appearance, really. [ laughter ] >> yeah. we finally found out which brother is the funniest. >> jimmy: good. >> i'm sure it was the one that died at childbirth. >> jimmy: i didn't know that. what's going on with you and blake griffin? blake griffin, if you don't know, nba player who played for the clippers, he's now with detroit. >> right. he's playing with the pistons now. >> jimmy: he's challenging you online to a roast battle. >> he hit me up on twitter and said that i should try roast battling someone my own weight for a change.
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[ laughter ] and blake griffin, i looked up who he was. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and it turns out he's a basketball player. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> who's a redhead. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and dated kendall jenner. so i'm like, i think there's a lot of material here. [ laughter ] so i've never roasted a redheaded stepchild before. and i think it's going to be a really -- it will be my first-ever time coming off the judge's table and i'm going to do my first roast. >> jimmy: you're going to destroy -- i mean, honestly, he would have a better -- he's a funny guy, blake griffin, but you'd have a better chance i think playing basketball against him than he's going to have in this situation. >> he challenged me to one round of roast battle, which i accepted, because basketball fans know blake griffin never gets out of the first round. [ audience moaning ]
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>> jimmy: that's going to be fun. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so we got the roast of sunday night. >> then right after that we're premiering. >> jimmy: right after that you premiere, then you will go to tuesday nights on comedy central. >> that's right. >> jimmy: jeff ross, everybody. "jeff ross presents roast battle." the roast of bruce willis too. be right back with music from brent cobb! >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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to form a micro-barrier against paint bleed, giving you the sharpest lines possible. get professional results with frogtape... no messy lines, no paint bleed. for sharp lines every time, frog it! >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: thanks to henry cavill, thanks to jeff ross. apologies to matt damon. this is his album "providence canyon." here with the song "ain't a road too long" -- brent cobb! ♪ ♪ ♪ had people ask too many times in the past man why do you do the work that you do ♪
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♪ don't you ever worry the means won't lead to an end and you'll be stuck broke lonesome and blue ♪ ♪ now i ain't the kind to go and mess with folks minds ♪ ♪ i don't intend to be offended too easily ♪ ♪ instead i grit and i grin i tell them here's the truth friend ♪ that pleases me ♪ ♪ let me lay it on you like this there ain't a road too long ♪ ♪ all i got is my good name and my family waiting back home ♪ ♪ so i keep driving stay in my lane there ain't a load to heavy to haul ♪ ♪ to keep me gone there ain't a road too long ♪ ♪ now don't get me wrong
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sometimes it's tough going on takes all i got to not just give it a rest ♪ ♪ but it ain't as hard as it seems keeping a grip on a dream ♪ ♪ i mean i know i'm overflowing with blessed ♪ ♪ with the support of a wife i thank god for my life and all my lucky stars above ♪ ♪ i try to focus on the moment and mostly good emotions ♪ ♪ like happy gratitude and love so listen to me there ain't a road too long ♪ ♪ all i got is my good name and my family waiting back home ♪ ♪ so i keep driving stay in my lane there ain't a load too heavy to haul ♪ ♪ to keep me gone there ain't a road too long ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ all i got is my good name and my family waiting back home ♪ ♪ so i keep driving stay in my lane there ain't a load too heavy to haul ♪ ♪ to keep me gone insane
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♪ all i got is my good name and my family waiting back home ♪ ♪ so i keep driving stay in my lane there ain't a load too heavy to haul ♪ ♪ to keep me gone there ain't a road too long ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, life on trial. their hopes for more children crushed when a fertility clinic malfunction destroyed their embryos. >> obviously there has to be some kind of criminal responsibility when we've left lives in their hands. >> now they're in court fighting for those lost embryos to be considered real people. but could a ruling that embryos are people lead to overturning roe v. wade? plus the mystery of me. a curious dna test unraveling a long-kept family secret. >> he says, there's not an easy way for me to tell you this, but i'm your biological father. >> when her world turned upside down, she turned to a private facebook support group. now with almost 2,000

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