tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 13, 2019 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
thanks for your time. dan >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- matt leblanc, from "us", winston duke, and music from tomberlin. and now, coming this way, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: very nice. very kind. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. i'm glad you're a part of this. i really am. i'm glad you're, everybody's upbeat, because today was a, it
was a very, very unhash tag blessed day today. facebook and instagram have been down since 9:00 this morning. you remember that scene in "back to the future" when marty's family start ths vanishing? when instagram went down, same thing happened to the kardashians. we lost rob sadly. i don't know what to do. i was force to the go outside to show polaroids of my lunch to people out on the street. fortunately for our president, twitter was up and running, no problem at all. trump was tapping his tiny little fingers to weigh in on comedy shows. he wrote jay leno points out that comedy on the very boring late night shows is totally one-sided. it's tough. for me, unwatchable.
what a snowflake, but remember, we are number one, president. are we sure english is the first language? because what the president was referring to was an interview with jay leno on the "today" show during which leno was talking about how talk shows have changed since he went off the air. >> when people see you as one-sided it makes it tough. plus, i did it when, you know, clinton was horny and bush was dumb, and it was a little easier. . >> jimmy: he's right. it is harder. because trump is dumb and horny at the same time. so now we have to cover both things. here's this thing. i hear this a lot. i don't want to talk about donald trump every night. none of us do. but he gives us no choice. if he sat in the white house all day quietly working on things i would almost never mention him, because it's not interesting. before 10:00 this morning, his
former campaign chairman was sentenced to prison for the second time in a week. he called himself the most successful president in history and tweeted to let people know his wife hasn't been replaced with a body double. not supposed to mention that. [cheers and applause] obama wore mom jeans one time. we made jokes about it for six straight years. how about this. you stop being terrible. we'll stop pointing it out, okay? [cheers and applause] i will say, i do have to say i'm flattered he's watching, considering the fact that we are in the middle of a national emergency. are the caravans here yet? or are those is still on the way? >> still on the way. >> jimmy: make some calls, will you, guillermo? and this idea that all the talk show hosts are against him. i guess he hasn't been watching his press secretary's father, sarah huckabee's dad mike hosts
what might be the funniest of all. >> robin metcalfe says once a chicken has its own gps tracker, quote, people who potentially will buy that chicken will know every step that chicken has taken. not to belittle the noble chicken, but i'm sure there are hens all across miamerica sayin with this technology, we're running out of cluck. >> jimmy: see, now that's comedy the way it used to be. this melania body double conspiracy i mentioned, something's been making the rounds online because of this photograph of the happy couple. so the theory is, when trump went to alabama on friday he was accompanied bay body double instead of his actual wife. some people believe this is a fake melania. the real melania is like, trust me, i wish it was a fake melania. it was not. for whatever reason, this made
the president mad and tweeted, the fake news photo shopped pictures of melania and propelled conspiracy theories that it's actually not her by my side. they are only getting more deranged with time, says the man who claims hillary clinton runs a cockfighting game in the basement of chuck e. cheese. paul manafort was sentenced for witness tampering which brings his total sentence to seven and a half years. it's kind of funny, felicity huffman may do more time. he said i'm sorry, ms. jackson. i'm for real. apologize a trillion times. paul manafort really pleaded with the judge. he said i'm 70 years old, please let me and my wife be together. so she threw his wife in prison
too. less than an hour after the sentence was hand down, manafort was hit with new charges. the district attorney of manhattan unsealed a 16-count indictment that could put him behind bars for crimes that cannot be pardoned by the president. this has been a very bad day for paul manafort. yesterday the justice department charged 50 people with what is said to be the biggest college admission scam of all time. 33 wealthy parents of kids are caught up in what feels like the sequel to the fyre festival. among the parents charged are actress lori husband, massimo. and she got her child in for rowing who doesn't row. the other part of the scam,
parents would hire a ringer for a middleman to take their s.a.t. tests po tests for them. we were able to get in touch with one, chip anderson, a high school student in orange county. let's go to chip now. and chip. thank you, chip for -- [ applause ] >> what's the problem, bro, i'm chillin' all gucci with my squad in study hall. we unfleek. >> jimmy: chip, chip, what grade did you say you were in? >> don't throw shade on me, thirsty day. i'm a sophomore. skirt. >> jimmy: you look more like a senior, a citizen, incidentally. >> that's dope. >> jimmy: it's not dope. dopamin dope means good.
that was a compliment. >> i'm not really a 15-year-old. i'm grown man with no swag at all. >> jimmy: why were you wearing that ridiculous disguise? >> how else am i going to sneak into a high school to take the s.a.t.s? they're expecting a teenager, what are you, >> jimmy: what is that? >> it's an s.a.t. word. >> jimmy: don't you feel sorry pour a for all the students who actually worked hard to get into college? >> feel bad? i'm makin' bank. i i'm making money moves like cardi b. >> jimmy: have any celebrities paid you to take tests for their kids? >> of course. in 20 minutes i have to take
aalg algebra test for suri cruise. her dad's giving me a jet ski. it's lit. >> jimmy: i hope you're proud of yourself. >> come on, like you've never paid someone to be you to cheat on a test? >> jimmy: no, actually, believe it or not i haven't. >> your parents must be broke af. >> jimmy: maybe so. maybe that is why. i don't know. >> that's tight. look, i gotta jet. i'm going to play my brchonies. >> jimmy: speaking of tips. my aunt chippy was on tv on monday. my aunt chippy had a guest acting spot on a true crime show on investigation discovery, the channel. it's called "betrayed." she played a woman who is
friends with a woman who good murdered. they reenact the whole thing. with that said, i present for your emmy consideration my aunt chippy. >> pricilla, i wish you would meet a nice guy for a change. it's just been one creep after another. >> i know. i have never been lucky in love. >> what do you know about these guys that you meet at these parties? >> well, i guess all i know is that he was married. >> oh. >> jimmy: that's some serious, that's some high-caliber acting going on there. so what aunt chippy didn't know is the reason she was there was so we could pull a prank on her. i'm always looking for new ways to get her going, and she loves this show "betrayed." so we told her they contacted us to give her a part on had show. we deployed my cousin sal to go undercover and believe it or not we got her again. >> all right, we're on the set
of the show "betrayed", where my aunt chippy is a real guest star and my director over here, neil, is a fake director. do you now what you're doing? >> no, i don't know what i'm doing. >> grade, go get her. >> hi. >> hi, aunt chippy? neil, nice to meet you. >> i'm not used to reading lines. on my nephew's show, i just do whatever the hell happens. oh, [ bleep ]. >> she's extra salty today. we're good. >> okay, let's just try to get a little good vibes going among the actors. maybe we try vocal exercises, everybody just says ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,ba. >> ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. >> ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. >> okay, we're rollin'. >> i know you're late, did you
get makeup? >> you got makeup, right? you're running a little late, that's okay. i just wanted to make sure it's where it needs to be. and. we'll do it. okay. your first line is, you can put me down for a set. we're at a toughie-ware party. >> toughie-ware? it's tupperware. >> you can put me down fior a set. action. >> this is our number one best seller, ladies. >> i'll take that. >> cut. you can put me down for a set, a set of tupy-ware. >> i hope you enjoy the finger sandwiches. >> i know i have a line. >> pricilla, i wish you could meet a nice guy. it's been one creep after
another. >> action. >> i wish you could find a guy that isn't a creep. >> cut. >> i wish could you find somebody that's not a creep for a change. >> cut. >> i wish you could find somebody other than a creep. >> back up. >> you just never find the right guy. find somebody that's not a creep. just one guy after another. >> mm-hm. >> i think the problem is, you're it trying you're to do a brooklyn accent. >> are you doing an accent on purpose? >> no. that's the way i talk. >> what accent is that? >> brooklyn. >> i was born there. i'm a big fan of "sopranos". my brother lived in williamsburg from 2009 to 2010. >> oh, does he? >> can you try the line with maybe a little less of the accent that you have? >> i'll try. >> just in case the executives
don't go for the brooklyn thing that you're trying to do. >> [ bleep ]. that was brooklyn. >> that was brooklyn, out on the stoop. forget about it, pizza. action. >> pricilla. >> that's a little too much brooklyn. pricilla. >> pricilla, i wish you could meet a nice guy for a change. it's been one creep after another. >> one more vocal exercise? ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,ba. >> here we go. here we go. >> ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> ba, ba,ba. >> i want to do another take of this, but i'd like you to really have a reaction to the finger sandwiches. can you inhale like you're surprised to see the finger sandwiches. >> i hope everyone enjoys the
finger sandwiches. >> ah. >> can everyone say finger sandwiches? >> finger sandwiches. >> so, guys, we've got to start focussing on set. this is a job. no [ bleep ] way. what was she wearing? what was she wearing? what was she wearing, question mark. i'm on set. we're running behind. yeah, it's a [ bleep ] show. let's move it. okay. ow. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. >> ah, got my finger! hmm, okay, everybody focus up. we wasted a lot of time this morning. we'll take it from the very end of your line. action, we haven't got, action. we haven't gotten the second
half of the scene, action. >> it's wonderful how you support yourself. >> pricilla, it's been -- >> okay, cut. let's just try with a sexier bite. >> okay, i want everybody to be just a little bit more aroused, maybe. okay? action. >> it's wonderful how you support yourself. >> and that's as sexy as you can get? can you say mm? >> mm. >> can you do it in a more womanly way? i'm hearing >> hmm. >> that's too italian. too italian. >> it's still too italian. >> okay. let's get somebody who's not italian. >> okay. >> i'm trying to follow your advice. >> we have an understudy in here. can we get you in here, sally?
>> all right, i'm ready to take over. ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. >> you! i don't believe you [ bleep ] and you! you deserve a smack, too. [ bleep ]. and keep showing that brooklyn [ bleep ] has got me crazy. shut up. i'm in a nightmare. this is a nightmare. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you, aunt chippy. tonight on the show, we've got music from tomberlin. winston duke is here. and we'll be right back with matt leblanc. ♪ abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by allstate. by allstate. oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief...
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>> jimmy: tonight, from the new jordan peele movie called "us," winston duke is here. then, her album is titled "at weddings." tomberlin from the mercedes-benz stage. this is the album. you can see tomberlin live on tour, starting march 25th in portland, oregon. tomorrow night, joseph gordon-levitt will be here, angela bassett will join us, and we'll have music from half-alive. so please join us for that. our first guest tonight is a golden globe-winning tv star and the only one of the six "friends" who has any idea how to change a flat tire. his show is called "man with a plan," watch it monday nights on cbs. please say hello to matt leblanc. [cheers and applause] ♪
>> all right. >> i like t . >> jimmy: i like the view. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're a car guy. is it just cars? trucks, motorized vehicles? >> cars, trucks, bikes, sewing machines. i love it all. >> jimmy: since were you a kid? >> yeah. do you have a car? >> jimmy: yeah, i have a car. >> then you're a car guy. >> jimmy: i'm a guy with a car for sure. i don't know how to fix it. i tried to get into it once. i rebuilt the master cylinder in my hamazda rx 7. how many cars do you have? >> too many. >> jimmy: do you have them in a big display type of situation? >> i keep them in a barn. >> jimmy: in a barn? >> yeah.
with the mice. >> jimmy: oh, like a real farm barn. >> yeah, out at the farm, yeah. >> jimmy: are you constantly looking online and looking up auctions and bidding and doing all that stuff. >> yeah. i was in florida. i went to amelia island, there was a big event, went to sell a car down there. >> jimmy: oh, you went to sell one. >> went to sell one of my cars, and it didn't sell. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> and, uh. >> jimmy: you brought it all the way to florida? >> after i brought it to a different one in august. it didn't sell there, either. i was kind of upset. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, you know, and they have a down, you're sitting there, and they have the open bar with the waitress coming by, have another cocktail, have another cocktail. next thing you know, i've had about four, five beers, and i buy a jeep. [ laughter ] so, and, i see, i gotta have
that. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> what is it? it's one of those. you wake up in the hotel sunday morning, and like pull this pink slip out of your pocket, what the hell? >> jimmy: a jeep next to you. >> yeah, a jeep next to you. >> jimmy: so you went to sell a car to have no cars and you end up with two cars. >> so now there's a semi with my car and a new car on its way back from florida, right? >> jimmy: what kind of car is the one you're trying to sell. >> it's an old porsche. >> jimmy: what year? >> it's '85. >> jimmy: is that a rare car? the '85 porsche? >> this particular one is, it was a prototype slant. nobody wants to buy it. >> jimmy: yeah, obviously. >> but the guys at the auction love me. >> jimmy: yeah, because you keep coming and coming. >> not selling and buying. >> jimmy: how old were you when you got your driver's license? >> 16 1/2. >> jimmy: almost right away. >> as soon as the day i was
eligible. >> jimmy: what car did you take that test in? >> i took it in my step dad's car, which is a, surprising that it passed inspection and road legal. it was an amc javelin. anybody remember that car? >> jimmy: oh, yeah, right. >> great car, but not this particular one. the floorboards. you could see right through the floor pan. my birthday's in july, so 16 1/2 puts me in the middle of winter. i had to take it in a javelin that had been hit in the driver's door. plastic taped on the window, wooden block screwed to the gas pedal, because my mother's kind of short so when she drove it she could reach the pedal. and the guy gets in and goes, is this thing road legal? i go it's got a sticker on it, it passed. i guess we're okay. and i had to like, in the blizzard parallel park on a hill
in the snow, but i made it. >> jimmy: yeah, if you can pass the test in that they can give you a driver's license for anything. >> it was the biggest [ bleep ] box ever. >> jimmy: maybe that extreme bad car is what motivated to you have all these cars. maybe you're trying to erase some pain from your young teenage years. >> that's it. that is it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and you got a jeep now do it. >> i got a jeep. >> jimmy: your daughter is how old now? >> 15. >> jimmy: will you be paying a focus fixer to get her into a college? >> not anymore. >> jimmy: matt le blanc is here. the show called a man with a plan. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by guinness. this st. patrick's day, as long as you're celebrating with a guinness, you're doing it right. (dad) it's good to be back.
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>> yes. >> jimmy: matt le blanc and kev kevin nelon. >> he is one of the all-time great guys. >> jimmy: have you been on his hiking talk show where he takes you for a hike and puts you on youtube? >> i just did it. we first started and i was doing "man with a plan", and i'm like, what? go hiking and you shoot it on your phone? >> jimmy: he has a stick, he attaches the phone to the end of the stick and he's hiking and trying to talk into it and you can tell he doesn't really know how it works. >> now he's got this new thing, so it's like a fancy stick. >> oh, really? >> he's got this steady cam thing. like so no-name gopro thing on the end of it. and he's always like fiddling with it. always has it to stop. about every five minutes. here's what people don't know. every five minutes he has to stop and fiddle with it.
>> jimmy: that's what he was doing with me, too. >> that's because he's out of shape. did you notice that? breathing so heavy. ah, ah, ah, i think we're okay. it's nothing wrong with it. your cardiovascular is awful. >> jimmy: i didn't realize that, because i was probably panting right along with him. is it more fun to do a show in front of a live audience? because you did the show "episodes", which was a great show, but there was no audience for that. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. thanks. yeah, when we were doing episodes, you, thanks again. you with really kind. >> jimmy: i loved that show. >> yeah, it was really good writing. a live audience show, that's what "friends" was. >> jimmy: oh, you were on "friends"? >> i was. [cheers and applause]
>> to work in front of a crowd is great, because it's the ultimate sound board. if you say the joke in the scene, and you hear crickets, it's probably not funny. >> jimmy: i learn that every night here. i do. it's a lesson i learn repeatedly. >> it's nice to know. when a joke tanks, over on the side of the stage, like 12 writers, you see them go -- i told you! you stupid. >> jimmy: the writer laughing the hardest is the one who wrote that joke. >> they're both fun. when you're in front of a crowd, it's a little bit broader strokes. you can't, when it's single camera, no koucrowd, you can ki of spend more minutia on the monotonous things. >> jimmy: what about the monkey, do you keep in touch with marcel from "friends"? >> i bought him at an auction. no. i like animals. the monkey was cool.
sherman, not so much. >> jimmy: was he fearful of the monkey? >> no. he had to work with it. the monkey in the show was marcel, but in real life, it was a girl named katie. >> jimmy: that's a revelation. >> one time somebody was shooting a scene with the monkey, and the monkey decides to -- you know, sound stages are huge. they have chains on the ceiling. the monkey just goes shooo, shoo, right up into the ceiling and disappears into the blackness of the sage. all the actors are like, i guess we're on a five, see you later. and i don't know, it took half an hour. they're waving like mealworms. >> jimmy: really? monkeys eat mealworms? >> mealworms, the little
capuchen monkeys. >> jimmy: matt leblanc! "man with a plan" airs monday nights on cbs. winston duke is here. we'll be right back. note note the way you triumph over adversity. and live your lives. that's why we redesigned humira. we wanted to make the experience better for you. now there's less pain immediately following injection. we've reduced the size of the needle and removed the citrate buffers. and it has the same effectiveness you know and trust. humira citrate-free is here. a little change can make a big difference. humira can lower your ability to fight infections. hd 5 hd 5 hd 5 hd 5 hd 5 hd 5 hd 5 liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if you've had tb, hepatitis b,
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jimmy: our next guest is a tobago-born, new york-raised wakandan warrior whom you know from "black panther" and "avengers: infinity war." next you can see him star alongside fellow marvelite lupita nyong'o in jordan peele's new thriller, "us." >> i thought i already done told y'all to get off my property, okay? so if you want to get crazy, we can get crazy. now the cops are already on they way. hey, hey, hey, hey! >> jimmy: "us" opens in theaters a week from friday.
please welcome winston duke. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: how you doin'? >> wonderful, wonderful. >> jimmy: welcome. i forgot how big you are. >> it's just normal days for me. that's it i, that's it. >> jimmy: and in a way, you're from a very small place. so you're bigger. >> i haven't been back since "black panther." >> jimmy: back in thou they watch "friends"? what was your favorite? >> "friends" was one of them. "golden girls", "fresh prince". >> jimmy: are you a blanch? >> a sophia.
>> jimmy: what would you do for fun growing up there? >> oh, my god, almost everything. so we lived on the beach pretty much. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> get up, wake up in the morning, walk out onto the beach. get screamed at, you know. >> jimmy: by who? >> by parents and stuff. so folklore is like a big thing in the caribbean. >> jimmy: okay. >> so it's like intermixed into the culture. so i grew up hearing stuff like if the ocean ever talks to you, don't listen, and don't go in. it was like, okay. >> jimmy: i think that's good advice, by the way. >> it's good advice. >> jimmy: it means you're high and you shouldn't be swimming. >> there's people, stories of a woman whose husband died, and she would go and talk to the ocean, and they said mermaids took her, because she disappeared one day. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, there's a lot of things associated with the ocean. so i was watching "moana."
and you know those scenes where the ocean's like, my girl, you better not -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: wow, that's pretty crazy. what did your family do for work? what was their business? >> my mother worked for the government and also owned a restaurant. >> jimmy: oh, she did, what kind of a restaurant? local flavor? >> local flavor, creole, dumplings, bacon soul fish. >> jimmy: it all sounds good to me. does your mom still live there? >> no, she spends half her time with me and the other half with my sister. the restaurant was named after my sister, cindy's restaurant. >> jimmy: cindy's restaurant. >> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: were you yoechdoffend all? >> parents always have to their have favorite, i'm taller.
joich s . >> jimmy: she lives but part of the year, with cindy part of the year. how do you like living with your mother for six months? >> it's cool now. my life changed completely after "black panther." she's like, you have to take out that trash. you didn't get famous, your beard did. she doesn't let up. >> jimmy: she keeps you very grounded. >> in the ground. like subterranean. that's really, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: do you hang out with her? >> every day almost. we're almost best friends so she comes on set with me on the movies. >> jimmy: occasionally or like every day? >> so every day. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> for jordan peele's "us." she's there. even with my meetings with agents. >> jimmy: really? >>
yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: how do they react to that? >> they're like, hi, hi, hi mother maiocco. she'll be making coffee in the background making noise, don't mind me, don't mind me. good idea for his career. >> jimmy: did she meet with jordan peele? >> yeah. yeah. he was like, i wonder what mama coco would think if i ask her what the movie's about. i was like, can you go ask her. she's like, that's none of my business. she's very like sparkplug. >> jimmy: tell everyone what the movie is about. >> so, "us" is a horror genre pic about a family trying to move their lives forward, but they encounter this incredibly horrific image at their door. and it's doppelgangers that look like them. and they have to figure out
thousand survihow to survive that encounter. >> jimmy: so you play two parts. >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you get paid twice for this? >> you see my suit. so no. >> jimmy: wow. that's interesting. >> so we did true characters. i played gabe wilson, the husband and his doppelganger, abraham. >> jimmy: abe and gabe. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: does everyone's name rhyme with their doppelganger? >> not everyone, but lupita nyong'o did this amazing voice. i'm not giving anything away. >> jimmy: it's got like 100% on rotten tomatoes. so that's good for you and good for jordan. "us" opens in theaters a week from friday. and we'll return with music from tomberlin. [cheers and applause] ♪
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank matt leblanc and winston duke, apologies to matt damon. nightline is next. but first her album is called "at weddings" here with the song "17." tomberlin! ♪ rent and and and and and and d
across the room ♪ ♪ because i'm so scared to talk to you ♪ ♪ you knew a friend ♪ i knew a friend ♪ i looked down at your hands ♪ pretending i was looking at the floor ♪ ♪ i held your eyes for quite some time ♪ ♪ i'm not sure how it happened ♪ i was just surprised ♪ were you surprised ♪ i walk in the breeze ♪ like i am 17 ♪ love is mostly war ♪ war, what is it for ♪
♪ [cheers and applause] and applause] rs and applause] nd applause] rs and applause] and applause] . tonight. >> something exploded or something. there's blood everywhere. we need an ambulance immediately. >> a serial bomber on the loose. >> how many more bombs are sitting on somebody's front step right now. >> inside the hunt for the austin bomber. unprecedented access to body footage. what law enforcement found at this home depot to track down the suspect. >> i got goose bumps. i knew. i knew this is something good. >> and the heart-stopping final moments. >> we had to stop him that night. >> got an explosion. got an explosion inside the vehicle. >> six bombs. two dead, 19 days of terror. "nightline" will be right back. back. right back.