tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 8, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
appreciate your time. i'm dan ashley. >> i'm ama daetz. for all of us. thanks for being here. >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- a mystery guest from "the angry birds movie 2", leslie jones -- this week in unnecessary censorship -- and music from monsta x featuring french montana -- and now, don't be shy -- jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you, everyone. thank you, i appreciate it. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of this. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. oh, that's very -- we have a powerful program for you tonight. a show that includes a mystery guest whose identity will be revealed mere moments from now, not unlike the masked singer, but this person will not sing. plus, leslie jones will be here.
monsta x. they're a band of boys from south korea. they're very popular. some people have been camping out for five days, which is sad, really, more than anything. it's because they showed up last night, they'd still be in the front row. there's no need, but anyway, monsta x is a souper popular group. the names, i'm sorry if i mispronounce. larry's not one of the guys. one of the things about this band, they wear a lot of makeup. we thought it would be fun to ask the guys to do an monsta x
extreme makeover on a member of our staff. so we picked a member randomly of our staff. and they gathered around, and wow, wait until you see how quickly they did this. it's almost some kind of tv magic. now here he is. come on in, guillermo, let's see how you look. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: you look fantastic. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: you look like a female, you remember when bugs bunny would dress as a woman? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and elmer fudd would try to have sex with him? that's you. >> my god. >> jimmy: speaking of monsters, president trump has been -- [ applause ] as presidential as he can be this week, which is not very. he was in both day tton and el paso yesterday. presumably he was there to give comfort to those who saved lives
and the victims. but he managed to make what should have been a day about others all about him. >> we had an amazing day. as you know, we left ohio and the love, the respect for the office of the presidency, it was, i wish could you have been in there to see it. i wish you could have been in there. >> jimmy: yeah, that's what it's about, them making him feel good. fortunately, we didn't have to be there
to see it, because shortly after the white house press secretary told reporters this visit is about the victims and their families, this is not a photo op. trump tweeted a video, a full video, you may think we altered it, we did not. it is complete with the music and everything.
♪ it's like he's batman or something. can someone please check his brain fluid next time he's
in the hospital? i think it might need to be topped off. and i guess some people were okay with it. they think it's great. i don't. and then in el paso, he stopped to chat with the hospital staff. and guess who was the topic of conversation this time around? >> the job you've done, they're talking about it all over the world. and it's an honor to be with you. look at this group of people. i was here three months ago. we had a speech. what was the name of that arena? that place was packed. what was the name? come here. that was some crowd. >> thank you for all thaw dt yo
do, thank you. >> and then you had this
crazy beto, beto had like 400 people in the parking lot. >> jimmy: what a h beiheart-warmbeining tribute. he left town and stuck them with the check. good dude. he has a fundraiser with a top price of $250,000 a head. i'm guessing none of that will go to el paso. while he's there, the democrats will be at the iowa state fair. this is that very stupid time in american politics when the presidential hopefuls have to impress iowans by posing flex to a farm animal sculpted out of butter. it's weird. one of the strangest things about theis country is we can't support a candidate for president until we see them doing this, and then we make our decision. so one of the people at the fair, john delaney, he's running for president, too.
this is a great shot. their is the only-known photograph of a corn dog eating another corn dog. as you may know i am currently running for office. last night i announced my, i think it's fair to say, historic candidacy to be mayor of dildo in newfoundland. this is big for me, [ applause ] while obviously, my high school yearbook, i was voted to be most likely to be mayor of dildo. my campaign is going well, there is one problem. they're saying in order to be mayor i have to be a resident, which seems a little bit unfair, while i have every intention of moving to dildo permanently, some of the locals are skeptical. >> locals still aren't convinced that kimmel will come to dildo to stay. >> i don't think so. i don't think mr. kimmel will come here. >> he's not just coming, he's
moving. we all know he's joking. i'm sure he's not going to leave l.a. and come to dildo. >> no, never, there's too many smart people here. >> not everyone is so skeptical. >> do you think he'll come here? >> i'd imagine, i'd imagine so. >> jimmy: that's right, and when i do get there, guess lowho's going to be my best friend? brent, that's right. we'll do everything together. oh, we'll go skateboarding. you name it. last night we did something very special for dildo here in hollywood. we named them our sister city. gar bl guillermo got up on a ladder and illegally installed their name on a sign. this is from the local news, my fellow dildodians returned the favor. >> it was pretty inspirational when jimmy kimmel unveiled dildo as hollywood's twin city. so we have a little surprise of
our own. would you do the honors? >> yes. ♪ [cheers and applause] there you have it, hollywood, dildo's sister city. >> jimmy: i think that's great. [cheers and applause] we have a sister city. and just think, one day my grandchildren will be able to say, my papa was the most powerful man in dildo. in other world news, there's a controversy in japan right now involving a new mcdonald's item, a new cup for a drink called the mcfizz, which, yeah. there it is. ♪ this is the commercial. ♪ la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ ♪ speaking in foreign language ] >> jimmy: the cup, you can see is clear, and when you rotate the cup with another cup, it
takes on a more adult connotation. which, that has to be on purpose, right? how can that be? there are a lot of combinations. could you do it like this. this is the, boy, the morton salt girl really grew up fast, didn't she? that one's called "i'm lovin' it." the striped shirt makes me think it might be the son. the state with the best drivers is massachusetts. it's like saying utah has the best rappers. i've been to boston. it doesn't seem right. i thought it might be wise to check in with our expert on all things massachusetts, the pride of seaconch, brady fitzpatrick. >> hey, ma, ma, park it over
there next to the jeep wrangler. >> that's my spot, you loser! >> go park your land cruiser elsewhere! >> jimmy: my buddy tom brady. >> not you again. >> is this that weird dude always bothering my little tommy? >> jimmy: where are you right now? >> we're in the parking lot at stop and shop on account of salmack being closed. mom's picking up more smokes. i had to dip all day long. >> jimmy: you dip? >> you got a problem with that? >> i'll be back shortly. don't get in any fights. >> you don't get any fights. i love you, i love you more! >> jimmy: your mom's leaving you alone in the car? isn't that dangerous? >> i'm 26 months old, i've been in more scraps than you've been in, in your whole life. you want a piece of me!
>> jimmy: i definitely don't. i want to talk about a report that says massachusetts has the safest drivers in the coupletn . when people think of boston, safe driving doesn't come to mind. >> hear ye hear ye, the bay state are the freakin' [ bleep ]. from the leonard to bunker hill memorial bridge, to the sumner tunnel which goes under the harbor, don't you ever forget, when it comes to operatin' motor vehicles, boston drivers are number one! we're number one! >> jimmy: isn't that a little silly? >> you feel a little silly. >> jimmy: yeah.
>> come to seaconch. get a taste of these fists. >> jimmy: i don't want a taste of your fists. >> what is going on, you weirdo. i get a fresh carton of lawn darts and you talk about tastin' my little boy's fists? >> jimmy: i never said. >> you think you're too good? you want to taste organic, gluten free table fists. mark my words, these are the best-tastin' fists in the entire state of massachusetts. >> whole state. >> you don't believe me, say hello to my friends, rocky and martiano. what the [ bleep ] are you doing driving like that, baby on board! open your eyes? >> are you blind. >> you want a piece of us? >> we'll fight a blind guy.
>> jimmy: tommy brady fitzpatrick and his mother darlene. one more thing before we forge ahead. it's thursday night, which means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. it is this week in unnecessary censorship. >> and tonight on your community, amanda is in dildo where the community is celebrating big [ bleep ] this weekend. >> swollen, man, you ready to go? >> i'm very much excited. >> geez, you're all [ bleep ]ed up. >> a new study about the effects of [ bleep ]ing and smoking marijuana. >> the second greatest day of my life was the day i [ bleep ] karen wit kwhitaker, made her m wife. >> it would have been a long [ bleep ]. >> is it true tiffany has trouble [ bleep ]ing good men? >> well, yeah. >> i love my giza dream sheets. >> the first night you [ bleep ] on my sheets you'll never want
to [ bleep ] on anything else. >> the letter c. ♪ oh, c is for [ bleep ], i said [ bleep ], i said [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: tonight on the show music from monsta x with french montana leslie jones is here and we'll be right back with a special mystery celebrity guest so stick around. [cheers and applause] ♪ abc's jimmy kimmel live brought to you by command. they hold strong with a peel, stick, and press. and with that college life begins. i said, college life begins. oh dear, let's take that down damage free. stretch release and look no marks no mess, much more you. command. do. no harm.
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debut. please welcome ron burgundy. [cheers and applause] >> thank you! thank you! oh, that's so nice. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] wow, please, standing ovation, get out of town. much deserved. much deserved. thank you. please. thank you. how is, how is everyone tonight? good? yeah? great. jimmy kimmel, everyone, one of the greats, right? jimmy kimmel. one of the best. best in the biz. where's everyone from tonight? all over? all over? yeah? do, do we have any folks from
glen dale? let's hear it for baldwin hills. yeah? rancho cucamonga. los felis? what's that part, not echo park. you wouldn't call it hollywood. no, it's past western. oh, i know, eho. eho in the house? no, but i love southern california. transition, transition. how many of you out there have watched pornography? show of hands? no joke here. just, just was checking. gotcha. i thought i was the only one. but dating is hard.
pretty hard out there, dating. these, these new apps. they've got, they've got dating apps, right? and they're called dating apps. and so i go on one of these things, and i put in all my information about me, ron burgundy, my desires, favorite bands, activities, the whole biz. and then i sit around and wait. and apparently, there's only one woman who's an exact match. she lives in borneo. and her name is filacc filacca kimkatta, cannot make this stuff up. but i did, i made that up for your entertainment. what else? what else? what else is going on? o technology. yeah, i don't hate technology. i went on ancestry.com, you know, the one where they find
out where you're from, and i did, i did the pinprick and the urine sample. and the saliva test. and turns out, guess where i'm from? alcohol. no, no, no, no. no. seriously. what else? buffalo wild wings. they're not buffalo. they're not wild. it's where are my weed smokers at? yeah. ah, i feel you. imagine jack nick olselson and y stewart at the weed dispensary. it would go something like this.
hey, man. i'm jack nickelson. and me and my friend jimmy stewart want to get high, man. we want to go see a lakers game, man. that, that, that, that's right. my name's jimmy stewart, and i have a stutter, that gets more, more, more, more pronounced when we get high. i can't do impressions, folks. i'm not good. it it's hard, i'm not very good. not my forte. i'm no rich little. thanks, folks. next week, you can catch me at the san antonio pizza hut. not sure they do standup comedy there, but i'm going to give did a try. you've been a great audience, thank you so much.
>> jimmy: ron burgundy, everyone, ron, ron, come on, ron. >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, that was, what a great show. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: i want to thank you. i mean, on behalf of everyone. for choosing us to make your standup comedy debut. >> i must have done pretty well because you brought me over. >> jimmy: what's gone on with your journalism career? are you putting that hon the si side while you doon the side while you do their? oh, that's real. >> yeah, that's real stuff. >> jimmy: feel like my mom's putting me to sleep. >> it's the first time i've done standup, i steal some of the jokes. but you can cherry pick. >> jimmy: who is your favorite
standup comedy? >> richard pryor, sam kenson. sam mule deer. oh, nannette. i'm big nooninto nannette. >> jimmy: season two of the ron burgundy podcast is debuting. >> we are releasing a lot of the podcast in braille. >> jimmy: who is your dream guest for the podcast? >> my dream guest? is me. besides me would be the pope. i'd love to get the pope and you're my third. you're top three. >> jimmy: i'm happy to be in top three. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: the ron burgundy podcast" can be heard exclusively on i-heart-radio.
and these new high-rise slim straights are it. take that jane fineberg. take what? jane! i see you're still a weirdo. made a whole career of it babe. shop up to fifty percent off jeans. that's up to fifty percent off. now, at old navy. what do you wamnt to do whe you graduate? >> i want to help people. >> you want to help people, he wants to sue people.
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♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. tonight, from the movie "angry birds 2" leslie jones is here. then the kids have been lining up outside for days the band is all the way from south korea their song is called, "who do you love" monsta x with french montana from the mercedes-benz outdoor stage. [cheers and applause] next week, we will do this all over again, with gerard butler, bob odenkirk, henry winkler, jim gaffigan, whitney cummings, roselyn sanchez, david alan grier, dave salmoni and his wild animal friends plus music from pete yorn, daniel caesar, snoop dogg, and the avett brothers. so please. >> jimmy: us for all all all all
you look great, fwguillermo. i like theis look. >> me too. >> jimmy: what do you see when you see that looking back at you? >> i see 25, >> jimmy: 25, you should start a band called monsta mex. >> jimmy: our next guest is an emmy-nominee, writer and actor whom you know from 5 seasons of "saturday night live" and a bit of ghost-busting on the side. her latest is called "the angry birds movie 2." >> what, you've never heard they a thermo emulsifiers? >> okay. >> so you do that, and i'm going to go feed my baby, yes, i'm going to feed my baby, there you go. who's my baby?
you're my baby. >> jimmy: the angry birds movie 2" opens tuesday. please welcome leslie jones. [cheers and ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. how you doin'? >> i am doin' awesome! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: you look great. and you're extra tall today. >> yes, i am. i'm always tall, i'm 6 feet tall, but with the heels and the confidence, i'm about 6'7". >> jimmy: a lot of people think of you as a new yorker, maybe because of saturday night live. >> yes. >> jimmy: but you actually spent a lot of your life here in l.a. >> in l.a., yes, yes, yes.
>> jimmy: you grew up here. >> we moved out here in '82. my dad was an electronic engineer and got a job with kglh, with stevie wonder. >> jimmy: the radio station. i started in radio and knew a lot of engineers. they're like an interesting group. >> my tdad was very interesting. he would love this. >> jimmy: i bet he would. you did some radio, too, right? >> i was a deejay in college. i went by the name deejay frosty. >> jimmy: you played records? >> yes, i opened up every show. what happened was i didn't really know what i wanted to be but i knew communications was part of it. they needed a deejay friday night. orange county they have the music playing behind a commercial-type channel. that's what i did. people would come out to the quad and i would play music. but i started the show off with this is deejay frosty, and all of a sudden you hear a whole
bunch of snow, shhhhh, shhhhh. >> jimmy: i like it. >> and then aqua boogie comes in. ♪ >> jimmy: it sounds awesome. you never did that professionally? you never went on to get into radio? >> no, i knew i wanted to be a comedian. >> jimmy: you started doing standup right away? >> i started doing standup in '87, actually, i was 19. >> jimmy: did you do it in orange county, around the college? >> i got discovered, not discovered. i discovered comedy. >> jimmy: that has to happen first, i guess. >> yeah, bras i wi was real coc night. the school newspaper interviewed me and i said i'm the next eddie murphy. then i had to call my dad to tell him i was quitting college to do comedy and he's like,
eddie murphy, eddie murphy's not comedy, you ain't never made me laugh, ever! >> jimmy: wow. >> i did not support my -- >> jimmy: he was not supportive. >> he did not support it at all. >> jimmy: that makes it harder, doesn't it? >> it does not, because i didn't care. >> jimmy: you didn't care? >> i can't explain it to you, as soon as i touched the mic i knew that's what i was supposed to do the rest of my life. i just knew it. i don't know how i'm going to do it, but i'm going to be a comedian. >> jimmy: and you did it. >> yes. >> jimmy: that's pretty great. [cheers and applause] i think when you have, you know, in a way, i don't know if you agree with their, agree with this, in a way, it's good to have somebody who doesn't believe in you. >> oh, my god, my whole family. my friends, girl, when are you going to give up this comedy thing and get a real job? >> jimmy: your friends? >> some of my friends thought i
was funny, but they were like, get a job, too. >> jimmy: did you have jobs here at this time? >> i had a billion and 1700 a ba jobs. i've lived everywhere. eagle rock. by the way, the guy who opened up the show, he was great. >> jimmy: oh, yes, that was ron burgundy. >> an opener, he should open up for me. oh, my god, we be a hit. >> jimmy: he's working on his material, but he's got some good stuff. >> he's good, i like him. >> jimmy: he might do well. >> he would not. but i've lived everywhere. i started in orange county. i've lived in pas eagle rock, glen dale, van nuys, hollywood. >> jimmy: were you on the run from the law? what's going on with so many places? what was happening? >> ah, that's hilarious. that is so funny, cause maybe i
was. >> jimmy: that is a lot of homes in one area. >> and i enjoyed every one of them. yeah, i had every kind of job. sold perfume. i was a justice of the peace, i was annulment department. i annulled people i married. everybody i married was coming in, damn, i got the mojo or something. right? >> jimmy: one of the saddest places. >> i was messing up the vows thing. i that it was marry these awfull wedded wife? i didn't say lawful. >> jimmy: yeah, that's probably what happened. you ruined a lot of lives. >> i just want to make sure i ain't showing too much breasteses. >> jimmy: i did the same thing earlier. >> boy, them things done got me through some times.
>> jimmy: speaking of standup comedy. >> yes. >> jimmy: you have what i think is a very big announcement. >> yeah, i was having so much fun with you. i am doing a netflix special. >> jimmy: which is a big deal. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: when will you -- >> so y'all finally get to see what i really do. i am actually a stand uuup hard core. >> jimmy: that's your thing. >> that's what pays the bills. that's what paid the bills. >> jimmy: and you'll be doing this where? >> d.c. i picked d.c. out of all the cities because d.c. got one of the best comic crowds, and i really wanted, we got two shows, september 10th. so people in d.c. go buy tickets. i need people to be there to fill in the audience and laugh. [cheers and applause] yes, the warner center. >> jimmy: since you're in d.c., will you invite the president and his family to come?
>> hell no! and i hope you show up so i can talk bad about your ass. oh! don't you show up. >> jimmy: he's banned from the show. >> you are banned, period. you are banned from my life! i don't even know who you talkin' about right now. >> jimmy: you got this movie, the angry birds. >> yes. >> jimmy: do you play angry birds? >> i am an angry bird, period. >> jimmy: are you the angriest of all the birds? >> don't i look like deville today? >> jimmy: that's fun. we had josh here last night. >> i love him so much. he's very fun. >> jimmy: angry birds, do you, though, get involved in the fgae part of it? >> let me just tell you, i had to take it off my phone, because you're playin' it. and you're having so much fun and when you get to those power ups that you have to pay for.
oh, it's $2.99. then you get that i tune bill, and it's $767. and then you really become angry. >> jimmy: it's good inspiration. >> oh, my god. my sister was like, no, i'm takin' it off your phone, off your ipad. you are restricted! >> jimmy: interesting, i did the same thing for a slightly different reason. i wound up, full disclosure, i was on the toilet. >> ew. >> jimmy: until about 12:00 in the morning playing angry birds. >> were you there because you didn't feel like getting up? >> jimmy: i never felt more ashamed of myself than when the sun started to come up. >> the sun started to come up and you were still sitting on the toilet with your pants down? >> jimmy: i was. and i deleted it, and i've never gone back to it. >> it's hard to quit, isn't it? >> jimmy: but nothing against the movie, of course. >> no, nothing against the movie.
not at all. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here, and i look forward to seeing the special. do you have a title yet? >> no, i don't have a title yet. playing with titles, because the material is so close to me. and i'm tell p yin' you guys, i going to be so good. like oh, my goodness, i can't wait. >> jimmy: that will teach your family. >> that will teach em! >> jimmy: leslie jones! "the angry birds movie 2" opens tuesday. we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by 47 meters down, uncaged, in theaters august 16th. ion. there's everything from happy to extremely happy. there's also angry. i'm really angry clive! actually, really angry. thank you. but what if your business could understand what your customers are feeling... and then do something about it. turn problems into opportunities. thanks drone. customers into fanatics
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theaters nationwide. it's called "47 meters down: uncaged." and tonight we are lucky enough to be joined by two of the stars of the movie please welcome corinne foxx and the great white shark. >> thank you, jimmy, hello, everybody. >> hi, i'm corinne foxx. in "47 meters down: uncaged." i play sasha an adventurous teenager that goes diving in a hidden underwater city. >> and i'm guillermo. i play the shark. roar!!! >> um, i don't think sharks "roar." >> i think i agree to disagree. roar!!! >> okay. "47 meters down: uncaged" is filled with action, adventure, and lots of adrenaline. >> and in the end, i eat everybody. like this.
>> i don't think you should tell everyone what happens in the movie. >> oh, sorry. spoil alert! in the end i eat everybody. like this. also, the sharks look a lot more realistic in the movie. >> what the hell is that supposed to mean? >> i just want people to know that when they see the movie, the shark will look like this. >> where's tad? >> he must be close! >> there's another way >> wow, you did good! >> wow, i look amazing. >> you do. so amazing in fact that we're going to invite the whole studio audience to the movie's premiere in westwood! [cheers and applause] >> hey! you forgot to say spoil alert! >> oh, yeah, spoiler alert. >> you want some of my sandwich?
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes be mercedes benz, the best or nothing. >> jimmy: thanks for watching. a new episode of jimmy kimmel live with leslie jones, more music from monsta x with french montana. ♪ in the heat of the moment when you're all alone and out of breath ♪ ♪ what's keepin' you goin what do you see up in your head ♪ ♪ when your eyes are closing where do you wish you were instead ♪ ♪ you got me hanging by a thread yeah oh tell me now ♪
♪ who's the one that takes you higher than then you've ever been ♪ ♪ b to know the answer ♪ ♪ who's the one you think of night and day ain't no time to waste i'm just tryna say ♪ ♪ who do you love is it him or me 'cause i can't take the pressure anymore ♪ ♪ who do you love girl it's killin' me if you can't say that ♪ ♪ i'm the one for sure then i'm walkin out the door ♪ ♪ aye i'ma need me a new thing he ain't believe his boo thing show me the ♪ ♪ 'titty boi' 2 chainz now the beef cookin' like gordon ramsay ♪ ♪ we should be somewhere that's hot and sandy ♪ ♪ used to post up in new york like marcus camby my two tings fighting like monica and brandy ♪ ♪ now now in that two door ooh wait
they're asking who you love like cool j ♪ ♪ down the middle like k-d and that's my other lane the boys is next ♪ ♪ who do you love is it him or me 'cause i can't take ♪ ♪ the pressure anymore ♪ ♪ who do you love girl it's killin' me if you can't say that ♪ ♪ i'm the one for sure then i'm walkin' out the door ♪ ♪ who do you love who do you love who do you love who who do you love ♪ ♪ who do you love who do you love who ♪ ♪ who do you love who do you love who do you love who who do you love ♪ ♪ who do you love who do you love who ♪ ♪ who's the one that takes you higher than then you've ever been ♪ ♪ baby i just got to know the answer ♪ ♪ who's the one you think of night and day ain't no time to waste
i'm just tryna say ♪ ♪ who do you love is it him or me 'cause i can't take the pressure anymore ♪ ♪ who do you love girl it's killin' me if you can't say that ♪ ♪ i'm the one for sure then i'm walkin' out the door ♪ ♪ who do you love who do you love who do you love who who do you love who ♪ ♪ do you love who do you love who ♪ ♪ who do you love who do you love who do you love who ♪ ♪ who do you love who do you love who do you love who ♪ [cheers and applause]
had had had hthis is "night" tonight, the hometown hero whose supposed network sparked that viral challenge five years ago, moving millions to raise money and hope for those battling als, a devastating disease not defeating the spirit of three brave warriors. >> i've lived more in the last year than i did in the >> the body-building police detective, the dirt bike-loving dad and the man who helped inspire it all. now the potential medical game changer making the impossible seem possible. reigniting a life's passion. and offering new hope for those