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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  August 22, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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>> ama daetz. for chris, sandhya, all of us at abc7, thanks for joining us. "jimmy kimmel live," ben >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, ben stiller, from "a black lady sketch show", robin thede, brad paisley, and music from max featuring quinn xcii. and now, without further ado, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. that's very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming, we have a lot going on tonight, starting with, you'll never guess who, the president who created quite a covfefe on twitter. did you know he has a twitter account? he gets a lot wrong but he outdid himself today. he became the first president of
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the united states to misspell his own name. lashing out at google, and he tweeted, they suppressed negative stories on hillary clinton and boosted stories on donald ttump. i guess when your fingers are covered with dipping sauce it happens. but how do you misspell your name? i have to believe that if sarah huckabee sanders was still alive, god rest her soul, she would be out on the lawn shouting that his name is and always has been donald ttump and we were too fake news to know it. trump was at the white house watching tv. in the two and a half years he's been in office, do you know how
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many days he's spent at his golf clubs? 198 days. you know how much these golf trip the cost us, the taxpayers? $110 million. they estimate $40 million on the airplane, and $50 million on the red lights that keep the cheeseburgers tan. i wish he played golf every day. i wish he would join the pga tour and go away. but what i do find interesting are his thoughts from when obama was president and he played golf. >> obama ought to get off the golf course and get down there. they stay awake at night thinking about what to do, whereas obama's out playing golf. >> he plays so much golf he doesn't have enough time to convince congress to do did. you can't be playing golf when japan is crashing and burning. he plays more golf than people on the pga tour.
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golf, golf, golf, golf, more, more. learning how to chip, how to drive, how to putt. i want more! >> jimmy: that's what he says when he's making love, too. not only 199 days. not only was trump critical of obama playing golf he made it very clear if he was president he wouldn't be doing that. >> i'm going to be working for you. i'm not going to have time to go play golf and, believe me. >> jimmy: you know he's lying when he says "believe me." so promises made. promises kept. the golfer in chief is trying to reach a new group of voters. he's pulling out all the stops to win support from african-americans. they believe that the key to reelection is black voters, which is why he's been tweeting about a$ap rocky every day and also the reason for this new campaign ad. >> all y'all listen up. president trump is up in here, and he needs you to get his back.
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big d keepin' it real, doin' his thang with omarosa and kanye. he got a vision for the future that is tight. >> what the hell do you have to lose? >> and damn if that white boy don't know how to get down. ♪ vote dj trump for the commander in chizzief. because he is always invited to the cookout. >> look at my african-american, look at him. are you the greatest? >> paid for by white people, yeah, boy! >> jimmy: mike pence is out spreading the word of the lord today. he was at alliance defending freedom where he was asked for advice on how to handle critics in a christian way.
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>> what advice can you give do us about how to handle these kinds of attacks when we're faced with them? >> i would say just maybe a couple of things. number one is, spend more time on your knees than on the internet. [ applause ] >> jimmy: wow. you dirty, dirty dog. he knows it doesn't have to be either/or. he knows. more americans are using marijuana than ever before. there's a new national survey that says cannabis use is up 47% in states where it is legal and 33% in states where it isn't. the state with the highest consumption rate per capita is, do you know? it is oregon and vermont is number two. which explains ben and jerry. and experts believe there are a number of reasons why pot use is skyrocketing. the biggest one being the news.
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so. [ laughter ] if you've been watching this show, this month, you know that i have become entranced with a town in newfoundland, a small town. there are only about 1500 residents of this town, but what makes it stand out in a big way is the name, which apparently was the subject of an early '90s profile on the cbc. >> about 1,000 people live in this little fishing village on trinity bay. it's similar to hundreds of villages on newfoundland's east coast, except for one thing. its name. it's called dildo, a word that has come to mean an artificial penis. >> jimmy: yes, indeed, it has come to mean that. >> tourists have been known to come here only to have their pictures taken standing beside this sign. >> jimmy: i hope that's his
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profile picture on tinder. >> jimmy: i've been doing a lot of research on dildo. every summer they have scavenger hunts and dances. stay away from the cup of chowder and the dildo sticky puddin' though. sounds like a lot of fun. >> we are here in dildo for dildo days. we have long-time volunteer daisy smith as master of the suf. what is your favorite part of dildo days? >> i love the fireworks. that's my favorite. >> thank you so very much. >> you're welcome. >> that's what's happening here in your community in dildo for dildo days. >> jimmy: how many times do they say it? well, yes, and they have
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fireworks, and there's even a dildo days parade. and this year they had a special grand marshal. >> i would say a couple of things. number one is spend more time on your knees than on the internet. >> jimmy: right, right, right. thank you. anyway, we're going to be chatting with the folks in dildo tomorrow. the dildodians as they are known, and if all goes well, we may permanently move the show there, so, back here in the united states -- [ applause ] -- it is a very strange time in america. it is a time when our president is building walls and telling people to go back where they came from. with all that happening, it's important to remember that many people still dream of becoming americans. every week, immigrants from countries all around the world take the oath of citizenship. ceremonies are held in libraries, classrooms and courthouses, which is fine, but i think becoming an american should be more exciting than a trip to the dmv. so we've invited a group of
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real, new americans to come to this show for a big welcome to the country, and for that, i turn it whoever now to dave joseph, the official game announcer for the los angeles kings. dave? >> thanks, jimmy. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your new american citizens! ♪ on the boats and on the plane ♪ ♪ they're comin' to america >> from mexicali mexico, a medical data specialist who loves puzzles and is afraid of snakes. jose alberto ruiz. masters in finance.
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from lahore, pakistan, shiroz khan mirozi. from the philippines, at 5'4", she is a medical technician. her favorite meal is pasta carbonara. from poland, at 5'9", a software engineer and motorcycle enthusiast, whose nickname is einstein. albert golembiowski. and finally, at 5'8" from rio de janeiro, a professional singer who loves getting presents and hates to
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fly, gracie santos cipriani! ladies and gentlemen, welcome your new, american citizens! >> jimmy: wow, congratulations to our new american citizens. and welcome to this country. now that you are officially citizens of the united states, there are so many amazing opportunities available to you, and i could go through them all, or we could have three-time grammy award-winning musician, brad paisley, share them with you in song. brad! [cheers and applause] ♪ >> here we go! ♪ congratulations citizens ♪ we're happy that you're here
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♪ come on in ♪ take a load off ♪ grab yourself an ice-cold beer ♪ ♪ and now that you're salutin' the old red white and blue ♪ ♪ listen while i tell you about the things that you can do ♪ ♪ you can exercise your freedom of speech ♪ ♪ eat a stick of butter at a county fair ♪ ♪ wear your crocs with a pair of socks ♪ ♪ go to target in your underwear ♪ ♪ have sex in the bed of a truck ♪ ♪ catch a foul ball in an apple pie ♪ ♪ drive your hummer through a national park ♪ ♪ and blow off your fingers on the 4th of july ♪ ♪ sleep-out in front of an apple store ♪ ♪ where an american flag bikini ♪ ♪ way too small ♪ made in beijing >> are you gettin' all this? it's in the bill of rights. ♪ you can dress your dog like
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lady gaga ♪ ♪ make him his own instagram ♪ go to drybar ♪ you call your uncle dumb on facebook ♪ ♪ convince yourself the earth is flat ♪ ♪ become a youtube influencer ♪ and flip out because the mcrib is back ♪ ♪ we're bringin' it home now ♪ fill your purse with costco samples ♪ ♪ get kicked off a reality show ♪ ♪ watch the majestic eagle fly ♪ and listen to this guitar solo ♪ ♪ ♪ my country tis of thee ♪ sweet land of liberty ♪ of thee i sing ♪
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♪ land where my fathers died ♪ land of the pilgrims' pride ♪ from every mountain side ♪ let freedom ring ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: wow. wow. unbelievable. thank you, brad paisley! and congratulations to our new fellow american citizens! thank you very much, brad. hey, we got a great show tonight. music from max featuring quinn xcii, robin thede is here, and we'll be right back with ben stiller. so stick around! ♪ abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by progressive. i]
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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight, she is the force behind and in front of "a black lady sketch show" which can be seen on hbo robin thede is here. then his song is called "love me less" max with quinn xcii from the mercedes-benz stage. tomorrow night, josh gad and michael "the miz" mizanin will join us, and we'll have music from chris janson. and on thursday leslie jones, music from monsta x with french montana, and a very special surprise guest will be here to do something he or she has never done before. so please write it on a post-it and stick it on your head. you know our first guest on screen from movies too beloved to even bring up. and he is just as successful behind the camera.
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he is director and executive producer of the 7-part showtime series "escape at dannemora" which is currently nominated for twelve emmy awards. please welcome ben stiller. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> my son is a very big guillermo fan. >> say hi. >> jimmy: you can take him home for the weekend, if you want? >> should we? >> jimmy: how old is your son now? >> he is 14. >> jimmy: you were just on vacation, right? >> yes, i went to hawaii for a few weeks, very nice, very nice. >> jimmy: are you able to relax? you don't seem like a relaxer to me. >> i do, i do like to relax. i like coconut art. >> jimmy: oh, really? you make art out of coconuts?
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>> no, i just, it was a joke. >> jimmy: it was a joke. >> i do, no, i do. it just takes me a little while. i got into tennis a few years ago, i love tennis, i love watching tennis. i started late in life. >> jimmy: when did you start? >> i started five or six years ago, and then of course i got an injury. already i was bad and then i got an injury in my elbow which compounded everything. this time when i went to hawaii i took it up. i was there with my brother-in-law and this guy i know on this island, an island dude who's a friend of mine who's a very chilled-out guy, and we played before and he said hey, let's do doubles. so i immediately went to the tennis pro to train. >> jimmy: did you really? >> i wanted to get some hits with brian, at first it started out good because he was giving us basic sort of, you know, follow-through, contact point, backswing. and then it kind of very quickly turned into professional
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coaching session which my skills just don't live up to. he goes wait, wait you're flat-footed. that's old man tennis. you want to play old man tennis? no, i'm not old. i'm spritely. i'm spritely. then he started giving me these skill sets i couldn't live up to, punish my backhand. put me in a corner, hurt me. teach me a lesson. then i'm going to hit back a help me mommy shot, then what do you do? charge the net. then what do you do? i don't know, what do i do? you put on a hazmat suit, because it's a crime scene, and you're about to mop it up. i don't even know what it means. >> jimmy: this is very intense for tennis. >> yeah, and i of course hit three balls over the net in the whole thing. >> jimmy: yeah, because you get worked up. but i also like the idea that you are having a friendly match
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with a chill dude on the island and you decide you need to take lessons for it. >> yes, and it really didn't work. >> jimmy: no, it never works. you can't learn in a quick. >> we were destroyed. >> jimmy: oh, you were. >> and they were like wearing flip-flops. >> jimmy: that's when you know you are in trouble. >> we're digging it back and forth. like the u.s. open or something. when it's doubles, you turn on your partner, right? because we're both not good. when i finally get one over the net and it comes back and he doesn't get it over i'm looking at him like what is your problem? >> jimmy: he's actually erased your accomplishment. >> and then i go back to the training that our pro gave us. look, you're going to play up, i'm going to playback and then we're going to break their spirit. i don't know how we're going to do that. >> jimmy: are they good sports? >> one of them is a fisherman.
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he offered me an ahi. i was so riled up. i don't want your ahi, i want a win! >> jimmy: you rejected his fish. in hawaii, that could get you thrown off the island, something like that. >> yeah. we're good. >> jimmy: it was not a relaxing vacation it sounds like. >> the game itself, i left much more tense than when i started. >> jimmy: that's great, what else do you do in hawaii? >> i like to watch the tour de france. >> jimmy: on television? >> yeah, does anybody know the tour de france? [ applause ] but it's a very specific sport. a three-week bike race around france. >> jimmy: yeah. >> they go over 1500 miles. it's like running a marathon every day and basically five hours of watching men cycle for three weeks. >> jimmy: you watch all of it? >> i do watch all of it. because if you don't watch all of it, it doesn't mean anything. but if you do watch all of it, it still means very little, it's
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hard to understand. it's a complex race. there are different competitions during the race, the king of the mountains, the green jersey, the white jersey, and the yellow jersey. if a guy has a flat, it's very exciting. >> jimmy: is it really? >> yeah, because the guy with the bike car comes. it's the opposite of watching a formula 1 pit stop. the opposite of that excitement. but if you're into the race, it's very exciting. >> jimmy: and is there a guy you root for? >> yeah, well, i mean, you know, it's hard because every year they're different, a lot of belgian and dutch bikers. the guy, it was his first tire de france. last year it was garrett thomas, a great racer, then pools of crashed in the time trial. >> jimmy: do you have friends
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who watch this with you. >> i have one friend who watches it with me. >> jimmy: you do. >> yes. >> jimmy: and the two of you sit there and watch bicycle racing. >> yes, and we alienate other people and my kids ask me it's over. >> jimmy: do you say tour de france or tour de fraunce? >> aqua's pronounced ak-wa. >> jimmy: is it really? aqua man is ak-waman? what about aqua velva? >> that's aqua velva. i knew it as aqua velva as a child. >> jimmy: what we've learned more than anything is never to go on vacation with you. ben stiller is here. his great series we'll show you a clip from that next. we'll be right back.
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>> do you know out in nature, there are no right answers. but in here it's all right answers. in here, it's all right. >> bars up, bars down, bars across. and the people inside? they get to be right angles too. >> what the [ bleep ] are you talking about? >> and there are the angles that get bent. >> jimmy: that is "escape from dannemora." boy, this is, i love this series. >> thanks. >> jimmy: i was so bummed
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knowing it was going to end and it's like it was canceled in advance. >> yes, well, they got caught. >> jimmy: they got caught. >> we knew it had an ending. that's kind of what i liked about it, this amazingly finite story, and it all happened over the course of six months where they started this attempt, and created this relationship with tilley, which is patricia arquette's character. >> jimmy: she worked in the prison. >> yes, and she had physical relations with both of them and helped them escape. >> jimmy: bonnie hunt was amazing. and you got 12 emmy nominations. did the guys who beat you in tennis know you got 12 emmy nominations for this? >> oh, yeah. they really cared. >> jimmy: i'm sure. you won the dga award for best director. >> yeah. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: that's from the other directors. >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you like not having to act in something? >> yes!
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because everything i directed up to now i'd been in, and it was such a relief not to have to deal with me, know what i mean? >> jimmy: it must make it so much harder. >> when you go to edit you have to look at yourself, which is, it's painful. so i was really excited to be able to work with these actors. i've known patricia for a long time. we did a movie, "courting with disaster", and benitzio, we used to go for the same roles. the story was so interesting. >> jimmy: it was so much fun to watch, a great story, but you executed it beautifully. >> thanks. to me, what's interesting about it is human relationships. this is a real prison escape that happened, but it happened because people were connecting with each other in a way that the prison couldn't stop, you know? >> jimmy: you know who else was great? the husband, patricia arquette's husband.
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he was funny and great in that role. >> and very spot on the real guy. >> jimmy: you have another, there's a documentary on youtube about a band you were in, when you were how old? >> i was like 14, 15. >> jimmy: punk rock band. >> sort of. we were like a wanna-be sort of post punk band that never played live ever. but we recorded an album. >> jimmy: you recorded an album. it's called the band's capital punishment. and you can find this on youtube. all the guys in the band went on to become successful people in other fields. >> yes, peter swan who is our bass player is the chief justice on the arizona state court of appeals. >> jimmy: right. >> and peter zusi is professor of czech literature at london college and chris is a futures
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trader and we are parents funded the album, kindly, and then we got back together and played together just for fun, really. >> jimmy: who did the logo here? >> that was all of us. we took these down on 42nd street. one of those arcades. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> that's me. >> jimmy: i would recognize you anywhere. you did not post this video to instagram. i don't know who posted it to instagram, but were you on the subway in new york. >> right. >> jimmy: well, roll this video right here, because their woman got excited to see you on the subway. >> oh, my god. >> jimmy: so excited in fact that she took the curlers out of her hair. [ laughter ]
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and you don't know where she's going to stop, either, by the way. like a van halen video. then everyone got in the act. >> a video for me. >> right. so -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: you were very nice. >> yeah, it was such a strange experience, because i had the same feeling as you, what is the end game here? where is this headed? because things kept coming off. and then the other thing is that there's an entire train full of people who are not reacting that way. so it's little, you feel a little self conscious because everybody's looking at her like what's her problem? who's that guy she's looking at. of course the next time i went on the train i was let down. nothing happened. i had makeup. >> jimmy: it's very great to see you. "escape at dannemora" is
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available on showtime streaming. we'll be right back with robin thede. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ applebee's handcrafted burgers now with endless fries starting at $7.99. and get more bites for your buck with late night half-priced apps. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood.
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♪ >> jimmy: hi, welcome back to the show. our next guest is creator, writer, executive producer, and star of a critically-acclaimed new comedy program with an excellent title, too. "a black lady sketch show" airs friday nights on hbo. please say hello to robin thede. ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪
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>> jimmy: how you doin'? >> yes, i'm good! >> jimmy: i love the title of your show. >> it's so easy. what is it? it's black ladies doing sketch. >> jimmy: why is it called a black lady sketch show instead of the black lady show. >> i originally called it "the" black lady sketch show, and then my partner, isa ray said we can't be the only one, maybe we just call it "a" to encourage more to follow. >> jimmy: that's a good way to look at it. so you were on b.e.t., it seems like just a few months ago, right? >> it was. >> jimmy: then all of a sudden you have this sketch show for
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hbo. how did that come together so quickly? >> so fast. almost a year ago my late night show got canceled. and the aforementioned isa ray called me and said i heard your show got canceled. she's like, get up, we need to make another show. i said i have this sketch show that i want to make with black ladies. she said great. i have a deal there. let's pitch it. so we went, and we had a dinner and sat down with the big hbo executive. and before we even got our entrees, they said let's do it. >> jimmy: oh, really? nice. >> and then the waitress comes over at the end of the meal. and she says the gentleman has taken care of the bill. and i was like, the gentleman who? and she wouldn't tell us, and she was kind of cutting her eyes like over there, and we look, and it's denzel washington. >> jimmy: oh, wow. that's a gentleman all right. >> i know, i know. >> jimmy: did you know denzel? >> no, i don't know denzel
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washington. i think he could tell the meeting was going well. and i'm very loud. so i'm sure he heard everything i was pitching. >> jimmy: technically, he might be an executive producer now. >> he probably is. >> jimmy: you have thanked denzel for this. >> i would like to. can i? denzel washington, from the bottom of my heart, i want to say thank you for the caesar salad i ate. and for the show that you essentially paid for. and next season, if we could have some more money, i would appreciate it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's amazing. >> jimmy: it was really nice of him to do. >> it was so nice. he's such a classy dude. >> jimmy: i would think follow with an edible arrangement or something, honestly, he's probably not watching us right now. >> he might be. >> jimmy: he's denzel, he's not watching tv. you've got this show, and there's an interesting twist to the show. your writers. >> yes. >> jimmy: your co-stars.
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>> yep. >> jimmy: all black females. >> black women in the core cast. >> jimmy: has that ever happened before? >> never. never before in history. and it's so cool, because there are so many advantages to having black women. i'm used to writing in late night. it was rare for me to write with even one other black woman. but when you're in a room full of them you get comfortable. i was coming back from a business brunch i had to go to, and i had a lot of hair in. this is all my hair, obviously, but so i come back, and they're pitching ideas, and i'm like, yeah, yeah, that's good. and i'm slowly taking my layer out and laying it on the table. and they don't say anything. i never would have done that in another writing meeting. >> jimmy: you can leave your hair laying around. can i ask you a question about, i watched the first episode of
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the show. >> oh, good. >> jimmy: and there was a joke in there about a cartoon character. >> oh, yeah, flintstone [ bleep ]. sorry. >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> can i say flintstone? >> jimmy: yes. >> so it's a joke that quinta brunson and i have, i slept with her boyfriend a few years back. we're playing a game called never have i ever, and one of the cast members says never have i ever slept with a boyfriend of my cousin quinta, and that's my cousin, and she goes my cousin quinta, and she says what's a flintstone [ bleep ]? and she says you have to use your feet to make it work. so our head writer ashley smith says i don't get that joke but i know we're laughing. that's my brand of humor. jokes you don't get but make you laugh.
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>> jimmy: those are the best jokes. >> you get the joke. you just don't want it to seem like you have a foot thing. >> jimmy: this is a fun, that's you. >> that's me. >> jimmy: that's a character named chris. >> yeah, a character named chris. he comes back throughout the season. the great thing is characters come back. chris will meet this week. he is insane. he's a dude that just can't commit to anything. so he's at the altar, being asked to say "i do" and has a hard time. >> jimmy: is he based on anyone in your life? >> yes, i've dated him. >> jimmy: the guy you dated look like this? >> just like him. like i'm not even trying to avoid lawsuits at this point. that's him. >> jimmy: have you contacted you? >> no, because it hasn't aired yet, but he will, i'm sure. >> jimmy: maybe now he will. >> is that bad? should i not directly impersonate an ex-boyfriend? >> jimmy: i don't think there's anything you can do about it now.
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we'll let the lawyers decide. >> yeah. >> jimmy: congratulations on the show. "a black lady sketch show" airs friday nights on hbo. and we'll return with music from max and quinn xcii. ♪ >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by the 2020 g class. mercedes benz. the best or nothing.
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank ben stiller and robin thede, apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next but first, here with the song, "love me less" with some help from quinn xcii, max! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
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♪ would you love me less if you knew the places that i've been if you knew the ♪ ♪ damage that i did would you love me less no no no no no no no no no ♪ ♪ i got too much dirt to come clean closets full of skeletons that you don't wanna see ♪ ♪ will you judge me all my ugly i won't blame you if you do ♪ ♪ no lies don't wanna keep no secrets even if what i'ma say will you leave speechless ♪ ♪ no secrets if i introduce you to my demons tell me baby would you ♪ ♪ love me less if you knew the places that i've been if you knew the ♪ ♪ damage that i did oh would you no no ♪
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♪ would you love me less if i had a dollar for my sins if you knew the beds ♪ ♪ that i've been in oh would you love me less no no no no no no no no no ♪ ♪ i'm happy you never saw me in college blood on my hands i refuse to acknowledge ♪ ♪ that's why i get light-headed thin ice that i'm treadin' ♪ ♪ soft conversations in our bed my skin's sweatin' ♪ ♪ she doesn't like my list of exes i've had at home she's buggin' ♪ ♪ sounding childish like a xylophone knees buckling hearing that falsetto ♪ ♪ that's in her tone if i introduce you to my demons tell me baby would you ♪ ♪ love me less if you knew the places that i've been if you knew the ♪ ♪ damage that i did oh would you love me less no no no no no no no no ♪ ♪ would you love me less if i knew the beds ♪
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♪ that i've been in oh would you love me less no no no no no no no no no ♪ ♪ or would you love me more or would you love me more ♪ ♪ if you knew the person that i was yeah yeah if you knew the ♪ ♪ power of your love to change me and if i introduce you to my demons tell me ♪ ♪ would you love me less if you knew the places that i've been if you knew the ♪ ♪ damage that i did would you love me less no no no no no no no no no ♪ ♪ would you love me less if i had a dollar for my sins if you no no ♪ beds ♪ nnoo
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[cheers and applause] this is "nightline". >> tonight, taylor made. the superstar singer taking back control of her music, releasing "lover," her first album from her new record label. >> one thing about this album that's really special to me is that it's the first one that i will own. >> the pop star owning it on stage, and wowing the crowd who just won't calm down. plus, sign of the times. confronting the transgender bathroom controversy. >> you think you're a woman, right?
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you're really an imagine. you should go to

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