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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 6, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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>> stephen: hey, can you hear me out here? who are the major party candidates for vice president? >> pence and kaine. >> stephen: okay, so if they were going to make a movie of mike pence's life, what do you think it would be called? >> old man on a bench. >> stephen: old man on a bench? >> yeah. >> stephen: and who would you cast as mike pence? >> an old version of mark wahlberg. ? >> stephen: do you wear sunscreen. >> oh, yes. >> stephen: please tell me you are. >> doesn't it look like it? >> stephen: you look fantastic. >> for 68.
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>> yes. >> stephen: i'm 52 and my face looks like a catchers mitt. how old do i look? you won't hurt my feelings. >> about 52. >> stephen: great. you look 68. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes emily blunt! gael garcia bernal! and musical guest phantogram featuring jo jon batiste and " human." from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey, everybody! thank you very much!
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( cheers and applause ) whoo! whoo! welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much, everybody! good to see you! ( cheers and applause ) oh, my gosh. thank you so much. welcome to the show. you're very kind, everybody. welcome to the show. i'm stephen colbert. you know, a lot of times, start the show talking about donald trump, but there's other news out there-- one imagines. meanwhile, trump visited an elementary school classroom yesterday in nevada, and listen carefully to how one of the children reacted. >> i'm nervous.
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>> stephen: we all are, sweetie. we all are. ( cheers and applause ) can't be good. it is good he has memorized that sentence now because, after president trump is elected, that will be our pledge of allegiance. "i'm starting to get nervous." also, "i'm nervous" was in all of trump's wives' wedding vows. i am not sure why trump was si presumably to borrow a pair of gloves. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and that wasn't the only child with something to say about trump. >> see, ana, i told you his hair wasn't orange. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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no, his skin is what's orange! his hair is a decomposing prairie dog. we here at the "late show" we have obtained additional audio of these children, and one kid really expressed what so many are feeling. >> i'm nervous. i'm nervous. i don't like trump, but i don't trust hillary, and gary johnson is just throwing your vote away. >> stephen: but when trump was done frightening small children, he asked for a favor from an unlikely group, the terminally ill. >> i don't care how sick you are. i don't care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it's over. you won't be around in two weeks. doesn't matter.
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>> stephen: yeah, just go to that booth, pull that lever out of spite. "if i've got to go, i'm taking you all with me." ( applause ) ( piano riff ) i really think trump finally found his core demographic, people who won't be alive for his administration. ( laughter ) ( applause ) sure, let's give some applause! let's applaud for them, they deserve it. now, trump has been taking a lot of heat for his tax returns recently, so, earlier this week, he decided to change the subject by upsetting veterans. >> when you talk about the mental health problems-- when people come back from war and combat, and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and you're strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people
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criticized trump for implying people with p.t.s.d. are weak, but he respects our veterans. he went to a military academy and then served five tours of deferment from vietnam. i mean, he would have loved to have gone, but he had bone spurs in his heel. have you ever had bone spurs? they're annoying. trump opened up about his painful military experience in a this about the prevalence of s.t.d.'s in the '70s club scene: "it is a dangerous world out there. it's scary, like vietnam. it is my personal vietnam. i feel like a great and very brave soldier." yes, it's just like they say in the military, "all gave some, some gave all, he got some up
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by the way, trump's nickname at the nightclubs? "agent orange." ( applause ) so you see, just because trump never served in the military doesn't mean he can't speak to the trauma of war. he, too, has suffered. it's time we acknowledge not only our veterans' p.t.s.d. but our deferred veterans pre-t.s.d. people who were so traumatized by the idea of going to war that they just had to stay home and have sex with models. clearly, pre-t.s.d. has affected trump's mental health: incoherent speech, sudden mood swings, tweeting from the toilet at 5:00 a.m. the man is in pain. possibly from spending so much time on the toilet. speaking of disasters, does anyone here have a samsung galaxy note 7? please calmly remove yourself from the theater. hazmat teams are waiting for you in the lobby. because, yesterday, a southwest
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fire in its owner's pocket. which led his seatmate to ask: "hey, is that a flaming smartphone in your pocket, or are you just happy to get free pop chips on a flight to baltimore?" according to reports, the smartphone's charbroiled owner then threw his phone to the ground, where it began emitting a "thick, grey-green angry smoke." angry green smoke, incidentally, an early frontrunner for the 2020 g.o.p. nomination. as you know -- you know, you're saying to yourself, didn't samsung recall those phones that were catching fire? yes, they did-- in fact, just last month samsung had to replace 2.5 million phones. and this was a replacement phone. it's like the old saying: "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice-- oh my god, my crotch is on fire!"
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as a child, i never would have imagined i would have gotten applause for saying, oh, my god, my crotch is on fire. truly a wonderful world. a lot of the news this year has been unbelievable, and we might have just learned why. because two tech billionaires, convinced we live in the matrix, are secretly funding scientists to help break us out of it. they call it "the simulation theory," and you might have heard about it earlier this year, when elon musk revealed he believes that the chance that we are not living in a computer simulation is "one in billions". he said that he had come to that conclusion after a chat in a hot tub. "hey, everybody, loosen up! yeah, i'm not wearing any pants. but this whole thing might be a simulation! anybody interested in a little stimulation?
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we're all just ones and zeroes, baby! let's take this party to mars!" that's my impression of elon musk, by the way. so, if elon musk is right-- and he is a lot-- this universe is just a giant video game, and i've got to say, there's room for improvement. i mean, what was the developer thinking? the whole thing starts with this 18-year tutorial level called school-- that you're not allowed to skip. then you never end up using that stuff in the game. not to mention this huge glitch people. there are nice touches here and there-- i mean, dogs? a-plus. but why can't we play the game as dogs? they're having a pretty good time. not to mention all these in-game transactions. everything costs a ton of money. and all the best tasting food hurts your health! i hope they fired the guy who made that decision. i mean, yeah, there's love of family, the beauty of nature, and yeah, the orgasm mini games are fun, but those are almost
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buddhist or a hindu, you only get to play once. all in all, i'd say three stars. now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to me sitting at the desk. this is my favorite part of the show because i get to not use leg muscles. mmm. ( laughter ) of course, there's another debate this sunday, and there is a lot of pressure on trump to outline policy proposals. and if trump has one signature policy proposal, it is having no
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but if he has two, it's the wall. you guys remember the wall, right? he is going to build it, mexico is going to pay for it, it's going to be the best wall ever, like the great wall of china had a three-way with the berlin wall and the wailing wall. we don't have a picture of that? we don't have a mockup of that? well, folks, just imagine three walls having sex. naturally, the wall isn't or with fans of dignity. but we did find one hispanic person who is a big supporter of the wall. please welcome, live via satellite, from the border, martin hernandez. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for being here, mr. hernandez. >> my pleasure. i love the wall. i'll take any opportunity to talk about the wall. >> stephen: you must be fun at
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so, to be clear: even though you are not an american, you want a border wall? >> oh yes, the wall is the simplest, most elegant solution for keeping people out of a country. way more practical than, say, a flaming moat full of crocodiles or training swarms of bees to check passports. >> stephen: i have to say, i'm pretty surprised you are such an enthusiastic proponent of the wall. >> why? >> stephen: because you're mexican. >> mexican? what are you talking about? i'm canadian, ey. >> stephen: canadian? i thought you were hispanic. >> oh, so just because somebody is hispanic, they cannot be canadian? come on. have you never heard of the host of jeopardy, alejandro trebek? >> stephen: i am familiar with him. so why is a canadian building our mexican border wall? >> no, i'm in alberta, stephen. i'm building this wall to keep americans out of canada. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: but why? >> because it's delicious! french fries, cheese and gravy? c'mon. >> stephen: no, why the wall? >> because if donald trump is elected, you americans are going to flee to canada like crazy. you'll take our jobs and steal our canadian women! keep your filthy american hands off celine dion! my heart will go on-- not yours. >> stephen: but what about americans who have relatives in canada? you're separating families! imaginary girlfriends. >> sorry, stephen, she's my imaginary girlfriend now. >> stephen: beth! no! yes, beth. sorry, stephen. and the best part is, we're going to make america pay for the wall. okay? make canada great again! ( cheers and applause )
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to go have imaginary sex with beth. >> stephen: martin hernandez, everyone. we'll be right back with emily blunt. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? why get your eyes checked the old fashioned way, when lenscrafters can digitally map them for you. introducing clarifye, when cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. it's the only cold & flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. theraflu. for a powerful comeback.
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e heck voted ten times to take away their funding. heck even threatened to shut down the federal government to eliminate funding for planned parenthood. shutting down the government... taking away access to lifesaving care... just to score political points. joe heck should be ashamed. women vote is responsible for the content of this advertising. ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight has starred in everything from "the devil wears prada" to "sicario." her new movie, "the girl on the train," opens tomorrow!
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? >> stephen: welcome back! thanks. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: the last time i saw you and your lovely husband were pregnant at the time. >> i was. >> stephen: had your baby. i did. >> stephen: i keep forgetting. your baby has a flower name? >> she's a violet. >> stephen: and your other child. >> hazel. they should be playing bridge. a couple old bitties. >> stephen: old lady names. they are. they're coming back.
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in my class. >> stephen: no stephens. it was out of favor. >> i went to school with stephen collins who was a bully. sorry, stephen collins. >> stephen: i apologize on behalf of all stephens, i guess. sorry about that. this is your second child. do you care -- worryless! ( laughter ) >> i'm more relaxed. you have two. >> stephen: i have three. the third is like free-range. put some food on the floor, it's water. but you do worry less? >> more relaxed. the kid is zenned out. she's so relaxed because i'm relaxed. >> stephen: that's pleasant. relaxed mommy makes everybody happy. >> exactly. >> stephen: we were supposed to have dinner. we had prior engagements. >> stephen: we are popular people. and then we were going to have dinner next week and you're hosting "saturday night live." >> i know. ( applause ) >> stephen: and then you're
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>> for eight months. >> stephen: to may mary poppins! ( cheers and applause ) which is extraordinary. >> yes. >> stephen: let's think about your children. how would you feel if your mother was mary poppins? is that good or bad? >> people ask me that and i'm always, like, it's such a gift i can do this for my girls, and with you asking me how i would feel, i'm wondering. mary pmary poppins is kind of i. for england, it's like playing batman or something because she's got superpowers, right? >> totally. every time i mention to someone that i'm playing mary poppins, they do a dick van dyke accent. ( laughter ) is that growing up in england, you had to watch mary poppins.
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cockney accent, is it? >> no. my mother says we look back on it with great fondness. >> stephen: the pleasure of distance. >> yes. >> stephen: are there different ways to compliment or not in england as opposed to america? >> yes. i get in trouble here. you guys, if you really like something, you say, i thought it was quite good. and to me, that is really rude yes, it was quite good, which means it was trash, you hated it. >> stephen: how does that translate as bad. >> quite good, ahh -- not there, quite good. people come up and say, i saw your movie, it was quite good. i thought, well, you don't have
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say in england. >> you were good. >> stephen: don't go overboard. >> people are not effusive. >> stephen: you will be there eight months. your girls will be there be you. >> yes. >> stephen: what about john kaczynski? >> he's coming for the first three months, then he has a job to go to. he loves it and very much feels like a foreigner there. i think americans are so i do not think it works the other way around. >> stephen: we like you more than you like us? >> yes. and john said he would go into a snooty cafe near a flat i used to own and he said they're always so horrible to me. i said, take your baseball cap off. no one wears baseball hats in england. you look so american. it's true. >> stephen: why don't you like us? >> i have no idea.
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world war ii! >> hey! >> stephen: i'm personally offended. >> i look back on that with great fondness. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how long have you been in the states working now? >> i have been here for eight years. >> stephen: wow. okay. when you go back, do people say, wow, you've really got an american accent. >> my mom. >> stephen: really? my mother is featured a lot in in interview. she said to me on the phone, you're sounding very mid >> stephen: is that iceland? somewhere like you're bobbing around in the waves somewhere in the middle? ( laughter ) the new movie is "the girl on the train. >> yes. >> stephen: a huge best-seller. you are the woman on the train. >> yes. how dare you! keep it useful! >> stephen: no, i just want to say the right thing. >> that's all right. >> stephen: you are a somewhat troubled person. >> just a little, yes. >> stephen: who believes she has seen something nefarious
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talking to allison janney, a police inspector. >> and i'm also an alcoholic which is why i look pretty rough. >> stephen: also had a second child. that doesn't help at all. >> hey! >> stephen: you look fantastic. jim? >> i saw something with megan but not on friday night. she -- she was having an affair. she had a lover. that's what i'm trying to tell you. >> i thought you didn't know her. >> no, but i saw her. you saw her where? i saw her from the train. she was standing on the deck with this man. >> her husband scott, with him? no, this man was different and they were kissing. >> wow. that's pretty coincidental, isn't it? ( applause ) >> she's a tough crowd. >> stephen: please stick around. we'll talk more. back with more emily blunt, everybody. ?
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! we're here with the lovely and talented emily blunt. now, "the girl on the train -- >> yeah. >> stephen: a fantastic cast. allison janney. >> one of the best. plays your husband. >> yes. >> stephen: he's hilarious. he is. >> stephen: it's not a funny movie. >> no, he was so wonderful on set because he kept things so light and sent me jokes. he would send me acting tip videos to cheer me up. if he knew i was having a hard
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scenes. >> stephen: wow. those tips. >> stephen: or sex while driving. >> yeah. but i got so into them and they made me laugh so much, then i started to reciprocate and we recorded a few as well. >> stephen: you sent along a clip from your phone. >> i did. no one has ever seen this. >> stephen: is this you giving tips to him or him giving tips to you? >> this is me showing him how you can prove a line in different a different intonations. >> stephen: this is emily and justin in a car giving tips on a single line. jim? >> so for example, justin has a line where he says, i don't want you anywhere near here. and i was thinking he could play it various different ways. he could play it, i don't want "you" anywhere near here! i mean, it's effective.
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him. >> i don't want you anywhere near him. i don't want "you" anywhere "near" him. >> that's good. >> stephen: you're a great coach. ( applause ) >> just trying to point him in the right direction. >> stephen: i'm not an actor -- ( laughter ) but i do have to say lines over and over on the show. every night. one of them is this line, and i wouldn't mind getting tips from you. i've said it about 220 times so far last near. >> the line is, stick around, we've got a great show. could be played in various different ways. >> stephen: how do i get the most out of that? >> well, i just feel you have to add a little bit of gravidas to it.
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defensive. ( laughter ) you just see what that might look like. >> to you? yeah, right to me. stick around, we've got a great show. give me a reading. >> yeah, i mean, no, it was good. >> stephen: no, give me a reading. i'm not too proud. give me a reading. >> stick around, we've -- we've got a great show. ( applause ) right? okay, let him try again. >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show. ( cheers and applause ) >> stick around, we've got a great show. >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show. >> stick around, we've got a great show. >> stephen: stick around we've got a great show. >> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around,
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>> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show! >> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show! >> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show! >> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show! >> stick around, we've got a great show! ( cheers and applause ) oh, wow. >> stick around, we've got a great show. stick around, we've got a great show. we've got a great show.
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>> stephen: stick around... ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) emily blunt, everybody! stick around, we've got a great show! ( cheers and applause )
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i think my strongest asset, maybe by far, is my temperament. i'd like to punch him in the face, i'll tell you. i would bomb the [bleep] out of 'em. i could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and i wouldn't lose any voters, okay? and you can tell them to go [bleep] themselves.
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get the hell out of here! priorities usa action is responsible for the content of this advertising. priorities usa action is responsible horner: i was proud to stand for our country. i will not stand for congressman hardy and donald trump insulting seniors and veterans. hardy wants to raise the retirement age and said seniors who rely on programs like social security are a draw on government and the disabled are a drain on society. and then there's donald trump. dccc is responsible for the content of this advertising. ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. i'm very excited about our next
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producer. you know him from projects such as "amores perros," "y tu mama?a tambiee?n," and "mozart in the jungle." he stars in a new movie, "desierto." please welcome gael garcii?a. bernal! ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: we can shake hands, just to stay warm. >> yeah. >> stephen: your new movie is called "desierto." tell the people what it's about. i don't want to characterize it. go ahead. >> basically, it's about a group of migrants that are going from mexico toward the united states, they're from different parts of latin america, and, all of a sudden, as they're crossing the border in the most dangerous part which is the arizona desert, all of a sudden this
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>> stephen: that's played by jeffrey morgan. >> yeah. >> stephen: he's hunting them, really. >> hunting them. >> stephen: this is a very interesting time to be releasing this movie because immigration is sort of the hottest topic in our political landscape right now. donald trump has made his campaign about the wall, and stopping what you call migrants, what opponents of immigration would call illegals. how is he perceived in mexico? do people talk about him at all? >> well, at the beginning, there was an ignoring factor. it was a bit like is this a joke? this must not be real. what's going on? >> stephen: that was the reaction here, too. >> in the beginning, it was that, and, obviously, it's changed into this kind of nervousness here and anger, also, because the first thing he
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he said when he wanted to become the candidate, no, he said mexicans are rapists -- >> stephen: drug dealers, murderers. >> and some of them may be good people, you know, just out of pure chance. >> stephen: are you one of the good ones? >> well, you never know, you know, because -- i don't know, it's, like, yeah, exactly. >> stephen: yeah. of course, it's not seen in a good light in mexico. not only that but also the way our government has treated that issue, the hate speech he's been sort of spreading. something that our government in mexico hasn't done a very good job at stopping and pointing out. so we are very upset about it, yes. i can talk for all mexicans, we are incredibly upset, and angered as well. >> stephen: well, this movie is not going to make them feel any better because jeffrey dean
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movie who is hunting people coming over the border. it's really a horror movie in a way. >> it is. >> stephen: and we have a clip here and anything else we need to say about it before we go in? you were one to have the migrants coming across the border with your wife? >> he's returning to his home because here in the united states is where he had a son and he was deported, like so many are deported. >> stephen: he was picked up by ice here in the united states >> exactly, he's coming back to see his son. >> stephen: okay. jim? ( breathing heavily )
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>> stephen: and that teddy bear is his son's. >> that teddy bear, he's returning it to his son. ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah. the dogs in the film are incredible. >> stephen: did you learn anything from the dogs? because i just got acting lessons from emily blunt. >> yeah, right. i cannot tell you what i learned. >> stephen: you can't tell you what can't say it on tv? is it rude? >> it's too precious. >> stephen: you don't want to give away the secrets? >> exactly. >> stephen: i want to know how they lick themselves. what is the secret? ( laughter ) let me play the devil's advocate. 40% of the nation looks like they may be voting for donald trump and they would say a country without borders is not a country. and they can say we can make a
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able to protect our country by the spread of immigration by not being able to vet who's coming in here. what do you say about them making a movie about what disturbs them? >> you don't need a movie. it's a negative migration about what's happening between mexico and the united states. there is more people rni to mexico from the united states than people coming to the united states from mexico now. it's an issue that needs to be talked about. if we're criminalizing migration which is a natural phenomenon, which is why humans still exist on earth and, economically, the world needs this flow of people, you know, and we're criminalizing that natural flow of people so much that we're forcing them to be in the same hands of drug traffickers, in
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whatever in the most base of society, you know, like very ostracized from society. and all the migrants are doing -- we all come from migrants. we are migrants, our kids will be migrants. ( applause ) the journey these people are doing is the most benign journey because they're trying to make their future better which means the future of humanity. >> stephen: you yourself still live in mexico and are a mexican citizen, right? >> yes. >> stephen: and you have been given the challenge and honor to play zoro next. >> yes. >> stephen: that's like the mary poppins of mexico. ( laughter ) ( applause ) how is your z with a sword? is it good? >> it's good. but i think if they're looking from that side, i have to do it the other way. >> stephen: good luck. lovely to see you again. >> lovely to see you as well.
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d cortez masto's dedication to fighting sex trafficking. don't let joe heck's billionaires fool you. catherine cortez masto has always stood up for us. i'm catherine cortez masto and i approve this message.
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she saw the boots and fell for fall all over again. was she expecting to find the perfect designer boots at such an amazing price? no. but that's the beauty of a store full of surprises. you never know what you're gonna find, but you know you're gonna love it. fact. people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. sleep. you love all-day breakfast. i love all-day breakfast. but you don't love that you can't get all your favorites all day. but i want mcgriddles too. but now you'll love that you can get more all day. like those mcgriddles. yeah i do love that! so you'll have to find something else to not love. like dog strollers. or football players who stress the word "the". tv: the glencoebrook state community college... or inappropriately-timed political discussions. ...cause it's as if it didn't even matter.
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my advice for looking younger, longer? get your beauty sleep. and use aveeno? absolutely ageless? night cream with active naturals? blackberry complex. younger looking skin can start today. absolutely ageless? from aveeno?. ? oh ? ? with a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of ?
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don't get me high anymore," ladies and gentlemen, phantogram! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? i don't like staying at home when the moon is bleeding red ? woke up stoned in the backseat from a dream ? where my teeth fell out of my head ? cut it up, cut it up, yeah everybody's on something here ? my god send chemical best friend skeleton whispering in my ear ? walk with me to the end
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? do you feel like letting go i wonder how far down it is ? nothing is fun not like before you don't get me high anymore ? used to take one now it takes four you don't get me high anymore ? runnin' through emergency rooms ? spinning wheels and ceiling fans ? my handshake, cellophane, landscape, ? mannequin faking it the best i can ? cadillac, cadillac red no hands on the steering wheel ? i'm crashing this save-a-ho puppet show ? u.f.o. obliterate the way i feel ? walk with me to the end
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i wonder how far down it is ? nothing is fun not like before you don't get me high anymore ? used to take one now it takes four you don't get me high anymore ? you don't get me high anymore you don't get me high anymore ? ? ? walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss
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i wonder how far down it is ? nothing is fun not like before you don't get me high anymore ? used to take one now it takes four you don't get me high anymore ? you don't get me high anymore you don't get me high anymore ? ? you don't get me high anymore you don't get me high anymore ? ( cheers and applause )
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phantogram, everybody!
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two billionaires, spending millions to buy a senate seat for joe heck. smearing catherine cortez masto with ads called "bogus," "highly misleading," and "false." as attorney general, it's cortez masto ountable and helped nevada homeowners. and governor sandoval praised cortez masto's dedication to fighting sex trafficking. don't let joe heck's billionaires fool you. catherine cortez masto has always stood up for us. i'm catherine cortez masto
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be diane lane, aja naomi king, and comedian alingon
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corden and his guests, zach galifianakis and taylor lautner. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and genetlemen, all the way from sagarika, norway, here's your host, the one, the only, james


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