tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 3, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
and jacob heller. >> stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. ( cheers and applause ) thanks. thank you very much. thank you, thank you! welcome to "the late show."
i'd say so. ticktock, ticktock. welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. i am your host, stephen colbert. they love it. thananyou so much for being here upon i feel just the way do you. i meaea there's one thing i've proving up here in this suit right now, it's that sex sells. ( laughter ) and if you don't believe me, if you don't believe me, ask the world's oldest professionon advertising.g. because i don't know if you've seen this, but there's a super bowl ad for the n.f.l. that's got everyone talking. it features singing choirs of children and adults who were born nine months after their local teams won a super bowl, the idea-- fairly obvious-- the idea being, the idea being that their parents were so exciteed
right after the game ended, they, let's say... put one through the uprights. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh, shucks. >> i can say that. that's legal. this ad confirms two things to me right away-- one, baseball is no longer our national pastime. football is. that's why i'm doingng live "late show" right aftete super bowl 50 this sunday. ( cheers and applause ) and because-- i see now, i see now, because it is right after the super bowl, i have to accept it's just going to be thehe soundtrack to your lovemaking. for half of you. and, second, i think it's time to dethrone baseball as our national metaphor for sex-- first base, second base,
so tonight i'm converting america's sex metaphors from baseball to football. here we go. right from the kickoff, i should note that not every drive has to end with a score. if the other team isn't letting you advance, go home and watch some g ge tapes by yourself. ( cheers and applause ) okay? >> jon: reference the tapes, right. handling. ( laughter ) next-- >> jon: oh, man! >> stephen: next metaphor, getting to first base is now getting a first down. second base is holding. and third base is a quarterback sneak. avoid unnecessary roughness by establishing a safe word. peyton manning's is "oak what." and finally, of course, home run is now a touchdown. and this is cbs, so i can't say what an extra point is, but
( cheers and applause ) speaking of excited fans, we have a great show for you tonight. first, i'll be talking with the host of the "dr. phil" show, dr. phil mcgraw. very big guy. up to the take his advice just so he won't be angry with you. he's going to write me a prescription for a great interview, even though what i asked for was vicodin. then from the hbo show "togetherness," i'll sit down with jay and mark duplass. ( cheers and applause ) they-- brothers working together. they are two of the most famous brothers in entertainment right after mario, ringling, and the property. then i will mix it up with author and professor, michael
his new book is called "the black presidency." perhaps-- i don't know-- in eight years, he'll be be writing "the orange presidency." and we don't know. very early in the game. a lot of trump fans here tonight. d i'll have a perforornce from singer anderson paak. oh, ticktock. ticktock. do you hear that? that is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! >> jon: yeah, babe! >> stephen: it's good! they're about to rev this show's engines, pop the clutch, and burn rubber on me, but before they do, one more thing: ben & jerry's has announced they are coming out with vegan ice cream, hopefully w wh actual
>> tonight, stephen welcomes dr. phil. from hboa "togetherness," jay and mark duplass. author michael eric dyson. and a musical performance by anderson paak. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thanks, everybody. thanks so much! mmm. there gu. >> stephen! stephen! stephen!
>> stephen: that's nice, man. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. no, folks, i don't want to bring up any painful memories, but on monday, they held the iowa caucus. and this year they held it in the traditional state of iowa. and the winners were hillary clinton and ted cruz. i'm not sure what they won, but i'm guessing it's deep on fried. and everybody else lost. listen, here's the thing, i know being a candidate can't abe picnic. 7 your every move is watched and criticized as you kiss babies, shake hands, and do your best not to mix those two t tngs up. and guys like me are just waiting for you to stumble, and that's not fair, for any mistake you made.
and heartless. it's like "the hunger games. no, more than that, it's the "hungry for power games"! yes! welcome! yes! a-ha-ha. my eyebrows are too excited to be cononined by my forehead. yes, welcome, citizens, to the "hungry for power games"! tributes, assemble! ( cheers and applause ) yes, so, just look at them, the pride of the districts. there used to be so, so many of them. now, there are just too, too many of them. i'm like a cheetah culling the herd. but, alas, citizens there has been a bloodbath in iowa's cornucucia, an unprecededted harvest of brave tributes, including an old friend. >> kentucky senator rand paul will suspend his campaign for
>> here was part of the statement that rand paul sent out, "the fight is far from over. i will continue to carry the torch for liberty in the united states senate." >> stephen: yes, the torch of liberty still burns. just keep it away from whatever is nesting on your head. ( laughter ) the kentucky senator and self-certified ophthalmologist started strong with a series of viral videos, setting fire to the united states tax code, throwing it into a woodchipper and shredding it with a chain saw. now that his campaign is over, let's take a page from rand paul's book of heavy-handed metaphors. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) good-bye! goodbye, rand!
oh, no, no. there's nothing we can do. he remains white bread. ( cheers and applause ) mmmm! mmmm! on monday, dr. paul came in fifth in the iowa caucus with only 4.5% of the vote. you would think being an eye doctor he would've seen this coming. ( laughter ) losing? or losing? losing? or losing? arrgh! i'm a pirate. arrgh! alas, people had such high hopes for rand winning, in that those who hoped were clearly high. ( laughter ) but senator paul should take some comfort in living up to his father's legacy of also not being president. also tossed on the funeral pyre of politics this week was democratic candidate martin o'malley.
know him? ( cheers and applause ) it seems that the high-fructose voters of iowa could not relate to a man in his 50s with abs like that. he'll now return to his natural habibit, playing sleeveless guitar in a viagra commercial. but we have lost yet another tribute to the blood pits of capital city. >> mike huckabee has announced he's ending his campaign. >> it's time to officially suspend the campaign, but not because of the votes. it's because of illness. obviously, the voters are sick of me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, good one, tres droll. good one, g gernor huckabee. as they say, brevity is the soul of wit, and yours was a very witty campaign indeed! huckabee's boldest stratagem was defending kim davis, the
same-sex marriage licenses, >> audience: boo! and creme rinse. huckabee even hucka-said this: >> if somebody needs to go to jail, i'm willing to go in her place. >> stephen: yes, jail, the white house-- anywhere the government is picking up the rent. he just needs a place to crash. and finally, we must honor our last fallen tribute, former pennsylvania senator and and not president of the united states, jim gilmore. when the votes were counted in iowa, gilmore won 12. not 122%, not 12 delegates. 12 people. ( laughter ) that's chewer than the members of chumbawumba. i get knocked down to put it-- i get knocked down again to put that in perspective, in
those people up from end to end, it would be easy because there are only 12 of them. ( laughter ) keep this in mind-- he only got 12 votes. that is less-- and this is true, we looked it up-- than the number of people in iowa named jim gilmore. ( cheers and applause ) all of whom are now, because i said that, more electable than jim gilmore. naturally, gilmore withdrew from the race with a gracious-- what? what's that? 's still running? does he know that he's still-- ( laughter ) let us now bid farewell to the fallen who have fallen. but for the rest, your time in
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please welcome dr. phil mcgraw. ( cheers and applause ) stephen: thanks for beingng here. >> thanks f f having me. >> stephen: nice to have you on. man, i'm a real talk show now that i have dr. phil on. >> you're a real talk show anyway. >> stephen: you're the number one daytime host. do you have any tips? how do you get everybody to watch you like you do? what's your draw? why do you think people tune in to "dr. phil"? >> pretty face. no we know it's not that that. >> stephen: well, we know sex sells. sex sells. that's proven. >> that's it. >> stephen: why do you go with dr. phil and not dr. mcgraw. dr. phil sounds like a substitute teacher who will put on video for an hour because he wants to sleep. we're going to study ancient rome, kids, but watch "gladarty" first. >> well, the principalal was rah, and she saiai "you're dr. phil." >> stephen: oh, did she really.
the queen. you're sir phil now. >> if oprah had said, loretta, i would have said okay. it's the loretta show! no, seriousus -- >> you've just been inducted into the broadcasting hall of fame. congratulations. >> well, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) that was-- that was a pretty surreal thing for me. i mean, i never intended to do television, nener had any d dire to do television. i mean, no kid sits in their sandbox and says i want to grow up and be a talk show host. so i certainly didn't plan-- ( laughter ) you were that kid! > stephen: i probably was that kid. yeah. is somebody forcing you to do that at this point? >> no. i just didn't plan it. it just kind of evolved through things i was doing. >> stephen: you helped oprah, right? you helped oprah, you used to-- what did you do? you coached people to give testimony in trials, or something like that? is that what it was? >> s sething like that.
>> well, i had a trial science firm, trial psychology, where you plan trials, and you come up with strategies, and you help people to tell the truth effectively, shall we say. ( laughter ) ) >> stephen: that "shall we say" sounds pretty shady, doc. ( laughter ) i hate to see something happen to your business here, shall we say. ( laughter ) >> this-- this is america, jack. you're entitled to the best defense money can buy. >> stephen: that's true. that's true. now, you've been nominated for an emmy 27 times. >> right. >> stephen: for the "dr. phil" show. never gotten one. >> i've won an emmy but not for the "dr. phil" show. >> stephen: for something else? >> yes. >> stephen:ut for you, nothing? how does that make you feel? >> well -- >> i'll tell you what, just tell it to my emmy. how do you. ( cheers and applause ) just talk to-- >> let me-- let me -- >> don't touch her now.
hold on, hold on. getting her dirty. you're getting her dirty. how does that make you feel? >> is that one -- >> tell it to my grammy instead. tell me what do you. ( cheers and applause ) >> okay, all right. >> stephen: all right, okay, tv, tv psychology. can you-- how long do you actually spend with the people on tv? is that an effective length of time to plumb the depths or do you have to do a lot of tough love fast? >he only t te i see them is on camera. i don't talk to them off camera. and i've never had the idea that i'm doing eight-minute cures out there. that's not what i do. i'm like an emotional compass. i popot people in the direction i think they need to go, and then put them out there and hope they continue down that path. now sometimes -- >> compass is technically a point where the compass wants to point. you know, you're always pointing
>> well north my compass. my compass points down this path. sometimes i tell people they need to get a divorce. but -- >> really really, did you do marriage counseling? >> i did. i was in private practice, but i have to say, i was probably the worst marital counselorn the-of marital counseling. >> stephen: why? what was-- >> i just didn't have the temperament for it. a husband and wife would come in in and they would sit down and start bickering back and forth and five minutes into the hour i would say, my god. i get it. i've been with you people 10 minute. i can't stand either one of you. i totally get it. i think you should get a divorce before dark. that's the way i was when i was in private practice. it was the same way. i would say,look, you can comee here for sixix months, and i can talk to you for six months and you can pay me, or i can just tell you today you're an bloop. that's the problem. >> stephen: straight shooter. >> i would just tell them the
have to believe it. i just tell them the truth as i saw it, take it or leave it. >> stephen: you played ball, right, you played football. >> i did. >> stephen: you feel like a coach sometimes. there's a little bit of a "walk it off" from dr. phil. there's a little bit of, let's not engage in psychological mumbo jumbo. suck it up. >> people ask me sometimes i do think problems are as simple as i make them out to be. i don't think problems are simple at all. i think problems are oftentimes very layered and complex, but the solutions are often very simple.. i mean, comen, don't you think? common sense just isn't common enough anymore. i mean, there there is just not enough common sense around. problems can become complex, but the solutions are like-- it's like when you go to the doctor and say, "it hurt when i do that." and he says, "don't do that." >> stephen: by the way, that's a terrible doctor, by the way. i mean, if you tore a rotator cuff, that's not good enough.
i can't feed myself anymore." "well, don't eat. try learning to use your feet. try combing your hair with your feet." >> it does stop hurting. >> stephen: it does stop hurting. that's true, that's true. >> sometimes there are basic rules of life people forget like do not rewewd bad behavior. >> stephen: such as? >f your kid is throwing a tantrum, do not reward the tantrum. don't give in to the kid. don't give them what they want. i see mothers all over america. ( cheers and applause ) you know, they reward bad behavior. >> stephen: those are either people who have terrible children or live near them. ( laughter ). >> no, those are people that got away with the tantrums and they're just glad i didn't say it till now. that's the problem. so, i mean, really, you just-- it's simple. you don't reward bad behavior. people do that too much. >> stephen: well, listen, you're a doctor. i have got a doctorate, an honorary doctorate of combine arts from knoxx college, okay. so what i'm going to do tonight
members of my audience two tweet-- >> do you mind if i look that over. >> stephen: maybe a little later. i'm not going to leave you alone with that or my emmy. i asked some of my viewers out there to tweet some of their psychological problems to me, not saying that you were going to be on the show, and they sent me a couple of good ones. here's one from matthew kern: what's your advice? does he do it or not? >> get a new girlfriend. because if-- i mean, that's his beard. if that's him, if that's who he wants to be and she's judging him based on that, i mean, i am-- i live with hair problems. ( laughter ) okay? they've got to accept you with whatever you come with. right? >> stephen: uh-huh. i suppose so. okay, i'm going to differ-- it's real. i promise you. i'm going to differ with the doctor on this one. okay,,atthew, i'm going to say no matter how much chuck you throw into the grinder, the burger is not going to matter unless the yidled is hot. she doesn't the want you to grow a beard.
and think how much she wants she wants to kiss it. shave that thing offff and that's good eating. >> god, is that what-- ( applause ). >> stephen: is that metaphor too complex for you? is that 52 folksy for you, doctor. >> that sounded like me with an echo. >> stephen: i'm trying to get you 4.4 million people. i want youou audience, doc. >> that was good, actually. the advice was wrong, but it was good rhetoric. >> stephen: how do you know if the advice is wrong? how do you know if your advice is work or not? do you ever check up on these people? >> oh, no. hell no. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's dr. phil, i got mine jack mcgraw. and now we'll be right back after this commercial message. okay. how about one more. how about one more okay. my ex-girlfriend-- this is from
what do you think? >> you go get your damn cat. ( cheers and applause ) you go get your cat. you don't-- you don't let somebody-- you don't let somebody take your cat. now, they can take your car. they can-- they can take your stuff, but they don't take your cat. i'm a cat guy. >> stephen: you're a cat by? >> you gotta go get your cat. >> stephen: i disagree. all right. here's my advice. cats have nine lives. let your cat live its. you don't miss your cat. you miss your girlfriend, all right? let her go. ( laughter ) ( applause ) are you goinin to cry? you look like you're going to tear up. are you going to cry? >> you need a lot of help. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i hope you'll come back and give it to
dr. phil mcgraw, everybody! yeah, i'm married. does it matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm?
( cheers and applause ) >> are you coming at me like this? i've literally done everything you wanted to do today. i went to every store. and i even talked to that nasty unmarried bald man. >> skews me, would you ladies like to take the 110 or 134. excuse me, ladies. you know, we'll take the one 10 then. >> all you do is tell people
top this, this instant! hey, cut it out! enough! enough! okay. get out. that's my car! enough! get out of my car! >> stephen: please welcome jay and mark duplass! >> stephen: mark, jay, jayay u're the older brother, right? >> i am. >> stephen: now, was working together, like, both of your ideas or did your mom say, "you have to let your brother play with you," when you were younger "because he loves you so much." >> that's a great question. there was a little bit of onus
playing together, working together. they were a little bit nefarious. they would punish us and get to the point where we would rebel against the greater force of our parents and work together.r. >> stephen: so you guys bonded through the oppression of your parents. >> absolutely. >> absolute. it was a ( bleep ) cold war in the house. >> stephen: the show is "togetherness." what does that name mean for the show? because the people on the show aren't together that much. they're-- they have trouble with their feelings. they're together-ish, rather than togetherness. what ask does that title mean for you guys? >> there's a little bit of togetherness. mark and i are family guys. we're cloa closewith our friends. we're close with our parents. we have young children, andnd we do our best to stay together and to work together. but you get to that point after about a week or so where you're doing everything together where you're just like, "get me out of here! " and there's a little bit of a tortured element to "togetherness." the concept.
and i are. we've been working together since we were kids, and we always feel like what we do is difficult. our television show is like this large monster that is threatening to destroy us at every turn. and we feel like we have strength in numbers and we need to stay together to sort of, like, defeat the frankenstein. >> yeah, your brothers help you with this show, right? >> yeah. >> because you don't want to die. ( laughter ) you-- you know that -- >> i don't, i don't want to die, jay. >> but you are-- your show is going to kill you. >> stephen: they're all lawyers. they could help me sue someone. >> so, they're not helping -- >> i'm the only one in my family who is in entertainment. >> oh, okay, all right. >> all right, he's going to die. >> probably going to be okay. yeah. >> stephen: because you're brothers, is there a sort of semisecret twin language that you use? like a code you have that other people don't understand? >> yeah, i mean, we have to be able to in any given situation because we're directing together
have them not really know what's happening, you know. >> that's true. >> it can be helpful-- >> we have some code-- >> just a little somethingng >> we could talk a little bit. >> stephen: try. >> would you like? we could have a little interaction that maybe you could figure out. >> stephen: i'll try to. >> if we're sitting here on a talk show and it was going really poorly, for instance. ( laughter ) and we felt our host--- >> the host is not pulling his weight. >> stephen: all right. >> i would say something like, "gee, this dude's cream cheesing up on this all over the place." >> i would say white van. >> white van. >> definitely white van. >> stephen: i don't know-- i know what cream cheese means-- >> you get the gist. >> stephen: i don't understand what cream cheese means. white van sounds like you're going to murder me. >> that's it! >> stephen: and put me in a white van and ride away. >> our grandmother when she didn't have anything for the recipe, if it called for something white, she would just
>> stephen: like potatoes? rice? >> i don't have those. let's put the cream cheese in. that's now our family terminology for someone hodoesn't quite know who they're doing but tries to make it happen anyway. ( laughter ). >> and, also, we were really sweet and sensitive as 13-year-old kids, basically treating our grandmother, who grew up in abject poverty with like, "is there cream cheese in this!" the woman who was, like, scared to buy anything at a grocery store. >> stephen: where does white van come from? >> white van, our father say lawyer and he had a private detective who would often talk about all these nefarious things he would do with the white van. and there was this suggestion at a certain point that if someone was acting really inappropriately, that maybe he would have to take them away in a white van. ( laughter ). >> stephen: see, that's-- forget my brothers. that's who i want helping me with my show. >> absolutely. >> absolutely. >> stephen: well, mark, jay, thanks so much for being here. >> thank you for having us. >> stephen: good luck with
>> stephen: season two of "togetherness" premieres february 21 on hbo. jay and mark duplass, everybody! we'll be right back. lease a 2016 lincoln mkx for $399 a month only at your lincoln dealer. late night at denny's withpancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage,oj and coffee it's the best way to celebrate friendship. even if we just met an hour ago. denny's grand slam slugger, part of the 2, 4, 6, 8 value menu. denny's. welcome to america's diner. there was a giant made by men. not from flesh and bone. but bricks and mortar,
a bestselling author, and an msnbc politicial commentator. please welcome michael eric dyson. ( applause ) >> stephen: brother dyson, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me, brother colbert. >> stephen: let's get to the heat of the meat. you have a new book called the black press against, barack obama and race in america. i realize this is the first black presidency. >> right. >> stephen: you seem to be implying this this book that there is opposition to barack obama often that has a racist tinge to it, opposition-- opposition to barack obama doesn't mean you're a racist, though, you'll agree with na. >> absolutely right. you can have critical viewpoints about the president. you can speak back to him.
i don't mean at all that that is racist. i'm suggesting despite the ideological and political differences there's an overlay of kind of racist reactions. for instance, a congressman stands up in congress and shouts, "you lie." a governor from arizona puts her fing in his face on the tarmac before the world. a reporter at the white house refuses to let him finish his press conference. this is unprecedented kind of stuff. >> stephen: so rudeness equals racism in this equation. >> not at all. >> stephen: that's all rude but you can't prove it's racist. >> no other president has endured that, number one. >> stephen: they said some pretty bad stuff to bill clinton. they were pretty mean to him at times. i said some pretty rough stuff about george bush. >> morningy, simian, witch doctor. look at the racial overlay. he's from kenya. can we trust you. >> stephen: 43% of republicans believe he's a muslim. 15% of democrats, and, like, 23% of independents. >> as jerry seinfeld says, not that there's any problem with that, but the reality is, the
he's been in the church for 20-some years and he's been dismissed. the republicans don't believe in abortion but they want to birth. they want to distance him from his own body. and i think, look, when you ( cheers and applause ) when you think about the fact that barack obama has many more death threats than any other president, that the kind of disrespect and acnoni that's been unleashed against him and the birther movement, we've got a guy running for president right now who led a birther movement suggesting this man was not really an american citizen. >> stephen: but now, donald trump has moved on to accusing a america. isn't that progress? now that he's accusing cruz, isn't that racial progress? >> no doubt. >> stephen: in some way. you've got to give me that. >> well there, would be racial progress but real racial progress would be if a black man could say, "if i stood in the middle of the street and shot somebody, i would still get votes." that would be racial progress. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i don't recommend
i don't recommend he say that. >> if obama dreamed he could bodonetsk, that he would wake up and apologize. he would have to say i'm sorry for imagining that. he has to be cool, calm, and dispassionate. people keep say why doesn't the president get emotional? because an angry black man scares the heck out of many people, right? ask cam newton. >> stephen: let me ask you this-- are you angry? are you angry. >> i'm not angry at all. i love being here with you. >> stephen: it's a pleasure to have you. bernie sanders did pretty well in iowa. he is leading in new hampshire by a substantial margin. but people say beyond, that those are lily white states, when he gets into states with hispanic and african american populations voting for president, he's in trouble. what do you believe bern kedo to appeal to the african american population. though i realize you're not feeling the bern. you're headed for the hills. what does bernie have to do?
>> i think if he pulled out an impression of naz in 1984, and dropped it, he would -- >> you're telling me hillary clinton can do that? hillary's got bars. >> hillary's got bars. >> bernie sanders is an amazing guy. a democratic socialist running in a very contested race for an american presidency. i think that's remarkable and i love that he's doing that and i love that hillary clinton could potentially become the first female president of the united states of america. ( applause ) and i believe barack obama has paved the way as a black man, it will be far easier for her as a white woman to be president because he has already broken down the barrier of otherness and proclaimed the virtue and intellect of difference in this country. >> stephen: hold on for a second. let me speak for women right now and say sisters are doing it for themselves. >> no doubt, no doubt. >> stephen: michael eric dyson's new book is "the black presidency: barack obama and
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special performance from his album, "malibu," please welcome, anderson paak and the free nationals. yeah, all of that back you carrying you gotta be kidding me all that body that you came with but where are you mentally i know you hear all the time but you ain't gonna hit for me i just wanna focus on and love this they say the heart is underneath underneath and guarded in securities i finally found the key open your heart x spots the mark baby
before the feds come and get you your mom's in prison, your father need a new kidney you family's splitting, rivalries between siblings if cash ain't king it's damn sure the incentive and good riddance new york city are you with us? ( applause ) bout the year drizzy and cole dropped before k. dot had it locked i was sleeping on the floor, newborn baby boy tryna get my money pot so wifey wouldn't get deported cursing the heavens, falling out of orbit truma roll this seven, tryna up my portion what about your goals? wh about your leverage? so they don't force you into some hole what's the meaning of my fortune meeting? when i crack the cookie all it said was "keep dreaming" when i look at my tree, i see leaves missing generations of harsh living and addiction i came to visit during the seven year stint but they wouldn't let me in because my license suspended now i'm scraping the pennies just to kiss you on your cheek it's gonna be a couple weeks