tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 10, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
3 that's all our >> jon: stephen colbert! ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thanks so much! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: jon batiste! welcome to "the late "the late show,"" everybody. thanks so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! stephen! thanks, everybody. thanks so much. welcome to the show. please. ( cheers and applause ) i hope you all have a good time tonight. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert.
incredible. that is unbelievable! i can't wait to get over to my desk right over there to talk about the unprecendented cluster-brunch it was. i want to go over there right now, but i know i can't. because we have an established format, and as a responsible host, i have to do the mature thing and do what is expected to get the job done. and i accept that. so first, let's get this done. happy ash wednesday, everybody. happy ash wednesday. is something you're never supposed to say, because ash wednesday is the day when you think about your mortality because-- fun fact it's ashes represent the grave to which we will all return. it marks the beginning of lent. which is a time that those of us
well, yeah. no! , of course, that's what you want! but, no, when you grow up you realize you can't always get what you want. you have to do things that are responsible. ( cheers and applause ) senator bernie sanders! >> stephen! >> bernqe! bernie! bernie! bernie! bernie! >> thank you. >> stephen, stephen. ( cheers and applause ) stephen, that is thought true. >> stephen: what's not true? >> stephen, you can do what you want and be responsible. >> stephen: but senators these shows are supposed to start with the host standing up and talking to the camera. >> stephen, that's what the
you've got to equal your heart. go your own way. the revolution is possible. you are the revolution. ( cheers and applause ) in this time, the revolution will literally be televised. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, okay, i mean, that's a strong message. i understand, but at least i have to say who's on the show, sir? >> don't worry. i'll take care of it. who's on tonight? >> stephen: well, first up, i'll be talking to the great ben stiller, everybody. >> oh, he's good. he's the star of "zoolander 2." i hope they bring back the original zoo. >> stephen: yes, me, too. then i'll be sitting down with presidential candidate, senator bernie sanders. >> wow, how did you get him? he's electrifying. >> stephen: then finally, i'll have a performance by a japanese percussion group, drum tao. >> you now, many of my
familiar with drum circles. ( band playing ) >> stephen: oh, wow. >> hey, stephen, do you hear that? >> stephen: i did, yeah. >> it's jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. they're about to light the fuse on the funk rocket. but first, one more thing: last night, bernie sanders won the new hampshire primary by 22 points. no joke! ( cheers and applause ) >> tonight, stephen welcomes ben stiller. senator bernie sanders. and a musical performance by
human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! yeah! nice! wow! that's nice. i gotta say, this feels good. this feels right. the senator is right, just do-- just follow your heart, right, guys? >> jon: that's right! >> stephen: i just want to say they love the new hampshire primaries. every four years iowa goes "hey, how about this," and new hampshire goes, "no, stupid, this." and last night in the granite state, bernie sanders and donald trump each crushed their competition by 20 points,
system upside down. outsiders are the insiders. socialists are the establishment. these are now acceptable hairstyles! and don't you say you saw this come! "oh, i saw this coming." shut up. you did not! maybe you saw this coming last remember how these guys launched their campaigns? trump making his slow descent down stair force one. and bernie sanders announcing in what appears to be a public park with more microphones in attendance than people. and now some of the guys on the cable news and the media are saying this was inevitable. easy to say now! that is like driving on the highway, skidding off the road, and right before you slam into a tree, saying, "yep, it's that tree i was looking for! dutch elm." boom! and even though they said they saw it coming, they're disappointed in the voters. the huffington post huffed,
and the cover of the "daily news" today was "dawn of the brain dead." ( cheers and applause ) and here's the thing because an avowed socialist and a reality star. that's who's leading. and i think i know what is going on here. it is almost valentine's day, and the heart wants what it wants. america has been told for years to pick the sensible candidate, the responsible one, a buddy, a pal, great on paper. "you will grow to love them." but now it is getting swept off its feet by a couple of bad boys from the wrong side of the polls. ( laughter ) they are so dangerous, you just want to surrender your body politic and let them do what they will. "you will never understand, dad. at his rallies, he makes me feel things i've never felt before." and if these guys do manage to make it all the way to the general election, it will make for some great debates. ( as bernie ) "donald trump is a billionaire. he's going to give our country to the 1%." ( as trump ) "bernie sanders is a clown. he's going to give our country to china."
"donald trump is a great negotiator..." and at this point i can't tell if i'm doing trump or bernie. i can't tell honestly, the difference is not "yuge." of course, one candidate who did not do so well last night is the winner of the 2016 presidential election, hillary clinton. and even she knows why. >> i know i have some work to do, particularly with young people, but i will repeat again what i have said this week. ( cheers and applause ) even if they are not supporting me now, i support them. >> stephen: she is not reaching young people, so she is trying a new tactic: disappointed mom. ( laughter ) "i know you are mad at me right now, but i still love you. it's okay if you need to be the bad guy. just know that at the end of the day, i am the one who is
not your cool 74-year-old father who you hang out with on weekends. he just promises you everything-- free college, single-payer healthcare. he doesn't care if you smoke pot! well, guess what? that's not a plan. and someday when you are an underperforming frontrunner yourself, you will understand. i just hope that if you have voters of your own some day, they will appreciate you. because, clearly, somewhere along the way, i failed you as a candidate. so if you decide to start acting like an adult, i will be in south carolina. and it wouldn't kill you to pick up the phone and make a few calls on my behalf. now go have fun with bernie. i'll just sit here in the dark with bill." ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry. i made you a card. ( laughter ) it's made with macaroni and gold paint that says, "i'm sorry." ( laughter ) i'll put it over here. and just like in iowa, some of
were the losers. and the winningest loser of all was ohio governor-- and your school's second favorite shop teacher-- john kasich. ( laughter ) he finished second, behind donald trump. and the establishment must be relieved because he has a sane, rational message for voters. >> so, anybody who is here tonight, if i get elected president, head out tomorrow and buy a seat belt, because there's going to be so much happening in the first 100 days, it's going to make your head spin. >> stephen: okay, just a quick question. ( laughter ) i'm on board with this, but where do you buy a seat belt? i looked around. there's nothing in the phonebook that says, "your options are to mug a stewardess, as far as i can tell or buy a whole new car and rip one out. i this this one right here. he said it was going to make my head spin, so i will apply it as
that is super painful. okay. ow! ready for your inauguration, sir! ( cheers and applause ) by the way, if anyone wants to buy a non-street-legal kia sorrento, please see my craigslist ad. meanwhile, marco rubio came in a very disappointing fifth place, as opposed to iowa, where he came in a triumphant third place. no surprise after his disastrous performance in saturday's debate, but to give him credit. he took responsibility. >> our disappointment tonight is not on you. it's on me. it's on me. i did not-- i did not do well on saturday night. so listen to this. that will never happen again. >> stephen: confidence restored. ( laughter ) never happen again. like when the hindenberg said "just fill me with hydrogen and
i'll show that lightning what fur. but last night the name on everyone's lips was bernie sanders. unless you're chris hayes. >> you see that play out in different ways in both trump's particularly closing message railing against pharmaceutical companies and the like, and bernie sandwiches. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's right. that's right. "bernie sandwiches," a name everyone can get behind because he is not a member of the old boys' club. he fights the rich guys on behalf of the po boys. someone with a trusting, open face, and will surely win
and this is a french dip, he is awe jus-ish candidate. plus, he has a long history of supporting the l.g.b.l.t. community. sure, the democratic establishment may have a beef with him now, because he has been reuben them the wrong way. and i know it may sound hoagie, and he doesn't have it all wrapped up yet, but in times like these, his supporters believe e need a believe we need a hero. we'll be right back with ben stiller, who had better be hungry. ( cheers and applause ) honey, do you know where my beige socks are? check the walk-in closet.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight has written, starred in, directed and produced more than 50 films, including "meet the parents," "night at the museum," and now "zoolander 2." >> you're not my father. you weren't there. >> that wasn't my choice. i was there when you were little. >> most kids play catch with their father.
thong shoot. >> there's a lot of starving children in africa who would die to go to a thong shoot. >> what? >> look, let me make it up to you. let's go play ball catching now. >> ball catching? >> so, how's the family reunion going? >> great. i'd like to check him out for a few hours if that's okay. >> sure, as long as he's back by sundown. >> he seems like a nice guy. >> you seem like an idiot. ( laughter ) >> stephen: please welcome, ben stiller. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> that was-- that was some amazing sandwich work you just did. >> stephen: thanks very much. i started off in a deli. >> really. >> stephen: yeah, i was discovered in a deli. >> it was like a crazy clown car of sandwiches that were coming out. >> stephen: i always keep a
times. >> was there someone under the desk handing you the sandwiches? >> stephen: no, i was making them as i went. congratulations on "zoolander 2". people had to wait 15 years. >> yes. >> stephen: why? why were you a "zoolander" tease? >> we were waiting for justin bieber to be conceived. and as soon as we heard the news, he charted his growth and maturation -- >> he's in the opening scene. we're not allowed to say what happens in the opening scene. >> you can say it. it's in the trailer. >> stephen: he is murdered in the opening scene. he is shot, like, maybe 1,000 times. >> he is as brutally murdered in a pg-13 movie as you can be. >> stephen: he's like sonny corleone at the pole. >> that was the inspiration for the scene. >> stephen: this might be the inspiration for doing the movie, too. can we see how sexy you are on the cover there? ( cheers and applause ) >> that was a childhood dream.
finally get penelope cruz a cover, help her out there. ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, when you play zoolander, you have to be sexy all the time. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: is that, "oh, i guess i have to be sexy now?" or you're secret likely, "i get to be sexy now." >> the first one. >> stephen: really, look at you. you're an honestly sexy guy. >> derek is ridiculously good -- >> i want to point something out. 15 years ago you made this movie. >> yes. >> stephen: i said, i told my people, go online and find a picture of ben from 15 years ago, and a picture of him now, and they gave me these two pictures and i said, "which one is which?" >> right. >> stephen: okay? what have you done? do you bathe in baby blood? what do you do? how do you do this? >> have you heard of blood cream. >> stephen: oh, no. >> you know what blood cream is? >> what is blood cream? >> people take their own blood and put it on their face. >> stephen: are you kidding? are you kidding?
>> stephen: wow, you still have all your hair. >> don't use his care cream, just his blood cream. >> stephen: this is "zoolander 2", and this is "zoolander 1." >> there's photoshop, too. >> stephen: you are phottingshopping right now. it's amazing. you do this faster than i make sandwiches. you shot this in rome, right? >> yes. >> stephen: is that, like, i'll do the movie if we can do it in rome? because that really seems like a scam for a trip. ( laughter ). >> no, it was fun to shoot there. it's definitely a different-- it's a whole different thing. guand meet everybody. we met the mayor of room. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. because you have to, like, get the cooperation of the carbenere. >> stephen: that sounds delicious. the cooperation of the who can you meet the pope? >> he declined.
>> no, he swiped left on eric zoolander. >> stephen: did you try to meet the pope? >> no, i was waiting for the invitation that never came. >> stephen: you just thought that he should know that is in town? i'm not going to go bowing and scraping to the pope. that's not how this works, baby? >> i just didn't want to get turned down. what do you say, "hey, can you check out and see if the pope is interested in meeting us?" >> stephen: i have done that many times. >> but you're a good catholic. >> stephen: yeah, i'm a catholic. >> and i'm au jous. ( cheers and applause ) but, you know, yeah, we didn't meet him. but the cast of "ben hur" they were shooting "ben hur" -- >> they shot that in 1952. what are you talking about? >> they shot a remake and it haunt come out yet. i guess because it's a tale of the christ -- >> exactly, well said. >> i just remember that -- >> "a tale of the christ." >> i remember as a kid watching that -- >> just shovel that story into
oh, and he's the christ. he's the christ. >> "zoolander 2". >> stephen: exactly. he heals people with the blue steel. >> yes, exactly. >> stephen: bring the leper boy here. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> wow. >> stephen: thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> wow. >> stephen: three, you going to go for three? >> let's do it. i thought you meant the third look? >> sure, i'll do that. ( cheers and applause ) >> are you going to go for three? because you have been-- you've got two trilogies. you've got "night at the museum"? and what's the other. the parents, previously, up until to now, the only other person gandler.
next time we did the next zoolander. >> stephen: everybody loves this film. there are so many camoze. there was a person you wanted but couldn't get. >> there were a couple. laura bush, we went for. >> stephen: first lady laura bush? >> former first lady laura bush. i met her at a football game about five years ago and she had said to me she was a fan of "zoolander" which i was surprise gld i was surprised as well. >> when we went to make the second one, i said, hey, there's this scene where owen wilson has a relationship with a group of people in movie. it's an orgy. >> stephen: you did not say orgy to the first lady. >> no, i didn't, i chickened out before i got to orgy, because i realized as i was pitching her that there's no way in hell she will do the movie. >> stephen: i have seen the movie. i know the scene you are talking about. >> wouldn't it have been great to have her pop up in there? ( laughter ) ( applause ) i think people would have been
she's a smart lady. she declined. >> stephen: she has secret service protection, right? >> yes, of course. they'd be in the scene, too. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's fantastic. >> and we also went for julian assange. >> stephen: really. >> yes. >> stephen: was that your idea or interpols? let's see if we ket kget him-- and he said no. >> he didn't feel it would help his extradition process, which i can understand. >> stephen: well, congratulations. >> thanks, man. >> stephen: and please don't wait another 15 years. >> it's nice to be here for the first time. >> stephen: it's nice to have you here. it's a, mr. to see you. >> i like this good thing you have going on here. >> stephen: i like it, too. i like it, too. >> it's a nice place. >> stephen: yeah, it is. >> all right, cool. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: we don't have to go. we can just hang. >> in late-night television you don't get enough uncomfortable
( applause ) dad, you can just drop me off right here. oh no, i'll take you up to the front of the school. that's where your friends are. seriously, it's, it's really fine. you don't want to be seen with your dad? no, it's..no.. this about a boy? dad! stop, please. oh, there's tracy. what! [ horn honking ] [ tires screech ] bye dad! it brakes when you don't. forward collision warning and autonomous emergency braking.
( cheers and applause ) all right, accept torsanders, first of all, congratulations on the new hampshire primary. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: you won by 22 points, as somebody said at the beginning of the show. but you also won some interesting categories. you won 86% of people 18-24. you know. you're like the-- it's like you're puppied monkeybaby. do you know what that reference is? do you know what that means? >> actually, not, no. >> stephen: no one-- listen, no one knows what it means. that's the secret. >> i feel better. >> stephen: it's complete nonsense. it's complete nonsense. why do you think the younglings like you? >> i think for two reasons. by definition, young people are idealistic, and they look at a world with so many problems and they say why not? why can't all people in this country have health care?
colleges and universities tuition free? why not. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, the answer is, the answer is that it's expensive. it's a very expensive thing to do. >> but the second part that i think young people are thinking about is how does it happen that with all of this technology and productivity in our economy, they are likely to have a lower standard of living than their parents, while almost all new income and wealth is going to the top 1%. they're not dumb and they are saying, "hey, we want a fair shake as well." i think those are a couple of reasons they're gravitating to our. >> stephen: that sounds like class warfare. if you say most is going to the top 1% and how do you achieve that fairness because the top 1% has a lot of influence with the government and they're not going to give it up. they will fight tooth and nail. and i'll tell you how i know-- i am in the top 1%. and as a matter of fact, the
my car. i'm way higher than that. those guys and girls are going to fight you very hard. why do you think you can make this change? >> i think because we have reached a point in american society where people are just very, very unhappy with the status quo. >> stephen: do you think that there's a similarity and appeal between and you donald trump? because i had bill o'reilly on here, on monday night. and he said you guys, the same thing with different haircuts. and the polls show that there are a lot of people in new hampshire who up to the last minute hadn't made up their mind between and you donald trump. >> let me say something about bill o'reilly. bill said-- and this is the reason why people might want to vote for me-- bill said that if i won the perez daens-- presidency, he would move to ireland. ( cheers and applause ) so electing me president is a two-fer. you get sanders and you get bill to go to ireland. >> stephen: but there are people who are trying to choose between you and trump. why would that be?
>> well, i think a lot of donald trump's supporters are angry. they are, in many cases, people who are working longer hours for low wages. they're people who are really worried about what's going to happen to their kids. but i think what they have done is responded to trump's false message which suggests that if we keep muslims out of this country or if we keep scapegoating latinos or mexicans that somehow our country becomes better. i think that's a false solution. and my view is that, yes, people have a right to be angry. you have a right to be angry when we are the only major country on earth that doesn't provide fade family and medical leave. when we have more people living in poverty today than almost any time in the history of this country. people have a right to be angry. but what we need to be is
address the problems and not simply scapegoating minorities. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, you say-- your opponent, your opponent, mrs. clinton, has said that you offer false solutions, things that will not be achieved. for instance, single-payer health care, universal health care. we have just gone through eight years of constant fighting over what was really not-- not making health care public. our health care is private. it was very good for private industry, obamacare. the insurance companies were all for it because everybody had to pay in. so it's not a socialized medicine. and still, people lost their mind. you want to actually introduce socialized medicine. >> no. >> stephen: they'll be voting to repeal this until the moon falls into the pacific. ( laughter ). >> okay, let me rephrase the question. and ask you this. >> stephen: hold on. okay, you may.
( laughter ) how does it happen that every other major country on earth, all of europe, our neighbors to the north, canada are, able to provide universal health care to every man, woman, and child in those countries. they're able to have prescription drugs cost substantially less than in the united states of america. and their total costs per capita are much, much less than in our country. >> stephen: well, my guest on monday bill o'reilly said because there are 17 people in denmark. and there are 300 million people here. he says it doesn't scale up for us. >> well, that's-- not to disagree with my good friend bill o'reilly, but he's, as usual, wrong. ( laughter ) ( applause ) look, you know, germany does it. the united kingdom does it. canada does it. countries all over the world do it. what the issue is, not what we should do.
should be a right. most people think it's absurd that the pharmaceutical industry continues to rip us off, and one out of five americans can't even afford the prescriptions their doctors write. that's not the debate. the question is do we have the ability to stand up to the private insurance companies and the drug companies? i believe that when people are aroused, when they're organized, when they're prepared to stand up and fight back, yes, we can take on the drug companies and the insurance companies. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we've got to take a break to sell some products for some enormous corporations, and then we'll be back with more
sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah? (sigh) you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alecbaldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi.baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making arun for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyers or something? (moaning)
everybody. we're here with senator bernie sanders. now, from here you go on to south carolina, right? >> year going to nevada, south carolina, and we have a debate tomorrow night in wisconsin. >> stephen: there's a lot of talk that mrs. clinton's firewall is south carolina because you're not polling as well down there. i'm, you know, i don't know how things are going to turn out, but i am from south carolina so i wanted to educate you a little bit on my home state.
there, you have to eat boiled peanuts. have you ever had a boiled peanut? okay. the recipe is very simple. >> delicious, beautiful, beautiful. >> stephen: you take a peanut and boil it in salt water, and then you eat it like that. and it's-- that's a boiled peanut. you have that with a nice beer. do you want a beer? all right. that is-- this is a little. ( cheers and applause ) you like them? >> yeah. >> stephen: they're damp, report they? >> and this wins me south carolina. >> yes, it does. if you like boiled peanuts it will summer give you a leg up in south carolina. people up here, when i offer them this food they say, "oh, here comes colbert with more of his damp food." ( laughter ) you travel coach yourself, and you always travel in the middle seat. why is that? is that penance for something? ( laughter ) why travel in the middle seat, sir? >> because we cooperate get the
that's why. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: do you think-- do you think america itself is in the middle seat right now, metaphorically speaking? >> metaphorically speaking, people are being squeezed no question about it. and i think what the campaign is about is talking about why we have so much inequality, why we are not making public colleges and universities tuition free when it is clear to all of us we need the best-educated workforce in the world. why are we allowing our infrastructure to continue to disintegrate in front of us when we can create millions of decent-paying jobs rebuilding our roads and our bridges? why do we have more people in jail than any other country on earth, disproportionately black and latino? why is it that we have a system
system is now corrupt, where billionaires are literally buying elections? why do we allow that to happen? >> stephen: so that's a lot of questions. is there an over-arching reason? >> yes, there is. >> stephen: do you see an answer at the heart of all this? >> there really is. and the answer is that our campaign finance system, our election system, and our economy is essentially owned and controlled by a relatively small number of people whose greed, in my view, is really wreaking havoc with the middle class of this country. ( applause ) and i think-- and i know, you know, that is a position that not a lot of people are comfortable with. but at the end of the day, if you're talking about a small number of people making huge campaign contributions to elect people who represent their interests, if you are talking about massive levels of income and wealth inequality in our economy, what you're really
drifting into an algarkic form of society rather than being the kind of vibrant democracy and strong middle class that we should be. ( applause ). >> stephen: so let's imagine that answer is correct. let's imagine the answer is correct. how do you breakab oligarchy? >> the only way that i know how to do it is the way change has always come about, stephen, in this country and the world. we used to have a seg gailted society. african americans couldn't go to schools, couldn't drink at water fountains. millions of people stood together and said, "hey, enough is enough. that is not what america is supposed to be about." >> stephen: are you ever afraid it will end up in violence? >> no, we're not talking about vice presidency at all. >> stephen: i know you're not talking about violence, but those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable is what john kennedy said. and if your answer is not the answer, is violent revolution inevitable? >> well, i wouldn't eye certainly hope not, but i hope-- and what the goal of this campaign is about is to look at
at the women's movement, look at the gay movement, understand that when we'll come together we can accomplish enormous things. but i think what people are saying enough is enough. we need fundamental changes in our political system and our economic system. ( applause ). >> stephen: well, senator, good luck. cheers. bernie sanders, everybody. he's running for president. we'll be right back. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small.
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