tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 11, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
me stephen. and i hope you're all sitting down because j.k. rowling has announced that there will be a new harry potter book... ish. it's not a book. it's the script of the upcoming play, "harry potter and the cursed child." and i know what you're thinking, but it's not about harry's the play actually takes place 19 years after the last book, and features a thirty-something harry balancing his job at the ministry of magic with being a father. that just sounds depressing. i love we'll get something else about that whole world, but harry potter's life peaked when he was 17. captain of the quidditch team, big "chosen one" on campus. now he's just some ... guy! who are his enemies even going to be? phil from accounting?
looks at travel posters? potter and the sorcerer's prostate." so, please, spare us. and this goes for all beloved childhood stories. i can't take reading about a grown-up holden caulfield assistant-managing a costco. i don't want to read about the narnia kids' unfulfilling "i used to be a king, brenda! and no one, wants to see "are you there, god? it's me, margaret" go through menopause. but one thing i do want you to imagine is tonight's show because we've got a hot one. (cheers and applause) that transition was almost too smooth. (laughter) first, i'll be talking with emmy-award winning actor kelsey grammer.
"finding neverland " as captain the only way to stop him? doorknobs. (laughter) >> he can't get to the door! it. >> stephen: also crocodiles. then, from "portlandia," i'll be talking to fred armisen. (cheers and applause) little known fact: the script of every episode of "portlandia" is hand-scrimshawed onto a vintage bowling pin. then i'll be talking to the cover model for the first issue of playboy magazine without nudity, sarah mcdaniel. (cheers and applause) tonight, i'll follow her lead and do the whole show with my pants on. and we'll hear music from ty segall and the muggers. (cheers and applause) that right there is the sultry sound of jon batiste and stay
greet them! (cheers and applause) they're about to kick out the jams, but before they do, one more thing: a report by the guardian found that removing the facebook app from your iphone can save up to 15% of battery life. and removing yourself from facebook can save up to 100% of your actual life. >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes kelsey grammer! fred armisen! "playboy" cover girl sarah mcdaniel!
tysegall and the muggers! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) back at cha! thanks, everybody! can we show the dome to everybody at home? we've got little hearts on the dome tonight. isn't that beautiful? that is just a little friendly reminder to everybody out there who may not have marked it on your calendar that sunday is valentine's day. sometimes you forget, but it's a big day, no matter what your
married, just started dating, spinster who gazes out longingly from the top of her lighthouse. i don't always know what to do on valentine's day, because i'm happily married. and this year, my wife and i are actually spending the day apart. i didn't know what to get her, she's with her family, i'm going to be with my boys skiing in vermont. i didn't know what to get her, so i got her a mention at the top of my show. happy valentine's, honey. and, in return, my wife has given me something to talk about for the last minute. the nice thing is that i think keeping it low key as a married couple is kind of cool. you know, we don't need a big thing on valentine's day. the ring and the wedding were the ultimate valentine. we don't have anything to prove.
right? >> yeah. >> stephen: if you get a really great valentine from somebody you're married to, it's like, what's wrong? (laughter) it's like how my producer paul dinello and i have known each other twenty years, so we don't shake hands. we've known each other 28 years. i was testing you. other. we don't shake hands, right, paul? >> never. >> stephen: it was your idea. tell the people why? >> it's too formal. it would be weird, like me exchanging business cards with my mom. >> stephen: like inviting your mom to join you on linkedin. >> i want to network with you, mom!
on valentine's day? >> mostly traveling. we're going to do to disney. >> stephen: you're taking the trucksster down to wally world? >> i am. >> stephen: are you going to be getting anything for your wife? >> no, i -- >> stephen: you're recently married. i have been married almost 25 years. how long have you been married? >> four years. >> stephen: two children, nice grouping. you definitely should get your wife something or you're in trouble. >> yeah, but i don't have enough time. >> stephen: why don't you have enough time? >> i mean, because i'm -- um -- here. >> stephen: just run to the drugstore and buy the first two things you see that could be considered gifts. >> like a box of chocolates and a jug of tide? >> stephen: she'll love it.
valentine's day card. it seals the deal. >> senator. >> stephen: yeah. in fact, the reason paul is out here, do you have the card? >> yes. >> stephen: there are so many great valentines cards out there. but they didn't start out that way, as we'll learn in my new segment: "first drafts!" >> no, no! stupid! stupid! >> stephen: as always, first drafts is brought to you by the good folks at wite out. "wite out: does that stuff even exist anymore?" paul, do you have the cards? >> here you go. >> stephen: okay, let's take a look at the first drafts of some of america's top valentines. this card has a butterfly and says "you make my heart flutter." very sweet, but the first draft said:
change into something prettier." (laughter) it's honest. >> it's honest. >> stephen: so i like this one. this one has a picture of a little owl with the caption: "you're a hoot." >> yeah. sweet, for a funny girl. >> stephen: but the first draft said -- "you're an owl." not positive or negative, it is just what it is. >> you're not going to get her anything? >> well now i have to! >> stephen: folks if you're a "star wars" fan, here's one with r2-d2 and c-3po that says "you r2 good to me." but the first draft said: "will you c-3p-go out with me even though i live in my parents' basement and cosplay as
i have a question about both of these cards, actually. this implies that cp3o and cosplay are romantic. >> they do hang out with each other. >> stephen: r2d2 looks like a marital aid. (laughter) here's one with sheep that reads. "i love ewe". but it the first draft actually. said: "i want to make a sweater out of your body hair." (laughter) i like this. >> this would be so much more difficult.
junky if they were there. everyone would go, what's in the pile? okay. this one's cute. it has a little slice of pizza and says: "you stole a pizza my heart." the first draft said, "i'm mozza-really pepper-lonely!" kind of sad, actually. and finally, here's one with a train that says "all aboard my heart." all right? but the first draft said: "i'm steamin' toward your tunnel. how do you feel about caboose play?" (laughter) (cheers and applause) well, happy valentine's day,
there, "finding neverland." you play hook himself, another high-status character. >> recognizable. >> stephen: but also he's the captain. >> he is the captain. in this case, he's actually the alter ego of james barry who's having writer's block and he says you can either fight and write the story you want to write or you can just disappear. so he's really sort of the artist's consciousness in this play. >> stephen: you think actors themselves are a peter pan in a way? >> oh, yeah, sure. >> stephen: performers don't want to grow up. >> i don't think you should grow up. as an actor, you have to have a child, like, way of going about the work. it has to be on an innocent level to do it well. >> stephen: how long will you be playing captain hook? >> i'm finished sunday and come back mid march two more weeks. >> stephen: have you always been a singer?
school and said i want all the boys in the class to come out for choir. all the boys said no way, and we did it anyway. my junior year, i finally did a play. and i thought, oh, i can -- >> stephen: do you remember what your first play was? >> yeah, "little foxes." >> stephen: were you bit right away. >> yeah. >> stephen: "my sister eileen" is what we did first. >> how did you do the jon stewart show? >> stephen: i worked for "the daily show" before. i didn't have a job. my agent said would you like to be on that show? i said, not particularly. i said, i have two kids. i went over and turned out, i loved it. did you ever take a job and think, i'm not going to like this? >> waiting tables. >> stephen: did you wait tables for a long time?
6th avenue for a long time. >> stephen: could you get into that and handle it? >> i was good at it. i could work three days a week and make more money than i could when i was about 45. >> stephen: as a young starting actor, i would -- if they hadn't touched, like, one of the filets -- >> oh, no, you eat. >> stephen: you definitely eat >> yeah. >> stephen: you eat the bread -- >> if there's a bed or a park, you take the bed. if it's a nice steak and they didn't eat all of it -- >> stephen: probably weren't supposed to, right? but the management is allowed to do that. >> yeah. >> stephen: we would hide it from our management. >> my first job when i was a kid was a dishwasher at dennys. i lied about my age, i admit it. i was 14 and was supposed to be 15 to get a special permit to work. >> stephen: denny's is very, very strict. (laughter)
working the graveyard shift 11:00 to 8:00 in morning. they told me i could eat all the hot fudge sundays i wanted. so, great, it's, like, my favorite food. this manager comes to me, i'm booking it maybe a month and a half and he says, we're missing filets. i said, you think i'm taking the filets? i got indignant for a 14-year-old. he said, did you take them? i said, no, i'm eating the hot fudge sundays. i love those. he looked at me and said, how old are you? i said, all right, i'm 14. i lied about my age! he said, i've got to let you go. >> stephen: i love the idea of kelsey grammer just hawking down hot fudge because i think of you as a very rareyfied pallet.
you enjoy? what do you snack on? >> well, it's a little odd. bit. my favorite snack is caviar. (applause) >> stephen: you realize there is a caricature of yourself right now (laughter) half a potato. >> unsalted potato chips, a squeeze of lemon, that's it. the poor man's version. >> stephen: you're just joe et cetera. >> i am. >> stephen: you have the courage of your convictions. you're conservative in hollywood and on broadway. some conservatives say, oh, i've got a cold shoulder. is it a real thing?
what you do, that's not going to exist. i've had pretty reasonable success with my career. i think there is a predilection towards, you know, dismissing someone who doesn't think the way you do. that's common ground, i guess, for a lot of people. but, no, i haven't been shunned in any way. especially on broadway. and the broadway community really kind of seems past all that. tolerance does exist on broadway. >> stephen: is there anybody in the republican race you like? and i'll tell you if they've dropped out. >> i honestly like ben carson. >> stephen: you like him? yeah. >> stephen: don't hold your breath. >> he's the only guy who isn't really part of the deal. >> stephen: would you vote for bernie? >> probably not. i might sit that one out. >> stephen: have you thought of getting in there yourself?
>> stephen: a thoughtful person would be very welcomed. >> it's something i've toyed with in the past. i think you have to either be an actor or a politician and somewhere in the middle doesn't work. >> reagan made the turn. he did make the turn, though, that's the thing. >> stephen: yeah. he actually head of the sag union for eight years and then became governor and then president. so his commitment to politics was pretty much written in stone by then. >> stephen: kelsey, thanks so much for being here. >> you bet, man. >> stephen: nice meeting you. pleasure. >> stephen: "finding neverland" the sical is on broadway now at the lunt-fontanne theater. kelsey grammer everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap.while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain?
>> stephen: welcome back. comedian and actor who stars in "portlandia". >> you're so beautiful. i am so beautiful. now tell the world. stop thinking. just paint. get the grapes. get the grapes. >> okay. painting grapes. >> you're an artist! look at the canvas! now look at me! both at the same time! get the grapes! question with yourself, fight with yourself. look at it, you're michelangelo. >> i'm painting, painting. don't forget the grapes! >> stephen: please welcome fred
(cheers and applause) >> you have a great singing voice. >> thanks very much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i know you're a drummer. do you sing? >> i don't think i'm really much of a singer. i like to sing but i'm mostly a drummer. >> stephen: you have a punk band. there you are. is this you in high school? >> yeah, i was a teenager. that was a clash shirt i was wearing and i was in a punk band called the k.g.b. >> stephen: what year are we talking? >> '84. >> stephen: that's perfect for '84. >> yeah. >> stephen: how did you make the transition to comedy. >> i made a video in 1998 after south by southwest, i played a german guy and deaf person and
more people came out for that than they ever did my band. so it was a very quick -- it was very evident to me that that's what i should be doing. >> stephen: i have an odd question for you. >> yes. >> stephen: i had a desktop picture on my computer for many years is this right here. and that's me and my daughter and two sons skating at the ice rink blind the rose planetarium here in new york. there is a guy here. for years i've always imagined that that's you because if you blow up and go in really close -- is that you? dwroid ever go skating there? >> i just like to watch over you guys to make sure you're playing it safe. i don't want you to fall when you skate. >> stephen: literally, this was on my desk.
that's the way my legs are. i am a little pigeon-toed. it's similar. look at that. >> wow. maybe it was me. i might have been staring at you for years. >> stephen: that's my old apartment, too. >> this whole thing? very nice. >> stephen: do people in portland like "portlandia"? do they ever get offended at your portrayal of life in portland. >> i don't think many people have cable or tv. so much i get, well, i don't have a television. (laughter) but they're really nice there. they're so nice. >> stephen: do you actually like it there. >> i love it there. >> stephen: what's your favorite thing about it? >> i like it that it's cloudy. there are so many bikes you feel like you're in a little european town. i like wearing a jacket. just something about it. you know that feeling?
>> stephen: like a north face sort of thing? >> like an in between, like a fall jacket. you know what i mean? >> stephen: is it always fall there in portland? >> it's always kind of -- well, feeling. maybe i'm alone in feeling this, but when you put on a jacket and you feel like this... chicago's not like that. chicago's more like this. this is more like -- >> stephen: chicago is, like, please let me make it to the corner. please, jesus, i'll not do that thing i do anymore if you just please let me get to the corner. >> were you there in '96? >> stephen: yes. the winter was so incredible. i've always thought chicago was founded by lasalle or whoever
late april and said, this is lovely, burn the wagons. and october 4th, they're, like, where are the wagons? we're so screwed. >> it's intense. >> stephen: fred, i need your help. can you stick around? >> yes. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more fred armisen. (cheers and applause)) i'll never remember all the projects, presentations, or meetings i gave up my nights for. (music's drums intensify) but days like this, i'll never forget. get out there, in the 2016 ford escape. be unstoppable. this is my fight song take back my life song (music) 53 state wins, and t-mobile... whoa, whoa, whoa. listen, folks. i have to apologize, again.
t-mobile doubled there lte coverage in the last year. and with more lte towers than verizon, t-mobile reaches pretty much everyone they do. i'm not taking responsibility on this one... uh-uh, verizon got it wrong... yes! not me! join the millions that switched. sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah? (sigh) you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alecbaldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi.baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making arun for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyers or something? (moaning) ...alec? aflac.
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with fred armisen. fred, thanks so much. i'm glad you're here because i need your help with something. last december, as we do every year, we did our "late show" gift guide, and we recommended some very useful, very highly-specific stuff for people to buy if they hadn't gotten a gift idea for their loved ones. here's a little taste. >> okay. make your old man's day special by fog hat. they created a boogie rock master piece and rock and roll outlaws available on c.d. and l.p., a holiday must have. the little ones are clamoring for the newest toy so why not give a gift that will endure, fog hats fool for the city? >> stephen: you might have noticed there was a theme to some of those gifts. >> awesome gifts? >> stephen: that's true, but
this was a true story, roger earl of fog hat, the founder of the boogie rock sound, saw that while he was in the hospital and sent us this photo. that's him in the hospital, apparently getting a double hand replacement. does that happen a lot with drummers? >> all the time. >> stephen: all the time. you're on your third or fourth set of hands at this point. >> yes. >> stephen: he was so touched, he actually sent us gifts from fog hat. it's absolutely true. we've got drumsticks, you might like that. we've got great fog hat t-shirts. we've got fog hat c.d.s and great hats right re. (laughter) most exciting of all, and again
roll, please -- he nt us bottles of official fog hat wine from fog hat cellulars. jason, please! ladies and gentlemen... this is jason here one of our editors but also has good wine. according to the letter that they sent along, phot hat roger earl has been in the wine business almlmt a decade. would you like to help me review these actual fine wines? >> does fog hat have eight gold records? but... let's review the wines from fog hat cellulars! all right! let's start with the fog hat cellulars 2012 cabernet sauvignon.
take it easy slow ride letet take it easy >> stephen: okay. it's got a velvety texture. i've got a good nose and i detect notes of spiced vanilla. >> kind of like a guitar solo, complex but well-balanced. i think i would pair it with a foot-long chili dog. >> stephen: good choice. this is the best cabernet sowfennion produced by fog hat i've ever tasted. moving along. what's up next, jason? >> this is fog hat cellulars
>> this one, i think this one unfolds nicely on thee pallet. you u n taste the history from the drumstick roger earl used to stir the mash to fermentation. >> i'd say this is the perfect wine to slug from the bottle after screening "thank you cleveland." (laughter) >> this is definitely the pest best i've everr tasted produced by fog hat. >> stephen: thank you, fred! thank you fog hat! "portlandia" airs thursdays at
straigig talk's bring your own phone plan saves me a lot of money. to prove it, i switched from an expensive contract plan by popping a sim card into my phone. now it's a straight talk phone. and i get to keep my same number and network for half the cost. that's money we can put toward your college fund. oh, i'm not going to college. i want to be...a magician. invisibility, now! i can still see you... your phone, your network, half the cost. unlimited talk, text, and data is just $45 a month. find out more at straighttalkbyop.com. discover card. hey, i heard you guys can help me with frog protection? sure, we help with fraud protection. if there are unauthorized purchases on your discover card, you're never held responsible. you are saying "frog protection"? fraud. frog. fraud! i think we're on the same page. at discover, we treat you like you'd treat you. fraud protection.
for the first-ever non-nude issue of "playboy." please welcome sarah mcdaniel! >> stephen: congratulations. thank you! >> stephen: now, let me tell the people what we're talking about. it was announced earlier this year that "playboy," which has always had naked women in it -- >> yes. >> stephen: will no longer have nakedwomen. >> yes, big stuff. >> stephen: it is pretty big stuff in that they're showing us less than they used to, they're leaving us wanting more and you are the first thing they're leaving us wanting. this is a shot here, you on the cover of new "playboy." it's very simple, "playboy" and
"heyyyy." >> yes. >> stephen: you have hundreds of thousands of followerss on instagram and that's how this game to you? >> yes. well i i knew a photographer before and he kind of pushed me into that. >> stephen: how did that happen? this is "playboy" calling -- is your family thrilled by this? >> my dad was the first one to say youbetter do this because it's historical, i mean, they're cay changing everything and i think it's going to be something to remember whether they become successful. >> stephen: starting tomorrow, tomorrow this will hit the stands. >> yes. >> stephen: used to be in a plastic wrapper, couldn't sell it at wal-mart and this is the last issue and she's wearing a choker that saysysex and nakeke inside. this is very demure by comparison. now people actually can read it
>> yeah, anybody can read it, i think. >> stephen: you have something g a conditionwhere you have one blue eye and one green. >> yes. >> stephen: brilliantly blue and one is hazel. >> yes. >> stephen: when you were a little girl, did you like it or did you want to be like everybody else? >> i didn't like it at all. sometimes it's very annoying. i get asked is it fake. >> stephen: that's what i just asked you. >> yeah, everyone notices it. i wish they would pay attention to other things about me rather than that just one thing. >> stephen: well, there are other things i could pay attention to... (laughter) (cheers and applause) but valentines is on sunday. (laughter) is there a seseet to a greaea selflf? >> i think there is.
>> stephen: yeah, yeah, please. >> i'll show you right now. >> stephen: all right. i got one right here. >> you've got one, too. >> stephen: yes. break it out. >> stephen: you will do one, too. >> at the same time. >> stephen: they're selfieie they're not -- can i get you some duct tape? (cheers and applause) or a -- or a pancho? (laughter) are you cold? no, just want to make sure. i would be cold if i was wearing that right now. okay. so here we go. show me how you do your thing. let me get in there, right?
at's my your angle? this is the side. >> are you sure? (applause) >> are you ready? >> stephen: sure, susu. that's beautiful. >> stephen: going on your instagram account? >> i don't know. >> stephen: slap it up there right now. do it. >> is that a threat? >> stephen: no, it's nono a threat. >> i'll print it out. >> stephen: no, don't have to. don't do me any favors. (laughter) well, congratulations. >> you, too. >> stephen: the new "playboy"
sarah mcdaniel, everyone. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) can't get unlimited data for your family? other carriers either don't offer it, or it's to not t-mobile! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! hurry. only at t-mobile. what's the most awarded car company of the year? ranking from top to bottom. luxury cars just s sm like they wouldlde top awarded there better be some awards behind what you are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. the most awarded car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. i mean it's like, this is chevy? current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this chevy cruze limited for around $179 per month. find n n roads at yououlocal chevy dealer. i've smoked a lot and quit a lot, but ended up nowhere. now i use this. the nicoderm cq patch,
release technology, helps prevent the urge to smoke all day. i want this time to be my last time. that's why i choose nicoderm cq. hello my love! the flame is out... h...today the flame e out, totorrow my attitude... your mother... antonio. antonio. que? the stove. it's not working. campbell's microwaveable soups. made for real, real life. oh hello, deadpool here. (swish) i always wanted to be a professional athlete. (music) (crunch) cause i wanted to have children in cities all over the world. (music) (explosion) (music) deadpool: incoming! (motor revvivi) (music) (crunch)
late show." tune in monday when my guests will be craig ferguson, senator cory booker, and world darts champion, scott waites. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right it's the late, late show >> ladies s d gentlemen, all the way from wilsonncreek, north dakota, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden! (cheers and applause).