tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 18, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
>> jon: stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! whoo! hey! welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) hello, everybody! (audience chanting stephen) down here, up there, up there, right there, out there! thanks so much, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. shocking news tonight going to get the big celebrity feud everyone is talking about: donald trump versus the pope.
happened. the pope is in mexico right now, where he was asked about donald trump's plan to build a border wall. and his holiness said, quote: "a person who thinks only about building walls wherever they may be and not of building bridges is not christian. this man is not christian if he has said things like that." (cheers and applause) then trump's okay because he has not said things like that. he has said exactly that. (laughter) okay. because trump wants to build a wall around this country. i wonder where he could have gotten a crazy idea like that. maybe the vatican?! (laughter) (applause) boom! >> places (applause) i am in trouble. (laughter) of course, donald trump responded immediately.
the pope a tremendous amount of stuff about "trump is not a good person." and the pope just-- can you i just got a call, as i'm walking up here. made a statement about you." what did the pope say?" i like the pope. i mean, was it good or bad? because if it's good, i like the pope. if it's bad, i don't like the pope. >> stephen: you've got to respect his honesty. it is like jesus said, "blessed are the poor, unless they said something bad about me, then screw 'em." (laughter) (cheers and applause) i want to try to broker a peace. mr. trump, mr. pope, is it possible that you guys are fighting because you have so much in common? after all, you both think you're
you both sit on golden thrones and you both wear very silly things on your heads. (laughter) (applause) of course, trump had to have the last word. >> so i wrote this out very quickly about the pope. do you want to hear it? >> stephen: not really. because we have got a great show for you tonight. (cheers and applause) first, i'll be talking to the star of "madam secretary," teea leoni. (cheers and applause) yeah. then i'll sit down with the lovely amanda peet. (cheers and applause) then i'll be talking to my old friend triumph insult comic dog. (cheers and applause) ( band playing )
experience. they are about to kick this off, but before they do, one more thing: a new study found that saying you have minority friends will make you appear less racist. at least that is what my buddy jose said. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes teea leoni! from hbo's togetherness, amanda peet! triumph the insult comic dog! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! thanks, everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! well, i'm so glad you guys are here. ere is nothing more important to me than being honest with my audience. i learned my lesson the night i tried to pass off a mop with sunglasses as leonardo dicaprio. though it worked out for the mop -- i hear he is dating kate upton. so i want to be up front with you and admit that, occasionally, we get paid to feature a sponsor's product on the show. but i have the same high standards for product placement as i do for appearing nude on camera -- it has to be integral to the plot, or i have no choice. and tonight one of those things is true. but i think we have managed to make it so organic, you might
on a completely unrelated note, i am feeling a little thirsty right now. you know what would really hit the spot? my favorite beverage... the 2016 mini clubman! taste the steering wheel! with six doors and a massive trunk, the clubman is the biggest mini ever. in its surprisingly spacious interior we can fit: civil war re-enactors from opposing sides. that is two confederate soldiers in the front, because they started it, and three union soldiers in the back. they're five brothers from the same family, which is extra tragic. but there is a happy ending, because there is so much room in the clubman, they do not need to fight. because as lincoln never said, "a mini clubman divided against itself cannot stand, but they do not have to stand with all that space to sit." war is hell, but this car is heaven. that was tonight's commercial
(cheers and applause) but there are just so many stories out there, i can't possibly talk about them all. luckily, i don't have to decide any more because i'm relinquishing editorial control in my new segment: ( audience ) wheel! of! news! >> stephen: here's how this works. we've installed a giant spinning wheel on the ceiling of the ed sullivan theater with categories -- (cheers and applause) -- with categories like "entertainment," "politics, "sports," and "guacamole." (laughter) though if it lands on guacamole, that is fifty cents extra. when i pull this lever, the
whatever category it lands on. here's the thing. i didn't give the guys enough time to finish the dome. totally my fault. so here is what we're going to do. so this guy holding the pole right here -- (cheers and applause) this is brendan hurley. say hi to brendan, everybody! (cheering) brendan is asleep under my desk, ifthe bernie sanders thing the other night, he was under the desk feeding me sandwiches on plates. brendan is also a scenic on the show, and since we can't get the going to help me with the model we based the dome on, this spinning wheel.
was based on to do this tonight i'm going to spin the wheel and thing. you guys ready to play? (cheering) show business! (laughter) you have to make the clicky sound. >> okay. tick... tick. >> stephen: keep ticking. tick tick tick tick tick... tick list... >> stephen: okay. it landed on "cheese news." >> ding, ding, ding, ding! >> stephen: the latest hard or even semisoft news about kurdleed dairy. this week, a shocking discovery from the parmesan wars, because the u.s.d.a. revealed that some cheese suppliers of grated
wood pulp. (audience reacts) is thatthat's right. that's what i said. your parmesan is sporting wood. now they explain this wood pulp is just cellulose which is used as an anti-clumping agent. and sure, "a little anti-clumping agent never hurt anyone." but sometimes it is a lot of it. a sample of parmesan from one grocery chain was 8.8% wood pulp. but on the plus side, your lasagna is as sturdy as an ikea bookshelf. now personally, i am outraged by this breach of trust. i don't check on what goes into my mouth, but i have always assumed someone does. now! more news! more news! okay. hold on. hold on. you spin it.
the lever? give me your other hand. ready in okay! >> tick, tick, tick, tick! >> stephen: oh, oh, oh! oh, looks like it might be mini clubman integration. no, it lands on "mental health." >> ding, ding, ding, ding! (laughter) >> stephen: okay. great, this is a topic that is not covered enough in the media, and it is important to take a moment to shine a light on it. a beautiful light like... the interior ambient lighting molded into the 2016 mini clubman doors! (cheers and applause) and that's it for "mental health." let's spin again! >> tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick! (cheers and applause) >> tick... tick... tick...
recent study, people who are significantly overweight may perceive distances as being greater than they actually are. which explains the old joke "yo mamma is so fat, her depth perception is wildly inaccurate." (laughter) let's spin again! (cheers and applause) >> tick, tick, tick... >> stephen: click without context! jim! (barking) let's spin again! i will love you forever for being with me at this moment. "switchblade laws!" like most knife news, this one comes from wisconsin. >> governor scott walker put pen to paper today to sign new legislation lifting the ban on concealed switchblades. the governor says it's a measure protecting freedom supported by
in effect since the 1950s. >> stephen: that's right. scott walker has lifted wisconsin's 60-year-old ban on concealed switchblades. i applaud the governor; switchblades are the important issue of016. because let's say you are just cruising down to the malt shop with your best gal, only to run into some toughs who want to race you for the pinks to your t-bird. you have got a constitutional right to take out your blade and slice that letter right off his varsity jacket. remember, rumbles can happen anytime, anywhere -- sock hops, five-and-dimes, the old aqueduct, jimmy's garage where they let you smoke after school. without your blade, you could end up deadsville, daddy-o. keep in mind, if you are new to it, it is important to toss it from hand to hand. hand you are coming at them with.
(cheers and applause) >> tick, tick, tick. tick, tick, tick. >> stephen: i want to warn our affiliates, we might be going long. >> tick, tick, tick, tick. >> stephen: national monuments! >> national monuments? tick, tick, ding! (laughter) >> stephen: the national park service says a philanthropist is donating $18.5 million to help restore the lincoln memorial. hopefully, that is enough to make lincoln stand up and talk -- like he does at disney world. personally, i think the money would be better spent on the washington monument. that thing looks nothing like him. there you go. (applause) (cheers and applause) let's pretend i spun it! >> tick, tick, tick! >> stephen: five second
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: more news! "a recent study!" again. a recent study says humans and neanderthals interbred 50,000 years earlier than previously thought, proving something else is 50,000 years older than we thought: beer goggles. (laughter) want to try? we're going for entertainment. >> tick, tick, tick, tick, tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick, tick... >> stephen: i've gone around all the way once. i don't think it's on here! >> ding!
(cheers and applause) the oscar producers are now promising that this telecast will be "the most diverse ever." that's right, people of every race, color, and creed will be on hand to give a trophy to whatever white person wins. (laughter) >> stephen: well, that's it, folks! let's give it one more spin! it better be on here! i don't know! (cheers and applause) there it is! ready? oh! commercial break! perfect! we'll be right back with teea
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please welcome, teea leoni! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: lovely to have you on! lovely to have you here. >> thank you! >> stephen: that's some lovely bling you've got there. >> thank you. it's all real. >> stephen: i thought it was a dollar bill. i couldn't quite tell what that symbol was there. secretary." >> thank you. >> stephen: no secret to owe, when a lot of people see this, they think she's playing hillary clinton. >> yes. >> stephen: secretary of >> blonde. >> stephen: powerful. blonde. >> stephen: yes. people think that. >> they do, but i promise you, i -- i didn't have hillary in mind. >> stephen: really? mind.
we had her on a couple of months ago and this is what she said. roll the clip. >> stephen: what do you binge like? >> do i like "madam secretary." >> stephen: you do. i do. >> stephen: don't just say that because it's a cbs show. >> no, because i watch "madam secretary" and i watch "good wife." >> i would be lying if i said i didn't play that clip over and over again. >> stephen: have you learned anything about the state department playing this role? >> glee because people don't think about the state department a lot. it's part of the government we forget about. >> i think that's true and actually i think maybe the greatest compliment i got was from madeleine albright former secretary of state which said thank you for making foreign policy less foreign. >> stephen: wow. i took it -- (cheers and applause) and i think that's somewhat true. >> stephen: she consults on the show, right?
and we got some stories out of her that were pretty great. >> stephen: does she think what you're doing is accurate? >> well, sometimes she gets a little mad at me. >> stephen: for what? just for, you know, not doing it right. (laughter) >> stephen: what are you doing wrong? that's not how i would ask for a drone strike! (laughter) what are you doing wrong? >> oh, gosh, i don't know. she's very picky, you know. she was secretary of state. she knows the gig and -- >> stephen: you don't get that gig without -- >> -- and she'll say, no, that would never happen. >> stephen: what have you done that would never happen? >> oh, i have been blown up, already, season one. >> stephen: well, you look fabulous! >> thank you. >> stephen: you're also a mother. >> yes. >> stephen: would you rather negotiate as secretary of state
because they can be like terrorists. (laughter) >> yes, it's true. i think i could negotiate with putin because i have teenagers. (applause) >> stephen: they're relentless. >> yes. i have a 13-year-old boy. putin's a breeze. >> stephen: exactly. yeah. >> stephen: i understand that your son sort of convinced you to take this gig. he said, mom, you've got to go get out of the house or what was it? (laughter) >> i hadn't worked in a few years and he said, you know, i've got this -- he's 12 at the time -- >> stephen: i'd like you to leave. >> yes. >> stephen: in essence, it was, listen, go back, get out there, you know? >> stephen: i want this for you, mom! >> yes! and i took that as i thought that was a very beautiful moment between us and i said, okay,
you know, and i did. i returned. you know, you have your ups and your downs. it's hard. you work these kind of hours and -- actually, i thought it was going very well, i will tell you this, until halloween, and my son, i said, so, baby, what are you going to be for halloween? he's not too old. he said, i'm going to be an old-fashioned lobster. (laughter) and the first thought, i thought, that's creative, that's good. i thought, oh, my god, i'm not there! he's smoking dope! (laughter) , like, this is a disaster! and this rage of guilt, like, i'm always working and clearly it's probably coke! (laughter) and i'm thinking and then i'm running and driving home and running it through my mind -- an old fashioned lobster, there will be the oven mits, that part's obvious. what's the rest of this thing going to be?
old fashioned mobster! (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: did you tell him you thought lobber? >> no. >> stephen: no? don't ever tell him you thought lobster. >> i won't and he's not watching because he's not impressed. >> stephen: good. he's going to go, is she smoking dope? (laughter) stick around, i'd love to talk to you a little bit more. we'll be right back with more
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>> stephen: what? i'm turning 59. >> stephen: you're turning 59 years old? wow! wow! well, i mean, still congratulations, but -- i mean you look great for any age, but amazing! (laughter) >> here's the thing... i've figured out that women lie about their age. you should not lie about your age. but they lie the wrong way! (laughter) >> stephen: are you not going to turn 59? >> no. >> stephen: you're actually turning 50? >> maybe. my point is -- >> stephen: so the point is -- if you lie like women going the wrong way -- >> stephen: so, say i'm turning 40. >> well, if you're turning 40, you look like crap. (laughter) >> stephen: yes. and if i say, i'm turning 59,
you look pretty good for 59! >> stephen: well you look pretty good for any age! (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: did i understand your plan was not to be an actress that this was sort of a happy accident, that you were going to be an anthropologist? >> yes. >> stephen: there is a lot of different anthropology. were you going to study native peoples? >> yes! >> stephen: really? and i was very, very good at it. >> stephen: you were good at anthropology? >> i was good at it. >> stephen: oh, man, i have the anthropology game down! i can deal! do you want to anthropolojize? >> let's do it. >> stephen: i totally get your tribal crap! >> you are so wrong! >> stephen: what kind of anthropology? >> well, yes, that sort of classic anthropology. i was doing it in college, i was very good at it. >> stephen: so why didn't you
>> i was going to go for it and then my dad said to me, before you become an anthropologist, you should go to a cocktail party with a bunch of anthropologists. (laughter) >> stephen: what does that mean? >> that was my first thought. then it hit me and i thought, oh! you know, academics -- no offense -- but it was sort of -- i wasn't really cut out -- >> stephen: so you went to a cocktail party? how did you find one? (laughter) there is no craigslisting for anthropologists. so you hunted down these people -- >> no, i got it. i knew what he meant. i was mad because i thought i found it. >> stephen: so your fall-back position was actress? that was the safe choice? >> no, that was just a little trick i played on my dad. but i think the advice that he gave me, he said, don't do something because you're good at it. do it because you're passionate
at it. and that was really smart. that was great advice. (cheers and applause) so i don't know, i mean, i still to this day -- >> stephen: yep. i didn't think i would make a better anthropologist than an actor. >> stephen: yeah? give me a favorite not your culture that you grew up in that interests you. >> the tiwi indians of new guinea. >> stephen: i knew immediately, yeah, yeah. (laughter) you would have been an extremely sexy anthropologist. >> wow! >> stephen: you really would have. >> thank you. >> stephen: you could have played yourself later. (laughter) teea, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: been a pleasure. thank you guys. >> stephen: "madam secretary" airs sundays at 8:00, 7:00 central on cbs.
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oh, god. (screaming) >> stephen: please welcome amanda peet! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what an amazingly beautiful dress. >> thank you. >> stephen: it looks like it's stitched together with flowers. it's amazing. >> it's like a big quilt. a big doily. >> stephen: it's lovely. yeah, i should just stop talking. >> stephen: no, you have to keep talking for the next seven minutes. >> right. >> stephen: i'm a huge fan of yours and i really love the show. >> i'm a huge fan of yours. >> stephen: that's very nice. we can keep this up for the next seven minutes and i will be happy as a clam. >> bore everyone to death.
your own. >> i have three kids which is sort of like three million kids. >> stephen: are you going to go for a fourth? >> what! >> stephen: you're already in zone defense. you're already maximally inconvenienced, so go for a fourth. >> no! i'm 44 years old. i'm actually 44. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tee stay 85 years old! >> wow! she looks hot! >> stephen: she moisturizes! amazing! gotta get some of that! >> no, there's no more time to have any more children. >> stephen: you just had a one-year-old. >> and by the skin of his teeth he made it here! he's a miracle baby. >> stephen: skin of your teeth is not how you make a baby. (laughter) i don't want to shock anybody. i'll write it down for you. see, you get the thing and thing goes like that, yeah, that's how it works.
kind of works that way. anyyin way, we'll have this up on the web site later. (laughter) button. i didn't know. you could have adopted. i don't know. >> i have a really bad cough. >> stephen: do you want a ricola? >> sure! >> stephen: ricola! (laughter) there you go. you know, you could just tear off part of your dress. (laughter) (applause) there you go. i haven't touched it. there you go. there you go. glamour. >> what happened? >> stephen: we're just having fun! we're just having fun! (blowing noise) (laughter) >> stephen: your illustrious husband is one of the creators of "game of thrones." >> yes. >> stephen: do you ever want to be on that show?
>> stephen: i want to be on that show, too. >> are you serious? >> stephen: i haven't watched much, i'm reading the books. it. my kid was in the room and i said, i can't watch that. what do you want to be on the show? >> a swordswoman. >> stephen: okay. (laughter) >> what do you want to be? >> stephen: i want to die a really horrific death! >> me, too! >> stephen: i want to die like this, going, please, my lord, no! >> with blood gurgling. >> stephen: blood gurgling out of my body. >> should we do it? >> stephen: we could fight together on the show. on the show. >> stephen: that would be fun. accent? >> stephen: please, me lord! that's good (applause) >> stephen: that's good enough, come on!
called "togetherness." i love that show. your character, a lot of these people are in mid-life crises in their 40s. >> yes. >> stephen: you have a lovely life. what do you know from the mid-life crisis. is this a stretch for you? >> no! >> stephen: you don't look like a person in crisis to me. >> i -- you know, 44 is really -- it's quite something. how come all the women on the show are talking about their ages tonight? >> stephen: i don't know (laughter) so what was your crisis? >> well, it's ongoing. >> stephen: i'm catching you mid crisis right now? >> yes. but you know how some men hit middle age and get a motorcycle? well, i had a baby. >> stephen: okay. henry is my little motorcycle. >> stephen: that's lovely. he keeps me -- >> stephen: what do you worry about? mid life crisis -- >> i fear death. >> stephen: death? yes.
well, we all die. >> right. >> stephen: keep it light. we all die. (laughter) it's a late-night talk show, keep it light. maybe you will die and go to heaven. >> that's where i need help because you're catholic and i'm jewish so we're the same. (laughter) >> stephen: yes, catholics are the jews of christianity. (laughter) (applause) >>so what do you sneed? believe in. >> stephen: what happens when you die? >> yes, i don't want to be a bag of dust! i want to haunt my children! you're marrying who?! you did what?! like that, i want david and laura to be ghosts -- >> stephen: like beetle juice! (laughter) i don't know what happens.
>> that's what i want! >> stephen: i want classic. give me classic coke heaven is what i want. >> yes. >> stephen: i had a dream that i died and i go to heaven and this really happened, i go to heaven and heaven, instead of crossing the river, you had to cross a really nice hollywood pool and a row boat pulled by dwayne the rock johnson! (applause) (laughter) and all i could think about is i was worried do they have diet coke in heaven? because i really have a diet coke problem. >> this is really not inspirational. >> stephen: not helping? this is lovely. so nice to have you here. please come again when you're feeling well. (laughter) can i shake your hand and put some purelle on it? (laughter)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is one of comedians, now re-inventing himself as a political commentator. >> hey, one question! over here! senator ! is it true you tried to shut down the government so you could go to a nickerback concert? >> no way! all right, i'm never going to get to thism/vt
(laughter) up here! you can't wait forever! >> stephen: please welcome triumph, the insult comic dog. (cheers and applause) >> thank you very much! thank you! thank you! >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> it's my pleasure! how's the show going? >> stephen: well, haven't you been watching it? >> oh, i'm sorry. i was schtooping a terrier backstage. i do it every time. i got it from bill mar. >> stephen: thank you. i'm hulu, ladies and gentlemen! hulu! (applause) >> all your favorite network shows with all your favorite commercials as well!
>> stephen: you've got great reviews! >> i've gotten amazing reviews! >> stephen: fantastic reviews. incredible, everywhere! >> stephen: is it because the show's good or are you bribing these guys? >> wait a minute! after i get a great review, i send a nice critic a photo from my stash of dog porn. >> stephen: you've sent these photos to critics who said nice things about you? this is somebody from the new york star ledger. >> alan steanwolf. he was great. >> stephen: here's from a blorg. >> yes, the decider. it was an excellent review. >> stephen: this one you said judd app apatow -- >> he said my show was hilarious.
be an honest-to-god journalist now? >> exactly. >> stephen: you're covering the campaign as if you were a journalist. >> yes. >> stephen: but the jokes you're doing are pretty low brow. >> really! just think, millions of tvs are tuned in to the show now because the whole show fell asleep during elementary. >> stephen: you've gotten into the race a little late than other people. are there any other people who have dropped out of the race who you miss? >> yes, i interacted with a lot of them in the special but since then chris christie's dropped out. i'm sorry about that. >> stephen: yes, last week. i'm worried. now that he's not running for president. i'm worried chris christie might let himself go. (laughter) even though he's out of the race, he still has a $100,000 a
tomorrow at denny's by himself! (laughter) anymore. that's a new journalist triumph! >> stephen: what about carly. i never got to meet carly face to face. >> stephen: what about sanders? >> bernie 2016, that's crazy. the man doesn't look a year over 2000! >> stephen: doesn't seem like you're taking this job seriously. have you done your research. >> are you kidding me?! have i not done my research? uh do you realize i went to iowa, new hampshire, i studied every candidate, read every one of their books. >> stephen: every book? every book. would you like to see them? >> stephen: yes, i would. here's a book i read.
history with his updated new book pride and prejudice now with more prejudice by donald trump. (applause) florida governor jeb bush. he still hopes he will be the next president of 1600 penn. read about his vision for the country in leading to courage -- you're not going to show it? his vision for the country, leading to courage, america, freedom, future (bleep). i'm jeb bush! i did my research! let no one say i did not do my research! >> stephen: "triumph's election special 2016" is now streaming on hulu.
(cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be chelsea handler, star of "girls" zosia mamet, and a musical performance by the lumineers. now stick around for james corden. good night! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by