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tv   Late Night With Jimmy Fallon  NBC  July 2, 2011 3:35am-4:00am PDT

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>> jimmy: very good. hey. welcome to "late night" -- welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. oh, man, what a great crowd already. yeah, i can feel it's going to be a good show, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] hey, guys, i just read that secretary of state hillary clinton is threatening to cut off military aid to pakistan. or as one guy put it -- [ imitating bill clinton ] "that's not the first time she's threatened to cut something off. [ laughter and applause ] and she'll do it. she will do it." darryl. some tech news -- there are reports that twitter will start putting ads in user's timelines. that's going to be weird. right? it's going to be like, "i'm so sad. last night, my grandma passed away quietly in her sleep. do the dew!" [ laughter ]
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check this out, a european aircraft company is building a high speed jet that can go from new york to london in an hour. seriously? how about a jet that can go from the gate to the runway in an hour? [ laughter and applause ] that would be something -- that'd be something i want to see, man! you get it? >> steve: shame on you! uh! >> jimmy: shame on you. that's your new show, right? "shame on you." >> steve: yep. got it from arnold diaz. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hey, you guys hear about this? a hot dog company in chicago is suing a rival company for stealing its secret recipe. just what we need, another weiner scandal. [ laughter and applause ] you know, that's just what we need -- to kick off the summer wrong. this is pretty crazy. a team of scientists in the u.k. are trying to prove that shakespeare smoked weed. that explains that one original line --
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"to be or not to be -- wait, what was thy question?" [ laughter ] i was just reading this, a first edition charles darwin book was returned to a library in australia 122 years late. you could tell it was a darwin book, because it actually evolved into an ipad. [ laughter ] a couple college kids out there go "yeah, yeah, i know. about time he did a darwin joke!" this isn't good, you guys. a new study found that 10% of toddlers are overweight. that explains the most popular new stroller on the market -- a wheelbarrow. [ laughter ] "have you met --" can't even think of what his name would be. what's a new hip kid name? >> steve: ezekiel? [ laughter ] jebidiah? i've been in amish country, so i don't know. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. that's not new. >> steve: garth? [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: i just saw this -- [ laughter ] garth? >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. >> steve: trent. >> jimmy: i don't know, i don't have an answer. i was just asking. >> steve: all right. >> jimmy: could be ezekiel. it's not, though. the author of "sisterhood of the travelling pants" is releasing a new book that takes place ten years later. you can tell the characters are getting older, because now, the travelling pants have an elastic waistband. [ laughter ] did you see this? a -- a couple in michigan got married at a hospital right before the bride had her appendix removed. yeah, and this is cool. after the appendix was out, she turned around and tossed it to all the single ladies. [ audience groans ] this is pretty amazing. researchers in brazil have discovered a tribe in the amazon that has never made contact with the outside world. which can only mean one thing -- they're using iphones. [ laughter ] and finally, here's a sweet
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story. in california, two roto-rooter employees saved a beagle that got stuck in a sewer pipe. of course, by the time it came out, it was more of a shih tzu. ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] yeah. we have a huge show tonight, you guys. a big, fun show. you guys ready for it? it's going to be awesome! let's go! our pal and broadcasting legend, the great bob costas is here! [ cheers and applause ] love that dude, he's my favorite. >> steve: robert costas. >> jimmy: oh, you know her. you love her. the beautiful raven symone is here as well! [ cheers and applause ]
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oh, i'm psyched. first time on the show. i'm psyched for her. she's cool. and performing as part of their first tour in 13 years, archers of loaf will be right here! [ cheers and applause ] jamming out! it's going to be fun, you guys. hey, everybody. the other day, i got a call from my buddy justin bieber, and he said -- he said to me -- he said "jimmy, i need your help." of course, i was like, "whatever you need, biebs. what can i do? you want me to lay down some nasty tracks for the next album? do you want to come up with some slick, new dance moves for your next vid?" he was like "oh, no. definitely not. [ laughter ] please don't sing or dance. i just want you to debut a commercial for my new fragrance 'someday.'" and i was like "okay. i mean, i was working on some slick, new dms." [ light laughter ] they're pretty slick.
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people have come up to me and said, "excuse me, sir. that is quite a dance move." i just go, "thank you very much." whatever! i'm super excited about this, you guys. this is a debut of something major. [ laughter ] here's justin bieber, and the debut of his brand new fragrance, "someday." ♪ >> someday. someday, we'll be together. someday, i'll be next to you. someday, i'll be older, fatter. someday. someday, you'll look like this. what happened? >> jimmy: you just got pissy. [ laughter ] and you know, your metabolism changed a bit.
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>> i can eat like, five slices of pizza and i don't gain an ounce. >> jimmy: enjoy it, dude. you got to take care of yourself. get a trainer. >> thanks, i appreciate that. >> jimmy: no problem. >> do you want to do some more somedays? >> jimmy: okay. >> someday, videogames will be an olympic sport. >> jimmy: someday, we'll have robot arms and eat tacos made out of light. >> someday, i will get the mike tyson tattoo on my face. >> jimmy: someday, you're going to return that netflix dvd. >> someday, i'm going to -- >> jimmy: what? >> just kidding, man. i'd never do that. [ laughter ] someday. >> someday, the new fragrance by justin bieber. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "someday" by justin bieber is in stores now. we'll be right back with "thank you notes," everybody. come on back! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] host: could switching to geico really save you
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>> jimmy: welcome back to our show, everybody. hope you had a great week. hope you have a great weekend. [ applause ] >> steve: nuff said. >> jimmy: hey, guys, today is friday. that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. you know, i get my hair trimmed, get my eyebrows waxed, check my inbox, return some e-mails, and of course, i send out thank you notes. well, i was running a bit behind. i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool? do you mind? [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. hey, james, can i get some thank you writing music, please? ♪
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wait, what? >> steve: it's a morning -- it's a brand-new day, he's waking up. >> jimmy: yeah, but is he not playing it? what were you playing the keyboard with? >> steve: don't ask! don't ask! ♪ >> that's like an anthony -- song. >> jimmy: all right, for a second, i thought we had one of those anthony weiner keyboards. >> steve: i did. i told this for a long time. that and harry reid. >> jimmy: more of a reid instrument. >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: all right. thank you, james. >> steve: i guess. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, today, for being take your dog to work day, or as they call that in china, brown bagging it.
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[ laughter ] >> steve: they eat dogs. >> jimmy: they eat dogs. >> steve: it's a cultural thing. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, fans of amy winehouse, who booed her offstage because she showed up drunk, for clearly forgetting the artist you went to see was amy winehouse. [ laughter ] >> steve: that's her name, winehouse. >> jimmy: you got what you paid for, man. wouldn't it be weird if she came thank you, miniature schnauzers or as i like to call you, miniature sean connerys. steve, what did you say? >> steve: you know what they call that in china? >> jimmy: what? >> a 007. it was on the menu. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: that was a good one. thank you, people who say, "keep me posted," for politely saying "i'm not really interested and i want to get out of this conversation." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you, butterflies, for being flamboyant moths. there's a little dot over here. snuggle up in a cocoon. >> jimmy: thank you, people who think i will help them move if they offer me free pizza and beer, or i could just buy my own pizza and beer and not have to carry some nasty old recliner up four or five flights of stairs for my cheap, lazy friends. i have options.
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[ applause ] thank you, lay-ups, for being slam-dunks for white people. he's got the ball there, he passes it to robinson. robinson goes right up, and it's a great layup, two points! ♪ sweet adeline sweet adeline ♪ >> jimmy: jack trap and the four poles? >> steve: yeah. yeah, that's a -- the barber shop -- >> jimmy: that is fantastic. >> steve: i love it. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, every pair of running sneakers currently on the market, for looking like severed alien robot feet. these are really good for your arches. [ laughter ]
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♪ thank you, water parks, for being more like giant wedgie factories. [ laughter ] >> steve: that was fun. could we do it again? >> jimmy: what, dad? hey! [ screeches ] >> jimmy: hey, i didn't see you sitting behind me. sorry about that. your son is fine. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. >> steve: here's $5, buy a hot dog!
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♪ >> jimmy: thank you, notorious boston gangster whitey bulger, for finally getting caught and oddly enough, only two weeks after tighty whitey bulger. [ laughter ] there you have it. those are my thank you notes, everybody. we'll be right back with more "late night!" ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ -wee! -woo hoo. [ kids ] pop-tarts, please! [ laughter ] ♪ [ female announcer ] when you give your kids frosted strawberry pop-tarts baked with real fruit, they'll rise and you'll shine. pop-tarts. made for fun.
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don't just vacuum clean, resolve clean. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: our first guest recently won his 22nd emmy for broadcasting. he's the best. he's an nbc sports fixture and the face of the mlb network. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome bob costas! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> how did you know that? how did you know that? >> i know this. >> that's -- that's beyond great. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, you want -- yeah. >> this goes back -- this goes back, like, 20 years. >> jimmy: good song, yeah. >> no, that song goes back 50 years. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but that goes back, like, 20 years. when i did a show that would have been on after yours, if it were still on. it has the "carson daly" spot now. it was "later." it was an interview show. >> jimmy: "later with bob costas." i love that show. >> you know what? here, your audience is too young to even remember it. >> jimmy: no, they all know. >> i left in like 1994. but anyway, rob reiner was a guest about 20 years ago, and he told me he knew the lyrics to every theme song of every television show ever. so, after a few obvious ones, "the patty duke show," this, that and the other thing --
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i said, all right, here you go. "the lawman" starring john russell and peter brown, whereupon he said -- ♪ the lawman came with the sun there was a job to be done ♪ ♪ and so they sent for the badge and the gun of the lawman ♪ [ laughter ] and then i said -- ♪ a man who rides all alone and all that he'll ever own ♪ ♪ is just badge and a gun and he's known as the lawman ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: very, very nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. how in the hell the roots know that. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. no, they know every song. and they're in everyone's brain. they are the greatest band ever. [ laughter ] thank you so much for coming back to the show. last time i saw you, you were -- you were selling -- we were trying to buy the olympics, nbc. >> yeah. >> jimmy: we got it. >> and you showed up as part of our presentation, but i was reminded when you did the thank you notes, that in vancouver, for the last winter olympics, you came up.
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and you sat on the set with me and did thank you notes. and my favorite one was, "thank you, biathlon, for combining athletic competition with firearms." [ laughter ] "in the united states, we enjoy that, too. but, we just call it the nba." >> jimmy: yeah, absolutely. that's insane. that was a good one. but, i came down, and we ended up -- we ended up getting the olympics. nbc got the olympics for the next three olympics. >> yeah. you showed up. >> jimmy: we were -- well, i was busy. we -- you were down in the studio. or studio 8a -- >> yeah, advertisers and whatnot. >> jimmy: yeah, so you have to sell them, and it's a big serious thing, but -- and they -- they -- dick ebersol said, "would you mind stopping down and telling everybody that the olympics are fun." and i said, "oh, please, i'd love to, but i'm working that day on a pre-tape for our show." and he goes, "doesn't matter, just come down, and just say 'hi' to everybody." >> jimmy: so, i cam down, and you were on stage. >> i was. >> jimmy: and i came down -- >> i was with this dude. >> jimmy: yeah. pauley d. [ laughter ]
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>> pauley d. >> pauley d. >> jimmy: came down. i sit, started making some people fist pumps. and i said, "we should really get the olympics." >> yeah, and that -- that and a check for $4.3 billion clenched it for us. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that -- yeah. but, i was really -- hey, really. it's -- i deserve something. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and can i reveal it here that you are actually part of our team in london for 2012. you're going to come on during "late night" now and then. >> yeah. very good. i'm very excited about this. it's going to be big. [ applause ] we going to be a good team. i'm excited about this. i love england. i love the olympics. >> it's you and me and the synchronized swimming. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's going to be fantastic. well, one out of four of us will be hairless. it will be fantastic. it will be me. people shave their hair when they -- >> yes, they do and their bodies, to cut down on the drag. >> jimmy: is that what it is? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. now, the -- but what about the -- what about mark spitz? remember him? he had pretty hairy dude. >> he had a moustache. >> jimmy: he was a very hairy dude. >> he had a mustache in 1972. right. lots of body hair. he was just so much better than everybody, he just said, "the heck with it, i'll swim in a be

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