tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC July 6, 2013 12:35am-1:36am PDT
all i'd really wanna do ♪ ♪ ♪ is watch the world end with you ♪ ♪ ♪ i'd watch the world end with you ♪ ♪ ♪ mmmmm oh, i'd watch the world end mmmmm with you ♪ ♪ mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: yeah! trace adkins, colbie caillat. nice job, you guys. that was fantastic. beautiful song. beautiful song. >> thank you. >> jay: i want to thank my guests, kevin hart, jeremy scahill, trace adkins and
colbie caillat. tomorrow night, carson daly and betty white. jimmy fallon happening now! jimmy! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about! hey!
welcome! that's what i'm talking about! i feel the love! hey! i feel the love. oh, my gosh. welcome, everybody, to "late night with jimmy fallon." you guys feeling good?! [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. that's a great new york city crowd. welcome, everybody. here's what people are talking about. yesterday, russian president vladimir putin and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. when asked why, putin was like -- [ as putin ] "we tried to make work, but you know what they say, men are from malgobek, women are from kadnikov." [ laughter ] actually, putin and his wife made their announcement after they attended the ballet. which is weird, 'cause most guys would want to break up with you before they had to go to the ballet. [ laughter ] confusing. this is kind of cool. president obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there, he said every school in the u.s. should have high-speed internet. and then it got awkward when one kid said, "what, so you could read our e-mails faster?" [ laughter and applause ]
>> steve: smoking 100's, too. >> jimmy: pall mall, no filters. >> steve: yeah, wow. >> jimmy: listen to this, you guys. spirit airlines is planning to sell passengers wine in a can for $7. [ cheers ] i know $7 seems like a lot, but it's all worth it to forget you're flying spirit airlines while drinking wine out of a can. [ laughter and applause ] where did i go wrong in life? here's a crazy story. a 71-year-old man in florida was arrested for throwing his dentures at a police officer. that story again -- today in florida, florida was florida. [ laughter ] where else would that happen? i just saw that celebrity chef paula deen just released her own line of butter. [ cheers and applause ] when asked what you should put it on, deen was like "who said you had to put it on anything?" [ laughter ]
this is very interesting. you hear about this? scientists think they've discovered a gene mutation that causes early puberty. it makes some kids hit puberty much younger. and you can really tell, take a look at this clip from "dora the explorer." >> hi, i'm dora. have you ever seen a train? here comes a train. chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug -a. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, you can sense some change. this is kind of funny. as part of a senior prank, students at a high school in washington spray painted all over their school, but they actually misspelled the word "senior" twice. [ laughter ] or as the principal put it, "who the hell is 'senor raul.' oh, seniors rule." [ laughter ] they spray painted all over their school and misspelled senior twice, which probably explains why they didn't get into collage. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
and finally, new york city is bringing back it program to put boots on cars if their owners have $350 in outstanding fines. to make it even more embarrassing, it turns the boot is an ugg. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots, right there! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: oh, my goodness! that sounds awesome! we have two legends sitting in with the roots tonight. that's bob james on piano and david sanborn on saxophone! [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about! oh, my goodness. their new album, "quartette humaine" is right here. you can see them headlining the 35th playboy jazz festival on june 16th in los angeles. i'm honored to have you here. thank you so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] david, you've been in the studio, right, when letterman used to do "late night" many, many times? >> yeah, a few times. >> jimmy: yeah, so yeah. well, welcome back. we're happy to have you here. i've got to thank dave for letting us borrow you for a night. i'm so psyched that you guys are here. you guys, this whole week, we've been showing you guys this fun new thing that we've been doing. basically, we've been searching through news footage to find clips of brian williams saying different words. [ light laughter ] and then we edit them all together to make it sounds like he's rapping. well, tonight, we have a brand-new one. [ cheers and applause ]
have we heard from brian? have we heard from brian at all? does he like what we're doing? [ laughter ] he's not talking to us anymore. we've got a new one tonight. this time, it's "straight outta compton," by nwa. here's brian williams. ♪ ♪ straight outta compton crazy mother [ bleep ] named ice cube from the gang called ♪ ♪ [ bleep ] with attitude but when i'm called off i got a sawed off squeezed the trigger ♪ ♪ and bodies are hauled off when i'm in you neighborhood you better duck because ice cube is crazy as [ bleep ] ♪ ♪ as i leave believe i'm stomping but when i come back boy i'm coming straight ♪ ♪ outta compton compton compton compton ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the best one yet! the best one yet! the best one yet. he has to like it. he has to like it. come on, brian. come on, bri-wi.
oh, man, i love that dude. we have such a great show tonight. so many legends here tonight and just fun things. this guy's hosting the tony awards, again, this sunday night. he's so talented. we love him. neil patrick harris is here! [ cheers and applause ] who doesn't love that guy? plus, i think he's my favorite comedian out there right now, working, he's just so -- i can say that, right? he has a new book out, jim gaffigan is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] he's unbelievably funny. and we have great music from the dream featuring gary clark jr. [ cheers and applause ] gary clark jr., besides captain kirk. i would say captain kirk is my favorite guitarist of all time, and next to you, gary clark jr. this guy is amazing. have you ever seen gary clark jr.? it's like you got together and you're playing together, the roots and you guys, and the dream. it's just fun, fun, fun.
i can't believe this! let's start the show, already, all right? [ cheers and applause ] we're here, let's do it! this is fun tonight. now you guys, as you know, yesterday, president obama came under fire when it was revealed that the government has been collecting the phone records of millions of verizon customers. phone calls, text messages, et cetera. it's crazy. and earlier, the president called a press conference to talk about this issue. let's just take a look. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you! thank you! my fellow americans, i'd like to briefly address the claims that my administration has been illegally wiretapping u.s. citizens. now, look, look. obviously, i've heard everyone talking about this whole verizon thing these past couple of days. i've heard everybody talking about it. i mean, you know, literally, i have heard everybody -- [ laughter ] but rest assured, the phone records that we have obtained
are strictly for the purposes of national security and most americans have nothing to worry about. in fact, if there's one thing i've learned in the past two months, poring over every text, e-mail, and phone call that you've made, it's that you're pretty damned boring. [ laughter ] i mean, look, look. look, let me show you a quick example. look at this text exchange between verizon customer craig rome and his girlfriend, katie, from earlier in the month. "hey, can you pick up some seltzer water from the store?" "sure, what flavor?" "just regular." [ laughter ] i mean, come on? you know, seriously? really? is that all you've got?! come on, people! i mean, news flash, craig! if this is as exciting as you get, katie is going to drop your ass. [ laughter ] she's going to -- look, look, she's going to drop your ass for that dude, adam,
that she's been texting with these past couple of weeks. yeah. yeah, oh, that's right! that's right. i went there. i went there. i mean, look, craig. look at this text exchange, craig, look. look, look at this text exchange between katie and her "friend," adam, and that "friend" is in quotes. look at it, it's all emoji. [ laughter ] he texted her a cute little frog face and she texted back the same frog face and two little ballerinas and then he wrote back, "frog ballerina?" and she wrote back, "lol, yes." and then another frog emoji. boom! how adorable is that?! it's like they have their own little language. now let's go back to an exchange between katie and boring-ass old stupid, lonely craig. [ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ] yep. i know. [ applause ] craig writes, craig writes, "i love you." katie writes back, "k." oh! oh! that's too hot. that's too hot to handle, too cold to hold. they're called the ghostbusters, because they're in control. [ cheers ] i'm serious. no, craig, listen to me. now, look, look. now, craig, a little tip here from the top. when someone texts you back, "k," that means they left out "f-u-[ bleep ] and the "o-f-f." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: interesting press conference. you guys, today is friday and that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. i check my inbox, return some e-mails, and of course send out "thank you notes." and i was running a bit -- [ cheers and applause ]
i was running a bit behind today, so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool? can i write them out? [ cheers and applause ] thank you. roots, can i get some thank you note writing music, please? ♪ you screwed up a little bit there, yeah. yeah. yeah, busted. screwed up a little bit. ♪ thank you, miami heat center chris andersen, for looking like the love child of dennis rodman and macklemore. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ twenty dollars in my pocket ♪ ♪ thank you, charlie sheen, for going by your real name, carlos estevez in an upcoming movie. maybe it's about time i go by my real name, jimmy falliente. [ whip cracks ] [ cheers and applause ]
>> steve: that's your real name?! jimmy falliente? >> jimmy: jimmy falliente. >> steve: it sounds like caliente, but it's falliente, nice. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, whale watchers, or as whales call you, stalkers. [ laughter and applause ] get away from me! [ whale sounds ] a whale impression? [ dolphin sounds ] >> steve: a dolphin comes in. >> jimmy: yeah, a dolphin comes over. very good. [ seagull sounds ] >> steve: seagull. [ fog horn noise ] fog horn. i've got a million of them. go ahead. >> jimmy: you're like the white michael winslow, i love it. ♪ thank you, people who say, "you're going to love this story" before telling a story, for warning me that i better be ready to fake laugh. [ laughter ] [ applause ] ♪ thank you, wind chimes, for
letting me know that an ancient evil has just awoken in this town. [ laughter ] [ chiming ] >> steve: papa! >> jimmy: papa! >> jimmy: speaking backwards? >> steve: yeah, i was speaking backwards. [ speaking backwards ] [ laughter ] that wasn't in reverse, you just said zeeb zarb. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, the number three, for being a 90-degree turn away from inappropriate. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: that's like three ways, too. >> jimmy: i don't know what it looks like. >> steve: you pick your inappropriate with that one. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, ghosts, for being the sequel to people. [ laughter ] that was a thinker. ♪
>> steve: oh, yeah! >> jimmy: that was a thinker. yeah. ♪ thank you, yearbooks, for being a great way to remind me of all the ways in which i didn't get involved. [ laughter ] >> steve: nope, nope. >> jimmy: nope. >> steve: spanish club? >> jimmy: nope. oh, photobombed that one. ♪ thank you, justin bieber's pants, for being number one at making it look like you just went number two. [ laughter ] there you have it! those are my "thank you notes." [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with neil patrick harris, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this is it. this is what matters.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest this evening is a multiple emmy award-winning actor who will be hosting the 67th annual tony awards live this sunday night at 8:00 p.m. on cbs. please welcome back to the show a talented and hard-working man. here's neil patrick harris! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: neil patrick harris! >> hi! >> jimmy: i love you. they love you. we love you. >> thank you, sir. likewise. >> jimmy: welcome back to our show. i can't wait to see you at the tonys this weekend. >> the tonys are this sunday. very exciting. >> jimmy: you are a great host at these -- >> thanks, man. >> jimmy: i look forward to it. every time you do it, i go -- you've won two emmys for hosting the tonys. that's how good of a host you are. >> that's why i do it. i try to go from one awards shows to win other awards for the other awards shows. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a genius -- >> no, the tonys are great. it's just such a weird, like a niche-y thing, you know? i think it's important to encourage people to come to new york, a, and to see great theater. so, we spend a lot of time making this three-hour show filled with these amazing spectacles and amazing performances by big, giant shows that are doing it eight times a week. adds a little pressure to me because i'm only doing it once, and yet, the rest of the show is filled with people who are doing it, like, constantly amazing performances. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. >> so, we're gonna -- we're doing a bunch of things we can to try to get people to watch.
we're gonna -- every time -- >> jimmy: yeah, you have a big opening. >> how dare you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, an opening number -- i'm sorry -- for the show. opening number. [ laughter ] >> oh, oh. >> jimmy: big opening number for the tonys. >> oh, yeah. no, a big opening number -- you're right -- for the show. that will be fun. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i just -- i've seen some websites. i'm just saying. i've seen some websites. [ laughter ] >> every time anyone thanks their domestic partner, we're all going to do a shot backstage. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. yeah, you'll be hammered within the first half hour. >> a lemon drop. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love the tonys -- >> i'm gonna -- what else am i gonna -- i'm going to do a bit with sandy the dog from "annie" that i think is only -- is only legal in -- >> jimmy: in tijuana? >> in tijuana, yeah. [ laughter ] so, that'll be fun. >> jimmy: i like the tonys because, as opposed to any other award show, they kind of make people do what they're nominated for, which is. like, you know what i'm saying? like, you're nominated for best musical, they're like, "all right, now go do it for us." [ laughter ] that would be -- you're like, "really?"
"hey, sean penn, you're great. go do that monologue for us. yeah, you're all right." >> prove it! prove it. >> jimmy: prove it. it's, like -- but it's the most entertaining show ever. >> prove it, penn. do "milk." let's see it before we give you the award. >> jimmy: let's see you -- come on, do it! but let's talk about the nominees this year. you got a great variety. you got tom hanks. you got "matilda." that's a big one. >> tom hanks is in a play called "lucky guy." >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> he's great in -- >> jimmy: haven't seen it yet. >> "matilda," super great british import musical that's amazing and clever and super fun. >> jimmy: yeah. >> there's four girls playing matilda, all not simultaneously. they each -- they alternate. and they're winning honorary tonys just 'cause, i guess, they're little. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] that's super -- >> super little. >> jimmy: because that's cute. [ talking over each other ] how cute, yeah. that'd be fun though. >> "kinky boots." >> jimmy: "kinky boots." did not see "kinky boots" yet, but that's my man, harvey fierstein. >> indeed. [ as fierstein ] >> jimmy: "he has the best voice in the business." >> "he knows how to write a book." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he really does. i mean, he's fantastic. i haven't seen it yet. >> no, what have you seen? >> jimmy: i've saw -- i just saw something recently. oh, i saw "rock of ages" only.
>> "rock of ages" is great! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i loved it, man. >> i loved "rock of ages," too. >> jimmy: i loved it, too. i went in thinking, "oh, this is going to be fun." but, you know, i was just gonna be listening to music or whatever. i was crying by the third song. [ laughter ] i go, "i can't believe i'm crying. this is so great." >> "rock of ages" is the first big musical where they let you drink in the seats, and they have, like -- people get -- you know, ordering drinks in the aisles. >> jimmy: see, that's the way i do every show. i just drink anyway. [ laughter ] >> i thought i had three shots of whiskey and two pabst blue ribbons during the show. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how classy. broadway's back! broadway is back! >> i love "rock of ages." [ cheers and applause ] >> i did. >> jimmy: you have a cool story about tom hanks that i'd love for you to tell. well, he came to see you when you were doing "rent"? >> i did "rent" on the west coast, yeah, in l.a.. you know, for the opening night, the celebrities come, and he and his wife, rita, were there. and it just speaks to what an amazing guy he is. it's no real joke to the story. >> jimmy: yeah. >> he was just there and not only was there, but went to the after party and went around to each person individually in the cast and had nothing but, like,
gracious things, but specific things to say about them, like what he liked about their performance, and what he remembers about them and where they were from. and just for someone as, you know, like, ginormous as tom hanks go around and give these young kids inspiration was really great. good guy. >> jimmy: he's just a good guy to do that. i just love that. i love tom hanks. >> funny story. >> jimmy: no, no. i like -- [ laughter ] it's just a real story. that's why i like you to tell it because people should know what a great guy tom hanks is. >> and then, he choked somebody out. >> jimmy: no, he did not! [ laughter ] no, that's not true. "how i met your mother." it's back -- [ cheers and applause ] >> "how i met your mother!" yeah, we're back for our ninth season. our ninth and final season. >> jimmy: now, this -- are you getting sad? is it bittersweet? >> it's bittersweet. >> jimmy: you're happy. you don't like -- >> i didn't -- no one wanted the show to just go on for a multitude of years where we just never said who the mother was. you know? >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> when the title of the show sort of begets an answer. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, we showed you who the mother was at the last scene of this last season, which was kind of awesome. >> jimmy: great. >> so, it's nice. we've got a lovely, almost decade of a chapter there.
>> jimmy: and you know how it's going to end? >> i do. >> jimmy: you do? >> yeah. death and dismemberment. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, that's not true. >> an earthquake. >> jimmy: did i hear this? after the show wraps, you're moving -- you're moving to new york city. >> yeah. but that was gonna -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about! i'd love to have you in the city. this is -- >> we think it's important our kids develop an accent. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is the best place -- >> so, i feel -- it was london. we thought maybe that, but we think, no, like, the bronx accent, we think, is strong. [ scattered applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, you need that. you need that. it's very smart. but it's going to be fun. you actually lived here before. >> we have an apartment up in harlem that we've had for seven or eight years, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. [ scattered applause ] beautiful. >> i love it up there. there's something about this city. there's just something about the seasons. there's something about the culture. there's something about the fact that you live in the city. you know, as you go out, you interact with all kinds of different, amazing people. you're required to, and through that, you learn and you grow and you experience all kinds of diversity. and while i love l.a., it's a
little sort of hollywood-centric. you don't quite get that same wide swath of people. so, i think for our kids, that seems like a good way to have them grow up. >> jimmy: well, you got to come by now that you're here. you gotta come by the show more often. >> want to babysit? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] i'd be good. i thought about it for a second, but yeah, i'm good. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah, i wanna -- i'd be a good babysitter. >> what would you do with the kids as a babysitter? >> jimmy: rent some city bikes and -- [ laughter and applause ] i don't know. i don't know what i'd do. every time you come on, we make you do something silly. >> okay. >> jimmy: i'd love to play a game with you. >> all right. >> jimmy: can we play a game? >> yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: neil patrick harris and i are playing "catchphrase" after the break. stick around, everybody. it's fun. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ if you're seeing spots before your eyes... it's time... for aveeno® positively radiant face moisturizer. [ female announcer ] only aveeno® has an active naturals total soy formula that instantly brightens skin. and helps reduce the look of brown spots in just 4 weeks.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. we are back with my neil patrick harris. he's hosting the tony awards this sunday night live at 8:00 p.m. over on cbs. nph and i are about to play a game of catchphrase. we're joined by two members of our studio audience who just happen to be a married couple. >> neil: uh-oh. >> jimmy: please welcome david and natalie from provo, utah. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] all right. we're playing catchphrase. neil, we'll start the game by pressing start on this buzzer. and then you draw a clue from the top of the pile. you get your teammate to guess the clue as quickly as possible then hand the buzzer off to the person on your right. you can be physical, you can say anything, but you can't say any word in the actual clue. if you're holding the buzzer when it goes off, your team loses that round. [ laughter ] first team to win two rounds wins the whole thing. probably t-shirts or something.
neil patrick harris -- >> 1 million t-shirts. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: legally, we can't say that. you're not going to win that. neil patrick harris, you're first press start. >> press start and take one of those? >> jimmy: and draw your clue, yes. dave's my man. very calm. >> intimidating. >> neil: bring it. >> jimmy: weird fist bump, sorry. [ laughter ] >> neil: ready, ready? set! oh, press start. >> jimmy: you did it right. >> okay, okay, this is when you take one of these and go chick, chick, chick, chick. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. >> a lock? >> neil: no. >> a can opener? >> neil: yeah! that's right. >> jimmy: don't give them the clue. >> it's a kind of drink? [ fast beeping ] >> jimmy: a kind of drink? milk. i don't know. >> it's like a tone. don't take that tone. three-letter word. blank and -- >> jimmy: gin? tonic? yeah. >> jimmy: go, go, go!
>> okay, this is a place in -- wait, no it's not in times square. it's in new york city, i think the rockettes play there? >> neil: radio city music hall. >> yes! >> go, go, go! >> jimmy: you can record your tv shows and change the channels. >> remote. >> jimmy: no! yes! [ buzzer ] ♪ whoo! whoo! i have a tricky, tricky teammate. [ laughter ] i don't know if i'm saying the right answer, it was gin and tonic. and he goes, ye-ye-ye-yeah. [ laughter ] >> you got it. >> jimmy: and i said, when you change the channel, and he goes -- [ laughter ] it rhymes with the right word so i gave him credit for it. it rhymes with remote control. so, it was very close. so we won the game. >> all right. fine. >> jimmy: all right. now you go. >> neil: all right. you ready? >> jimmy: yeah. [ beeping ] >> neil: oh, i'm crabby, i'm oscar the -- >> grouch. >> the whole longer word. like crabby? >> groucho. [ laughter ]
>> neil: that word but with a "y" at the end >> grouchy! >> jimmy: groucho. >> you get a sore throat and you have these removed. >> jimmy: your tonsils. >> okay, your mommy made it for dinner and they are made out meat. and they're really messy. >> neil: meatball. >> kind of but they're on a bread so it's like messy. another word for messy. all over. >> neil: sloppy joes! >> yeah. [ faster beeping ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: she wore a raspberry -- >> a hat. [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] >> oh! [ sad tuba ] >> jimmy: all right. here we go. raspberry hat? [ laughter ] >> oh, my god! >> neil: that was fantastic. >> jimmy: okay, here we go. whoever wins this wins the whole thing. here we go. ready? >> neil: last one. come on. focus up, buddy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. [ beeping ]
okay, oh, gosh, this is a very stressful situation, you press this -- the president has it. it's red. probably on his white house desk if we're going to go to war. >> an alarm? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you press an alarm? no. two words, the second word is what you press? >> a mute button. mute? [ faster beeping ] >> jimmy: the second one is, i'm nervous. >> panic button! panic button. >> neil: okay, this is my? >> face. >> and this is a guy i hire to take someone out. he, he -- >> a sniper. >> neil: yeah, but like, in the wild. >> security guard. >> neil: like a deer or -- >> jimmy: i'm feeling good about this. >> a wild -- head. face. >> jimmy: i'm feeling good! i'm feeling good. >> neil: he -- >> head shooter. head shot, i don't know! [ buzzer ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: winner! ♪ head hunter.
>> jimmy: my thanks to neil patrick harris. watch the tonys this sunday please! jim gaffigan join us after the break! stick around, everybody! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what do you think about caffeine? we consume over two billion cups of coffee every week without a second thought. 5-hour energy has less caffeine than some starbucks coffees, plus it has vitamins and nutrients. it's simple... caffeine with vitamins and nutrients. it's the combination that makes it so great. before you make a decision, get the facts. try a sip and find out why so many people love 5-hour energy.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a very, very funny comedian with a best-selling new book entitled "dad is fat," which is in stores now. please welcome jim gaffigan! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: jim. jim gaffigan, we love it when you come on. >> well, it's always good to be here. >> jimmy: thank you. gosh, you just can't help but laugh at this, "dad is fat." where did the title come from? >> well, this is the first complete first sentence that my now 7-year-old son wrote on a dry erase board. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: "dad is fat." >> yes, and then he showed it to me. and then i put him up for adoption, so. >> jimmy: good for you. >> it's good. >> jimmy: but you're not overweight. >> well, you kw, i'm fat. [ laughter ] i mean, i love it, because, you know, i was doing a show in alabama, which is a great place. and this woman came up to me afterwards and she was like, you know, you're not that fat. like, it was a compliment or something. [ laughter ] i was like, well, you're not that polite. [ laughter ] but, i am fat. i think some people should be fat. we all have that friend that's lost tons of weight. and whenever you see them, you always think, you looked better fat. [ laughter ] you know? >> jimmy: that's so true. >> you know, you look thin, but you look exhausted. you know, go back to fat. >> jimmy: that's so true. but would you want to be healthier? do you want to eat better? >> i wish i was interested in healthy food.
but i'm not. i mean, recently, i saw an apple, and i swear to god, for a second, i didn't even recognize it. [ laughter ] like a moment, i was like, what is that? a paperweight? >> jimmy: a paperweight! >> no, it's an apple! it's so weird to not see it in a pie. [ laughter ] but, let's be real. i mean, like are you ever excited by fruit? you're always like, you're like, yay, fruit! at least it's not vegetables! [ laughter ] that's why there's so many paintings in museums of just bowls of fruit. >> jimmy: yeah. >> because you can start painting a bowl of fruit. you could leave for a couple of days, come back, no one would have touched the fruit. [ laughter ] but if you're painting a doughnut, you better finish it on the first sitting. [ laughter and applause ] you know? >> jimmy: give me an example. what did you have last night? what did you eat? >> well, this seems like i'm
namedropping, but i was eating your ice cream last night, jimmy. >> jimmy: were you really? late-night snack. >> i was eating a late-night snack ice cream. >> jimmy: this is our ice cream, our ben & jerry's ice cream. >> and i'll tell you, of course it was night. i mean, after you ever ate ice cream during the day? it was like, what are we, 6? [ laughter ] did we just get our tonsils out? i was eating a pint of ice cream. and i finished it, by the way, because i'm american. [ laughter ] you know -- i care about the environment. i don't want to, you know, waste it being re-freezed or whatever. and i was eating it, and i was by the way, i was eating it in a sweatpants because i'm a man. [ laughter ] so i was eating it, and my wife came in the room, and she said, jim, are you going to eat that entire pint of ice cream by yourself. and i was like, hopefully, you know? she was like, jim, you have a 9-year-old daughter. don't you want to be at her wedding? and i was like, not really, no. [ laughter ]
but, wait, is there going to be ice cream at her wedding? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: 'cause then i'll go. >> then i was like, yeah, i don't care. >> jimmy: so you're still touring right now, doing stand-up, right? >> touring, touring. always touring. >> jimmy: you have a very clean act. >> well, you're clean also. i also think it's weird when people say, they kind of qualify why people go. they're like, "well, you sell tickets because you're clean." and it's like, hopefully it's because i'm funny. it's not like that's the only selling point. like, you know, like as if the entire society is just cursing, they're like, come see this weirdo that doesn't curse. [ laughter ] you know, hopefully it's funny. >> jimmy: it's definitely funny. have you ever been heckled? >> you know, i rarely get heckled, but i -- have you ever worked at governor's on long island? >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's a great club, great club. and i love long island, but, you know, late shows can be tough. and this is probably ten years ago. and i was doing a show and i'm from indiana, and i was doing all this material about being from indiana.
and in the audience, someone started -- i started hearing, moo, moo! and i'm like, all right, so 'cause i'm from the midwest, they're mooing me. moo! and so i started kind of responding, trying to bring down the heckler. and the audience wasn't really with me. and so it just kept going on, like, moo! moo! [ laughter ] and so, eventually, i was like, i was probably 45 minutes into the set. and i was like, all right, i've got to just go in the audience and see who this mooing guy is. so i went out, and there was a long microphone. and i went in the audience, and i saw the guy who was mooing. he was like a severely handicapped person in a hospital bed with a keyboard. and he was going, moo! and i was like, all right, i'm just going to go and kill myself. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so that was his thing, he liked it? >> he was mooing in a positive way. >> jimmy: he enjoyed the act. oh, my gosh. >> that was awkward. >> jimmy: you guys, read this
book, jim gaffigan, "dad is fat." [ cheers and applause ] check out his tour dates jimgaffigan.com, he's amazing. the dream and gary clark jr. perform next. come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ my asthma's under control. i get out a lot... except when it's too cold. like the last three weekends. asthma doesn't affect my job... you missed the meeting again last week! it doesn't affect my family. your coughing woke me up again. i wish you'd take me to the park. i don't use my rescue inhaler a lot... depends on what you mean by a lot. coping with asthma isn't controlling it. test your level of control at asthma.com, then talk to your doctor. there may be more you could do for your asthma. [ male announcer ] men -- you've tortured your face enough. end the face torture. new dove men + care face lotion hydrates skin to keep it looking good. take better care of your face
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a chart-topping artist and producer whose new album, "fourplay," was just released. he's here tonight to perform the song, "too early," with a little help from gary clark jr. and the roots. please welcome back to the show the dream! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you give him all my loving you gave him all my time you're leaving me with nothing ♪ ♪ not even a piece of mind ooh baby ooh baby ♪
♪ you gave him all my pleasure you give him my joy ♪ ♪ you leave me with no aspirations your love i can't afford ooh baby, ooh baby ♪ ♪ my heart is hurting but the bills due car note and the rent too ♪ ♪ know what you done but i'mma be a fool be wise to play it cool ♪ ♪ so many things i could do to you black out, the cops come ♪ ♪ can't see me daughters can't see my sons but i come home undone ♪ ♪ 'cause it's too early in the morning to break up and then make out ♪
♪ it's way late for pretending it's time to stop now ♪ ♪ i've seen your silhouette the sunset with my top down ♪ ♪ chop that see me ride million dollar benz rims gliding ♪ ♪ top down, gold watch 100 stacks hand on my glock ♪ ♪ gave you all my of sunshine and all you gave me was rain ♪ ♪ it's been 40 days and 40 nights soaking in the pain ooh baby, ooh baby ♪ ♪ my heart is hurting but the bills due car note and the rent too ♪ ♪ know what you done
but i'mma be a fool be wise to play it cool ♪ ♪ so many things i could do to you black out, the cops come ♪ ♪ can't see my daughters can't see my sons but i come home undone ♪ ♪ 'cause it's too early in the morning to break up and then make out ♪ ♪ it's way late for pretending it's time to stop now ♪ ♪ i've seen your silhouette the sunset with my top down ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 'cause it's too early in the morning
to break up and then make out ♪ ♪ it's way late for pretending it's time to stop now ♪ ♪ stop now stop now stop now ♪ ♪ 'cause it's too early in the morning to break up and then make out ♪ ♪ it's way late for pretending it's time to stop now ♪ ♪ i've seen your silhouette the sunset with my ♪ ♪ too early in the morning ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yes! that's the way to do it! that's the way to do it, buddy. that's the way to do it right there. thank you, buddy. the dream! [ cheers and applause ] gary clark jr. and the roots. look for the new album, "fourplay." we'll be right back, everybody. oh, that's the way to do it.
♪ [ male announcer ] universal studios summer of survival. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to neil patrick harris, jim gaffigan, the dream, gary clark jr., david sandborn, bob james. and the greatest band the late night, the roots, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "carson daly." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i'll see you next week, okay? bye-bye! [ cheers and applause ] ♪