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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  May 3, 2014 12:36am-1:38am PDT

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- senator john mccain. billy eichner. music from jason derulo.
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featuring the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ and now, here he is, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] are you well? thank you so much for being here. let's open tonight with some happy news. you guys like happy news? [ cheers and applause ] we're going to have some happy news to start us off tonight. chelsea clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. [ cheers and applause ] great news. the baby is expected to crawl after 9 months and run in 2055. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that's expected. that's just what's expected. yesterday as i'm sure you know, was 4/20.
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april 20, 4/20. [ cheers ] and this weekend, over 37,000 people went to denver to participate in the fourth annual cannabis cup. [ light laughter ] and they all made memories that would last a few minutes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] for thhe next few minutes. the boston marathon was held today. [ cheers and applause ] this is a very sweet sorry. shortly after completing the marathon, a runner proposed to his girlfriend. he proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line. [ audience aws ] and then and only then did she give him the water bottle. [ laughter ] so it seemed like it might have been -- [ scattered applause ] -- a little bit of a quid pro quo. some basketball news. last week nba commissioner adam silver announced that he wants to raise the league's age
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minimum from 19 to 20, while the league's age maximum will continue to be kevin garnett. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] 20 to garnett. i could not believe this, but this is a true story. a california teenager is alive after he ran away from home and flew to hawaii in the wheel well of a plane. or as southwest airlines calls that, business class. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i will say, as someone who has flown in the wheel well -- [ light laughter ] -- they never come by with drinks. [ light laughter ] never. this is a weird little story. a florida man named edward cocaine -- [ light laughter ] a florida man named edward cocaine was arrested this week on a felony drug charge. the arrest was made by officer kevin policeman. [ laughter and applause ]
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this is crazy. i don't know if i want to believe this. this is crazy. several iphone users told "the daily mail" last week that they think they have found a photo of the loch ness monster in apple's maps app. [ light laughter ] apple is just happy someone found something -- [ laughter ] -- with their maps app. [ cheers and applause ] loch ness monster, nearest gas station, home address, as long as it's something. [ light laughter ] this is unfortunate. kraft is recalling 96,000 pounds of food because packages supposedly containing ordinary hot dogs were actually filled with cheese dogs. kraft is going ahead with the recall despite zero complaints. [ laughter ] [ applause ] what american would complain about free cheese? [ light laughter ] i think that's in the constitution. you're not to complain about
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free cheese. people died -- [ light laughter ] -- so that you wouldn't complain for free cheese. that was why we fought the revolutionary war. this is just nuts. a south carolina man told police he walked into a wal-mart naked because he accidentally smoked meth when he thought he was doing ecstasy. [ light laughter ] to make matters worse, his failed drug test means he'll have to forfeit his best dressed at wal-mart trophy. [ light laughter ] which is heart breaking. [ applause ] that's a heartbreak for that poor naked man at wal-mart. former mtv reality star tila tequila announced via selfie that she's ten weeks pregnant, which is the earliest anyone's life has been ruined by tequila. [ laughter ] [ applause ]
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i bet she grows up to be chelsea clinton's baby's running mate. [ laughter ] clinton/tequila. vote clinton/tequila. [ scattered applause ] today is the 25th anniversary of the nintendo game boy. wow, it's hard to believe. [ cheers ] it's hard to believe that my game boy has become a game man. ♪ cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪ [ laughter ] a connecticut senator was nearly hit by a train when he stood too close to the tracks while giving a speech about rail safety. [ light laughter ] after all, why give a speech when you can show a demonstration? [ laughter ] [ applause ] far more effective. far more effective. an alcohol expert -- an alcohol expert for the world health organization is claiming that drinking only becomes harmful
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when people consume more than a bottle of wine a day. but good news, here's the good news. they didn't say anything about how many boxes you can drink. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] once it's a box, infinite. and finally, competitive eater matt megatoad stoney set a new world record this week by eating 100 marshmallow peeps in two minutes and 10 seconds. [ audience ohs ] and to find out what happened after, just change the es in peeps to os. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, the 8g band. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are we, 8g band? is everybody well?
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it's good to see you after a week off. and joining us again, eleanor friedberger. welcome back. >> thanks, seth. thank you. >> seth: and you're here all week. >> all week. >> seth: it's so great to have you here all week. fred is not with us this week. [ audience boos ] i know, i think via e-mail, a very sparsely worded e-mail, he's on some sort of path to enlightenment. so i don't know. [ light laughter ] he'll fill us in on the details when he gets back. but again, it was like i said, very sparsely worded. it was only like three words but he said he's on a path to enlightenment in less than three words. so i drove to new england. today is patriot's day. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] which is a massachusetts holiday, and i grew up in new england and growing up there, i sort of knew, i was slightly aware that patriot's day was commemorating the battles of lexington and concord. but what i really knew from patriot's day was a few things happened. one, the boston red sox would play an 11:00 a.m. home game.
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so it was like morning baseball, which is really exciting. and that the boston marathon would be run. well, today, the boston marathon was run. and while i am sad to say that the boston red sox lost 7-6, i am happy to say, and far more importantly, the boston marathon was run without incident today, which of course is incredibly important. [ cheers and applause ] after the events of last year. so we hear at "late night" would just like to congratulate the runners, the organizers, the volunteers and everyone who made today a safe celebration of an incredible city that showed its strength and resiliency last year. so give it up for boston and the boston marathon. [ cheers and applause ] so i was in massachusetts this weekend. i went on vacation with my wife and her family, and we had a great time. i love my wife's family and i know it seems like i'm making a joke when i say that, but i truly -- [ light laughter ] i truly do love them, and i want to say the as much as possible because let's be honest, it's not going to last. [ laughter ] but i love them, it's great. we're all in the honeymoon
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period, guys. [ light laughter ] that's why they call it that. so we were at a house near the beach and it's great. i like to be near beach as opposed to next to the beach. i don't love the beach. i know i'm in the minority. it's just given a choice, i would always rather stay inside and read a book. i think that's nicer. and also, there are books about beaches. so if you love it -- [ light laughter ] there's one called "the beach." there's one called "beaches." right there, that's two books. [ light laughter ] that's two right there. my wife is very outdoorsy and so one point her and her mother and her sister decided to go out to the beach with our dog, frisbee. our dog frisbee, seven pound italian greyhound, a perfect dog for manhattan. a less perfect dog for the rest of the world. [ laughter ] and i -- like i'm worried, because i have a seven pound dog, that something terrible is going to happen to it. like we were on the beach once and a woman walked by. i swear to god. we were on the beach with the dog and she walks by and she goes, "you should look out for hawks." [ laughter ] and i said, "why?" and she said, "cause a hawk, hawks will just come and grab a dog like that." [ laughter ] and i wanted to say, "well you
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ruined my day." [ laughter ] the rest of my day was just -- [ laughter ] so i always want to have frisbee on a leash. if not a leash, i'd like to have her wrapped in a blanket and clutched to my chest. [ laughter ] i would always like to it look like i was running out of a burning building with frisbee. [ light laughter ] my wife, on the other hand, believes that frisbee is a dog and the dog should live. i should say the dog prefers my wife to me. the dog thinks that i'm just, like, far too overbearing. my wife lets frisbee live, and she wants to live. she's a dog. who wouldn't want to live? every year she spends is like seven years. she has so much -- or a seventh of a year. one of them. [ light laughter ] whichever one of those equations makes living more important. so my wife takes her out to the beach, not on a leash. now here's the thing about frisbee. she hates other dogs. it's not her fault. she's not anti-social. it's just that when other dogs see a seven pound italian greyhound, they think they've seen a squirrel.
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[ laughter ] so as opposed to doing the sort of canine dance of sniffing the dog and letting the dog sniff you, they just run at frisbee full speed -- [ light laughter ] -- with the goal of clenching her in their jaws and shaking the life out of her body. [ audience aws ] yeah, exactly. that's why i want her on a leash. [ laughter ] so again, i wasn't there. but supposedly what happened was they're walking on the beach. frisbee's having the time of her life, sniffing dead crabs. she loves dead crabs. the deader a crab, the better for my dog. and all of a sudden, two dogs come bounding over this sand dune. and they couldn't be in a better mood because they've just seen a beach squirrel. [ laughter ] so, one of the rarest creatures on god's green earth. so they take off after frisbee. now frisbee runs as fast as she can. and i will say she's a greyhound. she's very fast. need i remind you, greyhounds are so fast, they named a bus after them. [ laughter ] they're bus fast. but because there were two dogs, frisbee was a little outmaneuvered. the dogs were sort of
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surrounding her, so she made a decision. and i should say the only thing that i believe my dog to like less than other dogs would be ocean. but frisbee did a quick recalculation and realized the ocean was her best way to get out of the path of these dogs. so frisbee ran into the ocean and started to swim as fast as she could. now again, she's not as fast a swimmer as a runner. there aren't greyhound boats. [ laughter ] there's a reason for that. and the other dog, frisbee probably thought, "oh, well no one would follow me into the ocean. the ocean is the worst place on earth." to other dogs, the ocean is great. that's probably why those dogs were there in the first place. so they jumped in after her at which point my wife, god love her, fully clothed, it's april, it's the atlantic ocean, ran into the water. [ audience aws ] yeah, heroic. [ applause ] ran into the ocean and grabbed frisbee and brought her home. now here's the thing. my wife did not want to admit that this all happened because again, we gave her a round of applause.
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she wouldn't have had to run into the ocean if the dog had been on a leash. [ laughter ] we'll leave that out. because when superman saves the day, it's not because he screwed something up early. [ laughter ] but she comes home and she walks in soaking wet from the waist down carrying a freezing dog, and walks in. i go, "what happened?" and here's what she said. she goes, "someone decided to go swimming." [ laughter ] and then left the room. i'm assuming to put frisbee in the dryer. [ light laughter ] but here's the thing. someone that is like freezing leaves out like every detail that mattered in that story. then her sister and her mom came in, and i asked them what happened with frisbee and they said, "what did alexi tell you?" [ light laughter ] which is a good way of saying, what alexi told you was not the full truth. [ laughter ] and here's what worked out in my favor is i actually thought something worse happened. i assumed my wife had taken the dog and like put her on a rock in the ocean to get like an awesome instagram picture --
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[ laughter ] -- and the dog had like fallen into the ocean. so that's what i accused her of. i'm like, "did you take an instagrapicture on a rock?" she's like, "no. that's not what happened. she was chased by two dogs into the ocean." but my wife saved her. so i'm so thankful for that and my wife is very brave and outdoorsy and i'm thankful for that. [ applause ] but again, if there are any kids watching, and if there's any message i can impart on you, nothing good happens at the beach. [ laughter ] you don't have to go there. you can just sit at home. and like i say, there's a book called "the beach." there's a book called "beaches." and if you don't like to read or know how to read, they're both movies. [ laughter ] we've got a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] senator john mccain is here. i'm so honored that he's joining us tonight. also joining us, from "billy on the street," billy eichner. [ cheers and applause ] and music from jason derulo. now, it is our first monday back from hiatus, and we thought we'd start off the week on a positive note.
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and in "late night" we believe no matter how different two things are, they can still have common ground. and to prove it, it's time once again for venn diagrams. ♪ >> seth: you all remember venn diagrams. we take two seemingly separate groups and find out what they have in common. easter was yesterday. so on one side we have chocolate easter bunnies. and on the other we have real housewives. [ light laughter ] and in the middle, we have things that are empty inside. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the housewives, interesting fact. the housewives they are hollow like easter bunnies but painted like easter eggs. [ laughter ] up next, on one side we have your friend who can burp the alphabet. on the other side, we have liam neeson. and in the middle we have men with a very particular set of skills. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] although i doubt burping the
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alphabet will help you get your daughter back. very important to point out. so last week "mad men" -- we love "mad men." "mad men" returned for the first half of its final season. they are splitting up the last season into two halves. so on one side we have the second half of the final season of "mad men." on the other, we have catholic girls. and in the middle we have, you have to wait before you get to see it all. if you've ever seen "mad men", you know you're eventually gonna get to see it. [ laughter and applause ] moving on, on one side we have things that are true about president obama's approval ratings. on the other side we have things that are true about a drunk girl's cell phone. not sure what's in the middle. we have they're in the toilet. [ laughter ] even worse. [ scattered applause ] that is the fourth time it's happened to becky's phone this month. [ light laughter ] becky, you have a problem. [ light laughter ] up next, on one side, we have beyonce. on the other side we have pants. and in the middle we have, oh,
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looks like they're running away from each other. [ laughter ] beyonce wants no part of pants and pants wants no part of beyonce. i, for one, am happy about that. moving on. on one side we have, things you say if you're married. on the other side we have, things you say if you work at burger king. [ light laughter ] and in the middle we have -- have it your way. [ laughter ] yeah. and finally on one side we have, things that are true about mickey rourke's face. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] going to be honest, based on the early feedback, he might not love this one. [ laughter ] on one side we have, things that are true about mickey rourke's face. on the other side we have, things that true about arby's roast beef. [ audience ohs ] i'm not sure what's in the middle. let's see. only 10% real meat. [ applause ] that's venn diagrams. we'll be right back with senator john mccain. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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so for the best devices the best network and for best results, use verizon. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everyone. my first guest was the republican party's nominee for president in 2008. now serving his fifth term as united states senator from arizona. please welcome senator john mccain. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> seth: so great to see you again. >> thank you, seth. it's been a while. >> seth: it's such an honor to have you here. >> it's been a while. i'm glad to be with you. >> seth: it's not that late. it's not that late. >> no. no. >> seth: um, now -- to the people at home, it's that late. but to us, we're full of vibrancy here. >> absolutely. >> seth: now, the first time we met -- >> the first time an american has won the boston marathon -- >> seth: yes! >> -- since 1983. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: what a year to do it. two hours and eight minutes, something like that. can you imagine? >> no. >> seth: unbelievable. >> i can't imagine. >> seth: i don't buy it. i think something's fishy. >> great for boston. i don't believe it. great for boston, great for america. >> seth: a great day. absolutely. now, 2002 we met, you hosted snl. >> yes. you really looked a lot younger then. >> seth: i did. [ laughter ]
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you, you look the same. i was watching tape, you look great. >> he's aged terribly. >> seth: i have. [ laughter ] i don't look as good -- >> you used to be very handsome back then. >> seth: i did, right? >> back then. >> seth: i was happier. i was happier. the pressure of having your show, it's just -- you just age immensely. now, 2002, you came and hosted the show. i had not -- you were the first politician, and i'm going to go out and say it, you were the best politician i worked with on the show. you were such a game -- >> the only politician. >> seth: the only. let me just say this, you were the only and by far the best. [ laughter ] you were such -- so game. and you did a sketch where you sang the songs of barbra streisand. do you remember this now? [ laughter ] and it was sort of poking fun at the fact that barbra streisand was often critical of how you would do -- how politicians do their jobs. >> absolutely. she's been a frequent critic, shall we say. >> seth: a frequent critic. [ laughter ] >> especially on the left. >> seth: yeah, yeah. >> she's not exactly a fan of -- >> seth: she's not a fan. but i thought this was a very good-natured way of approaching it. here's a clip of you doing the songs of barbara streisand.
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♪ >> all these songs and more available on "mccain sings streisand." [ laughter ] >> i've been in politics for over 20 years. and for over 20 years, i've had barbra streisand trying to do my job. so i decided to try my hand at her job. [ cheers and applause ] check out this classic. ♪ memories light the corners of my mind misty water colored memories of the way we were ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: just wonderful.
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>> you know, i still run into people that say they saw that skit. that was a long -- a long time ago. >> seth: when you sang "memories" in the studio, there was not a wet eye in the place. [ laughter ] >> you know, i never heard from barbra. i thought maybe she wanted -- >> seth: that's so strange. i thought you guys would go on the road together. >> you know how they do those duets? >> seth: yeah, exactly. now you -- you had a bigger impact on the history of political sketches on snl. because in 2008 you selected sarah palin as your running mate. >> yep. >> seth: which then became the most iconic impression in the history of political impressions on the show. >> and it made tina fey famous forever. >> seth: forever. [ cheers and applause ] >> forever. >> seth: did you know right away that she looked like tina or was it a thing you realized later? >> that's why i selected her. [ laughter ] >> it was pretty -- >> seth: and, you know, she was a great sport. sarah palin came on our show, played along. and then -- and this was one of my favorite moments in my time at the show. three days before the election, we write a sketch about you
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going on qvc trying to raise more campaign money. and you did a sketch with tina fey playing sarah palin. the two of you performed together. what -- when you were making that decision to come on three days before the election, was that a hard decision? was that an easy decision? >> no. look, if you're gonna -- the perks of campaigns is reaching people. what better way to reach particularly young voters than to be on "saturday night live"? just like being on this show. i don't think a lot of old geezers like me are watching, right? [ cheers and applause ] so, it's a way -- the hardest thing, i think, for a politician today, very honestly, is staying in touch with younger people and their hopes and dreams and their aspirations and what they're doing. and what their apps are and what their -- all this social networking was the major reason why president obama was reelected in 2012. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> they did a tremendous job with using all aspects of social networking, and it's amazing. and, my friends, it's working in
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countries around the world where people don't like the government that they have. so next time you're on your app, look for mccain.com. [ laughter ] >> seth: um, well, i hope you'll stick around. i have so much to ask you about -- you sort of touched on foreign affairs. there's so much to ask you about. we'll talk about ukraine when we come back? >> whatever you'd like. >> seth: all right. senator john mccain, we'll be right back with more after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ led to the one jobhing you always wanted. at university of phoenix, we believe every education- not just ours- should be built around the career that you want. imagine that. no one says to stop and see the roses,
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: we're back with senator john mccain, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] so, we were talking about social media before the break and you're active on twitter. and you recently tweeted that you have been sanctioned, and this is true -- >> yep. >> seth: you were sanctioned by russian president vladimir putin. >> he sanctioned me, which means no spring break in siberia. [ laughter ] >> seth: i know, i'm so sorry. heart breaking for you. it was all planned. >> and my secret campaign fund bank account in moscow is now frozen. [ laughter ] >> seth: so you can't -- so you seem pretty happy to get sanctioned. >> you know, it's amazing. it's not vladimir, i like to call him vladimir. [ laughter ] >> seth: sure, of course. yeah.
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>> doesn't vladimir understand that there is nothing that could do me more good politically than to be sanctioned by vladimir putin? [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> duh! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: were other -- were other non-sanctioned senators jealous of you? >> all of them. about 99. >> seth: people were trying to like stand close to your photos so they would get sanctioned. >> what do i have -- how can i insult vladimir so i can get sanctioned too, is what they would -- >> seth: obviously, you're no fan vladimir putin, but you've been very critical of the president and his handling of ukraine. a thing you talk about a lot is the idea of toughness and presenting a tough front when dealing with someone like vladimir putin. but, at the same time, like, how do you project this idea of toughness without being willing to go to war or have any sort of armed conflict, which it seems like no one wants. >> first of all, i think it's most important to understand vladimir putin for what he is. he's an old kgb colonel.
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who said, many times, the worst thing that happened in the 20th century was the break-up of the soviet union. and he wants to restore that. that's why he is doing what he's doing the things that he's doing. listen, russia is a gas station masquerading as a country. all it -- all he's got is gas and oil. and that's really all that is sustaining them. wait, i take that back. it is a gas station run by a mafia that is masquerading as a -- >> seth: yeah, because originally i thought it was a little rough. >> yeah, yeah. [ applause ] >> seth: i'm glad you softened it. >> so, so if we show strength, if we show steadfastness -- ronald reagan, peace through strength. peace through strength. and rather than let him think that he can get away with things like he's doing now. now he's got his thugs in eastern ukraine and they beat up people and they do -- now the question is, can the new government survive? look, the government they just got rid of, the guy in charge,
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yanukovych, he had a home worth $100 million with his own zoo in it. his son was a dentist. a billionaire. that's not a bad practice, of dentistry. >> seth: right. >> so, so it was a corrupt government. the people rose up. one of them, by the way, is heavyweight the champion of the world, vitali klitschko. one of the really neat guys i've ever met. [ applause ] and by the way, did you see saturday night, bernard hopkins, 49-years-old, wins. there's hope for us old guys, by the way. >> seth: great. because you're turning 49 next year, right? [ laughter ] >> actually i think that was during coolidge administration. when i turned 49. [ laughter ] >> seth: so what would you have -- >> teddy roosevelt. >> seth: what would you have the administration do differently? like how do you deal with someone -- >> right now, i'd be giving them some weapons with which to defend themselves. i would be taking other measures, such as giving them money that they need to get their economy back on track. we should be saying if they want to, they can be members of the european union.
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there's so many -- we're the strongest and most powerful and best nation in the world. [ cheers and applause ] and we can make him pay a price so that he is not guilty of these kinds of aggression. and we just had to be strong and steadfast. and if we aren't, then he will continue to kind of take advantage of us. we're not going to have world war iii. we're not gonna go back to the cold war, but we are going to have a very aggressive vladimir putin. >> seth: as someone with guns, just domestically, i would prefer the idea of more background checks when an american wants a gun. so it seems very -- i'm always scared about just sending guns to a place where we don't know them at all. [ laughter ] >> i think -- i think we could trust the government to give them to these people. just to defend themselves, that's all i'm talking about. finally just one word. syria. 150,000 people have been massacred. atrocious things are going on by this guy, bashir assad. the russians, by the way, are sending them weapons.
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among their other misbehavior. and my friends, say a prayer for the syrians and ask everybody if we could help them. it's really tough. when you go to a refugee camp and you see these thousands of kids running around, it's really awful and we should care what happens in syria. >> seth: i completely agree. [ applause ] thank you so much for being here. senator john mccain, everyone. such a pleasure. we'll be right back with billy eichner. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ toughyou're the only one bringing in the income, you know? that money, you're trying to stretch it as much as you can and as a parent you don't want to have to put any worry on your child. with american express serve, you have a full service prepaid account that helps you handle your money simply and affordably. all for just $1 a month. backed by the 24/7 service of american express. this is what membership is. this is what membership does.
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where's my phone? i can't find my phone. dad: hmm, let me call it. oh, there it is.
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call 1-800-dentist today. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is the creator and star of the very funny "billy on the street", which airs wednesday nights at 11:00 on fuse. let's take a look. >> miss, for a dollar, name a strong black woman. go. >> oprah. >> yes, take it. take it. i'm going to ask you another question. are you ready? >> i don't know. >> which is more whimsical, kristin chenowerth's twitter feed or a tampon from tinker bell's purse? >> which is more what? >> whimsical. >> i guess a tampon. >> yes, correct. there you go. for another dollar. are you ready? >> yes. >> what is this? >> this is "billy on the street." >> okay. >> do you ever watch it? >> no. >> excuse me! excuse me! you don't watch my show? watch my show!
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>> sir, for a dollar, hug me if you're not sure if donald sutherland is alive. okay. thank you so much. here you go. thank you. >> good bye. >> seth: please welcome, billy eichner! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: now it sounds like you have nothing but fans in the audience. >> oh, thank you, guys! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: congratulations on season three, right? >> thank you, thank you. you were on season three of my show. >> seth: i was on season three. it was right outside the building and it was raining. >> it was raining and you were kind enough to still play with me in the rain. >> seth: it was really fun. we had a great time. >> yes. and then a security guard from here at 30 rock pushed us off the street and said we couldn't film there. which really speaks to your power here at nbc. [ laughter ] >> seth: exactly. >> i had to cross the street! >> seth: we had to cross the street. and do you remember the worst part? do you remember when he brought his dog back over? >> then his dog came and he ruined our next shot. and the dog, like pooped in the
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shot. >> seth: yeah. he very calmly stood there looking at us while his dog like pooped in the shot. it was really rough. now, for anyone who is unenlightened, and obviously this is a very intelligent group of people, what -- how would you describe your show to those who haven't seen it? >> "billy on the street" is like "cash cab" on cocaine, basically. [ laughter ] >> seth: yes. >> it's like, i hit the streets of new york, totally unscripted. i ambush new yorkers with various subjective and factual pop culture questions. >> seth: yes. >> and if they agree with my opinion, they win a dollar. or if i like them, they win. if i don't like them i take the money away, as you saw. you never know what's gonna happen. >> seth: um and you -- i feel like there are a lot crazy people running around and screaming at you in new york city. you were the one person who turned it into an industry. >> right, well, usually the crazy people are homeless and begging you for money. i'm crazy, but i'm giving you money. >> seth: yeah, there you go. >> so that's a nice twist. >> seth: you turned it on its head. >> yeah. >> seth: now, i'm sorry to bring up "cash cab." 'cause you were nominated for a daytime emmy for best gameshow host. >> yes. last year. and i lost to the "cash cab" guy.
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[ laughter ] yeah, so he can go [ bleep ] himself! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: i just, uh -- i just lost money. because i bet we were going to have to bleep senator mccain. >> by the way, i just downloaded senator mccain's app! >> seth: you did? >> i was watching backstage, and it's nothing like tinder. [ laughter ] and i was very disappointed. >> seth: got it. >> very disappointed. >> seth: now, i remember -- because you just first started doing this, you just went -- >> what'd you say? i really didn't hear you. >> seth: i know. >> you know i love you, by the way. >> seth: yes, i know. >> and you're doing so well and i'm so proud of you and i think the show's amazing. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you. and i'm proud of you. 'cause i remember, you first went out on the street and you were just doing this with a video camera, posting stuff online. >> yeah. >> seth: and i remember at snl, both amy poehler and rachel dratch were huge fans of yours. >> yeah, that's so nice. >> seth: and they would sort of just show it to all of us. but you at the time didn't know -- >> no.
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i was like a struggling comedian doing live shows in new york, and doing these videos and putting them on youtube and thinking, "no one knows me. no one likes this." and then years later, i found out people like you and amy and paul rudd were watching my videos, and i didn't know until years later. so, you never know who's watching. and i am so angry now, because i was like depressed and starving for ten years. and friggin' amy poehler took five years to pick up a phone. [ laughter and applause ] i had no health insurance! >> seth: so you had -- we're right down the hall from snl. you had a brush with snl when you were very -- when you were a young man. >> yes. i emphasize a brush! >> seth: tell us about this brush. >> this is an amazing story, actually. i've never told on it tv. i'm so excited. i was a child actor in new york and i was a really fat, obese, gay jewish kid. [ cheers and applause ] really fat, okay? and i got a call from my manager. i didn't work much. you know, too fat. >> seth: right. [ laughter ]
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>> so, it wasn't pretty. i didn't work much. so, my manager calls me. an amazing opportunity. you don't even have to audition. they want you to play a john goodman's son in a sketch on "saturday night live." and, by the way, as excited as i was, what every insecure 12-year-old wants to hear is that you look exactly like john goodman. [ laughter and applause ] okay? >> seth: he's a young john goodman. >> a young john goodman sounds pretty hot to me, seth. all the young gay guys want a young john goodman type. but i was excited. and i came to do "saturday night live" thinking i would play john goodman's son in a sketch and i did, but it turned out there were 30 of us. 'cause they need 30 little fat kids who looked like john goodman. and although i was fat, i wasn't fat enough to be put in the front of the sketch. >> seth: that's heart breaking. >> it was heart breaking. >> seth: you think you're losing weight to get closer to showbiz and you should have been putting on a couple -- >> i wasn't fat enough, seth! when do you hear that? and, so, i was in the sketch but
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they stuck me on the staircase in the back of the sketch. and here's the thing -- >> seth: here we go. >> here i am, that's me when i was 12-years-old. >> seth: there we go. >> i'm in the -- [ laughter ] >> no, but hold on. wait. you see how fat the kids are in front? and i'm not that fat. look. there's chris farley, may he rest in peace, john goodman. i wasn't fat enough, so they stuck me on the stairs, but i could see -- i could see through the, what do you call it? the monitor. >> seth: yeah. >> that i wasn't really fully in the frame so i'm bending down so that i get on camera. >> seth: yeah, for your star time. >> look how fat this kid is. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: you know who that is? >> what? >> seth you know what that is now? >> i thought it was melissa mccarthy. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter ] >> seth: james franco. >> oh, that's james franco! he looks wonderful now. >> seth: he looks great. he looks great. >> we both lost a lot of weight! >> seth: so now you play these games on the street where you randomly quiz people. >> yes. >> seth: i would like to play a game with you real quick. we're going on put 30 seconds on
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the clock. >> yes. >> seth: this is very exciting. this is, uh -- the game we're going to play right now -- >> okay. >> seth: -- were these "billy on the street" games that you played -- >> on my show? >> seth: yes. or games that our show just made up. >> okay. >> seth: 30 seconds on the clock, please and away we go. black eyed peas or black guy who peed. >> my show, "billy on the street." >> seth: buzzfeed list or schindler's list. >> billy on the street game. >> seth: chicago bear or dead civil war soldier. >> no, i don't care about football. not me. >> seth: angry turds. >> angry turds. yes, with rashida jones, we played that. yes. >> seth: turds with friends. >> uh, no. shockingly no. not on my show. [ laughter ] >> seth: steve harvey or harvey milk. >> yes. billy on the street! >> seth: media mogal or rabbi. >> yes, with nas. he hates me. keep going! [ laughter ] >> seth: tv weatherman or yankee candle scent. >> no, we haven't played that one. >> seth: would lena dunham f that cartoon character. >> yes, i played that with you! >> seth: yes you did! give it up for billy eichner, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: very well done. very well done. you win a st. louis cardinals pencil because you don't like football. >> thank you!
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>> seth: billy eichner, everybody! check out "billy on the street" wednesday nights at 11 on fuse! we'll be right back with music from jason derulo. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ rl she makes underwater fans that are powered by the moon. ♪ she can print amazing things, right from her computer. [ whirring ] [ train whistle blows ] she makes trains that are friends with trees. ♪ my mom works at ge. ♪ ♪ everybody here got the lunchtime blues ♪ ♪ they need to be inspired something better than the rest. ♪ new lipton peach iced tea ♪ with that ham and cheese ♪ ♪ it tastes so sunshine-y [ carl ] ♪ drink it down and you'll believe ♪ ♪ the taste of peachiosity [ carl ] ♪ drink it down and you'll believe ♪ no one says to stop and see the roses, but to stop and smell the roses.
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because scent makes us feel like nothing else can. inspired by the best feelings in the world. glade ♪ why do results matter so much? it's probably because they are the measurement of everything we do. for a wireless company, results come down to coverage speed and legendarreliability. so go ahead, stream, game or video chat. that's why verizon built americas largest 4g lte network. because the only thing that really matters are the results you get. so for the best devices the best network and for best results, use verizon. jim's hair is perfect. so's his serve, and his mandarin [speaking mandarin] xieúxieú, hou chiú but like up to 90% of americans, jim falls short in
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> seth: my next guest has sold over 35 million singles worldwide and has over a billion views on youtube. here to perform the number one song in the country this week, "talk dirty", please welcome jason derulo. [ cheers and applause ] >> ladies and gentlemen, it's the biggest record in the world. >> give it up! >> jason derulo. >> get up. >> talk dirty. and it goes. like this. ♪ ♪ i'm that flight that you get on international first class seat on my lap girl riding comfortable ♪ ♪ cause i know what the girl them need new york to haiti i got lipstick stamps on my passport you make it hard to leave ♪ ♪ i been around the world don't speak the language but your booty don't need explaining all i really ♪ ♪ need to understand is when you talk dirty to me talk dirty to me talk dirty to me ♪ >> what you gonna do? ♪ talk dirty to me hey hey hey hey
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get jazzy on it ♪ ♪ you know the words to my songs no habla ingles ♪ ♪ our conversations ain't long but you know what is ♪ ♪ i know what the girl them want london to taiwan i got lipstick stamps on my passport i think i need a new one ♪ ♪ been around the world don't speak the language but your booty don't need explaining all i really ♪ ♪ need to understand is when you talk dirty to me hey hey hey hey hey talk dirty to me talk dirty to me ♪ ♪ talk dirty to me baby ♪
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♪ ♪ uno met your friend in rio dos she was all on me-o ♪ ♪ tres we can menage a three though quatro ooh ♪ ♪ go to work c'mon go to work c'mon go to work c'mon ♪ ♪ ♪ been around the world don't speak the language but your booty don't need explaining all i really ♪ ♪ need to understand is when you talk dirty to me talk dirty to me talk dirty to me ♪ ♪ hey hey hey hey talk dirty to me baby get jazzy on it ♪ ♪ what i don't understand ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: jason derulo! the album "talk dirty" is available now. you can see them perform at the 2014 billboard music awards, sunday, may 18th on abc. stay tuned for more "late night." [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to senator john mccain, billy eichner, once again jason derulo. [ cheers and applause ] and of course the 8g band.
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stay tuned for "carson daly." we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> carson: hey, what's up everybody? i'm carson daly. welcome to "last call." tonight's lineup, the blank tapes from the troubadour. we got "the 12 o'clock boys" in our "spotlight." and right now an american hero visits "last call." joel lambert is a former navy seal who brings his unique skill set to discovery channel. in "lone target," he engages in a real life game of cat and mouse as he attempts to outrun the world's finest military and law enforcement agencies. from la belle at the hollywood tower, this is joel lambert. >> it's been a total shift for me to have to explain what i'm

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