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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  April 19, 2017 12:37am-1:38am PDT

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- dax shepard. host of "kicking and screaming," hannah simone. music from hey violet. featuring the 8g band with charlie benante. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meys. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. the kremlin today dismissed allegations of russia interference in the election, and so did the gremlin. [ laughter ] president trump signed a funding bill today that supports nasa's efforts to explore deep space
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and lay the ground work for a human mission to mars. "ooh, me first!" said one volunteer. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] passengers on foreign airlines traveling to the u.s. from ten airports in muslim majority countries have been barred from carrying electronic devices larger than a cell phone. seems extreme, but it's worth it if it stops even one tourist from taking pictures with an ipad. [ laughter and applause ] has to stop. it has to stop. ivanka trump is reportedly getting an office in the white house in addition to security clearance and government-issued communication devices. even more unbelievable, so is donald trump. [ laughter and applause ] an office? in the white house. [ light laughter ] according to reports, ivanka trump's role in the white house will be to act as president trump's eyes and ears,
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while mitch mcconnell will continue to be the neck. [ light laughter ] "i have enough -- i have enough neck for both of us, mr. president. and my neck will be at your neck and call." [ laughter ] supreme court nominee neil gorsuch said during his confirmation hearing today that he would have no difficulty ruling against president trump, which is bad news for trump because he has a pretty big impeachment trial coming up. [ laughter ] hearings for donald trump's supreme court nominee neil gorsuch began this week, and congress has been looking into gorsuch's legal career to try and determine what kind of justice he'll be. but we think to get a sense of who someone is, you need to look at their entire career. so we took the liberty of digging up the rest of his work history. here are some other jobs neil gorsuch has had. understudy for trivago guy. [ light laughter ] handsome man who comes with picture frame.
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[ laughter and applause ] tough but fair high school basketball coach who takes urban high school all the way to a state championship. [ applause ] happy man in second half of a cialis commercial. [ laughter ] anderson cooper's straight twin. [ audience ohs ] guidance counselor who's very disappointed in you. [ light laughter ] man who gives out raisins at halloween. and, finally, merrick garland impersonator. [ audience ohs ] this has "other jobs neil gorsuch has had." [ cheers and applause ] north korea today described its nuclear program as "a treasured sword of justice," which is the same term kim jong un uses to describe his cheese knife. [ light laughter ] a lot of your fans here tonight, pal. [ light laughter ] a man recently created a sex robot called silicon samantha
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that can switch between family mode and sex mode. and i'm guessing that man doesn't have either one. [ laughter and applause ] today was bread day, so i'd like to propose a toast. [ audience groans ] [ laughter and applause ] yeah! yeah! [ cheers and applause ] 'cause guess what? that's the one you're going to remember. [ laughter ] the next bread day, when that rolls around -- [ audience ohs ] -- and you're using it at work and getting a big laugh, you'll remember me. [ light laughter ] finally, according to the american kennel club, the labrador retriever was voted the most popular dog breed of 2016. unfortunately, this dog won the electoral vote. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight.
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[ cheers and applause ] he is one of the stars and the director of the film "chips." dax shepard will be joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] she's the host of "kicking and screaming" on fox. hannah simone joins us this evening. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from a great l.a. pop band, hey violet. [ cheers and applause ] so that's all very exciting. before we get to that, white house press secretary sean spicer has been holding a lot of press briefings lately, but i don't think all the questions america wants answers to have been asked, so we decided to hold another one right here, right now. that's right. sean spicer and the late night press corps are in our studio and ready to go. so without further ado, it's time for the "late night" white house press briefing. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: mr. spicer. mr. spicer. mr. spicer. yes, thank you. seth meyers, "late night with seth meyers." mr. spicer, we're now 60 days into the president's term. how long does it feel like
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you've been doing this? >> for, you know, over a decade. [ light laughter ] >> seth: how hard is it to get president trump's hair ready in the morning? >> it's like building a puzzle. [ light laughter ] >> seth: mr. spicer, you've been quoted as saying "the house drools." do you have anything to add to that? >> the senate rules. [ light laughter ] >> seth: okay. is it true that president trump still thinks elvis is alive? >> i think the president had a call earlier with the king, a couple of weeks back. [ laughter ] >> seth: bernie sanders continues to be a voice of opposition to the trump presidency. when do you think bernie will retire? >> seth: on his 250th birthday. [ cheers ] [ laughter ] >> seth: what sentence have you had to say the most since taking this job? >> the president will travel to mar-a-lago for the weekend. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: and i always wondered, what does mar-a-lago translate to in english? >> where money is being wasted. >> seth: ah, okay. [ cheers and applause ]
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wasted. what do you think it felt like to be on the titanic when it hit that iceberg? >> make no mistake, we're on it right now. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter and applause ] there is a lot of female nudity in movies and on tv. i think it's only fair that there should be more male nudity. what do you think? >> and i think the sooner that we can get all those prongs out there, the better. i agree with you. [ light laughter ] >> seth: you call them prongs. i think that's weird. [ light laughter ] is the president mentally ill or just terribly unqualified? >> combined. both of those things together. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i heard you like to take lsd before press briefings. why is that? >> it makes it seem like it's all rainbows and puppies. [ laughter ] >> seth: are you going to prom this year?
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>> i -- i don't have a date. [ laughter ] [ audience aws ] >> seth: but if you could choose anyone, who would your dream date be? >> the deputy crown prince and minister of defense of the kingdom of saudi arabia. >> seth: oh, okay. [ light laughter ] very specific. what do you call that thing runners do before a race? >> i think that -- that would be a stretch. >> seth: yeah, that's right. [ light laughter ] how many undigested pieces of gum are in your stomach at any given time? >> you know, 218, 219. [ light laughter ] >> seth: here's one for you. why do the guards in front of london's big ben always look so tired? >> they are working around the clock. [ laughter ] >> seth: nice one, spicy. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] you know it was good. you know it was good. after doing this job, do you have any conscience or morality left? do you still have a soul? >> uh, that's a good question. i don't. [ laughter ] >> seth: no.
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and in closing, i would like to end on the same question i always ask. how is the president's penis? >> historically faulty. >> seth: oh, yeah? [ laughter and applause ] what -- what happened? >> the snowstorm kind of shifted a bunch of stuff up. [ audience ohs ] >> seth: well, it looks like we're out of time, so on behalf of the rest of the press corps, have a good night. we'll be right back with dax shepard. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ dog whimpers ] man: let's go! man #2: we're not coming out! man #1: [ sighs ] flo: [ amplified ] i got this. guys, i know being a first-time homeowner is scary, but you don't have to do this. man #2: what if a tree falls on our garage? woman: what if a tornado rips off our roof? flo: you're covered. and you've bundled your home and auto insurance, so you're saving a ton. come on. you don't want to start your new life in a dirty old truck. man #3: hey. man #1: whoa, whoa. flo: sorry. woman: oh. flo: you're safe. you're safe now. woman: i think i'm gonna pass out. can you stop using the bullhorn? flo: i don't make the rules.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back, everybody. please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight on drums, from one of the big four pioneers in thrash metal, anthrax. his new album "for all kings" is out now along with a u.s. tour kicking off next week at the wellmont theater in montclair, new jersey. charlie benante, everybody. give it up for charlie. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for being here man. our first guest tonight is a talented actor you know from the nbc series "parenthood" and films like "hit-and-run" and "baby mama." he wrote, directed, and stars in the new action comedy "chips" which is in theaters friday. let's take a look. >> once you drag me there, you're gonna have to lift me up into the tub anyway. >> oh god. >> so just grab me and get it over with. >> fine, fine. >> ow. god you're hurting me man. >> let's just get it over with. >> you're making it worse!
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>> come on! >> i'm not going to argue semantics with you. oh my god, dude. >> did you break anything? >> no. >> hey, man. did uh -- did i feel you face plant into my pubic bone? >> no, no, no there was no contact. >> are you sure? i could have swore i felt either your nose or your lips. >> no, nothing touched, bro. nothing touched. might have been a little bit of contact. [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome to the show, dax shepard, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? >> i'm good. >> seth: that's great. >> what a raucus bunch. >> seth: it's a raucus crowd. >> yeah. >> seth: and a little drama on your way here tonight.
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>> yeah, we were -- or the premier was last night in la. >> seth: yeah. >> and then so i took the 7:00 a.m. flight, and they're, like, "it'll be fine. you're going to have a full hour to, you know." and then the flight was a half hour late, and then on the ride in right before the 59th street bridge, a gal just torpedoed in to the side of the car and then drug along the entire length of the suburban and then kept going. so then we had to, like, get up next to her. and i rolled down the window, i was, like, "you very much just ran into us." and she was -- i don't want to offend anyone, but it felt like a millenial reaction. she just goes -- like, "no, i didn't," and tough. and then i had to, like, take a picture of her license plate and then finally she pulled over. so i basically solved a crime on the way here. >> seth: wow! >> but that left me -- that left me with about 30 seconds to get this suit on and my hair. so guys, if my hair doesn't look on point tonight -- >> seth: yeah. >> cut me some slack. >> seth: yeah, cut some slack. >> yeah. >> seth: it seems very fitting that you would solve a crime on the road. >> too appropriate almost.
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almost feels stunted, doesn't it? >> seth: yeah. >> suspicious. >> seth: it's like this is the -- >> yeah. >> seth: i feel like the hollywood studio floor routine. >> and then i had to commandeer a motorcycle and chase her. >> seth: wait a second. >> yeah! >> seth: wait a second. >> yeah! when she saw me, she was, like, "john baker!" >> seth: were you a huge "chips" fan growing up? was that a thing? >> yeah, i mean, i was 2 when the show came out. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. >> seth: i was i guess -- i feel like i may be like four or five years older than you. >> are you two years older than me? >> seth: i'm 43. how old are you? >> that makes me feel better i'm 42. >> seth: okay, so it was that -- we were that young, when it came out? >> we were two and three respectively when it came out, and then eight and nine when it went off the air. >> seth: that is -- >> guys, i was a mathlete. [ laughter ] i can crunch numbers like that all night long. >> seth: yeah. >> so as a two-year-old. >> seth: right. >> what i liked was, like, motorcycles and california. >> seth: yeah. >> i'm from detroit where it's gray and miserable eight months of the year. and you'd turn on this show, and it was like palm trees and bikinis and ponch was scoring all the time.
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and it just felt like another planet. >> seth: yeah, i feel like that was the appeal for most people. >> uh-huh. >> seth: i don't think, like, people reflect back on "chips" they're, like, "the character development." >> yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] well because there are some real die-hard fans. >> seth: yeah. >> that are just so offended that i, you know, dare make it r. >> seth: change anything? >> 'cause i haven't just done a shot for shot remake of the television show. >> seth: yeah. >> and i understand. you know? although i don't really understand. >> seth: yeah. >> but i'm saying that to appease them -- >> seth: to appease the super fans, right. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. well, remember back in the day like they did some data on rush limbaugh and howard stern, and they had equal amount of listeners who listened just because they hated them. >> seth: oh, interesting. >> you know what i'm -- >> seth: yeah. >> do you remember any of those statistics? and their response was always like, "well then, why do you listen?" it was like, "just to hear what he is going to say next." like it was the same motivation. so i guess i'm appealing in that way. like if you hate the movie, check it out. >> seth: right. [ laughter ] >> you know what i'm saying? >> seth: yeah. >> go in there and hate on it. >> seth: if you think you're gonna hate it -- >> live tweet it! >> seth: there's a lot for you. >> yeah! yeah, i encourage all of them to go out and live tweet the film.
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>> seth: you wrote and directed the film as well so -- >> i did. >> seth: and all the stunts were practical in this film. >> yes, i'm a big fan of "smokey and the bandit" and "hooper." >> seth: sure. >> and all those movies. again, i'm 42. is everyone clear on that? okay. >> seth: yeah. >> great. i'm old as hell. so yeah, i really like -- it was just a 12-year-old fantasy of mine to show up and like we blew things up all over l.a., and you know the police were there shutting down the roads, and i'd ride a wheelie by and they'd be like giving me the thumbs up. i mean the whole thing was a 12-year-old's dream come true. >> seth: you -- so the cops were pro you doing this film. obviously you're playing a cop in the film. >> yes. >> seth: they were excited to be a part of it. >> yes. >> seth: have you -- have all your run-ins with cops up to this moment been as positive as that? >> this favorable? no. i've had a lot of bad run-ins with them. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> people have said, like, "oh, did you do research for this movie?" and i'm, like, "yeah." [ laughter ] i've talked to dozens of them on the side of the highway in
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california. they are the politest police department, by the way. it's like getting pulled over by the canadians or something. >> seth: oh, really? >> it's just -- they're very nice. yeah. i recommend it. but i did have a very weird experience, very surreal. it was late one night. i, for a moment raced for lamborghini. >> seth: yeah. >> they lent me a lamborghini. if you're at home, i would hate my guts at this point. but anyways they lent me a lamborghini. >> seth: a loner. a loaner lamborghini. >> i had a loaner lamborghini. and i was at a stoplight, and i saw a cop pull up next to me, and it was late. so like my muscle memory was just don't look at them. >> seth: sure. >> so, no looking at them, but then i noticed their car's like revving. it's like [ car revving sounds ] and it's tilting. i'm, like, "what is going on?" so finally i look at them, and they're, like, "roll down your --" as if it had crank windows. [ laughter ] but that's still the sign, i guess. >> seth: that is still the sign. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: because nobody goes like -- >> this will always be telephone even though it doesn't make sense. >> seth: yeah. >> so yeah -- so, i roll down the window, and they go, "that
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thing as fast as your lincoln." which meant to me they had seen this movie i made "hit and run." >> seth: yeah. >> which is the car chase movie. and it has my old lincoln in it. and i go, "oh, it's much faster than the lincoln." they go, "prove it!" [ laughter ] and i'm, like, "i want to be ultra clear on this, you are telling me to do a whole shot from this stop light?" and they're, like, "come on, man! get on it!" and by god, i floored it to the next light like zero to 100. then next stoplight they rolled up. "that thing rips!" then they were revving the thing. i was, like -- i was -- waiting for kristen to like nudge me awake. >> seth: so this is your wife kristen bell and we actually -- the connection for us is that at college kristen's roommate is my sister-in-law. >> that's right. >> seth: ariel. >> so long -- i mean i knew you peripherally -- >> seth: yeah. >> i can't say that word. through like amy poheler, and stuff. >> seth: yes, of course. >> and we had met, but because of that connection of our wives and the way women talk to each other, i knew so much about you -- >> seth: yeah. >> prior to meeting you. >> seth: yeah.
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>> guys, seth is a gentle lover. >> seth: thank you. [ laughter and applause ] yeah. thank you. >> yeah. >> seth: because i can't say it. >> considerate. >> seth: yep. you're considerate. >> seth: yep. >> you're patient. >> seth: yeah. >> and you're gentle. >> seth: it is funny -- >> unless the situation calls for not being gentle. >> seth: well, yeah. >> and then he's a rough customer, guys. [ laughter ] >> seth: well because you have to switch it up. >> it's all on the menu. >> seth: in marriage -- >> that's what i like about you. it's like going to a spa where every service is available. >> seth: i -- [ laughter ] >> if you just read "fifty shades of grey." >> seth: yeah. >> you can do that. >> seth: i would say pages 72 to 115 is basically my life. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: that was -- >> well you had a pending lawsuit, didn't you? against -- >> seth: i don't think i'm going to win. >> no, no. >> seth: i'm going at it hard. i'm throwing a lot of money at it. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: but then the funny thing when you meet a guy -- >> did you hear anything about me? sorry to interrupt you. >> seth: oh, um -- >> no. that was a no. >> seth: i didn't really. >> okay, what were you going to say? [ laughter ] >> seth: but that is a funny thing because when you meet a guy who -- your wives know each other. >> yeah. >> seth: there's always that sense of, like, "hi.
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we've probably heard some stuff." >> yes. and we're expected to get along now. >> seth: yeah, we are. >> yes. >> seth: we'll probably have dinner this week now that you're in town, i'm looking forward to that. >> oh, yeah, yeah absolutely. i mean i do genuinely like you. >> seth: hey, i genuinely like you too. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. you're one of the good guys. >> seth: thank you. [ laughter ] >> and you're smart. and when smart people win, it's so exciting. >> seth: thank you. >> because it's so rare. >> seth: it is so rare. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: i did though -- not through my wife, but i did hear something about you through my sister-in-law. because she's an interior designer. >> mm-hmm. >> seth: and i know she's done work for you guys. >> yeah. >> seth: and when you -- >> if the lamborghini story didn't turn you off, we also have had some interior design work done on the house. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> #whitepeopleproblems >> seth: yeah. >> hashtag, "samsung appliance people problems." yeah. >> seth: yeah. but you -- >> tell them about that briefcase of money i have at my house. >> seth: wait, you just found it! >> yeah, yeah, yeah! >> seth: you found it in the road -- those cops gave it to you. >> i was like i can't -- i don't even have time to count this! [ laughter ] >> seth: but you -- when kristen
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first met you, you had in your home -- >> oh this is humiliating. >> seth: you had photos of yourself all over the walls. >> only in retrospect is it so glaringly obvious that it was a very douchey thing to do. but here's the thing, i had dreamed of being an actor, for a very long time. >> seth: of course. >> it took me ten years to get work, so and i was in these movies that i like. i was in "idiocracy" and they sent me all these really cool stills from the movie. and they were neat. like the set design was cool and everything. so i lived by myself in a house. i was supposed to hang things on the wall. that's what you do. so i hung a lot of these photos on the wall. [ laughter ] and i think on kristen's first visit to my house, she was like, looking around she goes, "a whole lot of pictures of yourself on the wall here." [ laughter ] because in my mind i wasn't the focal point of those pictures. it was a like a mike judge movie. >> seth: sure. >> it was still terrible. >> seth: yeah. it may have not -- >> i didn't have -- i was lonely. i didn't have kids -- >> seth: they didn't make the cut. they're not in the new house. >> the kids? oh, oh. [ laughter ] yeah, yeah. >> seth: you had to choose.
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>> the kids are actually with mike judge. >> seth: oh, gotcha. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: you got the pictures. i also -- but i want to thank you. because you were supposed to be on the show on wednesday, and you made it here today, and i want to thank you for that. >> yes. even more unbelievable than the getting hit story. so i was supposed to be on wednesday, and then i got a call from my publicist that said, "they got a bigger guest and so you got bumped to tuesday. can you now fly out." and in my head i'm like, "i get it man. tom cruise is selling something, or --" >> seth: mm-hmm. >> so i get home that night and kristen goes, "hey, i'm doing seth on wednesday. what day you are you doing it?" [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: it's true. >> my wife -- my wife bumped me! >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. >> seth: i don't think in the history of show biz. wife-bump. >> yeah, because i don't know in the brad pitt, angelina who bumps who? >> seth: who bumps who? >> i assume brad -- i don't know. i just can't keep track of the star meters. they change so much! >> seth: but you also -- but she'll be out here talking about "chips" as well, she plays your
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wife in "chips." is it obvious to you when you're casting? did you immediately think, "oh i'll put kristen in this part?" >> well no, in the past, i have written roles just for her. but i wrote -- this person in the movie is a terrible dirt bag. >> seth: a really terrible, bad person. >> yeah. she's a bad, bad person. >> seth: yeah, no gray area. >> she's no seth meyers. >> seth: thank you. [ laughter ] >> so of course, i did not think of my wife for the role because she's so innately loveable. but she read it and she thought it was really funny, and she wanted to play it. and i said, "well hon, i thought i was gonna -- i'd hire ourselves an unlikable person. you're very likeable." compounding, the issue. at the end what's supposed to be satisfying is i tell her, like, "get lost." >> seth: right. >> and i said, "if these refrigerator sales tell us anything it's that america wants us together." >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> is this going to be a satisfying ending? >> seth: yeah. >> are we going to get sued by samsung? >> seth: right. >> these are all thoughts i had. but she did amazing, and she's very unlikeable. it's even more funny that's she's unlikeable because she's so loveable. and she bumps her husband from talk shows. [ laughter ] >> seth: you have two kids as
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well. >> we do. >> seth: one of your kids is named lincoln. this is how much you like cars. >> yes. >> seth: yeah. >> yes, yes. >> seth: and do they -- they're both girls, is that correct? >> both girls, yes. >> seth: do they enjoy being behind the wheel with you? >> they do. so we send them to a very hippie like preschool where they're nude all day. >> seth: yeah. >> and they paint with their bodies and stuff. [ laughter ] >> seth: sure, sure. >> sincerely, i'm the least cool dad there. when i show up i have the least amount of tattoos, the shortest hair. so i feel like as a counter measure to that, i have to take them to terrible places. so we go to the sand dunes on all of our vacations to go off-roading. >> seth: right. >> aren't i a dream boat? i have pictures of myself hanging all over the house. you have to vacation -- i'll name our kids after a car. but yes, we go to the sand dunes, a ton. and i have a dune buggy, and that's our family vacation. >> seth: and this is -- do you have daughters in the car, for this? >> yeah, so i have car seats strapped to the back. [ laughter ] i strap their car seats into the five-point harness, and then the car seats have a little harness, and they have these cute ear
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muffs, and then the girls know, this is faster, this is slower. >> seth: and do they do this? >> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. they kind of drive. >> seth: oh, that's great. >> they find it very amusing to do this nonstop. >> seth: that's fantastic. >> and then i have to adjust. but yes, i think it will equal out to one normal person. >> seth: all right, perfect. >> right. >> seth: i wish you the best. >> fingers crossed. >> seth: congrats on the movie. thank you again for taking being bumped so well. >> yes, yes, yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: and give it up for dax shepard, everyone. "chips" opens in theaters on friday. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ take on the mainstream. introducing nissan's new midnight edition.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. i don't know, but are you guys familiar with these dog-shaming websites? what it is, is people take a picture of their dog looking guilty next to a little sign that says what the dog did. here's an example. "i ate my daddy's $300 sunglasses." [ audience aws ] pretty cute. yeah, exactly. here's another one.
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"i enjoy digging the flowerbeds up and eating mulch because i'm bored." adorable. these are all minor offenses. after searching around the internet we found some website featuring dogs that have done much, much worse things. we'd like to show them to you know, in a segment we call "extreme dog shaming." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: all right, let's take a look at our first dog. oh, he looks adorable. can't imagine he'd do anything too bad. "i bring my bike on the subway." just don't. just bike there. [ light laughter ] who's next? oh, hello, miss. and what did you do? "i comment on my ex's instagram so his new girlfriend can see." [ laughter and applause ] bad dog. he's trying to move on and build a new thing. who's next? [ audience aws ] aw, this guy couldn't have done anything too bad. "all my owner's commands are fake news." [ laughter and applause ] bad dog. who's next?
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what did you do, little guy? "i picked the south carolina gamecocks to upset duke because i knew south carolina would be able to expose duke's weaknesses." nothing wrong with that. [ light laughter ] oh, wait. sorry, there's more. "just kidding, i picked them because they have cock in their name." [ laughter and applause ] who's next? aw, she is too cute. "at the bar on st. patrick's day i kept ordering rose." [ laughter ] it's not the day for that. who's next? what did this guy do? "i use the microwave to spy on the cat." [ laughter and applause ] why? to what end? to what end? who's next? what did he do? "i ask people if they can borrow me a pencil?" [ laughter ] who do we have next? [ audience aws ] i like this fuzzy little fellow. "i take personal calls in the
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office where i shout at my children." who's next? adorable. adorable! let's see. "when i see a sleeping baby on a plane, i yell, 'wake up!'" [ laughter and applause ] bad dog. who is up next? [ audience aws ] oh, this one is the best. "based on zero evidence whatsoever i claimed that the former president of the united states wiretapped my doghouse." [ cheers and applause ] i mean, if he believes it, why shouldn't we? who's next? oh, wait a minute. this is my dog, frisbee. [ audience aws ] frisbee, what did you do? "i squat when i pee just like my owner." [ laughter and applause ] just -- i have a knee issue. all right, that was extreme dog shaming. we'll be right back with hannah simone, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back. everybody our next guest is a talented actress you know from the popular series "new girl." she hosts the survival competition show "kicking and screaming" which airs thursday nights on fox. please welcome to the show hannah simone, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> seth: how are you? >> i'm good. how are you? >> seth: i'm very good. it's wonderful to have you here. >> thank you. it's first time. >> seth: it is the first time to have you here. thank you so much for making the trip. >> yeah, of course. >> seth: so this show is a -- it pairs novices with survivalists and takes them out into the jungle. is that an accurate description of it? >> very accurate description. >> seth: thank you. >> yeah, you've done my job for me. so i'm going to go. >> seth: okay, great. [ laughter ] >> it's great, that's the show. >> seth: thank you. i'll continue to talk about it while you go. it takes place in fiji. >> yes. >> seth: you usually hear about fiji as sort of a honeymoon destination, a romantic get-away. this is not the fiji where this show takes place. >> no, no, no. so fox called me and they said we're shooting this great series. we'd love for you to host it. it's in fiji. i'm like packing my bags, bikinis, let's go. this is amazing. and then i landed, and i was, like, "i should have checked my contract." because i am now deep in the jungle, and i thought i was just hosting this show and not competing on this show. >> seth: like you were -- you spent a lot of time personally in the jungle. >> yeah, yeah.
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jungle with a capital "j." like, the jungle. there was no honeymooning, like, life experience for me at all. >> seth: but like people breaking up. so like that was that kind of jungle. >> yeah, exactly. [ laughter ] >> seth: so you -- so you posted this on instagram, and this looks like a person just on vacation, like drinking a drink at a -- there seems to be some medical staff down here dealing with your leg. >> yeah. i don't know if you can see it, but there's a good portion of my leg just covered in a massive and ever growing bite. so -- >> seth: what bit you? >> i don't know. whatever it did, didn't stop and give me it's name and social. >> seth: so it was the kind of -- right, okay, gotcha. [ laughter ] >> it just kept moving. >> seth: yeah. >> so, yeah, so i shot for the first day, and then i made the mistake of looking down at the jungle floor and seeing all the bugs, the snakes, the creatures, and i was like -- [ nervous laughter ] [ laughter ] >> seth: you went the whole day without looking down until that moment? >> i was there. i was, like, fine. it's like, okay i'd like look up, it's great. and i looked down and i was, like, "okay, all right." took my bag to the hotel and had
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a quick call with the producers and i said how do you feel about me hosting in a hazmat suit because this is real, and they said not our first choice. understandable. so i kind of built my own hazmat suit. so i would wear like three pairs of tights, a pair of pants, long sleeve shirts, a scarf, and i was, like, i'm good. and then i came back to the hotel on day two, which is when this happened, stripped down, and i was covered in probably about 300 bites. >> seth: oh my goodness. >> all over my body. >> seth: oh, no. >> i don't know how they got in there, how they do what they do. and it's my greatest fear is to be bitten by all of these bugs. so i thought i would go into like a loud screaming hysteria, but when real, real terror hits you, you just stop breathing. >> seth: oh, okay. [ laughter ] >> yeah. so i just -- i became completely paralyzed.
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i remember i was, like, okay. so i put that dress on. because it's hot in fiji, and i went down to the hotel bar. i walked up to the bar, and i was, like, "can i get four shots of whiskey please?" [ laughter ] and the man lined them up. "thank you." i sat down. i just started to knock them back slowly and nobody was saying anything until they started to look at my leg, and all of a sudden panic ensued around me of, like, "oh god." >> seth: by the way, you could panic if you see someone order four shots of whiskey. [ laughter ] >> like, that's a sign. >> seth: like even before -- they were like, well they might have not stopped panicking because they were like, we thought she had a serious drinking problem. [ laughter ] as the host of the show you did have a hotel bar to go back to. >> yes. >> seth: that was not true of the contestants, correct? >> no, no. >> seth: did they have a resentment towards you for the fact that you got to do this? >> so the -- the first week we were cool. like everybody is cool. they're, like, i'm on a tv show. it's great. and i'm, like, me too. great. we're all like in it together. we're figuring it out.
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and then by about week two and a half or so of shooting i would go to get in the van to go the two and a half hours back to where the hotel was, and as i'm getting in the van, you just hear the contestants, they were like, "well enjoy the hotel room, i guess, nice shower." and i'm, like, "oh, okay." so i was just like -- creeping to the van. and then by about the third week the producer would like grab me as soon as i was coming out of the van and was like, "did you eat this morning?" and i was like, yeah, i had breakfast. she was like, "don't breathe near them. they'll attack you, okay? [ laughter ] so just be very careful." and i was like, oh gosh. okay. like yeah. i mean what they were experiencing was super intense. >> seth: wow. >> so yeah. day by day they grew more rabid and fierce. [ laughter ] >> seth: they -- it's an eclectic group of contestants, and you have a background with sort of people from all different walks of life because you grew up in multiple places. name some of them. you were in canada. >> i lived in canada, saudi arabia, india, cyprus.
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my family -- >> seth: by the way, i can't believe i opened with canada. like -- [ laughter ] you have lived in some of the most exotic places. >> yeah, i know. vancouver -- >> seth: calgary -- [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: so -- and you traveled around. so you lived in all these places. how long were you in saudi arabia? >> i was in saudi for about four or five years, and then this man saddam hussein, he invaded this country called kuwait. >> seth: hold on. i'm behind on my news. [ laughter ] >> and so that kind of changed things for our school plans for my parents, and so that's when we left saudi. >> seth: but were -- when you were in school in saudi, were you -- did you know you wanted to be an actress then? was that something that was important to you? >> i became an actor more, like, originally because of a, like a hack of how to fit into schools. so we would move schools every few years. in high school i did four years and four schools and four different countries. >> seth: wow. >> which, high school already is like hard enough as it is. and so you kind of like, you
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know, you land in this at school and you think i'm only going to be here a year. you got to suss things out really quickly. like, oh, "i'm going to have a crush on you. i'm going to hate you. you're going to be my best friend." like you got to like, figure it out. [ laughter ] you don't have all of high school to do this, right? day one, you sort it out. you know. and then as you start to like kind of build your squad or your crew together, it's hard with, like, 300 people in front of you. so you would join a club. that was like the secret. >> seth: got it. >> but you kind of want to join one where you have like a little bit of skill. so if you can't sing, don't join choir because that's going to be awkward for you. so i was, like, well, okay, choir is out. dance is out. not a mathlete like dax. so i'm like -- [ laughter ] all right. what can i do? i'm, like, oh, i can pretend to be someone else. brilliant. what is this drama club? and so i would join the drama clubs at every school, and i would have the group of, like, 20 like-minded people. which was a safer space -- >> seth: that's fantastic. and you -- where were you when you were trying to do music videos? i heard a story that you wanted to make music videos when you
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were young. >> yeah, so when i was -- it was like elementary school to middle school, and i was living in saudi, and it's an interesting place to grow up. like i think people have an idea what saudi arabia is like, but it's really a safe, beautiful place to raise your children. you have your house in, like, a compound of others houses with four walls. you don't have to worry about like stranger danger. there are no strangers. >> seth: right. >> like it's really safe. you know, there's no cars driving around your kids. and there's no tv and no cinema. nothing. so it's really just a kids imagination. and we had heard about music videos in america, so we would get our hands on like a michael jackson song or like a george michael song. >> seth: you would never see what a music video is. >> never see a music video. looked nice. so we were like, okay. we didn't realize that these people were like doing cool dance moves and singing to the camera. so we just thought it was, like, a literal reenactment of every lyric.
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and i remember george michael had that song "monkey." >> seth: yeah. >> so we just acted like a bunch of monkeys and like ran around and didn't realize it was shaking a drug addiction or whatever the song is really about. [ laughter ] it was like, "sure, okay." so we put on these like very literal things at the age of, like, nine. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah, those are our music videos. >> seth: well there you go. they must have been very popular. >> yeah, very popular. our parents thought they were great. yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: well, thank you so much for being here. it's a pleasure to meet you. congrats on the show. >> thank you very much. >> seth: hannah simone everybody. "kicking and screaming" airs thursday nights on fox. we'll be right back with more "late night." thank you, hannah. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ we are not here to observe, to sit idly by, or watch from the stands.
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red line, 20 minute delay. oh, no. (rhythmic clatter) can't get a signal? so annoying, right? yeah, and i'm late for a job interview. hey, man, can you just nix it, just for like two seconds? thank you. you need verizon. they have the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. it's made to work in places like this. with verizon unlimited, we could video chat the interview in hd right here. okay. hey, man, i'll cue you. (vo) when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. just $45 per line for four lines. i'm a people person. (drumming resumes)
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: tonight's musical guests are currently on a sold out north american tour. including a show in new york's gramerson theater tomorrow
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night. here to perform their smash single "guys my age" please welcome hey violet, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i haven't seen my ex since we broke up probably 'cause he didn't wanna grow up ♪ ♪ now i'm out and wearing something low-cut 'bout to get attention from a grown up ♪ ♪ 'cause you hold me like a woman in a way i've never felt before ♪ ♪ and it makes me wanna hold on and it makes me wanna be all yours ♪ ♪ guys my age don't know how to treat me don't know how to treat me don't know how to treat me ♪ ♪ guys my age don't know how to touch me don't know how to love me good ♪ ♪ guys my age don't know how to keep me
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don't know how to keep me don't know how to keep me ♪ ♪ guys my age don't know how to touch me don't know how to love me good ♪ ♪ all he ever wanted was to bro down what we supposed to do with all his ♪ ♪ friends around, yeah smoking weed, he'd never wanna leave the house got an empty cushion ♪ ♪ on that sofa now told him, good luck with the next one maybe she'll be ♪ ♪ just as immature gotta thank him he's the reason that i know now ♪ ♪ what i'm looking for guys my age don't know how to treat me don't know how to treat me ♪ ♪ don't know how to treat me guys my age don't know how to touch me don't know how to ♪ ♪ love me good guys my age don't
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know how to keep me don't know how to keep me ♪ ♪ don't know how to keep me guys my age don't know how to touch me don't know how ♪ ♪ to love me good so i'm never going back couldn't bring him back forget about it ♪ ♪ going back no, i'm never going back couldn't get him back ♪ ♪ ♪ guys my age don't know ♪ how to treat me don't know how to please me don't know how to read me guys my age don't ♪ ♪ know how to touch me don't know how to love me good guys my age don't ♪ ♪ know how to tease me don't know how to leave me don't know how to need me guys my age don't know ♪ ♪ how to touch me don't know how to love me good
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guys my age don't know ♪ ♪ don't know they don't know guys my age don't know ♪ ♪ how to touch me don't know how to love me love me love me ♪ ♪ love me love me love me good ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hey violet, everybody! download "guys my age" now. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to dax shepard, hannah simone, hey violet, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] charlie benante, 8g band. stay tuned for "carson daly." we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ >> carson: what's up, gang? you know the drill. carson daly, it's "the last call." this is the time new york hotel. let's do this. we've got tonight in our spotlight, standup comedian

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