tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC June 1, 2018 12:37am-1:37am PDT
[ cheers and applause ] >> this is -- please! enough! oh, my goodness! oh! oh! this is great! this is just what i thought it would be like! >> seth: yeah. >> this is it! i'm back home! i'm back home! hi, wally. good to see you, bud, oh, i'm here. i'm so happy to be here! i'm back! oh, this is great! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back. >> so do i just -- do i go to the desk now? >> seth: no, no, you -- you have to go to your dressing room until the interview. [ laughter ] >> that's right. of course. >> seth: yeah, yeah. >> yes, sorry. roll the opening, roll the opening. all right. i'll see you then. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- jimmy fallon, from "a.p. bio" actor and comedian patton oswalt, music from kylie minogue, featuring the 8g band with sarah tomek. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers and this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. kanye west tweeted pictures this afternoon of a make america great again hat he got from president trump. [ laughter ] in response, trump tweeted pictures with some clothes that kanye got him. [ laughter ] president trump met with apple ceo tim cook at the white house today to find out once and for all what an apple is. [ laughter ]
"and you eat them?" former white house press secretary sean spicer appeared in madam tussauds today to unveil a wax figure of first lady melania trump. and you can tell it's not the real melania because -- okay, you can't tell. [ laughter and applause ] the president of iran today said that he has told french president emanuel macron that he will not change even one sentence of the obama-era nuclear deal. "there's more than one sentence?" asked trump who hasn't read it yet. [ laughter and applause ] the -- the second season of dystopian drama "the handmaid's tale" premiered tonight and it looks like they got new hats! [ laughter and applause ] according -- that's a -- that's the wax -- i don't know. [ laughter ] according to a new annual report the u.s. ranked 45th worldwide in press freedom this year down two spots from last year's
rankings. you can read the entire report here. [ laughter and applause ] according to a new study, people with strong handshakes may be more intelligent and have better memories. though according to a different study -- nah. [ laughter and applause ] and finally, this is so exciting. thanks to newly developed technology, we here at "late night" now have the ability to record the tiny voice that is inside donald trump's head. and you might be surprised to know that like everyone's inner voice, donald trump's is filled with paralyzing fear and self-doubt. so here it is, once again, the tiny voice in the back of donald trump's head. ♪ >> mr. president -- >> hey, donald. it's the tiny voice in the back of your head and oh, yeah, you are in a minefield right now.
[ laughter ] there are so many things that could go wrong in this situation. [ light laughter ] who looked at this guy's outfit and said, "we should put him in the same room as donald j. trump and a bunch of reporters?" this is against every instinct in your body to stand here, not grab the microphone and point out everything that is different about this person. [ laughter ] the hat, the robe, the beard -- oh, my god, you want to say something about the beard. [ laughter ] you're going to go crazy. when is this going to be over? somebody get dark santa out of here. [ laughter and applause ] hey, donald, it's the tiny voice in your head and oh, boy, the tiny table is out. [ laughter ] and you know what the little table means. it's time to sign your name, but don't do it so big that you run out of paper. oh, the big d and the o, and the n, and the a and the -- oh!
you're running out of paper. i hope you can fit it in -- oh. you just made it. [ laughter ] and now show everybody how proud you are 'cause you signed a piece of paper. this is the part of the job you crush. you're the best at this, and now put it away. oh, let's do another one. [ laughter ] let's do another one -- yep. pretend like you care what it says. [ laughter ] big d. little o, little n, little a, little l, little d. big old t. running out of paper, don't run out of paper. there we go. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you guys, we have a fantastic show for you tonight. he is the host of "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon" right here on nbc and his best-selling children's book "your baby's first word will be dada" and "everything is mama" are available now. jimmy fallon for the first time here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] how exciting is that? also, from nbc's fantastic new show "a.p. bio," our friend patton oswalt is here tonight.
[ cheers and applause ] and it is a fascinating, fascinating night to have patton here as you'll soon find out and we also have music from global superstar kylie minogue. [ cheers and applause ] so it's a wonderful night to be here. before we get to all of that, president trump has been trying to focus on foreign policy this week. however, his views on some of the most urgent foreign policy questions are completely incoherent. for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: donald trump does not like visiting foreign countries. part of the problem is when he took his first trip to saudi arabia, they let him touch a glowing orb and now everywhere else seems super boring. [ laughter ] "are you ready for your trip to latin america, mr. president?" "are they going to have an orb?" "i don't think so." [ laughter ] "are they going to have anything that glows?" "probably not." [ laughter ] "i don't want to go." [ laughter ]
and because of his reluctance to travel, most of his foreign policy so far is consistent of mocking people on twitter, like over the weekend when he apparently got upset while watching something on tv about his attempt to strike a deal with north korea. >> sleepy eyes chuck todd of fake news nbc just stated that we given up so much in our negotiations with north korea and they have given up nothing. wow! we haven't given up anything and they have agreed to denuclearization, so great for our world. site closure and no more testing. we are a long way from conclusion on north korea. maybe things will work out and maybe they won't. only time will tell. >> seth: all right, first of all, it doesn't make me feel better when trump says stuff like "maybe things will work out, maybe they won't." [ laughter ] we're talking about nuclear weapons, not a tinder date. [ laughter ] "maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. either way, i get out of the house for a while." [ laughter ] second, north korea hasn't agreed to denuclearize. when he announced his decision to temporarily suspend missile tests, kin jong-un went out of his way to call his nuclear program a powerful treasured sword.
ugh. that sounds like a passage your weird aunt highlighted in her copy of "fifty shades of grey." [ laughter ] and you know as soon as he heard kim jong-un had a powerful treasured sword, trump went out and bought one for himself. [ laughter ] he probably spends all night in the white house basement waving it around like a lightsaber. [ laughter ] trump is apparently so optimistic about his budding relationship with kim jong-un that he is now openly complimenting him as he did yesterday at the white house. >> we are going to be having a meeting with kim jong-un, and that will be -- that will be very soon. we have been told directly that they would like to have the meeting as soon as possible and we think that's a great thing for the world. that's a great thing for north korea and south korea and japan and france and everybody. so we're having very, very good discussions. kim jong-un was -- he really has been very open, and i think very
honorable. >> seth: i'm sorry. [ laughter ] can we please go back to how trump says kim jong-un. [ laughter ] >> kim jong-un. [ laughter ] >> seth: why so long between each syllable? i guarantee you the first time he said it, he thought it was one word and someone had to correct him. [ laughter ] "what are we going to do about kim jong-un?" "mr. president, it's three words." "oh, okay. i got it. kim. jong. [ laughter ] un." [ laughter ] now if trump and south korea do indeed to manage to resolve the north korea situation, that would absolutely be a fantastic thing, but the worry is that he's not prepared for this meeting. and if diplomacy fails, he'll go the route favored by his hawkish new national security advisor, john bolton. john bolton has openly disagreed with trump's approach and advocated a preemptive strike on north korea. bolton has even gone on fox news and repeatedly thrown cold water on the idea of a meeting with kim jong-un.
>> more diplomacy with north korea. more sanctions whether against north korea or an effort to apply sanctions against china is just giving north korea more time to increase its nuclear arsenal. we had fooled around with north korea for 25 years and fooling around some more is just going to make matters worse. >> seth: why would you hire as your national security adviser, a guy who completely disagrees with your biggest national security policy? is it because you thought he was colonel sanders? [ laughter ] "i want him! get me him! [ laughter and applause ] i am so -- it is such -- such an honor to meet you. i love your chicken. i save what i don't eat in the fridge. and then when i'm hungry again i nuke it. oh, nuke, it. that gives me an idea." [ laughter ] now the reason why trump has been complimenting kim jong-un is that he doesn't actually have a discernible foreign policy, he just has relationships. if you're nice to him, he's nice to you, which is why french president emanuel macron's visit to washington this week has been so weird, featuring everything
from planting trees to long awkward handshakes to weird side hugs to more handshakes to brushing dandruff off macron's suit to literally holding hands as they walk around the white house. [ laughter ] look at how happy he is! [ laughter ] look at him! [ cheers and applause ] that is a man that is so desperate for human contact. [ laughter ] he can't believe someone is letting him touch them without slapping his hand away. [ laughter ] he's like a fifth grader on a play date. [ laughter ] in fact, during his joint address to congress macron even joked about the warm embrace and all the physical contact he's received from trump by referencing the meeting between two historical french and american figures. >> in 1778, the french philosopher voltaire and
benjamin franklin met in paris. john adams tells the story that after they had shaken hands they embraced each other by hugging one another in the arms and kissing each other's cheeks. it can remind you of something. [ laughter ] >> seth: i like how they're -- the joke is like, "your president, yes, molest me, yes. [ laughter ] this the joke i am making. he was grabbing me? yes?" [ laughter ] that is definitely the first time trump has ever been compared to benjamin franklin. i bet trump has no idea who benjamin franklin even is. [ laughter ] "that's the one where brad pitt starts as an old man and turns into a baby, right? [ laughter ] and then the baby discovers electricity." [ laughter ] trump's attitude toward france have been based almost entirely on his personal relationship with macron rather than actual policy and that at times has left french officials confused about where things stand. "the washington post" reported
that the last time they met face to face at the united nations in september, macron was puzzled when trump and his delegation seemed to have no agenda, carried no papers and took no notes. one french official said, "it was like a good discussion with a buddy in a bar. at the end, you don't know exactly what it means." [ laughter ] of course, trump doesn't need a bar for that. almost everything he says would make a good friend say, "give me your keys, bro." [ laughter ] now macron is indulging trump because he's hoping that being trump's friend will give him some leeway over things like the iran deal which macron wants to save. now the u.s. did release payments that iran had already been owed and yet trump has repeatedly lied about that and tried to make it sound like obama was paying iran not to build nukes, a lie he repeated yesterday. >> are you willing to consider staying in the iran deal? >> we're going to be talking about it and we'll see. i mean, people know my views on the iran deal. it was a terrible deal that should have never, ever been made.
we could have made a good deal or reasonable deal. the iran deal is a terrible deal. we paid $150 billion. we gave 1.8 billion in cash. that's actual cash. barrels of cash. [ laughter ] >> seth: why does trump think they keep cash in barrels? [ laughter ] if he weren't a billionaire, you would think he was a hobo. [ laughter ] "they're keeping their cash in barrels and let their pies cool on the windowsill." [ laughter ] but if you ask trump specifically why he and his fellow conservatives are so obsessively focused on iran, he has trouble giving you any concrete reasons. in fact, when he was asked yesterday about iran, he babbled on about the country in a way that was super vague and very hard to follow. >> iran seems to be behind everything where there's a problem and you just have to take a look. you look at what's happening. you look at the fighters. iran is always there, and we're not going to allow certain things to happen that are happening. [ laughter ] >> seth: good lord. trump talks like a mafia boss who is too vague for even the mafia. [ laughter ] "if you look at what's happening
there's certain things that should not be happening. capisce?" "no, boss, i don't capisce." [ laughter ] trump claims that iran is extending its influence throughout the region, especially in syria, where he's insisted he wants to withdraw our troops, but he doesn't seem to actually have a coherent strategy for it. see if you can make any sense of what he says here about syria and about the iran deal which comes up for re-certification on may 12th. >> we will, in fact, bring lots of people home. we will have a strong blockage to the mediterranean, which to me is very important. because if we don't, you have iran going right to the mediterranean. not going to have that. but there is a chance and nobody knows what i'm going to do on the 12th, although, mr. president, you have a pretty >> seth: it is not fair to look at him like that! [ laughter ] he's trying to follow you in his second language. i can't follow you in my first one. [ laughter ] but after two days of
hand-holding and shoulder rubs, maybe the most remarkable thing about macron's trip is the degree to which macron seemed to implicitly criticize trump during his address to congress today. macron called on americans to turn away from nationalism and toward global cooperation, especially on issues like climate change and the iran deal. >> there is an existing framework called the jcpoa to control the nuclear activity of iran. we should not abandon it without having something substantial and more substantial instead. both in the united states and in europe, we are living in a time of anger and fear. but these feelings do not build anything. by polluting the oceans, not mitigating co2 emissions, and destroying our biodiversity, we are killing our planet. let us face it. there is no planet b. >> seth: yeah. we know. if there was we'd all be there
right now. [ laughter and applause ] this has been "a closer look." ♪ >> seth: we'll be right back with jimmy fallon, everybody! stick around! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks," be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube. every day, you're thankful for the ones you love. and every day you promise to protect them.
off! is here to help with proven protection against mosquitoes. trust our family to protect yours. sc johnson, a family company ♪ ♪ you are many different things in one amazing package, and t.j.maxx gives you the freedom to express every one. with our unique mix of must-have brands at must-buy prices, you can be active or totally relaxed. ♪ ♪ you can shop online or take it home today. you'll always save on something for every you. maxx you. maxx life. t.j.maxx. ♪ the boss has more meatte then we added some meat ♪ ♪ oh yeah, then there's brisket on top of all that ♪ ♪ if this doesn't speak to you get some fajitas ♪ ♪ chili's is back, baby, back, baby, back ♪ mmm-hmmm! ♪ or take your burgers to go ♪ baby, go baby, go ♪
growing up i didn't have anyone who looked like me. that's why i started my blog to inspire people to be themselves. the surface laptop has already made me more productive. i'm creating mood boards. i'm editing content. or i'm running around new york with a huge bouquet of balloons. so having a light laptop is a game changer. plus the battery life on the surface lives forever. my blog is sometimes about fashion, sometimes about sprinkles. it's usually always about color. find what makes you different, because that sets you apart from everyone else. dinner date...meeting his parents dinner date. why did i want a crest 3d white smile? so i used crest. crest 3d white removes... ...95% of surface stains in just 3 days... ...for a whiter smile... that will win them over. crest. healthy, beautiful smiles for life.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our first guest tonight is an emmy and grammy award-winning comedian and the host of "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." his best-selling children's books, "your baby's first word will be dada" and "everything is mama" are available now. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show our lead-in and our very good friend, jimmy fallon, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how are you, my friend? >> this feels -- it feels great. >> seth: this is very -- it's surreal to introduce you. >> i don't know how to sit. >> seth: we've known each other -- right, you don't know. >> i don't know this side. yeah, exactly. we probably have more in common then two -- then any other human beings on the face of the earth. >> seth: yeah. we -- >> we both were on "saturday night live." >> seth: yep. >> we both did weekend update. >> seth: we did. >> we both hosted "late night." >> seth: yeah.
>> we both have two babies. >> seth: we both have two babies. [ cheers and applause ] >> we are mirror -- >> seth: we are mirror images. but i want to say that introducing you is such a nice thing for me to be able to do because you introduced me the very first time i did weekend update when you were hosting. >> that's right. >> seth: this was 2001 -- this was like october, probably of 2001. and we have the clip because you and i look different. >> oh, no. [ laughter ] >> seth: this is just jimmy introducing me in 2001. >> what does my hair look like? oh, no. >> well a tough night -- [ laughter ] for the new york yankees. they lost to arizona 15-2. the series is tied at three games a piece. here with the commentary is our own seth meyers. >> thanks, jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] [ talking over each other ] >> i think we look exactly the same. >> seth: we look exactly -- >> exactly. what was i doing with that? i was in -- i felt like i was in a cave man phase. >> seth: also, our suits were worse. >> i never owned a suit -- >> seth: yeah.
>> before weekend update. >> seth: that was the first time you ever had a jacket? >> yeah, it really was. lorne was like, "you need a suit and tie for update." i was like, "i don't know what that means? a clip-on? can i use a clip-on?" i mean so many good memories. >> seth: do you miss it? do you still miss "snl?" i know now you're kind of two shows past it cause "late night," now you're doing "the tonight show." >> yeah. i do -- every now and then, you miss the excitement of the feeling of the last-minute sketch that, you know, you don't know it's going to get written or whatever. do you remember when mick jagger hosted? >> seth: i do. >> we were all nervous because lorne said, "mick said he'll do something." and i go, "okay." and everyone is just afraid of mick jagger so no one pitched him anything. and i'm like, "we should pitch him an idea." so i go, "i'll pitch him something." i go, "what if i'm his reflection in the in the mirror?" and i'm like -- [ mick jagger gibberish ] and lorne goes, "please don't do that." [ laughter ] "don't do that. it's insulting to mick. and -- the bit has been done in the mirror. the groucho marx did it. lucille ball did it. you are not going to break any ground with this." i go, "okay, that's fine. i'll come up with an idea."
so i go and write the sketch, and then they go, "you have to go pitch it to mick." i go, "i don't want to talk to mick." i mean, he's -- >> seth: yeah. >> it's mick jagger. so i went in and he's so cool looking. it's mick jagger. and he's like, "lovely to meet you, hello." and i go, "i have ideas. ny name is, you know, jimmy fallon." i pitched him my idea. i go, "it's me and you working at a mall." he goes, "no. i don't like that." [ laughter ] i go, "oh, okay. here's one where we're the rolling stones but we're like a wedding band rolling stones." he's like, "not really my thing." [ laughter ] i go, "how about an idea of --" he doesn't like anything. so i leave. i go, "he doesn't like anything." so then it's friday, which usually the sketches have to be written on tuesday. it's friday and lorne goes, "mick's still up do something if you have anymore ideas." i go, "okay." i came up with ideas. i went back and he looks at me. he's like, "you again." you know? and i go, "hi, i have an idea. maybe i'm -- your keith and i'm keith and he's cloned himself so he can party with himself." he goes, "no, i don't like that." i go, "oh, my gosh." [ light laughter ] so i go, "what if it's you -- you're hosting the show and i'm your reflection in the mirror. and i'm going like that --"
and he goes, "i love it! that's great." [ laughter ] oh, my gosh. dude, good news is -- >> seth: and it's very -- it's a very iconic sketch. [ applause ] there it is. look at you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> --bad news, it's the mirror sketch. >> seth: did you -- and you had to go tell lorne. you had to give him the bad news. >> of course. yeah, the bad. i go, "he wants to do it but it's the mirror sketch." >> seth: you -- i mean it was my first year, you'd had been on the show few years. i remember you, horatio were very nice to me in the early days. and i remember thinking, "oh, if i hang out with those guys, i'm going to meet famous people. i'll go out drinking with famous people." and i would say the one -- the person we went out drinking with who was the most fun was famous, but not the kind of like -- i was hoping to meet hollywood starlets. >> yeah. >> seth: and instead, we went out drinking with david wells. [ laughter ] >> yes. that is true. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah, no, wellsy -- yes, the great pitcher for the new york yankees. >> seth: yeah. >> in fact, do you remember the story? >> seth: which one? >> the one. the one and only. >> seth: which was the one? >> the one and only is this one. i know, we had a lot of good ones. but he's a great guy.
>> no, this is -- gosh, we can't do this anymore. but we were at the "snl" after-party with you, horatio, lorne and david wells. and it's probably 5:30 in the morning. >> seth: yeah. >> and i'm -- i go, "i've got to go home, man. i'm just exhausted, man." we had a few drinks. [ laughter ] 5:30 in the morning. [ laughter ] or lorne left at like 4:00 or something like that but then and we stayed until 5:30, i want to say 5:00. and i left and went home. woke up the next day around 1:30 in the afternoon, i turn on the tv and it's the yankees game and david wells is pitching. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> so i go, "it's got to be one of those classic things." >> seth: yes, classic. >> yes, classic, where they replay the game. i go, "that's pretty funny 'cause i was just with him." and it's not, it's a real game. >> seth: yeah. >> so i called horatio. i go, "dude --" and i wake him up at 2:00 in the afternoon. >> seth: yeah. >> i go, "dude, turn on channel 11. the yank -- david wells is pitching right now. he's like, "wells? there's no way." i go, "i know." i go, "we left him. it was 5:30." i go, "i know, dude." and he turned it on, it was pitching.
and that was the game he pitched the perfect game. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> that's insane! it's because of me, he was that calm! he owes me everything. >> seth: we -- this was -- horatio posted this online recently. this was a -- this is a famous "snl" party to this day. >> tablegate. >> seth: this is tablegate. this is me, you -- >> yeah, i look sober there. >> seth: horatio. this is mike shoemaker. [ laughter ] and this is -- this was a party that was the last thursday of the last episode of the season. and we went up into our -- and this is the writer's room. >> this is the 17th floor. >> seth: 17th floor at "snl." >> of the building. >> seth: and this is, like, when it's normal cause the table is fine. it's called tablegate -- >> for a reason. >> seth: we drank -- we started just throwing alcohol on the table. >> yeah. well what happened was, it was a punch bowl. it was very civil. >> seth: yeah. very civil. >> and just had punch bowl drinks. but then, now and then, people would spill a little on the table.
and then -- just, by the end of the night, it was just -- people were just -- it got very -- there was just drinks all over the table. and i thought it would be funny if i ran from the hallway and dove on the table like a slip and slide. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> and slide across the table. and i did it. >> seth: yeah. on all this alcohol. i just dove through it and slid. and then, it became funny and fun. and then everyone wanted to do it. then we all did it. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] and i remember a friend -- >> we all were -- >> a friend of andrew steele had to stand at this window. >> and -- >> seth: 'cause people would come, like, sliding this way. [ laughter ] >> and catch -- catch -- >> seth: yeah. he would literally catch people. >> or else you would fly out of a 17th floor window. [ laughter ] somebody is like -- >> what are you doing? >> seth: working at their and desk like, "jimmy fallon?" >> hey, what's up man? yeah, i mean, what were we thinking? >> it was crazy. >> that was -- >> seth: we actually got in a lot of trouble because we broke the table. and it was -- that was -- it was my first year on the show and i had really thought, i think you can get fired for breaking furniture. [ laughter ] >> i remember that we were so embarrassed the next day. and we were like, "oh -- because we were just -- it was really insane. there were just cups everywhere. and i remember there was a -- somebody got mad at us and yelled at us.
and they said, "really classy, guys. [ laughter ] really classy move." and you know what was the extra touch? it was the towel full of vomit in front of carson daly's office. [ laughter ] i was like, "that wasn't me, man." >> seth: yeah. >> who did that? >> seth: i do think that's classy. i also -- the other thing that's embarrassing is when you're -- and it was literally my first year on the show and we used to get free stuff. and i want to point out, i don't know if you remember the 2002 winter olympic berets from salt lake city. [ laughter ] literally wearing -- >> that's some good style. >> seth: a free -- >> that's some good style. that's some good style right there. >> seth: that's a good, good style. >> oh, gosh. >> seth: like you mentioned, both have two kids. >> yeah. >> seth: you got two girls. >> yeah. >> seth: i've got two boys. what made you write a book about making a first child -- a first word dada. >> what was your babies' first words? do you remember? >> seth: i think it was mama. >> yeah. of course it was. yeah, it is. it just is. and i know it's an unwritten kind of contest that husbands have with wives. and you go, "no, that's great. it could be any word." but i really wanted her to say dada first. >> seth: yeah. >> and so i was just trying to trick her. anything i would give her. i mean i was -- i would give her a bottle and go, "do you want dada?
do you want a dada?" [ laughter ] i don't care if the baby is stupid, i just want for the history books --not talk to someone else to fix my baby. i just went for the history books. that first word was dada. so i put the book out and it was funny, as a joke. and then, people started actually really reading it with the kids. and then, kids started reading it back to their parents. and it became a cool thing. and so they said, "you should make mama." and i was like -- and it's clearly written by me cause it's only ten words in the book. it's like, "mama, quack, mama, moo." [ laughter ] it's not ghost written. >> seth: where do you get your ideas? >> oh, just over a text! [ laughter ] so i put out "mama," and i figured since women are smarter than men, mamas, they don't care. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> 'cause they are. >> seth: that is correct. >> they don't care about if the baby says "mama or dadda" in the sequel. and it's called "everything is mama." in that one, the mama is trying to teach kids that there are other words. >> seth: oh, i see. >> so it's like -- >> seth: so -- >> balloon, things like noodles, stuff like that. and then the baby keeps saying, "mama, mama, mama." so anyways, yeah. anyways -- i'm writing a lot of books.
>> seth: that's fantastic. >> i'm an author now. >> seth: oh, that's great. well, we love having authors on the show. [ cheers and applause ] >> hey, i just want to say dude, i watch you every night. and i watched you since you began. you're doing such a great job on the show. and everyone here really -- [ cheers and applause ] job well done, dude. >> i really appreciate it. >> you're fantastic. >> thank you for handing it over. it's an honor to do it. give it up for jimmy fallon, everybody! >> awe, come on. >> seth: "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon" airs weeknights at 11:35 here on nbc. we'll be right back with patton oswalt. ♪ baby,
♪ why don't you ♪ just meet me ♪ in the middle ♪ i'm losing ♪ my mind ♪ just a little ♪ so why don't you just ♪ meet me in the middle inserting shock absorber... customizing pressure... new schick® hydro sense protects skin from irritation. the shock absorb technology auto-adjusts to you. new schick® hydro sense. the shock absorb technology auto-adjusts to you. sometimes a day at the ballpark is more than just a day at the ballpark. [park announcer] all military membst sometimes fans cheer for those who wear a different uniform. no matter where or when you served, t-mobile stands ready to serve you. that's why we're providing half off family lines to all military.
of coursbut if you hadowerful. any lingering doubts about the acceleration... horsepower... and all-around performance... of a lexus hybrid, this should clear the air. lexus hybrids. crafted to be fast as h. now comparably priced to the rest of the lineup. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. ♪ why don't you ♪ just meet me ♪ in the middle ♪ i'm losing ♪ my mind ♪ just a little
♪ so why don't you just ♪ meet me in the middle party's over, 'six legs', she's got simparica now. simpari-what? simparica is what kills tick and fleas, like us. kills? kills! studies show at the end of the month, it kills more ticks in less time than frontline plus and nexgard. guess we should mosey on. see ya never, roxy! use simparica with caution in dogs with a history of seizures or neurologic disorders. the most common side effects are vomiting, diarrhea, and lethargy. say goodbye to ticks and fleas... with monthly simparica chewables.
♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody! give it up for the 8g band right over there! also back again with us tonight, she's the drummer for nashville soul country singer, maggie rose whose latest digital 45 features the songs, "it's you," and "smooth." check her out this summer on tour with steven tyler and the loving mary band. for tour dates go to steventyler.com. sarah tomek, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] thank you for being here, sarah! our next guest is a grammy and emmy award-winning comedian you know from his work in "the goldbergs," "the king of queens"
and the hit film "ratatouille." he stars aincipadurbin in the comedy, "a.p. bio" which airs thursday nights at 8:30 here on nbc. let's take a look. >> well, i don't know if you guys have noticed, but since brenda and i separated i have been doing my own thang. >> ooh, that's why we came to you durb daddy. >> thank you, but i was thinking that a good theme for the dance would be the movie "congo," based on the michael crichton novel. it's got everything teens love. it's got gorillas, it's got lasers, it's got a character named herkermer holmolka. [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome back to the show our very good friend, patton oswalt, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ >> seth: welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. >> seth: i want to talk about "a.p. bio," that was why you were here today. >> yes. >> seth: but sometimes events conspire, and we have something else to talk about. >> yes. i've been awake since 3:00 a.m. >> seth: yeah. >> so i don't know how this segment's going to go, but my late wife michelle mcnamara, as you know, was a true crime writer, true crime journalist, investigative reporter, and she -- when she passed away she was nearly done, three-fourths done with a book -- this one -- >> seth: yes, i've got it right here. >> called "i'll be gone in the dark," about california's worst uncaught serial killer who she dubbed "the golden state killer." he was responsible for 12 murders, 50 rapes over, like, a decade, had gone uncaught for 42 years.
she did all this research, and this morning i start getting texts, and alerts. they arrested him today. he is in jail. >> seth: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> and the guy is named -- oh, my god, j.j. deangelo. he was a former policeman from auburn right near the sacramento area where the rapes first started so now there's all this -- you know -- she -- her book and the article that led to the book really amped up of the interest in the case, and really put a lot of focus on this, not to discredit the work that the police and the lab technicians did, but it is this -- it was like, it was her dream. she didn't care about -- she always said, i don't care about credit. i want to know that he's in jail, and now he's -- he's caught, the bracelets are on, and it feels like this thing that she wanted so badly is now done.
it's just amazing. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it is -- [ cheers and applause ] i -- you know, it's such a -- she's an incredible writer, and has an incredible way with language, and so in ways even though it's about this really, obviously, dark subject -- >> yeah. >> seth: it's a beautifully written book, and a lot of people i saw on social media today were sort of tweeting out this last bit that she wrote which seems really fitting. >> oh, yeah, yeah. >> seth: would you want to -- would you mind reading it? >> yes. >> seth: here, let me give that to you, and -- >> yeah. her after word in the book is called letter to an old man, which she writes this to the golden state killer, and these are the final lines of it. this is her writing. one day soon you'll hear a car pull up to your curb, an engine cut out. you'll hear footsteps coming up your front walk, like they did for edward wayne edwards 29 years after he killed timothy hack and kelly drew in sullivan, wisconsin, like they did for kenneth lee hicks 30 years after he killed
laura billingsley in aloha, oregon. the doorbell rings. no side gates are left open. your long past leaping over a fence. take one of your hyper gulping breaths, clench your teeth, inch timidly toward the insistent bell. this is how it ends for you. you'll be silent forever and i'll be gone in the dark, you threatened a victim once. open the door, show us your face. walk into the light, and that's what he did today. so, it's -- [ applause ] >> seth: that's really something, and it's also -- you know, obviously she did all this incredible work. it's really also incredible that you, and the other people you mentioned, you finished, you completed this work for her. >> yeah, well i mean i begged them to help. billy jensen and paul haynes were the ones who stepped up. i was still neck deep in grief -- >> seth: of course -- >> and suddenly a single father, and not sleeping, but i was like i can't --
i knew that i wouldn't be able to live and go on with life if this was left undone. so i basically begged them and the publishers to find a way to -- and they were the ones who found a way to finish it, and put it together, and now, you know, there's -- because he's been caught now they can start linking him to all these other cases. there's all of this new evidence. i mean it's amazing -- he's a former cop. >> seth: yeah. >> and you know, at one point he quit -- and this sounds like something out of john mulaney's bit about "law and order." >> seth: yeah. >> remember that classic bit about how when -- here's what happened. he quit the police force when he was caught shoplifting a hammer and dog repellent, and he would break into houses, and literally, like, you're shoplifting a hammer -- are you shop a store? >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> like, it could not be more -- so, those kind of clues, and then he just kind of -- but that was in the '70s, and they went well, if he wants to quit he quits and they didn't follow up. it was all this --
again, he just got caught today, this is the beginning of the whole other chapter of this, of this saga, this insane crime saga. so i'm on adrenaline, and sleeplessness right now about this. >> seth: that makes sense. >> yeah. >> seth: i would say it's impossible to transition, so let me just show a picture of you in high school. >> oh, god! [ laughter ] >> seth: there you go. that's, i think, the best we can do. [ applause ] >> seth: police -- police are still looking for him. >> yeah, exactly. i'm going to marry a crime fighter one day. duh. >> seth: so you -- i only bring this up because you are playing principal durbin in "a.p. bio." >> yes. >> seth: is this -- did you base it on any of your principals in your time? >> i based my character -- because basically, i play a character and this is the best thing to play comedically. i play an authority figure with zero authority. >> seth: yeah. >> i know that i cannot make anything happen, and no one will listen to me, so i base it on
this vice principal that i had in high school who was a really cool guy, but he had so kind of beautifully accepted that i have no authority, and the kids don't care, and then also, if you remember -- remember the movie "mean girls"? >> seth: sure. >> remember tim meadows? >> seth: yeah, yeah. >> played the principal, one of the funniest, because he is so -- he is almost at this level of zen of like, i have no power. [ laughter ] i can affect no change, and it -- but it is so hilarious how comfortable he is. >> seth: well it is -- you're a perfect fit. it's a wonderful show. >> thank you. >> seth: and yeah, thanks for spending this crazy day with us. it's always just such a delight to see you. >> i know, i could have begged it off and say i haven't slept, but no, i wanted to come and share that it's really good news. i'm frazzled, but it's great news. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: patton oswalt everybody. "a.p. bio" airs thursday nights at 8:30 here on nbc. we'll be right back with music from kylie minogue. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
( ♪ ) it's the details that make the difference. only botox® cosmetic is fda approved to temporarily make frown lines, crow's feet and forehead lines look better. it's a quick 10 minute treatment given by a doctor to reduce those lines. ask your doctor about botox® cosmetic by name. the effects of botox® cosmetic, may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be a sign of a life-threatening condition. do not receive botox® cosmetic if you have a skin infection. side effects may include allergic reactions, injection site pain, headache, eyelid and eyebrow drooping and eyelid swelling. tell your doctor about your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, and medications including botulinum toxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. the details make a difference. the man makes them matter. see real rulmen.
the man makes them matter. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol® now comes in a pocket pack. i can take it anywhere. to the shoe store! ♪break through. ♪break through. come hok., babe. nasty nighttime heartburn? try new alka-seltzer pm gummies. the only fast, powerful heartburn relief plus melatonin so you can fall asleep quickly. ♪ oh, what a relief it is! ♪ now that i'm on my way ♪ do you still think i'm crazy standing here today ♪ ♪ i couldn't make you love me applebee's 2 for $20, now with steak. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood.
i'm all-business when i, travel... even when i travel... for leisure. so i go national, where i can choose any available upgrade in the aisle - without starting any conversations- -or paying any upcharges. what can i say? control suits me. go national. go like a pro. ♪ ♪ you are many different things in one amazing package, and t.j.maxx gives you the freedom to express every one. with our unique mix of must-have brands at must-buy prices, you can be active or totally relaxed. ♪ ♪ you can shop online or take it home today. you'll always save on something for every you. maxx you. maxx life. t.j.maxx.
the warriors beat the cavs 124-114 in game one of the nba finals. we )re tweeting pictures and video -- and the vip; )s at the game. and: a rabid bat spotted at bramhall park in san jose )s willow glen neighborhood. the public health department says it is the second rabid bat found in the county this year. that story is on nbc bay area dot com. dot com. we all know guys like gavin. boasting. overselling his achievements. making false claims. as lieutenant governor, he skipped many of his duties, saying the job was "so dull," he only shows up to work at the state capitol
"like one day a week, tops." the same gavin who, as mayor, "split town" during a massive oil spill and "jetted off...to hawaii." gavin's... not gonna work... as governor. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my next guest is a music icon whose latest album "golden" was released to critical acclaim. here with the u.s. debut
television performance of "dancing," give it up for kylie minogue. [ cheers and applause ] >> good evening everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ no one wants to stay at home nobody wants to be alone ♪ ♪ when you come knocking i'll be at your door ♪ ♪ i don't ever want to stop i'm going to give it all i've got ♪ ♪ and when they ask me who could ask for more ♪ ♪ can't stand still won't slow down ♪ ♪ when i go out i want to go out dancing ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ ♪ when i go out i want to go out dancing ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah i want to go out dancing ♪ ♪
♪ i want to go out i want to go out dancing ♪ ♪ this is where i want to be with you your arms wrapped around me ♪ ♪ and fireworks reflecting in your eyes ♪ ♪ this is how i want to feel the wine the kiss the music real ♪ ♪ and getting down riding all the highs ♪ ♪ can't stand still won't slow down ♪ ♪ when i go out i want to go out dancing ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ ♪ when i go outh--ah ah-ah-ah-ah i want to go out dancing ♪ ♪ ♪ i want to go out i want to go out dancing ♪
♪ everybody's got a story let it be your blaze of glory ♪ ♪ burning bright never fade away ♪ ♪ and when the final curtain falls we could say we did it all ♪ ♪ the never ending of a perfect day ♪ ♪ you know i can't stand still can't stand still won't slow down won't slow down ♪ ♪ when i go out i want to go out dancing ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ ♪ when i go out i want to go out dancing ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah i want to go out dancing ♪ ♪ i want to go out i want to go out i want to go out dancing ♪ ♪ ♪ i want to go out i want to go out dancing ♪
>> seth: kylie minogue, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] the album "golden" is out now, and head over to latenightseth.com for a performance of her smash hit, "can't get you out of my head," we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] we came here for the friends. and we got to know the friends of our friends. then our old friends from middle school, our mom, our ex and our boss joined forces to wish us happy birthday. then we discovered our uncle use to play in a band. and realized he was young once too. and we found others just like us. and just like that we felt a little less alone. but then something happened. we had to deal with spam, clickbait, fake news, and data misuse. that's going to change.
from now on, facebook will do more to keep you safe and protect your privacy. so we can all get back to what made facebook good in the first place. friends. because when this place does what it was built for, we all get a little closer. dray, when he was younger, he loved to smile; and we knew he would need braces because his teeth were coming in funny. this is the picture that was on the front page of the newspaper. all you can notice is the braces! then, once he got to michigan state, he broke the retainer! my bottom teeth, they were really crooked, and i just wasn't getting braces again. then i discovered smiledirectclub. it's easy to just grab it and go and i can change it on the road. i did photoshoots with my aligners in and you can't see them. a smile is a first impression, that's why i think having a great smile is so important. the kangaroo's pouch provides comfort and security for the little ones inside. possibly the inspiration behind hanes comfort flex fit with a breathable pouch.
that, and probably this. ow! (mixed shouts) hanes comfort flex fit. ow! (mixed shouts) olay regenerist shatters the competition. hydrating skin better than prestige creams costing over $100, $200, and even $400. for skin that looks younger than it should. fact check this ad in good housekeeping. olay regenerist. ageless. ♪ why don't you ♪ just meet me ♪ in the middle ♪ i'm losing ♪ my mind ♪ just a little ♪ so why don't you just ♪ meet me in the middle ♪ je plonge à l'envers ♪attiré par l'extase ♪ ♪ un tourbillon vert illumine les sirènes ♪ ♪ ♪ oh la fête fo', fo' ♪ ♪ ♪ oui l'endorphine s'est envolée ♪ ♪
♪ a toast, from estrella jalisco. pa arriba! to the stars of the mexican national team. pa abajo! to the stars that know you don't get here by luck but after years of dedication. al centro! to the stars that bleed green, white and red. pa dentro! we are all in this together, no matter what! vamos por la estrella. estrella jalisco, the only premium mexican cerveza proud to be the official beer of the mexican national team.
youtube and facebook. head over to itunes and subscribe to the "late night with seth meyers" podcast. you'll get "a closer look" and more downloaded right to your phone. ♪ i'm dianne feinstein and i approve this message. i thought after sandy hook, where 20 six and seven year olds were slain, this would never happen again. it has happened more than 200 times in 5 years. dianne feinstein and a new generation are leading the fight to pass a new assault weapons ban. say no to the nra and yes to common-sense gun la california values senator dianne feinstein
say no to the nra and yes to common-sense gun la when the worst oil spill hit san francisco, first responders went to work. and mayor gavin newsom, he went to hawaii. man: newsome left the day after the spill for a four-day vacation in hawaii. the same gavin who said his job as lieutenant governor was so dull,
he only showed up for work at the state capitol one day a week, tops. gavin's not gonna work as governor. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to jimmy fallon, patton oswalt, kylie minogue, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] sarah tomek and the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ >> carson: hello everybody. i'm carson daly. welcome to tonight's "last call" by way of the cutting room in new york city. we got a great show for you, including, "the rundown's"