tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC November 29, 2018 11:34pm-12:38am PST
that's big time. how much does it cost to eat at her restaurant? $335 a person! >> the bay area has the most michelin rated three star restaurants in the country with eight of them. among them, the french laundry, los gatos, and several others. >> we've got some dining to do. >> you've got to say it together. >> just throw that around. >> i'm going to stand next to you. >> thanks for joining us. >> bye-bye. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his
guests -- claire foy, mike birbiglia, comedian jourdain fisher, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 971, oregon. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. welcome. welcome, everybody. welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." thank you for being here. thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ]
you guys, last night was the christmas tree lighting in rockefeller center. you see that? it was beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] and this year's tree has over 50,000 lights. which explains why nbc just told me i can't use a hair dryer for the next month. [ laughter and applause ] i was wondering why. but last night was also the christmas tree lighting at the white house. and president trump gave a a speech, but right at the start, he had some trouble saying the word "christmas." [ laughter ] listen to this. [ cheers and applause ] >> merry chrisis, err -- everybody. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? merry -- [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] it's like they're playing him in reverse. it's like, "paul is dead." [ laughter ] can we play it again one more time, dave? >> merry chrisis, err -- everybody. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. he sounds like your uncle after his third eggnog. it's like, "it's christmas and you're -- and you're the one
that said that --" [ light laughter ] trump was like, "forget it, let's go back to 'happy holidays.' that's much easier." [ laughter and applause ] but it's been a busy 24 hours for the president. last night, trump flipped on the christmas tree lights, and today, michael cohen flipped on trump. [ light laughter ] that's big news. cohen was one of trump's closest allies, and now he's working with mueller. i'm not saying trump's running out of friends, but today he asked rosie o'donnell if she wanted to get lunch. [ laughter and applause ] it's like -- what? no. and cohen says he's cooperating with mueller because he wants to put family and country first. trump replied, "i totally agree. wait, you're talking about my family, right?" [ laughter and applause ] but this morning though, trump talked to reporters about cohen. and when he referenced a a document that cohen once signed, he really made to sure to act out what a piece of paper looks like. watch this. >> he talks about a letter that he signed. i don't even remember it. and it specifically talks about this deal.
in i think january, he has a a written statement. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: reporters are like, "tv show, three words. [ laughter ] no, two words? two words." [ cheers and applause ] "sign -- sign the paper. he put a stamp on it and put it in the mail. he mailed it. [ laughter ] and then, he told everybody --" no. [ laughter ] while he called on reporters, trump had an interesting way of using his finger to point at who he wanted to speak next. watch this. >> if cohen is -- [ people shouting ] >> mr. president? mr. president? >> okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's like he's trying to cast a spell on reporters. like, "fake newsicus. [ laughter ] fake newsicus?
really fake newsicus." it's like everybody's dad using an ipad for the first time. it's like, "all right, now i just -- i just touch it right there. i'm going to select it. here we go." [ laughter ] well this is very interesting. i saw that starbucks is going to start blocking adult websites from their wi-fi networks. [ stray boo ] [ laughter ] they said there's a time and a a place for that type of behavior, and it's all day at dunkin' donuts. i mean yeah, i guess -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] finally, health officials just announced that it is time to throw away your thanksgiving leftovers because they're not safe to eat. [ audience aws ] so don't even try it, no. but as for me -- ♪ ♪ i'm holding out for one more turkey sandwich ♪ [ light laughter ] ♪ i'm holding out for one more turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ if i eat it i get e. coli if i eat it i will die ♪
♪ if i enjoy it i'm a happy guy will i kill bacteria if it's fried ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm holding out for one more turkey sandwich ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm holding out for one more turkey sandwich ♪ >> jimmy: come on, everybody. ♪ holding out for one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ holding out for one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ holding out for one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ holding out for one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ holding out for one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ holding out for one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ holding out for one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ holding out for one more
turkey sandwich turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ holding out for one more turkey sandwich ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much, roots. [ light laughter ] >> steve: why? >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. that is so much fun. guys, welcome to the show. before we start, i want to give a quick shout out to the nypd. we had the big rockefeller center christmas tree lighting last night. there were hundreds of thousands of people here. the crowds stretched for blocks. and there was no incidents.
everybody was safe and having a a good time and getting in the holiday spirit. so, thank you again to the nypd for doing an incredible job last night. [ cheers and applause ] it's a hard job. we have an amazing show tonight. she stars in two new films, "the girl in the spider's web" and "first man." and she's hosting "saturday night live" this weekend. claire foy is here! >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: plus, his one-man show, "the new one" is on broadway at the cort theater. mike birbiglia is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] getting rave reviews. he's a good guy. funny guy. >> steve: good dude. >> jimmy: speaking of funny, we have standup tonight from jourdain fisher. oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] "tonight show" debut tonight for him. that's great. guys, we love impressions here at "the tonight show," so we thought it would be fun to see some audience members do their best impressions using the iphone app memoji. it's is time for "audience memojis."
here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ audience memoji trump edition ♪ >> jimmy: that's right. it is a trump edition. so here's how this works. i'm going to show a video of president trump talking, then our audience members will do their best impression of what they just heard into this iphone camera. and the memoji app will magically turn their face into an animated emoji of president trump. [ laughter ] all right, let's meet our first audience member. come on over here. hey, what's your name? how you doing buddy? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hey. i'm isaiah. >> jimmy: isaiah, where are you from? >> dayton, ohio. >> jimmy: dayton, ohio. [ cheers ] all right, good man. that's what i'm talking about. all right. are you ready to give us your best trump impersonation? >> yeah, let's do it. >> jimmy: all right. here's your video. one second. >> i mean, we have many people lined up for every, single position. any position, everybody wants to work in this white house. we are a hot country. this is a hot white house. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. so the words will be on cue cards there. so, just read the cards. and go ahead whenever you're ready. >> i mean, we have many people lined up for every, single position.
this is a hot country. this is a hot white house. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: not bad. that's good. that was great. thank you, buddy. ♪ step over there. hey, let's get our next trump impersonator. hi. >> hi. ♪ >> jimmy: how you doing? nice to see you. >> good, how are you? >> jimmy: thank you, i'm great. thank you for being here. what is your name? >> stephanie. >> jimmy: stephanie, where are you from? >> i'm from pensacola, florida. >> jimmy: hey, pensacola. there you go. we love florida. [ applause ] have you done this impression before? >> no. >> jimmy: all right, perfect. this is great. let's see your trump video. >> which means lifting the restrictions on oil, on shale, on natural gas and on clean, very clean coal. >> jimmy: there you go. [ light laughter ] that's the impression. it's right there on the cue cards. whenever you're ready. >> which means lifting the restrictions on oil, on shale, on natural gas and on clean, very clean coal. >> jimmy: nice. [ cheers and applause ] not bad. ♪ not bad at all. that was great. stay over there.
last one, here we go. come on over here. hey, how are you doing, buddy? what is your name? >> raequan. ♪ >> jimmy: raequan? >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: raequan, where are you from, raequan? >> houston, texas. >> jimmy: houston, texas, in the house. [ cheers and applause ] all right. let's see your video right here. >> which means what? no more oreos. no more oreos. no more oreos. [ laughter ] oh, it's going to be tough getting off oreos. >> jimmy: i don't know what that was based on, but here you go. whenever you're ready. here we go. >> which means, what? no more oreos. no more oreos. no more oreos. [ laughter ] it's going to be tough getting off those oreos. >> jimmy: that's right. there you go. hey, not bad. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] come on over, guys. give it up for our contestants, once again! [ cheers and applause ] well done. you're all going home with prizes, everybody. contestant number one gets a a "tonight show" shirt, you get a "tonight show" hoodie. you get a "the tonight show" hoodie. there you go.
thank you very much, everybody. stick around. we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show," everybody. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ doorbell rings ] janice, mom told me you bought a house. okay. [ buttons clicking ] [ camera shutter clicks ] so, now that you have a house, you can use homequote explorer. quiet. i'm blasting my quads. janice, look. i'm in a meeting. -janice, look. -[ chuckles ] -look, look. -i'm looking. it's easy. you just answer some simple questions online, and you get coverage options to choose from. you're ruining my workout. cycling is my passion. giveat kohl's friendskout. & family sale! take an extra 25% off... only once a year, save on outerwear... family boots... and toys! plus get kohl's cash! and - snap a free picture with santa this weekend at kohl's! give joy, get joy - at kohl's.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. it is time for "the tonight show" hashtags. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hashtags hashtags ♪ >> jimmy: guys, we do this thing every week where i send out a hashtag. and we ask you guys to respond to that topic. so, because everybody is traveling for the holidays this time of year, i sent out a a hashtag called #airportfail. i asked you guys to send us funny or weird things that happened to you at the airport. within 30 minutes, it was a a trending topic in the u.s. so, thank you for playing along. [ cheers and applause ] now, i've got to share some of my favorite airport fail stories from you guys. here we go. this first one is from @bomabino. >> steve: oh. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: he says, "i was running late for a connecting flight that was leaving in five minutes. so, i had to race from gate a a to gate g. halfway there i realized someone was yelling out to me,
'run, forrest, run!'" [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: bomabino. >> jimmy: this one is from @colleenm. she says, "i was fiddling with the side of my plane seat and grabbed something i thought was the recliner handle. then i realized i had decided to stretch out behind me. i had grabbed a bare foot." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: this one is from @deanamadd. she says, "i took an edible while waiting at the airport. ended up missing my flight on purpose because i was too relaxed and wanted to finish watching 'the great british bake off.'" [ laughter ] [ applause ] hawaii is not going anywhere. hawaii is not going anywhere. >> steve: oh, wait. a foot. >> jimmy: this one is from @lamars. she says, "my brother and i were at a self-check-in machine when a woman behind us asked for help. after that, everyone thought we were airport employees. we were there for three hours checking people into toronto.
[ applause ] this one is from @wford22. he says, "i was walking in the airport to my gate when a a little kid ran past me yelling, 'the poop is coming out.'" [ laughter ] run, forrest, run! [ laughter ] >> steve: gate number two. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this one is from @bohemianjen. she says, "a legit clown once sat next to me on a plane. when we made eye contact, he felt the need to assure me that he was a good clown and not a a creepy clown." [ applause ] or is that what a creepy clown would say to trick you in to thinking -- this one's from @danielleita89. she says, "i fell asleep during a long layover and woke up to a a little girl poking me and asking out aloud, 'mommy, is she alive?'" [ laughter and applause ]
leave the dead lady alone, sweetheart. last one is from @katieburndesign. she said, "i once sat next to a a man who slammed two servings of nachos right after takeoff. later, when the flight hit turbulence he started yelling, 'this isn't going to end well.'" [ laughter ] there you have it. those are our "tonight show" hashtags. to check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow.com/hashtags. stick around. we'll be right back with claire foy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ he's gonna do it! ♪ you gotta see this! ♪ owen's gonna do it! ♪
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please welcome, claire foy! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: claire foy. oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] i want to talk to you -- i know. i want to embarrass you a a little bit. come on. it's always fun when you come out. but look at this. you're on the cover of "vogue." [ cheers ] >> i know. isn't that crazy? [ applause ] >> jimmy: i mean did you ever think that you would be on american "vogue." >> of course not. >> jimmy: come on. but this is -- i mean you're big time. this is a big deal. i mean -- >> it's so lovely of them. i'm so, so honored to go on it. but that's not me, really. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes, it's you. >> that's a lot of amazing people's work and me underneath it. >> jimmy: no, but -- what do you mean? this is you. are you not good at photo shoots? >> i mean, that one was done by an -- >> jimmy: all you have to do is look like you. >> incredible photographer. [ light laughter ] no. that was our amazing photographer. >> jimmy: who was the photographer in this? >> david sims is his name. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah.
>> jimmy: david sims. >> yeah, he is a very, very clever man. >> jimmy: but this is -- have you ever been on "vogue" in england? >> i have, yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you've done this before. but -- is it different that you're on an american "vogue" or -- >> it's different. because i didn't have to see it every day at home. >> jimmy: 'cause you live in england. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. i understand, yeah. >> so i, sort of, pretended it didn't happen. but there i am. can you put it away? >> jimmy: i will put it away. i know, i know, i know. i like to embarrass you. i'm sorry. i want to talk about "saturday night live" before we get into everything. you're hosting. >> i am. >> jimmy: you're hosting "saturday night live." >> i am. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how is it going? are you excited? >> i'm so excited. >> jimmy: do you know "saturday night live" from england? >> yeah. we don't have it in england. it's not, kind of, broadcast. but i think it's one of those things that is everywhere. you know it. you know if it's been a really good sketch 'cause everyone watches it on youtube and -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> and -- >> jimmy: how is everyone treating you? is everyone being nice? >> really lovely, like i'm supposed to be there when i just feel like a complete imposter. >> jimmy: no. oh, my gosh. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's going to be great. i mean, what day is it? >> i'm so excited. >> jimmy: it's thursday now.
so i mean you're in -- locked in there at this point. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's -- oh, you're going to love it. it's the greatest thing ever. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. i mean you performed live though in front of people, right? >> yeah, i've done theater and stuff. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i feel like i should be more nervous than i am. i feel like there's something wrong with me. i am not having sleepless nights. i'm just going, "this is fun." but i think on saturday, i'll be like, "this isn't fun anymore." [ laughter ] "this is serious." >> jimmy: we have -- you have two big movies out. "the girl in the spider's web." this is a big, giant movie for you. i know the book series. what -- is that what made you want to do this film? reading the books? >> yeah. because i had read them when i was about 23. >> jimmy: and "the dragon tattoo" is a -- it's the same type of idea, but different series, right? >> yeah, different writer. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i had never read a a character like that. and i never -- i was, you know, a young woman reading a a character like that, it was quite a, kind of, amazing thing, really. and then i had seen those performances of noomi and rooney. best names ever. noomi and rooney. >> jimmy: noomi and rooney. >> and me. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i just thought it was
incredible. so, once i, kind of, heard about it and then started really reading the books, i couldn't not do it. it was one of those things. >> jimmy: how do you explain the film to everyone? it's action-packed thriller. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you are disguised as -- trying to hack the codes, like nuclear codes. >> yeah. it's a -- lisbeth salander is at the center of it and that character, which is really fascinating. but -- and it's high. it's just a real thriller. you go into the cinema and then you come out and you go -- >> jimmy: yes. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's what you want when you go to the theater. you want a popcorn movie. it's good. yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and then "first man." i told you this last time you came on. but congrats on that. amazing reviews on that. [ cheers and applause ] some awards buzz for you. but it's -- you should -- well-deserved. i mean it's great. you and damien chazelle, who is one of my favorite directors. i love that guy. >> he's great. >> jimmy: have you heard from the family at all? the armstrongs? >> yeah, well, we were in touch the whole time we were shooting. >> jimmy: oh, you were? >> they were really lovely. i would email them every once
in a while and say, "did your mom cook you dinners or was it like a microwave meal?" kind of ridiculous questions. and they were always so kind to me. but they -- you know, when you're making a film about real people, mine and ryan's concern was definitely that they were our audience. >> jimmy: were you intimidated to do an american accent? no, you've done it before? >> i've done it before. i've never done it with a a coach. i've always just sort of done it badly. [ laughter ] this time, i was much more, kind of -- i felt, kind of, more confident about it. but you just never -- when you do an accent, sometimes, you just let some weird thing come out of your mouth. you don't even know what it is. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's just your mouth makes funny shapes. >> jimmy: you knocked this out of the park. >> oh, god. >> jimmy: it's fantastic. congratulations on that. [ cheers and applause ] i want to show a clip. here is claire foy in "first man." take a look at this. >> jan, the ship is stable. they're going to be all right. >> he's okay, jan. >> i need you to go home. >> fine. turn the box back on. >> i'll see what i -- >> now. turn the box back on, now. >> there's security protocol. >> well, i don't give a damn. i've got a dozen cameras on my
front lawn, deke. do you want me telling them what's going on? >> jan, you have to trust us. we've got this under control. >> no, you don't. all these protocols and procedures to make it seem like you have it under control. but you're a bunch of boys making models out of balsawood. you don't have anything under control. >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] you tell them what's up. yes. oh, man. it's fantastic. >> that was a great one. >> jimmy: i want to let you go. but before you go, i just want to say break a leg on "saturday night live." >> thank you. >> jimmy: congrats on "first man," "girl in the spider's web." and i just -- well, you know, i like to just ask, always a a favor if you're on the show. i heard some weird rumor on the internet. >> oh, gosh. never trust the internet. >> jimmy: yes, i always trust the internet. that -- i heard that you know all of the lyrics to "rapper's delight." [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, my god. there's a drum roll. >> jimmy: you don't have to.
you don't have to. there's not a drum roll. >> i don't have to. >> jimmy: you can always say no. [ cheers and applause ] claire foy. come on. ♪ >> oh, my god. when do i come in? ♪ ♪ i said a hip-hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop ♪ ♪ you don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie ♪ ♪ boobie to the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat now what you hear ♪ ♪ is not a test i'm rappin' to the beat me the grove and my friends ♪ ♪ are gonna' try to move your feet see i am wonder mike and i'd like to say hello ♪ ♪ to the black to the white the red and the brown the purple and yellow ♪ ♪ but first i got to bam bang to the boogie♪ >> jimmy: claire foy, everybody. come on. catch her hosting "saturday night live" this weekend. we'll be right back with mike birbiglia. stick around. yes.
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...uniting the world. ♪♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much, everybody. guys, be sure to tune in tomorrow night. we have a country music legend on the show. the one and only dolly parton will be here. [ cheers and applause ] dolly parton! we will be talking to her. and she is going to perform a a song for us. i might even join her for a a duet. who knows? [ cheers ] plus, we have nick kroll and "thank you notes." [ cheers and applause ] it's a brand-new show tomorrow. you don't want to miss it. stick around. we'll be right back with mike birbiglia, everybody. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm on the pill.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> thank you guys. >> jimmy: are you feeling the love, mike birbiglia? >> i always enjoy seeing you. we -- we -- you remember, i brought my daughter here when she was, i think, six months old. she was -- >> jimmy: uberbaby, yeah. >> a teeny, teeny baby. and now she's three and a half years old. >> jimmy: is she three and a a half? >> and your kids are four and five, i think? >> jimmy: that's right. >> and here's the thing i noticed this week. you got to be careful not to get too excited around children. [ light laughter ] well, they big-time you. >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> this week -- this week my daughter goes, "i have octopus underwear." and i go, "octopus underwear?" and she goes, "yeah." [ laughter ] she big-timed me. i was like, "oh, i got to pull it back." >> jimmy: you got to pull it back. got too excited about the octopus underwear. [ light laughter ] what, octopus! >> and you were giving me -- i was hitting you up for a a recommendation backstage for
an orthopedic doctor. she -- her knees hurt this week. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so we took her to an orthopedic doctor yesterday. and she's very verbal. and so -- and so they're like -- doctor's like, "how do your knees feel?" she goes -- she goes, "my knees, the back of my knees hurt. and it's my grandma's birthday. and i like chocolate chip ice cream." [ laughter ] and i was like -- i was like, "oh, that's way too many things as the answer." and then i realize, "oh, she doesn't get that you're not just supposed to say everything." >> jimmy: yeah, no. you just -- >> then i was like, "oh, that's what i do." [ light laughter ] i say -- i say way too much. and that's why i have these shows. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's correct. you have -- this one is called "the new one." >> yeah. >> jimmy: this one is at the cort theatre. i gotta say, it's getting rave reviews. congratulations. >> thanks. >> jimmy: this is -- how does it feel to be on cort? [ cheers and applause ]
>> well, first of all, i haven't seen you there. you know, you're in the rockefeller center. it's across the street. it's on 48th street. and i haven't seen you over at the show. i made a map -- [ laughter ] of how far -- where -- how do i get this on the camera? this is how far -- [ laughter and applause ] this is how far away. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, it's not far, right? >> jimmy: no. where am i again? >> so, you're here. >> jimmy: where are we? [ talking over each other ] >> you're there. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> and then 0.2 miles, right there, is the cort theatre. >> jimmy: oh, man. >> and then it says -- if you look closely, it says, "mostly flat." [ laughter ] mostly flat. so, i don't know if -- >> jimmy: yeah, i got to make it over there. >> you have an elevation issue. [ laughter ] it should be fine. >> together: should be fine. >> jimmy: yeah. no, i -- >> i'd love to see you there. but -- >> jimmy: would you really love to see me there? not really. >> i would enjoy it, yeah. >> jimmy: no. >> well, you know, old jimmy would have made it there. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] no. there's been many phases of
jimmy. you got "snl" jimmy. he would have been there in a a second. >> jimmy: yeah, that's true. >> you got "late night" jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> he was all about it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> "tonight show" jimmy has changed. [ laughter ] come on in there, let's be honest about -- about "tonight show" jimmy. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> he's changed. he's changed. >> jimmy: totally different person. >> you're on board for "sleepwalk with me." you were on board with "thank god for jokes." you were on board for "my girlfriend's boyfriend." i haven't seen you at "the new one." >> jimmy: i haven't seen any of those shows -- >> jimmy. >> jimmy: at all -- [ laughter ] "sleepwalk with me." yeah, of course. i'm -- honestly, people are saying that this is your best one. >> that's really -- yeah. >> jimmy: and that's a good thing. >> well, i'm proud of it. and i'm -- well, it's funny. i'm right across the street. i'm in -- >> jimmy: i get it. [ laughter and applause ] i promise, i love you. you know, i'm a big fan. >> i'm in a -- i'm in -- i come for coffee downstairs at rockefeller center, every day. i'm not kidding, before the show. it's my ritual that i go to this place called blue bottle. i love the coffee. >> jimmy: oh, i like their coffee. >> and a couple weeks ago, i
was going in every day. and i'm thinking they know that i'm doing a show across the street. and then one day, this guy who i see every day, he goes, "you heading back to work?" and i'm like, "yeah, heading back to work." you know, he knows about the show. and he goes, "where do you work?" [ laughter ] oh. >> jimmy: oh, you don't know. >> well, across the street. there's this show at the cort theatre. he goes, "who wrote it?" [ laughter ] i go, "i wrote it." then he -- no, this gets worse. [ laughter ] this story actually gets worse. it's completely embarrassing. >> jimmy: you have no idea. >> i barely, barely should be telling this on the show. it's too embarrassing. he goes, "who wrote it?" i go, "i wrote it." he goes, "who is in it?" [ laughter ] it gets worse. it gets worse. >> jimmy: one man show. >> it's a one man show. and then i thought, "okay, i'll make this right." i go, "maybe he will like the show." i go, "hey, maybe you'd like the show. i'll -- if you write down in my
phone, your number, my assistant will get you tickets." he goes, "i'm not comfortable putting my number in your phone." [ laughter and applause ] [ fog horn ] i swear to god. [ unintelligible ] >> jimmy: that's pretty bad. >> okay, okay. i'm like -- and i realize i'm the opposite of oprah. i'm like -- literally, i'm like, "look under your chair." he's like, "i'm not comfortable looking under my chair." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's pretty creepy. yeah, you go like, "just give me your phone number." he goes, "i'm cool, man. no problem." how does it feel? you're doing the show. how long is the show? >> the show is 90 minutes. eight shows a week. yeah, through january 20th. and then people ask, sometimes as a joke, sometimes it's for real. zach braff tweeted at me last week, "who is your under -- do you have an understudy." and i can't -- you know, i don't really have one. but then, i thought, why don't i have a contest? i'm actually doing this. why don't i have a contest? >> jimmy: you really are doing this? >> yeah, this is real. it's on thenewone.com. it's on my site. you can submit -- it's like -- just like a one-minute monologue from one of my other
shows and put it on, you know, on your phone, put it on instagram, #forbigsunderstudy. and then, if you win, you get to come out january -- i think, in mid-january -- the show where ira glass introduces you on to the stage before the show. and you do this monologue. >> jimmy: you could perform on broadway? >> on broadway. it's your broadway debut. and so i thought to kick it off, this is the announcement. that i'd like you to audition. would you be open to that? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: everyone else -- everyone can do it. whoever has internet at home, anyone else can do it. >> no, no, no. no, no, no. i think that -- i brought the cards. [ scattered applause ] right there. >> jimmy: oh my. >> i have the lines. this is from "sleepwalk with me." >> jimmy: how do you guys do this? this is mike birbiglia not telling me that we're doing a a bit. [ light laughter ] >> well you know, i'm across the street is the case. >> jimmy: i understand, yeah. [ laughter and applause ] >> they get it. they get it. >> jimmy: i have an elevation problem. all right. >> so here we go. here we go. this is from "sleepwalk with me." it's about a sleepwalking incident many years ago. jimmy fallon.
>> jimmy: yeah, because you have a sleepwalking incident. >> yeah, this is real. this is real. >> jimmy: i didn't realize. >> i'd like to see your version of it. >> jimmy: where should i -- should i do it over here? >> yeah, we'll do a -- can we do a theatrical? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you want to clap me in or anything? >> yeah, yeah. yeah. this is jimmy fallon. jimmy fallon auditioning for the role of mike birbiglia. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you -- >> no, no. stop, cut. no, no. it's not an impression. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, just be me? >> it's not an impression. just you. >> jimmy: of course. >> it's jimmy fallon doing the words. >> jimmy: all right, good. sorry. all right, here we go. [ laughter ] a few years ago, i started walking in my sleep. i was living with my girlfriend. and i had this recurring dream
that there was a hovering, insect-like jackal in our bedroom. and i would jump up on our bed and strike a karate pose. [ light laughter ] i had never taken karate. but i had the books from the book fair when i was a kid. and i would say, "abby." that was my girlfriend. "there's a jackal in the room." and she got so used to it. she could talk me down while remaining asleep. she would say, "there's no jackal. go to bed." and i would say, "are you sure?" and she'd say, "yes, michael. there's no jackal. go to bed." and i'd say, "okay, okay." and then i would go to bed, knowing there was a jackal. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> look. no, no. i think -- >> jimmy: did i get the part? >> i think -- look, there's going to be a lot of people auditioning. [ laughter ] by the way, you got to keep that in that show. that's the funniest thing i've ever seen.
♪ >> what's up, new york? hey. thank you. thank you. [ applause ] hey, man. it's getting cold out. i hate the cold, man. i hate the cold because it bothers this metal rod i got put in my left leg after i broke it on my birthday -- [ audience aws ] by going to a trampoline park. [ light laughter ] i went to a trampoline park on my 24th birthday. [ light laughter ] instead of going to a strip club, like a real man. [ light laughter ] broke my darn leg. you just gotta add that to the list of things black people should not do. [ light laughter ] like, we can jump. we just don't need assistance. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it was scary after i broke my leg, because they put me on prescription pain meds. and up until that point, i had never done drugs in my life, because i grew up on the d.a.r.e. program.
[ cheers and applause ] i'm the one kid it worked on. [ laughter and applause ] the d.a.r.e. program was effective, man. because they made us sing a a song every day. a bunch of fifth graders in class talking about -- ♪ d. i won't do drugs a. i'll have an attitude r. i will respect myself e. i will educate me now ♪ [ cheers and applause ] all the teachers looking at us like, "look at these stupid head kids singing this goofy song." [ laughter and applause ] y'all gotta relax and watch some 'magic schoolbus,' man." [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] comedy. comedy is my drug, man. that's what i'm addicted to. that's why i'm glad we can come together and share laughs, set aside our differences for a a bit. i think that's how we'll progress in this country, and i think we'll progress in this way. first off, black people, we have to stop blaming white people for our problems.
all right? it's a b big deal for us. and white people, got to stop creating so many problems. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you know. all we're asking. little bit. i've done my research on white people. [ light laughter ] mm-hmm. i have been watching "game of thrones" and things like that. [ laughter ] got all types of potions and elixirs. you know why shows like that exist? "walking dead" and "game of thrones"? because white people ain't got no natural predator. [ laughter ] they don't. they just got to make up stuff. [ laughter ] sitting there like, "what if there were zombies and dragons? ooh! [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] oh, my word. can you imagine? what would the world be like with problems? oh, just save us, khaleesi." [ laughter ] like "naked and afraid"? it's a white-ass show, bro. [ laughter ] you know how good your life got
to be that the only way you can feel fear is go to the woods with your ding-a-ling out? [ laughter and applause ] black people ain't doing no "naked and afraid." [ light laughter ] we go outside every day, clothed and suspected. this is so fun. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] will jourdain make it past this routine traffic stop? [ light laughter ] find out this wednesday on "clothed and suspected." set the dvr. "clothed and suspected" is coming on. i've actually been hanging out with a lot of white people lately because i've been spending a lot of time in harlem. ahem. [ light laughter ] you guys are spreading. [ light laughter ] harlem has changed. it's a lot different now. even the crackheads are different. crackheads done switched up the merchandise. i was at the barber shop the other day, this crackhead came in and tried to sell me a a dragon egg. [ light laughter ]
he's like, "hey man, i got these dragon eggs for you." i was like, "dragon eggs?" "yeah man, there's a whole bag of them. they nice, they clean, they pure, they good quality. you got to buy this stuff." [ laughter ] i was like, "brother, these are avocados." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i was like, "how much are you selling these for, man?" he's like, "50 cents a piece." i was like, "damn, that's a a great deal right there." [ laughter and applause ] you know how much you can get these for on the white market? you are selling yourself short, my friend. you draw up a business deal and we will take this over. [ laughter ] i try not to think about that race stuff too much. but it does seep into my mind every now and again. i think it's because of where i was raised. i was raised in the south. they teach things differently as a young black kid in the south. like i'm from a place called greensboro, north carolina. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. and in greensboro, we had a a planetarium. and i love space.
i'm infatuated with it. i love space the way oprah loves bread. [ laughter ] i would get geeked. i would get geeked because of the planetarium. i'd be like, "yo, this is dope. we're going to the planetarium. i can't wait. we get to learn about space." and they say, "no, jourdain. you're going to learn about slavery." like what? how? and they project stars on to the screen. and they would say, "the slaves would use the stars as a road map of sorts when they were trying to navigate their way to the north. they would sing songs. they'd say --" ♪ when the first quail calls to carry you to freedom follow the drinking gourd ♪ i remembered that song, just in case of emergency. [ laughter ] so, if trump press that button, i'll be out here -- [ humming ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] the north star, demarcus. follow me. i know a place in harlem where we can get some dragon eggs, my friend. [ laughter and applause ] my name is jourdain fisher. thank you so much.
dream on. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. jourdain fisher, right there. [ cheers and applause ] not bad. sanding ovation, not bad. my thanks to claire foy, mike birbiglia, jourdain fisher, once again. [ cheers and applause ] take it in, man. take it in. and the roots, right there, ladies and gentlemen, from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- michael moore, from "wildlife", writer and director paul dano, featuring the 8g band with jon theodore. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, everybody. i'm seth meyers. how are we doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. when asked in an interview, yesterday, if he's always truthful, president trump