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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  February 28, 2019 11:34pm-12:35am PST

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stay dry. by about 11:00, we'll see that rainfall starting to move near the coastline. then on saturday morning, half inch to one inch, the heaviest from 1:00 a.m. to about 9:00 in the morning. we then clear out saturday afternoon which is a spotty chance of a shower on sunday. dry monday, and we could get into heavy rain next wednesday. about one to two inches of rain is possible. if you're going this yeanywhere weekend, one to four inches of snow. >> thank you, jeff. see you tomorrow. >> bye. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- john mulaney,
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and the legendary roots crew. g marsha ambrosius, >> questlove: 1025. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. hi, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hello and welcome. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." thank you so much for being here. give it up for the roots, everybody, right there. hey, guys. [ cheers and applause ] well, you guys, today president trump left his summit with
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kim jong-un early because they couldn't reach an agreement. yup, he buwaedbefore he drove a rolled the window down, and he said, "i just want to take another look at you." [ laughter and applause ] it really seemed like they were getting along, but trump took off before the summit was finished. i don't want to call it a a breakup, but for the whole 20-hour flight home, trump was blasting taylor swift. [ laughter and applause ] i heard that trump was trying to get kim to give up his nuclear program. trump was like, "i offered him a lot. sanctions relief, a trade agreement. don jr. [ laughter and applause ] just take don jr. as an intern." yeah, after hours of negotiating, trump just couldn't get kim to make a so between j nancy pelosi, we found trump's biggest weakness -- pantsuits. [ laughter and applause ] can't handle it. >> steve: can't handle it. >> jimmy: it's his weakness. >> steve: it's too much. >> jimmy: but before he flew home, trump told reporters that he could have signed a deal with north korea, but he'd rather do it right than do it fast. or as stormy daniels put it, "that's a first."
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[ laughter and applause ] then she laughed so hard, she blacked out. [ laughter ] get this, when trump left early, they had to cancel this big signing ceremony. but this was nice. kim jong-un and grabbed all the balloons and used them to float home like the kid from "up." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: aww. >> jimmy: it was really touching. check this out. yesterday was michael cohen's hearing in congress. and afterward, alexandria ocasio-cortez said that her bartending experience helped her question cohen. cohen must have known about her background, because after she was done, he tried tipping her in hush money. [ laughter and applause ] [ audience ohs ] here's some business news. i heard that federal officials are starting to crack down on fake amazon reviews. yeah, apparently a lot of reviews on amazon are fake or paid for. usually can you tell. i mean, check it out. for instance, here's a pair of apple air pods. the fake review says, "these have amazing sound quality and great battery life." [ laughter ] the real review says, "these are expensive q-tips that you'll lose instantly."
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[ laughter and applause ] >> steve: that's the real review. >> jimmy: yeah. up next, here's one for a a fitbit. a fake review says, "it helped me get in shape and stay in shape." [ light laughter ] real review says, "when my wife's not around, i put it on the dog." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: get up. [ barking ] the next one here, this one's for an instant pot. review says, "it's a fantastic way to prepare healthy meals fast." here's the real review. "bro, when i ordered instant pot, i was expecting something totally different." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: whaat? >> jimmy: a chili warmer, what is this? next up, here's a 15-pound weighted blanket. fake review says, "it's so comfortable, i can't sleep without it." real review says, "i wake up in a puddle of my own sweat and i'm too weak to get out of it." [ laughter and applause ] and finally, we have a nose hair trimmer. the fake review says, "i received this as a gift, and i love it." [ light laughter ] real review says, "i received this as a gift and i was like 'what the hell, cheryl?'" [ laughter and applause ] really?
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well, this is interesting, guys. i read that a brewery in virginia is selling beer that tastes like lucky charms cereal. [ audience oohs ] yeah, check it out. it's called saturday morning i.p.a. [ light laughter ] forget wheaties, that's the breakfast of champions right there. [ laughter and applause ] that's the one. >> tariq: hey, jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> tariq: yeah, i think i got one. i got one. >> jimmy: okay, tariq. go ahead. >> tariq: okay, the honey nut cheerios bee was like, "and you thought i was buzzed." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not bad. that's not bad. [ applause ] >> questlove: hey, hey, jimmy, i got one. all right, fiber one was like, "you'll get so drunk you'll actually want to eat fiber one." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's pretty good, quest. >> jimmy, i got one. >> jimmy: sure, mark, go ahead. >> tony the tiger was like, "youuuuuuuu're -- -- up!" [ laughter and applause ] ♪ >> steve: i never. [ light laughter ]
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>> jimmy: and finally, you guys -- this isn't good. there is a fake little caesars coupon scam going around online. the only thing sadder than using a coupon for little caesars is hearing the cashier say, "sir, this is fake." [ laughter and applause ] guys, earlier this week, weezer was on our show. we love weezer. [ cheers and applause ] they have a new album called "the black album." they have another new album called "the teal album", which is all cover songs. and it's fantastic. and while they were here, we stepped into the "tonight show" music room. so the roo classroom instruments, and we did our own version of one of the tracks they cover on their new album. the 1984 a-ha song, "take on me." take a look. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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♪ we're talking away i don't know what i'm to say i'll say it anyway ♪ ♪ today's another day to find you shying away i'll be coming ♪ ♪ for your love okay take on me take on me take me on ♪ ♪ take on me i'll be gone in a day or two ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ so needless to say but i'll be stumbling away ♪ ♪ slowly learning
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that life is okay say after me it's no better to ♪ ♪ be safe than sorry take on me take on me take me on ♪ ♪ take on me i'll be gone in a day or two ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ oh things that you say is it a life or just to play my worries away ♪ ♪ you're all the things i've got to remember you're shying away i'll be coming ♪ ♪ for your love okay take on me
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take on me take me on ♪ ♪ take on me i'll be gone in a day take on me ♪ ♪ take on me take me on take on me i'll be gone ♪ ♪ take on me in a day take on me ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our thanks to weezer. thank you, roots. "the teal album" is out now. and "the black album" is out at midnight tonight. [ cheers ] stick around, we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show," everybody.
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>> jimmy: welcome back to "the tonight show." we're about to play a game of deception called "true confessions." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: my first opponent tonight is a very funny comedian who is hosting "saturday night live" this weekend. please welcome john mulaney. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: now, we're going to need one more player to fill out this table. "saturday night live." give it up for pete davidson, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: wow. wow. >> all right. >> jimmy: wow. >> all right. >> all right. >> jimmy: so, here's how it works. in front of each of us are two envelopes containing confessions. one confession is true, the other is a lie. once you read your confession, the other two players have
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60 seconds to interrogate you. and they have to guess if you've been lying or telling the truth. john, you'll go first. pete, which envelope should john open? >> wait, mine or his? >> jimmy: his. [ light laughter ] >> oh. number two. i don't know. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. it doesn't really matter. that's part of it. yeah. [ light laughter ] well, this could be the lie or the truth, we don't know. >> cool. >> all right. all right. >> jimmy: he's selling already. look at him. >> are we doing it correctly? >> jimmy: yes. >> now is this -- is this mine or his? >> yeah. >> jimmy: no, this is his. >> so what am i -- who am i talking about? you? >> jimmy: you're talking you.ut >> oh. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> all right. all right. >> do you get it? >> yeah, i should read the email. [ laughter ] >> all right, gentlemen. [ clears throat ] my neighbor was arrested by the fbi for being a cannibal. [ light laughter ] ♪ okay, what year was this? >> 2013. >> jimmy: so cannibalism, totally illegal at this point. >> so, wait -- [ laughter ] is this l.a.? >> new york. >> oh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, oh, wow, yeah. >> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: exactly -- >> that was -- yeah, okay.
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>> jimmy: the fbi got involved, but how did you know? they knocked on -- they asked questions of you? >> when the fbi was swarming our lobby and arrested this guy in a 6:00 a.m. raid. >> jimmy: now, did you have any clue that he was suspicious of anything? >> no, he never said to me in the elevator, "guess what? [ laughter ] i might be a cannibal." >> it's freaking me out, because his voice is, like, what interrogation is. [ laughter ] you're like, "i was there." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> "i was there. it was 6:00 a.m." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what -- >> a pre-dawn raid. >> yeah. >> jimmy: did the guy ever act odd at all? >> he was quiet. >> yeah. >> but he was so hungry. >> jimmy: what was his name? [ laughter ] >> i don't know his name. >> jimmy: oh, oh. interesting. didn't have a -- didn't have a a nickname for him? >> no, it was a big building in new york. so i didn't have names for everyone. [ buzzer ] ♪ >> i say no, 'cause if it was l.a., i would buy it. but i don't think people eating people here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think it's the opposite. >> you think it's the opposite? >> jimmy: i think new york has got some crazy, seedy stuff happening. >> no, l.a. -- they'll cut your head off here. but out there, they'll -- >> jimmy: they won't eat it. >> cut it off and eat it. [ laughter ] that's hollywood.
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>> jimmy: i know. [ laughter ] what are you going to say? >> i'm going to say no. i think it's false. >> jimmy: i'm going to say -- i'm going to say, no, it's false. [ drum roll ] >> it's true. >> no. >> jimmy: what? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what are you talking about? >> that's -- all right. >> jimmy: what? >> all right. all right. >> jimmy: how did i not hear about this? >> do you remember the cannibal cop? >> what? >> you don't remember -- who remembers the cannibal cop? >> audience: yes, yes. >> you remember that story? all right. there was a cop, and he was -- he was online, he was on message boards. he's going, "i'm going to eat people. i'm going to kill and eat people." and then other people would go, "i'm going to kill people with you and eat them, too." you know? [ light laughter ] and they -- >> what messages boards are you on? [ laughter ] >> i'm not on these. all right? >> okay. >> my neighbors and friends are. >> oh, okay. [ light laughter ] >> so our neighbor was on a a message board with him and was planning to kidnap and eat someone with the cannibal cop. they did a sting operation where an fbi agent pretended to be another interested cannibal who was also hungry for people. [ laughter ] and then he was like, "let's meet at 6:00 a.m. and we'll go get someone and eat 'em." my neighbor goes, "yes." the fbi shows up at 6:00 a.m.
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and arrests my neighbor. and we have not spoken since. >> jimmy: wow! [ laughter ] unbelievable. well done. wow. [ applause ] i thought that one was out there. >> i mean -- yeah. >> jimmy: i thought that one was out there. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i did not see that -- >> you've probably told me this before. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i haven't. i've lived a full life. there's many stories. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. it's my turn. which envelope should i open? does it matter? one or two? >> one. >> jimmy: you sure? two is pretty good. >> no, i like one. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: here we go. i once went for a beer with a a musician and woke up in a a hotel room in nashville. ♪ >> where did the evening start? >> jimmy: new york. >> yes. it's true. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have to ask questions. >> nope. >> jimmy: you have to ask questions. >> it's true. i know you. it's true. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have to ask questions, though. >> fill time. i think it's true. [ laughter ] >> 100% true. >> jimmy: gosh -- you both -- >> uh, what instrument did the musician play?
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: mandolin. no, i'm just kidding. >> mandolin? >> jimmy: no, a guitar. >> okay. >> do you recall any of the trip from new york to nashville? >> jimmy: i remember, yes, getting to nashville. [ light laughter ] >> you recall -- you came alert in nashville? >> jimmy: yeah, i was in nashville. i totally remember that part of it, yeah. and then i just didn't know that i was going to stay over there. >> was this the first time you met this musician? >> jimmy: no. >> okay. uy bd? that's a good question. >> yeah. >> jimmy: no, like a one man band thing? >> yeah. >> jimmy: no. it was a duo. >> a duo? >> a duo? >> a duo. >> interesting. >> mmm. >> jimmy: yeah. >> a mandolin and something else. with what? [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] ♪ >> jimmy: yeah. you both were just asking me fake -- you think it really happened. >> of course. >> of course. >> it's so true. [ laughter ] come on. >> jimmy: yeah, it is true. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ but you didn't even question it. why didn't you question it? >> because, it's just like -- >> jimmy: it just ended up happening. >> yeah. >> we've all been there. >> jimmy: all right, all right. [ laughter ] all right, yeah.
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>> how -- wait, so -- >> who was it? >> jimmy: it was john rich, and he came -- >> who? >> both: of big and rich. >> who? >> big and rich. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: country music. >> oh. >> they were on the -- [ laughter ] they were on "the bachelor" one time. >> so my reaction was correct. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] that's it. we're not guessing because you're correct. yeah, yeah. >> all right, cool. >> jimmy: pete, it's your turn. i'm going to choose envelope number one, of course. >> all right. >> jimmye question, you were like, "yeah, it's done." >> yeah. >> i vamped. >> jimmy: yeah, you did. >> lorne michaels and i went to jamaica together on vacation for new year's. [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] >> i really want that to be a a lie. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait, lorne michaels, who is -- >> our boss. >> jimmy: our boss. >> yeah. >> he started all of our careers. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. went to jamaica with you? >> no, i went with him for new year's. >> you went with him? [ light laughter ] >> yeah. he foot the bill. >> when i was 20. ♪ >> jimmy: i don't know if i
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would ever, ever go to jamaica with you. [ laughter ] i might as well go to nashville and wake up in nashville. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but i don't know if i'd come back. >> there's really nothing in jamaica that you haven't duplicated here in the united states. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is totally true. >> wait, you were 20? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, 20 years old. >> what year did -- how old were you were -- began being on "saturday night live?" >> 20. >> jimmy: 20? the first year? >> the first season? >> yeah. >> jimmy: the first season you're never really that close with lorne, though. >> right. >> new year's, too? >> yeah. >> over the break. >> jimmy: spending a holiday with lorne? >> eight episodes in. 20 years old. >> eight episodes in -- >> yes. >> a man, your senior -- >> yeah. >> goes, "that kid, jamaica." [ buzzer ] >> yes. [ laughter ] [ drum roll ] >> no. >> jimmy: i mean, 'cause i could see maybe now you and lorne maybe might vacation somewhere, meet up somewhere. but at the time? >> i mean -- jamaica. the two of them walking around jamaica. [ laughter ] i vote -- >> jimmy: no. >> i want it to be true, but i'll go no. >> jimmy: i want it to be true. i'm saying no, not true. >> it is true. [ laughter ] ♪
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>> what? >> jimmy: i'm terrible at this game. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how? what do you mean? >> oh, he grew me in the office. [ laughter ] no, he was -- i just -- he just was like, "i'm going to jamaica, do you want to come?" i was like, "[ bleep ], yeah, dude." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did you guys, like, stay next to each other in the hotel? >> yeah, i stayed -- well, i stayed -- i didn't want to stay -- he offered to stay where was, but i didn't want to, like, you know, be me around him. so i -- [ laughter ] stayed at the hotel 10 minutes away. so, like -- 'cause i would have been fired if i stayed there. [ laughter ] i have to give him his -- >> jimmy: you smoke that much weed? oh, my god. >> yeah, well, yeah, it was a a lot of fun. >> jimmy: yeah, oh, my god. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: our thanks to john mulaney, pete davidson. [ cheers and applause ] check them out on "saturday night live" this weekend. more with john after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: our first guest is a a two-time emmy-winning comedian. this weekend, he is hosting "saturday night live" with musical guest thomas rhett. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome john mulaney. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: they love you. [ cheers and applause ] we love you. thank you so much for coming back to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: thank you for coming downstairs from "saturday night live." i want to talk to you about that. you got to be excited about that. >> i'm very excited. i'm very excited. >> jimmy: and pete davidson, again, thank you. thank pete davidson for coming out and playing the game. [ cheers and applause ] i know -- >> yeah, that was great. >> jimmy: you guys are -- >> he just -- i just saw him getting into a limo that said, "going to jamaica" on the back. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> with cans. >> jimmy: with cans. >> that said "just married," yeah. >> jimmy: you guys have been on tour together. you're going on tour. >> yeah, we've been doing shows
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every sunday night. because pete has "saturday night live" on saturdays. this week, i do. but we go out in the tri-state area, and it's pete and john's tri-state area tour. >> jimmy: you brought me a a photo of both of your green rooms. >> yeah, we have like slightly different touring styles. i mean, we're a little different as people. [ laughter ] when we walk around, it looks like an nba coach and like a a troubled rookie who's like -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is your -- this is your green room. here on instagram.: th is your room. >> you got almond milk. you got apples, you got an apple with a knife ready to go. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. >> isn't that nice? >> jimmy: that's actually beautiful. >> the shirt hanging up. >> jimmy: yeah, and this is pete's green room. >> then this is one i took of pete's. there you go. [ laughter ] a remote, a phone. i don't know what that is on the paper. and then, i like the care of
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the cigarette put out in the water bottle cap. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: in the water bottle. >> like that does show some -- hey, guys, we can't trash the place. [ laughter ] i should have widened out, because there's always like five of his friends that he calls the homies sleeping on the floor. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i have shirts hanging up with a steamer. one night he was like, "i better wrap up. i know john's backstage steaming his outfit." and i was. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you actually were steaming your clothes. >> i was steaming my outfit. >> jimmy: and that made you want to do a picture where you swapped clothes? >> not just a picture. we swapped clothes for one night in red bank, new jersey. >> jimmy: no way. >> because he made fun of my clothes and he called it an outfit. and i said, "well, then, why don't you wear a suit and i'll wear your clothes?"wear and he got a suit, and i gave him a tie.ve a >> jimmy: look at this.
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>> there it is. yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: very different. >> that is a -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: he looks great. >> he looks great. >> jimmy: he looks fantastic. >> he looks fantastic. and i got to tell you, i felt fantastic. [ laughter ] these are like triple xl shirt and jacket with spongebob squarepants pajama bottoms. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's actually something he would wear? >> oh, yeah, he's worn that ensemble before. he had it on a hanger and someone came into the dressing room and went, "are you going to wear a costume?" and he went, "those are my clothes." [ laughter ] it was so comfortable, though. >> jimmy: i got to tell you this. you probably have heard this, but it really, really made me laugh. you know, if you google ird tic up -- this is real -- it says, "who is john mulaney, pete davidson's friend?" [ laughter ] >> i -- i can't -- >> jimmy: i want to frame this, it's so funny. >> both parts are hurtful. [ laughter ]
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but i got to admit, i did see this, my wife screen grabbed that and sent it to me. with no tag. >> jimmy: it really just brings you back down to earth. >> but i love it. i'm going to pick that as an epitaph. [ laughter ] john mulaney, 1982 to question mark -- >> both: pete davidson's friend. >> jimmy: yeah, that's perfect. why not? >> yeah. >> jimmy: why not. here you are, you're hosting "saturday night live" this week for the second time. >> second time, which is great. i was nervous, some people don't get to come back. >> jimmy: that's true. they do controversial things like they tear up a picture of the pope or they are [ lahter ] >> they are robert blake, the person. e a a writer on "saturday night live" in 2009, i want to say. >> yeah, from like '08 to 2 2012, i was a writer there. and -- well, it's totally different, though, now, because i'm on camera. where as before, i was like a a busboy and now, i'm the maitre d. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, but did you ever think that you would host? >> no, i mean, i auditioned to be on the show, but i was hired
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as a writer, because i was auditioning and i remember they went "no." [ laughter ] but then, i would get on camera occasionally. but the idea of hosting is totally surreal. >> jimmy: well, it's a great cast. i mean, you're gonna be -- you're in good hands. >> it's really been the most fun. >> jimmy: do you remember the first time you were ever in a a sketch, ever? >> yeah, i was in -- it wasn't on "update" or anything, i was just like a clipboard operator, you know, when they go like, "take five." >> jimmy: i've done that. >> yeah. i was in an activia yogurt commercial sketch with jason sudeikis. >> jimmy: oh, and she was jamie lee curtis. and i come in, i go, like, "take one." and i snapped it, then i walked [ laughter ] off camera, you know, they go, like, "this way, this way." and then bobby moynihan was there, and it was my first time on camera, so we start high fiving, like a lot. like way too much for one line. >> jimmy: yeah, but it's so exciting for you. >> and then, i look over and lorne is staring at us. like this, and i'm just high fiving him and i see him. and then, i realize that i'm late and i've missed my cue. [ light laughter ]
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and i ran back on and was like, "take five." and it was a full lull. i thought no one caught it. i get to the after party, and our mutual friend neal brennan comes over to me and he goes, "hey man, great job. yo >> jimmy: yeah, people can see it, i mean -- >> oh, it was, yeah. >> jimmy: but i mean, i don't know if you guys remember, but we actually have a clip. [ laughter and applause ] here's john mulaney missing his cue in his first ever "saturday night live" sketch. check this. >> i killed this activia, can i get another one? >> yeah, of course, yeah. here you go. [ laughter ] here you go. >> thank you. >> i'll take one for myself. keep going here. all right, let's keep doing this. here we go. >> activia testimonial number >> jimmy: oh, my god. [ cheers and applause ] neal brennen is almost exactly right. >> yeah. wait, i was remarkably calm. >> jimmy: yeah, you were. >> i was like, "i don't know, take two." i was high fiving. i'm sorry. >> jimmy: you were just jumping up and down with bobby moynihan. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: you're going to crush it this weekend. we love you, buddy. >> thank you, buddy. thank you for having me.
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>> jimmy: please, john mulaney, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] he is hosting "saturday night live" this weekend, with musical guest thomas rhett. we'll be right back with kevin nealon, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ my copd medicine... ...that's why i've got the power of 1-2-3 medicines with trelegy. the only fda-approved 3-in-1 copd treatment. ♪ trelegy. the power of 1-2-3 with trelegy and the power of 1-2-3, i'm bter. trelegy works 3 ways to... ...open airways,... ...keep them open... ...and reduce inflammation... ...for 24 hours of better breathing. trelegy won't replace a rescue inhaler for sudden breathing problems. trelegy is not for asthma. tell your doctor if you have a heart condition or high blood pressure before taking it. do not take trelegy more than prescribed. trelegy may increase your risk of thrush, pneumonia, and osteoporosis. call your doctor if worsened breathing, chest pain, mouth or tongue swelling,.. ...problems urinating, vision changes, or eye pain occur. think your copd medicine is doing enough?
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: be sure to tune in tomorrow night, everybody. we got a really fun show. ryan seacrest will be here. [ cheers and applause ] jack whitehall will be here. i love jack. we're doing something fun with him at "frozen" on broadway. plus, we have great magic. this guy is unbelievable. shin lim will be here. [ cheers and applause ] it is all happening tomorrow night, everybody. stick around. we'll be right back with kevin nealon. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ all the ways, all the ways ♪ ♪ tell me all the ways ♪ and he said ♪ ♪ girl, you take care of me ♪ ♪ you are my thera♪y ♪ the better half of me ♪ say it again ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest stars alongside matt leblanc in the comedy series "man with a a plan", which airs monday nights at 8:30 on cbs. he's also performing stand-up tomorrow through saturday at caroline's, right here in new york city. please welcome kevin nealon, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: oh, kevin nealon! we love you, buddy. >> oh, gosh. jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: nice to see you, pal. >> good to see you, buddy. >> jimmy: how is everything? how is everything going? >> do you want me to be honest with you? >> jimmy: yeah, i really -- yes, i do. >> i'm a little in a bad mood. i know that's not great for your show. >> jimmy: wow. [ light laughter ] >> but, um -- >> jimmy: this is shocking to me, because you're always usually in a pretty good mood. >> you're right. you're right. well, what happened is this. in a nutshell, i flew in from los angeles the other day. five-hour flight. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i was editing on my laptop the whole way. got so much work done. i was so happy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> we land, i go to the hotel. love being back in new york. good mood. i start unpacking. unpacking my backpack, there's no laptop in there. i left it on the flight. >> jimmy: oh. >> and then it dawned on me as i was walking away from the gate earlier that night, there was an announcement, "if someone has left something on the airplane please come back and claim it." and i was thinking, "how can people be so stupid?" [ laughter ] you know what i mean?
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i mean, they shouldn't have nice things if they're going to forget them. [ light laughter ] just idiots. >> jimmy: and you were that guy? >> and now i'm one of those people -- >> jimmy: oh, no. >> that forgot it. >> jimmy: jeez, that's -- >> but the thing is -- you got a minute? [ laughter ] the thing is, it just dawned on me, i have everything -- except for the laptop, which i don't really need. but it would be nice. [ light laughter ] i realized that i needed something that i didn't know i needed. and it's a heated toilet seat. >> jimmy: i'm totally on board with this. >> do you have one? >> jimmy: no, but i'd love to hear it. >> i'm surprised i'm here right now. [ laughter ] i really am. i love -- i'm on it all the time. [ laughter ] i used to be on it with my computer, but not anymore. >> jimmy: not anymore. he needs his laptop, yeah. >> and it's not just heated. it's got the sprays that comes up. and jimmy, i'm telling you guys, bull's eye every time. [ laughter ] i swear to god. i swear to god. it's the best. >> jimmy: really? >> it's the best.
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i got rid of my water pick. i don't need my water pick any more. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not what it's for, no. >> i used it for that, but i don't need it any more. one other thing i don't need. and then it has the higher speeds. we've got the deluxe model, it comes with three higher speeds. fire hydrant. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ light laughter ] >> and then the next one is either -- i think it's hydro-jet or colonoscopy. [ laughter ] and the final, the highest pressure speed -- fracking. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> you've got to watch your aim. you really got to watch your aim. >> jimmy: you've gotta watch that on fracking, yeah. >> and i'm telling you, our water bill has gone up $800. [ laughter ] but it's worth it. it is so worth it. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> and it comes with a remote. >> jimmy: oh, why? >> and sometimes, when we have guests using the bathroom for the first time -- [ light laughter ] i'll take the remote and have a a little fun with them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: of course you will. >> jimmy: let's take -- no, we can't take a break. [ laughter ] how is the family, how is your son? >> my son is well. but i will tell you that i'm an
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older dad, and he's realizing it now. he's putting two and two together. and i think i'd be a better dad if i waskne ? and anyway, i went into his bedroom the other night, and he looked really sad. and i said, "what's the matter, buddy?" because i don't know his name, i'm never home. [ laughter ] and he said -- and he was really like tear-stained cheeks. and he said, "can i be honest with you?" i said, "no, no, stay with the lies, i like the lies." [ light laughter ] he said, "i've just been thinking, i'm ten now, and you're 63. when i'm 20, you're going to be 73. when i'm 30, you're going to be 83. you're not going to be around for a lot of my life, are you?" [ audience aws ], buy, buddy. [ laughter ] i said, "i'm going to be around
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for a long time, i promise. i'm going to be around when you graduate. i'm going to be around when you get married. i'm going to be around when you get kids. i swear, i will be around for all of that. but you gotta make that happen in the next four years." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's smart of you. that must have went well for buddy. >> it went well. and then, you know, he said, "no, i'm serious, dad." dad, he doesn't know my name either. [ laughter ] he said, "these kids in my class in fifth grade, their parents are in their mid-30s or late 30s. and you're 63." i said, "stop right there. that doesn't mean anything." and you know jimmy, that doesn't mean anything. there's no guarantees in life. >> jimmy: that's true. >> and i told him that. i said, "how do you know your friends parents aren't going to die in a fiery car crash tomorrow? [ laughter ] or a murder-suicide?" it can happen. that happe llto let him know. he's ten years old. >> and then i said, "by the way, who says you're going to outlive me?" [ laughter ] if you want me to be honest with you. >> jimmy: wow! this is a real good talk. [ laughter ] >> it was a good talk. >> jimmy: what a good talk with buddy. good for you. >> i said, "who's to say some murdering clown is n g intyour
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tonight -- [ laughter ] and smother you with a balloon animal? it could happen." >> jimmy: a murdering clown. you're right. >> a murdering clown. you could die in a dentist's chair. it happens all the time. [ laughter ] so then, i just kissed him on the forehead. i said, "you get a good night's sleep. we'll talk about this in the morning." >> jimmy: that's so good for you. that's how you do it as a a father. [ cheers and applause ] >> as a father, you have to reassure your child -- >> jimmy: you have to. >> you're going to be around for a long time. >> jimmy: let's talk about "man with a plan", your show on cbs. matt leblanc was here on our show recently. >> oh, i'm telling you, matt leblanc, i can't say enough good things about him. >> jimmy: he's great. >> he's so good on the show. he knows about structure and character. and i'm just so impressed by him. and he's so insightful. >> jimmy: he was just here. >> i brought a clip in, because he said -- it's just so much what he says, i take in. and i -- can i play the clip from when he was on your show? >> jimmy: you want to play a a clip of my show? [ light laughter ] >> yeah, because i don't know if you save clips here or not? >> i don't. and powerful. >> jimmy: there's a clip of matt leblanc on "the tonight
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show." [ laughter ] >> kevin nealon is one of the funniest human beings i've ever met. handsome. [ whistles ] >> jimmy: yeah, he is a good looking dude. [ cheers and applause ] >> i mean, he knows what it's all about. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] i want to thank you for being here. i want to show a real clip from "man with a plan." you're very, very funny. >> that was a real clip. [ laughter ] >> yeah, but it wasn't from your show. >> from your show. >> jimmy: this is my show as well, yeah. we'll be right back -- no, we won't. i'm just kidding. [ light laughter ] here's a clip of kevin nealon and matt leblanc in "man with a a plan." take a look at this. >> your problem is, you are not sensitive like me. now, i'm going to go down there and rearrange this guy's face like mr. potato head. [ laughter ] >> i better follow and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. >> let him go. he loves his wife. >> if you don't move out of my way, i will pick my teeth with you.
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[ laughter ] >> you know what, marcy -- [ laughter ] >> you go, i'm going to stay here and make fun of him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kevin nealon, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] kevin nealon, catch "man with a a plan" mondays at 8:30 p.m. catch kevin perform at caroline's tomorrow through saturday here in new york city. 2 chainz performs for us after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ here comes the sun
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when we set out to create america's most advanced internet, we started with you. we started by realizing that grandma should always be within arm's reach. from any room in the house. [ laughing ] that dinnertime is for catching up... dad: alright, time to eat. with each other. that homework should be anything but textbook. oh my god it works! [ cheering ] that the basement can be where everyone wants to be. [ cheers and groans ] that feeling safe at home should be a given. and that the best nights out, can be nights in. that's how we reimagined wifi and created xfinity xfi, internet that brings your home together. this is beyond wif
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: performing his new song "forgiven," featuring marsha ambrosius from his new album "rap or go to the league," give it up for 2 chainz. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ pray for our sins i i pray for our souls the tears that we crying let them all be forgiven ♪ ♪ just let them all be forgiven when you dream when you dream dream ♪
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♪ let them all be forgiven when your dreams turn into nightmares ♪ ♪ transactions turn into nike airs went to greenbriar mall and bought five pairs ♪ ♪ i stayed in the creek junkies used to preach in the dope game trying to reach my peak ♪ ♪ and go undefeated i pleaded with the judge this my first offense high school b-ball ♪ ♪ i'm trying to get a scholarship no acc scc clay co apd i'm on a bumpy road ♪ ♪ like a atv ept used to give me peace i smile on the outside inside the skreet ♪ ♪ as far as the past wish i could press delete let my dogs off the leash rather buy than lease ♪ ♪ than get murdered in the street pray for the children i pray ♪ ♪ i pray for our healing i pray 'cause i know you feel it i know you feel it ♪ ♪ just let it all be forgiven yeah ♪ ♪ just let it all be forgiven yeah
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those sins let them all be forgiven ♪ ♪ that life that is how you livin' that is how we livin' babe ooh ♪ ♪ let it all be forgiven got a phone call from lil fate somebody shot his son ♪ ♪ and he didn't make it my head aching hands start shaking foul beyond flagrant ♪ ♪ he said bro what i'm supposed to do i pause remorseful we been partners ♪ ♪ since public school kids ain't supposed to die before us as a parent it's apparent ♪ ♪ ain't no parents singing stops once you leave the carriage cold of the streets ♪ ♪ react with the heat to create balance one of the biggest revenge is prayer ♪ ♪ me shondrae and chris was there guess flesh won't spend christmas there ♪ ♪ but in spirit know you hearing this loud and clear whole fa m as we stay off ♪ ♪ in the atmosphere no fear i pray for our sins i
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no fear m ♪ i pray for our souls the no fear tears that we crying just let them ♪ ♪ all be forgiven just let them all be forgiven those sins let them ♪ ♪ all be forgiven that life those sins let them all be forgiven ♪ ♪ lord forgive them that life because that is how you livin' ♪ ♪ don't forgive them just let it all be forgiven yeah ♪ ♪ yeah
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i don't know who need to hear this ♪ ♪ but if you doing something make your parents have to bury you you may want to slow down ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was beautiful. that was beautiful. thank you so much. 2 chainz! [ cheers and applause ] marsha ambrosius. beautiful. thank you so much. "rap or go to the league" is out now. my thanks to john mulaney, kevin nealon, pete davidson, 2 chainz. [ cheers and applause ] marsha ambrosius. and the roots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] good job. look at this standing o. good job, bud. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching, have a a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- senator bernie sanders, nsfeaturing the here," actor 8g band with jon epcar. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening everybody, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is fantastic to hear.
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in that case, let's get to the news. during his meeting with president trump yesterday, north korean leader kim jong-un told reporters that the sight of him and trump sitting side by

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